The Paper (2025) s01e03 Episode Script

-Hey. Water department figures.
-Oh, did that guy call back?
Oh, "Mr.
I Was Just About To Call"
-No, no, no. The
-Yes.
He said the inspection budget's
-down 10 percent.
-Down?
-Yeah.
-Great. So
You know who I'm gonna
follow up with?
Angie.
Okay.
Hey, Ed. You wanted to see me?
Hey. Adam,
did you just call me "Ed"?
-My name's Ned.
-It's short for editor-in-chief.
I saw you and Mare talking fast
to one another, and I thought,
"You guys wanna save some time?
Watch this."
Well, it worked.
Okay, so,
"Local man Victor Premens
stuffed a Dyson in his pants
"and walked out of
an East Toledo Target as a joke,
but the prudish store manager
didn't get the punchline."
-Crazy.
-It is.
Who was your source
for this article?
Victor Premens.
The man who stuffed
the vacuum in his pants?
Yeah, as a hilarious joke.
Okay.
Did you get any other sources
-for the article?
-Hmm
-I did not.
-No, right.
I want you to consider
that Victor
may have been lying to you.
-Mm
-That he only said
that it was a joke
because he got caught.
Um Okay.
I think this could be
the lead story
in the "Also News."
-Happy?
-Yeah. Thank you.
Oh, yeah, I started something
called the "Also News."
We print it right here,
it's distributed
only on this floor,
and Adam is the star reporter
for the "Also News."
As journalists,
we are going to get lied to.
But one of our jobs
is to separate
fact from fiction.
And to place commas correctly,
right, Adelola?
-It was one comma. Let it go.
-Yeah.
Yeah, so, I wrote a sad story
about a woman
who owned a pet pig. Um
The pig was also named Yvette,
so that didn't help.
So I thought,
as we're all still new to this,
we could play a little game
to train our instincts.
The game is called
"Two Truths And A Lie".
It's fun.
Uh, the drinking game, right?
Oh, I would actually prefer
not to drink at work
if that's okay.
We're not gonna drink.
No one's drinking. Ahem.
Okay. Pair up and, uh,
get your BS detectors out.
-Travis.
-Should I get Mare?
Oh, no, she's on deadline.
Right, Mare?
-Right Hey, Mare.
-I'm on deadline.
Okay.
Remember, you're listening
for the ring of truth
and the clonk of lies.
Okay.
-Go.
-Okay.
I buy a new toothbrush
every week,
I can't feel pain
on the bottoms of my feet,
and I once misdialed
a phone number
and accidentally called
Martin Lawrence.
Okay, well, you don't have
that many good stories.
So I don't think
you would've held onto
the Martin Lawrence thing
for that long, right?
Unless it's not
the Martin Lawrence
-that we all know and love.
-Ooh.
May I please see
the bottoms of your feet?
-No.
-Martin Lawrence is a lie.
-Nice. Very good. Very good.
-That was good.
Thank you.
I once knocked out Muhammad Ali.
-And?
-And what?
Okay, who doesn't have
any good stories?
Oh, my goodness.
You've reached Martin Lawrence.
When you hear that beep,
you know what to do.
What? Yes!
Well,
the first time I called him,
he thought I was his niece,
and we had
this sweet heart-to-heart
about my spending habits,
but ever since then
it just goes to voicemail, yeah.
-Holy crap, that's
-Who's this?
Wait, he just texted.
"Stop calling this number."
Oh! What?
Are you kidding me? For real?
Can you send me his number?
All right. Adam's piece was
picked up by the "Also News,"
so we are one article short.
Oh, how terrible.
Ugh, Ned is still here.
Perhaps he has cockroach DNA.
Do you know cockroach?
That you try to smash it
but then it doesn't die?
He turns on his back, you know?
That's Ned.
And you pretend that
you're happy that he's alive.
-Ned.
-Yeah?
I really want this to succeed.
Thanks.
What is our Wirecutter?
What is our Wordle?
We need things
which keep people's minds
off the bloody news.
You have to remember
People On Toilets.
-I have an idea.
-Oh, my God.
-How long have you been there?
-The whole time.
I thought
you were a pile of shirts.
Nope.
Yes, Mare? Let's hear it.
Ah, so in the 90s,
the paper used to do
this section
called "Shame On You."
We'd like,
uncover a business scam
and catch them in the act.
Oh. That's Okay, that's good.
-I like that.
-Yeah.
I've got a list of businesses
who wouldn't advertise with us,
so you can select your targets
from there, Mare.
Mare, do you have a business
in mind?
Okay, I just bought
a new mattress.
Do you know this scam
with mattress stores?
Ugh. Okay, so, basically,
they all carry
the exact same stuff
but change the names
so you can't compare prices.
-False advertising scam.
-God yeah.
Let's do it.
Okay. Great.
Great.
-Ned.
-Yeah?
I'm so sorry
about the disappointing news.
You must be very sad.
What's? Uh Sorry, what?
Oh, because you don't know?
About Mare?
Mare, the woman whose parents
named her after a horse.
She's leaving us
for the hotel business.
What?
No, that makes no sense.
I literally just sent her out
on a story just now.
Sadly, I got a call
from Mr. Bob Willis at Radisson
checking for her references.
She got accepted
to a concierge training program,
which we know is:
But it seems like
that's what she wants.
-She didn't say anything to me.
-She's embarrassed.
I mean, it's giving up
her dreams for a paycheck.
Or maybe
she just doesn't believe in you.
She's She's the only one here
with any reporting experience.
I will never get
a fair hearing from Ned.
I mean, I could be the most
amazing reporter on this planet,
some people say I am.
But I could never beat
the sex pheromones
that Mare is putting out there.
-I'm gonna talk to her about it.
-Wait! Wait.
-What? What?
-Why do you want to do that?
Because she's our best reporter
and I don't wanna lose her.
-And?
-And? What?
You think
she's a beautiful woman?
From a certain angle?
With the right light?
What? Oh, okay. No. Um Hey.
Uh Uh
That is
incredibly inappropriate.
She's your favorite.
I saw you looking at her
like a dog on my auntie's leg.
Christ, no, no, no. Stop that.
That is not Hey, stop that!
I would not do that.
I barely We've been I
She works with me.
-My mistake. I apologize.
-Good.
Actually, it's good
because I thought
this would've been
more bad news for you,
but now I feel
that I can tell you
and it's not going to hurt
your feelings.
-Yeah.
-Okay, because Mare,
she's, uh, you know, assesuale.
-I don't What?
-She's "a sexual." Like,
-she's not a sexual person.
-Oh.
-I don't Okay.
-She's not, really.
That's why they want her
at Radisson,
because she is a diversity hire.
Sure. I don't
That's not any of my
-Yeah.
-business. Whatever way she
-Of course.
-I don't care about that.
It's just that she's a-sexual.
-I got it. Stop.
-Like, this is what she is.
First of all, whatever way
Mare wants to live her life
is her choice.
-Oh, yeah.
-Okay? Second of all
-are you sure?
-You should ask her.
I'm sure she would be okay
to talk about it with you.
Because you are her boss.
You are curious
about her sexuality
-No.
-and if the HR lawyers
would say anything about it,
I got your back.
Uh
Mint?
Uh
I'm trying to run a paper here.
I can't be losing
my best reporter
to the Radisson.
Maybe they'd take Adam.
-Hey.
-Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm just printing these
and I'm off
No, not at all.
I'm not rushing you,
just take your time.
It's been around
a hundred years,
it'll be around a hundred more.
Um
If you had to put odds
on us succeeding,
you know, near future,
long-term.
Mm-hmm?
What are you feeling? A number.
Ninety-five percent.
Ninety-five percent.
-Wow.
-I'm leaving 5 percent open
in case of asteroid,
which'd be a shame
because that would be
a great story.
Great story. Yeah.
But, otherwise, no doubts
whatsoever. Hundred percent.
Asteroids are real. Ninety-five.
Wow. Well, you can't beat
those odds.
I'm sorry, 95 percent?
That's delusional, right?
And a little nerve-wracking,
considering he holds my career
in his hands.
Unless he's really amazing.
I mean, he did sell
a crazy amount of toilet paper.
Okay, I'll see you later.
-No, don't. Uh, don't leave.
-What was that?
Let's hunt down
the mattress store story
together, you and me.
You wanna come to some
mattress stores with me?
Because you've got such
a fun job, let's both enjoy it.
Sure.
Woodward and Woodward's boss.
-Ben Bradlee.
-Okay, you actually knew that.
Oh, you run so athletically.
Hey, chief.
Hey, just 'cause
I'm your editor-in-chief,
you don't have to call me that.
Uh, I wasn't. I'm just
I'm not good with names.
Um
-Ned.
-Ned! Ned. Ned.
-Ned.
-Ned, Ned, Ned.
I knew it was something
old-timey. Ned, got it.
-Ned.
-Is this?
Anyways, "Two Truths and A Lie."
Very helpful. Since I finished
my article already,
I wanted to know if I could
do it with somebody else.
-Like for practice.
-Oh.
-Maybe, um, Nicole?
-Travis? Or?
Yeah, yeah, Travis is cool,
but I was thinking more like
-Adam?
-Nicole?
Whoever you want.
Okay, I'm gonna tell Nicole
you said to do it.
Thanks, Fred.
Detrick.
I don't really think of him
that way.
My type historically
has been know-it-alls
who don't really like me.
So pretty much
the complete opposite
of Detrick.
Oscar?
-Uh, may I approach?
-You may.
So me and Mare,
we're working on
a really interesting piece.
-I don't care.
-Called "Shame On You."
I know you don't care.
I know you don't.
No pressure, all right?
No pressure.
I'm not putting
any pressure on you.
I can see that.
But just in case
it's not done in time,
would you mind whipping up
another sudoku for the paper?
That last one was just
It was so good.
-I couldn't look away.
-Thank you.
-I'm pretty busy.
-Okay, totally.
I know you're good with numbers.
Could be fun.
Well, saying that work is fun
is a form of pressure.
Quite frankly, it's giving me
PTSD from an old boss.
Okay, I apologize.
No more pressure.
-I'll put you down as a maybe?
-Don't count on it.
Okay.
Maybe, I love maybe
I don't know why Ned wants us
to play "Two Truths and a Lie,"
but he's the boss, so, um
Yeah.
Sushi?
Where'd you get that sushi?
There's no sushi around here.
Oh, I hate to disagree
with you right off the bat,
but they have it
at the gas station.
Ew.
When'd you get that sushi?
You haven't left all day,
and your car was here
when I got in.
-Okay, "The Noticer."
-Yeah, that's what they call me.
Cool.
There's a new noticer in town.
All right, um, how about this.
I ask you a question,
you don't wanna answer it,
you, uh, eat a piece of sushi.
It's not that bad, for real.
Well, there's your lie.
Okay.
Okay, so, what kind of couple
should we be?
Just a regular couple.
Not regular. Uh, hetero Cis?
-I don't understand
-What are you asking?
No, just I mean,
are we bougie, you know?
Or are we cheap?
Are we too online?
Are we not online, you know?
Do we have kids?
Do you want kids and I don't,
and it's tearing us?
If this is making you
at all uncomfortable,
we don't have to be
a couple at all, all right?
We can just be
brother and sister.
Who are buying
a mattress together?
Our mom gets debilitating
bladder infections.
She's She's incontinent.
We have to buy a mattress
for her.
My God,
we're just a couple, okay?
And keep the mom thing
in your back pocket
if everything goes wrong.
I am so sorry
to hear about your mother.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
It's his mother.
We're actually married.
I'm also her boss.
At a sleep research facility.
But we keep things
very professional, right?
We don't use
any of the beds at work for
This would be our home mattress
where we Where
It'd be our We're
So we're actually doing
that whole like,
going around, price comp thing.
-Oh.
-And we were super interested
in your
StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam,
-right, honey?
-Yes. Yes. Hm.
Yes, right over here.
Oh. Great. Oh.
Nineteen hundred for a queen.
Great. And now your ad says
that you match any price, right?
That's right. As long
as it's the same mattress.
Totally. That's great.
Because we actually just saw one
over at Twice Upon A Mattress
that looks identical
to the StayCoolHybrid
FirmRest Foam,
but it was 1550.
-Would you honor that price?
-Ah.
I assure you,
the StayCoolHybrid FirmRest Foam
-is exclusive to our store.
-Ah.
That's too bad,
since I'm a sleep researcher
and my wife is the person
who shaves people
-before our experiments
-A nurse?
It's more specific than that.
We could really use
these savings.
I wish I could help.
But the lumbar support,
it definitely will.
Heh, do you mind
just checking for us, though?
-She's very thorough.
-Yeah. I'm just gonna go, um
-Thank you.
-Let me see
if I can get my manager.
-Thank you.
-That'd be great.
Hi.
I am incredibly sorry
about my limp.
I hurt my foot last night.
At my match.
Darts playoff final.
We won.
-I scored the winning double.
-Hm.
This happened afterwards.
I was mugged.
Nearly mugged,
for the winnings and trophy.
Ken, I heard you dropped a dart
on your foot?
I did, indeed, sir.
This is just our bi-weekly
budget meeting with Marv
in which we have absolutely
nothing unusual planned.
And if I am rubbing
my hands together slightly,
it's because
it's chilly in here.
Everybody here?
Yes, I believe we are all here.
Well, let me double check.
One, two, three, four
Oh, my God, where's Ned?
He was going to be
the fourth person I counted.
-No Ned.
-Yesterday, he said that
his time is too precious
to waste it
with boring, pointless meetings.
Does Ned think
this is one of those?
Impossible. Surely.
Hm.
Interesting way
to make an impression.
-Right?
-Should we just call him?
Oh, no. No, no need.
He knows about this meeting,
I left him a note.
-She left him a note.
-Okay.
Oh, MOB-MI-AB.
"Marv's Office
Budget Meeting In A Bit."
Yes, classic shorthand.
Ned doesn't have time
to read the whole sentence
while he's flirting all day long
with that U.S. troop.
Okay, would you rather be able
to speak to animals
Mm
speak any human language
ever that you want?
Speak to animals.
-Yeah.
-No one talks to animals.
-Right.
-Um
-We could talk about your bird?
-Um
Well, Cardi Beek
was given to me as a gift.
And then I just
I just got attached.
Who gives a live bird
as a gift to someone?
So much work, it's like
handing someone a baby.
That's psychotic.
It's pretty psychotic, right?
Yeah. No, this
This guy I used to date
Oh, um, what happened? Was the
The bird the last straw?
No, his wife was.
Ooh. Um
Let's Let's keep going. Um
What's, um What's your?
What's your favorite brand
of ketchup?
Where the heck is this guy?
I'm starting to get worked up!
-Don't get worked up, Marv.
-Ann's right.
I'm not gonna get worked up.
Let's get him on the phone. Ann!
Yes, Marv?
I think we should start.
Ned is so gifted
at delegating to me.
Let's start.
-False alarm, Ann.
-Oh, well.
It was time for me
to stretch my legs anyway, so
You okay? ANN: Yeah, I'm good.
Right, so first on the docket,
paying for stories.
Turns out,
we have to do that, legally.
Otherwise,
we don't own the stories.
-Huh.
-Oh, no, really?
I mean, that's going to cost
more money.
That's a big problem.
Maybe we could stop doing
original stories
and we could go back
to the way it was before Ned.
At least until we figure out
what's going on.
Hm.
Well, we don't have
unlimited money
to throw around
We're all in agreement there,
but may
That's why we should just wait
till Ned gets here
to talk about this.
His absence
has done his talking for him.
-Don't you agree?
-Don't you?
Before we continue, I have to
use the restroom, please.
Please.
So formal.
All right, whatever.
The fix is in.
Ned is going to get screwed
by Esmeralda and Ken
but if I go against them,
Esmeralda will hold it
against me forever.
This one's
actually pretty comfortable.
Oh, yeah, the Relaxer Cloud.
That's the one I went with.
You spent $2200?
Jesus, no, that's for the queen.
Mine was like 600 on sale.
-Six hundred?
-Yeah.
-What's that, like a twin?
-Mm-hmm.
What?
I Sorry,
I served our country.
I got used to a narrow bed
in the Army.
No Yes. Army. Got it.
Army? Come on.
You cannot choose
what kind of bed you wanna buy.
That's just the way
you were born.
If buying a twin bed
is what feels right,
then that's what's right.
Doesn't make you any less
of a reporter, of anything.
It just means you've got
more space in your bedroom
to buy a desk
to do more reporting.
Oh, my God.
I just like being held, okay?
What's the point
of sleeping with someone
if you can't even feel them
because the bed is so big?
I mean, a king bed is like,
"Okay, goodnight,
see you tomorrow,
hope nothing bad happens to you
in your sleep
because
I'd never know about it."
I mean,
Cindy is never coming back.
-She's getting her manager.
-Are you kidding?
We've been here like 20 minutes.
She said she was coming back.
She has to.
Otherwise,
she's leaving herself open
to a bad
customer service review.
She's coming back.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
-Oh, you know what?
-Yeah?
Um, this, uh, is my dad.
-Mm-hmm.
-Um
I'll be right back.
Hi, Mr. Willis, how are you?
Yes, no, I am
absolutely interested. Um
Could I just have
until tomorrow morning
to get back to you?
Thank you so much,
you have a good day as well.
Okay.
-How is he?
-Um, he's okay.
COVID for like the fourth time.
Cindy?
-Cindy?
-She's not coming back
-Cindy!
-Ned.
I mean, I don't think
she's coming back.
This is unreal.
What?
Hey, look at this.
Dayton Bold Manufacturers.
It's a mattress supplier.
You have that in there?
-Yes.
-Direct number.
They've got a mattress store
caller ID. Should we?
-I don't know. Should we?
-I think I think we should.
-Okay.
-I think I am.
-Oh, my God, okay.
-I think I am.
I think I'm doing it right now.
-Well, let me
-Go.
Of course
she'd come back right now.
Yeah, you're good.
Hi, no, it's not Cindy,
she's in the back.
This is Ned, calling
from her desk with a question.
I hope you can help me.
Great, yes. Could you crosscheck
the different mattress names
that you have on file
against a model number
that I have here?
Fantastic, thank you very much.
-It's AP 182928.
-Ask for all of them.
Thank you, Amanda.
Yes, I've got a pen.
Yeah, if you could give me
the different names.
Uh-huh, and what else?
Oh, my God, Amanda,
that's ing great.
Sorry, excuse my language.
Thank you so much.
Wow, ha-ha!
-So we all agree, right?
-Yes.
This is the end
of the experiment.
Bring back wire stories,
save money. Easy math.
I would talk to Ned before
we pull the plug on originals,
but he's AWOL.
Mmm. Mm-mm.
No other cuts in the budget?
No, sir. It is air-tight.
Like a puppy in a purse.
Okay. I did find one thing.
There's a line item
for a storage unit
that, apparently, we've
been renting for nine years.
Turns out,
it's an apartment unit.
This is actually
a very funny mistake.
Um, so what it was,
was Enervate,
if I recall correctly,
rented me a very small,
furnished apartment
for a couple of weeks
when I first moved over
from Saint Alban's,
and that somehow, God knows how,
got filed as a warehouse.
Oh, my God, can you even imagine
if my stuff is still in there?
-No.
-Huh, that's odd.
What's this? No. No, no.
I mean, that's just
I think the simplest thing to do
would be to get rid of that,
um just in terms of
we don't wanna throw
good money after bad
by looking into it
and hiring an investigator,
-or-or that sort of stuff.
-Okay.
So maybe we just put the money
back into the newspaper.
Yay, journalism wins.
-Hm, good!
-Good!
-Glad we figured that out.
-I'm glad we figured that out.
I'm glad we figured it out.
Wow, ha, ha! You're such
a little whiz kid.
Ha! Whiz kid.
I'm 55, but thank you.
So little whiz guy.
Okay, fine. I'm 59. You got me.
Wow, okay, y'all are still here.
Don't you people have jobs?
We should probably say
that we are reporters
from The Truth Teller
doing a story
on consumer protection.
I knew your mother wasn't sick.
We confirmed
with the manufacturer
that your StayCoolHybrid
FirmRest Foam is, in fact,
the same exact model as the one
at Twice Upon A Mattress.
Also, My Sleep Mattress,
Hammock Matters,
Got Your Back Mattress,
Perfect Sleep Mattress,
-Cloud Evolution.
-Pillow Mattress.
Which should qualify them
for the price match guarantee.
-They're the same bed.
-Okay. All right. So what?
There's no proof.
Other than some scribbles
on a piece of paper.
If you wanna just
-And right over. It's Mandy.
-Oh, yeah, Mandy.
Boo-ya! Shame on your ass!
-All right.
-Oh, no.
-I, um, actually hate this job.
-Oh.
I hate this stupid polo
that they make you
pay for yourself.
I was too scared
to be a geologist,
and now it's too late.
So get your notepads out.
Let's burn it all down.
Let's get some water.
And then we can get into it.
-Yeah.
-I'll help.
-Get some water?
-I'm gonna write it too.
-We're all good. Well
-I'll write it.
Hey.
I actually have
a lot of work to do.
It'll just take a second.
Um, so it was hard to crack,
but I think I figured it out.
So, your two truths are,
you do hate camping
and you are allergic to pecans.
And the lie was, um,
you dated a married guy.
Yep. You nailed it.
There we go. Um, thanks again.
"How do you sleep at night?"
-That's great.
-It is, isn't it?
-It's great.
-I thought it was.
Yep.
God, I just hope
Cindy finds peace.
Listen,
I have to be honest with you.
I was perhaps
a little overexuberant
earlier on
with my 95 percent assessment
of the paper's chance
of success.
Oh.
The industry is in shambles.
People hate reporters right now.
I mean, our staff
-Sucks.
-No, but it is what it is.
-A 95 percent was optimistic.
-Sure.
It's probably closer to 85.
Okay.
"Nothing great was ever achieved
without enthusiasm."
According to a poster
in my middle school hallway
-Ah.
-so.
Mine said, "Break dancing
will result in expulsion."
-Sure.
-So.
I don't know. I'm young.
The hospitality world
will always be there.
I'll see you tomorrow?
Yeah.
-Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
-Cool.
All right, buddy.
Yeah, night, dude.
Also, who could break up
"Buddy and The Dude"?
Yeah. I'm feeling good.
Another one down.
We did good journalism.
And
there's a budget meeting?
Shit. Uh
Shame on them.
-Ann!
-Right here, Marv.
Don't fire Ned!
You nev You never told me
to fire Ned.
I would've written it
in my book.
Then who'd? Who did we fire?
Nobody?
Good.