The Cleaner (2021) s01e03 Episode Script

1
What?
You all right?
Hiya.
You here to see Mr Bedford?
Yeah. Well, sort of.
He's dead. No, I know.
I'm here to, uh
What?
I'm here to
clean up the blood. What?
I'm here to
clean up his blood!
I'm a crime scene cleaner.
Well, why are you ringing the
doorbell if you know he's dead?
I thought his relatives
might be in, no?
No, he didn't have any.
Just a dog.
Well, here's the thing -
some dogs can open
doors these days.
My mate Daz, he taught his dog
to walk on its hind legs.
In the end, that's
the only way it walked.
It was weird
seeing him round town.
It just looked like
he was hanging out with a hairy kid
that kept shitting on pavements.
Good chat.
Ah, no. Argh!
What the?
This felt more polite.
Right.
Got another dog story?
I am so sorry about that.
It's so stupid of me
going on about walking.
What? Eh?
Um, my phone's run out of charge,
and I've got the
wrong keys for next door
and it's chucking it down. OK.
I couldn't plug it in,
could I? Phone the boss.
Save me running back
to the office.
I can't imagine you've done
a lot of running lately.
You can use my phone.
Really? Get up!
You OK?
Yes, it's middle age, isn't it?
The old legs
not what they once were.
Bad legs.
Ba-a-ad legs!
I'll just get my stuff.
Uh, what's in the lunch box?
A ham sandwich.
Well, that can stay out there.
Why?
I'm vegan.
Course you are.
Charger.
Thanks.
Eeee
This is so nice of you.
Are you surprised to meet
a nice disabled person?
Dis You're not
Are you dis? You
You're not disabled.
You shouldn't say that
about yourself. You're special,
and not special needs.
I bet you've got exams,
have you? Course you have.
Can you re
Course you can read! Come on!
So you didn't notice
the wheelchair?
Yeah, I suppose I did.
My peripheral vision,
I must have clocked it,
like you do with fat people,
I must have thought,
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, fat."
Fat?
You're not fat, you're thin.
Not too thin. You're about
the right weight, are you?
The phone's in there. Yeah!
Left!
It's here!
Fucking hell.
It's fine.
When are they sending someone?
Yeah? No, no, it's fine.
Yeah, I can wait, course.
All right. All right, boss.
They're sending someone over.
Well
I'll be off.
Uh, hey!
Yes?
Well
Please could you get the orange?
Oh! Yes, of course.
Yeah, I just
I didn't like to presume.
Presume what?
Presume you didn't have a system.
A system for getting an orange
out from under a sofa?
Yeah, yeah. My mate works
at a rehabilitation centre
for, um And he says,
"You should never presume -
"they might find it humiliating."
They? Yeah.
They. Them.
You Legs.
Well, in this instance,
isn't it just being nice
to get the orange for me?
Of course. I shouldn't be
listening to Weasel anyway.
He shouldn't be allowed to work
there. He's a dirty bastard.
He'll bone anyone.
Oh, even me?
Oh, my God, he'd be all over you.
And do I not want to get boned?
Not by Weasel.
He's only got three teeth.
Could you just get
the orange for me, please?
I'll get the orange. Thank you.
Uh-oh, old legs playing up again?
My bloody back's gone. Oh, has it?
Do you mind if I just
Sor Sorry.
There she blows.
That's sore.
Ooh, it stings.
Oh, when it goes, it goes.
Look, can I wait here
till they come?
Course. I didn't like to presume.
Oh, yeah, that's funny,
because of the, uh, the legs.
It's not just murders.
Sometimes it's suicides
or just accidents, you know.
So what happened to Bedford?
Oh, I shouldn't say.
What? Tell me.
Well, he was on his
own when he died,
and they didn't find him
and his dog was there. So it, uh
What? It sort of
..ate his head a bit.
Good.
Good?
Well, he never walked that dog.
He deserves to get his
head eaten by it. Oh, right.
So I'm not allowed to
have a ham sandwich,
but it's all right for a dog
to tuck into Mr Bedford?
Into his headford?
Of course, it's a dog!
It doesn't know any better.
Yeah. Mr Bedford's deadford,
so dog ate his headford.
It's not appropriate, this,
is it? Any of this? No. No.
Oh.
Landline? Old school.
Yeah, Mum's idea.
It's a good backup, apparently.
This'll be her now.
She's probably worried
you're stuck under the sofa
trying to get a trapped orange.
Um, uh, hi, Helena.
Itit's me.
Um, look, I'm sorry to call,
it's just, I
I'm do I'm doing
pretty terrible at the moment,
and I Oh.
And I needed toto hear
the sound of your voice. I just
Um, I-I thought
it would be a good idea to
..to look atat some photos
Read this
..um, of us, you know,
as part of aa healing
process, I suppose, but
I just I just miss
you so much, Helena.
I thought I'd get over it,
but I can't.
Oh, God!
I'm sorry.
Oh, shall I?
I didn't call just to
I didn't call just to cry
at you down the phone,
but these photos, I just
..I love you.
Bye.
Mm
Wrong number?
What?
It's all I could think to say.
It was that or put
my whole fist in my mouth.
When did you split up?
Two months ago.
I'm sorry.
Don't be. It was his fault.
He knew what he was getting into,
he said he could adapt,
but he couldn't.
Believe me, he couldn't.
Look,
I know it's normal for you,
but it must have been
a big change for him.
Well, then, he couldn't have cared.
Come on.
I mean,
if you're not used to
Even holding hands must be weird,
mustn't it?
What?
You must feel that, any minute,
you could get carried away
and just bowl you,
straight into a river maybe.
And then what?
What happens if he books
a restaurant with a tall table?
What are you talking about?
Well, you'd know better than me,
but book the wrong place and
..he's going to be eating
with a floating head, isn't he?
He couldn't handle
the fact that I'm vegan.
What?
We split up because he couldn't
cope with my veganism, you idiot.
Of course!
Of course, that's going to be
a real lifestyle clash
as well, isn't it?
I mean, what's all this bullshit?
Do you want another cup of tea?
I've got a really dry mouth.
Have you got a dry mouth?
I'll make it, you stay
Yeah, lovely.
Lovely cup of tea, isn't it?
He said it wasn't
a problem at the start.
He said he'd been thinking
about it anyway because
a lot of people at his
work had gone full vegan.
It was perfect. And then
..my friend saw him
at the supermarket,
and all he had in his basket
was one big pork chop.
One big pork chop?
One big pork chop.
Please tell me
you didn't end a relationship
over one big pork chop?
No, of course not.
Thank God for that,
I was going to say!
A pinch of salt,
15 minutes under the grill,
it's like it never existed.
Lovely big pork chop.
I have physio on Tuesdays,
and he always said
he went to meet a friend.
I knew it, I knew it.
And I suppose
..she could walk, couldn't she?
It was his friend Toby.
He's gay?
Gay Gareth, gay Toby, both walkers.
You poor thing.
They were in a steak house!
That's bad. Is it?
Yeah.
I confronted him there and then.
I could barely stand
to be in the building.
The stench of death was everywhere.
He didn't even try and deny it.
Said he's been going there
every week for a "meat orgy".
A meatorgy?
Mm. While I was in
there, they brought out
a bucket of chicken wings.
I thought I was going to be sick.
Ah, tell me about it.
Disgusting, aren't they?
There's nothing on 'em.
It's like sucking
a little skeleton.
Oh, for God's sake.
Eh?
Jeez.
It is!
Did you really dump him
just cos he goes for a
steak every now and then?
Well, you might be happy to date
a mass murderer, but I'm not.
It's clear you've had
a few burgers, isn't it?
Ah, come on!
Yeah, it's fine to
kill and eat animals.
Maybe I should date
a people-trafficker next,
get myself a nice slave
to do my housework.
You can't compare. They're animals!
You're old enough
to remember The Smiths,
aren't you?
Did Morrissey not get to you?
Yeah, Meat Is Murder's a great song,
so is Fuck Tha Police.
I don't take songs literally.
I have had sex
with a policewoman, though.
Look, you think
It was a dry hump.
You think that a human
is more important than
an animal, obviously.
Well, yeah, if I'm honest. Why?
Well, because we know
we're alive, don't we?
Cos we can talk
and we can wa Heh.
Walk upright? Ah, no.
You can't get me like that.
I told you about my friend's dog.
Oh, will you stop
with your friend and his dog
walking on its hind legs?
I would have reported him
for animal cruelty.
The dog liked it.
It made his lipstick come out.
Oh, right, well, shall we get
some photographs up, shall we?
There's no need.
Oh, come on,
we've got a nice one here,
of a calf being slaughtered,
and a few of some baby chickens
being thrown through the grinder.
It'll really sharpen up
your appetite.
I've seen the vegan stuff.
I get it.
I just don't think you can compare
humans and animals, that's all.
Because humans are
aware they're alive,
because they're sentient?
Well, yeah. Fine.
Then go down to the old people's
home, eat an Alzheimer's patient.
Oh, don't be daft. Why not?
They don't know what's going on.
You can have yourself
a nice Alzheimer's ribeye.
I don't want
an Alzheimer's ribeye.
Well, why don't you
go down to the hospital,
eat a nice coma victim curry?
Stop making up
delicious human dishes!
Look, I can see I'm winding you up.
I'm going to go and wait outside.
Fine, go! You stink of death anyway.
God.
For the record,
the reason I stink of death
is, this morning, I cleaned up
the body of a woman who'd been
killed in an armed robbery.
She had three children.
Shall I tell them
it could have been worse?
She could have been caught
going for a steak with Gareth!
I like a steak myself!
I'm a carnivore, and you're
not going to spoil it for me!
I'd love to see your face
if you had to kill a cow.
I've thought about this, actually,
and I could kill a cow!
You wouldn't know how to.
You're like all meat-eaters,
a coward!
I'd punch a cow
as soon as look at it.
And then I'd eat it! Raw!
Sorry about this, mate.
I'm having a row with a
disabled girl about eating meat.
Which reminds me,
don't get me started about Quorn!
Are you there?
She's gone.
Hello, love. Hiya, Mum.
Fancy a hot pot?
Yes, come in. Yay!
Oh, Gareth,
you have been wronged!
Yeah, no, of course.
Yeah, no, I'm still here.
Yeah.
Tell him to take his time.
No, I'm happy to wait.
I want to wait.
Cheers, Mum. Got to go.
OK. See you later, darling.
Oh, see you, Mum. Thanks!
Bye! Love you. Love you!
Bye! Bye!
Hello?
Oh. Hello.
What do you want? I just wanted
to say sorry about earlier.
Apology accepted. Bye!
I've been, uh, reading
about the old veganism
while I was waiting.
Really popular these days, isn't it?
Yeah, of course it is.
Mm, a lot of celebrities
on the old "vege".
Yeah, it's just the dinosaurs
who haven't woken up.
Yeah, I didn't know about cows.
Little moo cows' farts
ruining the climate.
Well done. You've learnt what
most people did a decade ago.
What's next? Will you be recycling?
You're really like
superheroes, aren't you?
You vegans.
What do you want? I think I've
left some cleaning stuff here.
You didn't bring any in.
A small specialist brush.
I think it fell out of my pocket.
I didn't see it.
It's not in my bag, so
I've told you,
there's nothing in here.
I would have seen it.
Perhaps it rolled under your sofa.
Like I said,
there's nothing in here.
Mind if I have a look?
Yes, I do mind.
I won't be long. No.
I think I'm going to jump you.
You wouldn't dare.
I would dare.
You wouldn't dare jump me.
I think I'm going to jump you.
No, you've got a bad back.
It popped back in.
No, no!
Aha!
What do you think you're doing?
You just got jumped.
And now
you're going to get judged.
Ah! Jesus!
I flew too close to the sun!
This is for Gareth.
Leave it! Leave it!
Mmmm!
Beef! I knew it!
It's not what you think.
Is it not? Because I think that
that was a hot pot full of beef!
Well, it was. Unbelievable.
You're not a vegan?
No, I am, I am.
Did you eat that hot pot?
Well, yeah, but
But nothing. Poor Gareth.
No, I hate it.
I just try and eat the potato,
just enough to make
her think I've had it.
Eh?
Your mum doesn't know
you're a vegan?
Well, I've tried telling her,
but she just doesn't get it.
Well, tell her she can go
to the old people's home
for an Alzheimer's steak.
Worked for me.
Well, she took it
harder than anyone.
Harder than me. What?
The accident.
I thought you'd always
been in a wheelchair.
No.
Six years ago,
car accident, drunk driver.
Bastard!
Why do people do that? No, no.
I was the drunk driver.
Yeah, well, we all like a drink
when we're stressed, don't we?
Come on.
I've operated a fork lift
after a bottle of Schnapps.
Who hasn't?
No, I-I don't need you
to try and make me feel better.
It's my own fault.
I'm just lucky
that no-one else got hurt.
Well, I say no-one.
Oh, God.
You hit a cow, didn't you?
That's why you're a vegan.
No! I mean my mum.
She just worries
and worries so much.
It's difficult seeing
your own mum look at you
and then just start crying,
no reason.
We could be having
a perfectly nice day,
and then she'll see
me in my wheelchair
and it's like she's seeing
it for the first time.
But you're doing all right.
I mean, you're rubbish
at getting oranges, but
I'm fine.
I've adjusted and I love life.
I probably do more
than I would have
if it hadn't happened.
So you'd recommend it,
being disabled?
Oh, shut up.
So, every week, she brings me
a hot pot or a shepherd's pie,
and I just can't bring
myself to tell her no.
It's her way of,
like, helping, you see.
Her way of being a mum.
I get it. My mum used
to make awesome hot pots.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is she not here any more?
No, she's fine, she just
can't make hot pots any more.
Dad's got a catchphrase about it.
"Your mum used to be
a great cook, kids.
"Now she's shit.
I wish I'd never married her."
Jesus!
Oh, right, well, there you go,
there's the full story.
God, I'm exhausted.
I feel like I need a beer.
Hmm, I'm sorry,
I can't help you there.
It's got animal products in it.
I prefer a joint these days, anyway.
Is that right?
No animals in a joint.
And have you, uh?
You're like Robocop.
Your move, creep.
I haven't seen Robocop.
Oh.
How come your mum's allowed meat
and Gazza isn't?
It's different. How?
She's my mum, silly. She raised me.
When I first met him,
I told him I was vegan,
and I take it seriously,
and I can't be
with anyone who isn't.
Right.
He chose to come into my life,
she chose to give me it.
I get it, your mum's
allowed meat orgies.
Don't put my mum in the same
sentence as "orgies", right?
Oh, and for God's sake,
do not call him Gazza again.
Listen, all I'm saying is,
there's a double standard there,
but I'm going to let it slide
because I have a question.
Oh, bloody hell. I don't want
to talk about him any more.
It's not about him,
it's not about meat,
but it is serious.
Can you get me one?
"One"?
You know, it's the Holy Grail.
Oh
You're talking about
a blue badge, aren't you?
Sweet freedom of the city.
No.
I'm not getting you a bloody
disabled parking badge.
Yeah, thought not.
Closed shop, ain't it?
Damn right.
There's got to be some perks.
I'm glad you admit it.
No, no, no, no.
Any advantages we have are fair.
Yeah, right.
I seem to remember
Oscar Pistorius did pretty
well on those springs.
I mean, before all the horrible
murder and stuff, obviously.
Springs? They weren't springs.
I know a spring when I see it, mate.
Guy bounced his way to victory.
Right, well, let's put
your theory to the test.
There's a food truck down the road.
It does great vegan sausages.
I can't go, can I? My back.
No, I'm talking about
levelling the playing field,
aren't I? A fair race.
How?
Got a spare, haven't I?
Ah. Bring it.
Oh, I'll bring it.
Come on, able-bodied athlete,
you're getting thrashed!
I'm in hell! Oh, what?
I don't get it!
Something wrong with your arms?
Too many burgers,
that's your problem.
Oh, you poor thing!
Does he need my help?
Oh Oh
Would you?
Oh, thanks.
This is so lovely of you.
He's been really struggling
at the minute.
So what do you think?
I think I want to go and
find Gareth and have a steak.
It's nice! It's just like meat.
This is as like meat
as I'm like
..a goose.
You'll be helping
the environment by
stopping cows from farting.
You think this isn't
going to make me fart?
Give me half an hour,
I'll be going off like a tug boat.
I'm eating it, aren't I?
I'm eating it.
Bollocks! What?
Oh, it's him.
Who?
Gareth!
Oh, God,
you still love him, don't you?
He's amazing.
Oh.
All right. I'll do it.
Do what?
I'll go vegan one day a week.
I can stomach this
shit one day a week.
How's that going to help?
Use your brains.
If I'm not eating
meat one day a week,
it means that Gareth can go
on his meat orgies, can't he?
Cos there'll be one person
not eating meat, all the time.
Right?
No, you
You wouldn't stick to that.
You think I wouldn't eat
a soya sausage for love?
I'll eat a soya sausage for love.
Go on, go after him!
You'll catch him easy,
he's only got legs.
Hello, boss.
Yeah.
He's there? All right.
No, I'm just down the road.
Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done.
All right.
All right? Yeah.
What are they, mate?
They pork, yeah? Yeah.
Go on, sort me out.
Liar!
Sumo Santa!
I can walk!
Oh!