Our Flag Means Death (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Captain
we're a few hundred yards
out from "The Revenge."
Nice. Very good.
Love that.
Honestly, I really don't think
this Bonnet is worth your time.
Mmm.
So, he's a fancy man with a fancy ship,
and he travels with
a brigade of imbeciles.
Do I have that right?
Yes, I suppose you could put it
And he bested you at swordplay.
They tricked us. It was an
ambush. Completely unprofessional.
- Hmm.
- So, what's the plan, sir?
Do we open fire?
Or would you rather we just attack them,
kill them, throw them
out to the sharks, sir?
Wait till they make landfall
then invite 'em aboard the ship.
And, Izzy, I want you
to handle this personally.
Oh, Edward, can't I just send the boys?
No, I want this done right.
After all, he is a gentleman.
We want to make a good impression.
Stupid fuckin' Stede Bonnet.
Blackbeard, Captain Kidd
The Gentleman Pirate.
What do those names conjure for you?
Well, the first two are, like,
very, very talented pirates.
The badger's knackers.
But I have no idea who
the last bloke is.
Well, the last one is
the scariest of them all.
- Oh yeah? Keep talkin'.
- Yeah, he's a killer.
But instead of killing with weapons,
he kills with kindness.
Oh, right, so you're
the G-Gentleman Pirate, then?
- Well-sussed!
- Yeah.
Polite menace. That'll be my brand.
Every legendary pirate needs one.
- You getting all this?
- Yep. Yes, I am.
Um
as I said before, Captain,
I'm not the strongest writer.
- Hmm.
- Or reader.
Well, there's no words on there at all.
- No, 'cause I've drawn them.
- Right.
Well, you'll have to do
until we find Lucius.
I just hope he's not dead.
That could be bad
- for the general vibe around here.
- Yeah.
Oh, actually, uh,
since we're on the subject of bad vibes,
what is the plan for
the remaining hostage?
- Remaining hostage?
- He's still out there.
- Not lookin' great.
- Oh god, we need a plan.
Mm, 'cause he's kind of
bringin' everyone down,
bit of a pirate pooper.
Dear lord, it smells
like he's been roasting.
The sun did work its wonders.
Well good and savory now, Cap'n.
Some nice crispy bits there.
Yes, well, let's get him some water
and maybe hold a jacket
over his head or something.
Generate some shade.
Ah, that's lovely. Cheers.
Right, well, what should
we do with our hostage?
- Any ideas?
- Ooh!
- I know.
- What, you mean other than kill him?
Oh, everyone does that.
I think a gentleman rises
above those baser instincts.
Black Pete, did you have an idea?
Nah, I was just gonna say kill him.
Oh, uh, cut off all his limbs
and turn his back into a table.
No, let's not. Thank you, though.
Anyone else?
We could ransom him back to the English.
- Ooh, good thinking, Roach.
- Ah.
What ya need is a fence.
I reckon you'll find one
at The Republic of Pirates.
An isle not too far at all,
where the law lies doggo
and plunderers rule.
Well, one can only hope
he's talking to us,
in which case, wow!
Now that sounds like
the place to be, right?
No, it's shit.
It's become quite touristy, I've heard,
and just not as cool
anymore. Right, Jim?
Well, I'll be the judge of that.
It's time for the wider
criminal community
to meet the Gentleman Pirate.
- Oh my god, no.
- Mr. Buttons
set a course for
the Republic of Pirates.
Aye, aye, Cap'n! Hoist the main brace.
We can't go back there.
Spanish Jackie has put a
price on your head, remember?
You mean for the thing with her husband?
The thi Yes, the thing
where you killed him.
Pff. Olu, grow up.
We live in a state of nature.
Besides, she's got, like, 20 husbands.
Well, 19 now.
Jim a fake beard and a wax nose
is not gonna fool Jackie.
- You couldn't even fool Lucius!
- Oh, mm, that's different.
Ese bastardito caught me unawares.
I'll tell no one! I swear!
Cállate, hombrecito.
Maybe, in your next life,
you'll be a little less nosey, huh?
Ow! Jesus.
Can you help me throw this overboard?
I don't think that's a good idea,
us being on the same team and all.
Fine.
Oh god! Oh god! Thank you!
Oh, you made a wise decision today,
and I feel really good about this.
Nope, I can't do this. Get back in.
No, no, no! You can't! You can't!
You don't know what it's like in there!
Have either of you seen
Lucius, there you are.
Oh god, why're you so sweaty?
Um, so we have been exercising together
because we want our
bodies to be smaller.
- Everything's fine.
- Well, I'm not fine.
I've got a journal full
of doodles instead of words.
I'm glad you're making friends,
but tighten up, mate.
Come on. I need your help getting
me dressed for the big day.
All right, it's a bit gentrified,
but it's still the Republic of Pirates.
- I remember when this place was gritty.
- What, 10 years ago?
Please, place got lame.
Is that a gift shop?
Republic of Pirates.
Quite the hellish cesspool.
- Come along.
- Sorry, um,
do these outfits maybe feel like
- an error in judgment, or
- It's a power move.
Make people feel underdressed,
and suddenly you're the one in charge.
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh god, this isn't happening!
Aww, come on! You
couldn't have sidestepped?
Right, too late. Let's go.
Maybe just take the jacket off.
I've never felt so at home.
Man for sale! Man for sale!
Healthy, sturdy, obedient man for sale!
Captain?
- So, we're leaving, right?
- Yeah, and quickly.
Man for sale!
Listen, I think you might
wanna adjust the pitch
because it's quite unclear
what you're selling.
Look, I might be new to pirating,
but I know a thing or two
about salesmanship.
After you.
Check out this
fabulous booty I'm hawkin'!
Whoa.
Bonifacia Jimenez,
wanted for murder.
I told you Jackie was still pissed.
Reward, 50 doubloons?! That's it?
I think you're gettin'
the wrong message, Jim.
But I, I wasted her husband!
That's worth a thousand
doubloons at least!
Shh! Quit shouting!
Man for sale! Someone, buy my booty!
- Man for sale!
- Over here.
Oh, here we go.
One piece of silver's me bid.
So, do I get all three of ye's, er
No, only one of us is for sale.
Mm, so the other two watch, or?
He thinks you're a prostitute.
I'm no prostitute, mate!
Oh.
We could've made magic.
Unbelievable. Do we look
like prostitutes to you?
Well, not terribly successful ones.
Jim, what're you doin'?
Someone's gonna see you.
- So far, so good.
- Jim
Oh, hey, guys! Ooh, this
place looks promising.
Maybe we'll find some buyers in here.
No, no, no, Captain. You d
You don't wanna go in there.
It's a, it's a shithole.
There's a lot of crime,
and, uh, diseases,
and, uh, poorly mixed drinks.
Jim's already gone in.
Jim?! No, no, no, Jim!
Does look a bit scary in there.
I'm gonna need you to hold
it together, and come in.
Well, if it's scary, I'll probably
just head back to the ship
Ah, Lucius, look at this.
Come. Come here.
You have to sketch us in front of this.
It's so authentic.
Look tortured.
Okay, like we rehearsed.
Hear ye, hear ye!
Oh fuck.
Please join me in welcoming
for his regional debut
The Brigand of Barbados
the Cream of the Caribbean
The Gentleman Pirate.
Hi, all. Nice to be here.
I may be landed gentry,
but I'm thrilled to be granted entry.
Well, the drinks are on us.
Oh, come on!
Drinks be on ye now!
Oh god.
Jim, Jim, this is not
keepin' a low profile.
Oluwande Boodhari,
as I live and breathe.
Geraldo.
You have got some
world-class, rock-hard
absolutely titanic balls coming in here.
You know, I actually thought
you'd be dead by now.
I did, too!
Life is funny. Who's your friend?
Um This is Jim. Jim
You don't know Jim
because Jim is a mute.
So, that's my friend.
Naturally, Jackie's gonna want a word.
Yeah, no, naturally.
Um just, uh, just let me know when
Now, man!
Not you!
Hey, Jackie.
- Lads.
- Have a seat.
- Yep.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Right here.
Hey.
Olu, Olu Olu.
Where you been?
You been avoiding me?
What? No, no, I
I actually thought you were
kind of mad at me, if I'm honest.
Why would Jackie be mad?
Well, I kind of recommended
you hire a waitress
who stabbed your
favorite husband up, so.
Oh yeah, that's true, that's true.
Bonifacia Jimenez.
The bitch who stole my life.
The bitch who stole my joy.
But it's not like you had
anything to do with it, right?
Like you helped her set it up?
N-No. C Uh, correct.
I barely even knew the bitch. Ooh.
But you do know where
she is, though, right?
Seems like I remember both
of you guys leavin' town
- at the same time.
- I killed her!
I killed her.
Yeah, I didn't, I didn't
like the way she
handled herself.
I thought it were kind of g-gauche
if I'm honest.
I appreciate that, kid.
It was fuckin' kinda gauche.
You know, Jackie got feelings, too.
Jackie is a person also.
What about your sexy
little friend over there?
You gonna invite him over?
Yeah
I'd love to.
Barkeep!
What?
Uh, please bring us a
round of your finest wine.
We're out of wine.
Well, then what's this all over my boy?
That's blood.
I mean, we serve that.
Do you want blood?
I think we'll go for something stronger.
Bring us a round of
Eww
ugh
Ah, this tasty-looking
stuff. On the double!
It's good, isn't it?
Being amongst proper maniacs.
No amateurs here, Lucius.
Ah.
Mm, it's nutty.
- What do you call this?
- It's juice from the nose jar.
Hmm?
Jackie's been collecting them for years.
You misbehave
you end up in here.
Oh god.
I've a few colleagues in there.
- You again.
- Mr. Hands, welcome.
- It's been a while.
- Yeah
because I hate this fucking place.
But for some inexplicable reason,
my boss would like
a word with you, Bonnet.
Yes, well, everyone wants a
piece of the Gentleman Pirate.
Get in line.
I'm very sorry to have
to tell you this, Iggy.
Izzy.
Whatever, I don't care,
but we're busy at the moment,
fencing our remaining hostage.
AKA, the one you didn't manage to steal.
So, I'll tell my captain that
you're declining then, yeah?
Or tell him he's got
terrible taste in flunkies,
and he can go suck eggs in hell.
Gladly.
- To my dead hubby! Yes!
- Yes.
Alfeo de la Vaca!
One of the best that ever done it.
Mmm.
He was a saint.
I keep a altar to him in the back
with a couple of his mementos.
Jackie, you are needed.
Business calls. Don't go anywhere.
Oh, my god.
I bet she's got my dagger back there.
Okay, look, you've proven your point.
Now, can we just let this go?
Fine.
Jim, what are you doin'?
What are you do
J
I'd maybe give
ya 20 doubloons for the Brit.
Seems a tad low.
We're already expecting another offer.
From who? The prostitute bloke?
Ha, ha! No.
The bidding starts at 50 doubloons.
Take it or shake it.
- 50.
- 51.
- 60.
- 61.
Should we attempt
to lower the temperature, or
No, no. Don't be scared.
This is a bidding war.
Okay, it's
startin' to look like an actual war!
Think it through guys, please!
Alfeo de la Vaca.
The man who killed my family.
We meet again, pendejo.
Now give me back my dagger.
Where is it?
I knew you was a thief.
But I loves me a thief.
C'mon, guys.
- I think we should intervene.
- No, you intervene.
Fine, I'll intervene.
Don't kill one another, you guys!
Ooh
you are one sexy thing.
Relax
You're stiff in all the wrong places.
Oh sorry!
My noses!
Lucius, can you please
help me pick these up?
No, I'm not gonna do that, sorry.
Oh
Fuck is you supposed to be?
- Hi, I'm Stede.
- He's the Gentleman Pirate.
Well, I got bad news
for you, Genital Pirate.
I'm about to start a whole new nose jar.
- Uh, baby
- Don't say that. Don't call me that.
Well, I just figured since
we're married, and
None of my other husbands
have a problem with it.
That's mine.
Do not call me that in here.
Okay, well, Izzy Hands was in here
asking about him for his boss.
Blackbeard?
Muthafuckin' Blackbeard
wanna talk to this guy?
Thank you so much.
Shut up.
You're an idiot and you're banished.
Do not darken my doorstep again.
Lovely.
Well, I'll just, I'll
just squeeze past then.
Thank you so much for having us.
Well, the Gentleman
Pirate bids you all
Ah!
He's not interested in meeting.
What?
I explicitly told him
Blackbeard desired his company.
But does he know who I am?
Seemed to, yeah.
And still, he said no.
You can "go suck eggs in hell"
was his response, I believe.
Fascinating.
I'm starting to think
you're not the only one
who's not cut out for this, Lucius.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Anyone could break a nose jar.
Well, see, this is
what I'm talking about.
You and I, we shouldn't
have this kind of rapport.
Hey there.
Are you the fancy man
sellin' the British bloke?
No! Wait, yes.
- Oh, are you interested?
- Terribly.
- And I'd pay handsomely
- Deal.
- For parts of him.
- Wait, what?
I'll do the disassembly myself.
You're not actually
considering this, are you?
Hmm?
No No.
Kick rocks, freak.
Big boys need to talk.
No, no, no, no, no.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm gonna shoot you straight, man.
When you first came in,
I didn't think you had balls
- at all.
- Yeah.
But when I saw how you
handled yourself with Jackie,
I was like, "Oh man,
he's got balls! For days!"
- Really?
- Yeah.
Balls for days.
Maybe I do.
Listen, I, I got a little bit of, um
a side hustle with an exclusive client,
but he only deals with
refined types, like yourself.
Hmm!
He's gonna love you.
You almost got us
killed! You know that, right?!
And for what? She didn't
even have the dagger!
She did!
on Stede's stupid fucking nose!
I would've had it if you
didn't rush us out of there.
Shh!
Hi, guys. Oh, guy, well,
guy Well, guy and lady
Oh, you are pushing
your luck, hombrecito.
Um, I was just wondering
whether your dagger had,
um, something on the handle,
- a family name, maybe? J
- Jimenez. ¿Qué pasa?
Uh, well Ahh!
- You found it.
- Yeah, yeah.
Well, I guess you could say
I'm a bit of a pickpocket
from back in the day. I don't
like to even talk about it.
- It was not cute
- Now this is a good friend.
Oh, my god.
Okay well, wouldn't that be crazy
if I was suddenly like, into Jim?
Okay. All right, then.
Makin' our approach now, Captain!
Oh.
That doesn't look like a private vessel.
Oh, it's not.
Sorry, I thought I said, uh
we're selling your guy
to the Spanish Navy.
Oh And we're sure they're friendly?
Oh yeah. These guys are the best.
Super chill.
Come on. We'll make this quick.
Let's bring that guy.
He looks tough.
In honor of our hosts,
I've had Roach put together some food.
I made an assortment of tapas.
Tapas means "little plates."
Yeah, I know about tapas.
- They're like catnip to Spaniards.
- Oh, exactly.
Besides, a gentleman never
arrives empty-handed.
Lucius, once I climb aboard,
I want you to start sketching.
The world's about to witness
the Gentleman Pirate's
first business transaction.
Oh! Now this is a ladder.
Loving your ladder setup,
by the way. Very stable.
El Gentleman Pirata?
I am he.
Oh I think there's been a mistake.
Did y Did you mean to do that?
Filthy scum.
Hold on! Bring that one back.
Almost forgot.
Jackie wanted this for the new jar.
No. Oh!
Oh, my god! His nose!
Oh god, no!
Jim's a woman?!
- Did you know that?
- How would I know that?!
Oh, thank god it's out.
I'm so bad at keeping secrets.
And she can talk?
I'm actually super into
that, so thanks.
Jackie made you straight away.
She just wanted to watch
you sweat a little bit.
All she had to do
was set a low bounty
sit back, and wait for you to return.
Adios, Bonifacia.
You can't fool her.
She's Jackie the love of my life.
And she's got the biggest
balls of them all.
I'm sorry, guys.
- Any last words?
- Yeah
You are the worst fuckin'
pirate captain in history.
I deserve that.
Okay, so, uh, eh are you done?
Is that it? Were those
your last words?
Help me!
The Gentlemen Pirate, I presume.
You've heard of me?
Oh yeah, I've heard of you.
I've heard all about you.