The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e03 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Don Knotts.
( playing bluegrass music)
There he is again, Sheriff.
Arrest him.
Well, now
He's disturbing the peace.
Right in front of my
place of business.
Well, now let's be
realistic about that thing.
In your business,
I don't rightly see
who he could be disturbing.
He's disturbing me; that's who.
My business requires
quiet and dignity.
Dignity!
You know the law.
Town ordinance prohibits him
from playing on the street.
Well, yeah, you're right, but
well, then
Orville, he's right in
the middle of a chorus.
Now give him a chance to finish.
Thank you.
Howdy, Jim.
You sure are sounding
better than ever.
Yeah?
Yeah, boy.
Uh, listen, y'all
Orville, he's
getting a little upset
about us all standing
around out here
in the front of his
place of business.
Might be a good idea to
just move along all of us.
Appreciate it.
Andy?
Huh?
I got myself a new pick
from that store
in Winston-Salem.
Sure makes a
difference, don't it?
Yeah, boy.
That number was
some kind of pretty.
Thank ya.
You're welcome.
You're also under arrest.
Again?
Yeah.
Disturbing the peace.
Picked a good day
to get arrested though.
Oh?
Yes, sir.
Aunt Bee's fixing chicken
and dumplings for dinner.
Ridin' on that
new river train ♪
Ridin' on that
new river train ♪
Same old train
that brought me here ♪
Gonna take me back again ♪
Darlin', you can't love one ♪
Darlin', you can't love one ♪
Can't love one
and have any fun ♪
Oh, darlin', you
can't love one ♪
Sing, Barney.
BOTH: Ridin' on
that new river train ♪
Ridin' on that
new river train ♪
Same old train
that brought me here ♪
Gonna take me home again ♪
One more.
Ridin' on that
new river train ♪
Ridin' on that
new river train ♪
Same old train
that brought me here ♪
Gonna take me back again! ♪
Oh, that is good.
I mean to tell you.
Good now, Andy.
Hi, Aunt Bee.
Oh, Jim, it's so
nice to see you.
Wasn't that good, Aunt Bee?
It sure was.
You sure brighten up this
place when you get arrested.
He sure does.
Thank you again.
You know, Andy told me
we're going to have
chicken and dumplings.
And that is what it is.
Let's see. Let's see, let's see.
Mmm, don't that look
good enough to eat?
Hey, you know something?
I'd rather be
arrested by you folks
than anybody I know.
Andy.
You coming home for dinner?
Yes'm, I'll be
there pretty soon.
Soon as Barney eats.
You want to go ahead and eat?
Yeah, I'm about to faint.
Good. I'll have
everything ready.
Bye, Jim.
See you the next
time you're dragged in.
Bye, Aunt Bee.
I'll see you, Aunt Bee.
Jim?
Hmm?
Why in the world
don't you do something
about yourself?
What do you mean, Andy?
Well, you got a
fine talent there.
You the best guitar
player I ever heard.
Well, that's mighty
nice of you, Andy.
But Mayberry ain't very big.
Well, now who says you
gotta stay in Mayberry?
You've heard all these fellas
that come through here
playing in the shows.
How about that fella we see
every now and then on television
shaking and screaming?
Sound like somebody's
beating his dog.
You're better than all of them.
Well, now, I wouldn't say that.
Well, yes, you are, too.
You want some cream?
No, thank you.
You are. I know it.
If you went to New York or one
of the other big towns, and you
know, showed them what you got
why they'd say, "boy,
where have you been?"
Oh, yeah, they'd
say, "where you been
and why don't you go
back as fast as you can?"
You reckon?
Yeah. You know
what else they'd say?
"Don't call us,
boy; we'll call you."
I ain't got no phone.
No, Andy, that
wouldn't work at all.
Wouldn't you like to make
yourself some real money?
You know, folding kind?
Oh, that'd be nice.
Yes, siree.
Maybe even get to be
some kind of a celebrity?
Folks running around after you
wanting your autograph?
Yeah?
Yeah! It'd be worth learning
how to write just for that.
I tell you, Andy.
It's just that I don't
feel that I'm ready.
Well, when do you think
you gonna be ready?
When you're old and
got a long gray beard?
I tell you the truth
a thing like that can
interfere with your pickin'.
You're ready now, boy, and
you better do something about it.
You won't pay a bit of
attention to anybody, will ya?
You beat anything I
ever seen in my life.
I tell you the truth
I don't even know why
I bothered to arrest you.
You put that down, Talbott!
All right, hog 'em all yourself!
I've told you a hundred times
these are state criminals.
Now, the post office is only
supposed to put up Federals.
You know they ain't been
sending me none lately.
And how's it look
for a postmaster
to have a half-empty
bulletin board?
Talbott, your main
business is selling stamps.
Now with you, wanted
criminals is just a sideline.
Here I am set up with
all kinds of poster space
and I ain't got half
as many as you.
Now, Talbott, don't
go running down
that bulletin board of yours.
Why, you may not
have many posters
but one thing nobody
can take away
You got quality.
Huh?
Well, look there.
What do you see there?
Petty thieves, wife beaters.
Why, what we got there
can't begin to compare
with what you got
Train robbers, counterfeiters
smugglers.
Not to even mention
foreign spies.
And them are master criminals.
Yes, siree!
Why, our whole stock of
wanteds don't even come close
to one of your
pretty boy Floyds.
You know, I never
thought of it that way.
( chuckles)
Say, Talbott
now, uh, I want to
be fair about this.
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll trade you two wife
beaters for one smuggler.
Make it three. Three?!
And throw in one of
them moonshiners.
Then you throw in a
counterfeiter! No deal.
Aw, go on back to
your stamp cage.
And shine up
your little tin badge.
Aw, you clerk.
Hey, now! Simmer
down there, boys.
It's a fine thing
when two government
agencies can't cooperate.
I don't know why
you both can't look
at your bulletin
boards with pride
and count your blessings.
( horn blaring "my
dog has fleas")
Well, lookee yonder
Real live musicians.
I better get back
to the post office.
I might pick up some
money-order business.
"Bobby Fleet and
His Band With a Beat."
Did you ever hear of them?
No. No, the only band
that ever come through here
was that one-man
band from Altoona.
You remember? Yeah, I remember.
Wasn't that the fellow
that got all mixed up
and come dern near
popping his eyes out
blowing through the
wrong end of a clarinet?
Say, let's go see
if these fellows
are gonna do their
beating in Mayberry.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
They'll probably need
police cooperation
handling crowds,
parking, and such as that.
I 'spect.
Thanks, baby doll.
Here you are.
Never mind, honey.
I'll handle this.
All right, fellas, who
ordered a clean glass?
Honey,
could you rustle up
a little something
Like, even a menu?
We want to be out of here
at least be Judgment Day.
Here, take your water.
Howdy. You fellas
gonna be playing
somewhere around town?
Town? Did you hear that, fellas?
This is a town.
( men laughing)
Yeah, it's the town of Mayberry
and I'm Sheriff Taylor.
Well, glad to know you, sheriff.
Hey, what's on the flip side?
"If lost, please
return to Wyatt Earp."
( men laughing harder)
( chuckling)
Yeah, that was pretty good.
How long was it you said
you's gonna be staying?
I tell ya, if we don't get
some service soon
Well, here she comes now
The cannonball express.
Ah, you gorgeous hunk
of feminine pulchritude
how would you like to be
our new champagne lady?
Say, are you fellas
really looking for talent?
Because if you are
Don't tell me.
You got somebody
right here in Mayberry.
Yeah, we have.
Jim Lindsay's his name.
Sorry, Hiram.
Got to go.
Uh, hey, honey,
I'll tell you what.
We'll make it easy on you.
We'll all have today's special.
Okay, fellas, if
one goes, we all go.
( laughter)
You know something, fellas?
You know, if they ever had
a beauty contest in this town
nobody would win.
( laughter)
You was awful nice to
that smart-alecky feller.
He's one of them joke crackers.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, it's a good thing
he didn't start in on me.
I might have just
had to give him
a butt in the choppers.
Oh, now, Barney, you
know better than that.
Well, I'm a mean
man when I get riled.
Takes some a bit of doing but
you can bring out the bear in me.
Much as I dislike that fella
I still wish I could
get him to hear Jim.
Jim would make it if he
had a chance, you know.
I reckon my temper'll
do me in one day.
Too bad they ain't
staying overnight.
Wait a minute.
Huh?
How come you reckon
we allow this
curious-looking outfit here
to park on our main street?
Well, I don't know.
Because we got a sign there
that says "parking one hour"?
Well, yeah, but the way I see it
that means parking
one hour for one car.
Yeah?
Well, now, it's plain
to see this outfit here
takes up as much
space as two cars.
Yeah. Yeah, it does.
Now, the way I see it
this here thing is only
entitled to a half a hour.
30 minutes for each end.
You know, you got a
fine head for a lawman?
Well
Now, how long you
figure they've been here?
Well, it was about
1:30 when they come.
Well, in just a little bit,
they'll be violating the law.
Yeah. You gonna turn
me loose on them then?
It'll be your responsibility.
No, now we'll just go in quiet-
like and have a cup of coffee.
All right, but keep
an eye on me.
I'm dangerous
when I get worked up.
Come on, tiger.
Guilty as charged.
That'll be $20 or
24 hours in jail.
20 fish for a
crummy parking rap?!
Well, we try to keep it
low for the first offense.
Yeah, and how much
of the 20 do you stick
in your own kick?
Ohh, I wish you
hadn't of said that.
I mean, I don't mind
a insult personally
but, why, you've offended
the dignity of my robes.
Now, let's see.
What is
our price for robe
dignity offending?
Why, that's $50.
$50?!
Yeah, plus the 20.
That's 70 all together.
Aw, come on, now!
Look, Sheriff, there's no reason
to get hot under
the collar over this.
I mean, you've got your
job to do, and I've got mine.
Now, uh Oh, that reminds me.
We're going to be
playing in the capitol
over the weekend.
Now, how would you
and your fine deputy here
like to come and see us, huh?
I'll see that you
have a big time.
Oh, you'll be my
guests, of course.
Oh
Now, you have really done it.
What? What, what, what, what?!
Well, you just tried
to bribe me is all.
That's the worst
thing anybody can do.
I hate to tell you
what the fine is on that.
Never mind I don't
care what the fine is.
I'm not going to pay it.
Oh, you mean you'll
take the 24 hours?
That's just what I mean.
No hick sheriff is
going to bleed me.
We'll all stay overnight.
Well, that's the
way it'll be then.
Deputy, lock up the
prisoners. Glad to!
All right, let's move it along!
Come on, on the double there!
Come on, let's look sharp!
Look, sharp!
Come on, get in there.
And suck in that gut!
Oh, don't worry about your bus.
It'll be fine right out
there on the street.
Prisoners all
locked up, Sheriff.
Want me to work 'em over?
You go get Jim Lindsay
and bring his guitar
along with him.
Yeah.
Kind of nice being part
of the show business.
Paw!
I'm home from school, Paw.
Hi.
You seen my Paw?
He's the sheriff.
You mean he's human
enough to have kids?
Huh?
Never mind.
He stepped out for a minute.
Oh.
Paw musta rounded up a gang.
You look like from the city.
Are you a criminal?
According to your Paw I am.
Paw's never wrong.
What crime did you do, criminal?
I didn't do anything.
Your old man framed
the whole thing
The hick troublemaker.
Ow!
Ow, you
What in the world's goin' on?
That kid's a little monster.
He called you a
hick troublemaker
so I kicked him.
Opie!
H-he didn't mean it.
I did, too!
Now, Opie, you hush that.
You gonna have
him not likin' us.
What do we want a
criminal to like us for?
Well, never mind.
You hurry up and go on home now.
Hurry up.
Sheriff, Sheriff
Jim wouldn't come.
He says he ain't
going to play for a feller
that's settin' behind
bars and forced to listen.
Well, don't that beat
anything you ever heard of?
All right, if he won't
take advantage
of this one chance in a million
I reckon we'll just
have to do it for him.
Deputy Fife, I
hereby authorize you
to arrest Jim Lindsay
and his guitar with him.
Yes, sir. Okay.
What'll I arrest him for?
Disturbin' the peace.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Supposing he ain't
disturbin' the peace?
Well, then, haul him
in for questioning.
Questioning. Yeah.
Yeah, questioning.
What kind of questioning?
We'll figure out some.
Now, go on.
Here he is, Sheriff.
He put up a fuss,
but I brought him.
Oh, fine work, Deputy.
Well, look, Andy, make
him put that gun away.
Now, he's liable
to hurt somebody.
Oh, I don't see how he can.
'Tain't got no bullets in it.
It ain't?
Oh, well, that's different.
Now, now, wait a minute.
You was still brought
in by a officer of the law
for questioning.
Questioning?
Yeah.
Oh, that's silly
Now, lookee here, boy
I-if you make one more move
I'm gonna have to
arrest you for resisting.
Andy, I believe
You moved.
Lock him up, Deputy.
Come on, Jim.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Hey, Jim, I'd like
you to meet Mr. Fleet.
Oh, yeah, I saw
his fancy wagon outside there.
Look, Sheriff, you hauled me in
just to bug me with this kid
Well, you're wasting your
time, I'm not gonna listen.
Well, don't get your
fur to flyin', mister.
Because I got no intentions
of playin' to you
or anybody else.
That's great. I'm in no
mood for a hillbilly concert.
Hillbilly concert?
You wouldn't
appreciate good music
Now, now, now, gentlemen
Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet!
Just hold it down.
This is a jailhouse.
Let's show some respect.
Go ahead, Sheriff.
Thank you, Deputy.
Gentlemen, are you implyin'
that a man in my office
would stoop to trickery?
That cuts me
deep.
Now, I arrested you on
a legal parking charge.
I arrested prisoner Lindsay here
on a legal resistin' charge.
You saw it yourself
Ain't that right, Deputy?
Right as rain.
Matter of fact, I'm
shocked anyone
would even think
that Sheriff Taylor here
would stoop so low
as to use his high office
for anything as sneaky
as gettin' you two in here
so's one could hear the other.
I'm more than shocked.
I'm outraged.
I appreciate them
loyal words, Deputy.
Well, I meant 'em, Sheriff.
What number are
you gonna play, Jim?
Ah-ha! I knew it.
Well, I'm not gonna
play for anybody.
Well, I reckon you
know your own mind, Jim
but it seems a shame
to let this fine
guitar go to waste.
What was that piece
you was playin' this morning?
Oh, he was in
rare form, Mr. Fleet.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Look here, Andy,
you're not gonna
trick me into playin'.
Because I said I wasn't
gonna play and I ain't.
Sherriff, now can we go?
Oh, come on, Sheriff, we got
an overnight jump to make.
Hush a minute.
Aww, look, he said
he wasn't gonna play
Hush, hush a minute.
Jim, would you tune
this thing for me?
I ain't playin'.
Well, I don't
want you to play
Just tune it so I can.
All right, I'll tune it
but from then on,
you're on your own.
Okay.
( dissonant strumming)
Aw, that's beautiful.
Beautiful.
Hey, Sheriff, you were right
This kid is dynamite.
Hey, fellas, you listenin'?
Go on, kid, keep playin'.
Aw, naw, it can't be.
Is that a guitar or a
harp from heaven?
( men laughing)
Go ahead, kid, keep lookin'
for what you're lookin' for.
Go on, keep lookin', kid.
You got it.
It's the key of
"s". He found it.
( men laughing)
( tuned strumming)
( rockabilly beat)
( trumpet joins in)
That's great.
Well, now, Mr. Fleet
that wasn't too bad, was it?
Looked like you kinda
enjoyed yourself there.
Yeah. Yeah!
You like him?
Well, let's put it this way, uh
I dig him.
That's nice.
Uh, tell me something, Mr. Fleet
if-if you was lookin'
for a guitar player
and if Jim here
was available, uh
would you hire him?
FLEET: Yeah. I could
always use a good guitarist.
That's too bad, Jim.
If you was ready, look
like you would have a job.
Uh, Mr. Fleet, uh,
if Jim was ready
and if you was to hire him
and if you was
ready to talk money
Well, the money
now, Jim you're
interruptin' me
right in the
middle of my iffin'.
What I was gonna say is, uh,
how much you
reckon you'd pay him?
To start?
Oh, uh, 75, maybe
a hundred a week.
Oh, that's
now there you've
insulted the boy.
Huh?
Why, he can't work
for little bitty
money like that.
Why he can make more
than that messing around here
playin' at church socials
and openings of feed stores.
What are you, Charlie
A sheriff or an agent?
Oh, I'm just Jim's friend.
I reckon he'll
have to think on it
and decide after that.
And in the meantime, though
Uh, you don't call
him, he'll call you.
Now, wait a minute.
Wait just a doggone
minute here, everybody.
Now, you two've
been talkin' over me
like a Spavine horse
on an auction block.
Now I'd like to say
something if you don't mind.
Look, Mr. Fleet
now, I don't rightly
care about the money
right at this moment
but the most important thing is
am I good enough for your band?
If I am, then you just say so
and then we'll talk about
the money afterwards.
Now, let's take
first things first.
Do I get that job with
your band or don't I?
Yeah, kid. I said
I'd take you on.
Well, I'd be obliged to you.
Okay, get your stuff and
be at the car in 15 minutes.
Yes, sir.
Let's go, boys.
So long, Sheriff.
Say hello to Tonto.
All right.
We'll see you, boys.
It was real nice havin' you.
Come back when you can.
Andy, I don't know
I wouldn't waste much
time talkin' if I was you.
You ain't got but 15 minutes.
You better get
your stuff together.
He said he was leavin'.
Yes, sir.
And I'm goin' with him.
Hey, Jim, one thing
about this fella Fleet
Yeah?
Uh, he digs you
so you be nice and
dig him back, you hear?
Yeah, I'm glad things worked
out the way they did, Mr. Fleet.
Yep. Who expected to find
a talented kid like him here?
Oh, we got a lot of talented
people here in Mayberry.
Yeah, we got a harmonica
player folks think's pretty good.
How about that.
Yeah. Would you
like to hear him?
Oh, no, it might be
too much trouble.
Oh, no trouble at all.
( playing "Jingle Bells")
Barney, I don't
think he digs you.