Shatter Belt (2023) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[theme music]
[light dramatic music]
- [soft chiming]
- [Ellis] Dervey!
- [Dervey laughs] Ellis!
- [Ellis laughs] Yes!
- Okay. Okay. Okay, I brought
- [Ellis] What you got for me, man?
- [Ellis] Alright.
- what you asked for, plus,
- remember that action figure I told you about?
- [woman] Ellis!
- [Ellis] I don't wa-- What?
- [woman] Where are the chicken nuggets?
- [Ellis] They're in the freezer!
- Just look at it.
[Ellis] Look, I don't
wanna look at your toy.
It's not a toy, it's a collectible,
- there's a big difference, okay.
- Still don't wanna look--
[woman] How long do chicken
nuggets last in the freezer?
- [Ellis] Forever.
- Just give this a look, okay?
- You got that weird look in your eye.
- That look is intent,
- okay, because I'm in the zone. Remember when I wrote
- There we go.
that review of Pulp Fiction,
how I was? Remember that?
- Yeah, yeah. I-- tir--
- That's wh-- I'm back there.
- I'm back there. Yes.
- Yeah, I remember. Yeah, yeah.
- Exactly. It's not stress!
- It's stress.
- It's not stress, okay? It is--
- I beg to differ, dog.
- Look at your face, you're all red.
- It's-- it's focus,
it's focus, okay?
- I have an angle on this one, okay?
- Hmm.
An-- and Esquire magazine is interested.
- Esquire magazine!
- I-- I'm proud of you,
- Esquire magazine, that's good.
- Yeah. I'm writing an article
about the best joke ever written for TV.
- "Yo, Martin, you big dummy."
- [Dervey laughs]
"Elizabeth, I'm coming
to join you, honey." [laughs]
- If I can just get my computer
back-- - Dervey, get me
- six catalytic converters.
- Yeah, but if I get my--
you pay me, I get my
computer back, the files are o--
- Six catalytic converters, you big dummy.
- I only-- I only have four.
- So just adjust the price.
- [sighs]
Alright, g-- give me-- give me, four, six,
- give me 67%.
- [Ellis] I can't do that, man.
The dude from Bakersfield
comes down, he wants six.
[Dervey] I can pay you extra
when the article gets published.
I can't do anything with four,
four is not even worth
- the phone call.
- Listen, you're not getting it, okay!
This article puts attention
on me, it goes viral, okay,
gets people talking. "What's
the best joke ever written for TV?
Well, Dervey Ryan of Esquire
says that it's this one."
- And then a huge argument star--
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Which one? Which joke?
- [Dervey] It still--
It's from Friends, it's old.
- I've watched every episode.
- Okay, okay!
- Okay. Yes.
- Black people watch Friends.
Hey, Vanessa, you watch Friends?
- [Vanessa] No.
- It's the one
where Ross is gonna go to China.
- Mm-hmm.
- Alright, so then Joey says, "No, go. Go to China.
Eat Chinese food."
And then Chandler says,
"Of course, over there
they just call it food."
[chuckles] Okay, it's good.
- Yeah. I didn't say
- It's not the funniest.
I didn't say, "the funniest."
I said, "the best."
Okay, it's the best. It's true,
it's startling because it's true.
Y-- And, and also
[stutters] it doesn't depend on,
on mocking someone else
or making someone else feel bad,
you know, wh-- which i--
in humor, that's rare.
- Because a lot of times humor is based
- Yeah.
on mocking people, mocking
people's pain, you know, othering them.
But this is just realizing a universal truth.
Over there they just call it food.
- Nice. I like your logic.
- Yeah. Yeah.
"They" being the Chinese.
Y-- yeah.
- So the Chinese are being mocked.
- J-- no! What?
- No, no, no. That's n-- that's not right.
- No! No, no, no, no
You're mocking them for not
realizing that food is Chinese food.
- [man] Hey, Ellis!
- I gotta go help these folks out here.
- [Dervey] It's the opposite of mocking.
- [man] Ellis!
[Dervey] I-- it's realizing, i--
- it's, it's rethinking.
- [woman] Ellis!
- It's rethinking.
- [Ellis] Hey, my peoples,
how are you?
- I'm alright.
- Good to see you.
- We're here to--
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay. You need a carburetor.
- Yeah. Uh--
- Okay. Well--
- [woman] Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Oh. Oh, I got them.
- [woman] Oh!
- [chuckles] Yeah, there you go.
Oh, thank you--
[ominous music]
You are turning.
What?
Yeah, today.
You are one turn away.
From what? Rich, famous?
Famous.
[Ellis] Dervey!
I gotta help these folks. Could you go
get me two more catalytic converters?
Did you hear what she said to me?
- Can you loan me some money?
- No!
And he's not gonna bend.
He sends them to Bakersfield
for the best price.
They just want the palladium.
I'll drive him to Bakersfield.
I-- oh, I can't, I can't.
- It's Joy's birthday tonight.
- Doesn't your girlfriend have a job?
Some scientist or something?
She can loan you.
She catalogs stuff at the museum.
- I can't ask her that.
- [Ellis] Vanessa!
When's your article due?
- [Ellis] A little help.
- [Vanessa] Yeah.
[crickets chirping]
[phone beeps]
Hey, Joy.
Yeah, listen [sighs]
I'm sorry about last week.
Could you call me
when you get a chance?
I-- I wanna talk to you
about tonight. I gotta--
j-- just call me when you get
a chance, as soon as you can.
Okay? Bye.
[buzzing]
[beeps]
[buzzing and whirring]
[woman] I think you're up
for choosing lunch today.
[man] How about we do chicken today?
- [woman] No. Chicken or fish?
- Do you want the fish?
- [woman] I mean, I feel like we've done a lot of chicken.
- Let's do the fish then.
- [woman] Same place?
- Yeah, we can do the same place.
[female voice]
Call from your chosen partner.
Uh [blows raspberries] let it go.
We're recording in here.
Say I'll call back.
What?
[soft whirring]
"Chosen partner"?
You knew I was in a relationship.
[soft whirring]
We're gonna need the cranial mold
while we're waiting for the bones.
Yeah, I'm gonna get it.
[deeply exhales]
- [beep] - [female voice]
Recording stopped.
You need to say something?
- When are you gonna tell them?
- I don't know.
- I don't know if it's fair to me to
keep pretending lik-- - Fair to you?
- Fair to-- I'm the one who's compromised here.
- And I've to keep pretending,
- I've to act like nothing has happened.
- Oh, you poor guy.
- [beep] - [female voice]
Recording resumed.
- [beep] - [woman] Hey,
guys, I'm stepping in.
If you have the bones ready,
I'd like to see 34 through 90.
Just that I'll tell everything
if I have to. I'll blow it all up
and chosen partner
can go kill themselves
if they can't handle it, if you're keeping it.
- [beep] - [female voice]
Recording stopped.
[man] Oh, shit.
Are you completely stupid?
I didn't mean to, I'm sorry.
- [female voice] Supervisor Lyn arriving.
- [door hissing]
Hey. Let's see that--
why is the recorder off?
What's going on?
- We-- - Oh, hey, uh,
we accidentally had a--
a personal statement recorded.
We'd like permission to delete it.
[chuckling] Yeah, that's
absolutely not gonna happen.
You know the rules.
It's locked forever in archive.
[soft whirring]
Let's see the skull.
- [beep] - [female voice]
Recording resumed.
[soft thud]
Oh, look at that.
Absolutely gorgeous.
[Ellis] So you're telling me
you pawned your computer?
[Dervey] I did. Th-- the
finished article's on my computer
and my computer's at Rufio's.
He's not gonna sell it
back to me until I buy back
the vintage poster collection,
which is why I need the money
- for the catalytic converters.
- [man shouts] Ellis, over here?
No, no, two more steps to your left.
No, to your left, the other left.
Yeah, I feel you, Dervey, but, uh-- hey,
why don't you turn
the action figure into Rufio's
- and trade it for the computer.
- [Dervey] No, no, I'll never see it again.
- Ah! You take this.
- [Dervey] I don't wanna sell it, okay.
- [woman] Oka-- - It's collateral
so that you know I'll come back.
- [grunts] I'm not a pawn shop.
- I-- listen, listen, Ellis.
This is a vintage Bounty Hunter
action figure prototype
with working rocket launcher.
These things go for,
like, $30,000, $40,000.
And you're straining and
struggling, and all along you got a doll
- worth 40 grand? That don't sit, man.
- L-- listen, listen,
I don't wanna sell it, okay. This
thing goes up in value every year.
- Every year it earns money.
- Well, it's not real money
- if you don't have it.
- I just got into a weird situation
- with my computer, okay. Oh-- -
Hang on a second. Hey, take the six.
- Thank you, Ellis!
- [Ellis] Alright, alright.
- [Vanessa] Bye
- [Ellis] Drive careful.
- See you.
- see you guys next week.
[eerie music]
- [Vanessa] Thank you for coming.
- She told me,
alright, this was my day, it's my turn.
She does have the sight.
- Ooh!
- Well, then, then there you go.
I had the winning
Powerball numbers, okay,
- I just had the wrong day.
- She's always saying stuff.
She told me I was gonna find
love in a cabin on Christmas.
- Did you?
- [Vanessa] No.
A guy on the plane who I met
on Christmas called me.
- But I never called back.
- On the-- why not?
You met him in the cabin of the plane.
[wind blowing]
Dervey, why you gotta do that to me?
God, I gotta turn this article,
I've got to turn this article in.
[Ellis] Don't you have the
original package for this?
No, that's why it's not worth 100 grand.
But my dad bought this
at the New York Toy Fair,
Christmas of 1979. This is a prototype.
By the time it got to the stores, though,
the rocket launcher didn't work anymore,
they're afraid kids would choke on it.
That's why this thing is so rare.
That's why it's so valuable.
- [cellphone chiming]
- Hang on, hang on.
Oh, hey. Yeah, Rufio!
Yeah, no, I've been trying to call you.
I have the money.
[light melancholic music]
No, Rufio, Rufio, I've been calling you.
I've been calling you, okay?
I'm getting it all together. I'm--
[sighs] No, the important thing is
you do not sell. Do not sell, okay?
Beca-- no. No. I--
No, I did not say the entire movie
poster collection was vintage.
I didn't s-- just the 48 Hours poster.
That's the only vintage one, okay?
Rufio? Rufio?
Joy works in a museum, okay?
She catalogs artifacts
from thousands of years ago.
And maybe she's got
some little piece of pottery
some guy made, it wasn't all
that special, wasn't a big deal,
and now it represents an entire culture.
It represents the pinnacle
of their achievement,
it speaks for all of these people.
It survived time.
And you are surrounded
by artifacts like that
that are gonna disappear into time.
They're gonna disappear into time,
and you have one thing
that can actually put something out there
that's gonna last,
and that's my computer, okay?
No, Ru-- Rufio,
the artifact isn't the article.
It's the joke! The joke th--
no, list-- you're not listening to me!
[melancholic music continues]
[birds chirping]
[birds chirping]
Ellis. Ellis, could you come
talk to me in my truck?
- What's going on?
- Well, it's lunch.
I know you don't take calls during lunch.
Please, please.
[wind blowing]
[crickets chirping]
- [thuds]
- Okay. Phew.
- Oh! Now that's a relic.
- [chuckles]
Yeah, my-- my brother
bought this back in the '70s.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
So, uh, what are we doing?
- Um, hey.
- [sighs]
You k-- you having
some sort of breakdown?
[deeply inhales]
- ["Willing and Able" by Helene
Smith] - I don't know. I don't know.
Maybe, I don't know.
Merry Christmas to you ♪
And a happy New Year ♪
Although you have ♪
- Someone new, oh, oh! ♪
- [soft ticking]
I don't want diamonds
for Christmas ♪
And the burial chamber?
Do we have dimensions yet?
It was distorted under tremendous
pressure, probably buried at one point
- under 500 feet of-- - 500
feet of sand and ice, so not sure.
- But the bones are so preserved.
- That's an ingenious design of the chamber,
- it distributed the weight even as it was crushed.
- And the ice was packed.
It must have started snowing
inside the chamber somehow,
- so it really is a perfect combination of factors.
- It's really a per--
And no other sign of human activity
- anywhere near the chamber?
- No.
We think he must've been
a particularly beloved king.
- They built the chamber, hauled it 30 miles
- [man] 30 miles.
up an impossibly steep
mountain range,
and then somehow lowered it
carefully into the crevasse--
And what about the symbol?
Uh, the cryptography lab
is working on deciphering it.
- Cryptography? Is it in code?
- N-- you kn--
We don-- They were having more
success than the ancient languages team.
- It doesn't seem to correlate
with anythin-- - They don't know.
- That's not entirely true.
- It's an unusual variant
- of a highly incomplete alphabet.
- Can I see it?
- The translation or the--
- No, no, no
- The specimen.
- the specimen. Yeah, can I see it?
- Where is it?
- It's here. It's fragile. It
- [man] Just make sure to be careful with it.
- careful, careful.
Yes, I'll be--
The blue symbol, a royal seal?
I think so. And blue ink
would've been very special
- [man] Very rare.
- perhaps signifying royalty or,
or God powers?
- [Lyn] Any other markings?
- [man] Too faint to be seen here,
but the lab found traces,
enough to reconstruct
a sort of stroke based matrix of glyphs
we think correspond to sounds,
- a phonetic alphabet
- A phonetic alphabet.
- yeah. [chuckles]
- Phonetic alphabet?
20,000 years ago?
[woman] Yeah, almost surely.
[Lyn] So this message must
have been very meaningful
- if it was buried right there with him.
- We think so.
- [man] Yeah.
- Will we get full translation?
Probably. I mean, there were glyphs
and bits of the alphabet
in other parts of the chamber.
So it's a puzzle coming together.
- But we expect one.
- Yeah.
[softly] So that message is everything.
If we could present that
at the opening of the exhibit--
Very good, very good for donors.
- Raise tons of money.
- Possibly, yeah.
Keep it completely locked down.
I'll go tell the lab.
We can make that the centerpiece
of the whole event.
"Come hear the message that
traveled 20,000 years to be heard."
You should present it.
Me? Why me?
Because the donors love you.
And you're beautiful.
What?
You two are acting like
teenagers caught dousing.
- [beep] - [female voice]
Recording stopped.
We would really appreciate
being able to expunge
just a section of the record.
Oh, my God.
That is the most unprofessional--
Do you know how that would look,
to tamper with a record?
- We ask this one favor.
- [Lyn] Look, move on.
It's in the record, but that doesn't mean
anyone reads the record.
People have their own lives.
They don't care about whatever
little drama you've got raging here.
- [beep] - [female voice]
Recording resumed.
[Lyn] Oh, look! I think the glyph is a bird.
See the wings?
["You Got To Do Your Share"
by Helene Smith]
To make this good thing last ♪
- Yeah, yeah - I want
you thinking about it, baby ♪
- Yeah, yeah ♪
- Oh, baby ♪
- Yeah, yeah ♪
- Come on and ♪
[clock ticking]
That album
gonna live for 500 years, I guarantee it.
The way we listen to Mozart now,
that's how people
are gonna listen to that album.
It'll be part of the permanent record.
[crickets chirping]
You're scared of dying.
That's what this comes down to.
Dervey,
you can't live
if you're focused on the end.
That's why the article,
that's why the article 'cause it
holds something up and it says,
"This was good," you know?
It gives it life beyond.
Makes it special.
[melancholic music]
What? Are you talking about the joke?
Are you talking about--
So many things just get ignored,
get passed over.
I'm just trying-- I'm just trying
- To exist.
- to get paid. What?
Oh, okay.
[deeply inhales]
She said it was my turn.
Oh, I know.
[car doors shut]
Hey, listen, Ellis.
Ellis, Ellis! Listen.
I want you to hold on to the
action figure for one week.
- And then after that-- - No,
no, I'll make a deal with you.
I'll give you enough to get your computer
and your movie posters back.
I get to keep the 48 Hours poster.
Okay, well, but you can't keep it though.
No, no, no, I'm gonna keep it.
Look, I'll give you enough
to get your shit back.
I get to keep the movie poster.
No, that's not-- I-- lis--
Dervey, you need money. Okay?
- You got something to sell, right?
- [gasps]
T-- they're not for sale!
- [whispers] Jesus. Why do you hold on
- W-- no, Ellis. Ellis, Ellis--
to that stuff for? The next life?
What do you have
that's valuable you can sell?
Look, the money comes
when the article gets turned in.
- Just loan me-- j--
- [Ellis] I don't loan!
I need a sure thing.
Vanessa, what did you do to my office?
My God, I can't find anything.
Frozen nuggets in my drawers?
- [mumbles] Gracious sakes alive.
- [thud]
- Here.
- I can't find anything.
This is valuable.
This is the sure thing.
[light mysterious music]
[sighs]
Good luck with that.
[shouts] Vanessa!
Can you just believe in me?
- I don't believe in you. I don't. - [sighs]
I told you six catalytic
converters, you bring me four.
That means you do things halfway.
Oh, excuse me, 67% of the way.
And then you quit.
So no, I don't believe in you,
just like you didn't believe
in me and this place.
- That is a shitty thing to say.
- It's not my problem!
Don't make your problems my problem.
Dude, you come in-- [sighs]
you come in here and you expect
everyone to adjust to whatever disaster
you've created for yourself.
Well, no more!
[crickets chirping]
You don't even care anything about me.
You know my girl
almost broke up with me?
- Did you?
- Okay, well, that's-- I didn--
[stutters] I didn't know,
okay? How is she?
- She's crazy. She's crazy!
- She's not crazy.
[wind blowing]
Look at this, you--
you could've had some of this.
I offered this to you.
We could've run this place together
and you would've had income.
But no, you looked me in the eye
and said, "No, man, this is just junk."
Fine, giv-- give me-- give me
the address in Bakersfield,
- I'll just drive there myself.
- Oh! Oh! So you want to go
- to Bakersfield and back? Fine.
- I do, yes.
It's a long ass drive.
[Dervey] Yeah. I mean, I-- [scoffs]
- I guess I don't have a choice. No, I don't.
- No, you don't.
[whispers] Goddammit.
- [mumbling]
- [dog barking distantly]
[barking continues]
[birds chirping]
[soft rattling]
I need gas.
I will give you gas.
Leave the box.
[crickets chirping]
[thud]
You're gonna miss Joy's birthday.
- [loud thud]
- You think that's a smart thing?
Probably not, but [sighs] it's on.
It's happening. It's my turn.
[beeps]
- [Joy] Hey. Hey!
- Hey, Joy, hey.
I'm gonna miss it all tonight, I'm sorry.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
- What are you talking about?
- Well, maybe we could, like,
- do something tomorrow?
- [scoffs] Tomorrow? No.
Dervey, the reservations are for tonight.
I feel terrible, okay?
I'm sorry.
You know what? Just forget it.
Just-- just do whatever the hell
you need to do.
I'll just talk to you whenever.
Okay, I'll call you later.
[engine rumbling]
[sighs]
[gentle music]
[indistinct chatter]
- [man 1] cryptography department.
- [woman 1] You remember
how much they ate last time,
I'm not doing that again.
[man 1] Well, if you
invite one department,
you have to invite everybody.
[woman 1] Well, what's the point
in inviting Cryptography
if they can't hide it
from Ancient Languages?
[indistinct chatter]
[Lyn] It's a match? What is it?
Oh! I think it's proof he was a king!
Rare metals like this were unheard of in
ancient times among normal human tribes.
But wh-- is it silver? Is it platinum? Wh--
- Palladium.
- Oh, good God!
Who was this guy?
[man 2] Hey, I got it.
[Lyn gasps]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! Unreal.
[music increases]
[woman 1] Warrior totem.
This man was a warrior king.
[wind blowing]
So those bone breaks,
maybe not accidental.
In battle. Probably the victor,
if his body was restored to his people
for such an elaborate burial.
God, they must've loved him.
Like you do.
Hey, Joy. Um
[engine rumbling]
thinking of turning around.
Um, I think I made a mistake, and
[sighs] I'm just gonna come back.
And we can go get dinner, we
can talk or something, you know?
I'm-- I'm thinking about you, so, um--
oh, it's starting to snow.
I told her about the baby last night.
I told her everything.
Do you wanna pause recording?
Nope. Let the record show.
[music continues]
Alright, that's even more crucial.
We need to get the translation
done for the opening.
We need to know
what message was so important
it's traveled all of human
history to get to us.
I'm on it.
You're still presenting.
Thank you.
You're still beautiful.
[dramatic music]
[engine rumbling]
[muted voices]
[crowd clapping]
Thank you. Thank you, supervisor.
The ice canyon burial site,
besides the wonders
you've already seen,
revealed one final secret
we'd like to share with you today.
As you know, almost nothing exists
in the record of humanity
from over 6000 years
after the Great Pyramids
up until the impact.
But now
I'm sorry, I had this
memorized this morning.
[laughter]
But now we have a message
encoded in an archaic alphabet.
It took some of our best experts
several months to translate.
We believe it has a special
meaning that transcends eons
and connects us
with the greatest philosophers
and poets of the ancient world.
[dramatic music]
The message reads,
"Go to the soul.
Eat of the soul sustenance.
Yet, in truth, here
we name it only sustenance."
[music increases]
[crowd clapping]
["Willing and Able" by Helene Smith]
Darling, I'm willing ♪
To forget about our past ♪
Darling, I'm able ♪
To make our love last ♪
I'm a one man's woman ♪
And I'm willing and able ♪
To be loved ♪
Oh, yes, I am yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
It's almost Christmas ♪
And here I am all alone ♪
I haven't seen a happy day ♪
No, no, no ♪
Ever since you've been gone ♪