Resident Alien (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Previously, on "Resident Alien"
Stranded on an alien planet.
In order to survive and
complete my mission,
I would have to somehow fit
in with the human life forms.
Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle?
We had a murder in town last night.
We need you to come down
and take a look at the body.
- What the mother hell?
- You're not dead.
Asta's the nurse.
It's the new doctor.
- He's an alien.
- Wait, an alien?
What the hell are you
teaching this kid, huh?
One mistake.
Just one mistake made out
of necessity for survival.
I had no choice
but to kill the human known
as Harry Vanderspeigle.
I was just defending myself.
How was I supposed to know
when I threw him on top of the ice
he would disappear into the lake?
I am an alien.
I don't know every little
detail about how Earth works.
Everything will be fine.
I just need to find that body
before someone else does.
Sleep,
another example of humans
being weak and inefficient.
Their bodies must shut down
for eight hours every single day,
or they don't work properly.
Please be 6:00 a. m.
Please be 6:00 a. m.
So much to do.
I have to find that body in the lake,
find my device,
the pieces of my ship that
broke off over the mountains,
I have to kill that kid
Mm, almost forgot about that.
Exterminate the human race.
Milk, gotta get milk.
Don't forget the milk.
Maybe some cereal.
If I can't sleep,
I can at least learn
to be a better doctor.
Circumcision.
What is that, eye surgery? Click.
They are a savage people.
Refreshed.
Plenty of energy to climb a mountain.
Did you hear that Chinese restaurant
next to the theater is shutting down?
No way.
I love that place.
Yeah, Mrs. Lee accused
her husband of cheating.
- I guess they're splitting up.
- What?
They're such a great couple.
It's probably a misunderstanding.
I'll talk to her.
I hear someone wants to turn
it into a gourmet pizza joint.
On the other hand,
he was handsy with the ladies, so.
She's gotta do what she's gotta do.
Right. You throw high, I'll throw low?
- Spinner's on.
- Spinner's on.
- Safety off.
- Safety off.
Three, two, one, pull.
Nice hook shot.
Ball is life.
Yeah, say that again.
- Ball is life.
- No, don't
- Don't say it twi
- Ball is life.
You always do that.
This is the third piece of
my ship that I've found.
My device has to be nearby.
I'm not alone up here.
This is bad.
I just felt my rear iris pucker
and my testicles tighten.
My taint remains unchanged.
That avalanche covering my search area
has set me back at least a week.
These humans think they can
constantly thwart my plans.
Well, no more.
This is some bullshit!
Hi, I'm Kate Hawthorne.
My husband is Ben, the mayor.
I met him. He smells like soap.
Yeah, that's him.
My son ran out of your
office a few days ago.
Can I come in? Please?
- Yes, just one minute.
- Oh, o
I need to talk to you about something.
Hmm?
My son Max told me you're an alien.
What's that then?
He also told me that you
broke into his bedroom
and tried to kill him.
That's interesting.
What is wrong with him?
Why is he making things up?
- You think he's lying.
- Of course he's lying.
You're obviously not an alien.
I'm so embarrassed that
he ran out of the clinic.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I normally talk to Sam
about this stuff, but he's
- Well, you know.
- He's dead.
- Yeah.
- Well, you don't have
anything to worry about.
I'm not an alien.
Unfortunately. I hear
they're pretty cool.
Thank you for coming over.
It's just I can't get
my son off of this.
And it's not just the stories, he's
He's drawn pictures.
Lots and lots of pictures. Look at them.
They're disturbing.
And that alien? I mean
He even convinced
the deputy to draw this.
Look at this, it's disgusting.
Makes me want to
throw up just looking at it.
Some people think humans are ugly.
I just don't know what to do.
Max won't sleep, he won't eat,
and, frankly, he is driving me crazy.
You're a doctor.
Is there anything that we can do?
Move.
- What?
- Far away from here.
A new school, a new life.
If Max knows that he is never
setting a foot in Colorado
or the Western United States again,
I think that he will be a happy kid.
Uh, we have jobs.
My husband is the mayor.
Scotland needs mayors.
I read it in a book.
We're not moving.
Ah, of course!
Not.
- Um.
- Uh
He's probably just
looking for attention.
Yeah.
I guess that makes sense.
I try and steer clear
of Max during the day.
Having a mom who works at
school isn't the easiest thing.
Neglect. It's your fault.
And with that, you can go.
Uh
yeah, well, I
guess I'll just try
spending more time with him.
Gotta be honest,
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Max doesn't drop the alien thing,
- I'm gonna kill him.
- You and me both.
Thank you so much for everything
Oh, oh.
'Kay.
Good morning, dickhead.
Can't call me that.
That's a nasty word.
Oh, I'm sorry, shit-for-brains.
You're inappropriate
and you stole my flyers.
Do you wanna put them back up?
Go ahead.
No one believes you, anyway,
not even your parents.
Tell people I am an alien.
Climb to the highest tower in town
and shout it to everyone.
We don't have towers, you dumb alien.
No, I
I know that, it was a figure of speech.
No, it wasn't.
Oh, my God,
you actually thought we had towers.
I did not!
You're so stupid.
"Hi, I'm an alien and
I think it's castle times
and there are towers."
I was testing to see if you
thought there were towers,
and you're lucky you passed.
- Well, I'm gonna go to school now.
- Wait.
I hope a tower doesn't fall on me
because we live in make-believe times.
You're the one who
thinks there's towers!
Dickhead.
Assho
Asshole.
Hey, Ass-ta.
It's Ah-sta, Ellen. You knew that.
Sorry. Must be the Canadian in me.
Well, on this side of the imaginary
border, it's Ah-sta.
Pasta, drama, Ah-sta.
What else can I do for you?
Ah-sta, Dr. V needs
some prescription pads,
but I can't find any.
- Well, where have you looked?
- I haven't looked yet.
Can you get them?
Whoa, what are you doing?
- I want that so badly.
- Excuse me?
Sleep.
I can't sleep at night.
I'm trying to learn how.
Okay, well, please stop. It's creepy.
Get up.
Jay, Jay, wake up.
Please wake up.
Have you seen one of Sam's
prescription pads laying around?
There's one missing.
I don't know if he took it home, I
He always used to keep them here.
That's why you woke me up?
Well, have you seen it or not?
Not.
I just work here for school credit.
I barely know where the
tongue depressors are.
I thought sleep was supposed
to make you feel better.
Cut her some slack.
She was probably up all night
reeling like the rest of us.
You didn't even know Sam.
Why can't you sleep?
There's a dead me floating in the lake.
I can't find the on/off
switch in my brain.
Do you ever meditate?
By meditate, do you mean sit peacefully
and think of all the
people I want to kill?
Yes. I like it very much.
Good.
Uh, Dr. Vanderspeigle,
we need you down at the town hall.
What's going on?
There's another dead body.
This time in the lake.
Okay.
All right, all right,
now there's a lot of
misinformation out there, okay?
Everybody just needs to calm down.
And somebody need to
open up a damn window
'cause it smell like a
sweaty REI store up in here.
What?
- I hear they found a body?
- No, just a foot.
Jack Rooney found it fishing the lake.
Which lake? My lake?
Not your lake.
Belongs to the state of Colorado.
Oh, are you trying to impress me?
By making me think you own a lake?
No, I'm not doing that.
Can maybe you be
just a little less needy
and a little bit more sensitive?
Because somebody's died, so.
Come on, can we see the foot?
What's going on?
Who does the foot belong to?
Yes, and can we touch it?
Were they murdered?
- Okay, folks, folks, folks.
- What size is it?
This is an ongoing investigation
and all that we have now is
is is a dead foot.
That foot belongs to the guy I killed.
For all we know,
you know, it's just, uh,
some hiker who got his
foot ripped off by a bear.
There's a killer bear on the loose?
I know it. It's my own fault.
I should've spent more
time searching the lake
and less time watching
"Law & Order" marathons.
All right!
I want everybody to shut up!
I want it so quiet in here,
you can hear a mouse piss on cotton,
you understand me?
No.
- Now
- Okay.
As you all know,
we recently lost one of our own,
Sam Hodges,
who was murdered.
Now, finding this here foot in there?
This is a good thing,
'cause it means that we don't
have a murderer in our town.
We we don't?
We got ourselves a serial killer, y'all.
How the hell is that a good thing?
Serial killers don't run away and hide.
They lie in wait to strike again,
so they're easier to catch.
Hell, if I was a serial killer,
I'd be in this room right now
looking for my next victim.
All right. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, don't worry!
We're gonna send the foot
to Denver for DNA testing.
Once we find out who it is,
we gon' catch this killer.
I can't let them get that DNA.
They'll know I'm dead lake man.
Doctor, do you have anything that
Uh
Uh
I am so scared!
Real nice, Doc. Real smooth,
real smooth.
Fear is real. I have all the signs.
Sweaty palms
Elevated heartbeat
Nice hat, freak.
Now that I'm in this body,
I'm feeling human emotions.
Sorry.
Poor guy.
My guess is a boat propeller
probably hit the dead body
and just chopped the foot right off.
Mm.
White male.
I'm thinking late 40s,
180 pounds, over six feet tall.
That's a size twelve shoe.
Heck, if you didn't have two feet,
I'd think this thing was yours.
You are a funny, hilarious person.
Anyway, the medical
examiner will let us know
if we get a hit on the DNA.
No, I know there's a
chance that there won't be,
but with so many people in
the database these days,
all those ancestry testing kits.
Even I did one.
Uh, I found out that, um,
my real father is actually
my dad's best friend, Bill,
so I told my dad and
he and my mom broke up
and then he left town
and he moved to Ohio, so
I don't recommend those tests.
Anyway, soon the only people
who won't be in the database
are hermits and babies.
Definitely my foot.
It's amazing how my people
have developed the ability
to mimic other life forms
on the cellular level.
We are an incredible
And I forgot to close the door.
When you're doing
being next-level weird,
we have the Briscoes in the exam room.
Oh, there's my sock.
It's here.
Where's my goddamn foot?
You stole my five dead little piggies,
not to mention Liv's favorite bucket.
She puts her soda pop in there.
I can help. I am a pathologist.
You don't need to send
the whole foot to Denver.
Well, then pathologize the damn thing
and get me a DNA sample.
We got some Ted Bundy
shit going on around here,
and I need to put a stop to
it before he strikes again.
Or she.
The killer could be a woman.
That's sexist. You're sexist.
Let me tell you something.
When I say he, I mean he or she.
You know, between you and me,
what is this PC bullshit anyway now
where you gotta say "he/she" for "he"
when "he" already mean "he/she,"
you know what I mean?
I just think it'll be more respectful
if you think of the killer as a woman.
Okay.
Well, let me tell you what I
think would be respectful
Is if you got me a
skin sample off this foot
before I start needing dick pills.
Now, I'ma be in
the waiting room waiting.
Hmm.
No one knows
where great ideas come from,
but you always remember where
you were when they came.
There.
And in this case,
my great idea came the moment
I entered the exam room and realized
I was going to cut the
foreskin off this baby's dick
and hand it to the sheriff.
- How long has he been sick?
- Just two days.
He doesn't have a fever.
- That's a relief.
- Mm.
His chest is clear. Is he circumcised?
- What?
- What?
Right, how dumb of me to ask.
I'm right here. I can just check myself.
Let's see what you're
packin' down there, champ.
Harry Dr. Vanderspeigle,
you don't need to do that.
He's not circumcised. Not yet, anyway.
We were thinking about it
but hadn't made a decision.
And you don't need to
make a decision right now.
The sooner the better.
Removing the foreskin reduces the risk
of urinary tract infection.
- Also STDs.
- STDs?
Do you want your baby getting gonorrhea?
Is that a real question?
No, it's not.
You should consider it.
It's a very simple procedure.
All I do is surgically remove the skin
which covers the tip
of your baby's prick.
Here you go.
I'm keeping the foot so
it can be stored properly.
Fine by me.
Thing made my whole office
smell like bad sushi.
I gotta get this back to Liv.
You know ladies love they buckets.
Before you say that's sexist,
that's just a fact.
- Hey, Maxie.
- Mom, what are you doing?
I can't be seen hanging
out with my mother.
Don't be silly. Hey.
Teachers get lunch breaks, too.
Just wanted to stop by
and see how you're doing.
Please go!
I'll literally pay you.
That's the money I
gave you this morning.
Money is money.
Okay, just hey.
I just wanted to tell
you that I love you.
Okay.
- Can I just get a hug?
- No!
Okay, great. Okay, bye.
- Love you.
- Hey.
Dude, that's the kid
with the alien poster.
What, Space Boy?
He's the one with the alien posters?
You wanna make fun of me too?
No.
Because I believe you.
Stress, fear.
No wonder humans can't sleep at night.
Imagine what that water
would do to your balls?
At least I don't have
to worry about the kid
or the foot anymore.
What's going on here?
Why are you on my beach?
It's official police business, Doc.
Rest of that body's got
to be out there somewhere,
and I plan on finding it.
You work too hard.
You should take some time off.
Doctor's orders.
I am a little concerned about
the overall scale of this operation.
You know, we don't have the
budget to drag this whole lake.
You got it in your budget to live
in a town littered with dead bodies?
Not really how budgets work.
And this whole thing
It's just too expensive.
I mean, the town is definitely
not paying for snacks, okay?
Those are Cletus's dog treats.
Hey, don't be spittin' that out!
That's real bison meat.
What the hell's wrong with you?
Dang it! God,
it's like a gamey peanut.
Listen, everyone here needs
to get their head in the game.
We're searching this entire lake.
We ain't gon' stop
till we find that body.
Yes, nurse.
I have very bad ass rash
for you to examine, please.
Okay?
Oh, my God, you scared me.
Come on, let's go.
You've been so mopey lately.
You do know my friend Sam died.
Yes, I know.
I know, I know, and I'm
very sorry and it sucks,
but maybe to get your mind off of it,
you come out with me.
You taking me to feed
baby squirrels again?
This is even better.
They find that body,
I'm gonna legit shit myself.
When you said "have some fun,"
I thought you meant
dinner or maybe a movie.
Come on, we got a live show here.
The finale, fingers crossed,
is a bloated, dead corpse.
So this is our night?
A floater watch party?
This town, I'll take what I can get.
Besides, I was dating this guy,
and he sort of ghosted me.
Oof.
I mean, he stopped calling entirely
and I'm kind of hoping that's
him out there, you know?
Get some closure.
Also, you know what I heard?
JT is having a party later.
JT.
I haven't thought about him in forever.
I can't believe he's still around.
Well, I mean, everybody's still around.
Nobody gets out of here.
We did.
I'll give us that.
We both got out and chased our dreams.
- Damn right.
- Yeah.
And reality chased us right back.
Yeah.
Yeah, starting to envy
that body in the lake.
Deputy, why is your boat
headed to shore?
The mayor has to be brought back in.
He has an appointment.
Is there somebody
throwing up on that boat?
Uh, hi, Sheriff.
This is the mayor speaking.
I just have a pre-existing appoi
- Are you seasick?
- Uh
We don't halt justice
just 'cause your tummy's a little upset.
If you gotta piss, puke, or shit,
you do it over the side of the boat.
In the meantime, we stick to the plan.
You do the east lake grid;
I do the west lake grid.
- Over.
- Aye-aye, Sheriff.
Perhaps if you drank some water?
All I taste is bison.
I don't like this feeling.
Even this dog is making me nervous.
I remember when I didn't
know the meaning of fear.
After my ship crashed,
-
- I was on my own for two weeks.
An alien on an alien planet,
danger everywhere.
None of it concerned me.
Not knowing fear allowed me
to make bold fashion choices.
I don't think they're gonna find a body.
Come on, stay positive.
I think that's Harry's cabin over there.
Fancy.
I wonder what half of it will
be worth when we split up.
Mm.
I remember who Harry reminds me of.
- Who?
- Danny Oliver.
- My God, he took you to prom.
- Yes, he did, right?
- Yes, he did.
- Oh, God.
You remember him dancing to
"Got Your Money"?
Hey, Dirty!
Baby, I got your money,
don't you worry
- Uh!
- You better give me that money!
- Oh, my damn.
- Right now!
Baby, I got your money
Don't you worry
Said hey
Baby, I got your money
Hey, said hey
Baby, I got your money,
don't you worry
Sheriff, maybe I should go
in and check the shoreline?
Based on the current,
it is highly probable
the body has already washed up.
I know what's going on.
The mayor's still sick.
You stay on mission, Deputy.
We got a body to find.
This guy's not going to give up.
I can't panic. I just need a plan.
If they find the body,
I'll say it's my twin brother,
Frederico.
Playboy, drinker, bad swimmer.
Whoa. Down, boy.
Down, boy.
Down! This is my body.
This is my body.
No, let go!
Harry?
Are you home?
- Ooh.
- Yes, I'm home
just standing here doing nothing.
Oh, cool. Looks like a fun night.
What are you doing here?
We were down at the beach
watching the lake being dragged.
It's like our town's
version of a drive-in.
- Yeah.
- So.
Can we use your bathroom?
- Um
- Please?
It's back there.
But then you have to leave right away.
- I'm very busy.
- Yeah, we know, doing nothing.
I'm over him. Like, so over him.
Like, I'm embarrassed
that I was into him.
Why are you going through his stuff?
You can find out a lot
about a guy this way.
He's got all the vitamins.
- A, B, C oh, my God.
- Huh?
They're stored in alphabetical order.
He's a maniac.
I'm so turned on.
We are gonna go.
Oh.
Do not go in there.
I'm just kidding.
I didn't shit in your bathroom.
Gotta go to a party.
Sorry, you're not invited.
Kinda a girl's night thing so, yeah.
- Okay.
- Seriously, it's not a big deal.
It's just, like, my ex, JT,
he's, like, really successful
and he's got this, like,
really big house in the hills
and he's, like, begging me to go,
which embarrassing for him, you know?
Then I'm confused why you're still here.
- Go.
- No, we're good.
I get it. So we'll
see you another time.
Thank you.
It's like he's jealous
but barely hiding it.
- You know?
- He's hiding it pretty well.
He's probably gonna follow us.
- No, he's not.
- Oh, my God.
You're so weird.
Yuck-Sue-Yaach
sounding like a savage
I don't even understand 'em
When he say that you the baddest
Survival is a habit
- Hey, you girls got ID?
- Oh, what are you doing here?
This bitch called in for reinforcements.
- Aww, D'arce.
- Mwah.
Thank you. Let's do the damn thing.
Give it to you.
Ugh, do you have anything stronger?
Pumped Sage enough milk for a week.
Mm.
- I'm trying to be out-out.
- Ooh, you look hot.
Ooh, why are you dressed
like a mob wife?
Why aren't you?
I have a husband. You have a cat.
Besides, this is the first night
I've been out since Sage was born.
I'm not gonna waste it on
a Broncos jersey and jeans.
I see somebody I wanna talk to
with my butt.
'Kay.
If you craft is genetic
Yuck-Sue-Yaach
If you workin' both your spirits
Hey, watch it.
- Kick rocks, cougar.
- Cougar?
We know the guy that lives here,
so maybe we could have him just
kick your ass right out of here.
Who, JT's dad? He's outta town, lady.
Lady?
Check out the MILFs.
Did you invite me to
a high school party?
- Oh, God.
- Holy shit.
No, no, no, this isn't funny, okay?
I wasted a 30-mile drive, a babysitter,
and I smeared my
best lipstick to be here.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, my God.
Where's D'Arcy? Oh, shit.
- I'm gonna kill her.
- Oh, God, oh, God.
Oh, God.
You're a good dancer.
And you're skinny.
Like a cricket.
- You wanna take it upstairs?
- Why, what's upstairs?
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, my God, braces? Ugh.
- Chug, chug, chug, chug!
- Do not say that! That's not true!
Ugh, high school party.
How's your new boyfriend.
You get into his Pull-Ups yet?
I think that was his first boner.
I guess that you forgot that
JT also has a son named JT?
It's not my fault that
he is a narcissist.
Wow, okay, okay.
Excuse me.
- What?
- Oh, hey, hey, hey.
- Why?
- You guys want some?
Oh, great. We're in a Gen Z drug den.
Hey, these are Sam's.
Where'd you get these?
From my pocket.
Burnout, she means who gave them to you?
This prescription was
written after he died.
You weren't prescribed these.
I'm taking them,
and if you have a problem with that,
- I'm gonna call the cops.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What was that about?
- Let's just get out of here.
Wait. Jay?
Oh, shit.
How are all these children
more wasted than us?
Okay, yeah,
I'm going home to snuggle my baby.
You two, you need families.
Or maybe a lawyer.
This is embarrassing. Help me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it.
All right.
Sorry about tonight.
You're too young to know how
sorry that party really was.
- Thanks.
- Course.
Just get to bed.
Oh, hang on, um
I know you've been going
through a hard time lately.
Whenever you're having a rough time,
just burn some of this cedar
and pull the smoke around you.
Something my dad taught me. It'll help.
That's weird, but okay.
Thanks, Ms. Twelvetrees.
Asta, are you ready?
Asta?
Sam!
You okay?
- Let's get out of here.
- Yeah, let's do it.
Up front, princess. I'm not a chauffeur.
I mean oh, okay.
That's how we're doing it?
Yep, that's how we're doing it.
No problem.
Yes.
We're calling it a night, Doc,
but we'll be back tomorrow.
There's a dead body out there somewhere
and we're not gonna
rest until we find it.
Except we are going to
go home and rest now.
Hey, Cletus!
Hey! Get back here, boy!
Hey! What you smell?
- Uh
- Cletus!
What you got, boy?
Oh, hell. He onto something!
- He cannot go in there.
- Go on, boy!
Huh?
Huh.
Huh.
Well, well, well.
No wonder he's losing his mind.
It's bison.
You got meat.
I like meat.
I like meat, too, you know?
I've tried rabbit.
And I tried moose once.
My uncle made them.
I ate it, but I didn't like it.
Okay, well, there's nothing to see here.
At least I know where I can
come if I need meat, right?
Come on, here, Cletus!
And Liv.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
Why are you awake?
Please don't tell me
you waited up for me.
No.
- Breakfast?
- Oh, my God, please.
Scrambled eggs, your favorite.
Wow.
This looks good.
It was a girl.
The baby was a girl.
I thought she'd be
better off without me,
but what if that's not true? What if
what if she's supposed to be with me?
You're a mother to that child.
That bond can never be broken.
It's a mother's gift.
Wherever that child is,
you'll always be able to sense her.
One day,
that connection will
bring you back together.
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh.
- We both have the same bag.
Oh, um, yeah.
I was just buying a lock
for your desk drawer.
It's where Sam used to keep
all his prescription pads.
What about you?
I also have some things to lock away.
Who even are you, Harry Vanderspeigle?
Just a
guy.
Hmm.
Everybody has secrets.
Fear is such a great motivator.
It makes people lock those secrets away.
But for every one person
locking away their secrets,
there are two more people
seeking to uncover the truth.
Scary, right?
He's disgusting.
He definitely cut
the brakes on your bike.
I need to get a closer look.
No, don't. Don't do it.
What the hell?
So, I look that alien son of a bitch
right in his jaundiced eyes and
I said in no uncertain terms,
"I'm not the one to mess with."
I said, "Boy,
I don't know where you're from
"and I don't much
give a flying duck's fart.
"One thing's for certain,
two things for sure.
You best stay the hell away from me."
Well, he come at me.
I kicked his alien ass all
the way to the next county.
Damn thing got away with
my horse and my hat,
but I knew he wouldn't
mess with me again.
Unbelievable.
See, this is why
we like traveling around
meeting other alien experiencers.
Stories like that.
When we saw your videos online,
we knew we had to come speak with you.
Where did you say you
actually saw the alien again?
Do you know where he was headed?
Well, little lady,
I've been letting this
liquor speak for me
and I think I said too much already.
But you can read about that
in the book I'm writing.
Oh, cool. You're writing a book.
Sunshine on
Well, well, little lady.
What are you doing
We're singing all day
and you can't tame it
Oh, my God! Are you insane?
You killed him?
We're not supposed to kill people!
Those aren't our orders!
Looks like you and I
have different orders.
Oh, Lord,
I feel a change on the rise