The Trades (2024) s01e03 Episode Script

1
Why do I always get
stuck with the apprentices?
Because you're a good tradesman.
Oh, come on, Golden Arm.
Stop feeding me the horse shit.
Everyone knows those
who can't do, teach.
You're the exception
of the rule,
a good tradesman who is
also a damn fine teacher.
Besides, Homer would
just fuck her up.
Fair enough. And yes,
I am an
exceptional tradesman.
For the record,
I do not want
to be saddled up
with another inbred
mouth-breather.
Besides, what's this
clown's name again?
Hey!
Hey, why'd you say "her"?
Because today's inbred newbie
mouth-breather is my sister.
What's upppp?
Oh yeah. Shit.
That's awkward.
What up, sis?
Get ready, rookie.
I'm gonna kill you.
Charles :
We're not turning
anything around.
We're turning it off.
Imperial Valley's
production is disappointing
and the return is the
worst it's ever been.
This site's been on
my shit list forever.
Charles, it's me.
You know my track record.
Let me do what I was
sent here to do.
Charles :
That town is a
union stronghold
and unions are a
pain in my ass!
Well, I see an operational
plant with a lot of morale.
Charles :
Morale doesn't trade
on the Nasdaq.
What's my timeline?
Charles :
You do two things.
One, you oversee
the closure and two,
you don't call
and question me
on how I run my
goddamn business!
What's the status
on Bennett?
Comatose. No changes.
If you wakes up,
you let me know.
Understood. Should I-
Go walk in traffic? Fuck me!
Not you.
Just I'll take
the handcuffs.
You guys hear about Hernando
the Portuguese plumber?
Dude fell asleep
in a portajohn
got hauled fifteen
clicks to their facility
and now they're
calling the outhouses
"Portuguese Rocketships".
Ah, I started that rumour.
I'm glad it did the
rounds though .
Homer:
Did they find the person
who's putting water
in everyone's boots?
Oh, I fuckin'
hate that guy.
Or girl.
Oh, sneaky fucker.
We gotta catch him before,
or her before winter.
Okay, how 'bout the Insulator
who tried to tie his dick
in a knot on a dare?
What?
- True.
It's not good guys,
we're fucked.
I mean, we're-we're effed.
I wanted to prank you guys.
Out with it, Dewey.
Dewey:
I fucked up.
She's back.
Steph:
What?!
Oh, fun sponge.
Come on!
- Hello, fellas.
Your Sensitivity
Trainer is in da house.
Shit!
Oh, nope.
No, no, no, no, no.
Ten bucks the new chick called
in Janet to clean us up.
It's destabilization 101.
Sabotage a population
social and cultural systems,
thereby destroying any attempt
to resist or retaliate.
Find your seat, please.
It's right in front of you.
Thank you.
For those of you
who don't know,
my official title is
Sensitivity Trainer.
My name is Janet.
Pronouns: she/her.
You guys know the drill;
I come in here tell you
what not to do and say.
No one listens
and I call it a day.
She's fucking saying shit.
Pay attention.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You talkin'?
How most of you behave on
the job site is unacceptable.
In the first twenty minutes
I've been here,
I observed
several infractions,
including the use of a
disturbing nickname
Hey, Big Nate!
What's up, buddy?
Big Nate!
- Big Nate!
Big Nate?
Nate-ive?
That's racist.
It's clever.
My name's Nathaniel.
And I'm fuckin' huge.
Homer:
That's what she/her said.
Well what about the
comments overheard
about the women
in accounting
and the size of
their posteriors?
What the fuck you
lookin' at me for?
What? What?
- Bottoms?
Like a gay dude?
No. No, their butts.
Guys, she's talkin'
about "Bum and Bummer".
That is not their names.
That's their names!
Alright, alright,
enough of this circle jerk.
You three, go do
the valve swap.
You two, back on
the MIG weld in A3.
Everybody good?
Not so fast.
Corporate wants a
full tool roll back.
Anything that grinds,
cuts or welds.
If it's not bolted down
bring it back to the
tool crib for inventory.
Fucking bullshit, Todd.
It's gonna slow
us the fuck down.
Fuuccckkk!
The f
Understood.
Pussy! Pussy!
Let's get to work.
Come on!
Pussy! Pussy!
Folded like a lawn chair
on that one, didn't ya?
Tradesman:
All the tools? Every one?
I'll give you another.
One last one of these
'cause I've had enough.
Every tool, Jimi.
Huh. It's a lot bigger
when you're close up.
That's what they all say.
Don't get all distracted,
these pressure gauges aren't
gonna inspect themselves.
That there's my
boy Poopstick.
He and I used to
wrestle in high school.
This guy leaning here doing
absolutely fuck all
is San Francisco
fuckin' Sneakers.
What?
He constantly
wears kneepads.
Look at 'em.
This guy over here
that's Snot.
Fuck you too, Snot!
Used to be a DJ in town
so we started calling
him DJ Dickface
and DJ Dicksnot.
And now it's just "Snot".
Too many words.
He doesn't mind?
Of course he does.
He fuckin' hates it.
These two clowns
right here
Ah-haha. Yes.
This one here is
"Meat"! Meat!
There's you goin'.
This one here is "Sticks".
What's up?
Kind of shit to bet on
the nickname department,
but gets the
fuckin' job done.
You know what I mean?
Anyways, Poopstick!
Snot!
Hey, this here
is Todd's sister.
Keep her fuckin'
classy, gentlemen.
What's up, guys?
I'm Audrey.
Maybe you can call me
Auds or OddJob or
Oh fuck no.
Todd's Sister, are
you wearing make-up?
No.
Good enough.
Get your shit.
We got work. Let's go!
Please, come in
As a trusted foreman,
I wanna go on the record to say
that inventory at this time,
it's a bad call.
And your mints are stale.
Duly noted.
I think we should
put our resources
in the guys on
the flare stack.
I mean, every day that thing's
not upright and online,
we're losing money.
I appreciate you
having my back like this.
Look, I'm here to be
your second in command,
your eyes and ears,
hand of justice.
I've been here
a ton of years
and that means I've
got their trust.
Okay, look Todd,
nothing is happening.
It's standard practise
for new management
to get the lay of the land.
Is it also standard practise
to bring in a Sensitivity
Trainer on your first week?
Are you insinuating I had
something to do with that?
I just think it's a
huge waste of time.
If you must know,
Janet is here
because someone on your
crew called in a violation.
Not one of my guys.
Dale Edgars?
Dewey.
Is this about his lunch?
I mean, the guys like to hide
it and fuck with his food and,
once we put a, a live
pigeon in his lunchbox.
Chelsea:
It's not that.
We should stop that.
He felt there was inappropriate
graffiti about his preferences.
In the bathroom?
It's just a bit of fun.
Todd, I know you expected to
get this job but you didn't.
Is that gonna be an issue?
Nope. Not on my end.
Fuckin' Dewey.
"Standard practise" my ass.
I keep this place
tight as a titty
and then she has
the nerve to-
Oh, this is fuuuu
fudged up.
How the fuck are we
supposed to work like this?
Jimi:
IR's are no joke.
I mean, everybody on
this crew swears,
even the fuckin'
retired priests.
It's fucking hard.
Todd:
And with Janet here,
this inventory's
gonna take a week,
and we're gonna look
like a bunch of idiots.
Steph:
This Chelsea chick will
look like an idiot.
Inventory was her idea,
not yours.
You're not the
Site Manager.
Stephy, you are a
goddamn beauty.
Janet, you wanna come
with me for a minute?
I want to show
you somethin'.
More than anything.
Todd:
You'll love this.
Something. Anything.
Anything. Come on.
You having a stroke
or something, Tase?
Naw, I'm just tryin' to
describe my last poo
as a movie title but
the bar's pretty high.
Todd:
I hear ya.
That's a solid list.
"There Will Be Blood!" Yes!
Todd:
That's nasty, man.
You okay if I bring in Janet?
Yeah. Back in your cave.
Todd:
Come on in.
Hey Janet, you a Trans Am?
No. And if I was,
it would be totally f-
Oh my God.
Yep.
Taser:
Mi casa, su casa.
Or however you say
shitter in Italian.
As a sensitivity trainer,
I thought it'd be best for you
to see the belly
of the beast.
Todd:
I think all this is worth
a few incident reports, no?
You're darn right.
This is defacing
company property.
Um, you are to forbid
your entire crew
from writing on these walls.
Todd:
Well, warm up your pen
'cause there's a lot more
where this came from.
Beautiful.
These little beauts are
what we call incident reports.
I didn't think
those were for real.
Bennett used to shred 'em.
Todd:
Well, he's not here anymore.
The new boss wants to
change who we are.
So, we're gonna get as many
of these fuckers as we can.
You probably don't
wanna see this.
I want you to unleash
all of your greatest hits,
and I'll be sure Janet
is there to enjoy them.
And this is not a
personal vehicle,
this is a company vehicle.
Phaser's on Slack, boys.
When you see a dog,
ya fuck it!
Fuck dogs!
- Yeah!
Do we have to?
And this is our
wonderful lunchroom.
Not much really
goes on here.
Dewey :
Hey Toddler, are you there?
Go for Todd.
Can you smell it?
Can you smell it?
Todd:
I can smell it.
Oh, come on, Janet.
You're giving a ghost an IR.
No one knows who's
pulling this shit.
Fuck sakes.
Todd VO:
Let's make sure by
the end of the day
that woman gets
writer's cramp.
Hey guys.
Tase.
Cramps, cramps,
cramps, cramps, cramps, cramps,
cramps, cramps, cramps!
Special delivery.
We haven't touched
a tool all day.
But these
these are gonna be a ton
of work for the boss.
Thank you, Dale.
That'll be all.
I must admit,
this has been, um,
quite a rush.
Halfway through the day
and already a new record.
So this is not the norm?
Ah, this is abnormal.
It's, um, almost like
the boys are co-operating.
Like they're doing
it on purpose.
Who authorized these?
Foreman Todd Stool.
My buddy Todd.
How many infractions 'til
we can let someone go?
Audrey:
So, what's the story
behind Backwoods?
Do you live off grid?
Are you like a
prepper or somethin'?
Hey man, I get it.
I used to live in
my van for a while.
Yeah, I actually
kinda liked it.
And then there was
this other time
where I had to resort
to food stamps.
So, what's your
origin story?
You wrestle a bear?
How can I score a
cool handle too?
Fine, don't tell me.
For what it's worth,
I get it.
Hey, my dad let me join
Cubs instead of Girl Guides.
So maybe you guys
can call me "Cubby"?
Or like, "Cubber"?
Or "Tommy Boy"?
Word of advice:
Don't rush your
nickname game.
It'll backfire on ya.
No make-up, huh?
Come on, let's keep moving.
You're slowing down.
Only halfway
through the day.
There's the flare stack.
That's the project your
brother's in charge of.
Once that baby's
up and runnin',
this place is gonna
be a fifth gear.
What does it do?
All these crazy
hazardous chemicals
are produced during
the separation process.
That stack burns off
the excess vapours
before it goes into
the atmosphere.
Sweet TED Talk.
I always saw the flame
and thought it was bad.
Oh no, bad if
we don't do it.
See that? Get the tools
away from the edge!
This high up anything
falls out even a bolt
will kill somebody.
Good.
Hold on. Wait. Why-why
did we bring the tools?
Backwoods:
Better to have them than not.
Let's go. Let's haul ass,
Food Stamps.
We got scaffolding
to take down.
Come on!
That stack of
paperwork was huge!
It should keep her
busy for days.
Nice job.
No. Look, we've been
full tits causing chaos.
No one's been helping Jimi.
No. I get why
these fuck-noodles
don't wanna do real work,
but you're better than this.
Come on.
You're fucking around
instead of figuring out why
corporate's taking inventory.
Come on.
You're right.
Jimi:
No shit I'm right.
I'm always fuckin' right.
Hey Tase.
- Jimi.
Oh fuck. Ah, come on!
- Todd, can you talk to Janet?
She says I'm fired.
- What the f-
He has exceeded the
infraction amount required
for proper termination.
So yes, he's fired.
Whoa. Is-is that even a thing?
It is now.
Shit, balls, fuck,
piss on your own dick.
How many does he have?
Oh shit.
Oh wow.
No, that's a lot.
Janet, can you not take
it to this extreme?
Sit down, let Taser
buy you lunch.
Not my call.
Talk to the Site Manager.
Sorry Big Nate,
you're canned.
Should I call security?
Taser:
Nice plan, dude.
Todd:
First, they give the site
manager job to Chelsea?
Are you kidding me?
That job should have
went to one of us.
Oh, by "us" you mean "you".
Splittin' hairs.
Next, they forbid us from
entertaining ourselves
while we poop?
And now, they're using
Janet to fire our sorry asses.
We're sitting ducks.
But the way I see it,
we've got one move.
Reading your mail, boss-man,
We gotta take out Janet.
What? No!
I got a guy who'll
do it for 2K.
Mine'll do it for a loose meat
sandwich and a six pack.
You guys remember the
Newfie with one eye?
I feel like that
guy do it for free.
Oh yeah.
- Nobody's taking anybody out!
And Janet's not even
the problem here.
And Dewey?
She's here because
of you, dumbass.
There is no way
you've "got a guy."
You talk too much shit to
gain that level of trust.
It's true.
So let's keep our focus on
the corporate overlords,
specifically Chelsea.
Weaponizing Janet
was our idea!
Like how dare she!
We're gonna weaponize
her right back.
Those dots on your back
there is a way to
get rid of them.
Wait, you're not
talking about-
We're going where no
crew has gone before,
to partake in a little
something called
Scavenger hunt?
Yeah. Fucking
scavenger hunt, genius.
Yeah. Yeah.
- No, Dewey. Come on.
Homer:
Okay, look, that's
not a real whiteboard.
And this is the stupidest
fucking thing I've ever heard!
And he stormed Area 51.
Successfully infiltrated.
Sensitivity training
will take weeks.
So I say let them
sanitize us!
From this point on,
no more fucktards,
baglickers, ratfucks,
or cock-puppets will
come out of our mouths!
And we will willingly
undergo Janet's program.
Taser:
Good afternoon,
Madame Sensitivity Trainer.
What a lovely day!
Has your buddy been
hitting the gummies?
No, he has not.
We would like to participate
in your "Sensitivity
Training" process.
Wait, you're-you're
not joking?
Taser:
We are not.
My name is Taser,
pronouns he/him.
Janet, please educate us
so we may rid ourselves of these
gosh darn red dots of shame.
Homer:
And step into
the 21st century,
and recognize the
power of our words.
I, um, I thought this
day would never come.
Who wants to go first?
Oh.
And this marvellous dump,
is the lunchroom where
the magic does not happen.
What up, Petey?
New batch?
Hm.
Tastes like shit.
- Jesus Christ.
Oh look, another chick
in her natural habitat.
What up, blood?
What the fuck is that?
Oh sorry,
sometimes it sticks.
What're ya doing?
Oh, there it is.
- Audrey: Nice.
Oh yeah. No, we've met.
Steph's awesome.
She is.
Did you know that we
call her "Solid Nine"?
Which narrowly edged out
"Yoga Pants" and "Slingshot".
Slingshot?
Oh God. Good thing
Janet isn't here.
Okay, so why "Solid Nine"?
I'm known as "Work Hot".
In the refinery,
I'm a nine.
Real world seven?
Give or take.
It's those low-cut
shirts and tatts
that pad those stats, baby.
Hit it. I got it.
Are you guys allowed
to talk like that?
Me and the girls
rate 'em right back.
Like Backwoods is
a eight in here,
I would say out
there is a 5.5.
One.
What?
This mullet is a 10!
God, truth hurts.
Anyways, that's "Food Stamps".
No fuckin' way that sticks.
Unlike your mascara,
which is like
Um, shit.
Steph:
You still live with
Tater-Todd, right?
He give you an allowance?
Okay, it's not like that.
I'm not like a mooch.
What's little Moochie
blabbing on about now?
No idea.
Okay. Yeah. Ha ha ha.
Laugh it up fuckers.
Your moustache sucks.
What?!
And what are you
fuckin' looking at?
Backwoods:
Snap!
Classic Moochie.
Classic fuckin' Moochie.
Janet:
Alrighty then.
Now that we've completed
questions one through 235,
will you accept that
scatologically-themed films
are neither amusing
nor appropriate?
I would if I knew
what scatological meant.
The bathroom wall.
"Describe your poop
in a movie title"?
Yes. Completely inappropriate.
Janet:
And any further offences
will be reported to me
by your foreman Todd Stool.
You said "stool".
Shut the frick up.
This isn't funny.
We're going to
be here all day.
I'm just messin' with ya.
From this point forward,
I'm gonna focus so we
can all get outta here.
It's not you I'm
worried about.
A word?
I thought I fired that guy.
You shouldn't assume
anyone's gender.
Also, employees have the
right to fight dismissal,
provided they go
through training.
Productivity has
ground to a stop.
How much longer
will this take?
Ah, based on my calculations
it shouldn't take any
longer than seven weeks.
Son-of-a-bitch is
doing this on purpose.
Janet:
I've never felt
more important!
I have a role!
I feel valued!
Chelsea:
Turned you into a
weapon against me.
Well, two can play that game.
I'd like to talk
about feelings.
Oh, am I allowed
to have those?
Like this.
That sounds like Taser.
Well played.
Were we playing a game?
Do you know how hard
this fucking job is?
What me and my
crew go through?
Like humour's
how we survive,
and insults it's
how we communicate.
I hear you, but I
answer to corporate.
It doesn't matter
if you like it,
it doesn't matter
if I like it.
I'll close an eye
on the graffiti,
if you corral your guys
and get back to inventory
like I asked.
I'm not your enemy,
Todd Stool.
You could've fooled me.
Chelsea:
Let's start fresh.
Todd:
Weapons hot, boys.
The bathroom gallery
is open for business.
We have a blank
slate for bone art
and shitty life advice.
Alright.
Wait, even the "Name Your
Last Poo As A Movie" wall?
Especially that.
I got word from up top
there'll be no
further interference.
Good, 'cause I'm
gonna add "True Grit".
Homer:
Woo. Good.
"Anaconda".
That's a big log.
I was gonna put, ah,
"Sleepless In Seattle".
No, like your first poo is the
standing Empire State Building
and you got the two
people on top holding hands.
Okay, well I think we can
do better than that one.
Tom Hanks.
Michael Clark Duncan.
A depression-era prison.
Depression, depression
Chelsea:
A movie based on a
Stephen King novel.
You'll get there.
"The Green Mile".
Awesome. Yes!
Well done!
Dewey:
The boss-lady.
She's taken some shits.
She knows what's up.
Backwoods:
That a girl.
Hmm. Woo!
Oh .
You know, when I
was four years old,
my dad took me on
a camping trip.
I got lost in the
bush for three days.
The press thought
I was dead,
but I was just fine.
Hence, Backwoods.
Jesus!
Backwoods:
Mm-hmm.
The point is
- Fuck!
pain is comedy
around these parts.
You did just fine today,
Moochie.
Moochie? Seriously?
I told you that
in confidence,
and now you're
using it against me.
There, you're a
real piece of work.
Mm-hmm.
How'd my sister do?
Ah. Good enough to earn
herself a nickname.
That was fast.
What is it?
We're going with, ah
We're going with "Todd's Sister"
for the time being.
Todd:
That's original.
Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.
See you tomorrow, Backwoods.
See you tomorrow,
Todd's Sister.
Later, Todd's Sister.
Guess we're back
on inventory.
Oh fuck!
You ever think of why?
I try not to think
in these parts.
You are a wise man.
Of course
if I was taking inventory,
I'd be thinking about
sealing this bitch up.
Think she's closing us down?
Like you said
wise not to think
around these parts.
Anyone in here?
Pisstine Crappel.
Whoa!
It's actually pretty good.
What the f-
What the?
Cock suckers!