The Reluctant Vampire (2026) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1
We gather here to bear witness
as my son and heir,
Prince Valentine,
enters vampire hood,
by feasting upon the throat
of a human
IGON YELLS
Igon, what is going on, you fool?!
Forgive me, sir. I didn't know
the initiation ceremony was today.
This is clearly a rehearsal,
isn't it?
There's no-one here.
I'm sorry. It's just that
HUSHED: I noticed the deeds
to the castle are missing.
You haven't touched them, have you?
No, I don't know anything
about that.
Excuse me, sorry,
is this a new bit?
It's just that I wasn't told
there was a new bit.
It's an interruption. Right.
And was it OK when
I sort of swayed like that?
Because I thought, "I think
my character would sway."
You know you won't be needed
on the night.
You're just standing in.
OK, well,
that wasn't explained to me.
Uh, can I ask a question
about my character?
So, uh, I know he's a drummer,
but does he enjoy drumming?
And has he drummed for long?
Yes, he he likes drumming.
Also, the script says,
"Bat flaps wings,"
but it'd be accurate
to say "flutter".
So I'd like that changed.
Either's fine.
Because if he's expecting me
to flap,
ain't going to happen.
Right. Shall we go again?
No, no, no, I think
that's enough for today.
Uh, great work, everyone.
Great work, great work.
Great flapping. Well done, Basil.
BASIL SCOFFS
It's fluttering.
VALEETA: You're not a vampire, love.
VICTOR: My son is ready
for his initiation.
If you just manage
to keep this between us.
Just our little secret.
As a consequence
for his failure,
my family were usurped
and forced to live in penury
and shame.
VOICES ECHO
VOICES STOP ABRUPTLY
HE GASPS
Three weeks till my initiation.
Three weeks to work out how
I'm going to pass myself off
as a vampire.
The kind of high-pressure event
humans like Gertie
don't have to worry about.
HE SIGHS
Then again
I don't see what the big deal is.
Exactly. Never even asked for it.
I don't even care about the prom.
Do you want to go?
Yeah, I-I-I'd love to. Yeah.
What time does it start?
No, I meant, do you want a go
on the catapult?
HIGH-PITCHED: Yeah!
Yeah, I know what you meant!
So why ask what time it starts?
Like, I was talking about my go
on the on the catapult.
What time does my go
on the catapult start?
And the time it starts is now.
You thought I was asking you
to prom!
That's hilarious.
If you say so.
Well, I mean, it's hilarious
that you thought
It's not hilarious I'd consider.
You could, if you wanted to.
Could?
Could come to prom, with me.
Um, yeah. Yeah, all right.
It's not a big deal. No.
I mean, what's a prom, anyway?
That was going to be
my next question.
Big dance in a school hall. Wow!
Every school has one.
They definitely do, yeah.
What's yours like?
What's ours like? Um
What's ours like?!
HE CHUCKLES
It's, um
Ours is
HE SUCKS TEETH
It's just
sort of a normal dance, really.
Begins with a stately minuet
set to chamber music.
And then the drummers start,
and then, by the end,
everyone's chanting Latin
and writhing in ecstasy.
Ours is pretty much the same.
Other than the Latin.
Are you sure you want to go?
Yeah.
Saturday 8pm.
Saturday, 8pm.
Saturday, 8pm? What's Saturday, 8pm?
Oh! Oh, this?!
Just reminding myself
to to have a Saturday, 8pm.
Mm. Yeah.
Cos otherwise, you know,
I'll jump from seven to nine,
and then it just gets all messy.
You've had a letter from Alexis.
Says he's coming here this weekend.
He's coming here?
Huh! Good!
Ah!
I'm pleased about that.
Good, Val, yes, great.
Ha! Uh Then why are you sweating?
Yes, why is Valentine sweating?
Sweating! Sweating?!
I'm not. I'm not.
You are. You're sweating.
I'm a vampire. It's almost
impossible for me to sweat.
The last time I saw you
this sweaty was
when you ogled that vampiress
and lied about it.
HE WHEEZES
Ogled?!
I was simply admiring her brooch -
her two brooches.
There's something
you're not telling me.
There's something
you're not telling me.
There isn't, my darling!
And you can ask me that question
as many times as you like,
for as long as you like,
but my resolve shall not yield,
and my answer will not change.
What do you mean, "lost it"?
How can you lose a castle?
In a game of cards.
Have you lost your mind?
No, no, no. Just the castle.
When did this happen?
Years ago, I went to Vienna
to play some hands of gummy
with the chaps.
With my foolproof system,
I'd never been beaten.
Then Alexis shows up.
He was strangely confident.
And as the stakes grew,
I gambled more and more,
eventually laying down
the deeds for our home.
Until
Your foolproof system
wasn't foolproof.
Alexis was using the same system.
I was given a century
to gather our belongings,
and that would be now.
Does that mean
we have to find another house?
Yes. No. Of course not.
You just tell him you made a mistake
and ask for him to let you off.
HE SCOFFS
No, no!
There are plenty of castles
we can move into.
Bodmin Hall, say,
or Hesselby Castle,
which has wonderful ocean views.
It did.
It collapsed into the North Sea
ten years ago. Ah.
HE SNAPS FINGERS
And I thought Bodmin Hall
was overrun by moths.
But what are moths
but butterflies without the ego?
Victor,
you need to swallow your pride
and ask for him to let you off.
I can't and I won't.
Victor
There are some things
worth fighting for.
It's easy.
You just tell him you got it wrong.
I'm sure Alexis
won't make a big thing of it.
Hmm
Unfortunately,
she's wrong on both counts.
I don't think I've ever heard
my dad admit fault.
And he and Alexis
are bitter rivals,
each refusing to be the bigger man.
Apart from their annual
"Who's The Bigger Man?"
competition.
I was just thinking, Father,
with Alexis visiting,
perhaps it would make you
look more successful
to be surrounded by your family.
All of us together.
Maybe a formal dinner.
Mmm.
Yes. Good.
Saturday, 8pm?
Yeah.
That's great.
But this Saturday. 8pm.
Mm-hm! Yeah.
It's a date.
A Saturdate! Thank you, Valentine.
Igon! I just remembered,
didn't you have something on at 8pm?
No. Sure?
Because if you did,
I'm sure I could talk Father
out of this whole family thing.
All you'd have to do is
just tell me what you're doing.
No idea what you're talking about.
THEY CHUCKLE
HE THUMPS TABLE
Wish I could be in two places
at once.
Well, there'd have to be two of you.
Pity your father got rid
of that shift shaper.
The what? Forgive him.
He means shaft shipper.
Shaft shipper?
You mean ship shafter?
What's a ship shafter?
I'll try again.
Uh, shake shipfer.
Are you talking about
a shapeshifter?
BOTH: That's it!
I didn't know we had one. We don't.
He's been banished
to the retirement home.
Your father sends
unwanted staff there.
He was going to send Guy here,
but apparently
he's a load-bearing wall.
Yeah, a real vote of confidence.
It's more of a retirement home
for unwanted staff
than a prison.
It's not like a prison.
Don't know why people
keep saying "prison".
You're the only one
that keeps saying "prison".
It's just a place
for people whose time was up.
Your father stopped liking
the cut of their jib.
I mean, what was he supposed to do -
let them work here forever?
Let them work somewhere else?
Hmm.
Or put them in a nice home.
Keep them safely locked away
three floors below ground.
LOCKS CLUNK
There's really nothing sinister
about it.
Oh, you might want
to cover your nose.
It gets quite pungent.
Isn't that just you?
Yeah, it is me, but in there - more.
Ah, familiar faces.
Oh, look, there's Mumsy,
your old nanny. You remember her?
That'll be the pungent smell.
Yeah!
IGON CHUCKLES
Harpsichord player. Deaf butler.
LOUDER: Deaf butler.
Here he is. Oh, the cook.
She's terrible. She gave
your father food poisoning.
Oh! Oh, and here's the jester.
His jokes are quite racy.
What, a bit cheeky?
No. Like quite racist.
Racist. Yeah.
There's Don. He's a gamekeeper.
He was very big into pig husbandry.
Oh! Well,
no wonder he got rid of him.
Not that kind of husbandry.
Good, good.
Who on earth gave you
permission to be down here?!
I should have the two of you
flogged.
Father, I swear, I didn't
HE CHUCKLES
Only joking.
Ta-da!
It's only Clifford,
our resident shapeshifter.
That was amazing!
Around 100 years ago,
he was really big
on the after-dinner circuit.
But, um things went wrong.
I've still got it, though,
haven't I?
Uh, yeah, you sure do.
Theoretically, you could have
ordered the release
of everyone in here,
and no-one would have known
that it wasn't the King.
And break up the gang?
Ha! No way!
The laughs we have.
CLIFFORD CHUCKLES
So, what can I do for you?
So, here's the plan.
You find somewhere to hide.
I take my place
in the family dinner.
At 7.30, I leave the room.
But when I return,
it's actually you
pretending to be me
leaving the real me free
to sneak out of the castle,
and take Gertie to the prom.
How does that sound?
Absolutely foolproof.
What's happening here?
Father's trying to butter up
his friend.
He lost the house in a card game.
He needs to plead for it back.
Suffering Jesus.
I need this place to look perfect.
Just because Alexis is coming?
You don't know what he's like.
He's always trying
to get one over on me.
When I went to his house,
he had six musicians.
I want seven. He had
two butlers - I want three.
He had 12 concubines. I
I don't want a concubine,
thank you very much.
I have a beautiful wife whom I love.
I hope you're not still
competing with Alexis.
You're meant to be appealing
to his good nature.
I would - if he had one.
BANGING ON DOOR
Hello, Alexis.
Good evening, Victor.
HE INHALES DEEPLY
How many rooms does this house have?
37. Gosh!
Mine has 40.
And how old is this house?
900 years old.
Gosh!
Mine's 1,000.
Yeah. Actually, come to think of it,
this place is around 1,000
HE CLEARS THROA
years old, too. Oh!
Cos the date on the cornerstone
outside said 1150.
HE SMACKS LIPS
Yes. That was, uh
not the year
in which it was built,
but the time.
It said "AD".
Yes.
That's 11.50 "after dinner".
Are these your two sons?
Yes. Two strong vampire boy
Hey! Get out of the way, you serf!
Begone! These are my two sons.
Oh, gosh. I have three.
Ah, the Queen.
As usual, her odour -
feast for the nose.
HE INHALES DEEPLY
Delicious.
My nostrils are aquiver.
Does she come with the house?
Ha. I thought you had a wife.
No. Sadly, she died.
Well, mine is still very much alive.
HE CLEARS THROA
HIGH-PITCHED GONG
Dinner is served.
My Queen,
I'm sally
if I made you feel insecure.
This is your home,
and I shall get it back for you.
I'm sally if I upset you.
Thank you.
Are you saying sally or sorry?
I-I mean the second one.
But I'm saying the first,
as that particular word
gets stuck in my throat somewhat.
You're doing the right thing.
I know. I
I thought about what you said,
and I thought,
"She's right." Mm!
Some things are worth fighting for.
That's why, after dinner,
I shall take it upon myself
Ask for the house.
..to win back our house.
Sorry, "win"? In a duel!
With swords. Like you said,
"Fight for it!"
No, no, I meant fight, as in
Double or quits.
And when I win, we shall be quits.
And if you lose?
The trick is not to lose.
But if you do lose?
The trick is
But if you do?
The trick What if you lose?!
Then we lose everything.
Our castle, the crown,
all our money.
Alexis is a champion fencer.
Yes, but my fencing coach says
fencing is all in the mind.
And I've fenced in my mind
a dozen times,
and I've won every time.
I've got this, darling.
Victor, be nice.
And here's the dining room -
the room we use for dining.
I think it's from the Latin
What are the chains for?
One of our house guests
is a werewolf,
and he can get a little erratic
on a full moon.
So sometimes we manacle him
to the wall.
Ah!
Look, we simply attach the clasps
What are you doing?!
To wrists What's he like?!
And ankles. A little comedian!
VAL LAUGHS
and when the moon begins
to wane
Ah! Oh!
Oh, I seem to have
misplaced the key!
Vernon! Isn't that funny?
How very deeply embarrassing
for you, Victor.
Yeah
THEY CHUCKLE
Have a backs lap. Ha!
Fool.
I'll be back in two minutes.
I wonder where
I could have put the key.
Of course, if you could
find it within yourself
to tell me where you're going,
I do think it would help me
remember.
OK.
POP!
You enjoy.
VAL CHUCKLES
CLOCK CHIMES
WHISPERS: Go! You go
go to the prom
as me.
OWL HOOTS
And the servants,
do they come with the house?
Well,
if you're looking for staff,
there are some we no longer require.
Jesters, butlers
I don't know if you recall
the shapeshifter
we used to have.
Oh, he was very good.
You'd almost swear
he was the real person.
You wonder why he lost his job.
What?
Oh, you didn't know.
Clifford had something
of a habit.
Sucking his thumb? If only.
No. The man's a hopeless drunk.
Great when he's sober,
but once he's had a drink,
he's all over the place.
Father often had to lock
the wine cellar.
I didn't know that I did.
IGON WAILS
Your Highness!
Someone's been at the wine, sir.
It's only a couple of bottles.
Mmm
GLASS CLINKS
SINGSONGY: Oh! No, no, no, no!
Do I not like that?
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
HE SIGHS
Oi!
HE HICCUPS
HE BELCHES
Ah, delicious.
Well, I think I should start
measuring up.
Do you have somewhere
that you can go?
I wondered if we should retire
to the drawing room.
I had something to put to you.
Could I please have a word
with you, Victor?
Yes, darling.
VALEETA CLEARS THROA
Come on.
I'd feel so much more comfortable
if you'd just talk to me.
You'll feel better.
OK.
But do you mind if I whisper?
Oh, please do.
WHISPERS: Thank you.
Thank you?
For what?
The key.
Ah-ah-ah!
Oops! How did that happen?
Boop!
VAL CHUCKLES
CLIFFORD, SLURRED: Remember I'm Val.
Remember I'm Val.
Remember I'm Val.
HE HICCUPS
Knock-knock!
Oh! Val!
What's the craic?
Please, just ask him nicely.
I cannot do it, my darling.
Have you heard him?
"My house is older than yours."
"I have more children
than you have."
He would love it if I went
to him on bended knee.
I will not plead for this castle.
It shows
WHISTLING: Wheakness.
Oh, sure - risk it on a duel
and lose everything.
Or I could win back our home.
The goblet is always half empty
with you.
Can you even use a sword?
Not that difficult.
It's all about judging the distance
and hand-eye coordination!
Oops. I'll get another one.
Here we go! Here she comes!
Aww! Doesn't she look lovely?
Mm!
VAL LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
Just a bit, John.
HE GRUNTS
A lot of women hit 40, and
things start heading south.
But not her.
No, she is in some fine fettle.
Fine fettle indeed.
Um,
I-I meant Gertie.
Uh, Gertie, you look gert, Gratie.
But promise me
that you will take after
your mother,
because she is in some fine fettle.
All right, love,
shall we go and fix your hair?
So, uh, how's school?
School?
School! Yeah.
Good. Good, good, good.
Reading, writing. All of that.
How's work?
Oh, very good, actually, yeah.
Just moved into new premises,
so, uh
What are you pulling in these days?
Oh, uh, well, pulling?
30K? Something like that?
Oof Well
around that.
Can I
give you some advice, John?
Yeah.
If you want to hang on
to a woman like that
you've got to put bread
on the table.
You with me?
So far, yeah.
Get a raise,
a side job - whatever.
But you treat that woman
how she deserves to be treated.
Hm?
Because she is in some
Fine fettle. I know.
Yes.
Right, shall we go? Yep.
Oh, John Mm?
I'm only going to ask this once.
Can I borrow your car?
No. Got it.
HE CLICKS TONGUE
Come on, then, girly-wirly.
Does your mum wear
those kinds of dresses?
Very strange.
VAL: Oh, please don't be drunk.
All right?
HE CHUCKLES
What are you doing?
TRICKLING
HE GRUNTS
ZIP!
Oh.
Listen,
how much
do you want to go to the prom?
How much?
There's a fella in town - Big Dave.
He's a part-time butcher,
but he also has access to a barn.
Don't ask how.
It's ladies' night.
Meaning I could get you in
free.
There's a singer,
comic
and then you watch men wrestle
and bet on, er,
who you think's going to win.
It is honestly the best night out.
Uh, so
Or we could go to the prom.
Either.
The prom.
Are you feeling all right?
You seem a bit
I'm great, Girdle. Gertie.
Girthy.
What about your mum?
Does she ever go to bar fights?
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Oh!
Val. Val? What are you?
Oh, hello. You're not with Gertie?
Has she left?
Er, she?
Have you forgotten something?
Yes. No.
No, I just popped back
to to say a proper goodbye.
Aw! And to assure you
that I will take very good care
of your daughter.
The one you're not with.
The one I'm not with, no,
in order to make the assurance
that I just made to you.
And I will now leave
to return to her.
OK. OK.
Is he all right? Oh
I think he's just a bit nervous.
Right.
POP MUSIC
I know you don't attend the school,
but it has been brought to
my attention that you attempted
to pour alcohol in the punch bowl.
Now, aside from you being
underage
What's the harm? The harm is,
we don't have a punch bowl.
That was a fish tank.
And now the fish are dead.
Right. Shouldn't have done it. OK?
How much for new fish?
I'll have to get the headmaster.
Which one's that?
Mr Henford?
It's him.
I'll go get him for you.
OK. The boy's just explained
what happened.
My God, Gavin! What?
You're not in your wheelchair!
Hang about.
CLATTERING
He explained what happened,
and I think we should just
pff, let him off.
Oh.
Carry on.
THUD
Oh!
There we go.
All sorted.
There you are!
What's going on?
Deborah here was just saying
what a fine and upstanding
young man
ELECTRICAL BUZZING
GASPING
Rollox.
PARTYGOERS MURMUR
I said sorry.
Wh-What more do you want?
I want you to go away!
I could be useful.
Let me try and make it up to you.
No. I've got to walk her home.
I could appear as a bad guy
and you could be the hero.
No, thank you.
Or or I could go to your father
and help him get the house back.
No.
I insist.
I said no!
Listen, about Victor
You know, behind all the bluster,
he does consider you
a great Ahem!
Can I say something?
You won this house.
But I love it here.
The place where I raised my family.
Where I fell in love with
my beautiful wife all over again.
Where I staged
a mass execution of traitors.
Happy
happy memories.
Please allow us to stay.
Well
As you asked so nicely
It's not the vampire way,
I know, but why?
Why can't a vampire be
vulnerable? I'm sure
Alexis doesn't need to hear
about that now.
Scared of mice? Sure. OK
Scared of the dark? Whew! You bet!
As a younger man,
the merest crack of thunder
would make me wet the bed copiously.
Well, children are often prone to
I was 50.
50 years old.
You look annoyed. Are you annoyed?
I wouldn't say annoyed.
More completely humiliated.
Yeah, well, you should be.
We've been kicked out
at half nine, thanks to you.
Get off! That's my mum's!
What are you doing?!
Seeing what you've got
so you can make it up to us.
Uh, what time does it start?
What time does what start?
My go on the catapult.
SPLAT!
HE GROANS
OTHERS MURMUR
You listen to me,
and you listen good.
No-one touches my friends.
So you tell your friends
there's a new guy in town,
and he's the boss daddy.
Gertie, I'll take it from here.
Go!
Boss daddy?!
Thanks, Val!
HE GASPS
That was amazing, Clifford!
Clifford?
Who the hell's Clifford?
Is it wrong for a vampire
to sob in the bath?
To whisper his deepest,
darkest secrets
to a knitted teddy bear
by the name of Timothy Tumnus?
Now, now, old boy.
"Timothy," I'd say,
"just hold me."
But, alas, he never will.
But it comforts me at night
to know he's there,
protecting me in my dreams.
OWL HOOTS
I put on this deep voice
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
but actually
HIGH-PITCHED: I sound like this.
I'm not afraid to be vulnerable.
Oh, for pity's sake!
Here, have the house!
Keep the deeds! Take it!
Whoo!
ALEXIS SQUEAKS
Are you feeling all right?
En garde!
Hold up.
Where's he gone?
CLIFFORD SHAPESHIFTS
Well, I assume he heard
you were planning to duel him,
and quit before you could
give him a good thrashing.
Ha! I told you
he'd quake in his boots
at the thought of facing me. Hm!
To think you doubted me.
Well done, everyone!
Truth be told,
there was a time there
I thought we might have to
cancel the initiation ceremony.
Without a home,
there'd be nowhere to host it.
But we're back on track now.
Oh! That's fantastic. Wow. Mm!
CLIFFORD: I've learnt a lesson.
Drinking might make you feel good,
but it'll never be the real you.
It's just a mask.
And when you stop relying on it,
that's when you can truly blossom.
Being of use to you,
it made me see
I like the me without the mask.
Aww, that's great.
Er
Ah
Can't help noticing
you're drinking right now.
It's Saturday night, isn't it?
Lighten up, mate.
We gather here to bear witness
as my son and heir,
Prince Valentine,
enters vampire hood,
by feasting upon the throat
of a human
IGON YELLS
Igon, what is going on, you fool?!
Forgive me, sir. I didn't know
the initiation ceremony was today.
This is clearly a rehearsal,
isn't it?
There's no-one here.
I'm sorry. It's just that
HUSHED: I noticed the deeds
to the castle are missing.
You haven't touched them, have you?
No, I don't know anything
about that.
Excuse me, sorry,
is this a new bit?
It's just that I wasn't told
there was a new bit.
It's an interruption. Right.
And was it OK when
I sort of swayed like that?
Because I thought, "I think
my character would sway."
You know you won't be needed
on the night.
You're just standing in.
OK, well,
that wasn't explained to me.
Uh, can I ask a question
about my character?
So, uh, I know he's a drummer,
but does he enjoy drumming?
And has he drummed for long?
Yes, he he likes drumming.
Also, the script says,
"Bat flaps wings,"
but it'd be accurate
to say "flutter".
So I'd like that changed.
Either's fine.
Because if he's expecting me
to flap,
ain't going to happen.
Right. Shall we go again?
No, no, no, I think
that's enough for today.
Uh, great work, everyone.
Great work, great work.
Great flapping. Well done, Basil.
BASIL SCOFFS
It's fluttering.
VALEETA: You're not a vampire, love.
VICTOR: My son is ready
for his initiation.
If you just manage
to keep this between us.
Just our little secret.
As a consequence
for his failure,
my family were usurped
and forced to live in penury
and shame.
VOICES ECHO
VOICES STOP ABRUPTLY
HE GASPS
Three weeks till my initiation.
Three weeks to work out how
I'm going to pass myself off
as a vampire.
The kind of high-pressure event
humans like Gertie
don't have to worry about.
HE SIGHS
Then again
I don't see what the big deal is.
Exactly. Never even asked for it.
I don't even care about the prom.
Do you want to go?
Yeah, I-I-I'd love to. Yeah.
What time does it start?
No, I meant, do you want a go
on the catapult?
HIGH-PITCHED: Yeah!
Yeah, I know what you meant!
So why ask what time it starts?
Like, I was talking about my go
on the on the catapult.
What time does my go
on the catapult start?
And the time it starts is now.
You thought I was asking you
to prom!
That's hilarious.
If you say so.
Well, I mean, it's hilarious
that you thought
It's not hilarious I'd consider.
You could, if you wanted to.
Could?
Could come to prom, with me.
Um, yeah. Yeah, all right.
It's not a big deal. No.
I mean, what's a prom, anyway?
That was going to be
my next question.
Big dance in a school hall. Wow!
Every school has one.
They definitely do, yeah.
What's yours like?
What's ours like? Um
What's ours like?!
HE CHUCKLES
It's, um
Ours is
HE SUCKS TEETH
It's just
sort of a normal dance, really.
Begins with a stately minuet
set to chamber music.
And then the drummers start,
and then, by the end,
everyone's chanting Latin
and writhing in ecstasy.
Ours is pretty much the same.
Other than the Latin.
Are you sure you want to go?
Yeah.
Saturday 8pm.
Saturday, 8pm.
Saturday, 8pm? What's Saturday, 8pm?
Oh! Oh, this?!
Just reminding myself
to to have a Saturday, 8pm.
Mm. Yeah.
Cos otherwise, you know,
I'll jump from seven to nine,
and then it just gets all messy.
You've had a letter from Alexis.
Says he's coming here this weekend.
He's coming here?
Huh! Good!
Ah!
I'm pleased about that.
Good, Val, yes, great.
Ha! Uh Then why are you sweating?
Yes, why is Valentine sweating?
Sweating! Sweating?!
I'm not. I'm not.
You are. You're sweating.
I'm a vampire. It's almost
impossible for me to sweat.
The last time I saw you
this sweaty was
when you ogled that vampiress
and lied about it.
HE WHEEZES
Ogled?!
I was simply admiring her brooch -
her two brooches.
There's something
you're not telling me.
There's something
you're not telling me.
There isn't, my darling!
And you can ask me that question
as many times as you like,
for as long as you like,
but my resolve shall not yield,
and my answer will not change.
What do you mean, "lost it"?
How can you lose a castle?
In a game of cards.
Have you lost your mind?
No, no, no. Just the castle.
When did this happen?
Years ago, I went to Vienna
to play some hands of gummy
with the chaps.
With my foolproof system,
I'd never been beaten.
Then Alexis shows up.
He was strangely confident.
And as the stakes grew,
I gambled more and more,
eventually laying down
the deeds for our home.
Until
Your foolproof system
wasn't foolproof.
Alexis was using the same system.
I was given a century
to gather our belongings,
and that would be now.
Does that mean
we have to find another house?
Yes. No. Of course not.
You just tell him you made a mistake
and ask for him to let you off.
HE SCOFFS
No, no!
There are plenty of castles
we can move into.
Bodmin Hall, say,
or Hesselby Castle,
which has wonderful ocean views.
It did.
It collapsed into the North Sea
ten years ago. Ah.
HE SNAPS FINGERS
And I thought Bodmin Hall
was overrun by moths.
But what are moths
but butterflies without the ego?
Victor,
you need to swallow your pride
and ask for him to let you off.
I can't and I won't.
Victor
There are some things
worth fighting for.
It's easy.
You just tell him you got it wrong.
I'm sure Alexis
won't make a big thing of it.
Hmm
Unfortunately,
she's wrong on both counts.
I don't think I've ever heard
my dad admit fault.
And he and Alexis
are bitter rivals,
each refusing to be the bigger man.
Apart from their annual
"Who's The Bigger Man?"
competition.
I was just thinking, Father,
with Alexis visiting,
perhaps it would make you
look more successful
to be surrounded by your family.
All of us together.
Maybe a formal dinner.
Mmm.
Yes. Good.
Saturday, 8pm?
Yeah.
That's great.
But this Saturday. 8pm.
Mm-hm! Yeah.
It's a date.
A Saturdate! Thank you, Valentine.
Igon! I just remembered,
didn't you have something on at 8pm?
No. Sure?
Because if you did,
I'm sure I could talk Father
out of this whole family thing.
All you'd have to do is
just tell me what you're doing.
No idea what you're talking about.
THEY CHUCKLE
HE THUMPS TABLE
Wish I could be in two places
at once.
Well, there'd have to be two of you.
Pity your father got rid
of that shift shaper.
The what? Forgive him.
He means shaft shipper.
Shaft shipper?
You mean ship shafter?
What's a ship shafter?
I'll try again.
Uh, shake shipfer.
Are you talking about
a shapeshifter?
BOTH: That's it!
I didn't know we had one. We don't.
He's been banished
to the retirement home.
Your father sends
unwanted staff there.
He was going to send Guy here,
but apparently
he's a load-bearing wall.
Yeah, a real vote of confidence.
It's more of a retirement home
for unwanted staff
than a prison.
It's not like a prison.
Don't know why people
keep saying "prison".
You're the only one
that keeps saying "prison".
It's just a place
for people whose time was up.
Your father stopped liking
the cut of their jib.
I mean, what was he supposed to do -
let them work here forever?
Let them work somewhere else?
Hmm.
Or put them in a nice home.
Keep them safely locked away
three floors below ground.
LOCKS CLUNK
There's really nothing sinister
about it.
Oh, you might want
to cover your nose.
It gets quite pungent.
Isn't that just you?
Yeah, it is me, but in there - more.
Ah, familiar faces.
Oh, look, there's Mumsy,
your old nanny. You remember her?
That'll be the pungent smell.
Yeah!
IGON CHUCKLES
Harpsichord player. Deaf butler.
LOUDER: Deaf butler.
Here he is. Oh, the cook.
She's terrible. She gave
your father food poisoning.
Oh! Oh, and here's the jester.
His jokes are quite racy.
What, a bit cheeky?
No. Like quite racist.
Racist. Yeah.
There's Don. He's a gamekeeper.
He was very big into pig husbandry.
Oh! Well,
no wonder he got rid of him.
Not that kind of husbandry.
Good, good.
Who on earth gave you
permission to be down here?!
I should have the two of you
flogged.
Father, I swear, I didn't
HE CHUCKLES
Only joking.
Ta-da!
It's only Clifford,
our resident shapeshifter.
That was amazing!
Around 100 years ago,
he was really big
on the after-dinner circuit.
But, um things went wrong.
I've still got it, though,
haven't I?
Uh, yeah, you sure do.
Theoretically, you could have
ordered the release
of everyone in here,
and no-one would have known
that it wasn't the King.
And break up the gang?
Ha! No way!
The laughs we have.
CLIFFORD CHUCKLES
So, what can I do for you?
So, here's the plan.
You find somewhere to hide.
I take my place
in the family dinner.
At 7.30, I leave the room.
But when I return,
it's actually you
pretending to be me
leaving the real me free
to sneak out of the castle,
and take Gertie to the prom.
How does that sound?
Absolutely foolproof.
What's happening here?
Father's trying to butter up
his friend.
He lost the house in a card game.
He needs to plead for it back.
Suffering Jesus.
I need this place to look perfect.
Just because Alexis is coming?
You don't know what he's like.
He's always trying
to get one over on me.
When I went to his house,
he had six musicians.
I want seven. He had
two butlers - I want three.
He had 12 concubines. I
I don't want a concubine,
thank you very much.
I have a beautiful wife whom I love.
I hope you're not still
competing with Alexis.
You're meant to be appealing
to his good nature.
I would - if he had one.
BANGING ON DOOR
Hello, Alexis.
Good evening, Victor.
HE INHALES DEEPLY
How many rooms does this house have?
37. Gosh!
Mine has 40.
And how old is this house?
900 years old.
Gosh!
Mine's 1,000.
Yeah. Actually, come to think of it,
this place is around 1,000
HE CLEARS THROA
years old, too. Oh!
Cos the date on the cornerstone
outside said 1150.
HE SMACKS LIPS
Yes. That was, uh
not the year
in which it was built,
but the time.
It said "AD".
Yes.
That's 11.50 "after dinner".
Are these your two sons?
Yes. Two strong vampire boy
Hey! Get out of the way, you serf!
Begone! These are my two sons.
Oh, gosh. I have three.
Ah, the Queen.
As usual, her odour -
feast for the nose.
HE INHALES DEEPLY
Delicious.
My nostrils are aquiver.
Does she come with the house?
Ha. I thought you had a wife.
No. Sadly, she died.
Well, mine is still very much alive.
HE CLEARS THROA
HIGH-PITCHED GONG
Dinner is served.
My Queen,
I'm sally
if I made you feel insecure.
This is your home,
and I shall get it back for you.
I'm sally if I upset you.
Thank you.
Are you saying sally or sorry?
I-I mean the second one.
But I'm saying the first,
as that particular word
gets stuck in my throat somewhat.
You're doing the right thing.
I know. I
I thought about what you said,
and I thought,
"She's right." Mm!
Some things are worth fighting for.
That's why, after dinner,
I shall take it upon myself
Ask for the house.
..to win back our house.
Sorry, "win"? In a duel!
With swords. Like you said,
"Fight for it!"
No, no, I meant fight, as in
Double or quits.
And when I win, we shall be quits.
And if you lose?
The trick is not to lose.
But if you do lose?
The trick is
But if you do?
The trick What if you lose?!
Then we lose everything.
Our castle, the crown,
all our money.
Alexis is a champion fencer.
Yes, but my fencing coach says
fencing is all in the mind.
And I've fenced in my mind
a dozen times,
and I've won every time.
I've got this, darling.
Victor, be nice.
And here's the dining room -
the room we use for dining.
I think it's from the Latin
What are the chains for?
One of our house guests
is a werewolf,
and he can get a little erratic
on a full moon.
So sometimes we manacle him
to the wall.
Ah!
Look, we simply attach the clasps
What are you doing?!
To wrists What's he like?!
And ankles. A little comedian!
VAL LAUGHS
and when the moon begins
to wane
Ah! Oh!
Oh, I seem to have
misplaced the key!
Vernon! Isn't that funny?
How very deeply embarrassing
for you, Victor.
Yeah
THEY CHUCKLE
Have a backs lap. Ha!
Fool.
I'll be back in two minutes.
I wonder where
I could have put the key.
Of course, if you could
find it within yourself
to tell me where you're going,
I do think it would help me
remember.
OK.
POP!
You enjoy.
VAL CHUCKLES
CLOCK CHIMES
WHISPERS: Go! You go
go to the prom
as me.
OWL HOOTS
And the servants,
do they come with the house?
Well,
if you're looking for staff,
there are some we no longer require.
Jesters, butlers
I don't know if you recall
the shapeshifter
we used to have.
Oh, he was very good.
You'd almost swear
he was the real person.
You wonder why he lost his job.
What?
Oh, you didn't know.
Clifford had something
of a habit.
Sucking his thumb? If only.
No. The man's a hopeless drunk.
Great when he's sober,
but once he's had a drink,
he's all over the place.
Father often had to lock
the wine cellar.
I didn't know that I did.
IGON WAILS
Your Highness!
Someone's been at the wine, sir.
It's only a couple of bottles.
Mmm
GLASS CLINKS
SINGSONGY: Oh! No, no, no, no!
Do I not like that?
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
HE SIGHS
Oi!
HE HICCUPS
HE BELCHES
Ah, delicious.
Well, I think I should start
measuring up.
Do you have somewhere
that you can go?
I wondered if we should retire
to the drawing room.
I had something to put to you.
Could I please have a word
with you, Victor?
Yes, darling.
VALEETA CLEARS THROA
Come on.
I'd feel so much more comfortable
if you'd just talk to me.
You'll feel better.
OK.
But do you mind if I whisper?
Oh, please do.
WHISPERS: Thank you.
Thank you?
For what?
The key.
Ah-ah-ah!
Oops! How did that happen?
Boop!
VAL CHUCKLES
CLIFFORD, SLURRED: Remember I'm Val.
Remember I'm Val.
Remember I'm Val.
HE HICCUPS
Knock-knock!
Oh! Val!
What's the craic?
Please, just ask him nicely.
I cannot do it, my darling.
Have you heard him?
"My house is older than yours."
"I have more children
than you have."
He would love it if I went
to him on bended knee.
I will not plead for this castle.
It shows
WHISTLING: Wheakness.
Oh, sure - risk it on a duel
and lose everything.
Or I could win back our home.
The goblet is always half empty
with you.
Can you even use a sword?
Not that difficult.
It's all about judging the distance
and hand-eye coordination!
Oops. I'll get another one.
Here we go! Here she comes!
Aww! Doesn't she look lovely?
Mm!
VAL LAUGHS AWKWARDLY
Just a bit, John.
HE GRUNTS
A lot of women hit 40, and
things start heading south.
But not her.
No, she is in some fine fettle.
Fine fettle indeed.
Um,
I-I meant Gertie.
Uh, Gertie, you look gert, Gratie.
But promise me
that you will take after
your mother,
because she is in some fine fettle.
All right, love,
shall we go and fix your hair?
So, uh, how's school?
School?
School! Yeah.
Good. Good, good, good.
Reading, writing. All of that.
How's work?
Oh, very good, actually, yeah.
Just moved into new premises,
so, uh
What are you pulling in these days?
Oh, uh, well, pulling?
30K? Something like that?
Oof Well
around that.
Can I
give you some advice, John?
Yeah.
If you want to hang on
to a woman like that
you've got to put bread
on the table.
You with me?
So far, yeah.
Get a raise,
a side job - whatever.
But you treat that woman
how she deserves to be treated.
Hm?
Because she is in some
Fine fettle. I know.
Yes.
Right, shall we go? Yep.
Oh, John Mm?
I'm only going to ask this once.
Can I borrow your car?
No. Got it.
HE CLICKS TONGUE
Come on, then, girly-wirly.
Does your mum wear
those kinds of dresses?
Very strange.
VAL: Oh, please don't be drunk.
All right?
HE CHUCKLES
What are you doing?
TRICKLING
HE GRUNTS
ZIP!
Oh.
Listen,
how much
do you want to go to the prom?
How much?
There's a fella in town - Big Dave.
He's a part-time butcher,
but he also has access to a barn.
Don't ask how.
It's ladies' night.
Meaning I could get you in
free.
There's a singer,
comic
and then you watch men wrestle
and bet on, er,
who you think's going to win.
It is honestly the best night out.
Uh, so
Or we could go to the prom.
Either.
The prom.
Are you feeling all right?
You seem a bit
I'm great, Girdle. Gertie.
Girthy.
What about your mum?
Does she ever go to bar fights?
INDISTINCT CHATTER
Oh!
Val. Val? What are you?
Oh, hello. You're not with Gertie?
Has she left?
Er, she?
Have you forgotten something?
Yes. No.
No, I just popped back
to to say a proper goodbye.
Aw! And to assure you
that I will take very good care
of your daughter.
The one you're not with.
The one I'm not with, no,
in order to make the assurance
that I just made to you.
And I will now leave
to return to her.
OK. OK.
Is he all right? Oh
I think he's just a bit nervous.
Right.
POP MUSIC
I know you don't attend the school,
but it has been brought to
my attention that you attempted
to pour alcohol in the punch bowl.
Now, aside from you being
underage
What's the harm? The harm is,
we don't have a punch bowl.
That was a fish tank.
And now the fish are dead.
Right. Shouldn't have done it. OK?
How much for new fish?
I'll have to get the headmaster.
Which one's that?
Mr Henford?
It's him.
I'll go get him for you.
OK. The boy's just explained
what happened.
My God, Gavin! What?
You're not in your wheelchair!
Hang about.
CLATTERING
He explained what happened,
and I think we should just
pff, let him off.
Oh.
Carry on.
THUD
Oh!
There we go.
All sorted.
There you are!
What's going on?
Deborah here was just saying
what a fine and upstanding
young man
ELECTRICAL BUZZING
GASPING
Rollox.
PARTYGOERS MURMUR
I said sorry.
Wh-What more do you want?
I want you to go away!
I could be useful.
Let me try and make it up to you.
No. I've got to walk her home.
I could appear as a bad guy
and you could be the hero.
No, thank you.
Or or I could go to your father
and help him get the house back.
No.
I insist.
I said no!
Listen, about Victor
You know, behind all the bluster,
he does consider you
a great Ahem!
Can I say something?
You won this house.
But I love it here.
The place where I raised my family.
Where I fell in love with
my beautiful wife all over again.
Where I staged
a mass execution of traitors.
Happy
happy memories.
Please allow us to stay.
Well
As you asked so nicely
It's not the vampire way,
I know, but why?
Why can't a vampire be
vulnerable? I'm sure
Alexis doesn't need to hear
about that now.
Scared of mice? Sure. OK
Scared of the dark? Whew! You bet!
As a younger man,
the merest crack of thunder
would make me wet the bed copiously.
Well, children are often prone to
I was 50.
50 years old.
You look annoyed. Are you annoyed?
I wouldn't say annoyed.
More completely humiliated.
Yeah, well, you should be.
We've been kicked out
at half nine, thanks to you.
Get off! That's my mum's!
What are you doing?!
Seeing what you've got
so you can make it up to us.
Uh, what time does it start?
What time does what start?
My go on the catapult.
SPLAT!
HE GROANS
OTHERS MURMUR
You listen to me,
and you listen good.
No-one touches my friends.
So you tell your friends
there's a new guy in town,
and he's the boss daddy.
Gertie, I'll take it from here.
Go!
Boss daddy?!
Thanks, Val!
HE GASPS
That was amazing, Clifford!
Clifford?
Who the hell's Clifford?
Is it wrong for a vampire
to sob in the bath?
To whisper his deepest,
darkest secrets
to a knitted teddy bear
by the name of Timothy Tumnus?
Now, now, old boy.
"Timothy," I'd say,
"just hold me."
But, alas, he never will.
But it comforts me at night
to know he's there,
protecting me in my dreams.
OWL HOOTS
I put on this deep voice
FRONT DOOR CLOSES
but actually
HIGH-PITCHED: I sound like this.
I'm not afraid to be vulnerable.
Oh, for pity's sake!
Here, have the house!
Keep the deeds! Take it!
Whoo!
ALEXIS SQUEAKS
Are you feeling all right?
En garde!
Hold up.
Where's he gone?
CLIFFORD SHAPESHIFTS
Well, I assume he heard
you were planning to duel him,
and quit before you could
give him a good thrashing.
Ha! I told you
he'd quake in his boots
at the thought of facing me. Hm!
To think you doubted me.
Well done, everyone!
Truth be told,
there was a time there
I thought we might have to
cancel the initiation ceremony.
Without a home,
there'd be nowhere to host it.
But we're back on track now.
Oh! That's fantastic. Wow. Mm!
CLIFFORD: I've learnt a lesson.
Drinking might make you feel good,
but it'll never be the real you.
It's just a mask.
And when you stop relying on it,
that's when you can truly blossom.
Being of use to you,
it made me see
I like the me without the mask.
Aww, that's great.
Er
Ah
Can't help noticing
you're drinking right now.
It's Saturday night, isn't it?
Lighten up, mate.