Tell Me Everything (2022) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Hello?
It's dad. Do you wanna
Colin the Caterpillar?
What?
For your birthday?
I'm at the supermarket.
-It's what you usually have, isn't it?
-Yeah, whatever.
-What are you up to?
-I'm out. I'm running.
Since when do you run?
Okay. Thanks, Gareth.
Is 15 too young to lose your
virginity, question mark.
-You whore. Really?
-Isn't that illegal?
No way.
Way, way.
I just thought he's fit.
He's not too annoying
and he's got condoms.
Oh so he's a keeper?
Nah but who wants to be the oldest
virgin in Welwyn Garden City.
-Louis?
-Zia.
Are you training for something?
No.
No I just like to keep a certain
level of cardio fitness.
Zia. I love your videos.
Oh thank you.
-Can I get a selfie with you?
-Yeah.
I'll tag you.
You're popular.
Went viral once dancing
in my bedroom.
I know, I saw. I mean, it went
viral right? Everyone saw.
I'll see you around.
Coolio.
Coolio?
I thought growing up was
supposed to be hard.
Some people definitely make
it look hard
but if anything it feels
like a bit of a game.
How are you?
How am I?
-Okay.
-Good. Me too.
-You are?
-Yeah. Yeah like good good.
Not just good bad.
You wanna
That's encouraging.
What do you think's changed?
This and that.
Well that's
really good to hear.
Same time next week?
Never too old for games.
Smashed it.
I'm 17 in four days which means
this is my last chance to make it happen
before I'm some sad old
person who's never
Summer fruit cider?
Do you think she likes me?
I think she likes me.
Well she went to your party,
you got off with her and she doesn't run
away screaming when you talk to her,
-Yeah but that's not exactly it, is it?
-Well what is it?
It. Doing it.
Oh you were in town Lou Lou,
what did you think she was gonna go down
on you outside Morrison's?
Hey do I get anything?
It's alright for you guys
but I'm still a, you know
What?
Oh a virgin?
Right this needs to calm down.
Where's your phone?
It's in my pocket.
-What you doing?
-Sending Zia a message.
Saying what?
Saying what?
There.
Oh shit! She wants to hang out.
Mate you got this, yeah,
you can do it.
'Cause there's no way you're still
gonna be a virgin when you're 22.
Yeah, I can do it. Can do it.
When you've finished doing it,
that's 28.70.
Oh the fuck!
If I'm hanging out with Zia tomorrow
I'm gonna go home, do some prep.
We did all that stuff at my school
in Year 11 so I've just been copy
and pasting since the start of term.
How are they gonna know?
Police, you're under arrest.
Copy and pasting.
Right. Let me know
if you wanna rent an essay.
Bye, Saj.
-Anyone sitting here?
-You are.
-Do you know Saj?
-No. Seems cool.
Don't be fooled
he's like a proper nerd.
Something's missing.
Is Louis not being
here freaking you out?
A bit. But this is okay.
Anything's better than that nutcase girl.
-Oh she's not a nutcase.
-She nearly bottled someone.
-Yeah but not really.
-Sounded pretty real to me.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Speak of the devil.
-Hi, Neve.
-Hey, Mei.
-I love your top.
-Thanks.
-What about my top?
-It's shit.
Your shit.
Right.
-Oh Jesus!
-I'm a bit busy right now.
Yeah, so am I
and all I can hear is
-Well we're nearly done.
-Oh fucks sake!
What do you want me to lie?
The time for playing games
is over, Jonny.
Yeah, I can see that. Do you want
something or are you on sex patrol?
Mum's been asked to do more
shifts at the hospital
and I'm gonna be away over the weekend.
I'm not sure when I'll be home.
Jen's managing the bar
but she can't lock up the back.
You know how to do it?
Yeah, me and dad used
to do it all the time.
Okay and she needs to go
I've transferred your birthday
money from gran.
She said don't spend it all on partying.
I said fat chance.
So what are you gonna spend it on?
Driving lessons.
I want driving lessons.
-Okay. Are you sure?
-Yeah. Why?
You do get quite car sick.
I wanna get myself places.
Go out more when I want.
Well look you don't need to pay
for lessons, I could teach you.
We can take the Jag although she's a bit
lairy around corners.
Your mum's old mini.
Nice and simple.
Morning.
You alright?
No Mei, today?
She's in bed.
-Andrew messaged me.
-Oh he's such a prick.
He lives here too.
-He's like some sort of fun hoover.
-I think he's got a point.
Oh come on.
Mei's here more than she's not
and you do seem to have a lot of
Hi, Ann.
Mei, I was just saying I think you're
both still studying you need to make sure
you're getting enough time for that
and to look after yourselves a bit.
It's fine, really. I should probably
go home anyway. It's fine.
I hate to get in the way.
Come here.
I should probably go home.
I promised I'd help out with my sister.
Okay, cool. Yeah.
We should go to yours this weekend.
Get away from incel
man-boy over there.
Yeah.
I'll have to check with mum.
She's finding things a bit hard
since dad died.
Of course. Yeah.
It was so weird, got like 30,000
followers and two million views
just from that one post.
Yeah I saw you were everywhere.
Yeah I think I'm gonna focus
on the views next.
Seems to be what gets
the most engagement.
It is so cool that
you wanna get into tech.
Yeah, digital entrepreneurship's
where it's at now.
I mean crypto currencies,
bit, doge and
I think it sounds cool. Is that
what your meeting was about?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Was Leah into crypto currencies?
Your ex?
You were just talking about her.
Oh no, no. That's not why I
chucked her though.
It's just we were growing apart.
She was really smart and hot as well.
Not as hot as you obviously.
Probably like um 7/10.
I don't normally do the whole
out of ten thing.
That's not it I'm just trying to you
know make more
I'm talking way too much,
aren't I?
Look I should probably go.
Would you wanna come back to mine?
My dad's not in so
I can't.
Oh, don't worry I
shouldn't have asked.
Tomorrow?
I could come back tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah, great, tomorrow, yeah.
So it's on yeah and you're gonna ace it.
Tonight is your night.
How am I supposed to know
how it all works?
Sex Ed was useless it was
just STI's and diagrams.
Porn, Lou. It's basically online
learning with orgasms.
I have watched porn you know.
I just don't trust it.
The average male penis is 5.8 inches
and then on porn it's 8 inches.
-I've been reading about it.
-Right well whatever gets you off.
Jonny, it's not funny.
I'm shitting it.
What happens if I fuck it up?
Seriously? Porn.
It's got everything.
If you can think it,
someone's doing it with someone else.
Someone's sat in the corner filming it
and a bunch of other people are wanking
themselves off into next week about it.
Just figure out what works for you.
Watch and learn, that's what I do.
No bullshit, I'm the CEO of sex
right now.
-Going alright with Mei then is it?
-Yeah. Hey.
-Hey you okay?
-Yeah heading over now.
-Great.
-Just one thing.
Something you haven't actually told me?
I don't know where you live.
-I'll send you a pin.
-Okay.
Hi, sorry I either can't get
to the phone right now
or I'm miles away from a signal.
Hi, mum. I know you'll probably call
on my birthday
I'm just phoning to say hi really
and to get your advice
on driving lessons
and some other stuff but
I guess we'll talk soon.
I love you, mum.
Fuck sake!
-What did you think of Saj?
-Why?
He asked me to ask
if you wanna meet up.
I'm not sure.
So Louis what we thinking?
What do you buy a walking panic
attack for their 17th birthday?
Well you've known him
and Jonny for years right?
Yeah, since he moved down
from the north somewhere.
-So what's he into?
-Right now? Sex.
It's normal to feel nervous.
This is the start of a journey
and you're just getting to know her.
Come on, turn around.
Gently. Right now rev her up a bit,
find the biting point.
That's it, you feel her?
Stop calling the car her.
It's a car.
Alright let's just pause a moment
and then fifth time lucky.
Are you still out tonight?
Yeah I won't be back
to the morning why?
-I might have someone over.
-Jonny?
No, no, it's not Jonny.
It's
A girl?
Yeah. A girl.
Okay.
Can I offer you some advice?
Yeah.
Don't get her pregnant.
Let's go again. Start her up.
I should have known you wouldn't be
able to do this.
Good luck tonight.
-Jonny.
-Hey.
-Surprise.
-We not going in?
-Something better.
-Where are we going?
Right, here we go.
That's Mr and Mrs Murphy.
Is that champagne?
It is and it's on the house
because you're celebrating.
-Yes. It's our anniversary. Week.
-One year.
One year, one week.
Well enjoy your stay.
We've gotta stop doing that.
Nobody listening in.
Nobody telling us what to do.
-You're crazy.
-That's why you like me.
What the hell does that do?
Where does it even go?
I have no idea.
It's got to be better than nothing.
Well what happened to Lizzie?
-We broke up.
-Oh shit. Sorry.
She wanted things to go
a lot faster than I did.
Things?
Do you think Louis
would like this?
Wow, so realistic.
I thought you would have
preferred Jonny.
-No. Why do you say that?
-No reason.
No. No, no.
If you say so.
So Saj, what's he like?
-You like that don't you?
-Yeah yes.
Harder. Yes, yes.
What are you thinking?
I was thinking about my dad.
He would love doing stuff like this
just for the hell of it.
I wish I had met him.
What about your dad?
You never say much about him.
There's not really much to say.
He wasn't much of a dad.
He never really bothered with me.
-I got an idea.
-Yeah?
You are locking up the pub tomorrow
and it's Louis's birthday.
What if we had a lock-in?
Keep it quiet.
No one would ever find out, would they?
Especially not your brother.
Invite a few mates and a few people
from college. Just for the hell of it.
Fuck it. Yeah alright.
It'll be sweet knowing we done it right
under that prick's nose.
-What?
-Wanna know a secret?
Your brother's paying for this.
What?
I mean his door was open.
How is he still living at home
when he's like 20 whatever?
The money was just sitting there in one
of his OCD drawers.
You took Andrew's money?
That okay?
Good film, wasn't it?
Have you seen the prequel?
Shit. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
-You fucking like that, don't you?
-What?
Do you like that?
Yeah.
Oh you're so fucking hot.
You're such a slut.
What the fuck!
-I'm sorry.
-What is wrong with you?
You're like some dumb kid who's watched
way too much porn.
This never happened okay.
Oh my god. You're such a wanker.
Fuck.
Oh for fuck sake.
You said latte right?
Vanilla latte.
But I'll forgive you.
Thanks. So the boys school?
It was alright. If you like rugby
and boys gagging to meet girls.
Parents never thought they
pushed me enough.
Dad used to email my school asking
for extra work,
till his laptop caught a virus.
Can't think how that got there.
Then they sent me to summer school.
It's actually how I got into coding.
Coding?
Coding's not just for nerds.
Alright, look, first programme I wrote
hacked the school's website.
Turned the homepage into a one
stop shop for Viagra.
That was you?
We were well impressed.
-Am I distracting you?
-No.
Look you've been on your phone
since the minute we met up.
-Sorry.
-I've gotta go. I'll see you around.
Thanks, Jen. See you later.
I took my first steps in here.
Had my first drink and first drink
induced puke both on the same night!
So it's only right that tonight I
take my place behind the bar
and say this is my pub.
What the fuck are you having?
I've been saying do this for ages.
About time dickhead.
-Yeah, well it was Mei's idea.
-Hey.
Thought we could do something
nice for Lou Lou.
Nice.
Just hope he turns up now.
He won't wanna miss this.
-Well
-Well what?
-How was the date?
-It wasn't a date.
Right, what are we getting huh?
What can I get you?
-Pint?
-Pint.
Hi guys I just wanted to come on and do
a little live video for you
all before I go out tonight.
Just adding the finishing touches
to my make up just using a little bit
of glitter on my lids
I thought you'd be out?
And I kinda thought you'd still have
company when I got back this morning?
No.
Stalled that too, did you?
But three, two, one.
Happy Birthday!
It's just I wasn't feeling him.
Saj is nice but
-What?
-He's a bit of a nerd. You said that.
Yeah or just clever. He's like
one of the nicest guys I know.
I wouldn't have suggested it
if he was a dickhead.
Oh he's nice.
He's really nice. Oh my god!
What?
Come on.
No, no I'm not.
Come on.
Oh I ain't doing it.
Just once, just once.
I'm not doing this. I don't wanna do it.
Alright. One time. Yeah, yeah.
Shots. This is the best night.
You're a legend.
-You're having fun, right?
-Yeah.
-Do you know them?
-Uh no.
Maybe? Oh it'll be fine.
People are having fun, Neve.
Thought Lou Lou
was our little stress princess?
-You do like him, don't you?
-We're just mates.
-Come on, Neve, it's obvious.
-Me and Jonny are mates.
Old, old friends.
You and me we've just met.
You don't know anything
about me, Regan.
I don't know why you think you can tell
me what is going on in my life.
-Hey.
-Hey.
Lou Lou, I've been messaging
you all day. How was it?
-Yeah, yeah, it was good, yeah.
-Yeah? Yeah. That's my boy.
Happy birthday. What else
did you get for your birthday?
Just money, driving lessons,
PlayStation.
A WhatsApp message from my mum
saying she's in the Amazon
so she can't call for ten days
or something.
Mate, I haven't actually
got you anything, yet.
-You are so useless.
-No apart from this.
Now the reason we're all here tonight
apart from the fact that it's my bar
and I've asked you all to be here,
the other reason is that my best mate
One of my best mates, one of them
is the birthday bastard boy.
Luigi.
I love this guy, man.
I love him he's the best.
And not only is it his birthday
but last night he lost his virginity.
Hey no. No I didn't.
I'm still a virgin
and probably always will be.
Lou.
Louis. Where you going?
It's your party.
It's not though, is it?
I don't drink and it's in a pub.
I know about five people in there,
Jonny.
-What happened with Zia?
-Nothing. Nothing happened.
I watched all the porn everything
I completed it. I still fucked it.
Why do I listen to you? Mr Everything's
so simple. It's not that easy for me.
Are you joking? It's not like you've got
so much to worry about,
I mean you're smart
you're a bit of a specimen.
Your parents are loaded. You've always
been the kid that has had everything.
Yeah. Yeah, that's me. Do you know how
many PlayStations I've got Jonny?
Four, I've got four PlayStations.
Gareth just keeps buying me them
and then forgetting.
Can't be bothered to tell him anymore.
So, I know my parents ain't dead
but sometimes I wish
Don't say that.
It's true. They don't take me seriously.
Nobody does.
-You're lucky you don't have to say it.
-Lucky.
-Lou Lou.
-Don't call me that!
-We've always called you Lou Lou.
-I know. I've always hated it.
-Who are all these people?
-What's wrong with you?
You have to stop this,
it's Jonny's pub.
We both know this isn't about
the pub. Jonny chose me.
Is this okay, Jon Jo?
Are you okay?
Give me that.
-Gotta stop. Get 'em out.
-No, Jonny, we don't, just enjoy it.
-No, they've gotta go. Get 'em out.
-Jonny, I thought you wanted this?
Getting older's a blast.
The partying,
the doing what you want.
Oh and the consequences.
You were late last night.
Have a good one?
Okay, easy on the clutch.
What did I say about going from three
to four, keep it smooth?
That was my emergency stop.
Where are you going?
Get back in the car.
You know maybe if you spent a few
more weekends at home
instead of fucking off with your mates
pretending you weren't middle aged
and maybe if you spent some more time
being a dad and a husband
instead of some wanna be Top Gear twat
then mum might have gave you
a second chance.
Maybe if mum put as much energy into
being a mum as she does into setting up
non-patriarchal eco-communities
in developing countries.
I'm sorry.
I'm not a kid anymore.
I know you're not.
Look, I know how hard this is,
this part of your life.
I've been there, remember?
I didn't want to be treated like a kid.
I wanted people to take me seriously.
Didn't help that I was a bit
of a late developer.
I was always the last of my
mates to do everything.
Even?
Yeah and then when I did,
the relief.
You know I thought finally I can
relax and just get on with being 16.
I'll clean up the pub.
I'll pay back the money that I took.
What money?
-I took some from your drawer.
-Oh my god.
I will pay it back.
How, Jonny? What with? You're lucky
it was Andrew that caught you.
The noise was so loud
when I pulled up,
it can't have been long till
someone called the police.
They know us, they used
to come to dad's lock-ins.
Yep well your dad's not here.
If mum loses the licence you
know what else we lose? Our home.
-Yeah ,well that's not gonna happen.
-It will if you don't grow up.
I don't wanna fucking grow up.
I've already had to.
I shouldn't have to know what
this is like!
Why the fuck should I have
to tell people my dad's dead?
Why shouldn't I fill this pub
like dad did?
Because it won't bring him back.
Come here.
You won't always feel like this.
I can't remember
not feeling like this.
Sorry. I will make it up to you,
I will.
Just tell me what you want me to do.
Anything.
I want you to stop seeing Mei.
Whatever you want.
Hi!
Morning, losers.
Dick.
-Alright here we go. Freddie?
-Yep.
-Alice?
-Yes.
-Hannah?
-Yep.
Neve? Neve?
-What?
-Are you here?
I think Neve's absent today.
-Robin?
-Yes, Lorna.
Lisa?
Zia. I didn't know he was gonna
say all that stuff. Jonny I mean.
Well you shouldn't have told him
we had sex in the first place.
I didn't. Not really.
But then I didn't tell him he was wrong
so it's just as bad.
I just thought I
wasn't good enough for you.
You get so much attention from guys
like here and on Insta.
I liked you, Louis, because you don't
look or sound or act like other boys.
You're different. Not just some clone.
That's what I liked.
Then you turned into a dick.
Really sorry.
You don't have to pretend Louis.
You are you.
People like you because of that.
Some girl is gonna love it. You.
Don't think she's your type.
I can't fucking stand her.
What does Jonny see in her?
I'm sorry.
You were right about Jonny and me.
-So what you gonna do?
-Nothing.
Neve if you want him,
go get him.
Look, I'd like to be taken a bit
more seriously from now on
and I'd like a bit more respect
from both of you. Okay?
-Yeah.
-Okay.
And I'm sorry about
the virginity speech.
The whole thing about parents
and dying I
Alright, see you later.
Have you seen Mei?
What is going on with you two?
Mum don't want me
to see her anymore?
Like you've ever done anything
your mum wants you to.
Yeah 'cause I don't know
what to do.
'Cause I've never felt like this
before, Neve.
If you want her,
go and get her.
-Don't know what I'd do without you.
-Piss off.
If I have to deal with the shit
bits of growing up
there's no way I'm missing out on
the good bits. The fucking great bits.
The door isn't unlocking properly.
Is Mei here?
No, I don't know where she is.
Probably with her dad.