Maron (2013) s01e03 Episode Script

I'm maron.
That's my last name, but I'm Marc maron.
I live here alone with monkey, boomer, and lafonda.
They're cats.
I had a wife two, actually But they're gone.
They're no longer with me.
They're not dead.
Well, they're dead to me.
Well, actually, I'm dead to one.
The other one I could probably get back.
I have a mother who lives in Florida.
I have a brother who lives in Arizona.
I have a lunatic bipolar father.
I don't know where he is, and that's a blessing.
His name is Larry.
Why are you telling me this? Why am I getting mail for my dad? Do you want me to explain the U.
S.
postal service to you? It's from the dmv.
Can I open it? It's a federal crime, and I'd have to report you.
Won't fall for it you can't see and you can't tell I just can't drink from a poisoned well Pete, this is your year, man.
This is the year that you graduate from alt comedy to mainstream.
I'm gonna land you your own talk show.
I can totally see that, 'cause I love to talk, and people love to hear me talk.
Hey, Teddy.
We having a meeting or what? Well, uh, no.
It's it's okay, Natalie.
Hey, man.
I'm sorry.
Do we have a meeting on the books? Yeah, for, like, two weeks now.
What the hell is Pete Holmes doing here? Hey, man.
Your manager just signed me as a new client.
Stop it! That's not even a real laugh! Oh, you guys know each other? I didn't know you were friends.
Eh.
Eh.
You know what? I'm not gonna take up all of your time.
I know you have other things Yeah.
That you got to give him a lot of attention and guidance.
Squid it, squid it, squid it.
So, nobody tonight, though, right? Absolutely.
We're doing the omakase menu.
Yeah.
It's gonna be omak-awesome.
Oh, god.
By the way, Marc, if, you know when this talk show becomes a reality, I would totally consider you for the writing staff, if you want to Put together a packet, maybe ping and pong.
We'll talk about it.
We'll talk about it.
Oh, god.
Ping and pong it back and forth, okay? That's a great idea, 'cause I could commission that twice.
Monologues, sketch ideas.
I've been waiting out there a half-hour.
Yeah, look, I'm Why are you looking at my hair? What? Does it look okay? Yeah, it looks fine.
'Cause I thought it looked fine.
Are we having a meeting? Come on.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Let's have a meeting.
I want to shop.
Let's do both.
Come on.
We'll meet and walk.
Or walk and meet.
Two things at once.
for a pair of shoes? Can you believe this? I can't believe there's only five pairs of shoes here.
I'm taking them.
I look fat, right? Do I look fat? You look fine.
Can we make it about me for a second? Yes, of course.
Hey, what's up with Marc maron? I'm doing a podcast.
Ugh.
Podcast? Marc, everyone's doing podcasts, okay? And no one is making money off of it.
No, I'm This is blowing up, man.
I was number 18 on iTunes.
Yeah? What was number one? Uh, "this American life.
" That's an npr show, right? Yeah, that's a great business model Begging for money.
Teddy, podcasts are the future of show business.
Internet and tweets and tumblr Shit, I don't know how any of it amounts to any real money.
I'm thinking about getting two pairs.
Slow down, Teddy.
If you buy all five, they'll have to close the store.
Again, funny.
See? Why are you wasting your time with this podcast stuff? Because I have nothing else going on.
Okay, that's true.
I get it.
I'm I'm working as hard as I can for you.
Look, I'm getting big guests, all right? You know who wants to do the show? Jeff garlin.
Okay, nobody's coming down to your basement.
I do it in my garage, man.
Where do you put the car? In the driveway, but t-t-that's not important.
The thing is, it's killing, and I w Oh, you know what? It's a client.
Do you mind? You want me to leave? Yeah.
Dick.
Hey.
How's it going? No, I'm watching it right now.
You're fantastic.
You'll never make a lot of money until you make someone else a lot of money.
I mean, you'll make enough to survive.
But if you want a vacation house on the cape or a sherpa to carry your coffee grinder up Everest, it's not gonna happen until you make yourself an exploitable commodity Not really my thing, but I can tell you this from experience.
It's easy to maintain your integrity when no one is offering to buy it out.
Terrific.
Thank you.
Yeah, I-I promise Jeff will have a good time.
Well well, whatever's easiest for Jeff.
I'm more than happy to come out there.
No, absolutely, we can do it here.
I mean, I I, uh I always do the show here.
Yeah, but, again, whatever makes it easier for him.
What the hell? Great.
Thank you.
Maron's mix? What the hell is dad doing, Josh? Making vitamins? How do you even get your own vitamin line? I don't know.
Mexico, Czech Republic, China? You can get anything on the Internet.
When did he learn how to use the Internet? Look, I don't know.
He's obviously manic right now.
Hey, put that down! It's from grandpa.
It's probably dangerous.
What, so he comes back into our life to drag us into some sort of crazy black-market supplement ring? Oh, man.
I knew there was a storm coming when I woke up.
The cats were freaked out.
One of them's missing.
They got a sense, buddy.
They know when shit's gonna go down.
It's just not clear when or where, but they are on it and gone.
Tyler, Jordan, stop it! My kids are now beating the shit out of my wife's kids.
Did I screw up my life? I got to go.
Bye.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
Remember me? Hey, dad.
I was on on the west coast, so I thought I'd stop by.
Hey, look at you.
What the hell happened? Geez.
You look 50.
Well, I-I am almost 50.
Oh, yeah, right.
October 12th.
September 27th.
Oh.
No.
Your brother's October 12th.
No.
April 1st.
How do you forget that? You're not staying here.
No, no, no.
I would never impose.
I got my own place.
Ohh, no.
Hey, uh Did my driver's license come yet? Oh, they better not have put me down as an organ donor, because I'm taking this shit with me.
How can you even afford that thing? It's bigger than my house.
It's a beauty, ain't it? That's a business investment Liquidated everything I had.
You are looking at the mobile sales headquarters for maron's mix.
Oh, so, now you're a traveling snake-oil salesman? No, it's not snake oil.
It's fish oil Yeah And magnesium and phosphorylcholine.
It gives you five-hour energy and a 72-hour boner.
Wow, you should put that on the label, right under the fact that you were stripped of your medical license.
Oh, screw them.
Bureaucrats.
They're always challenged by a forward thinker.
Hey! How would you like to be my L.
A.
sales rep? Your brother's already handling Arizona.
No, he's not.
I just talked to him.
Oh, Josh Still such a dipshit.
Yeah, but you you know a lifeline when you see one.
I mean, it's not like your comedy career is ever gonna get off the ground.
I'm doing fine.
Nobody's ever heard of you.
I bring you up to my customers nothing.
I got things going on.
I I got a podcast.
Pod what? It's like a radio show on the computer.
So, how do you listen to it? You listen to it on the computer.
Nobody's ever gonna do that.
Hey, listen.
I-I-I'm giving you something that'll change your life.
Be a chance to do something with yourself.
Where do you get that stuff? What, do you make it in the trailer? Who are you? Walter white? Walter who? No, no, no.
I don't make it.
I got a guy.
Yeah, but you can't just sell vitamins on the street.
You got to you know, it's got to be tested and approved by the fda.
Oh, come on.
Screw the fda.
You know, I-I-I'm thinking outside the box.
I'm doing my own thing, man, going my own way.
You know where you need to go is back on your meds.
I don't need to be on meds anymore! I got maron's mix.
Ah.
So, it's not fda approved.
Big deal.
They make me happy.
They put lead in my pencil.
Now, don't pooh-pooh it.
I mean, you should try them, you know? Whether you know it or not, you and I We're very much alike.
Oh, really? Yeah.
You think so? I don't think so.
I live in a house.
All right? I didn't dump my entire life's savings into Chinese black-market vitamins and a motor home.
Yeah, not yet.
No, no, no, no.
I get it.
I get it.
You have unresolved daddy issues.
Big deal.
So, tell it to your shrink or those babies at a.
A.
Anyway, I need to borrow an extension cord.
An extension cord? Yeah, I want to plug it into your house so I can, uh, run some light electrical to my r.
V.
Huh? No, just a few lamps, a mini-fridge, air-conditioning.
Hey.
Hey, Andy.
How's it going? You see my cat out there? No, but I met your father outside.
He offered to sell me boner vitamins out of his camper.
I'm sorry you had to deal with that.
I didn't invite him here.
We don't get along.
I want nothing to do with that guy.
You are stressed-out.
Let's just go to the gym, okay? We'll do chest, we'll do back, bis and tris.
We'll get it all done today, 'cause I don't ever plan on going back again.
What is that honking? I have to deal with this.
Want me to stay here? No.
Come with me.
I need a witness.
All right.
I got this, all right? When are you gonna stop acting like an asshole and talk to your father? I'm acting like an asshole? You believe this shit? Who's this clown? I'm Andy.
We just met a couple of minutes ago.
Yeah, I remember.
Yeah.
Can you give my son and I a few minutes alone together, please? Sure.
All right.
Nothing to see here, people.
Everything's okay.
I'm Andy kindler.
You might remember me from season 7 of "last comic standing.
" Anybody? What do you want? Why are you here? I came here with a business proposition that could benefit both of us, and you're being belligerent.
No, you're bullying me into some stupid idea that you think is gonna make millions of dollars.
At least a million.
You're ridiculous.
How is this different than any of the other doomed schemes you dragged me and my brother through our entire lives? You want to know how different it is? I'll tell you how different it is.
This one is a winner.
I can't do this.
Does it have to be so round? I mean, can't it be, like, a rhombus shape? Andy kindler, ladies and gentlemen.
Ugh, I wish he would just drive his house away.
Should I call the cops? Come on, now.
You got to bury the hatchet here.
You know what? Do it before it's too late.
My dad's gone, and I miss him every day.
I haven't seen him in years.
I don't miss him at all.
You're an adult now.
Don't let him push your buttons.
You're right.
Thank you.
You got it.
Hey.
Wait a second.
I think that's for you.
All right.
Good talk, right? Yeah.
Go get him.
Yep.
I got this I got I'm I this time, I No, I have it.
What? All right.
Get it off your chest.
I'll listen.
Really? Okay.
Well, you weren't around when I was a kid.
And when you were, you were yelling.
And if you weren't yelling, you were crying.
And in between yelling and crying, you'd take us on ridiculous vacations that you were excited about when you planned them, 'cause you were manic.
On them, you were depressed, and going white-water rafting with a crying man is no fun for a kid.
And you're ridiculously self-involved.
Give me one example.
Okay.
Remember when I was getting out of the car at school once and you weren't paying attention? You ran over my leg and broke my ankle.
How long does it take to get out of a car?! You spent the family's money on cars, paintings, fancy dogs, and firearms.
Are you done? No.
Expensive stereo equipment, ridiculous suits, expensive ski equipment, a house for a second family no one knew you had, and that stupid hat.
I loved that hat.
Whatever happened to that hat? You lost that hat, didn't you? Yes, dad.
Jesus! I did.
It disappeared just like you did.
Why don't you take some responsibility, huh? You weren't an easy child, you know.
I was a child.
You still are a child.
You're a child.
How'd it go, champ? Not good.
That whole, uh, "act like an adult" thing didn't work.
All right, look, he's obviously here for a reason that's bigger than boner pills.
You guys will work it out.
It'll be fine.
I don't know.
I'm sorry I ran over your leg.
You mean it? Yeah.
Thank you.
W-what about all the other stuff? Hey, listen.
The past is the past.
If you can't accept me for who I am, who needs you? That's that's exactly how I feel about you.
Fine.
You really ought to take those vitamins.
All right.
Okay.
I'll I'll take the vitamins.
No, I mean it.
I mean, they work great for people like us.
What do you mean, "people like us"? I'm not like you! Oh, really? How's your wife? Gone.
How's your career going? You work in your garage.
How many friends do you got? Just this guy? How are we not alike? Screw you.
I don't need this shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on, guys.
We're just We're so close here.
You think I'm just some old piece of shit and you're so much better than me, huh? That's not what he's thinking at all, Larry.
Believe me.
No, no, actually, that's exactly what I'm thinking, Larry.
Marc, this is not constructive.
You look down on me, on my choices? Well, I got news for you.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, son.
Go to hell! Yeah, well, you go to hell! I'm already there.
Whew.
Well, I did what I could, and I think that counts as a workout, so, actually, I'm good now.
I don't think I need to go to the gym.
I'm gonna go home and hit the showers.
So, you're gonna go? Yeah, but I don't want to go that way.
You want me to take you out the back? Yeah, your dad frightens me.
All right.
Jeff.
Hey.
Marc maron.
How are you? Glad you could make it.
All good.
Good.
All good.
It's a pleasure.
It's a pleasure.
Great neighborhood.
Uh, what is this, echo park? No, actually, we're in highland park.
Highland park? Yeah.
I like it.
It's authentic.
Yeah.
It's real.
Yes, it is.
Yeah.
My car gonna be safe there? Right there? Yeah, don't worry about it.
We're only gonna be about an hour.
Okay.
You know, I got to say, I was nervous about you coming up here because of my little house.
I would have been perfectly happy to go to your place.
No, no, no, no.
It's good I get out, you know? This place is cozy.
It'll be It's gonna be fun.
I just I get too isolated at home.
Yeah, but But let's be honest.
My house could probably fit in the foyer of your house, right? Who says "foyer"? It's what it's what it is, right? It's a foyer.
I never met a comic used the word "foyer.
" But it's I-I thought that's the right word.
It might be the right word.
It's just foyer.
All right.
Okay.
Now, are we recording this? Is this the way it works? Yes, we're recording now.
So is this, uh, the show? So, what's going on in here? Dad, get out! Get the hell out! Man, I just had a flashback to me in my bedroom You know, masturbating and my dad walking in.
Hey, e-excuse me.
That was last week, by the way.
All right, all right, excuse me, Jeff.
Could you go out to your camper, please? This is I'm working.
This is my job.
You're always so pissy about my not paying any attention.
Well, I'm here now.
Hey, you are Jeff garlin, right? Yes.
Yes, Jeff garlin.
Hi.
How are you, Mr.
maron? It's Dr.
maron.
It's formerly Dr.
maron, licensed revoked.
All right, well, doctor, mister, it's nice meeting you.
Yeah.
What are you doing? Please, Marc.
I'm talking to your friend here.
So, your dad lives with you? That's nice.
No, he does not.
No, I-I live in the r.
V.
Out front.
My son here won't even let me plug into his house.
I'm not feeling guilty about it.
Yeah, all right.
Listen.
I'm a very successful businessman of vitamins.
Are you kidding? Vitamins? Yeah.
What are you A rep for a distributor? No, I'm a Maverick.
I'm putting together a sales force, and my son here is gonna be spearheading the Southern California effort.
No.
I mean, I don't know what you think, but I think he's been living on a dream with whatever's happening in here.
Jeff, I'm not selling vitamins.
He just showed up.
He's a pain in the ass.
You can relate to that, right, with your dad? My dad's dead.
Oh, god, I'm sorry.
Are we still recording, by the way? No, we're not.
You take vitamins, don't you? Yeah, of course I take vitamins.
Let me get this straight now.
This is, like, an amway thing you're doing? No, it's like my way.
Yeah.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna give you a box, Jeff, with minimal cost to you.
No, I tell you what.
For free.
All you got to do is plug it in your next movie.
I mean, how hard would that be? Dad, I really don't think you know how show business works.
Marc, actually, there's some good stuff in here.
Really good stuff.
How many do I take? Three.
Three.
Beautiful.
That'll change your life.
All right.
All right.
There we go.
Okay, are we done? Are we done here? Sure, sure.
Okay.
All right.
Okay! Yeah.
Okay.
Let's go.
Hey.
Nice meeting you, huh? Good health to you.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Thank you.
Yeah, okay.
Sure.
Thank you.
All right.
Okay.
Oh, my god.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
I am sorry.
I You know, don't you don't have to take the vitamin.
Don't take any more vita I get it.
I get it.
I get it.
Don't worry.
don't worry.
Don't worry.
It's very nice of you to do that.
Are you okay? No.
I'm I'm I'm not okay.
Oh, geez.
Ohh! So, it's not going well.
No, it isn't, Andy.
He almost killed Jeff garlin, but that guy's a pro, man.
He puked, came back, gave me 45 minutes.
I posted the episode this morning.
I'm gonna check and see how it's doing Again.
Oh, man.
Holy shit! Yes! I got to go.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
You know what? I'm actually getting used to not going to the gym with you Or ever.
Fortunately, you're emotionally exhausting.
So why are there only five suits in this store? 'Cause they're a very exclusive line.
You'll be shopping here soon.
Hey, Teddy.
Glad I caught you at work.
How you doing, Dov? What's up, Marc? Here you go.
Thumb drive.
Jeff garlin.
On my podcast.
Well, hey, good for you.
No, no.
Great for me.
He really opened up.
It was amazing.
One of the best interviews I've done.
I put it on the Internet this morning.
It's number eight on iTunes.
What's number one? Shut up, Dov.
Okay.
And, also, a company reached out.
They want to advertise.
They make, uh, vibrators, ass plugs, lube, that kind of stuff.
Way to go, marky-Marc.
See, I knew you'd come through.
Maybe I can monetize this thing.
No, you were right.
You can't.
'Cause you're fired! Boo-yeah! Sorry.
Yeah.
I don't need you anymore.
I'm thinking outside the box.
Doing my own thing.
Doing it my way.
Oh, shit.
I got to go.
All right, wait, so so I'm not fired? No, you're still fired, asshole.
I'll see you around, Dov.
See you around, Marc.
Hey.
Bold move.
Thanks, buddy.
Why don't you start a podcast? Yeah, that's the answer.
We'll just start a podcast.
Thanks, Ted.
My parents are very selfish, and and I have to thank them for that, because I'm selfish enough not to have children.
Because they were so self-involved, for most of my life, I've wandered around like a kid lost at a mall, just screaming, "mommy! Daddy!" I didn't talk to my father for years, but it solved nothing, because I was living in the anger.
At some point, you're just gonna have to realize that they're not going to be the parents you want them to be.
That window has closed.
You're going to have to accept them the way that they are and learn how to parent yourself.
Now you show up.
Look at you.
Andy kindler, you're a comedian.
Exactly right.
Are you setting me up for bits? I-I don't talk about it enough on the show, is the process, and you're sitting there with note cards.
Let's just go right to the cards.
Okay, I got one.
What do you got? Alexander Graham bell was the first person to sarcastically say, "hello? I invented the phone.
" All right.
Next.
Next.
Next card.
Oh, uh, "I just got back from playing the comedy tent at emoticon.
" Ugh.
No, I get it.
That's like a Don't throw it away! I'm not gonna throw it away.
Maybe if I did your jokes, they'd be better.
Okay, go ahead.
Uh Oh, these are random notes.
Yeah, 'cause I have no memory.
"Huey Lewis and" Oh! What? He was a comedian? Yeah.
His name was gonna be huey Lewis and what else is in the news? Right? Dude Right? Uh, do you go to the gym, actually? I mean I do go to the gym.
Is that a monthly thing? Is nautilus still popular? Do remember nautilus? That was a big thing.
That was the first gym I didn't go to.
I thought it was That was funny right there.
You just let it It went right by you.
I said that was the first gym I didn't go to.
Oh, here's the problem.
What? I never listen to what you're saying.
That's why I don't host a podcast.
All I'm I see your mouth going.
I go, "when am I gonna get anything?" You can't do subtle comedy like that.
With me? That's the first gym you didn't go to.
Yeah.
That was the first membership I didn't use.
So, what happened? I hate everything about working out.
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