Piglets (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

It's so obvious he wants
to get back with me.
You can tell by the
fact he doesn't say it.
I mean, he's just confused.
I'm doing what any
normal person would do
by giving him another chance.
I mean, what woman in the
world wouldn't get a job
where the person
who loves her works
just so she can make sure
he saw her face every day?
Answer me that.
Again, if you could
just follow the road
until I or the road signs
tell you differently. Fine.
Can we drive past his house
so we can make sure
he's home and alone? No.
I'm paying for these lessons,
so we are doing a drive-by.
For God's sake.
How's my hair look?
Oh, it's a magnificent sight.
So many fond memories of
being issued my first uniform.
And as I slipped the
custodian's helmet
over my once luxuriant locks,
I I felt like a
a newly crowned king.
I can just see you back then,
proudly displaying your
helmet for all to see. Yeah.
Halcyon days. Tit-head.
Beg pardon? The helmet.
It's what my dad
used to call them.
Well, he sounds like an
utter twat. No offence.
Hmm.
I don't think I've ever,
ever been this happy.
I mean, you must feel
the power now, right?
Just a uniform. How
can you say that?
Cos it's true. AFIA SIGHS
It's no different to the dinner
lady's tabard I used to wear.
No-one's gonna be scared
of a dinner lady, Geeta.
AFIA CHUCKLES
DOOR SHUTS
Put the gun down and step away
from the vehicle, you little bitch!
Yeah!
LEGGO: Wow-ee!
STEPH: Oh, my God.
I look like a prick. No, you
actually look quite cool.
I think I'm gonna wear
mine to bed. DEV: Oi, oi.
MUTED LAUGHTER Hey.
What have you done? What?
You know. Oh, yes. OK.
Yeah, I took my
measurements in a bit,
but I thought that's
what everyone did.
Plus, I want it to look
a bit more cinched.
There's cinched and
then there's crunched.
Oh, I can actually see the
outline of your, you know.
Baloney pony.
Yeah, see, what I
would've done, Dev,
is I would've got
my baloney pony,
pulled it up from the base,
obviously, folded it so it's flat,
like a paper aeroplane pre-flight,
tucked it underneath the waistband,
and, voila, that
is Bob, your uncle.
Dev, if you actually do
keep wearing those trousers,
you will never be
able to have kids.
Lucky bastard.
Yeah, you're waddling,
Dev, like a duck.
AFIA LAUGHS
You know, if you bend over,
all of us are gonna get to
see your little starfish.
That's right, yeah? Everyone
pick on the virgin
LAUGHTER FADES
is what you'd be doing if
there were one of those here. Hm.
Wow. What?
Oh, it's just you said
we was picking on you
because you's a virgin.
Yeah, you don't exactly give
off virgin-y vibes, Dev. No.
You talk about sex all the time.
What I meant was, it's
kind of a grey area.
It shouldn't be grey, Dev. No,
no, no. It's the right colour.
Well, whatever colour it is,
it's none of our business, is it?
Yep. LEGGO: Right.
To be honest, yeah,
I just don't know
if I have actually properly
done it or not. Mm.
The jury's out
in one of the strangest
courtroom battles in legal history.
So, this is how we strip
you of your individuality,
how we homogenise,
emulsifying the fat droplets
so the cream doesn't
separate from the milk.
So that nobody stands
out from the
Christ on a bike.
Sorry, Ma'am.
Er, there was a mistake with
the measurements I made.
Who'd you measure, Kylie
Minogue? GASPING LAUGH
No, Ma'am. I measured me.
Right.
Now, then, I'm sure
one or two of you -
not you, Hanzel, obviously -
but I'm sure one or two of
you is thinking, "Ooh"
"might wanna take
this bad boy home.
"Try it out a bit."
Hmm? "Settle into it."
And do you know what? That's
not against the rules. Oh!
Maybe your friend's having
a fancy-dress party.
Yes! Helen! Lend it
to your friend Helen.
She's about your size.
No, my friend Helen's
actually taller than me.
Helen thinks, "Oh,
this is great!"
Starts bossing people
around a bit for a giggle.
Everybody's into it. My
Helen's quite introverted.
I think this is a
different Helen.
And then this Helen Oh!
notices that the
wine is running low,
so she pops to the offie.
But, oh, no! There's a holdup.
And when the guy
with the balaclava
and the machete sees
Helen, he panics.
Because Helen hasn't been trained,
she doesn't know what to do.
So the guy hacks
Helen's arm clean off.
Helen reels back, her blood
gushing over the Wotsits,
the Quavers, and the
pickled onion Monster Munch.
Before the paramedics
can get there
Helen has bled out
all over the uniform her
mate lent her for a laugh.
She's dead. Oh.
And there's nothing
you can do about it.
So, what do we think about that?
That's made me feel quite peckish.
I could murder some Wotsits.
TEARFULLY: Oh, Helen.
You were so young.
HE SOBS What have I done?!
Chief Superintendent Bob
Weekes, Head of Training.
Yes. Chief Superintendent
Bob Weekes speaking.
PHONE RINGS
Right.
So
I had the massive weight
problem, yeah? And so did she.
And so when we tried to do it,
it was hard to tell which bit
was in and which bit was out.
Like, I-I-I didn't know if
I was in the right crease.
And so it's possible that
I might still be a virgin.
And I'd appreciate it if you got all
the way off my back about it, right?
It's all cool. Look
I didn't pop my
cherry until I was 21.
And that was a disaster.
All right, yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, cool.
Good man.
Does anyone want a
cocky - er, coffee?
No, I'm good. No. No, thanks.
21?
15. With a supply teacher.
Oh, my God. Were you
actually being nice?
Yeah, cos I was doing her a
favour. Proper munter, she was.
And he's back. Yeah.
Cocky?
Right!
Yeah, you almost look
like police officers,
which means
Jesus Christ, what
have you come as?
Er, don't know, Sergeant.
The whole point of a uniform
is that we're the same. OK?
We're not individuals any more.
All right. So, what are we?
Not individuals any
more. Well, yeah.
Which means we're
what? A battalion.
No. Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.
When we're all on the
same side, what are we?
Friends. More than that.
Lovers. Hmm.
We're all going to
work together as a
socialist
collective. All right!
Shut it! What is
there no "I" in?
Cabbage! What?
Mouse. Table lamp. Mercedes.
Sperm? Jesus!
What are Arsenal?!
The Gunners. Are
we Gunners now?
They're a team. They're a team.
There's no "I"
in team. ALL: Oh!
There's no "I" in
team! HE LAUGHS
Argh! What did I do to
deserve this fucking team, eh?
One tiny little
indiscretion on the streets.
No-one died.
OK, so, technically someone did.
HE WHINGES Shit happens,
yeah? Get a life!
Wankers!
Who's that? Well, that's Mike.
Yes, thank you, Paul.
Who's he talking to?
Oh, that's Steph. She's
Steph A and you're Steph B.
Wow, another Steph? Mm.
Wait, hang on. Why is she
Steph A? I should be Steph A.
You know, she's she's
a little bit more
A little bit more
what? More hotter.
And a bit more brighter.
And a bit floatier.
No. No, no, no. I'm
not having that.
Actually, who Sorry,
who decided that?
Nature. I should be Steph A.
Just can you just change us?
She's already Steph A on
Insta. Look. Bullshit.
No, I'm Steph A and she's
Steph B. Just switch it.
I don't think you can self-identify
another person on their behalf.
And logistically, it
would require emails,
face-to-faces,
forms being signed.
I want to be Steph A,
and I will literally,
physically be sick
if I have to be Steph B.
That was very Steph B of you.
WEEKES SNIFFS, COUGHS
So, leg, shoulders, and
then body weight, yeah?
Now, this hold only hurts the
assailant if they move, yeah?
Why don't you try moving,
Dev? I don't want to.
Well, just just wiggle a
bit. I don't wanna get hurt.
Plus, this uniform's way
too tight to wiggle in.
I'll do it. I'll wiggle.
Yeah, course you will.
Er, nah. Nah, nah, nah, I
think everyone gets the idea.
Yeah, I think everyone
gets the idea.
I don't get the idea. Right.
PAUL: I'm not
100%. AFIA: Same.
I'm actually I'm
OK with the wiggling.
Some Stephs might not
be, but I am. MIKE SIGHS
OK, so, get down.
This is how I ended
up with four kids.
Now, once you have the
assailant on the ground,
you position your leg
between their leg, yeah?
And then you engage
the shoulder lock,
and you use your body weight
to pin them to the floor. Yeah?
Do you want me to wiggle?
Er yeah.
Oh. All right, so
as you can see, I'm
able to keep her still
and keep us both safe
from any injuries, yeah?
Well, she's not exactly
fighting back, is she?
Yeah, well, if she does
try and thrash about,
it'll hurt her more
than it hurts me, yeah?
She is unable to Oh!
APPLAUSE
You taught me that
on our first date.
CHEERING PAUL: Bravo.
So obviously, don't
clap the criminal, please.
Psst! Oh.
You're never gonna guess what.
I found Superintendent
Spry's diary. Look.
"Monday, dump Tiny Tits Leslie."
"Tuesday, file report
on moronic recruit."
I mean, it's probably
Dev, bless him.
Is this relevant, Paul? Wait.
"Six thirty, Wednesday,
Wendy wax." Well, who's she?
A wendy's not a who, it's
a what. Well, what is it?
Put it this way - I've
got one, you haven't.
Oh!
So, is it an air fryer?
Ow! Where's the
flash drive, Paul?
I couldn't find it.
You failed? No, no.
I mean, just call
it a practice run.
Look, Daz walked in,
I had to put the
diary down my pants,
and he thought I was wanking.
Go do it for real.
What, the wanking? No!
Put the diary back before
she sees it's missing.
And go find the bloody
flash drive. OK.
Just go.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Well, you're doing something.
W-Well, I'm in love with you,
so I was leaving you a card.
Where's So, where
where's the card?
In my mind. I beg your pardon?
D-Dear Bob, when I
when I say that I love you,
I mean it from the heart.
A-And, you know, I want you, Bob.
I want I want every inch of you.
I want every, you know,
nook and cranny and Yeah.
Let me just stop you there.
Erm, I'm I'm I'm touched
that you feel like this.
And in many ways,
I'm surprised something
similar hasn't happened before.
However, I'm not a
fool, er, you know.
And all the business with
the card in the head,
it it smelt a bit fishy.
So, I'd like to know
what's really going on.
HE CLICKS TONGUE
TikTok office dance trend.
Er, yeah, so
Yes? Yeah, so, if
you just wanna
Oh. There's a
Oh!
Oh!
Hey, Aunty Nooch, I got
it! I got the flash drive.
Well done, Paulie.
You thought I was gonna
mess up again, didn't you?
But look at me now.
Where's the brown sauce?
What was that? Erm, chips.
What do you mean,
chips? What do I mean?
Couple of his chips were underdone.
Popped 'em back in the fryer.
Yeah, they were actually
They were pretty raw, actually.
You're pretty raw, Huggins.
Shall I pop you in the fryer?
GASPING LAUGH No,
pl-please not, Ma'am.
Bring me some brown
sauce, will you?
And I don't mean a little
handful of them plastic condoms.
I want a jeroboam.
I shall be sat over
there by myself,
either due to a healthy
respect for hierarchy
or simply because
people don't like me.
Don't really care which.
Wow. That was close.
Ow!
PAUL SCREAMS
Only joking.
PAUL GASPS Fuck.
Julie, just, er just
have a just have a word.
Ju-Julie, if you, er What?
Just want some
Have you been pruning?
I don't think I want to share my
personal grooming habits with you,
thank you very much.
No, no. Not Not
No. HE STAMMERS
No, I mean, hunting down
the prune. Oh, right.
Our elusive infiltrator.
Well, I'm not gonna share that
information with you either, am I?
Given that a honking great
promotion might depend on it.
Anyway, I'm sure you are hot
on the trail, aren't you?
Well, yes, yes, yes.
I am like a Native American
tracker keeping my nose peeled.
And I've just got to do personal
hygiene first with group B.
Safety. Beg pard?
Personal safety. Yeah.
What What did I say?
Hygiene. Oh, well, yeah.
It's-It's all connected, isn't
it? Better safe than smelly.
Right, then.
Personal safety role play.
It's late at night,
and there's Ooh!
aggro out on
the streets. Oh.
Ha. So, how do we keep safe?
Stay at home? No.
Well, yes, yes, but
no, no. Comm-uni-Cate.
You know, establish a connection
in order to stay safe.
Now, Mr Legland, I
want you to pretend
to be a troublesome teenager.
Shouldn't be hard.
Notice I've chosen
a young, white male,
because it would be wrong to assume
that a troublemaker would be
HE STAMMERS We'd We'd
be racial profiling.
But I wanna do the
acting. Well, you can't.
Now, the rest of you, come on,
let's defuse the situation.
Erm, name? Jackson.
Jackson. Up you
get, Jackson. Yep.
Now, establishing a first name is
a good way of building a rapport.
And action.
Erm, hello. What's your name?
AS TEENAGER: Maurice.
OK. Hello, Maurice.
What you up to, mate?
Not gonna tell the filth
that, am I? HE SPITS
No, I'm not gonna put up
with that kind of behaviour.
So, you can just pack your
bag and No, no, no.
Oh, it's you. It's him.
HE STAMMERS There you are.
Come, back you
come. Let's, er
You can You can just
pack it in and carry on.
So, Chabra, erm, assist Jackson.
And action.
Does your mum know
where you are, Maurice?
My mum is dead. Oh, my
God. I'm so sorry, man.
It's all right.
I got a step-mum.
Would she approve of you
insulting police officers?
Yeah, probably. She's doing
a 25 stretch for murder.
Oh, what's her name? Fanny.
Fanny. Yeah, no, I think I know
her. STEPH: She's not real, Paul.
What? Leggo made her up.
And because he's such a
child, he used a rude name.
Child, am I? At
least I'm not basic.
What's that supposed
to mean? Nothing.
No, no, no, no. Go on.
That's right, engage
the troublemaker.
Basic. And I wouldn't expect my
ex-boyfriend to fall at my feet
just cos I'm flouncing around
his place of work every day.
Well, no-one's gonna
fall at your feet.
Yeah, well, difference is,
I don't expect them to.
His accent's slipping. I
should've done the acting.
Have you got a problem with me?
You're the one with the problem.
I'm just trying to help.
How are you helping?
I'm worried basic will
turn to desperate.
I'm not desperate.
Well, it kind of sounded
a little bit desperate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful
with that wand, Hermione.
CLAMOURING
Brutality! Brutality!
Sit down! Sit, you!
Brutality! Come on, sit, you!
Brutal. Sit! Oh.
You must never,
ever ALL GASP
strike the suspect!
Come on, we don't want
a public inquiry, do we?
You, hold that, hold that.
Right. That was some
brilliant acting, you guys.
Youse like thems Meryl Streeps.
SHE SIGHS Pathetic little twat.
Just cos I might be a virgin?
No, not you. Leggo. Calling
me things I just am not.
Well, to be fair,
Leggo was cool today.
You know, he made me feel OK
about the whole grey-area thing.
Yeah, he did do that.
But, you know, I could also
do that much better than him.
Could you? Yes.
OK.
SHE STAMMERS All right, mate.
Just calm down. Don't worry.
Not everyone thinks you're a
weirdo or a sad little loser.
I didn't think they did. Good.
That's good, then. How
about undo a few buttons?
No, you look fine.
Not mine, yours.
Oh, yeah.
Even prime beef looks shit
when it's vacuum-packed.
Oi, Dev, is your blood flow all
right in them kiddies' clothes?
No, he's fine.
I was actually just saying what
an amazing body that Dev's got.
I mean, look at those guns.
And, Dev, oh, my God, yes, I will
go for that drink with you later.
Wow, sweet. What drink was that?
SHE CHUCKLES Shut up.
We'll go for that quick drink, and
then we'll head back to my place
to see if your blood flow is
reaching all the right places.
Is that the plan, is it?
Is what it is.
That's the last of them,
Sir. Thank you. Ah.
Flush out that arsehole
before Julie does,
and I reckon the top
job is in the bag.
Any Any gut feeling?
Do you know what? I feel like Simon
Cowell putting together a boy band.
Mm! Or a girl
band. No bias here.
No. So, what I've done,
I've put on the left
here all of the recruits
that, er, strike me as
innocent, and on the right,
all those I instinctively feel
might might be a little bit iffy.
Mm.
SHE GRUNTS Bob!
What is it? SHE STAMMERS
Well, look, look! Oh, my!
Oh, fuck, fuck! Oh, my bum-bum!
HE STAMMERS How did
this happen, Melanie?
I don't know. I don't
know. Was it? The wind.
The wind. The wind.
The wind blew
Not the wind. People. People.
Somebody behind my back
Why do people do
this? MELANIE GROANS
Why do they? Er, Sir.
Gym requisition order,
could you sign it? No.
What? No. It isn't.
Isn't what? Well, th-th-there
we are. Well done.
Well, so, could you
sign it, then? What?
Now? Well, yeah.
Good. Yeah.
Y-Yeah, yes. OK. That there.
And that there. Just
There you go. OK.
There. Whoa. Right.
Er, what's all this?
Mm? Th-This? HE EXHALES
This, this Oh,
this? This! This.
They They
They're They
These on the right,
they're our, erm
they're the recruits.
They're the ones
that I consider to
HE INHALES to be
To be the cleverest.
the cleverest!
What, Dev Hanzel?
Brilliant mind.
MELANIE SCOFFS Abs
quite brilliant.
Well, it goes to show it's often
the ones you least suspect. Yeah?
Yeah. See you in a bit.
WEEKES MUTTERS
STEPH LAUGHS
Oh, so, are we gonna do
your plan, then? The sex?
Oh, God, no. Oh,
right, of course.
Sorry, I thought it was obvious
that was all just a ploy.
To get me to have sex?
To get Mike to have sex.
With me? With me.
Oh, right. Gotcha. Yeah.
That's a bit of a relief.
What?
I just felt a bit
uneasy about that.
You didn't want to?
Nah, not really.
Why Why didn't you want to?
I just I just don't
wanna have sex with you. OK.
Can you not keep saying that?
Because people can hear you. Sorry.
Why don't you want to?
I-I'm not sure. It's
not your fault. It's me.
Fucking hell! Now
you sound like Mike.
Look, it's just when
you were talking
about the blood
flowing t-to my places,
I-I just felt a bit sick.
The thought of having sex
with me made you feel sick?
Don't feel bad. How
fucking dare you?
Look, I'm sorry. I won't
be having sex with you.
You will be having sex with me, and
you will bloody well enjoy it. OK?
Oh, OK.
Drink up. Oh, right.
Mm.
Not looking, but whatever
it is I'm not looking at
needs to be gone by
tomorrow morning.
You'll never get out
of here, Legland!
GASPING LAUGH
HEAVY BREATHING Whoo!
OK. Yeah.
And that, sir, is
how the sex is done.
It's probably gonna be downhill
for you now after me. Right.
Not sure I had done all
that, to be fair. Yeah.
It was really, really Yeah.
Really what?
Yeah, no, I just It
was just a bit thrashy.
Uncoordinated. A bit messy.
Sorry, how are you
giving me critique
when you were a 24-year-old
virgin ten minutes ago?
No, no, I'm not dissing
you. I just thought
You know, I'm sure
you did just fine.
I was more than fine. I'm
very, very good at it.
Yes, of course. I
mean, what do I know?
I haven't got anyone else to
compare it to, have I? Exactly.
The thing is, I just
thought it would be
Night, then.
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