My Three Sons (1960) s01e03 Episode Script

1
(theme song plays)
(indistinct chatter)
(people chattering gavel banging)
It has come to my attention
that the children are playing a game
that has several elements of danger in it.
I inquired of my own child
who has herself been injured several times,
and I'm sure you're all familiar with it.
They call it "sock-ball."
Madame Chairman? Now, the object of the
I haven't finished my thought, Mr. O'Casey.
(chuckles)
Okay, Madame Chairman.
Now in this game of sock-ball,
the object seems to be to throw the ball
at the legs of a running child.
And, of course, it usually results
in the child falling to the pavement.
I move we petition the principal
to exclude sock-ball from the children's
playground activities. Second the motion.
Madame Chairman?
(sighs) Mr. O'Casey wishes to speak.
Thank you.
Madame Chairman, Madame Secretary,
fellow members I, uh, I think it's a little stupid
to give up a good, healthy, old game like sock-ball
just because of a couple of clumsy kids.
Mr. O'Casey, please! This is all being recorded.
Oh, now, wait a minute, ladies. Wait a minute.
What I meant is that I've got three grandsons
One of them in this school right now
They all gave up sock-ball
because they heard it was a sissy game. Question.
Yes, what is it? It has been moved
and seconded that we petition the principal
to exclude sock-ball from the children's
playground activities. What are you sending to this school,
a bunch of cream-puffs?
All those in favor now, please raise your right hand.
Oh, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's kick this thing around a little more.
Mr. O'Casey, you are in contempt of the chair!
That is so true.
But let us stick to one subject at a time.
(all clamoring)
(squawking, cackling and crowing)
Hi, boys. Hi, Dad. Hi, Dad.
Boy, guess what I finally Just a minute.
You'll never believe what Would
you hold it just a minute, please?
Now what's going on here? Where's Bub?
He called me up, told me to put the dinner on.
Oh, where is he? He's still at a committee meeting
down at Chip's school. Dad, guess what I found!
It's the neatest deal! My gosh, you can't turn it down!
It's something that Why should
a committee meeting last this late?
I don't know. He said something
about an argument over sock-ball.
'47, stripped down, dual pipes
He's got to stay there awhile and straighten it out.
Oh. Carl Joy has one. He works on it all the time.
His dad says it's the best thing that ever happened
at their house. Is this all we're
going to have for dinner? Potatoes?
Oh, no, I was going to make some toast. Oh, good.
You know, I'm not exactly a gourmet,
but somehow just toast and potatoes
doesn't do much for me.
Real cheap, Dad, it's a steal!
What's a steal?
This gorgeous clunk, this car.
(phone rings) Here, open that, will you?
My gosh! I can mill the heads
Answer the phone, will you, Robbie?
(Robbie groans) Dad.
Hmm? In a couple of days the guy from State College
is coming over to interview me for the scholarship.
From State?
Oh, I thought you wanted to go to Stanton.
Well, I did, but my grades being what they are,
I didn't think I had a chance.
But, anyway, these men
from the Alumni Enrollment Committee,
they're sort of
well, kind of all businesslike. So?
So what are we going to do about Bub?
What do you mean, what are we going to do about him?
Well, you know how he doesn't care what he says to people.
I mean, this is pretty important to me, Dad.
Mike
maybe I'd better refresh your memory a little.
At one time, your granddad was doing very well
managing a movie theater.
Yeah, in Plainview. That's right.
And when your mother died, he gave up everything
and came into our home and did his best
to take his daughter's place.
He came into our house and cheered us up
when we thought we'd never laugh again.
Oh, I didn't mean anything, but
He not only had to do the housework,
he had to attend committee meetings,
go to social teas and do a lot of things
that most men wouldn't have the nerve to do.
And he does it because he wants you boys
represented in the neighborhood.
I don't know about you, Mike, but to me that
more than makes up for a little Irish temper
and an occasional lack of tact. Hmm?
Yeah.
Slice those up, huh?
And then when I'm old enough to drive,
I'll know all about engines and stuff, and
Boy, have we got a neat grandpa!
How come you always got to butt in?
Are you just getting home from school?
Yeah. Bub's down there and he's got
a bunch of ladies yelling at him. What?
They're yelling and squawking and flapping their arms
Me and Freddie Trotter been watching through the window.
Bub just stands there and smiles.
They yell some more and a couple of them start crying.
Boy, it's neat!
TEACHER: Okay, Marilyn, now
you've never been in here before.
You know what I want you to do, so try it again, okay?
Hello. What are the weekly rates for this hotel?
Well, I'm not sure.
Nobody's ever stayed here a week.
That's good.
That's good, but, uh
remember now, this is supposed to be vaudeville.
So your delivery has to be much louder
and delivered straight to the audience.
Now suppose we give it another try.
Yes?
Excuse me. I'm looking for Robbie Douglas.
He's my grandson.
He forgot his lunch.
All right, Robbie, you may get your lunch.
Now, we'll try that again.
(cymbals crashing)
You're as bad as you are at home.
Here's your lunch. Thanks. So long.
Are they doing a sketch up there?
Yeah. So long.
"So long."
TEACHER: Now, suppose we try it again.
Hello, what are the weekly rates at this hotel?
Well, I'm not sure.
Nobody's ever stayed here a week.
Would you like a room and bath?
Um, just the room.
It's five days till Saturday.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Not bad at all, that's fine.
That's fine.
(laughs)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Now Marilyn, if you'll move
slightly upstage and
Excuse me.
Do you mind if I make a suggestion?
No, no, go right ahead.
Oh, thank you very much.
Well, the young lady is spoiling the second part of her gag
by the way she tells the first part.
She says something about being in a hotel
a week and then she says
it's only five days till Saturday.
Fine, I'll make a note of that.
Now Marilyn, if you'll move slightly upstage,
and then when no.
Oh, no, no, no no, honey.
When he says "upstage" he means away from the audience.
Excuse me, Mister, uh
Theodore. Uh, Theodore.
You see, in the old days, they built the stages
so they slanted toward the audience
so you could see the actor better.
Oh, by the way, Ted, my name is O'Casey.
How do you do? Fine.
Boy, I'll never forget the five Daring Dunbars.
It was in Sulphur Bay, Missouri.
The stage there was built
on a 30-degree slant toward the audience.
They came zooming out there
and zoomed right into the orchestra pit.
(laughs)
It was a roller skate lesson.
That's very interesting, Mr. O'Casey. It was interesting.
You could bet on that.
Were you in vaudeville?
Were I in vaudeville?
I was the stage manager in this house.
I've got the theater in my blood.
Yes, I-I-I see.
Well, we'd better get back to rehearsing for the jamboree.
Right, hotel jokes.
Now I got a million of them.
You step forward there, Johnny,
and listen to these jokes. You'll laugh at them, too.
Now, listen to these jokes.
And you can play them with me, will you?
I'll say you No, you'd better say to me,
"What's the name of the hotel we stopped at in Detroit?"
What's the name of the hotel we stopped at in Detroit?
Uh, I don't know, I'll have to look at my towels.
(Bub laughs)
You say to me, uh,
I'll be the bellhop this time.
Go ahead. I'll be the bellhop.
Dad?
Good night.
Oh, hi, Robbie.
Are you busy?
No, no.
Look, Robbie, if it's about the car
Dad, will you tell Bub to quit coming by the school?
You won't be able to get your learner's permit
till next year, and
What's what's Bub got to do with the car deal?
Well, nothing. Oh.
What did you say?
Well, Bub said that he came by my school
to bring me my lunch, but I think that
he really wanted to get in the jamboree rehearsals.
I'm sure he did.
What's wrong with that?
Well, he butts in
and and talks real loud
and calls Mr. Theodore "Ted,"
and embarrasses everyone!
You can just hear him.
And I end up looking like a goof
in front of Marilyn Turnthurston.
"Marilyn Turnthurston"?
She's a girl.
Oh, thanks. In my class.
Anyway, will you tell him?
Look, Robbie,
if you're so anxious to hurt your granddad's feelings,
why don't you tell him?
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Fine. Let's just leave it that way, huh?
Good night, Robbie.
No matter who tells him,
it's going to hurt his feelings, right?
Good night, Dad. Good night, Robbie.
If I can't have a car, how about just a motor?
Good night, Robbie.
Good night, Dad.
Okay.
Fine. Takes care of that.
You must understand, Michael,
this meeting doesn't necessarily mean.
State is granting you this scholarship.
I'm simply appointed by the committee
to meet you and submit my impressions.
Oh, I-I-I do understand that, Mr. Finch.
Fine.
Now, there are a few tiresome forms for you to fill out.
Oh, I didn't know you had company, Mike.
Oh, Bub, this is Mr. Finch from State College.
Mr. Finch, this is my grandfather, Mr. O'Casey.
How are you, Mr. Finch? How do you do?
Glad to know you. Thank you.
So you've come to try and get this grandson of mine
into that State College of yours, huh?
Well, uh Well, you fellas surely get around, don't you?
State College hears about a high school boy
that's a pretty fair track man,
and you're Johnny-on-the-spot, right?
Well, State College is more interested in a boy's grades
and character than in his athletic prowess, Mr. O'Casey.
Sure, sure.
But the fact that he ran the four-forty
in 51 seconds flat doesn't hurt any, does it?
MIKE: Bub, Mr. Finch
doesn't even know about that.
You want to bet?
Well, I can't stand around here
and chew the rag all afternoon.
I've got a lot of work to do.
It's nice to know you, Mr. Finch.
Nice to know you.
Now, don't misunderstand me.
I don't see anything rotten
about a college looking around for a fine, young athlete.
(vacuum running)
(vacuum stops)
They darn near all do it, why shouldn't you?
(vacuum running)
Well let's get at the dishes.
Bub, uh, we'll take over
with the dishes tonight; You, uh
Yeah. You go on and read the paper,
and the boys and I will clean up the kitchen, hmm?
Well, you twisted my arm.
Now, look, fellas
Now, don't you guys think you're fooling anybody.
Getting me out of the way
so you can gripe about the food.
Let's get busy, you guys.
Well, that was a nice, quiet dinner.
Now, what's bothering you fellas anyway?
It isn't the food.
Jeepers, no, it's!
It's what, Chip?
Chip, I asked you a question.
Mike says if we tell you, you'll get sore.
Oh, that's a swell thing to say.
Now you gotta tell him.
Tell me what?
Well, Bub keeps coming down to the school,
and for a while, it was kind of funny,
but now the kids say I got a goofy grandfather
that makes ladies cry
and and the principal And
I'm just sure Mr. Theodore's
she's gonna write you a letter
gonna put me out of the Jamboree
about why didn't you keep him home?
If Bub keeps coming to rehearsals.
And Marilyn Turnthurston, why, she's
Marilyn who?
Turnthurston that's a girl.
Mike, have you any, uh, coals
to add to the fire?
No no, Dad.
Don't you boys know that your granddad
thinks the sun rises and sets on you?
He wouldn't do anything I tried to tell them that, Dad.
What are you, a big
Shh, Robbie, hold it down.
What are you, a big angel or something?
Just 'cause you don't want to tell Dad
how Bub wrecked you going to State?
The interviewer from State College was here?
Well, Bub didn't mean anything, Dad.
I didn't want to go there anyway.
All right, boys, I'll, uh
I'll talk to Bub.
Do you have to, Dad?
He didn't meant to louse things up.
We all know that, Mike,
but this time, he
You, uh, fellas clean up the kitchen, huh?
And Mike, lay off Robbie.
CHIP: Thanks, Dad.
Every time Mike smacks Robbie, I get hurt.
Uh, Bub
They must have elbow sharpeners in that school.
Look at this sleeve, will you?
Bub
Okay, Steve, I can see the jig's up,
so fire away.
I got it coming, so let me have it.
Well, Bub, uh, I've been talking
to the boys, and, uh
it's nothing, nothing too serious, it's
Oh, yes, it is, the food's been terrible.
After all, Robbie doesn't ask for much,
and I I saved the money
out of the food budget.
You know, you said yourself
that, uh, someday, you'd have
to give him a direct answer about a car.
Well, Bub, what I want
And he's the only one that knows anything
about a car around the house here.
Wait w-wait a minute, Bub.
What-what-what are you talking about?
I can't hear a thing.
Me, neither.
(whispering): Hey, knock it off.
How'd you like somebody listening in
on you while Dad was tearing you apart?
All right, finish the dishes.
You know, the little knothead's a pretty nice kid,
and this way, he might really learn something
about cars before he starts driving them.
Uh, do you think I did wrong?
No. No, you-you-you did fine, Bub.
Good, good.
They put it in the garage this afternoon,
and Robbie will find it in the morning.
Now, don't say anything.
No.
No, I won't say anything, Bub.
Boy, I sure hope Dad is taking it easy on him.
(door opening)
Oh, you've, uh, got it pretty well cleaned up, huh?
I just couldn't tell him right now.
Gee, Dad, if Bub shows up
at that rehearsal tomorrow, I've had it.
I'll do it tonight after you fellas have hit the sack.
MIKE: I sure hope we're doing the right thing.
So do I.
And if you fellas have been giving me
the right dope, I'm sure we are.
Well, sure, but Now, wait a minute.
Whether he meant it or not,
Bub has been stepping on your toes, right?
And you've all asked me
to do something about it, right?
Okay, I think you've got legitimate complaints,
and I'm going to straighten Bub out tonight.
(birds chirping)
I see no no, no, uh, that'll be fine.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good-bye.
You must be cooking up quite a deal.
You've been on the phone all evening.
Yeah.
Yeah, the, uh the boys all sacked out?
Yeah, all but Mike.
He's still hitting the books.
I wonder how Bub'll take this?
Well, if it was me, I sure wouldn't stick around
where I wasn't wanted.
I didn't mean that.
Sure would be funny not having Bub around.
Next month, I'm gonna reorganize
this whole laundry deal.
Here, uh, let me give you a hand.
All right.
Well, what's the problem?
Problem?
Now, don't give me
that "no problem" routine.
There's been something on your mind all evening now.
Come on, out with it.
(phone ringing)
I'll get it.
It won't get any better,
keeping it to yourself, you know?
Hello?
Oh, no, no, that's all right.
I'll call him. Robbie!
If you're sore about Robbie's surprise,
I'll take it back.
ROBBIE: Yeah?
Telephone you can take it in my room.
I wouldn't have bought it in the first place
That isn't it, Bub.
Yeah?
Oh, Robbie, I'm sorry to bother you so late,
but I I wanted to be sure you had the light cues
for the jamboree dress rehearsal tomorrow.
Oh, yes, sir.
Well, fine, fine, fine.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, Robbie,
about your grandfather
Oh, I knew you were gonna be talking
to me about that, sir.
I'm sorry, but I just there's
I haven't had a chance to tell you how
how much I appreciate his coming
to rehearsals every day You do?!
So if you don't want to tell me, don't.
Something about Mike, maybe?
Well, in a way, yes,
uh, and Robbie and Chip.
Oh, well, that could be pretty serious.
(trumpet fanfare)
BUB: I'm going to find out sometime, you know?
(laughs) Hi.
Hi.
Steve, listen, two heads are bet
What are you doing down here?
Don't you know it's after 10:00?
I know, but I gotta talk to Dad.
Well, talk to him in the morning.
Now, Steve (phone ringing)
Jeepers, Dad
Robbie, uh, answer the phone, will you?
But, jeepers, Dad, I just gotta talk
You heard him answer the phone. (Phone ringing)
Aw, gee. Now, Steve,
there's no use beating around the bush.
Actually, Bub, there's no real problem.
No? Mike!
Hey, Mike!
It's for Mike. It's for Mike.
How could you tell? MIKE: Yeah?
Get the phone!
Mrs. Towler was telling me there's, uh
there was a little excitement down at Chip's school.
No kidding? Well, I must have missed it.
No, no, I mean, uh, at your committee meeting.
Oh, that. Dad
I'm like a rooster in a henhouse down there.
The more I crow, the more they squawk.
(chuckling): They love it.
Oh, don't worry, Mr. Finch, I'll be there,
and I, uh I'm sorry about my grandfather.
Michael, whether or not you get a scholarship
to State College does not depend on your grandfather.
Oh, I know that.
As a matter of fact, I rather enjoyed him.
It's refreshing these days to listen to a man
who speaks frankly, even if he is wrong.
You're not worried about Mrs. Towler
and that bunch of bimbos, are you, Steve?
Who cares about them?
What else did she say?
Well
Bub Pipe down, Robbie, your father's talking.
What else did she say, Steve?
Well, she
Bub, Mr. Theodore called and wanted to know,
(trumpet fanfare) are you gonna
be at the final rehearsal tomorrow?
Are you kidding?
I never missed a final rehearsal in my life.
What's the matter with that Theodore?
He says he sure appreciates
all the help you've been giving him.
Yeah?
That Ted'd all right He's a nice fella.
There's nothing wrong with him.
Uh, what else did Mrs. Towler say, Steve?
Dad Here, Robbie, uh,
run my car in the garage, will you?
I forgot and left it in the driveway.
Sure, Dad, but now we don't have
to tell Bub what we've been talking about.
MIKE: Dad
I suppose that darned Towler woman
Hey, Steve, don't send Robbie out there.
That's where his Tell me what?
About Mr. Finch.
He just called me and and told me I'm still
in line for the scholarship.
Well, I knew all about that.
I sewed that deal up two or three days ago.
Now, come on, Steve, quit stalling.
Well, when Mrs. Towler called,
she also said she was sorry
she blew up at the meeting.
There's no problem, Bub.
Never has been. Right, Mike?
Gee, yeah.
Well, then, doggone it, Steve,
what's the big idea getting me all stirred up?
How come Mr. Finch, Mr. Theodore and Mrs. Towler
just all happened to call at the same time?
Yeah, that is a coincidence, isn't it?
Yeah.
BUB: Fine thing.
Here I am trying to be real helpful
and there's nobody to help.
(car engine backfiring)
(engine revving)
Hey, what's that?
(engine revving)
(engine revving)
(idling)
(revving)
(backfires)
(idling)
(revving)
(backfires)
(idling)
(dialogue muted by engine)
(backfires) Neighbors!
My very own motor!
Yeah, all you need now is a is a car.
What do you mean? It practically is a car!
Where'd you get this thing?
Bub, man, you're the greatest!
Oh, Robbie, behave yourself. Bub
ROBBIE: Boy, were we wrong.
Man, that's great. Oh, wow.
Oh, stop acting like a welcome home committee.
(sustained revving)