The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show (1983) s01e03 Episode Script

Wake up! Wake up!
I'm doing a report for school
on our animal friends.
Look, all I want is a
little inside information.
For instance, what do animals
think about all day?
Besides eating and sleeping, I mean.
This is my report on
our animal friends.
Now, many of you city
kids are not acquainted
with nature's noble creatures.
Therefore, as a special treat,
I have brought for you
today a real live animal.
What is it? A chicken?
Now, in my report,
I shall discuss various animals
such as the one I have here.
Afterwards, if there are any questions,
I shall be happy to answer them.
It looks like a moose to me.
Some people think that animals
were put here on Earth
to serve humans.
One wonders what sort
of response we might get
if we were to ask the animals.
Maybe we shouldn't ask the animals.
Now, this animal I have brought
here today is called a dog.
You're kidding.
You're putting us on.
I still think it's a small moose.
I agree.
All right you guys, cut it out.
Here, Moosey, Moosey, Moosey.
How do we know that's a real dog?
Yeah, maybe it's a kid in a dog suit.
Animals are usually friendly
unless needlessly provoked.
Well, it could have
been a kid in a dog suit.
Today, for show and tell,
I have brought my brother's dog.
Which may turn out to be the
biggest mistake of my life.
The dog is regarded
as the friend of man.
This particular breed is
generally quite gentle.
And this particular dog is
both gentle and intelligent.
Although he does have his faults.
Such as flirting with
the girl in the front row.
I got an A on my report, Snoopy.
Because you are such a big help,
I'm going to treat you
to an ice cream cone.
You aren't that big of a help.
All I have to do is kick it, right?
Right.
What if it kicks me back?
I've decided I don't want to kick it.
Why not?
What did it ever do to me?
This ball is hissing at me.
Maybe some of the air is leaking out.
No, I think it's hissing at me.
This ball hates me.
I'm not going to stand here while
some stupid ball hisses at me.
Well then, kick it.
I think I scared it.
It just passed out.
Charlie Brown!
I can't believe it.
She must think I'm the
most stupid person alive.
Come on, Charlie Brown.
I'll hold the ball and you will kick it.
Hold it! Ha!
That's a laugh.
You'll pull it away and I'll kill myself.
Why, Charlie Brown?
How can you say that?
Don't I have a face you can trust?
Don't I have an innocent look about me?
Look at the innocence in my eyes.
She's right.
If a girl has innocent looking eyes,
you simply have to trust her.
This time, I'm going to keep
that football clear to the moon.
What you have learned
here today, Charlie Brown,
will be of immeasurable value
to you for many years to come.
Look, Schroeder.
Love beads.
I made them especially for you.
You look great.
My making those beads
and you're wearing them
indicates our love for all mankind
and a personal
fondness for each other.
What do you mean fondness?
I don't even like you.
Give me back those beads.
I'll give them to someone
who'll appreciate them.
Do you think it's possible for someone
to be in love and not know it?
You mean me, don't you?
You're talking about me, aren't you?
Why don't you just come
right out and say it?
Why don't you admit it?
Why don't you just ask me
if I think it's possible that I'm in
love with you and I don't know it?
Schroeder, do you think it's possible
that you're in love with
me and you don't know it?
No!
Love drives me crazy.
I get dizzy thinking about it.
It staggers the imagination.
Just think,
out of the billions and billions
of snowflakes that have fallen,
no two have ever been alike.
It makes the mind reel.
Lucy! Lucy! Come quick!
I saw them! I saw them!
I saw two snowflakes
that were exactly alike!
Come quick!
That's funny. They were
around here somewhere.
What are you making?
These are snow bunnies.
They look real cute.
Can I help you, Lucy?
No, you can't help me!
Get out of here!
Make your own things!
And don't bother me anymore!
Do you hear me?
Little brothers can sure
be a nuisance sometimes.
I am king of all I survey.
This fortress is unassailable.
This is an impregnable fortress.
No one can take it.
I could defend this position
from a hundred attackers.
I have ammunition enough
to fight the whole day.
This fortress stands
firm and unyielding.
It is like the Rock of Gibraltar.
It is like
You'll notice that you had to
use strategy, though, didn't you?
Hey! Pretty good shot, eh, Linus?
Don't you wish you could
throw a snowball that far?
For the first time in my life,
I have a slight idea of how
Goliath must have felt.
What a big snowball!
You'll never be able
to throw it, Lucy.
You made it too big.
Girls sure do some stupid things.
She makes a snowball so
big she can't even throw it.
Ha ha ha ha!
I never thought she'd
pick up the spare.
You're kite string is tangled
around my nose, Chuck.
This isn't very flattering, Chuck.
I suppose if I had a cute little
nose like a beauty queen,
this wouldn't have happened.
But none of us can help the
way we look, can we, Chuck?
Get your kite string
off my nose, Chuck.
Come on, Chuck.
I'll show you how to fly a kite.
Wow!
Some kite, huh, Chuck?
Beautiful.
I don't know how you
ever got it up so high.
It wasn't hard.
Here, would you like to hold
the string for a minute?
Are you sure you want me to?
Of course, Chuck.
Why wouldn't I?
No reason.
Charlie Brown, how in the world?
I don't want to talk about it.
I give up.
I'll never get this kite in the air.
You know what makes
kind of a good hobby?
Saving string.
My report?
Yes, ma'am.
My report is ready.
My report is on the
Kite?
Uh, what kite?
Oh, this kite here.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I've been sort of tangled up
in it for the past three days now.
And I can't seem to get it loose.
So I've just been kind of
learning to live with it and
I wonder why teachers sigh so much.
Stupid kite!
Since you have so much of a
problem flying a kite, Chuck,
why don't you fly paper airplanes?
Here, fold these papers into airplanes
and you can have a whole flying circus.
That's a good idea.
It looks easy. I'll try it.
Linus was right.
Of all the Charlie Browns in the world,
you're the Charlie Browniest.
Say, I thought we were going to
take turns using that umbrella.
Well, we were.
But I've decided that as long
as you're all wet already,
there's really no sense in
my giving you the umbrella.
Because then, I would get wet, too.
That wouldn't make
any sense, would it?
No, it wouldn't.
So much in this world depends
upon who gets born first.
Look, do you think I enjoy
bossing you around?
Do you honestly think that just
because I'm your older sister,
I actually enjoy
telling you what to do?
Do you really think I enjoy it?
Yes.
How did you know?
I brought you a piece of toast.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, dear sister.
Thank you, dear sister.
Thank you, dear sister,
greatest of all sisters.
Thank you, dear sister,
greatest of all sisters.
Thank you, dear sister,
greatest of all sisters,
without whom I'd never survive.
Thank you, dear sister,
greatest of all sisters,
without whom I'd never survive.
You're very welcome.
How can I eat when I feel nauseated?
What's this?
It's a project for school.
We're supposed to draw
someone in our family.
I noticed you haven't
put in the mouth yet.
Well, uh, there's really no hurry.
It doesn't have to be finished today.
In fact, I was just thinking
of quitting and
Put in the mouth.
I want to watch you.
No, I think I'll wait.
It's wrong to rush a work of art.
There's no real hurry anyway.
I think I'll just wait.
Put in the mouth!
It's hard to draw well
when your hand is shaking.
I have a sliver in my finger,
and I can't get it out.
No problem.
I'll find a pair of tweezers,
and we'll have it out in no time.
Okay, here we go.
That's close enough.
How can I get the sliver out of your
finger if you won't let me near you?
I don't want you poking
around with those tweezers.
OK, wise guy, how are
you going to get it out?
If I shake my hand real hard,
maybe it'll fall out.
All right, which finger has a sliver?
This one? Good.
Hold still now while I
I said to hold real still.
No, you said to hold still.
Real still is when
you don't move at all.
This is holding still.
You have a sliver, too?
Let me see.
I hope you're not as big a
coward as my stupid brother.
Hold real still now while I
It's going to hurt.
Now what did you say that for?
All right, you two.
This is ridiculous.
I'm not performing
open-heart surgery.
I'm just taking out two tiny slivers.
I want you both to
stand perfectly still.
And act like men.
Well, he's a dog,
and I'm just a little kid.
What's the matter?
My life is a drag.
I'm completely fed up.
I've never felt so
low in my whole life.
When you're in a mood like this,
you should try to think of things
you have to be thankful for.
In other words, count your blessings.
Ha! That's a good one.
I could count my
blessings on one finger.
I've never had anything,
and I never will have anything.
I don't get half the breaks
that other people do.
Nothing ever goes right for me.
And you talk about counting blessings?
And you talk about being thankful?
What do I have to be thankful for?
Well, for one thing, you have
a little brother who loves you.
Every now and then,
I say the right thing.
Time out, time out.
Hold it a minute, Charlie Brown.
You were wrong, Frida.
I told you you were wrong.
I told Frida she was wrong,
but she wouldn't believe me.
She said you could see the ocean
from up here, but I knew you couldn't.
I'm glad my outfielders have
such interesting discussions.
Strike this next guy out,
Charlie Brown.
You can do it.
I'll do my best.
You know me.
I'm always in there trying.
Don't tell me you're thinking
about eating at a time like this.
Are you out of your mind?
Get back to your position.
And take that stupid
supper dish with you.
Pay attention to the ball game.
I suppose it wouldn't hurt to let him
have a little snack between innings.
We've had it, Charlie Brown.
We're going to lose again.
We're doomed.
Don't say that.
Our team never gives up.
How could we possibly win?
We're terrible.
We can win because
we've got determination.
Keep a stiff upper lip is our motto.
How's this?
That's great.
Now you're the next batter.
Keep a stiff upper lip.
And show that pitcher that
you've got fire in your eyes.
Oh, show him a firm jaw, too.
If you have a firm jaw,
you can't lose.
Keep a stiff upper lip.
And show their pitcher that you have
fire in your eyes and a firm jaw.
We may win the ball game,
but he's ruining my face.
We need a run.
We need a run.
Hey, manager.
What will you give me
if I hit a home run?
A home run?
You've never hit the ball out of
the infield in your whole life.
If I hit a home run,
will you give me a kiss?
If you hit a home run,
I'll meet you at home plate
and I'll give you the
biggest kiss you've ever had.
Incentive!
Remember now, Schroeder,
if I hit a home run,
you promise to meet me at
home plate and give me a kiss.
No problem.
She's never hit the ball out of
the infield in her whole life.
Come on, Lucy! You can do it!
If you hit a home run,
maybe we'll all give you a kiss.
She did it!
She hit a home run!
And you're gonna have to stand
out by home plate and kiss her.
You promise.
Cheese and ink for home.
It's kissing time!
Okay, Schroeder. This is it.
You promised to kiss her.
A promise is a promise.
Forget it.
If that's the only way I'll ever
get you to kiss me, forget it.
Another triumph for women's lib.