On the Buses (1969) s01e03 Episode Script

Now ladies and gentlemen, we'll have
a little bit of applause at the beginning
of the show.
That's to show you're here, and we're
starting the bus engine now, let's just
see it works.
And when I wave to you after the thing
starts, don't wave back, start clapping.
And I'll tell you when to stop.
Over his head please.
You know mum, I don't think Stan's
going to like it when he finds out I'm
working on the buses.
Well, if your husband doesn't mind you
being a clippy, I don't see why your own
brother should.
Yeah, but you know what Stan's
like about things like that.
Hello mum.
Hello love.
How you going love?
All right.
How's the idea gone?
All right, very much.
Oh charming, why don't you buy
a paper for a change?
Well, it's a bit of a waste
of time isn't it?
If I put it to time we might
just as well take turns.
Turns?
Last time you bought one they
were a penny.
Come on, come on Stan.
Come and sit down and have your tea.
Olive's got some news.
Oh yeah, yeah, well come on,
where is it then?
She's getting a job.
I bet that's made the headlines.
Have a look mate.
Let's see, that's 47 you've had
this year, isn't it?
Oh Stan, don't be rude to your sister.
She can't help it.
It's the labour exchange.
Yeah, but they haven't invented
one to suit her yet.
Yeah, well I must say I don't
approve of my wife working really.
Still it will help with the little
luxuries won't it?
Oh, she's gonna buy you a fag then.
All right, come on then, give us it.
What's the news?
Well, it was mum's idea.
Well, I had a brainwave.
Oh yeah?
She's working on the buses.
Something gone down the wrong way love.
That bit of news did.
Her?
Olive on the buses?
Yes, it's gonna be nice for her
working at the same depot as you.
Me?
Why me?
Why not?
You're her brother.
Well, you're her husband.
Why don't you get her a job on
the railways?
Let her work in the booking office,
will you?
Selling railway tickets is highly
skilled work.
What on earth would she do?
She could clean your little window.
Or do you like it dirty so the people
can't see what you're up to?
Those windows are dark because they're
armour-plated to stop the bullets.
Bullets who from?
Bandits or passengers?
Oh, come out of it.
No, she wouldn't suit you love,
I'm telling you that.
Yeah, well, as I say, I don't approve
of my wife working really.
Oh, but the money will come in useful, Arthur.
Working as a clippy, I'll earn £11.10 a week.
£14.13 and five with late shift and overtime.
Why don't you get her on nights?
That's a good idea, that'll bring it up to £17.
Oh, shut up.
I still don't think it suits you, love.
I mean, you're very choosy, love.
Besides, wait till you see the
application form, that'll soon put you off.
Oh, she's filled in all the form,
haven't you, love?
Show it to Stan.
Yeah, all except the questions on
the back, the medical section.
Yeah.
Question number one.
What's it say?
I can't read the small print.
Have you got good eyesight?
I'll put yes.
What are you talking about?
Blimey, she couldn't read the question.
Well, she could if she had her proper
glasses and a little more light.
Now then, question two.
Have you had any of the following
childhood diseases?
Tick and put date against
the ones you have had.
God, your pen'll run out, I think.
Mumps.
Now, let me see.
What was those dates?
Dates?
You don't have mumps twice.
Olive did.
Oh, well, I'll put two ticks, yes.
Now, measles, whooping cough,
German measles.
Oh, there are a lot, aren't there?
Why don't you make it a permutation?
I still don't say that she's
not fit for the job.
Do you suffer from dizzy spells,
nausea and fainting?
Blimey, she's had a jackpot, near.
I'll put no.
What do you mean, no?
What about last week?
Oh, well, that was because of the weather.
It was awful.
Now, let's see, four.
Do you suffer from vertigo?
No, she never had that.
What is it?
Vertigo is being frightened of
heights and high places.
Oh, I am, even going up the stairs.
What are you going to do on
the top deck of a bus, then?
Well, it's all right when she
closes her eyes.
Oh, that's marvellous, isn't it?
Wandering about on the top deck
of a bus with your eyes shut.
You're supposed to be collecting fares,
not playing blind man's buff with the
passengers.
Now, this is ridiculous.
You've got to answer them properly.
Now, look here, I filled in all
the forms last time.
All you've got to do is just
sign it there, see?
Did he sign?
Look here, you've worked on the buses
for so long, you can recommend Olive.
You can say that she's suitable for
Let's see what she's suitable for.
Oh, she's suitable person to serve
as a conductress.
There you are.
Well, I don't think she is.
And besides, if the fellas knew
I put her up, they'd kill me.
Go on, go on, do as you're told, love.
The manager's the only one who'll know.
All right then, I'll sign it, but
I'll put an X for no publicity.
There now, I made it fit.
Arthur, don't you think Olive
looks nice in her uniform?
Yeah, dazzling.
Hey, I've dashed home early.
I might get the last bit of
football in, Arthur.
Yeah, Stan, Stan, look at Olive's suit.
I've altered it, you know,
show it off, show it off.
Yeah, it looks like one of
them Paris models.
Not exactly Starbuck Christian Dior, was it?
Looks more like it's been bashed
out by Layla Motors.
Here, how's the training going, love?
Hello, Olive starts on her own tomorrow.
We want you to give her a bit
of last minute advice.
I'll be a lot to see to next month.
Here, what do I do first?
Do I tell her if her tickets will
take their money?
Look, go on, show her.
Well, I can't without rolling tickets,
anyhow, I'll see you afterwards.
She's got two left feet.
But he can move, though, he can move.
Here, what are you doing?
Now Olive will have to imagine
she got the tickets.
Oh, wait a minute, I've got a high, dear.
Here you are, that'll do, dear,
just take that.
Here, here, you can't give her that,
I bought that.
What do you mean, bought it?
It's got British Railways stamped
on every seat.
I supplied it, didn't I?
No wonder the British Railways
are going broke.
Now, there we are, there we are.
Now, we've got to imagine, we've got
to imagine that these are the bus seats.
Come on, Stan.
Can't I do it after the match is over?
Oh, come on.
Oh, all right then, all right.
There we are.
What are you doing?
I'm on the bus.
They're going to be very big tickets.
Oh, well, you have to imagine it's
a very long journey.
First, please, first, please.
Come on, Stan, ask her for her ticket.
A six million one from
the high street to Warwick Road.
Yes, sir.
Wrong.
Oh, I thought you'd done that very nicely.
But there isn't a bus that goes
from the high street to Warwick Road.
Oh, Stan, you are awful.
You're only teasing.
Just like when we was children.
I'll do it properly this time.
Now, come on, hurry up, hurry up,
will you?
Give me a tenpenny one to the cemetery
gates, and I've only got a quid.
Tenpence from a pound, that will be
19, and tuppence change.
And there's your ticket.
Oh, you can't say she didn't do that well.
Very good.
The only difference was I only
gave her a ten bob note.
Oh, Stan.
I don't call that very nice.
I'm sure no one would be so dishonest.
You're joking, Mum.
At least I gave her money.
One dark night, somebody's going
to work her a soap voucher.
I'll be fair with you, love.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
Take your money back.
Listen, I'm going to ask you
a question now.
Look, if a drunk got on the bus
Drunk got on the bus, see?
Wanted to cause a fight,
what would you do?
Come on.
Well, the inspector said
Don't worry about what he said.
I'm the driver, and I know.
Right, if he wants to start a fight,
you wrap smartly on the window of the cab.
Of course, so he can come and help you.
No, so he can lock himself in.
Oh, Stan, you would go and
help your climp in.
No, it's far better for him to stop there
than if she's in real trouble, he can
drive her straight to the hospital.
Well, I'm fed up with this game anyway.
Hey, Arthur.
Oi.
Come here and play an awkward passenger.
How do I do that?
Just be yourself.
No, I don't think that's very nice.
Really, I don't, Stan.
Here, come on, Arthur.
Come and help your wife.
Go on, go on.
All right, all right, all right.
Come on, I'll get the set warmed up.
First, please.
First, please.
I'll have a sixpenny and here's a pound note.
Ah, now I better be sure this is a pound.
Especially if it's Arthur's.
Oh dear, I'll have to pay you all in sixpences.
You can't do that.
Why?
Well, blimey, she's a clipper,
you're not a fruit machine.
No, save your float,
always save your float.
Look, I'm going to report you for
inefficiency if you don't hurry up.
Oh, no, no, don't stand for that
from one of the passengers.
Order him off the bus.
What for?
For smoking on the lower deck.
What a fantastic finish.
5-1 to the South Americans and four
goals scored in the last five minutes.
A really wonderful game.
I really, I don't know when I've
enjoyed a game so much.
You and Mr Football Match now.
And there's nothing on until
the midnight movie.
Oh, good.
Well, we've got three hours
to teach Olive.
Come and sit down.
First, please.
First, please.
Come on.
Good morning, Dole.
Hello.
Your sister's starting today, then, Stan?
Yeah, she's on a number nine.
Oh, yeah?
Not for me, thank God.
Oh, she's all right, but you know
what it is, working with a family, it's
hopeless, mate.
Oh, butler,
I've switched your conductor.
You're on the 29 again.
Oh, no.
What for?
Yes, well, your mother had a word with me.
She told me you like to have your
sister on the bus with you.
What?
Well, we like to keep everyone
up here, you know.
Suit you?
Well, yeah.
Stan, you was going to ask him,
weren't you?
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Well, there's the bus.
Number 11 to the cemetery gates.
Do her out in three minutes.
Right.
All right, hop on, Olive.
Check your way, Bill.
Now, look, Olive, I'm going to
buy your first ticket.
I'll have a tempany one.
She just can't give you a ticket.
Of course she can.
I'm going with you.
I wouldn't miss Olive's first trip.
Tempany.
Look, Mum, I know it's Olive's first
day as a clipper, but you can't sit on the
bus all day with an older aunt
in case she cries.
Oh, well, I'm only going as far
as the shops.
Oh, Stan, I'll be Olive's first passenger.
Do you think I ought to wish?
You know, Stan, it's a thing
a mother never forgets.
Could be something the bus company
never forgets at all.
How do I look, Mum?
Oh, smashing, love.
You know, you two ought to have your
photos took, brother and sister in uniform
again.
What do you mean again?
When did we have it taken before?
When you was a wolf cub and you was a brownie.
Oh, Mum, I'm not a brownie anymore.
This is quite different.
Oh, no, it's not, love.
Here comes Brown Al.
Do her out directly, Butler.
Mind you leave on time.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Stan, you're giving him
the Boy Scout salute.
No, love, no, that's the busman salute.
It's the same, two fingers, you know,
but we don't bring it right up to the
forehead.
We stop halfway in between like this.
Butler.
I said, oh, Stan, two minutes due out.
Come on, love, we'd better go.
Oh, we can't, I've got to do me hair.
Oh, don't forget your curlers.
You haven't got time to put curlers in.
Oh, she's not putting them in,
she's taking them out.
She was very late this morning.
It was Arthur's fault.
He never bought her early morning tea.
Looking like that, I'm not surprised.
Only take a second.
I'll go up to the ladies and take them out.
Oh, well, if you're going there,
dear, you might as well.
Yes, you're next, Mum.
Well, all right, I'm going
to get in the cab, Mum.
Oh, Stan, I'm so glad she's
going to be with you.
You can keep an eye on her when
you're driving.
What was that you said?
I said you can keep an eye
on her when you're driving.
Mum, I drive that way.
And when I drive that way, the company
might be going to look that way.
It keeps down the insurance, you see.
So if you want me to keep an eye on her,
you want to get her to run in front of
the bus.
You know what I mean.
Wow.
I was as quick as I could, Stan.
Have you got everything?
Yeah.
Oh, no, me ticket machine.
Where did you leave it?
Hanging on the door of the loo.
Oh, really?
I've got an idea.
It's going to be a nightmare journey.
Mum, get in the bus, will you?
All right, love.
For God's sake, let's have somebody
in their position.
I got it, Stan.
You all right now?
Yeah.
OK, get in then.
All right.
What's the matter?
You did that on purpose.
I didn't do it, Mum.
Please get in, will you?
I've got to get in.
Come on.
Do that again.
All right.
OK, get in.
OK.
Right.
Stop the engine.
What's the matter now?
It's the fumes.
It's upsetting us.
She can't breathe.
Oh, I can't breathe.
It's upsetting us.
She can't breathe and the doors are shut.
Can't you do something about
that terrible smell?
This bus goes on diesel,
not only cologne.
You've got to get used to it.
Look, she's got a sensitive stomach.
You know what she's like when
we have sardines.
But if she's going to work on the buses,
you want to put a filter on her
intake.
Come on, come on.
All right, all right.
Do you mind, please?
All right, Inspector.
I'm sorry.
Get on.
Oh, my God.
Stan, I
feel sick.
Look, you'll have to get used to it.
Now, get back on the bus.
What's up now?
Come on, what's up?
Olive's not feeling very well.
She's got travel sickness.
Oh, God, that's all I need.
Car sick, clip me.
Oh, Jesus.
Andy, for me, I'll get off here.
Oh, dear.
Something wrong, miss?
She's a bit tired.
She's got a bit of a headache.
Not surprising.
The hours these girls are expected to work.
Perhaps a glass of water would help, eh?
It would, but we haven't got one, Andy.
Well, there's a cafe just down the road.
I'm sure they'd let me have one.
I'll go and see.
Look, Mum, I thought you told me
she got over being car sick.
Well, she has almost.
It's only when she travels at the back.
She's quite all right when
she's sitting in the front.
Why didn't you tell me she could
come and sit up on my knee?
Oh, no, no, no.
Now, do be sensible, Stan.
You're right.
I could be sensible.
I could drive the bus in reverse.
Look, this is absolutely ridiculous, Mum.
She should never have started to be
a clip if she suffered from motion
sickness.
She can't help it.
It's very common.
What about them there astronauts
that went to the moon?
That they suffered from motion sickness?
Blimey, they went 250,000 miles to the moon.
Nine times round it and 250,000 miles back again.
Blimey, she's only come half a mile from the depot.
I know.
But she didn't have their training.
Oi.
What's the hold up?
Well, we're running a bit early, mate.
We're regulating the time a bit, you know.
Them buses.
I'm surprised you haven't stopped
for a cup of tea.
Mum, this is absolutely ridiculous.
I can't stop here and yet I can't
move off without a conductor.
I'm not supposed to stop till I get
to the end of the route.
And where's that?
We turn round at the symmetry gates.
Called by the look of her.
I might just as well drive straight in.
Stan, you didn't know what to say, though.
There you are, my dear.
Nice cup of tea.
That'll make you feel better, eh?
Oh, thank you.
Wonderful, you know.
How a small cup of tea puts
new life into you, doesn't it?
Pretty you didn't bring the pot.
I'll be on my way.
Yeah, thank you.
For God's sake, when are we going?
Oh no, I've seen a lot now.
Five minutes from the depot and
you stop for a tea break.
No wonder the country's ruined.
It's not a proper tea break.
Oh, yeah, it comes later, I suppose.
Round the next corner.
No wonder the fares are going up.
It cost me two bob from
the Garry's to Apex corner.
And by the time you get there, I've no
doubt the fares will have gone up again.
Very funny.
Well, we happen to have a bit of
trouble and I tell you what, mate.
Here, here's your two bob back.
Get on the bus behind.
Go on, hop in.
All right, I will.
That's it.
Got rid of him, the stupid nit.
He's not such a nit.
Why?
He didn't buy a ticket.
Look, Mum, it's absolutely impossible.
I can't stand here.
They think I've deserted them.
I mean, they're sending out a search party.
Look, I'm going to start up the motor.
Go on, start it up.
Go on, don't talk to me.
Come on, come on, love, you come up.
I'll look after you till
the end of the journey.
Oh, I'll see you later.
Come on, love.
What are you going to do
if more passengers get on?
I'll manage that, all right.
Go on.
All right, all right then, all right.
Careful, careful.
There we are.
Now, sit down there, love.
That's right, now put your head
back and shut your eyes.
Two one and twos and two halves, please.
Sorry about that.
I'll bring your change along.
Oh, don't worry, love.
I'll do that for you.
Come along.
Now, it's, uh, what do you say?
Uh, two one and twos and two halves.
Oh, I've got to tap me.
Oh, I've got another tap knee, oh dear.
Oh, I must be doing something wrong.
Show me what to do, will you, love?
Oh, oh.
No, I know.
All right, I'll do it to you.
Don't worry.
Oh, they're all tap knees, oh well.
They're left-hand tap knees, that's all.
There we are.
Well, well, I think I better
have some change now.
I've got some money in the central.
There's a good girl.
Now, I'll see you later, love,
I'll see you later.
Hello.
Mum, what are you doing?
Oh, for the money.
I never knew a bus had so many cracks.
What's all these tickets?
Well, I, uh, had a bit of difficulty
with the rolls.
Well, you'd better clear it up
before the inspector sees it.
Oh, well, all right, well, all right,
well, give me a hand.
Mum, I've just about had enough of you, mate.
Give me a hand, hello.
Mrs. Butler, what's she doing here?
Now, uh, now look, Inspector, there's,
uh, there's your tickets, uh, and
there's your money.
You'll find it all correct, but some
of it's under the seats.
Well, what's the meaning of this?
You know the regulations, Butler.
Your conductor is not allowed to get
off the bus without the tickets and the
money.
Oh, she hasn't got off the bus, Inspector.
Well, where is she, then?
Lying on the floor.
Eh?
Yeah, she, uh, she travels better that way.
Travels better?
Now, this is all wrong, Mrs. Butler.
You know, look at those tickets, darling.
Look, there are hundreds of flash tickets.
Oh, I feel so sick.
Oh, dear.
Oh, my good God almighty.
What's wrong with her?
Don't worry, Inspector, it's all right.
She's never done this before, has she?
Well, no, she's
She'll be quite all right.
She'll be fine when she's better,
won't you, love?
It's just the travelling, you know.
Butler, come over here a minute.
I want to have a word with you.
When you recommended your sister for
this job, you signed a form to say she was
suitable.
Well
Suitable.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Well, when she signed the form, she was.
What do you mean?
Well, um, could I have a word
with you a minute?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
See?
Why didn't you say that before?
Well, I didn't know.
I'll go and have a word with
the general manager.
Mr. Han.
Mr. Han.
What did he say?
Has he given Olive the sack?
Oh, she's
She's too ill to work.
Will she have a sickness benefit?
You must be potty.
Well, why not?
It's their boss what's made her sick.
You can't claim sickness benefit
after 12 months.
She's only done one trip, 72 minutes.
She doesn't even qualify for an aspirin.
I've had a little word with the general manager.
And he's very, very kindly offered
to give her a lift home in his own motor
car.
Oh, that is nice.
Did you hear that, sir?
I'll give you a hand, love.
No, no.
Don't you strain yourself, my dear.
Nurse.
I keep my package.
I keep this here in case any other
passengers are ever taken ill.
Get in, love.
All right, there you go now.
If you want a lift as well, Mrs. Buckner,
I'm sure the general manager won't be
too happy.
Oh, it's very nice of you.
Very, very nice.
What did you say to him?
Well, you see, when I found myself
in all that trouble, I told him the first
thing that come to my mind.
And what was that?
Well, I told him Olive was in the family way.
Oh, Stan.
Stan, does that mean she can't
come back to the job?
Well, not for another nine months.
Oh, really, Stan, you didn't
ought to have done that.
You know I don't like lies.
Well, don't get on to me.
You want to speak to her husband, Arthur.