Vladimir (2026) s01e03 Episode Script

Fucking skank!
Sid, it's me!
It's me!
Mommy? I thought you were
one of Dad's students.
You smell like a brewery.
I called you, like, a million times.
Where were you?
I was here all night.
There is something very unseemly
about a woman neglecting her only daughter
so she can slobber over a married man
who is, in all probability,
just being nice.
I think I fucked a man
in the train bathroom.
You think?
No, I did.
- What? Willingly?
- Basically.
Basically? Sweetie, what is going on?
It's fine. I wanted to.
Were you safe?
Alexis kicked me out.
I'm such a fuck-up.
Weren't you staying the night?
I, uh, wasn't feeling up to it.
Sid's upstairs.
- She came home?
- She's a mess, John.
She thought I was one of your girlfriends.
- No, she was blind drunk.
- How?
She and Alexis have split up.
She's having a really hard time
with all of this.
I… I… I'll talk to her.
Um…
I bumped into Lynn and Steve
at the Ramsdale.
What? Steve, the president of the college?
Mm-hmm.
So the president and his wife
saw you with your date
at the most conspicuous bar in town?
It's a hotel bar.
I mean, only tourists go there.
It's on Main Street.
She wanted a cosmo.
I bent over backwards for you,
and you blow it because some 23-year-old
wanted to live out
her Sex and the City fantasy?
She's 28.
She's an elementary school teacher.
She's kind of a Charlotte, actually.
Oh, don't. Don't joke with me.
I wanted to stay in with you.
You told me to go.
Now I'm the one
who's gonna suffer the most for it.
May I be alone?
Please.
- Hi.
- Oh God!
Oh my God. Sorry. Sorry.
I wanted to ask. I'm applying to this, um…
The creative writing program at Brown.
Right! And--
And you need a letter of recommendation,
and yes, of course.
Oh, thank you. Thank you!
I… I know you have so much
going on right now.
Oh. Oh, no. I'm… I'm happy to do it.
Which… which sample are you submitting?
Either "Desk Salad"
or the one about the evil babysitters.
Well, you know how much I love
those evil babysitters, so…
- No…
- Hi.
- Oh, hey, see you soon.
- Okay.
How do you like her class?
- Professor Tong's class?
- Not a professor.
It's like the highlight of my week.
Like, she's so down to earth
but also so brilliant.
- Yeah.
- You know?
I mean, no one can compare to you.
Oh no, I'm ecstatic to hear that.
Where does it meet?
But this time, no adverbs.
"Just try it," she said.
Encouragingly.
I believe the best way
to stop coveting your neighbor's husband
is to make your neighbor your friend.
I'm hearing good things.
Oh, all lies, I am sure.
Oh, no.
The man loves to check in on me.
Um…
I wanted to see if we could grab a coffee.
Fuck, I wish I could,
but I have to go meet a student. Uh…
Yeah, these weekdays are such a blur.
Oh, maybe this weekend?
I feel like an idiot, but weekends
are actually the worst right now.
Vlad needs weekends to write,
so it's… a total
childcare blackout for me.
Not in a fun way.
Well, if Vlad needs to write,
would you and Phee wanna come over
and swim in our pool this weekend?
- Oh, wow, yeah, Phee loves--
- Oh, I'm coming to see you.
Phee loves the water--
Well, maybe Sunday. I'll grill.
I could make you a… mocktail?
You're so kind to offer.
It's just we have so much to fucking do.
We haven't even fully unpacked,
so I can't find the towels.
Much less our swimsuits.
Well, why don't you think about it, and…
God, I am so sorry,
but would you excuse me?
Light and sweet.
- Thank you.
- Just how you like it.
I guess you know
the hearing is no longer being delayed.
Jesus Christ.
Lynn was upset.
John can't be seen
with anyone who's not his wife?
I mean, think about it, David.
It's a little 1984y.
- Not really.
- David's an Orwell scholar.
Lynn found it icky.
Icky?
The hearing is gonna happen this semester.
- Thank you for your help.
- My help.
In response to your blackmail
over our old emails?
Blackmail is a big word.
You did?
They were
pretty fun.
I am fun.
But I got rid of them, and I would
appreciate it if you did the same.
I don't know, mister.
I think it's a good idea
to have something to hold over you
so you don't misbehave.
I scrubbed my inbox of his emails
ten years ago.
John, can you call me?
The hearing is up… is…
Oh! Huh.
Discovered
our greatest departmental amenity?
I am not above the pods.
Oh.
So what's on the, uh, syllabus this week?
Rebecca.
You familiar?
"Last night I dreamt
I went to Manderley again."
Nice.
I love a Gothic romance.
You know, the fixation, the pining.
My wife always says that…
…I have a thing for crazy girls.
Well, speaking of Cynthia,
could you do me a favor?
I invited her and Phee over
to swim on Sunday…
- Oh.
- No, I think she's worried about imposing.
That's very nice. Uh…
Yeah, she, um…
she finds socializing tricky these days.
You know,
she's gotta keep it pretty tight.
Mm, mm. Mm. Well, here's the thing.
It'll be the last warm weekend
of the year, and the water's perfect,
and… and… and we'll feed them,
and I… I think
it'll be more nourishing than she expects.
- Yeah, we'll be there.
- No, no, no, sorry.
I just… I… I… I… I just invited her.
Oh.
- Devastating.
- Oh, oh, no, no, sorry.
It's just she said
you needed time to write.
Please, I know when I'm not wanted.
Besides, you cannot get distracted.
The world is waiting for your next novel.
Yeah, I… I don't know about that.
- Well, I am.
- Thank you.
Uh… yeah, I'll talk to her.
Wonderful. Thank you. Um…
Excuse me. Uh…
Oh God. It's my daughter's partner.
I… I… I should take this.
She's a bisexual woman.
Great.
I'm very proud.
Hmm.
Alexis, hi.
Dad, you shouldn't be going in blind.
How am I supposed to prepare?
I don't have access to evidence.
- You don't?
- I sent you the report.
- You should.
- Yes, the report.
But not the evidence they're using.
Sid, you have to understand,
this whole thing is a kangaroo court.
- Can you use the salad spinner?
- It ruins the structure.
It's a lot of paper towels.
Does this look right?
- The report is quite extensive.
- Will you forward it to me?
You don't need to be involved.
You have enough going on.
I'm literally a lawyer.
May I ask why you're not at work?
Uh, no, 'cause I don't want
to talk about that.
- Secrets. Yay, I love them. Literally.
- Stop.
Listen, we're having people over
this weekend.
- Who?
- Cynthia and her daughter. To swim.
- Who is she?
- She's a new professor.
- No, she's not a professor.
- I'll be sure to tell her that.
- How old is the daughter?
- Three. So cute. You'll love her.
Oh no. I'm not gonna be around.
- You're going back to the city?
- No, I'm staying here indefinitely.
I don't wanna be around
for a playdate with a three-year-old.
You used to love being around kids.
Somehow, my wonder dissipated
after seeing a buttload of them
at Alexis's friends' parties
every single weekend of the year.
Sweetie.
Sorry. Excuse me.
Do you know what's going on with her?
Yes.
I do.
Oh, who cares?
Me likey.
They make the legs so high cut these days.
You know, it's been reported
that Eva Longoria
finally embraced the Brazilian wax
because it gave her the ultimate orgasm.
What are you trying to say?
Just an offering.
What's the story with Sid?
- She can tell you.
- Why can't you?
Because it's her business.
She'll tell you when she's ready.
Maybe I like your little pubes.
I don't want Sid involved in the hearing.
Do you understand?
I understand, and I agree.
- Can you run the filter on the pool?
- Ugh.
I feel like we have other things
to deal with rather than entertaining.
Cynthia is so interesting.
I wanna make a new friend.
Since when?
You haven't made a friend since 1997.
Well, now I want to.
Why?
It's like a mousy-ass woman
married to a toxic man.
- I can't relate at all.
- Hell yeah.
I know this book is misogynist
because every book written in 1938
was misogynist,
even when written by a woman,
but can't we connect
to the universality of the story?
Rebecca is about
an all-consuming obsession.
It's a… a young woman fixating
on her husband's dead wife, who's named…
- Rebecca.
- It's very relatable.
- How?
- Well…
What, you've never googled
your lover's ex? Hmm?
You never spent time on their Instagram
or whatever social media you use?
You've never compared yourself
to her style, her body?
You've never fantasized about
knowing about their relationship,
how they talk together,
their private jokes, how they,
dare I say it, made love?
Well, that's what this story is about.
It's about the inescapable pull
of your lover's lover.
I don't have a lover.
Well, Lauren,
we're gonna have to change that.
- Hi!
- Hi.
Hi, Aaron.
You know, if Dad loses at the college,
there could be a civil suit,
and that could affect you.
Oh my God.
There are 36 pages of forms for me
to fill out for this dumb appointment.
I mean, why do they need to know
if I have a history of mental illness?
- What are you getting done?
- I'm just getting waxed.
I thought you couldn't get waxed.
Well, they say it's a new kind,
so let's hope for the best.
Oh, sweet pea.
Just a breakup.
I really fucked up.
I cheated.
- On Alexis.
- With the train man?
No. Oh my… Ask Dad what happened.
- You tell me.
- No, 'cause I don't want you judging me.
I promise, I won't judge you.
No.
No, I… I cheated on Alexis
with an intern from work,
and then she got hired, and it got messy,
so I left before anything could happen.
And I hated that job anyway,
and I can find a new one in two seconds,
so I don't wanna talk about it
any further, okay?
You quit your job?
See? You're judging me.
- No, I'm not. I'm not.
- That's such a lie.
No, okay. Let's go. Let's go.
You didn't know any of the people.
Dad's students. Right?
His fancy ladies? Uh, not personally.
By sight, at the most.
- Okay, are you sure?
- Absolutely.
You didn't have any of them
in your classes?
Never.
Yes.
I had one of them in my classes.
You stopped biting your nails.
I wanted to apologize for avoiding you.
I shouldn't have got so angry.
Mm.
You kicked my car and called me a bitch.
Sorry.
I was feeling desperate.
It's okay.
What did you wanna say?
Oh, um…
Well, yeah. I'm back, obviously.
Huh… uh…
Now that everything has come out
about John,
I was just hoping
you and I could, like, repair
…our relationship.
Fascinating.
Didn't you join the… the case?
Yeah.
But that's what I wanted to tell you.
That that has nothing to do with you.
Lila, that is exactly
what I have been saying all along.
Are you still writing?
Not really.
You should.
I'm sorry things have been so hard.
It never feels good to be 29
and moving back in with your mom.
Mm. I bet.
It's like, how many times can I take her
to get the edema fluid drained
before she realizes
it's her responsibility?
Yeah.
She thinks she's doing me some big favor
by asking Trevor to move…
I do care.
Lila, I hate to do this,
but I have to run.
I… I… I wish we could talk all day.
I… I'm so glad we connected,
and I am so glad we're on the same page.
Yeah.
I wanted to say I'm sorry
about what happened with John.
Thank you for saying that.
I…
I appreciate you taking
some responsibility for your actions.
- I have to go.
- Oh.
Beautiful!
Oh, stunning.
You reach an age when,
if you come across a good towel,
you don't let it slip away.
Do you sell these?
There is great power
in a hand-delivered gift.
Hi! I just wanted to drop off
a little housewarming present.
- Hi.
- You don't have to talk to me.
I can just hand it over
and get on out of here.
Uh, I…
Oh, um, this… this honey is from my bees.
Uh, did you know
that honey is as effective
as cough syrup for young children?
- It's for Phee.
- Oh!
Oh my God.
That is so nice of you.
These are… these are gorgeous.
Sorry. Um…
Did Vlad give you our address?
I got it from the contact sheet.
This is… this is temporary.
It's, um… it's kind of a shithole.
Oh, no, no. It's not.
Well, just don't come inside.
Uh, Phee is fine. I just…
I got… paranoid
'cause people are weird about colds,
and I was like,
"What if they're offended?"
I'm very difficult to offend.
Me too. No, um…
God, I'm… I'm aware I'm being an asshole.
No, no! Anyone who'd been
through half of what you did
would be twice the asshole.
What do you mean?
I just…
Moving, a… a young child.
I…
Um…
I'll, uh… I'll, uh…
I'll leave you alone. Um…
This may sound crazy,
but I think we'd get along.
I… I do too.
Thank you so much for these. Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
I wonder what domestic politics
went into that text message.
So what's this about?
It's about growing up in Florida
with Russian immigrant parents.
So he's a navel-gazer.
No, it's excellent.
I'm out.
- Where are you going?
- I'm going to see my friend at Cornell.
- Think I'm gonna stay the night.
- Oh. What kind of friend?
She's an expert in Title IX.
Sid, I'm serious.
I don't want you involved.
- I'm gonna take the Volvo.
- Be careful.
Why'd you buy lettuce?
I have a bumper crop.
Because I need it as a wrap.
- I thought we were grilling.
- The steak is grilled.
What are these for?
A mocktail.
A mocktail?
What's happening here?
It's my stupid wax.
I'm inflamed.
It's fine. It's what I deserve.
Why do you have this?
It got mixed up in my mail.
Looks like a paycheck.
Yes, I will give it to her
when she arrives.
- Did you get rid of the deer netting?
- We're not hosting a wedding.
It's suburban.
Whoa.
Hey-ho!
- Hi!
- Hi.
It's you!
We don't go near the water
unless Daddy's there, right?
- And stay away from the bees.
- What bees?
- What, you don't keep bees?
- No.
Oh.
Is Cynthia not coming?
She has a… migraine.
So you'll have to make do with me.
Phee! I told you no running by the pool!
Well, I tried.
I-I-I-I-I, I need, I need you
I-I-I-I-I, I need, I need you
I-I-I-I-I, I need, I need
I need, I need
I need, I need you
I need you
- Come on, come on
- I need you
I never said
I wasn't gonna tell nobody
No, baby…
You're very sexy, Vladimir.
God, I know.
How do you come by this physique?
Oh! That's invasive.
It's a nice question.
It's a lovely question.
I don't know. Uh… grappling wild beasts?
As you do.
- Like wrestling bears?
- Exactly.
No, I go to the gym.
It's like the only thing that… I do.
I need the outlet.
Oh, it's a healthy outlet.
It sure is.
I'm a simple fellow.
I lift, write, work, eat.
- Fuck.
- He wasn't saying that.
- John!
- It's the natural progression.
No, but, you know,
who were all those writers
who had all that time for hobbies?
Like Hemingway and his bullfights.
Oh, Hemingway didn't do bedtime.
That is true.
He did miss out on that.
Aw.
I like your smile.
He's just being nice.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
And cheers.
Cheers.
I have a confession.
You do?
Yeah.
I haven't started reading your book yet.
Oh!
No problem.
Hey.
My wife seems to have come across
a piece of Cynthia's mail.
Oh, I meant to give it to you.
I think it landed in my box by mistake.
It's probably the only way she'll get it.
Never known that woman to check a mailbox.
Sweetie.
- I worry about her.
- You do?
You know, Cynthia was, uh…
she was hospitalized
after the suicide attempt.
Oh.
Yeah, for six months,
Phee didn't have a mother.
Just a nanny and me.
Oh.
But you're together now.
Yeah.
And… and she's doing all right.
Yeah, much better, thank God.
Yeah.
Cynthia doesn't have a migraine.
Oh.
- Yeah, we had a fight.
- About me?
Uh… no.
No, I… I, uh… I did something bad.
I'm being a jerk.
- Just forget I said anything.
- No, tell me.
No, no, no.
What's that thing that people say?
Um…
Marriage is hard.
Divorce is hard.
Choose your hard.
Choose your hard.
- Can I give her to you?
- Of course.
Oh, sweetie.
Okay.
Oh, sorry. Here. There we are.
There you go.
Okay.
There we are. I'll see you out.
Good night.
You in love?