The Grand-ish Tour (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

1
[engine roaring]
[electric guitar riff]
[pencil scratching]
[birds chirping]
[clock ticking]
Hello and welcome to the third,
and I think final…
erm, best-of compilation
Grand Tour shows.
And I'd like to kick off this time,
if I may, by talking about racetracks,
specifically which is the best
we ever went to?
Virginia? Virginia International Raceway?
That was a good one.
But that's got that hill,
where you go up the hill,
you don't know for sure
that the track is still there.
That's true, as you're coming back down.
And it's got an oak tree in the middle.
I'm gonna have to say,
the best I ever went to: Imola.
Difficult. I've been to Imola.
[Jeremy] Yes.
Pretty sure. I've been to most of them.
- [Jeremy] Okay.
- But I can't remember.
Right. Let me just see
if I can jog your memory, if I may.
Virginia International Raceway,
you crashed a Porsche.
Okay.
- Imola, you crashed a McLaren.
- Ah.
Silverstone, you crashed a…?
[Jeremy] BMW.
I think it was Mugello you crashed a…?
Jaguar F-Type.
- Right.
- [Jeremy] In Poland, you crashed a…?
Formula Easter car.
I am genuinely trying to think
of a racetrack we filmed at that…
No, you didn't crash in Portugal
in the Porsche 918.
No, Holy Trinity, you didn't crash.
I can think of another racetrack
that we all definitely like
and that I'm pretty sure
he hasn't crashed at.
Lydden Hill.
Wait! I do remember Lydden Hill.
That's with the little off-roady…
Yeah, rallycross.
That I do remember.
And it's brilliant, I love it.
Yes, there we go.
We all like Lydden Hill.
[rock music]
We all know that when it comes
to hot hatches the French are the kings,
but which one is the best?
Well, that's what we're here to find out,
using the crucible of motorsport.
[epic music]
[engines revving]
[engine roaring]
Right, just to be absolutely clear,
all the cars here are excellent
because they're all
French hot hatchbacks.
But mine is the best.
It's got no ABS, it's got
no traction control, and I've spun!
[Jeremy] 7,000 RPM,
167 horsepowers unleashed!
Richard Hammond will now be moaning
about a lack of horsepower.
Now, I am down on power.
I only have 104 brake horsepower.
Oh! Porter's completely killed me.
That was a very French move
from the scriptwriter there.
[in French]
Out of the way! Out of the way!
Oh, it's…
Oh, it's the French woman.
I ought to point out that Margaret's
never really done this before
so she is a natural French lunatic.
Although she did make
a slight error there, and I'll have her.
Bonjour, madame!
[Jeremy] As Hammond and May
battled with the office staff,
Abbie and I were up front,
fighting for the lead.
Determined face.
[Jeremy] The speed!
You may be a racing driver but
I've got 40 more horsepower than you.
[engine rumbling]
[epic music continues]
[grunting]
Oh! I think my dash appears
to be coming off,
but I'd say that wasn't necessary.
French cars tend to shed
the stuff you can lose:
bumpers, electric windows,
all that sort of stuff.
So what you're left with
is actually an incredibly tough
drivetrain, engine.
[James] Woah. Monsieur le Porter.
[Porter] Oh!
Right, this is my chance!
[Richard] No!
Oh! [bleep] Not my chance.
[laughing]
Yep, she gave me the finger.
She's definitely a French woman.
That's the real deal there.
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] Oh…
God, this thing is so good.
[James] She's cocked it up!
[bleeps] You son of a female dog!
Go away in a reproductive manner.
[engines roaring]
Woah.
[Richard] As we entered the closing laps,
I finally overtook
James' much more powerful Renault.
[Richard] I'm stealing
the line from James, then.
Come on, little bug!
[Richard] But then…
Oh! I've died.
What's happened here?
Oh dear.
It's gone on strike.
[Jeremy laughing]
[epic music]
[Jeremy] As the race
entered the final two laps,
James was still being humiliated
by the brilliantly entertaining
French novice
and I was still fighting Abbie
for the win.
["Ça plane pour moi"
by Plastic Bertrand playing]
[Jeremy] Dammit!
[music continues]
[groaning]
[laughing]
[James] Oh balls!
[Jeremy] Woah!
[Jeremy laughing] Yes!
The mighty Peugeot is in the lead!
Come on, come on, come on…
[Jeremy] No!
[Jeremy] Oh!
[tense music]
Richard Hammond, begin in three…
two, one, go!
Here we go.
Now, come on, Hammond, concentrate.
That was beautiful lift-off oversteer.
A little bit of a brake and then…
[Richard] That's too fast there.
I just had a wee.
Right, let's predict
what he's saying in there.
He'll say the traction control
won't be turned off properly.
The problem is you can't turn
the traction control off completely.
Now, this one. Oh shit.
This is the really fast bit.
Come on, baby, come on.
That's it, give me power.
I'm gonna be miles faster than him.
- You haven't even done any practise.
- I know, but…
- It's obviously not that simple.
- Yes, it is.
Come on.
[Richard] Giving it all she can.
That's it, there you go.
A little burst and across the line.
Five minutes, fifty-six dead.
- Is that good?
- I don't know.
- 5'56.
- [James] Dead.
Yes! Or no…
[Richard] Did you see me
at that last bit?
The traction control just wouldn't let me
put the power down there at all.
It stopped! Did you see me stop there?
- Why have you got a stopwatch?
- To time him.
[Jeremy] No, no, no. Look.
What date is it? April the… 26th.
- Oh, yeah. Better idea.
- April the 26th, at…
Why don't we just chalk marks
on the roof for every day?
Every time the sun comes up,
another mark.
[Jeremy] Right. James May.
[over radio] You may begin in three…
two, one, now.
[James] And May is off, for Great Britain
and Germany, in the Bentley.
- [Jeremy] He doesn't like heights.
- [Richard] No, he doesn't like heights.
- He doesn't like speed.
- Or slippery stuff.
[Jeremy] So…
Everything he hates.
[James] Despite the hostile environment,
I was determined to dig deep
for the honour of the Bentley badge.
[tense music]
Slidey, slidey, slidey.
Yes, car.
- [tyres screeching]
- [Jeremy gasping]
Did you hear that?
That was tyre squeal.
- Definitely.
- From James May.
[tense music resumes]
Knock it down a cog.
[Richard] Oh, my God. Blimey!
Look at this!
[rumbling]
- He got air, he got air!
- I think he's being committed.
Jeremy, what if he beats me?
- [Jeremy] If he beats you?
- [Richard] Yes.
You'll die of shame
- and I'll die laughing.
- Yeah, okay.
[Jeremy] Try as he might, though,
the old lady was losing time
in the corners.
Oh, that's not good.
No, I overdid it.
Six minutes sixteen.
So he was eighteen seconds
slower than you,
and his car is 212,000 pounds.
Say some more of that stuff.
Write it down.
[Jeremy] Finally,
it was the turn of the best car here.
Three, two, one, begin!
[Richard] He hasn't done
a single practise lap.
I mean, not one.
[Jeremy] Traction control off.
That's better.
And watch this!
[Jeremy] Flick it in. Nicely done.
Flick it back the other way.
While he's driving what do we think
he's being? Modest? Self-effacing?
Quiet?
He probably isn't saying anything.
He's probably concentrating.
Yes!
Oh God, I'm good at everything.
[Jeremy] However,
in order to win this contest,
I had no intention
of relying only on my supreme skills.
See, the thing is,
the Jaguar and the Bentley
were designed as road cars
and then given
some off-road ability,
whereas the Range Rover
was designed as an off-road car
and then given some ability
to work on the road.
It's only a subtle difference
but it means
I don't have to follow the beaten track.
I can take shortcuts.
[epic music]
It's such a clever car, it really is.
This car senses
what sort of terrain it's driving over
and then engages or disengages
the differentials accordingly.
- [car bleeping]
- [Jeremy chuckling]
You could not come up here
in the Bentley or the Jaguar.
- It's quiet. I can't hear it.
- [engine revving]
[Jeremy] The Range Rover
can wade through water
nearly a metre deep.
Look at that. Look at it!
What a machine you are!
Now we just pop back up the hill.
Power.
Power now.
- There he is.
- Ey? No, hang on a minute.
- [Richard] He's there, look.
- [James] No, but…
What?
And across the line.
He's almost
two minutes quicker than you were.
That's not possible.
How did you do that?
- What?
- That.
A, your car's all wet,
which it shouldn't be,
and you're almost
two minutes faster than Hammond.
Yes, but you see the thing is,
you can buy a cheap car, like a Jaguar,
or you can buy an expensive car,
like a Bentley…
[bleeping]
[tense music]
Here it is! Aerodrome!
I'm gonna have their lunch, their drinks,
and then stretch out across their seats.
[Jeremy] However, Mr. Wilman's plane
was not what I was expecting.
[engine whirring]
[Jeremy] That is… Jesus.
[Jeremy] And clearly,
it was already taxiing.
Oh shit.
No, look, the ramp's down!
The ramp's down. The ramp is down!
[suspenseful music]
A lot of jet wash.
Lots of jet wash.
[Jeremy] I'm up!
I'm up again.
Going for second.
[engine revving]
I'm on!
Back wheels!
Jesus!
[groaning]
- [tyres screeching]
- [candelabras jingling]
Jeez.
[engine roaring]
Holy shit. Are you kidding?
[James] Come on, car.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Can't!
Argh!
It's getting away!
[tyres screeching]
Coming through!
[Richard chuckling]
You bastard!
Wooh, that was a bit late.
[James] I've gotta do it this time.
[epic music]
No, windscreen wipers, for God's sake!
Here he comes. Here he comes!
[James screaming]
I can't do it!
Shoot me! Shoot me, Hammond!
Come on!
[epic music]
Here I come!
Yes!
Shit!
It won't start.
Come on in, James!
[James] It won't go.
- [Jeremy] It can't take off like that.
- [Richard] No.
[James] Argh!
Ooh.
[James] Oh, Jesus.
Come on, car, you can do it.
[engine roaring]
[epic music]
[Richard] Come on, James!
It's a good job
this runway is 26 miles long.
I'm very pleased about that.
- Longer than the one in Fast and Furious.
- Much longer.
[honking]
[James] Buffeting.
Buffeting!
[screaming]
Yes, yes, yes.
[Richard] Oh, my Lord!
Woah…
- James May caught the plane!
- Welcome aboard!
- Thank you.
- [Jeremy] We did it!
- [James] Holy shit.
- We all did it!
- We did a thing!
- That was extraordinary!
[engine stopping]
[Richard] Er…
[Jeremy] Oh God, I know what…
We've just driven
onto an aeroplane that just landed.
- We got a text.
- What?
- It's from Mr. Wilman.
- [Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
It says, "Do you want coffees?
I'm at the BA check-in."
- All right. It's in there, isn't it?
- There.
[soft music]
Right, we've found
three other people who are
equally disillusioned with their RVs,
and the rules are very simple:
the last one still running is the winner.
[Jeremy] Once we'd climbed
aboard our race-modified RVs,
we were ready for the off.
This is a stupid idea. I disapprove.
It's needlessly destructive
and I really like my little truck.
Here's my start-line strategy:
light goes green, hard right, hit James.
I want him to be a bonnet emblem
by the time I get to the first corner.
He doesn't realise
that the window's fallen out of his RV
and I can hear everything he's saying.
[metal clanking]
[tense music]
[engine roaring]
[bleeps]
[bleep]
Let's get this over with, shall we?
[engine rumbling]
That's one done.
[rock music]
Closing up on the lavatory.
Here it goes.
Oh! He hit me hard there!
Turning right.
[Richard] I have got
the toughest vehicle here.
I'm sure of that.
Have a little go at Jeremy.
Oh. My lights have come off.
[Richard screaming]
The door was shut on me really badly!
I can't see over my bonnet!
[laughing]
[James] Hammond's bonnet
is completely off!
[James] However, the Mad Max makeover
made his truck
even more of a lethal weapon.
[Richard] In we go. Ha!
[Richard laughing]
Oh, that's brutal!
Oh, my door! Oh!
[Jeremy] I've been hit.
I've been hit again!
I'm in a sandwich of Americans.
Oh no, I'm being pushed.
We are being annihilated
by the two remaining Americans.
[epic music stops]
[clanking and crashing]
[Richard] As the contest heated up…
[epic music resumes]
I decided to pick on the biggest RV.
You want demolition? Have some.
[Richard chuckling]
[Richard]
Following hit after brutal hit…
my opponent eventually conked out,
but the battle had left me badly wounded.
[Richard] This is not going well
for my little truck.
And I think my engine might be suffering.
[scream]
Oh, that's gone badly wrong for me!
I think I've lost a wheel now.
[chuckling]
I'm in a bad way.
I've lost steering.
[screaming and laughing]
Hammond is history.
[Jeremy] Now only three of us remained.
[Jeremy] Come on!
Hit James!
Ramming speed!
[James] Oh!
You bastard.
[Jeremy] May's in the wall!
He's in the wall and toast!
Woah!
Get him! I'm taking him.
Oh Lord!
Coming in hard and hot.
[tyres screeching]
- [epic music]
- [Jeremy] Yeah!
[laughing]
Oh yes! The mighty RV boat is victorious.
[James] 65 miles an hour
to beat on one run.
We'll know how fast you've gone because
there's a speed read-out over there
which is connected to a speed trap.
[Richard as Nigel Mansell] "I'll blow
the doors off the speed read-out."
[Jeremy as Nigel Mansell]
"You just watch this car control."
- [Jeremy] Are you ready, Nige?
- [Richard as Nigel] "Yeah, yeah, ready."
Three, two, one, go!
- [Jeremy] He's underway. He's underway.
- [Richard as Nigel] "So long, lads."
- [Jeremy] Nigel!
- [Richard] Get right!
[Jeremy] Oh…
[Jeremy] Even though the impact
had knocked all of Nigel's hair out,
he managed to regain control.
And he smashed James' speed record.
But sadly, the hot rod was a write-off.
[Jeremy] I haven't seen a car
this badly damaged
since James drove into a tunnel once.
- [James laughing]
- [Richard] Oh, that is…
- [Jeremy] Jeez.
- [James] That is pretty bent.
Yeah, Nigel, you did 89.14 miles an hour,
25 miles an hour faster
than I've ever been.
[Richard as Nigel]
"I don't care. I am resigning.
"I hate this gig, it's uncomfy. I mean,
look, there's no dignity in this."
[Richard] Oh, mate!
[Jeremy] And he's only been working
with us for three days.
Yeah. People will say, "Do you remember
when Mansell was with…?"
- Yeah.
- "Yeah, he didn't last long, did he?"
Right, we better apologise to the owners
of the ski resort, I suppose.
- Sorry about that.
- Sorry.
- [Richard] Sorry. Apologies.
- Sorry.
Who was that man that Nigel Mansell had
a massive crash with
when he tried British touring car racing?
It was huge.
- Er, Quentin Wilson? No.
- [James] No, it was Steve…
- Was it Steve Berry?
- No. Michele Newman?
Anyway, there was a big crash
and there was shouting.
I remember the crash,
I just can't remember who he hit.
[Jeremy] Yeah, anyway, erm…
I was gonna say, actually, we didn't
always cock about on Grand Tour, did we?
Sometimes we did practical,
real-world tests
and delivered vital consumer information.
We genuinely did.
Let's not forget
the time we went to Canada
to see how many dogs
you could get into the back of an SUV.
And then there was
the time we went to Scotland
to see which old Italian car
had the best roadholding.
And then there was the airport
and how best to deal with the misery
of a 20-mile walk to your gate.
And remember Morocco
when we had those sports cars?
And we didn't believe the weights
that had been given by the manufacturers
and we built our own scales.
- Yes.
- [Jeremy] Yes.
Consumer advice.
[soft oriental music]
- Wow.
- Yeah.
[James] Even more startling
was Jeremy's choice of counterweight.
Er, how are you gonna get it on there?
It's gonna jump.
- Oh yeah, they're big jumpers, cows.
- Look, you see, he wants to.
He's limbering up.
He's getting ready, you can tell.
- Up you come.
- It's not gonna jump. They can't jump.
Up you come.
[Jeremy] Soon, without any help at all,
I had fashioned a makeshift ramp.
[Richard] Very good. Well done.
That was quick and effective.
[Jeremy] Unfortunately,
the cow had wandered off,
so I had to draft in a substitute.
[Richard] This is good.
We are getting there.
We are building up
a big Christmas dinner.
[Jeremy] And then,
the original cow came back!
[clucking]
- Come on.
- [Richard] Doctor Thinklittle.
- [Jeremy] Come on, come on.
- [Richard] My camel's going over there.
- [Richard] Come on.
- Good cow.
[Jeremy] Tragically, however…
It's not enough.
[sighing]
Could you go and get another cow?
[Richard] Come on, small cow.
He's on. Right. Excellent.
Good, good, good, good, good.
- [Richard] Jeremy?
- Yes?
- This is far more…
- [Jeremy] Oh, my God!
I don't wanna be here for this.
I'm on some scales.
Its carrot's come out.
- [James] Are they both boy cows?
- [Jeremy] Yeah, they're both boys.
No, this is quite bad…
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- I really am alarmed.
I'm stuck on a porn set.
[Jeremy] More importantly,
the whole cast of our porn film
still weighed less than the Mazda.
Chickens? Hello, chickies.
- It's not enough, is it?
- No.
It doesn't make se… Jeremy?
This is complete nonsense.
[Richard] Cow sex! No!
Come on. On we go.
On you go.
I'm not convinced that this isn't…
Oh, the goat's escaped.
[Richard] At this stage,
we explained to Jeremy
that animals
cannot be used as counterweights.
Right, no, you may have a point.
I think it's better if I kill them.
What?
Well, if they're dead they won't mind.
[Jeremy] This plan
made the job much easier.
[Jeremy] Oh, hello!
My experiment has worked!
Wow, we have a figure!
For the record,
it weighs two cows, two legs of cows,
in brackets "rear",
one camel and three goats.
That's incredible.
It's the most exciting thing
I've ever been involved in.
[Jeremy] Having established
the weight of the Mazda,
it was time to do the Zenos.
[Jeremy] Right, Hammond,
reverse off, down my superb ramp.
- Woah.
- I'm gonna walk this way a bit then.
Why is it doing that?
James, counterbalance this with your…
[Jeremy] Hang on. That's not gone well.
- [James] Yeah, it has.
- [Jeremy] No, it's moved!
[all gasping]
Oh, now the back wheels have come off!
Somebody get on! The whole crew!
- [Jeremy] What's happened?
- [James] Oh God!
[engine roaring]
[Jeremy] No,
there's no point doing that, Hammond.
We need to think this through.
Hang on. I've got an idea.
If you get off there,
this side will go up,
then you can put the ramp
under the back wheels of the Mazda
when it comes down again.
- [Jeremy] Yes.
- So you all need to get off.
Right, I'm off.
- Hang on. Are you going up now?
- I think so.
No, we need more…
Everybody has to go on there.
- On that side.
- Everybody, all the crew.
All the chunkier lads.
If you get on that one…
How did we get into this position?
Right, somebody pull on the front
just to tip it.
[Jeremy] Right,
and then we will move this ramp.
Hello, can we have all the…
He's down now!
[Richard] I'm gonna die!
Am I dead? Am I dead?
What I do is I take the rear wheels off,
let the tyres down,
and put these plastic covers on,
then pump the tyres back up again,
put them back on, and that gives the car
the loose back end you want to drift.
This is like putting insulating tape
on the back wheels
of your Scalextric cars.
Stand by.
Right, turn in,
get the drift going, then…
[Jeremy and Richard laughing]
[James] This entertainment
went on for quite some time.
[rock music]
[tyres screeching]
[both laughing]
No.
[James] Until, eventually…
Dab the brakes, in.
- [Richard] And hold it. Hold it.
- [Jeremy] He's turning the wheel!
- He turned the steering wheel!
- He did a thing to it.
Yes!
[Richard] Yes, yes, yes.
[Richard] This looks like a lot of fun.
We're gonna do that. We've gotta try it.
No, there's the only set.
- What, of those things?
- Yeah, so we can't do it.
Well, no, we can make some.
[rumbling]
[Jeremy] Did you ask
if you could borrow this bin?
[Richard] No, but they won't need it.
And rotate.
This goes over.
It'll require a little bit of persuasion.
James May just drifted
perfectly behind you there.
This is another of those weird days.
[Jeremy]
With his tyre covers made,
Hammond decided not to hold back.
[engine roaring]
[rattling]
Oh, this is gonna be…
I mean, seriously,
he's gonna get to that corner and then…
[rattling]
Where can the helicopter land?
Here comes a drift.
Here it comes. And drifting.
- [tyres screeching]
- [Richard screaming]
Completely out of control.
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
[Richard] Let's just try again.
[rattling]
Right, that's fallen off.
Now that could be interesting.
And I am turning in. Drifting…
Oh no, I've got no steering.
[crashing]
[Jeremy] Annoyingly,
Hammond's dismal failure didn't stop him
fitting his ridiculous contraptions
to my precious Alfa
and insisting that I have a go.
Think of the trouble Alfa Romeo went to
to make this car exquisite.
Think of the trouble that Pirelli went to
to make the tyres grip properly.
And then along comes
Hammond with a bin…
Whatever. Here we go.
[clanking]
[tyres screeching]
[groaning]
[honking]
[soft music]
Onwards to the next part of our test.
[Jeremy] Which was to find out…
how utilitarian they are.
We're gonna do this by seeing
which one of us
can get the most amount of dogs
in the boot of our car…
[sighing]
Hammond, you idiot.
- [Richard] What?
- What are they?
If you say "dog" in Canada,
these are what you get.
Newfoundlands.
Hammond, they're enormous.
[James] They're not dogs, they're cattle.
Yeah. Oh…
[James]
But they're having sex behind you.
There's dog sex.
There's actual dog sex going on.
[Jeremy] Dog sex.
We don't need to see this.
[Jeremy] In a brief break
from the mating, we got on with the test.
[Jeremy] Up we go.
Come on, come on, come on.
Up. In the car. Come on,
it's the new Range Rover. Come on, dog.
[Richard] Right. Erm, this…
No. No.
[Jeremy] Oh God. Up we go.
In we go.
[James] The dog has never been in a car
and doesn't wanna go in one.
Right. Sit.
Getting another dog.
[soft playful music]
[squeaking]
Dog beer.
Ow. Yes!
Stay…
[sighing]
[clearing his throat]
The Alfa Romeo,
not only the sportiest vehicle,
but as you can see,
perfectly capable
of handling a brace of dogs.
Oh…
[barking]
Yeah, the problem is,
you know electric tailgates?
If they sense anything, they'll open.
[Jeremy] Yes, that's what…
- So you can't actually close…
- [Richard] It's never gonna close, is it?
Oh! Biggest dog here is in.
Yes, but you try close your boot lid.
Go on, then.
You see, it won't close
'cause it's electric.
What we've established so far is that
these cars are nowhere near as fast
as an ordinary car round a race track,
that you cannot put
a medium-sized dog in them
- because of the electric tailgate…
- [James] Mmh mmh.
And you'll damage them
'cause they've all got painted rear ends
and carpeted boot floors.
And that concludes
another important test. I'm sorry.
[laughing]
[Jeremy] So, here we are
arriving at the airport
with what looks like normal hand luggage.
Okay, what I have here, as you can see,
is a perfectly ordinary wheeled suitcase.
If I fold the handle away,
it will fit in an overhead locker.
However, if I lay it down, like so,
you can see, starting to look like a car.
- Not really, mate.
- No, it is.
And it will look even more like a car
when I have completed the build.
Simply open it up.
As you can see, all the things I need
for a couple of nights away are in there.
It is actually a suitcase.
But also in here is a steering wheel.
So, shut that up…
[click]
You heard that?
A solid click, like an M16 rifle bolt.
This is my accelerator, my brake.
And then I simply
sit on it, being quite careful
to keep that away from my plums,
and I am ready to go. So where's yours?
- Here. This is it.
- Where?
- Laptop.
- Yeah?
Put it on the floor.
- [Jeremy] Wheeled laptop?
- [Richard] Oh yeah.
- [Jeremy] Oh, I see, you stand on it.
- [Richard] Yeah.
- And I'm off.
- That looks a bit dangerous.
It is.
[laughing]
That's why I'm wearing all these pads!
Right, are we ready, then,
to revolutionise air travel?
Let's do this.
[upbeat music]
The speed!
- [thud]
- Oh shit.
I may have hit the other sign as well.
- My brakes aren't as good.
- No, I hit the big sign.
[upbeat music resumes]
[Jeremy] Soon, we were motoring
through the duty-free shops.
Hello, this is the future.
I want one.
You're dragging your suitcase instead
of using it to get you to the gate.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Sorry, sorry, I… Thank you.
In full-power mode,
I have a top speed of 28 mph,
but I'm not using that
because in full-power mode,
you have no steering at all.
No, no, no, no, no!
Oh, sorry, mate.
[Richard] Er, Jeremy?
You've killed a man.
Oh shit, no!
[Jeremy] Oh! Hammond's gone!
- [Richard] Ow! I meant that.
- [Jeremy] He's gone!
[Jeremy] Eventually, though,
I started to get the hang of my machine.
[Jeremy] Handbrake turn.
[laughing]
- Hammond?
- What?
I'm drifting a suitcase!
This is more like a racetrack
than a shop.
Oh shit!
Oh sh…
Can somebody do…?
Where's the manager?
This was like this when we got here.
[Jeremy] Soon,
we decided that we should use
the time we'd made up having a drink.
- [Jeremy screaming]
- [loud thud]
[Jeremy] Sorry.
[upbeat music]
The speed!
Woah, rides like a Tesla!
Hello.
Enjoying your walk?
[laughing]
Out of the way.
Nothing to see here. Nothing to see.
[Jeremy] Is it Gate 88, Hammond?
What? No, it's this one.
Where's the plane?
[thud]
So much useable
real-world consumer advice.
I'm surprised we didn't win more,
or indeed any, awards for it.
And there was more,
if you think about it.
I mean, can you do nought
to a hundred miles an hour
and then back to nought again
in an old Jag on a mountain runway?
Er, can you jump a Maserati
on to a fishing boat in the harbour?
- It's need-to-know stuff.
- Exactly, need-to-know.
There's more as well.
Can a modern-day satellite
navigation system find its way
to a town in Austria with a rude name
without us saying the name
of that rude town…
- Can it?
- On television.
Can you fire real guns
from the back of a moving pickup truck?
I'm asked that every single day.
This is what people needed to know.
[crackling]
- [rifle shooting]
- [tense music]
It is inevitable,
in the developing world, that one day,
all pickup trucks
end up being used as gun platforms.
Yeah, it's their destiny.
To die on the battlefield.
Yeah, I mean, every day,
you turn on the news
and there's somebody standing
in the back of a Toyota or a Nissan
shooting at someone
in a Humvee or a Land Rover.
And what we wanna know is how good
will our European trucks be at that.
Ride out to glory.
Look at him.
- The Soldier of Fortune. Dogs of War!
- [Richard laughing]
[Richard] That's not scary!
The "Spaniel of War" is what it is!
[Jeremy panting]
Oh, this is quite difficult.
Even though I've got the car
with the most sophisticated suspension,
I've got a slightly slippery floor.
I'm looking for a barn door. There it is.
[grunting]
They make this look a lot easier
in Black Hawk Down.
[James] There's a bus.
- [grunting]
- [tense music]
[rifle shooting]
[James] Oh, cock!
[James] Having somehow managed
to miss a whole bus,
I started to look
for the cardboard soldiers.
Die, cardboard cut-out basta…
[grunting]
[shooting]
- [James] Stand up.
- [Richard] I am standing up.
[laughing]
He loves that.
[shooting]
[screaming]
[Richard laughing]
Welcome to Richard Hammond's
usual weekend.
- [shooting]
- [laughing]
[Richard] Wait, is that a barn door?
Oh, a bush got in the way.
That's all that happened there.
[Richard] Bus!
Big target!
Oh, shit. I'm out of bullets.
[Jeremy laughing]
That's what I've got. A fifty cal.
Lock and load.
Yes!
[Jeremy]
Barn door, barn door, coming into view.
[shooting]
Oh! I may have missed… What? Yeah.
I've missed the door there badly.
Searching for targets.
There's a bus round here somewhere.
There it is.
Oh, I can't get on it. I can't get on it.
I can't get on the bus!
Opening fire.
[shooting]
[explosion]
Oh! I think I hit that…
I've done that wrong.
Men on the bridge.
Lock and load! I've said it again.
Die!
[epic music]
[shooting]
Oof.
I maybe… I'm getting a bit…
It's the leaf springs.
Bad mark for Volkswagen there,
this jiggliness.
[Jeremy] Right, here we go: men.
Die!
[shooting]
Die!
Oh God.
[whimsical music]
[Richard over radio] Jeremy,
this car is better than yours.
Well, now…
[Jeremy over radio]
It just isn't, is it?
You're being a… what's the word?
[soft piano music]
[Jeremy] We then flashed
through the village of Kissing,
getting it over with
as quickly as possible.
Then we went through Petting.
And to make sure we reached,
erm, third base before bedtime,
we decided to set our sat navs.
- [bleeping]
- [sat nav] Please name the country.
[James] Austria.
[sat nav] Please name the city.
"Foo-cking."
[sat nav] Excuse me.
[bleeping]
[Jeremy] Fucking.
[sat nav] Sorry?
[bleeping]
[coughing and mumbling] Fucking.
[sat nav] Sorry?
[sat nav] Is your destination Celking?
No.
"Foo-cking."
[sat nav] Carking has been accepted.
Which street should I select?
[coughing] Fucking.
- [sat nav] Sorry?
- [bleeping]
I can't say it. People are listening.
[coughing] Fucking.
[sat nav] Sorry?
[Jeremy] Thankfully, Hammond had decided
to programme
his bargain-basement system manually.
F, U…
[mumbling] C, K…
[laughing]
It's gone in!
[soft music]
[Richard] And soon,
we crossed the border into Austria.
[Richard] It's very,
very pretty, Austria.
No idea
why Hitler was in such a bad mood.
[Richard] Eventually,
we arrived, erm, here.
[Richard over radio]
So is this the climax
of this stage of our journey?
[Jeremy] Is it all it's cracked up to be?
That's what I wanna know.
'Cause often it can be a disappointment
the first time you go there.
The first time I came here,
I couldn't find the way in.
[laughing]
Last night,
after the other two had gone to bed,
I arranged for our company yacht
to be waiting for me in the harbour.
And there it is.
[epic music]
I simply drive up, hop aboard,
and then we'll be on our way.
[engine roaring]
[epic music]
- [crashing]
- [grunting]
[tense music]
[Jeremy] James and I had arrived
at the location for our next challenge.
A runway.
And once our colleague had arrived,
I explained what Mr. Wilman had planned.
We're gonna go from here,
one at a time, nought to a hundred,
and then back to nought again,
and you've gotta stop
before the end of the runway,
and you really do have to stop
because this airport has a…
a slightly unusual feature.
[Jeremy] Perched on the summit
of a rocky mountain,
Telluride is the highest
commercial airport in the US.
And at the end of the runway,
there is…
[tense music]
Nothing.
Just a thousand-foot drop
to an uncomfortable end.
[James] Finally, it was my turn.
And I was going to need as much runway
and as much streamlining as possible
for good reason.
Right, now we're alone, viewers,
I'm gonna admit to you
that my car has gone
into Limp Home mode,
which is not ideal
for this sort of thing.
[Jeremy over radio] In three, two, one.
[soft music]
Forty.
He's moving. I mean, just barely, but…
Fifty.
Sixty.
[engine whistling]
He's still accelerating.
Seventy.
Seventy-five.
[tense music]
Eighty miles. Eighty!
Eighty miles an hour.
[horn blaring]
Ninety.
Oh my God.
[wind whistling]
- [crashing]
- [groaning in pain]
Oof.
Ow.
[thud]
[crackling]
What do you think
we spent the most money on
over the years?
Crisps.
Band-Aids, putting you back together
again after accidents like that.
- Tyres.
- Yeah.
I bet we spent a fortune on tyres.
- Petrol.
- [Richard] Lawyers.
We didn't spend enough on lawyers.
- [Jeremy] Beer, wine, gin.
- Possibly gin.
- I know what it is.
- [Richard] What?
Dynamite.
[rock music]
[clanking]
Is that barrel gonna…
[explosion]
- [tyres screeching]
- [rifle shooting]
[explosions]
Fire!
- [woman] Clip it!
- [man] I'm clipping it.
Yeah, we are pumping gas!
[clanking]
Oh shit!
[Richard] Oh no.
Go, go, go!
[explosions]
Four five, engage.
- [alarm blaring]
- [explosion]
[upbeat music]
[Jeremy] What's that?
[rock music]
[buzzing]
[James] Jeez.
- Blowing things up is fun, isn't it?
- Yes.
Not when you're blowing up my house.
No, he's right. "Fun" doesn't cover it.
It's not a big enough word
to cover how enjoyable that was.
Mmh… Can we just move on now
from blowing up my house?
Because, in some of the films we made,
there was a relatively small amount
of things blowing up.
And I've gotta be honest,
when you're just looking at cars,
it can be quite good fun.
[soft music]
[engines rumbling]
Holy moly.
[James] Och aye the view.
It's amazing. Look at it!
[Richard] I mean, this is heaven!
And not just the scenery,
which is magnificent, the road itself.
The twists, turns, the surface.
You have to get the right ingredients
together, in the right order.
It's a complicated thing,
a really fabulous road.
But this manages it.
Absolutely glorious.
[engines purring]
Oh, the Penis 287
is really coming up trumps here.
[epic music]
[engine rumbling]
God, I bet my car looks elegant
going through this scenery.
This is what the GT V6 was built to do.
Open, sweeping roads…
Nothing but the sound
of that V6 howling away.
[engine rumbling]
[epic music]
Ugh!
This is what driving is all about.
This is the dream.
[rock music]
[engine roaring]
Life doesn't get much better than this.
Cadwell Park, sunny day,
Mark 1 Lotus Cortina.
This thing is a riot.
It had a revolutionary twin cam
1.6-litre engine.
It sounds like a murder of mad bees.
It revved like hell,
all the way to 8,000 RPM,
and produced 105 horsepower.
[Jeremy laughing]
Oh wow!
The result was
some spectacular performance.
The road cars would do 108 mph,
and in race trim,
that shot up to 145.
That was the stuff
of spaceships back then.
[Jeremy] And best of all,
if you were really on it,
it would lift
the front wheel in the corners.
[rock music]
[Jeremy] On the downside,
it didn't stop properly
and there was very little grip.
So it was an oversteer mentalist.
[epic music]
[engines roaring]
Holy mother!
[shouting]
[laughing]
The racket is just astonishing.
Imagine this for a 24-hour race.
[James] Even though
it's a fifty-year-old car,
the 917 is fast
by the standards of any decade.
Nought to sixty: 2.7 seconds.
Top speed: 224 mph.
And it was built without compromise
using the absolute
bare minimum of materials.
So, for example,
this bodywork,
which is very close to my head,
it's fibreglass
1.2 millimetres thick. That's it.
Now, in front of me,
I have a big rev counter,
an oil temperature gauge
and an oil pressure gauge.
That's all the information you get.
If those are reading correctly,
that means the engine isn't gonna blow up
and that means you can pin it!
Yay!
It's the world's fastest canoe!
[James] The five-litre,
twelve-cylinder engine produces
621 horsepower,
which is modest by the standards
of today's road-going hypercars.
But this thing weighs just 800 kilograms.
As a result, the power-to-weight…
is off the scale!
[epic music]
Bloody hell, this is special.
I'm amazed
Porsche let me drive it at all.
I mean, they didn't give me any training.
They just put me in it and said…
[in a German accent]
"Pull this, and turn that,
"and, ja, you will be fine."
[James] And now, since the legend
is celebrating its fiftieth birthday,
I think it deserves a fun day out.
So I thought, why don't we put
Mr. Dickie Attwood back in it
to stretch its legs a bit
and spice things up.
And whilst he's there,
let's see how the old legend,
I mean the car,
stacks up against a modern Porsche.
[James] Specifically, this Porsche:
the 911 GT2 RS,
the biggest gun
in Porsche's current arsenal.
Now, attentive viewers will have noticed
that I'm not actually driving.
And that's because
I've decided to do this properly.
We're going to have old Porsche
Le Mans-winning racing driver
versus young Porsche
Le Mans-winning racing driver,
because this is Neel Jani
and he won for Porsche
in 2016 in the 919.
To be honest, he's also probably
a bit better at this than I am.
[James] As for the cars themselves,
on paper, it's a tough one to call.
We have 700 horsepower in here,
621 horsepower in the 917.
But the 917 weighs just 800 kilograms.
This weighs 1,830 kilograms.
It's over a ton heavier.
But then again, we've got modern tyres
and we've got modern brakes.
We have a modern gearbox with paddles.
So, I mean, God knows.
Let's find out.
[James] What I hadn't considered
in my comparisons…
was Dickie.
[engine roaring]
Woah! Cheeky!
Look how bloody fast he's going.
The man's a lunatic. He's 78!
He's going great, ja?
Carrying a massive amount of speed
into the corner.
Here we go… Have him!
- [tyres screeching]
- [James] Oh!
[rattling]
[laughing]
The red mist has descended again
after a pause of nearly half a century,
and Mr. Attwood has gone quite mad.
[rock music]
Oh yes, this could be it.
[James] Yes!
Oh no!
Ah, he's had you!
[laughing]
Well, you can't quite out-brake him
'cause you're too heavy.
[James] But in the end, youth and modern
rubber triumph over the flat hat.
Oh, we're right all over his tail.
Here we go.
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
Yes.
Nicely done, sir.
Lucky. I can keep my job.
Yeah, I think you can keep your job.
[engine rumbling]
[film rewinding]
[soft music]
[Jeremy] Welcome, everyone, to the most
magnificent French car of them all.
The SM.
A Citroën coupé with a 2.7-litre
Maserati V6
under the bonnet.
This in essence, really,
is Franco-Italian.
And that can work.
Jean Alesi, he's Franco-Italian.
So is Olivier Giroud,
Eric Cantona, David Ginola.
That worked well.
[Richard ]Yeah.
So what you got in one of these was
French complexity and Italian fragility.
Yeah. To give you
an example of the complexity,
it doesn't have a throttle linkage,
as such.
Well, it does, but you get a rod,
then a bit of cable,
then another rod, then it goes
through the exhaust manifold.
It does.
- And then it comes out.
- [chuckling] It's basically engine out!
[Jeremy] And here's another good one.
All the wiring under the bonnet is black,
so you've no idea where it's going
or where it came from.
It's just all black. So… I don't know!
They don't really work!
It's the stop light there,
that's what I love.
[Jeremy] The biggest stop sign.
[Richard] It doesn't even specify…
Just "stop!"
[in a French accent] "One of a number
of things has gone wrong, again!"
That's what it says!
"This is a really big light to tell you,
inevitably, 'Stop!'"
[laughing]
"What did you expect?
Here is the moment you knew was coming."
[laughing]
"And you must stop instantly or die."
[soft music]
[Richard] But can we just mention
the looks?
[Jeremy] That's one
of the best-looking cars ever made.
[Richard] At some angles, there's
a sort of gawkiness to it, which is…
I know we've gone on about it before,
but real true beauty isn't just
that sort of internet,
fake, perfectly symmetrical.
- [Jeremy] No, this is…
- [Richard] This has an angularity to it.
Oh, it's stunning.
[soft music]
[Jeremy] I tell you what I love is
the list of people who owned an SM, okay?
Is it good?
Oh, eclectic.
You've got Graham Greene, Brezhnev,
Haile Selassie, Lee Majors,
the six-million-dollar man,
John Barry,
the guy who wrote all the Bond stuff.
- Yeah.
- Idi Amin had seven of them.
Seven SMs.
[Richard] Just on the off chance
one of them worked.
[Jeremy] But this is
the really interesting one, right?
Bill Wyman from the Stones, okay?
Adam Clayton from U2
and Guy Berryman from Coldplay.
[Jeremy] They're all bassists
and they all had SMs.
That's because
nobody ever looks at the bassist.
They're always standing
at the back, aren't they?
But you could say, "Stop looking
at the lead singer, I've got an SM!"
Yeah, "look at me!"
[Jeremy] Yes!
[soft music]
- [Jeremy] I love this car.
- [Richard] I really want one.
[Jeremy laughing]
I can feel the vibe of a man wanting
something coming from over there.
And I think you should have one,
so I can look at it.
[Richard] It's so special.
And I want to be
the kind of person that would,
well, set out to turn up in one.
Yeah, you'd never get there.
- No, but…
- But you'd be an optimist.
People would see you arrive in this and
assume you were just an optimistic idiot,
which I kind of am.
[laughing]
[soft music]
[soft music fading out]
For me, though,
the most emotional thing we ever did was
on a chilly afternoon in Lincolnshire.
You may remember?
Because, the medium-sized Ford,
the backbone, really, for,
let's be honest, most British families
for many, many years,
was about to die
and we wanted to say a proper goodbye.
[solemn mournful music]
[Jeremy] So, to give this car
the send-off it deserves,
we've booked Lincoln Cathedral.
And invited some like-minded souls
to mark the moment of its passing.
This'll be a funeral for a friend.
A few people have turned up already.
[James] Look at that.
- [Jeremy] It's big, isn't it?
- [Richard] Very.
The tallest building in the world
for 250 years, this.
How many people
do you think are gonna turn up?
Well, it is a Tuesday afternoon.
- Well, we might get 50.
- No, I think it could be a hundred.
[Jeremy] Well,
a hundred would be nice, wouldn't it?
[Richard] Yeah.
[Jeremy] In fact,
it was rather more than a hundred.
[engines rumbling]
So many people came that the traffic
in Lincoln ground to a halt.
[honking]
[honking]
And we had to begin the service
before they'd all arrived.
[organ playing]
Ford. Ford.
Dear Ford and Father of mankind
Forgive our foolish ways
Reclothe us in our rightful mind
In purer lives Thy service find
In deeper reverence praise
In deeper reverence, praise
Drop Thy still dews of quietness
Till all our strivings cease
Take from our souls
the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace
The beauty of Thy peace
Breathe through
the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and Thy balm
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire
Speak through the earthquake,
wind, and fire
O still, small voice of calm
O still, small voice of calm
I don't think we ever made
a better film than that
for demonstrating that cars are not just
rubber and steel
and glass and plastic, did we?
Yeah, that summed it up, that
they matter, that they're about people.
Yeah. Great film, that.
Anyway, I think, erm, that concludes
our contractual obligation.
They are complete.
[Jeremy] Erm…
And that's it.
- [Richard] I think we're done.
- Pub?
- Wait a minute.
- [Jeremy] Oh, well, sherry, then pub.
I'm gonna toast to it in sherry.
I know you don't like a toast.
- Oh no.
- [Jeremy and Richard] What?
I've just read Subsection 5.3.2a2.
Do we need to pack?
- No.
- We're done.
I know you don't like a cheers
but I'm gonna do one anyway.
[all] Cheers.
- It's been immense.
- [Jeremy] Cheers.
- Cheers.
- I hope this is Harveys Bristol Cream.
[Richard] Oh, it's only the best.
[Jeremy] Mmm.
Never thought we'd end like this.
Did you?
Jesus Christ, it is.
[Richard and Jeremy laughing]
See you, everyone.
Bye.
[theme music playing]