Mr. D (2012) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Okay, not high enough. Okay?
Hold on, I don't like this bat.
Okay, you're pitching me
inside too much.
Pretend.
Shouldn't you be
teaching something? Or
Sheila, there's nobody
here, everybody's away.
If I teach something
I gotta reteach it.
I'm teaching baseball. Keep your head up.
Time!
For you, kid.
It's a walk off. Goodnight.
Is he coming back?
This is my favorite part of the day,
just right before the kids get here.
Spare, I like spare.
Yup. Ah, here we go! Dwyer's back.
- Oh, that's Dwyer!
- The kids call him Mr. D.
- That's what they call me.
- No they don't.
- Yup.
- No, you might think it's you, but it's Dwyer.
Trudy, they're staring
right at me when they say Mr. D.
No, no they aren't.
He's probably standing right behind you.
Shouldn't you be in the
office right now?
Wow, the kids really
seem to like him.
Oh, yeah, they really do,
you know?
He's been here forever.
He's everybody's favorite teacher.
Everybody? So you know
every kid's favorite teacher?
Some kids could have a different
favorite teacher, Trudy.
No they don't, no it's him.
Everybody loves Mr. D.
He has a way with the kids, Gerry.
Mr. D!
Oops, hey!
Hey, Mr. D!
- Hey, Steve!
- Really?
- Mr. D!
- Give it up, Gerry.
- You can't tell that's me.
- No, you can't tell.
You say it, that one was real.
So the number of protons
determines what kind of atom it is.
Change the number of protons
and you get a whole different element.
But now, let's talk about a
couple of fun little groups
called isotopes and ions.
Mr. Hunt, didn't you
promise to show us
how to make a bomb this week?
No, Colin, I never said
anything about making a bomb.
Put "make explosions"
on your to do list.
I won't do that, this class is not
about blowing things up, Colin.
Yeah, but this class
definitely blows.
Colin, settle down.
- You settle down.
- You settle down.
- Hey, everyone, no homework tonight!
- Yeah!
That is not true, know the difference
between carbon 12, 13 and 14.
Jose, there's homework.
Colin if you could wait a moment.
Colin, I cannot have you
disturbing my class anymore.
Because if you do,
there will be consequences.
Big ones.
- Okay, come on.
- Just making sure that you get that, thank you.
You can leave now,
you may both leave.
Finally a warm
welcome back to Mr. Dwyer,
who has just returned from
building homes in Honduras.
All right, all right, all right.
Okay, he can't hear you.
Hope I get the same response when I
come back from Cancun on my spring break!
You guys are really that excited
that Mr. Dwyer is back?
Mr. D's the best!
Okay, you realize
that I am also Mr. D,
and I have been all
of my teaching career as well?
But, this is your
first year teaching.
No, I substituted for years.
Substituting
is not a teaching job.
Oh, is that right?
For your information,
substitute teachers are the
teachers that cover for teachers
that like to go on little "trips" to
Honduras in the middle of the school year.
Well Mr. D's still
everyone's favorite teacher.
I could curse
at you right now Jonathan.
But you can't.
But I can when I
get to the staff room.
You're a beep!
You don't even know what I said.
Gerry Duncan? Paul Dwyer.
Welcome to Xavier.
- How we treating you so far?
- Good, yeah, you're the other Mr. D.
Steve, how you doing?
Hey Bobbi, you good? I am back!
They're comparing us a
lot to each other.
Two Mr. D's. We're
getting compared a lot.
It's confusing at times.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
your braces are off!
Yeah, you're teeth look
good. I noticed that.
No, I mean his braces in his legs,
he had a hard time walking.
His parents had a tough
time with him.
- Anyway, look I gotta get going.
- Well, just so you know
- Good to see I'm back, I'm back.
- There are two Mr. D's.
Number two, number one.
Fifteen minutes?
Excuse me, is that you,
15 minutes on the microwave?
Yes, I am making my lunch.
- Your lunch? What is it?
- Shark.
- Shark?
- Yeah.
- You're having shark?
- Yeah, it's frozen.
Frozen, shark. Isn't that
on the endangered species list?
- It's getting there.
- It's getting there, wow.
All right, well,
you're the librarian, right?
- Yes.
- Are you even supposed to be in the staff room?
Excuse me?
Well, you're not a
teacher, this is for teachers.
I have a Bachelor of
Education, just like you do.
Okay, listen Captain Quint,
the microwave
is not for cooking shark, okay?
Wow, did you catch it yourself?
Hey, guys you're ties
are a little, uh, loose.
- Do you want to fix those?
- Excuse me gentlemen, fix your ties please.
Relax, I'll fix it in class.
Excuse me? You know what?
You're the student,
I'm the teacher,
I could ruin you like that!
Now, fix your tie
and fix them now!
- And don't let me ask you again.
- Sorry, miss, won't happen again.
Go!
Hey, are librarians allowed to use
the microwave in the staff room?
- Just a second.
- What are you doing?
- I'm on gradetheteacher.com.
- What's that?
Oh, it's this website where students can
grade their teachers and leave comments.
I'm on it almost every,
I'm on it everyday.
- Am I on it?
- Um, nope, nothing.
- Not one comment?
- Ah, I got a new one!
I love this thing. "Ms. Mason
has the worst laugh ever".
I don't have a bad laugh, do I?
Um it's different,
it's unique, it's yours.
I wish I could find out
who posts this stuff.
Hit refresh, see if I
have a comment.
- You don't have a comment.
- You didn't hit refresh.
Still nothing.
See if Dwyer has anything.
Whoa! A-plus. All good comments.
"Mr. D's the best listener."
"Mr D's so chill."
"His impressions of the staff
are hilarious."
"He has changed my life forever."
It's just a stupid website
Come on, it's lunchtime.
I wonder if the kids are
posting my comments on his
- because we're both Mr. D.
- Yeah.
And that's why I don't have any?
- That could be it.
- Yeah.
- That could totally be it.
- That would explain it.
All right, come on, let's go.
Twenty minutes now.
Let me just put this in for
What's in there today? Koala?
Dodo bird?
Colin! Colin Stratton.
Dr. Hilarious himself, MD.
- Hey, Mrs. Hunt.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha
Hilarious joke, Colin.
Calling a man a woman. Funny.
That's swish,
three-point basketball.
But where's your hilarious
friends right now Colin?
I don't see them around right now.
Here they come.
Gentlemen, welcome back.
Colin and I were just
chatting about sports.
Got some chips huh?
Fun, that's cool.
Got dill pickle pals huh?
Salt and Vinegar chums. Chip Chaps.
- What is wrong with you?
- Nothing, thank you for asking though.
I'll see you in class Colin.
Chips.
Give me some chips.
Sir, this isn't fair.
We didn't even know about this quiz.
Yes, you did.
Okay, stop writing.
I thought we had 20 more minutes.
Nope, Maya's right. Not fair.
I assumed you all knew.
Maybe you didn't.
So my mistake. No quiz.
Instead we are going to talk.
You don't even know me.
I'd like you to get to know me.
The real me.
Ask questions anything you want.
When was the first time
you got drunk?
Okay, grade 11.
Greg and Mike, St. Joe's dance.
Mike got drunk, he hit on a nun.
True story.
- Which teachers are dating?
- Can't tell you yet Maya,
but when you graduate,
I will tell you, how's that?
- See that's real.
- Have you ever smoked drugs?
Yes, I've smoked pot.
I'm not gonna lie, all right?
I want to tell you the truth.
Marijuana, Cancun,
with my friend Greg.
Thought I had to go to the hospital.
A little freaked out.
But I do not condone drugs.
Nor do I do drugs anymore.
It's rare to have some teacher
be this honest,
and yes I'm strict, and yes I'm teacher,
teacher, teacher, lecture, strict.
But I'm also real.
You'll also get to know me, you'll realize,
hey this guys pretty good.
When did you lose your virginity?
You see? Now, that's not funny.
That's inappropriate.
- You said we could ask anything.
- Yeah, but not that.
Okay, how would you feel if I asked
you when did you lose your virginity?
Or have you lost
Awkward isn't it?
It's this awkward conversation
right now about our virginity
and stand up if
you've slept with Ben.
No! Oh, my God.
I was kidding. Sit.
Quiz is back on, thanks to Ben.
Back to work.
Way to go, Benjamin.
Hey. Hey, you. Hey, you.
You think you're a comedian, huh?
Ha! Ha!
You think you're a comedian?
You're a Mrs.
You're a Mrs. You're a Mrs.
No that's not it.
You're a Mrs.
Oh, what's that?
Do I sound like I'm laughing?
No, I sound like
punching you in the face!
Yeah, cause that's all
you're going to hear
if you don't start behaving
in my classroom.
Wow! That's better.
Don't be late with that.
Well, well, well,
look who needs the library.
Hope you don't hog all the
books, Mr. Duncan.
- I just need the Internet.
- Well, did you reserve a computer?
No, Mr. Leung, I did not.
- It's Lee-yung Lee-yung.
- Lee-yung. Okay Mr. Leung.
- I just need it for five minutes.
- I will give you five minutes.
- Who's that?
- That's my parents.
- Your parents?
- I was adopted.
- So they came here
- No, they were here and I came.
I need it for five minutes -Well, I
will give it to you for five minutes.
- I'm not asking for five.
- Well, I'm already giving it to you.
I'm telling you. Hey, kiddo.
Hey, sir.
- What's wrong?
- I just got cut from the basketball team.
Oh
You know Michael Jordan got cut
from his high school team?
- Really, sir?
- Yeah, greatest player in the world.
Cut in high school.
He didn't let one coach,
and one teacher
tell him he didn't have the
ability look how he turned out.
Maybe one day I can be the
best player in the world.
Hmm.
Well, first you gotta
make the team next year,
then you gotta star on it,
then you gotta go to college, star there,
NBA, six championships.
But I like your thinking.
- Yeah.
- I met Michael Jordan once.
- Really?
- Yeah, he was coming out of a game,
and I stuck my hand
over the, where they come out,
and I, he did that. Michael!
Sir, that's so cool.
That's cool, I touched him.
So
- Mod Squad.
- What?
Nah, just
Anyway, go on with your
day. Don't worry about it.
- Thanks, sir.
- You're welcome.
Grade the teacher.
Nothing. How is that possible?
Time's up.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Hey, Simon, Simon, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you have a chance to talk to Colin yet?
Right, I'm working up to it.
No, you can't work up to it.
You just gotta go for it.
- Well
- No, It's like a Band-aid, you just gotta rip it off.
Oh, no, I'm more of a
warm water sort of guy.
No, no, no, just rip it off.
- Like a bath okay.
- Rip it off, you know.
- Yeah.
- Okay, how's this?
You do not mess with me
because I am a lion,
and you do not mess with a lion,
'cause I will break out of my cage
using the claws
that made me king of the jungle
and I will rip you open I will
tear your face off
and I will wear that face
to Halloween parties.
Like a Halloween mask, and
there's nothing you can do about it.
- Nothing!
- Hunt is scary crazy.
- How was that? Was that good?
- You come across like a murderer.
- Murderer?
- Is that what you were going for?
- I was going for lion.
- Then it's too much.
- Was it a bit much?
- Yeah, a lot much.
That's not good.
Okay, who's this? Who does this?
Mr. Duncan, how you doing?
We're just doing some impressions.
Yeah, I've heard about this, so let's
Don't let me stop you.
- Do Ms. Calka!
- Yeah, let's see that.
Ms. Calka? Ms. Calka's um
Okay, okay.
- That's it?
- Yeah.
That's not an impression,
that's just somebody blowing a whistle.
That could be
anyone that has a whistle.
Yeah, but they know
what I'm doing.
Okay, how about this one?
Mr. Cheeley!
- Ha! You got it! You got it!
- Lucy, that's just any
That's just someone looking at their watch.
How?
Are you guys serious?
That's, that's
Come on, do an impression, somebody.
Okay, uh, who do
you want me to do?
- Do Mr. D.
- This Mr. D?
- Me?
- Okay, um
Hey! Look at me smiling.
Wink, wink, wink, wink.
Wassup? Wassup? Wassup?
Hey, what's that? You're homeless?
Well, stay with me and my wife
and then I'll build you
a home in, in, Honduras.
Uh, everybody
loves me, I'm so nice.
Uh Oh, you're pregnant?
Oh, no, that's okay, my wife
and I'll raise the baby for ya
and then we'll give it back
to you and lots of money.
This is my impression of Mr. Dwyer
doing an impression
of Mr. Callaghan, ready?
Teach hard! Ha-ha,
you're supposed to laugh, right?
Here's an impression of Mr. Dwyer
if he was hammering a nail.
Oh, my God, that's so original.
How did you think of that?
Oh, no, that's amazing.
That is unbelievable,
I've never seen that. Wow!
- Who else?
- Kids, I think it's time to go back to class.
Just messing.
Embarrassing.
Hey, Paul. Can I speak
to you for a quick sec?
Yeah. Keep reading class.
Listen, uh, I don't think
we got off on the right foot
and I just wanted to come and
say I'm sorry for, you know,
- maybe the way I've been acting.
- It's okay, it's cool.
It's just, you're so nice
to the kids
and everything you do makes me
look like the bad Mr. D.
Let's not talk about this
right now. I got my class.
- But thanks for coming.
- Actually, uh, listen,
I also want to apologize
for the impression I did of you.
It wasn't, it wasn't cool.
I accept your
apology, as a matter of fact,
I apologize too, for not making
you feel too welcome.
Maybe we stop doing impressions altogether,
how's that?
No, no I want you to do an
impression of me right now for the kids.
- What?
- It's only fair.
Kids, excuse me.
How many of you would like to
see Mr. D do an impression of Mr. D?
Yeah!
- Look, you guys got work to do.
- Come on, Mr. D.
- We love your impressions.
- Let's go, let's see it.
They love 'em. Here we
go, this is me right here.
Okay, all right,
that's fair. That's fair.
I stand with my
hands on my hips, okay.
I got another one.
How about this one?
- All right.
- That's awesome, sir.
Not really awesome, uh
Oh, you didn't get this one.
You missed one. I do that a lot.
You didn't do that one.
You didn't get it.
No, I didn't actually.
Do this sometimes, okay?
- You didn't get that.
- That was fun though class right?
Give it up for Mr. Duncan.
- You missed a couple.
- You guys got reading to do.
- Okay, this I leave a class sometimes.
- Okay.
Okay? Sometimes I do the
moonwalk out for the kids.
- Okay.
- So you don't know that one.
So not perfect, not great.
Hey, everyone. Sorry I'm late.
I was just up on the roof thinking
some thoughts, clearing my head.
Maybe he should go back
and stay there for awhile.
Okay, where's my marker?
Anyway let's pick up
where we were last lesson.
Who can tell me
what a valence electron is?
- I've got one in my pants.
- Colin, shut up! He'll go psycho.
It's okay Violet,
I'm not gonna go psycho yet.
Fftt! Fftt!
I'm just kidding.
Shank ya.
Hey, ladies, Colin says he has
a valence electron in his pants.
That wouldn't be visible with
even the most powerful microscope.
Check and see if this
Mr. D has any comments now.
Oh yeah? What makes
you think that you do?
Spoke to the kids,
let them get to know me.
There's a new Mr. D in town.
Where's the microwave?
It's not here. Weird.
Hey, there's a bunch here.
Um, "Mr. Duncan likes the wacky tobacky."
- What?
- "Mr. Duncan is mean to Mr. D."
- No, I'm not
- "Mr. Duncan lost his virginity to a nun
when he was drunk in grade 11?"
Oh, my God! Is that true?
What do you think?
It's not true,
these kids didn't listen.
They screwed up my story.
Mike was with the nun.
Wait, wait, wait there's a
there's a nice one here
way down three pages there's
"Mr. Duncan seems nice and
he knows Michael Jordan."
- You know Michael Jordan?
- Maybe, we met.
So the kid got the story wrong?
So, this is the new laugh?
An that's what you came up with?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Almost done.
- Oh, sure.
- You didn't tell anyone did ya?
- No sshhh, secret.
Nice.
Hey, you know Colin Stratton?
Well, he's always
giving me lip in class.
Today I embarrassed him
in front of everyone.
- Shut him right up.
- So now he's mad at you?
Yeah, but there's
nothing he can do about it.
OK, well just be careful,
because the last school he
was at, he stabbed a teacher.
He stabbed a what?