Teachers (2001) s01e03 Episode Script

- (Hoover droning)
- (Simon) Maggie, it's me. Where are ya?
I'll try your mobile.
Can you turn that off?
I'm trying to make a call!
- (Hoover stops)
- (Dad) You could help me.
(Hoover restarts)
- (Police radio, indistinct)
- (Mobile)
(Bleeps off)
(Kids shouting)
That's it! We don't want
him escaping, go on.
Mags, it's Simon.
Give us a ring.
I'm cold, I'm alive
And I know we're all right
for the future ♪
Thanks for your help (!)
I didn't want to intrude
on your cathartic experience.
- (Doorbell)
- Shit, it's them.
But I'm wrong, have the right
To be gone for the night
by the wayside
And it's easier now
to believe that it's not ♪
Fucking hell!
But you know where I go
And if you ever saw me
Left with the same old stories
Trying to get away
From the life I made ♪
I was just gonna give you a hand.
Thanks, Simon.
Want a glass of wine?
Are you gonna buy next door
and knock through?
- She said she didn't have much.
- And you believed her?
- Well, I've got a lot of junk to clear out.
- Including me?
You're the one looking for a flat.
- We're happy for you to stay.
- I feel in the way.
Then swallow your pride,
- tell them you're a teacher.
- Never.
Does it matter what my job is?
Maybe people should tattoo
what they do on their forehead -
"I am a work-shy bastard."
Would that help?
Hello? Oh, shit!
(The Dandy Warhols: Every Day
Should Be A Holiday)
In the morning mirror
Show more than you should
Cos everything that you give
is down to you ♪
(Shouting and laughing)
No. No, I said Maggie. Maggie Peters.
(Clare) So, I need cover
for late-morning history for year 7.
Erm, well, I'm-I'm her boyfriend.
(Clare) Anything else?
What do you mean?
Did she mention me?
(Clare) The boys' toilets are closed again.
Well, tell her I called.
For fuck's sake!
Sorry.
(Clare) Stationery order in
by Wednesday next, please.
And just to warn you
They still can't help
you with your inquiries?
(Bell)
(Clare) Thank you, everyone.
And a very good morning
to you, Jenny.
You whisked Maggie away
pretty quickly the other day.
Who were you ashamed of? Her or us?
No one.
I'd understand keeping her from Jenny,
but the rest of us?
- Sorry?
- Well, it could be awkward,
if Jenny was in a vindictive mood.
You mean sometimes she isn't?
She could accidentally let slip
about your little encounter.
- Like she did to me.
- She told you about it?
- Not all the gory details.
- There are no gory details.
I'm just glad she hasn't
got anything to use on me.
- It could be arranged.
- If you're intending to, er
see Maggie long-term
it would be nice to meet her.
If you think I'm worthy.
- Simon.
- What is it, Katy?
- I don't get it.
- What don't you get?
I don't get what
we're supposed to be doin'.
You're supposed to be doing
the questions in the book
while I look for somewhere to live.
This is usually my favourite lesson
but today it's borin'.
Even positive, life-affirming people
like myself
need a day off from time to time.
- I hope you find a flat soon.
- Read.
Last year I wouldn't
have given Kevin an E
but he's headed for a C
since I started one-to-ones.
(Bob) Shows what we can achieve
with application -
even hopeless cases are redeemable.
Don't you all agree?
- Simon?
- Absolutely, whatever you say.
Good. We need to organise
an internal moderation day
once all the coursework is in.
I suggest Wednesday week,
which means all the coursework
has to be in a week today.
- That's next Friday.
- Is that a problem?
We haven't even touched
the sonnets yet, have we?
- I have.
- When?
- Two weeks ago.
- You said you hadn't started.
- I said that two weeks ago.
- Oh, shit!
Pull your finger out, Simon.
This is a significant percentage
of the marks.
Isn't there an alternative to the sonnets?
They're so dull.
- An alternative to Shakespeare?
- (Bell)
(Bob) So, all in by next Friday.
No excuses.
(Doorbell)
Maggie.
Maggie!
Maggie! Open the door, please,
I wanna talk to you.
She's away for the weekend.
- Where?
- No idea.
Shit. Sorry.
- Erm, is your name Simon?
- What?
- If it's Simon, she left a message.
- What is it?
- Are you Simon?
- Yeah.
- I thought so.
- What's the message?
"Piss off." Have you two fallen out, then?
Mind your own fucking business.
Tosser.
(Shed Seven: She Left Me On Friday)
She left me on Friday
And it ruined my weekend
She thinks we're still best friends
She thinks we're still all right
She's playing her mind games
Got into the fast lane
Drove off to some bright lights
To find if all the places that shine
Are anything like mine
No, no
She left me with no hope
It's all gone up in smoke
She didn't invite me
Rode off with a donkey
To find if all the places that shine
Are anything like mine
To find out if all the style she's got
Is gonna push her to the top
She left me on Friday
And put me in limbo
She stole my ego
And now it's a no go go go go
She left me with no hope
It's all up in smoke
She didn't invite me
To find if all the places that shine
Are anything like mine
To find out
if all the style she's got
Is gonna push her to the top
To find out
if all the Fridays you choose
Are where you'll still lose ♪
Morning, Simon.
Shit!
- Got anywhere to live yet, Simon?
- Not yet.
- There's a bed at my place.
- I'll bear it in mind.
It will mean sharing with me
but I don't mind if you don't.
- Put down Of Mice And Men.
- What are we doing?
- Shakespeare's sonnets.
- (Groaning)
There are sheets on the desks,
so if you could look at them now.
What's the first thing
that strikes you about them?
I, er don't understand a word of it.
- And why not?
- Because they're all bollocks.
They may seem like bollocks, Arnie,
but that's because they were written
between 1592 and 1595.
So what's that got to do with us now?
- They're part of the syllabus, that's what.
- Yeah, but they're boring.
I really need your help on this!
- Why?
- I've got enough crap in my life
and if I sow a little into your trouble-free
lives it'll make me feel a lot better.
Also we've only got five days
to cover this stuff.
So I'm asking you to help me, OK? OK?
(All) Yes.
We'll be moving fast,
so try and keep up. I'll help you.
- Now, for your homework
- (All) What?!
If I'm gonna be working my arse off,
I think you should do the same.
I want you to write your own love poem.
- To who?
- Someone you love, you twat.
(Simon) Just have a go,
see how easy or hard it is.
As I say, we'll be moving fast,
so if you could do them tonight
I will love all of you forever.
(Bell)
(Susan) 'So, how was your first weekend
with your new mum and sister?'
Fucking perfect.
- Made it up with Maggie yet?
- (Sighs) I've been ringing her for days.
Even went to her flat. She left
a message with her neighbour
- telling me to piss off.
- How did that make you feel?
- Pissed off.
- Just pissed off?
And kind of hurt.
Now you're getting close
to how she's feeling.
(Computer game bleeping)
What do you want to leave
home for? You've got it easy.
You should think
seriously about this.
Where else are you gonna go, man?
You shouldn't be listening to this.
I'm not.
- (Simon) You don't smoke.
- Come to see Arnie.
You won't get a decent hit
from passive smoking, it's a myth.
- Cheers, Jez.
- Is this a protection racket?
- My dad's given up.
- So what?
He hides packs all over the house -
in the garage, the shed, the car.
He forgets where he puts 'em and
- Free fags.
Give us some.
(Kurt) Look, Simon.
Jeremy LIKES living with his dad.
Yeah, but Jeremy's a
- ..Jeremy.
- (Bleeping resumes)
Are you looking for a place to stay?
- I may be able to help you.
- You know of a flat?
No, but with the kids gone
I do have a spare room.
That would be in your house?
- Very modest rates, I'm sure.
- The offer's there.
I'm looking for my own flat
but if I get desperate
(Explosion)
Fucking desperate.
Tell me nothin'
Like wh-y-y-y-y
You just have to say you're leaving
And what we have is really over
It seems we'll never know the reason
All I have to do is ask you why-y-y♪
(Radio) 'Ever wondered why
you can't tickle yourself?'
(The Bluetones:
Down At The Reservoir)
Well you've gotta
come down to the reservoir
I don't care who the hell you are
If you're a moving violation
or a movie star
You're welcome round here now♪
- (Simon) Oh, brilliant!
- Molly!
- ..or an uncouth dame ♪
- I'm so sorry.
You got little letters after
but can't spell your name
- I really don't care♪
- Can I borrow your hairdryer?
..if you're hanging round here now
Then you can see how strangely quiet
we all are ♪
Hello, Simon. I've got some spare time
now the syllabus has been fully covered
by my group.
So, if any of your lot would benefit
from individual tuition
I've got it all in hand. Thanks anyway.
Just trying to help.
We're all under pressure.
Stephen!
Is that offer of a room still on?
- I thought you were looking for a flat?
- I was.
But another night
with the fucking Krankies
- and I'll need a machete.
- (Chuckles) Leave it with me.
- I need to know today.
- (Susan) Hey!
- You look terrible.
- But I feel great!
This time next week I could be
jobless, homeless and relationshipless.
- (All talking)
- Settle down. Settle down!
Let's crack into it. Love poetry.
How did we do? Tanya?
- What?
- Let's hear what you did.
- No, it's embarrassing.
- (All chuckle)
- (Simon) No one's gonna laugh.
- (All laugh)
- It's not about anyone.
- (All) Yeah (!)
Shh!
"What is it about him that I like?
"His eyes, his hair, his hands?
"Maybe the smile that lights his face
- "Maybe the way he stands."
- (Laughter)
"Maybe the way he makes me feel
when he passes my way each day."
- Shhh!
- (Laughter)
"Maybe the way my heart stops a beat
a million times a day."
(Maggie) 'Maybe the way he treats me
bad, ignores me and takes the piss.
'Maybe it's the casual sex we have
that makes me think I'm his.'
"Maybe because he's a selfish sod
who only thinks with his cock.
"Maybe he's the worst boyfriend
in the world
"and now he can just piss off."
(Tanya's voice) That's it.
- (Boy) No shit.
- Laughter.
Right. Very good.
- Can I read mine?
- No.
So, what do we need
to write a love poem?
- A pen?
- Hey! Top form!
- (Jeremy) Something to love.
- Right, good.
Number one, we need something
..or someone
- ..to love.
- (Boys) Lurrve.
(Simon) Susan, I need
to get Maggie back.
- You haven't spoken to her?
- Will you help me?
- What can I do?
- Advise? Encourage? Coach?
- Sounds like a full-time job.
- I'm serious!
(Susan) The question is
does she need to be got back?
- Please! As a mate.
- God, I love it when you grovel.
(Brian) You're gonna help him?
(Susan) If he's being genuine.
(Simon) I am!
(Kurt) The lengths a man will go
for a decent shag.
(Simon) How would you know?
(Brian) Ooh!
- The deprived man turns nasty.
- (Simon) Fuck off!
(Brian) It'll be tough, Susan.
(Kurt) Rather you than us.
(Simon) Like I'd come to you two with
a romantic problem. I do not think so.
(Bell)
I know you're upset, Mags,
and I know how you
could've misinterpreted but
I didn't want you to feel obliged
to be nice to everyone,
I wanted the first meeting
to be more informal.
Down the pub or something.
- That is utter crap.
- What?
She doesn't want reasons,
she needs to know you're sorry.
- I am.
- That you made a mistake.
- Right.
- Put yourself on the line.
- Forget about pride.
- Fantastic.
- It's time to beg.
- Yes!
How?
Come on, come on
Could you ever be one in a million?
I'm gonna step up the pace
If you're ready to face some facts
You'd better get out of my way
Cos I'm ready to pay the Sicilians ♪
Let me give you a hand
with these books. Here you go.
But when a better day comes around
You'll get your feet
back off the ground ♪
(Bell tolls, wind roars, wolf howls)
(Simon, sighing) Nice decor.
(Steve) Thought I'd give the hall
a new lick of paint.
No, I like the Gothic look.
Here we are.
"Home is the sailor, home from the sea.
"And the hunter home from the hill."
(Window creaks, wind whistles)
(Wolf howls)
There's a nice view across the cemetery.
I'm sure I can find an alternative home
for some of this stuff.
So what about a little drink
before dinner?
- Yeah. Why not?
- Keep your coat on.
So Susan says bombard her,
phone her, write to her, beg -
make her realise
how much you miss her.
I really like this girl -
really, really like her.
Love whiles the time that
we just stand and weep.
- Exactly.
- Knights would joust for their love.
- I need a leak.
- You do that.
"Cry God for Harry,
England and St George!"
(Rings)
'Hi, this is Maggie.
Leave me a message.
'Oh, and if that's you, Simon, piss off.'
- (Beeps)
- It is me, actually, and I will not piss off.
I'll bombard you
with everything I've got.
'I'll apologise a million times
'and you will talk to me eventually
cos I'll drive you fucking mad.'
I miss you.
Your hair, your eyes, your hands
The smile that lights up your face,
even the way you stand.
The way you make me feel
as you pass me by each day.
The way my heart hops a beat
a million times a day.
All the people in this pub
know how sorry I am.
Tell her!
Tell her how sorry I am!
- Yeah, he is sorry.
- Bloody sorry.
- 'He is sorry.'
- (Simon) 'See? They know.
'Please talk to me.'
Oh, this is Simon, by the way.
Oh, thanks, guys.
You were really great.
If I was staying for another,
I'd buy you all a drink but
Thank you. Cheers, brilliant.
- Nightcap?
- No, I'm gonna
And I like to leave prompt
at seven in the morning.
- (Radio) 'Dover, Wight'
- (Toaster pops)
Seven minutes to.
'Gale eight or severe gale warning.
'Occasionally storm ten,
decreasing six or seven.
'Squally showers, moderate or good.
'Biscay. Southwest or west,
six to gale eight.
'Decreasing five or six,
rain or showers, moderate or good.'
- Has my watch stopped?
- What are you doing here?
- I work here.
- (Brian) But you're early.
If it's a shock to you
how do you think I feel?
Is there any way of setting up
black coffee on a drip?
- (Chuckling) What happened to you?
- It's all a bit of a blur.
- You look like you slept where you fell.
- Can you top that up?
You look worse than yesterday -
that's saying something.
I'm glad everyone's trying
to make me feel good this morning.
(Laughter)
Look at them. Talking about me, I bet.
- Who?
- Fucking Jenny.
- (Susan) Why would they be?
- Because of the thing.
If she told you,
she's probably blabbed to everyone else.
She's hardly going to boast about it.
It's not like I tried
to jump her or anything
Why wouldn't she boast?
A message for you from a Maggie.
What does it say?
Well, do you want the gist
or the whole caboodle?
Oh, God, the gist.
No, give me the whole caboodle.
Hang on, if it's not good,
I don't want the gory details.
So the gist. Yeah, the gist.
Give me the gist.
She doesn't forgive you
but she's willing to see you again.
More fool her.
"Don't come to my flat again
"because Mrs Kettley will kick you
where it counts and if she doesn't, I will.
"I'm back on days, so call me tonight.
"This doesn't mean
that you're forgiven. Maggie."
Back on the beat, then.
(Simon) "Wishing me like
to one more rich in hope.
"Featured like him,
like him with friends possess'd.
"Desiring this man's art
and that man's scope,
"With what I most enjoy contented least;
"Yet in these thoughts,
myself almost despising,
"Haply I think on thee,
and then my state,
"Like to the lark
at break of day arising
"From sullen earth,
sings hymns at heaven's gate;
"For thy sweet love remember'd
such wealth brings
"That then I scorn to change
my state with kings."
You can't paraphrase this stuff,
it's all there.
The rest of your life is shite,
your job's on the line,
your dad's just moved in
with his girlfriend
and you're wondering
where you'll spend Christmas,
then you hear from this one person,
they send you a note,
whatever, and wham!
The sun comes out again
and you couldn't give a toss
about anything else.
I love this stuff!
- (Kids yelling)
- Keep the noise down, please!
Classes are still going on.
You look pleased.
I made a breakthrough with the sonnets.
- They're starting to like them?
- Not the kids, me.
So, Maggie swallowed the bait.
How do I reel her in?
- Don't make me regret helping you.
- Should I take her for a drink?
She's made an effort at reconciliation,
now you must do
something special in return.
- A meal?
- Something really special.
A meal and a drink?
For God's sake, what's
the one thing you're really good at?
You can cook. Why not cook her
something at home?
- I haven't got a home.
- You're staying at Stephen's.
That has all the romantic allure
of the Bates Motel.
You could always stay
at our place, mate. It's very select.
- You've got a room?
- Nice double bed.
- Why didn't you say so before?
- You never asked.
- Well, I'm asking now.
- It might not be what you're after.
I spent last night paralytic
on a camp bed,
- I'll take whatever you've got.
- Then it's a done deal.
Welcome to the love palace
that is chez Brian and Kurt.
I'm her lover
Her lazy, lazy lover
I can't be bothered getting into bed
I'm her lover
Her lazy, lazy lover
I'd much rather do it in my head
I'd much rather
do something else instead ♪
(Kurt) Ta-da!
(Brian) Home sweet home.
(Simon) Not bad.
(Kurt) Not bad?
It's bloody paradise after
a day with those little shits.
My room's at the back, that one's Kurt's.
- Where's mine?
- You're standing in it.
(Crash)
This is a sofa bed.
(Football commentary on TV,
video game explosions)
Haven't you guys got any work to do?
Perks of the subject, mate.
I can do extra work
on the computers at school.
And dopey bollocks has about as much
paperwork as a caretaker.
(Sighs) So
what's the policy on having girlfriends
back here?
It's never come up.
I promised Maggie
I'd cook her something special.
- Here?
- That was the general idea.
You should check out the catering
facilities before making any promises.
As I recall, the kitchen is
the small room over there.
(Simon) Fucking hell.
We use it primarily
for heating things up.
(Brian) And for storing cold beer.
Feel free to use anything you find.
(Feeder: Buck Rogers)
He's got a brand new car
Looks like a Jaguar
It's got leather seats
It's got a CD player, player, player
Player, player, player, player
Player, player, player, player,
player, player, player, player
But I don't want
to talk about it any more
I think we're gonna make it
- I think we're gonna ♪
- (Yelps, crashes)
I think we're gonna save it, yeah
So don't you try and fake it
Any more, any more
We start over again ♪
I had a puncture,
I really did have a puncture.
Just making sure that coursework
is in the front of your mind.
- Thinking of nothing else.
- I've had everyone else's work in
- but no sign of yours.
- It's under control.
Balls this up, no more chances, OK?
- Calm down, mate.
- It's about me too.
You mess up, it reflects on me.
And I'll come down so hard on you,
do you understand?
Why don't you just get off my back,
you sad old fucker?!
- You can count on me.
- I hope so.
For all our sakes.
(Long sigh)
Er, what's this?
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
I think you're all ready
for an essay on the sonnets.
(All groan) What?
- We've hardly touched them!
- Don't be such a pessimist.
- We don't know it.
- I do and I'm here.
Pens out, listen and write!
So, we're just writing what you tell us?
We're gonna explore it together.
- (Jeremy) Isn't this cheating?
- No, it's survival.
This is as important to you
as it is to me.
We need to be passionate,
write down what it means to us.
- But sir
- No buts.
Write this, go home, change
the words a bit, make it your own.
Right. Let's make a start.
(Simon) Detention again, Kelly?
Looks like a man. Nah, not into her.
(Kurt) You want a fag? Kelly!
No, thanks. So, tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night?
- I need the place to myself,
I don't mind what you do.
- We may help break the ice.
- The ice is broken, thanks.
- But you've had a cold snap.
- I don't need help from you two.
We'll remember that when you're
struggling for conversation.
- But you'll be out, right?
- I hope so.
- Yes? Good.
- Yes.
- (Susan) What happened with Bob?
- Nothing, why?
Liz said he was really stressed out
and on the warpath.
(Inhales sharply)
We had a conversation
and he appreciated
the pressure I was under
and we agreed to differ
on our respective approaches.
He had a go at you
and you promised to deliver.
You could see it like that, yeah.
Anyway, the wrath of Bob
is the least of my worries.
What's happening with Maggie?
- I asked her to dinner.
- And?
She said yes.
- You spoke to her?
- No.
But she said yes?
The phone rang, I picked it up,
she said "yes" and hung up.
- Was it a bright yes?
- It was It was flat, like
(Monotone) "Yes."
- Not tired or fed up?
- Flat, expressionless.
- Room for manoeuvre, then.
- Meaning?
Could still go either way,
depending on how you play it.
Could it?
She wants to see
how much you want her.
Any stops you may have -
be prepared to pull them out now.
You are good.
Something I have to say
You're driving my heart away
Just pushing me aimlessly
When, darling, it's plain to see
Whoo-hoo-hoo
Beside you, girl, is where I belong
Cos you've got it going on
You've got it
Whoo-hoo-hoo
And I can't define why I can't go on
But your eyes meet mine
and I'm going, going, gone
I'm nothing without you
From the moment we met
you just ain't been tryin', gone
I'm nothing without you ♪
Did Bob have a word with you
about getting your work in?
No. Why? Did he with you?
No, no. He has every confidence.
It is a bit of a worry, though, isn't it?
I've still got a couple of pieces of work
outstanding.
But they're promised
for tomorrow so I'll be fine.
- Are you on course?
- I predict very even marks.
We've got a thing going on
Whoo-hoo-hoo
And I can't disguise that I can't go on
Cos then I'd be lying,
and I'm going, going, gone
I'm nothing without you
From the moment we met
you just ain't been tryin'
Gone, I'm nothing without you
And I'll sing it again till my baby's cryin'
Ohhh-ohhh ♪
My last pieces of work.
Now I can look forward
to a weekend down the pub.
How about you?
All due in this morning.
- Cutting it pretty fine.
- That's the way I like it.
(Bell)
- (Gasps in pain)
- Ooh, are you all right?
Fine, just a bit of a twinge.
Woke up with it this morning.
- Could it be nerves?
- Are you nervous?
No.
(Simon) I love you guys.
You'll be mentioned in my memoirs.
Are you sure this isn't cheating?
This is a tiny, tiny part
of your exam results.
We didn't cheat, we simply
moved the goalposts a couple of inches.
We do it in life, so why not learn it here?
(Laughter)
(Simon groans)
We moved around a lot as a family,
what with my dad working abroad
and I picked up something
in Malaysia when I was six.
I thought these recent pills
had it beaten but (Shivers)
(Sighs)
You'd better get yourself home.
What's up? Still got twinges?
- Stomach cramps.
- Bit sudden.
- It comes and goes.
- Handy.
I've just got a Year 7 class
for a double period.
We'll organise cover.
- How long before it goes again?
- Sorry?
Well, you said it comes and goes.
Are we looking at another day off?
Or will it be fully cured
by 3:15 this afternoon?
I'll be fine as long as I take things easy.
I'm sorry, Clare.
- We'll soldier on without you.
- (Sighs, groans)
- Simon!
- It's all in, Bob!
(Grunts)
Best fish shop in town - where?
- My mum goes to Squids Inn.
- Where's that?
- All over the place.
- What street?
- Could be any of 'em.
- What?
It's a van. Guaranteed fresh, though.
(Simon yelling, door slams)
(Crash)
So you reckon the tiger prawns say,
"I'm sorry, love,"
but the swordfish says,
"I'm so, so sorry,
"I messed up in a big way,
forgive me, please."
A nice fish pie does
the trick with my old man.
(Man) Salmon for me every time.
You need something that says,
"I'm really making an effort here."
It would take more than fish
to get me to forgive.
Nice big plate of sardines - never fails.
Sardines hardly
promise passion and rapture.
The man wants a guaranteed result.
As starving students in Canterbury,
we ate a neighbour's carp.
It was very nice.
The fish is top but the dessert,
even if I say so myself,
is a tour de bloody force.
If that doesn't make her knees go weak,
nothing will. Five past.
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
Plenty of time for that later.
- Where's Brian?
- Tidying his room.
- Ten minutes.
- All right.
You know, you should
introduce us to her.
- Show her the great company you keep.
- Yeah, right.
- Could help your chances.
- The only thing that will help
is having a quiet flat in which
to weave my seductive magic.
- Oh shit, she's early!
- I'll get the door.
You stay where you are.
When I come back up
I want you both heading out
the door, right?
Maggie!
- It was tonight?
- Yeah, yeah.
- You just look surprised.
- No, I was feigning surprise.
- Why?
- I wasn't sure if you'd turn up.
Well
it was touch and go.
This is Kurt, this is Brian. It's their flat
and they were just leaving.
- Nice to meet you again.
- Likewise.
- As I say, they were just LEAVING.
- Oh.
- No time for a quick drink?
- (Mouthing)
Erm, well, Simon said
that he wanted the place to himself,
- felt we'd cramp his style.
- (Scoffs) What style?
- (Kurt) Would you like wine?
- Er, beer would be cool.
- (Kurt) Great. Bri?
- If everyone else is having one.
He's been fussing over this meal
like an old woman.
He's got a lot of catching up to do -
he was an arsehole.
- Complete arsehole.
- I thought you two were going?
Oh, cheers.
- (Maggie) So what do you teach?
- Guess.
- Erm computers?
- Shit.
- How-how did you get that?
- I'm a police officer, so
- What about me?
- Art and crafts.
Think I look like a fucking art teacher?
- It was a joke! PE.
- You're good at this.
(Kurt) Sit down, Maggie,
make yourself at home.
Jesus!
So me and Steve arrive on scene
and we can hear
this banging about inside
so we radio for backup
and go into the house.
Through the house, up the stairs,
run into the master bedroom
and there they both are,
stark bollock naked.
- He's tied to the bed, she's on top.
- Christ!
- What?
- You're smoking weed!
Yeah.
You came and gave a talk to the kids
and you're a police officer.
What is it that's bothering you?
The fact that I'm a police officer,
the fact that I'm smoking dope
or the fact that you haven't
got a fucking clue who I am?
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you go into the kitchen,
cook my dinner
and let the adults talk, OK?
Go on.
(Kurt) Come round again.
(Maggie) We'll see.
(Kurt) See you later.
(Maggie) See you later, bye.
- I thought they'd never go.
- They're fun.
- And I'm not?
- Not in the same way.
- If you'd rather be
- Food looks good.
- I hope it's not spoiled.
- Oh, shut up and eat.
(Simon sighing)
I just didn't think you'd want to meet
those dull teachers.
(Maggie) Wrong answer. It's not true.
It wasn't the right time or place.
- Wrong.
- Stop saying that!
- Then be honest.
- I am.
No, you're not.
(Sighs) So what's the reason, then?
You're embarrassed
because of what I do.
- No.
- You didn't want the kids to see
- that you had a policewoman
- Officer.
..officer as a girlfriend,
cos it'd ruin your cred.
- Bollocks!
- Admit it.
- How was the food?
- Fantastic. Admit it.
- Fuckin' hell!
- Go on!
All right, yeah. You're right.
I didn't want them
to see me with you.
I'm sorry, I'm an idiot.
If you'd been there as Maggie
it would've been fine.
And I didn't think it through
and I didn't think
how it might make you feel.
And I'm really, really sorry.
Hm. Wasn't so bad, was it?
Shall I get dessert?
Why don't we skip dessert?
(Door closing)
Don't worry, they won't come in here.
(Simon, whispering) Brian!
Brian!
What the hell are you doing
in my bed?
- We agreed!
- What?
- We had a deal.
- This isn't your room?
You said I could use your room.
- Did I?
- Oh, for fuck's
If I cooked for you twice a week
for the rest of term, remember?
Oh, yeah.
You made a deal with him?
What's wrong with my room?
- I don't believe this.
- Will you just go away?
I need a nice cooked meal occasionally.
- You were confident, booking a room.
- It wasn't like that.
- I'm only worth two meals?
- I'd have given my room for one.
Would you two
just get the fuck out of here!
(Brian) Sorry, I forgot.
(Simon) Just go to bed.
(Brian) How did it go?
(Kurt) He's banging her, isn't he?
I might've known.
What a fucking idiot.
It wasn't like that, really. I just
I just hoped we'd get back together
and if we did, only if,
I wanted somewhere for us to go
so it all wouldn't get spoiled.
It was either Brian's room
or the sofa bed in the front room,
and as far as I know
you're not into exhibitionism.
So I thought this would be
the better option.
As usual, in trying to make sure
I didn't cock up, I cocked up.
Couldn't organise a fucking
bun fight in Kipling's.
And you still haven't had your dessert.
I really, really wanted tonight to work.
I'm sorry.
(Sighs deeply) I'll phone for a cab.
- There's no need.
- You can't walk home this late.
No. No, I'm not.
(Maggie, giggling) Don't!
(Maggie) Don't do that!
Come here. Give me a kiss.
You, erm you missed a bit.
Mm. So, what about next week?
- For what?
- For me to meet your workmates.
This time without the, er, the uniform.
- I'm not quite sure if
- We could go out for a drink.
- Yeah, how's dessert?
- It's top, actually.
So I thought
Friday night would be good.
What with it being
end of the week and all that.
Yeah. Friday's good.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Great. Well, that's settled, then, isn't it?
Yeah.
(Simon) Actually, Fridays are difficult.
What with everyone going away
for the weekend.
(Maggie) Good night, Simon.