8 Simple Rules (2002) s01e04 Episode Script

[alarm beeping]
- Bridget?
- Yes. Wake up, Daddy.
You can't snooze your life away.
Up and at 'em.
- [groaning] I don't wanna.
- You promised to take me driving.
[groans]
I didn't say as soon as it becomes
today, I said some time today.
- This is some time.
- So is later. Hon, it's Saturday.
Go downstairs and watch some cartoons.
Come on, you said I need more practice
before I can get my driver's license.
- You're already awake.
- Oh, that is so convenient.
- OK, we'll go.
- OK, I'll see you downstairs.
- [Bridget] Five minutes!
- Make it ten.
- [Bridget] Don't make me come up there.
- All right, all right. Jeez!
It wasn't my fault.
I took that turn wide
only because you kept yelling at me.
I was speaking loudly,
yet calmly, to draw your attention
to the parked car you nearly hit.
I wasn't even close,
I missed it by, like, a foot.
Yes, she missed it by, like, a foot.
It didn't go well, huh?
I'm not sure, I spent most of the time
looking at my forearms.
- That girl is not ready to drive a car.
- She's ready for her license.
- When I take her out, she's fine.
- Well, sure, she's relaxed.
If she crashes with you in the car,
at least there's a nurse on the scene.
It helps when someone isn't
stomping on the imaginary brake
- every time a candy wrapper blows by.
- I thought it was a small dog, OK?
Can't see why you're against
letting her get behind the wheel.
- Thank you, Kerry.
- Although, she has had
- a lot more practice in the backseat.
- Oh, my God!
A good driver would know
how to control herself.
You are so funny.
- Ready to go, Mom?
- Oh, right. Shoes.
Again.
Rory, you're just growing up
so fast. Stop it.
- If I had my license, I could take him.
- She's right, Paul.
She's ready to drive and
she could be a big help with errands.
- She'd remember to pick things up.
- I just need a reminder.
Uh-huh. Yeah, I can see how, "Paul, we
need milk," could seem a little vague.
Shouldn't you be off getting shoes?
- I thought it was vague, too, Dad.
- You see? Vague!
Dad, can I get cool shoes
like Curtis has?
Of course you can, my boy.
No. Do you know how much they cost?
It's either shoes or college.
I'm not college material.
- Bye.
- Oh, and don't forget, we need milk.
- Uh-huh. OK, milk.
- See, Mom thinks I'm ready to drive.
Mom also thought
I was ready for fatherhood.
Dad, I'm serious.
I turned 16 four months ago.
I passed Driver's Ed,
I put in my hours, I know how to drive.
That's fine for the
State of Michigan, not for me.
- Any idiot can drive a car.
- Then let her get her license.
She is so funny.
Bridget, it's not enough
that you know how to drive a car.
Before I let you get a license,
I need to be sure
you know how to take care of a car.
That means changing the oil,
inspecting the belts and the hoses.
Uh, fixing flats.
If I learn how to do all that,
then can I get it?
- We'll talk.
- [groans] I'm never gonna drive!
Not with that negative attitude.
Kerr Kerry,
you left some papers behind.
You can just toss them in the trash.
Can I, because that's
the kind of thing I live for.
- So an art competition?
- [Kerry] Excuse me.
Don't read that.
That's my personal trash.
Well, it's my house, my trash.
So this art competition
It's so not a big deal,
some statewide thing.
- I'm not entering.
- Kerry, you're a great artist.
You've always been a great artist.
I still have that bunny you drew me.
I was five, and it was a giraffe.
Well, still, you showed a
remarkable command of light and color.
I don't need to enter a contest.
I don't care what people think,
I do it for myself.
Well, it would be nice
to let people see it.
Come on, Care Bear,
put yourself out there. Don't hide.
- You got something you can enter?
- There was something I was working on.
Great! All right.
You know, sometimes in life,
the biggest risk is not taking one.
Did you read that on a bumper sticker?
Actually, yeah, it was on
the parked car Bridget nearly hit.
- Hey, Cate.
- Hey.
- Where have you two been?
- Dad took me to get art supplies.
I got Kerry to enter an art competition
by turning on the Hennessy charm.
- And you fell for that?
- I threw him a bone.
OK. I'm gonna go create, so don't even
ask when I'll be coming out of my room.
So how did your
shoe shopping go with Rory?
- Eighty-five dollars.
- Eighty-five
For a pair of sneakers?
- I gotta see these.
- Go look out the window.
He's riding his bike over them
so they don't look new.
Oh. That's nice.
Did you get the milk?
It's not so easy, is it?
Ha ha!
Bridget, how's it going?
Oh, great, this car maintenance
stuff is so cinchy.
Whose legs are those? Please tell me
you didn't run over somebody.
- What up, Papa H?
- Kyle.
- What are you doing here?
- Showing our girl around an engine.
She's not "our girl."
My girl, my garage, my engine.
I don't want you
showing her around anything.
Dude, maybe you should
change your oil more often.
It was like mud in there.
Really, Daddy, it should be done
every 3,000 miles.
Dude. So, you changed the oil?
- Wait, before you get mad
- No, it's too late.
- Bridget said it'd be OK.
- She was wrong.
Is that my favorite Michigan sweatshirt?
Yeah, and it's real comfy.
Get out.
I wanted to give Bridget a kiss goodbye.
I know.
What is your damage? God, you told me
you want me to learn to change the oil.
Yes, you. Not Kyle.
I was, but he came over and
he's all, "You're doing it wrong."
I'm like, "Shut up,"
and he's all, "Let me show you."
I'm all, "Fine, you do it."
I held the flashlight.
I don't believe you. You really think
you can get through life on looks alone?
Well, you can't.
Please let me get my license today.
Please! I promised Amber I'd drive her
by Griffin's to see if
Tiffany's car is in the driveway.
We already know it is.
God, Tiffany is such dirty business.
As dirty as Tiffany's business may be,
you didn't hold your end of the bargain.
But, I need to drive to get
places today.
You're gonna have to think
of other ways to get places.
I need more boyfriends.
- Not until it's finished.
- Get over yourself, I'm just bored.
[sighs] You know,
Dad is such a jerk.
He backs out of our deal
'cause I let a cute guy work on the car.
- Meanwhile, his mechanic works on it.
- And he's cute! Dad's a hypocrite,
I hate him. He's totally on me
about getting my license.
He's acting like he's
some kind of car-driving God guy.
Cool painting. I don't get it.
- I just started it so
- Not whatever that is. I don't get Dad.
- Why wouldn't he let me get my license?
- Dad doesn't take you seriously.
You keep saying
the same thing over and over again.
"Daddy, can I get my license?"
"Daddy, can I get my license?"
He's got you jumping through hoops.
You have to take a stand.
Like I'm taking a stand with my artwork.
I'm gonna show those judges
something they have never seen.
You're right. I've gotta get Dad
to take me seriously.
Kerry, you look serious all the time,
how do you do it?
Like that.
OK, Daddy.
If I can prove I know more about driving
then you, can I get my license today?
- Sure, honey.
- OK.
True or false.
This is a true or false question.
I understand.
All right, when passing a tractor,
you honk your horn three times.
I'd honk once then ask the guy what he's
doing driving a tractor on our street.
- Dad! True or false!
- OK, true!
Ha! False, you don't honk at all.
One wrong. Second question:
In terms of a clock,
where's the safest place
- to put your hand on the wheel?
- I know, ten and two.
Wrong, since the
introduction of air bags,
nine and three have become
the recommended spots.
Nine and three?
Would've thought
- that'd been bigger news.
- I know this book cold.
I could drive an ambulance.
I want my license.
Bridge
- Kerry? What's the matter?
- Nothing, please leave me alone.
See, she's fine.
I still don't have my license.
- You're not gonna get it now.
- You said if I knew more, I could.
I'll tell you something,
you'll drive when I say you can drive.
This is so unfair.
I have jumped over every hoop!
- So, Kerry
- I don't want to talk about it.
Honey
is it boys?
School? Female things?
- I don't want to talk about it.
- Sorry.
All of the above?
Or, sorry. No.
OK, we don't have to talk about it.
- They hated my painting.
- You didn't even show me your painting.
I didn't want you to see it.
I was the only one in my class
who didn't get to the next level.
Including that football player who let
his dog do his painting with his tail.
I'm so sorry.
- What kind of dog was it?
- Dad!
I know. I know. That's not important.
Forget it. Doesn't matter.
God, these are real
artists and gallery owners.
They know what they're talking about.
They said my piece did not meet
the standards of the competition.
- That could mean anything.
- No it can't!
It means I wasn't worth judging.
It means that I suck!
Don't be so hard on yourself
You know what? This is all your fault.
or on me.
Why did you make me
enter the competition anyway?
Kerry, you told me
you didn't care what people thought!
- Dad, I thought you'd want to know
- Not right now, Rory.
OK.
[car engine starting]
Is that my car?
- Is that Bridget driving my car?
- Oh, so now you want to know.
Thanks, Terry, let me know
if you hear from her.
I don't believe this.
- I can't find Bridget anywhere.
- Check the mall?
No, Cate, I checked
the libraries and museums.
Of course I checked the mall.
- I need help with my math homework.
- We're just a little busy right now.
Just one question.
If a car's going 60 miles an hour,
and can drive 300 miles
on a tank of gas,
what time will it be
when Bridget gets to Tijuana?
Upstairs. Get upstairs!
Upstairs!
Oh, thank God she's home.
Control yourself.
The important thing is she's safe.
- Before you freak out, I'm sorry
- You're not talking.
- What happened, officer?
- Driving without a license.
- I'm sorry. I feel terrible.
- I don't want to hear it.
What were you thinking?
I don't want to hear it!
- No harm done.
- No harm done?
- Calm down.
- I'm gonna let this go with a warning.
No driving till you get a license.
You're a good driver, take the test.
If she's such a good driver,
why'd you pull her over? Oh, I get it.
Because she was cute, wasn't it?
No, because she was driving your car
with expired registration tags.
Actually, it's,
it's my wife's car.
- Well, you can give her this.
- Honey, he wants you to have this.
- He wont' let me say I'm sorry.
- Stop.
- This is big, Bridget!
- If you were not such a jerk!
Hey! Don't you ever talk
to your father that way.
Now you go up to your room
and you just stay there for ever.
- Why?!
- Upstairs!
- This is unbelievable.
- She's just She's not gonna
Know what's gonna happen
This is the most
I feel exactly the same way.
OK, Bridget's handled.
Now, would you try to calm down?
I don't think I can sleep.
My heart is racing.
Here, you're a nurse, feel my heart.
[breathing deeply]
[chuckles] There's nothing wrong
with your heart, Paul.
What do you know, you're not a doctor,
you're just a nurse.
I don't see how you can be so calm
when our daughter stole our car.
Oh, I thought it was my car.
- It's handled. Bridget is grounded.
- I know. I wish you'd obsess about it.
- She deliberately disobeyed me.
- That was wrong.
- She broke the law.
- That was wrong.
She called me a jerk.
A jerk!
Well, you kind of were.
What?!
Look, Bridget wouldn't have rebelled if
you'd been the tiniest bit reasonable.
Oh, you
You're saying I'm unreasonable?
That's ridiculous, right there.
- Hey. Hey, Paul.
- What?
[sighs]
How do you feel when
Bridget gets behind the wheel of a car?
I mean honestly?
Scared.
Or when she leaves
on a date with some boy?
Scared.
When she wakes up every morning
a little closer to becoming a woman?
Scared, OK? I'm worried about
my children. I'm a terrible father.
No. You can't prevent your daughters
from growing up 'cause you're scared.
They should tell you that when you
bring them home from the hospital.
- Morning, Bridget.
- Morning, Daddy.
- Paul?
- Hmm?
I was thinking I might take Bridget
to get her license today.
I mean, you know,
if that's OK with you?
- Sure.
- Really? You mean it?
It's your mom's call.
Let's go, honey. Come on.
[sighs]
Morning, Care Bear. You look like
you're feeling better this morning.
I am. You know, I can't believe I got
so upset about a stupid art contest.
Way to go.
No point in dwelling on
- What are you throwing out?
- Just my art stuff.
- I realized it's not for me.
- Those are your paintings!
- I know. I don't need them anymore.
- What're you talking about?
- Listen, we have to discuss this.
- Really, Dad, I'm totally OK with it.
Not the bunny!
It's a giraffe!
A lot of talented students
just didn't quite make the cut, Mr
- Hennessy.
- Hennessy.
- Wait, Kerry Hennessy is your daughter?
- Yes.
- Oh, Kerry's incredibly talented.
- Why didn't she get in?
You see what your daughter submitted?
Well, no, but, you know, she
she's very private about her work.
She gets that from me,
artistic temperament. I'm a writer.
I have a column in the local paper.
Maybe you saw it?
It's actually a very Oh, my God!
I know, fabulous, isn't it?
[groans] If it were up to me,
she'd be in.
But this competition was sponsored by
the Michigan Ecumenical Council
of Churches and Synagogues.
- Oh, it was?
- Uh-huh.
I can understand objections
by Catholics and Jews,
but even the Wiccans
didn't want this in.
But it is art.
And sometimes art is made
to shock and disturb the viewer.
Oh, my God!
Doesn't she have a First Amendment
right to express her
For God sakes, put it away.
Hey, Bear.
I'm saving that seat.
Thank you.
I spoke to one of the judges
of that art contest.
Do you just hate me? Is that why
you're trying to ruin my life?
- You wanna hear what she had to say?
- No.
What?
She said that you were very talented.
- Stop trying to make me feel better.
- I'm not!
She said the reason you didn't get in,
is because your work
was too controversial.
- What?
- That's what she said.
Controversial?
Oh, my God, those Fascists.
- I'm sorry, honey.
- So we live under some dictatorship,
and I'm being punished
for challenging authority?
- Cool!
- Wait a minute. Kerry, Kerry, Kerry!
Come here, sit down.
Kerry, you told me you didn't care
what anybody thought.
That's not true. I think, maybe,
you care a little too much.
- Are you calling me a hypocrite?
- No, I'm just saying
l've seen a lot of your art work.
And you could've submitted
any number of paintings
to that church competition
- that would've been more appropriate.
- I know, Dad.
But then maybe
they wouldn't have liked it.
And that would hurt.
So you did everything you could
to make that not happen.
Honey
I think you should just, you know
put yourself out there
once in a while.
They really thought I was controversial?
Oh, for the love of God! And talented.
Weren't you listening to a word I said?
I was, and I'm glad
that you liked my art.
I love your art.
You know, don't Don't
make your world too small, OK?
- OK.
- OK.
- [laughing]
- What's so funny?
My world gets bigger,
Bridget can't leave the house. So cool.
Hey, everyone!
Hey, do I look different?
Do I look like the owner of
a new Michigan driver's license?
- Can I take the car to the mall?
- Oh, no.
You're not going anywhere else.
I took you for the test to settle this
issue and find some peace in this house.
- All right, fine. I'll be in my room.
- Uh, Cate?
You know, since this is a special day,
maybe I don't know,
Bridget, if you want,
you could go to the store and
pick up the milk your mother forgot.
- Really?
- You did good, honey.
Come here, beach girl.
I'm so proud of you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you, Daddy.
So have fun, be safe, and then,
you know, back in your room.
- OK?
- That's your father's call.
This is a long time coming,
but, apparently, you've earned it.
The minivan?
You want me to drive the loser cruiser?
- Or you could walk.
- I'm good.
- You passed?
- Yes, come with!
Look at my hair,
doesn't it look good?
- So she passed.
- Yeah.
- [door closes]
- How's it feel?
Not sure.
[Paul] OK, Beach, OK.
I'm almost done.
Almost, one two
three, off you go!
You got it! You got it!
Off you go.
[cheering, applause on TV]
- See, you have to
- Just take them and go!
Oh, man! The sole's ripped!
Dad, I'm gonna need
some new sh