The Keith and Paddy Picture Show (2017) s01e03 Episode Script
Return of Jedi
1 I'm Paddy McGuinness.
And I'm Keith Lemon.
And this is The Keith & Paddy Picture Show, where we recreate classic films in half an hour with the help of an all-star cast.
ALL: We're here to believe you! But the challenge of remaking a Hollywood classic as accurately as we can was never gonna be easy.
So we've had a documentary crew record all the drama behind the scenes as well as we struggle to get our remake to the screen.
What the hell are ya doing? This week Return of the Jedi.
# STAR WARS THEME Beep beep.
Of course I'm worried, and you should be too, most of our friends have never returned from this awful place.
Beep beep.
Don't be so sure, if I told you half the things I heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit.
Dooo.
What's that about there? I stuck a tache on it so people know it's me.
They wouldn't know it's me otherwise would they? Beep beep, ohhhh.
Looks good, though, don't it, Paddy, all of this? Looks like the film! You'd never think it were filmed in a quarry in Leyton Buzzard! Morning.
How do.
Star Wars, Return of the Jedi.
Amazing.
This is the one where the brave Rebel Alliance have their final battle against the Evil Empire.
It's the best one.
No messing about on this one, though, we've got to stay faithful, we don't wanna upset the biggest fan base in movie history.
Although you may have already noticed we've been forced to make a few changes already, because Star Wars is copyright protected, titles, names, creatures Creatures? Creatures, yeah.
But don't worry, just check out my Jabba the Hutt.
Stop it right there! You won't realise this, but you've just witnessed our first celebrity cameo.
Underneath that squidhead mask was none other than Good Morning Britain's Richard Arnold.
Oh, yes, just check out this behind-the-scenes footage.
It's incredible, innit? We do have bigger names (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) Using that bloody stupid language, speak English.
And cover yourself, man! Flaunting it off! All right/font Who wears it round their neck! Bloody show off.
Jabba, we bring a message from our master, Luke Skywalker.
He wishes to bargain for the life of his friend, Hans Solo.
(LAUGHS) (CONTINUES LAUGHING) No! I'll give him to no one.
He's my favourite decoration.
Look, R2, Captain Solo is frozen in carbonite! Play the message from Master Skywalker.
Greetings, exalted one.
Look at that! I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.
I am here to plead for the life of my friend Hans Solo.
No.
/ Hey, R2, this is just a voice message, right? You're not videoing me or anything.
Dododo.
Cool.
Take it from the top.
Greetings, exhalted one.
I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Ahh What were you doing there? We agreed not to muck about.
I just thought that Luke's hologram speech was a bit dry, so I spiced it up a bit.
Back to Jabba's palace now, where a certain someone is about to try a rescue attempt.
(WIND CHIMES RATTLE) (CLATTERS) (MURMURING) (KEYBOARD JINGLE PLAYS) Huh? (MUSIC STOPPED) None of that happened in the original film! Well, the chimes happened in the original film, but granted, yeah, the Casio keyboard, I just popped that in for entertainment purposes And how very entertaining it was.
Aaah! Ooh! (PANTING) Relax.
You're free from the carbonite.
I can't see.
You're suffering from hibernation sickness, it'll pass.
Who are you? Somebody who loves you.
Um, are you gonna draw attention that? Michelle Keegan's playing Princess Leia? Yeah, it's good.
You were cock-a-hoop five minutes ago about Richard Arnold.
Oh, I see! I know what it is.
You're sulking, aren't ya? Cos I'm playing Hans Solo and you're playing Luke Skywalker and I get to kiss Michelle Keegan.
Haven't even thought about it, Patrick.
I have.
(PANTING) Leia! (DOG BARKS) Oh What's that? It's Chewbacca.
Cut! Oi! Did you know about this? What? Chewbacca being a whacking great dog.
Never mind that, Paddy.
Just check out my big green boobies.
Living the dream! Thanks for ruining that scene, I were that close.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Now one of the biggest problems they faced when making the original was assembling an army of alien warriors, the Ewoks.
Oh, God, I hate Ewoks.
Why? They're just teddy bears with spears.
Well, you're the one who wanted to stick faithful t'original.
But don't worry, because back at Pinewood, I'd already found the perfect Ewok.
Paddy, I've got someone I want you to meet.
Go on.
Ready? Hello, Paddy.
Hello, everybody.
What's that? It's an Ewok.
No, it's quite clearly Bungle from Rainbow.
Yeah, it's perfect.
He's furry, he's cuddly.
He's also, and no offence, mate, terrifying.
Oh, OK, not to worry.
Bye, everybody! Sorry, Bungle.
Well, I guess we need someone who is cuddly, looks a bit funny and he's very, very short.
They'll never do it.
We'll tell him it's for charity.
I'm not lying to Ant and Dec.
Unlike most people in TV, I've got principles.
Our search for Ewoks would have to continue.
Now our next job was to cast the most powerful Jedi in the universe, the bloke who taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows - Yoda.
But it wasn't a problem.
We simply got the guy that taught me everything I know about television.
My Jedi Master, Phillip Schofield.
Yes! Captain Solo has been freed, I have returned to complete my Jedi training, Master Yoda.
No more training do you need.
Already have all that you require.
Then I am a Jedi.
Patience, young Skywalker.
One thing remains.
Darth Vader.
That is a fantastic performance by Phillip Schofield there, innit? And you know why? Cos he stayed faithful to the original.
Master Yoda, there is one thing I need to know.
Is Darth Vader my father? Only one way to find out there is.
Ask Jeremy Kyle.
He has the results of the paternity test.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin'?! You're messing about with it again! Cut! No, I'm not.
As I remember, Jeremy Kyle wasn't in Return of the Jedi.
Yeah, I'm updating it.
What next? Boba Fett as played by Judge Rinder? That's not a bad idea is it.
Write that down.
Star Wars does not need updating.
You tell that to George Lucas.
He's always sticking new bits in it.
Fine, you can deal with the complaints.
Uh-huh.
Master Yoda, is Darth Vader my father? Ask Jeremy Kyle.
He has the results of the paternity test.
Nervous? A little.
You should be.
He's one of the darkest forces in the universe.
Takes one to know one.
Oi, I heard that! I'm actually really nice in real life.
(HEARTY LAUGHTER) So the DNA results are in.
And I can tell you the biological father of Luke Skywalker is It is Darth Vader.
Thank you, Jeremy Kyle.
Luke, Luke, one more thing to tell you there is before I die.
Master Yoda, you can't die.
There is another Skywalker.
Luke, Luke! Obi Wan, what are you doing here? I have returned from the netherworld to deliver some exposition.
That's why you have the white wadding around you, you're a ghost.
Correct.
Crack on.
Before Master Yoda died, he mentioned another Skywalker.
What does this mean? You have a twin sister, separated from you at birth.
Leia! But I kissed her, mouth open, tongue deep inside.
You did what?! Right, join me after the break to find out why this deviant seems to think it's OK to stick his tongue down his sister's throat.
We're right back.
What is wrong with you?! I didn't know she was my sister! Don't talk back to me! Steve, get him out of here.
That's impossible! She's not my sister! Yep, definitely preferred the original.
Luke! Where's Leia? I thought she was with you.
Any ideas, Chewie? (CHEWBACCA GROWL) So, our heroes are on Planet Endor and they're hiding from their mortal enemy Darth Vader and his evil empire.
And they're about to meet the planet's cuddly inhabitants, the Ewoks.
God.
What's your problem with Ewoks? I just don't get it.
I mean, George Lucas, he's built up this all powerful dark army.
Right.
Who does he send in to defeat it? Teddy bears.
So what you're saying is if Ewoks were a little less cuddly and a bit more dangerous, you wouldn't mind them? Maybe.
What now, what now? Hey, you! Lady.
You alive? Hey, what's a fine-looking woman like you doing all on your lonesome in a scary forest like this? Come up here and sit on the log with me.
That's right, child.
Come on.
Wow.
I like your poncho.
That's sweet.
Do you hear something? (BIRDS CHIRP) Whoa! Don't move.
Hand over the weapon.
Lord Vader will want to see you.
I'm going to put you down on the floor.
Ow! Hey, what the Oof! I wanna bash your skull like an egg.
I'm gonna bash you up so bad, you can't even remember your name.
Hey, what is your name anyway? I bet it's a bunch of numbers.
Cut! That good? Now, that, my friend, is how you play an Ewok.
Well, that don't make any sense.
Why? Because George Lucas' whole point of this was to symbolise the Vietnam War.
Ewoks are the Vietcong.
The seemingly unthreatening, jungle-dwelling army that no-one thought could beat, you know, the highly-organised, technically-advanced American war machine.
You know, if you make Ewoks into dangerous gangsters, well, you're totally missing the point of what George was trying to make.
Well, if you want to put it like that, Michelle.
What's the Vietcong? So unfortunately, it was back to the drawing board for the Ewoks.
Meanwhile, on Endor, Luke was being reunited with Princess Leia.
Now, the scene is set on a really atmospheric evening in the Ewok Village so I said to the crew, why don't we have a bit of space mist to create even more atmosphere? That's a lovely idea.
Luke.
Leia.
You've let your hair down.
It's long, like, 2ft long.
The Ewoks have agreed to help us.
(SIGHS) What's the matter, Luke? Peter is here, I can feel it.
Whilst I'm here, I'm endangering all of you.
I have to face him.
The Force runs strong in my family.
(COUGHS) My father has it.
I have it.
My sister has it.
Leia, are you still there? Yes.
Yes, it's me.
I'm your sister.
I know.
Somehow I've always known.
Then why did you French kiss me? Why do you have to face him, Luke? Didn't answer the question.
Why can't you run away? Just hold me one more time.
Mmm.
Sweet times.
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) Luke.
This way.
Yeah.
(COUGHS AND WHEEZES) Leia, what are you doing here? I don't want to talk about it.
But you could talk to Luke about it? That's who you could tell? I'm sorry, I'm still hereerm I can't find my way through the forest mist, the space mist.
That was a new low for you, really, wasn't it? Finally, Hans Solo and Princess Leia on their own, just about to have a moment.
Paddy, honestly, I was genuinely lost because there was too much mist.
Space mist.
It's that way.
Oh, thanks, Han.
(CRASHES) Ow! Ow! Argh.
I've banged my knee! Hold me.
Whose idea was it to have all this mist? It don't look like this in film! It's like the fog! Oh, man! Now we still need to find some Ewoks for the final scene.
There was only one thing for it.
We headed down to ITV studios to find two people who were kiddy-friendly, funny-looking, and very, very short.
Ewoks?! We're the biggest stars in British television.
You want us to play a couple of lousy Ewoks?! Hey, look, calm man, calm down.
I'll ask a couple of questions about the creative process, right? How much you paying? Ermwell, we ain't got a massive budget.
It's for charity.
(SIGHS) So with Ant and Dec on board, it was time for the climax, where Luke Skywalker meets his father, Darth Vader.
On the enemy base, The Death Star.
IMPERIAL MARCH (BREATHES HEAVILY) Father, I know there's still good in you.
The Emperor has not driven it away from you yet.
It is too late for me, son.
You do not understand the power of the Dark Side.
The Emperor is your Master now.
I've been expecting you, young Skywalker.
Soon you will call me Master.
Now, you might be wondering why we cast David Dickinson as the Emperor.
We're not saying he's evil.
He's actually a lovely bloke.
He's a lovely bloke.
We just needed someone who was incredibly old and incredibly wrinkly.
By God, did it take a long time to white him up.
I'm glad you came here to complete your training.
Good.
You want this, don't you? It's a right little bobby dazzler.
Yes, it is a bobby dazzler.
Give into your anger.
Take your lightsaber, strike me down and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.
No, you will never provoke me.
Fine! I'll just kill all your friends on Endor, then.
God damn it! (CACKLES) (GROANS) (SNIGGERS) Good, good.
Now fulfil your destiny and take your father's place at my side.
Never.
I am a Jedi like my father before me.
I will cause him no more pain.
(LIGHTSABER HITS DARTH VADER) Argh! So be it.
If you will not turn to the Dark Side, you will be destroyed.
Argh! (SCREAMS) Only now at the end do you understand the power of the Dark Side.
Father! Please! I'm sorry, Luke, but I will never betray my Master.
I'll give you prawn cracker! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Help me, Daddy! He knows how to press my buttons.
Argh! (CRIES OUT) Luke help me take this mask off.
But, father, you'll die.
Nothing can stop that now.
Remove my helmet so I may look at you with my own eyes.
(GROANS) What is it, son? Is it because my head looks like a lightly-boiled egg? Well, that wasn't in the original, Paddy.
Yeah, but I was set to give up at this stage.
If you can' And what's this apparatus here? Does that help you breathe? No, no, that's just my harmonica.
(PLAYS IMPERIAL MARCH ON HARMONICA) That's good.
Thank you.
Now go, son.
And let me die.
I can't leave you, father.
I'm gonna rescue you.
You already have, son.
You already have.
(BLOWS HARMONICA) So with the empire destroyed, it was time for our heroes to celebrate back on Endor.
With the shittest party in movie history.
YUB NUB (CHEWBACCA GROWL) (PLAYS HARMONICA) Hey, Han, what a great party.
Yeah, buterwhat are these Storm Troopers doing here? Hey, they're not any old Storm Troopers, it's Boogie Storm from Britain's Got Talent.
(GASPS) Stephen Mulhern sorted it out.
Check this.
Take it away, boys.
IMPERIAL MARCH DANCE REMIX Whoa, whoa! Boys! Stop! Yeah, loving all the back flips, but not very true to the film, is it? She's already had a go about the Ewoks.
Off you go.
Where are the Ewoks? Hm Where are the - Oh! (PLAYS DRUMS) Have you ever even heard of Ewok Relief? Nope.
But I'm digging this beat.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) Oh.
Hold on, Chewbacca's farted.
(GROANS) Ey! Eurgh! IMPERIAL MARCH
And I'm Keith Lemon.
And this is The Keith & Paddy Picture Show, where we recreate classic films in half an hour with the help of an all-star cast.
ALL: We're here to believe you! But the challenge of remaking a Hollywood classic as accurately as we can was never gonna be easy.
So we've had a documentary crew record all the drama behind the scenes as well as we struggle to get our remake to the screen.
What the hell are ya doing? This week Return of the Jedi.
# STAR WARS THEME Beep beep.
Of course I'm worried, and you should be too, most of our friends have never returned from this awful place.
Beep beep.
Don't be so sure, if I told you half the things I heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit.
Dooo.
What's that about there? I stuck a tache on it so people know it's me.
They wouldn't know it's me otherwise would they? Beep beep, ohhhh.
Looks good, though, don't it, Paddy, all of this? Looks like the film! You'd never think it were filmed in a quarry in Leyton Buzzard! Morning.
How do.
Star Wars, Return of the Jedi.
Amazing.
This is the one where the brave Rebel Alliance have their final battle against the Evil Empire.
It's the best one.
No messing about on this one, though, we've got to stay faithful, we don't wanna upset the biggest fan base in movie history.
Although you may have already noticed we've been forced to make a few changes already, because Star Wars is copyright protected, titles, names, creatures Creatures? Creatures, yeah.
But don't worry, just check out my Jabba the Hutt.
Stop it right there! You won't realise this, but you've just witnessed our first celebrity cameo.
Underneath that squidhead mask was none other than Good Morning Britain's Richard Arnold.
Oh, yes, just check out this behind-the-scenes footage.
It's incredible, innit? We do have bigger names (SPEAKS ALIEN LANGUAGE) Using that bloody stupid language, speak English.
And cover yourself, man! Flaunting it off! All right/font Who wears it round their neck! Bloody show off.
Jabba, we bring a message from our master, Luke Skywalker.
He wishes to bargain for the life of his friend, Hans Solo.
(LAUGHS) (CONTINUES LAUGHING) No! I'll give him to no one.
He's my favourite decoration.
Look, R2, Captain Solo is frozen in carbonite! Play the message from Master Skywalker.
Greetings, exalted one.
Look at that! I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.
I am here to plead for the life of my friend Hans Solo.
No.
/ Hey, R2, this is just a voice message, right? You're not videoing me or anything.
Dododo.
Cool.
Take it from the top.
Greetings, exhalted one.
I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Ahh What were you doing there? We agreed not to muck about.
I just thought that Luke's hologram speech was a bit dry, so I spiced it up a bit.
Back to Jabba's palace now, where a certain someone is about to try a rescue attempt.
(WIND CHIMES RATTLE) (CLATTERS) (MURMURING) (KEYBOARD JINGLE PLAYS) Huh? (MUSIC STOPPED) None of that happened in the original film! Well, the chimes happened in the original film, but granted, yeah, the Casio keyboard, I just popped that in for entertainment purposes And how very entertaining it was.
Aaah! Ooh! (PANTING) Relax.
You're free from the carbonite.
I can't see.
You're suffering from hibernation sickness, it'll pass.
Who are you? Somebody who loves you.
Um, are you gonna draw attention that? Michelle Keegan's playing Princess Leia? Yeah, it's good.
You were cock-a-hoop five minutes ago about Richard Arnold.
Oh, I see! I know what it is.
You're sulking, aren't ya? Cos I'm playing Hans Solo and you're playing Luke Skywalker and I get to kiss Michelle Keegan.
Haven't even thought about it, Patrick.
I have.
(PANTING) Leia! (DOG BARKS) Oh What's that? It's Chewbacca.
Cut! Oi! Did you know about this? What? Chewbacca being a whacking great dog.
Never mind that, Paddy.
Just check out my big green boobies.
Living the dream! Thanks for ruining that scene, I were that close.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Now one of the biggest problems they faced when making the original was assembling an army of alien warriors, the Ewoks.
Oh, God, I hate Ewoks.
Why? They're just teddy bears with spears.
Well, you're the one who wanted to stick faithful t'original.
But don't worry, because back at Pinewood, I'd already found the perfect Ewok.
Paddy, I've got someone I want you to meet.
Go on.
Ready? Hello, Paddy.
Hello, everybody.
What's that? It's an Ewok.
No, it's quite clearly Bungle from Rainbow.
Yeah, it's perfect.
He's furry, he's cuddly.
He's also, and no offence, mate, terrifying.
Oh, OK, not to worry.
Bye, everybody! Sorry, Bungle.
Well, I guess we need someone who is cuddly, looks a bit funny and he's very, very short.
They'll never do it.
We'll tell him it's for charity.
I'm not lying to Ant and Dec.
Unlike most people in TV, I've got principles.
Our search for Ewoks would have to continue.
Now our next job was to cast the most powerful Jedi in the universe, the bloke who taught Luke Skywalker everything he knows - Yoda.
But it wasn't a problem.
We simply got the guy that taught me everything I know about television.
My Jedi Master, Phillip Schofield.
Yes! Captain Solo has been freed, I have returned to complete my Jedi training, Master Yoda.
No more training do you need.
Already have all that you require.
Then I am a Jedi.
Patience, young Skywalker.
One thing remains.
Darth Vader.
That is a fantastic performance by Phillip Schofield there, innit? And you know why? Cos he stayed faithful to the original.
Master Yoda, there is one thing I need to know.
Is Darth Vader my father? Only one way to find out there is.
Ask Jeremy Kyle.
He has the results of the paternity test.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doin'?! You're messing about with it again! Cut! No, I'm not.
As I remember, Jeremy Kyle wasn't in Return of the Jedi.
Yeah, I'm updating it.
What next? Boba Fett as played by Judge Rinder? That's not a bad idea is it.
Write that down.
Star Wars does not need updating.
You tell that to George Lucas.
He's always sticking new bits in it.
Fine, you can deal with the complaints.
Uh-huh.
Master Yoda, is Darth Vader my father? Ask Jeremy Kyle.
He has the results of the paternity test.
Nervous? A little.
You should be.
He's one of the darkest forces in the universe.
Takes one to know one.
Oi, I heard that! I'm actually really nice in real life.
(HEARTY LAUGHTER) So the DNA results are in.
And I can tell you the biological father of Luke Skywalker is It is Darth Vader.
Thank you, Jeremy Kyle.
Luke, Luke, one more thing to tell you there is before I die.
Master Yoda, you can't die.
There is another Skywalker.
Luke, Luke! Obi Wan, what are you doing here? I have returned from the netherworld to deliver some exposition.
That's why you have the white wadding around you, you're a ghost.
Correct.
Crack on.
Before Master Yoda died, he mentioned another Skywalker.
What does this mean? You have a twin sister, separated from you at birth.
Leia! But I kissed her, mouth open, tongue deep inside.
You did what?! Right, join me after the break to find out why this deviant seems to think it's OK to stick his tongue down his sister's throat.
We're right back.
What is wrong with you?! I didn't know she was my sister! Don't talk back to me! Steve, get him out of here.
That's impossible! She's not my sister! Yep, definitely preferred the original.
Luke! Where's Leia? I thought she was with you.
Any ideas, Chewie? (CHEWBACCA GROWL) So, our heroes are on Planet Endor and they're hiding from their mortal enemy Darth Vader and his evil empire.
And they're about to meet the planet's cuddly inhabitants, the Ewoks.
God.
What's your problem with Ewoks? I just don't get it.
I mean, George Lucas, he's built up this all powerful dark army.
Right.
Who does he send in to defeat it? Teddy bears.
So what you're saying is if Ewoks were a little less cuddly and a bit more dangerous, you wouldn't mind them? Maybe.
What now, what now? Hey, you! Lady.
You alive? Hey, what's a fine-looking woman like you doing all on your lonesome in a scary forest like this? Come up here and sit on the log with me.
That's right, child.
Come on.
Wow.
I like your poncho.
That's sweet.
Do you hear something? (BIRDS CHIRP) Whoa! Don't move.
Hand over the weapon.
Lord Vader will want to see you.
I'm going to put you down on the floor.
Ow! Hey, what the Oof! I wanna bash your skull like an egg.
I'm gonna bash you up so bad, you can't even remember your name.
Hey, what is your name anyway? I bet it's a bunch of numbers.
Cut! That good? Now, that, my friend, is how you play an Ewok.
Well, that don't make any sense.
Why? Because George Lucas' whole point of this was to symbolise the Vietnam War.
Ewoks are the Vietcong.
The seemingly unthreatening, jungle-dwelling army that no-one thought could beat, you know, the highly-organised, technically-advanced American war machine.
You know, if you make Ewoks into dangerous gangsters, well, you're totally missing the point of what George was trying to make.
Well, if you want to put it like that, Michelle.
What's the Vietcong? So unfortunately, it was back to the drawing board for the Ewoks.
Meanwhile, on Endor, Luke was being reunited with Princess Leia.
Now, the scene is set on a really atmospheric evening in the Ewok Village so I said to the crew, why don't we have a bit of space mist to create even more atmosphere? That's a lovely idea.
Luke.
Leia.
You've let your hair down.
It's long, like, 2ft long.
The Ewoks have agreed to help us.
(SIGHS) What's the matter, Luke? Peter is here, I can feel it.
Whilst I'm here, I'm endangering all of you.
I have to face him.
The Force runs strong in my family.
(COUGHS) My father has it.
I have it.
My sister has it.
Leia, are you still there? Yes.
Yes, it's me.
I'm your sister.
I know.
Somehow I've always known.
Then why did you French kiss me? Why do you have to face him, Luke? Didn't answer the question.
Why can't you run away? Just hold me one more time.
Mmm.
Sweet times.
(MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY) Luke.
This way.
Yeah.
(COUGHS AND WHEEZES) Leia, what are you doing here? I don't want to talk about it.
But you could talk to Luke about it? That's who you could tell? I'm sorry, I'm still hereerm I can't find my way through the forest mist, the space mist.
That was a new low for you, really, wasn't it? Finally, Hans Solo and Princess Leia on their own, just about to have a moment.
Paddy, honestly, I was genuinely lost because there was too much mist.
Space mist.
It's that way.
Oh, thanks, Han.
(CRASHES) Ow! Ow! Argh.
I've banged my knee! Hold me.
Whose idea was it to have all this mist? It don't look like this in film! It's like the fog! Oh, man! Now we still need to find some Ewoks for the final scene.
There was only one thing for it.
We headed down to ITV studios to find two people who were kiddy-friendly, funny-looking, and very, very short.
Ewoks?! We're the biggest stars in British television.
You want us to play a couple of lousy Ewoks?! Hey, look, calm man, calm down.
I'll ask a couple of questions about the creative process, right? How much you paying? Ermwell, we ain't got a massive budget.
It's for charity.
(SIGHS) So with Ant and Dec on board, it was time for the climax, where Luke Skywalker meets his father, Darth Vader.
On the enemy base, The Death Star.
IMPERIAL MARCH (BREATHES HEAVILY) Father, I know there's still good in you.
The Emperor has not driven it away from you yet.
It is too late for me, son.
You do not understand the power of the Dark Side.
The Emperor is your Master now.
I've been expecting you, young Skywalker.
Soon you will call me Master.
Now, you might be wondering why we cast David Dickinson as the Emperor.
We're not saying he's evil.
He's actually a lovely bloke.
He's a lovely bloke.
We just needed someone who was incredibly old and incredibly wrinkly.
By God, did it take a long time to white him up.
I'm glad you came here to complete your training.
Good.
You want this, don't you? It's a right little bobby dazzler.
Yes, it is a bobby dazzler.
Give into your anger.
Take your lightsaber, strike me down and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete.
No, you will never provoke me.
Fine! I'll just kill all your friends on Endor, then.
God damn it! (CACKLES) (GROANS) (SNIGGERS) Good, good.
Now fulfil your destiny and take your father's place at my side.
Never.
I am a Jedi like my father before me.
I will cause him no more pain.
(LIGHTSABER HITS DARTH VADER) Argh! So be it.
If you will not turn to the Dark Side, you will be destroyed.
Argh! (SCREAMS) Only now at the end do you understand the power of the Dark Side.
Father! Please! I'm sorry, Luke, but I will never betray my Master.
I'll give you prawn cracker! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Help me, Daddy! He knows how to press my buttons.
Argh! (CRIES OUT) Luke help me take this mask off.
But, father, you'll die.
Nothing can stop that now.
Remove my helmet so I may look at you with my own eyes.
(GROANS) What is it, son? Is it because my head looks like a lightly-boiled egg? Well, that wasn't in the original, Paddy.
Yeah, but I was set to give up at this stage.
If you can' And what's this apparatus here? Does that help you breathe? No, no, that's just my harmonica.
(PLAYS IMPERIAL MARCH ON HARMONICA) That's good.
Thank you.
Now go, son.
And let me die.
I can't leave you, father.
I'm gonna rescue you.
You already have, son.
You already have.
(BLOWS HARMONICA) So with the empire destroyed, it was time for our heroes to celebrate back on Endor.
With the shittest party in movie history.
YUB NUB (CHEWBACCA GROWL) (PLAYS HARMONICA) Hey, Han, what a great party.
Yeah, buterwhat are these Storm Troopers doing here? Hey, they're not any old Storm Troopers, it's Boogie Storm from Britain's Got Talent.
(GASPS) Stephen Mulhern sorted it out.
Check this.
Take it away, boys.
IMPERIAL MARCH DANCE REMIX Whoa, whoa! Boys! Stop! Yeah, loving all the back flips, but not very true to the film, is it? She's already had a go about the Ewoks.
Off you go.
Where are the Ewoks? Hm Where are the - Oh! (PLAYS DRUMS) Have you ever even heard of Ewok Relief? Nope.
But I'm digging this beat.
Ooh! (LAUGHTER) Oh.
Hold on, Chewbacca's farted.
(GROANS) Ey! Eurgh! IMPERIAL MARCH