Adults (2025) s01e04 Episode Script

1
You're flossing to me?
Are you flossing to me?
I'm the only one here.
Ah. [groans]
Okay. Guys, no.
[blows whistle]
House rules!
[all laughing]
-What are we doing?
-It's a tradition, you'll see.
Upstairs now! Let's go!
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
÷ | Never around
the same about ÷ |
÷ | She's got it all ÷ |
Strong board this year, guys.
-Yeah.
-Awesome.
-[Paul] Okay, we mix it.
-[Issa] Okay.
Homeowner goes first.
-[Issa gasps]
-[Samir clears throat]
-Paul Baker.
-Yeah.
-Your first rule.
-Can't believe I have
to say this, but
No fucking on the couch.
Yes, but no.
Okay, thematically similar.
-Stop leaving condoms
in the toilet.
-Copy that.
-And the shower.
-[Paul] That's on me.
-And in the sink that one time.
-My bad, big bro.
See, I told you we have
to stop using protection.
-No.
-What?
-So ruled?
-So ruled.
So ruled.
And then you drink from
the Springsteen on Broadway mug,
which is the most sacred
drinking vessel
in the house. Drink up.
-[Issa] Go! Go! Go! Whoo!
-Oh. It's bad, bad.
Okay, who's next?
-Issa. Issa.
-Me?
Lots of options here. Um
Opening it up
to the floor under Article 3-6.
Oh, I know. She's got
to stop saying the F slur.
-I'm allowed to say that.
-No, I grandfathered her in.
-It's fine.
-She has to admit
her parents are rich.
-They're upper middle class.
It's not
-I cannot have this fight again.
Then, she has to let us
track her.
Oh. Yeah, guys, please. I keep
losing her in multi-floor Zaras.
Okay, totally.
You guys can track me right now.
I just have
Wait, where is my phone?
Okay, so we will
track her with an AirTag.
-Wait, what?
-So ruled?
[all] So ruled.
-Bruce her.
-[Anton] Attagirl.
[Samir] Drink up.
-Anton.
-Yes. Okay, yes.
-You have to break
your dry spell.
-[gasps]
-Fuck off.
-Because you're getting
kind of snippy.
Fuck off, girl.
And also your standards are
impossibly high.
Okay, smart, kind, so gay that
it turns a corner
and becomes straight again.
-What is the problem with that?
-[Issa] Anton
-So ruled?
-So ruled.
Fine. I'm horny.
-[Issa] Paul Baker!
-Okay, Samir
I know, I know.
We don't have to do
the whole thing for me,
-'cause I already know
I gotta
-[all] Get a job!
I gotta get a job, yeah.
[all clapping]
-Billie.
-Yes.
You must stop visiting
your old high school.
Give me the gavel.
-No.
-No. No more check-ins.
-No more knock, knocks.
-I mean, what even is
a "knock, knock"?
Knock, knock.
Just in the area. Hi.
-It's strange, love.
-[Samir] Thank you.
If I stop going,
they'll think I've died.
-That's okay. Okay, so ruled?
-[all] So ruled.
[Samir] Starting now.
You got this, Bills.
-No more knock, knocks.
-No more
Knock, knock.
Hey, Billie Schaeffer.
How the hell are you?
Yeah, good.
Just in the neighborhood,
thought I'd, uh, swing by.
-Yeah, please, come on in.
-Oh, my God. I'd be honored.
Hey, guys, this is
Hey, Kelsey.
[whistles] Headphones.
Guys, this is Billie.
Billie is, no joke,
one of Garfield's best
and brightest alumni.
We had these desks. [chuckles]
In fact, actually,
Billie here was
editor in chief of the paper for
-three years, was it? Yeah, wow.
-Three years, yeah.
Three years.
God, best years of my life.
[chuckles]
So, she pretty much
taught me how to do my job.
-Oh, my God. Stop.
-How've you been?
-How's-how's, uh,
the big, bad world?
-Everything is great. Um
Everything is going
according to plan.
-So
-Great. Good for you.
I mean,
I was gonna head out, but
I mean, if you guys have
any questions, I mean
No, not if you're
on your way out.
You go. We're fine.
I mean, I have a minute.
-Okay.
-I have a minute. Yeah.
Okay, okay. Yeah, that'd
be great. We would love it.
We'll take it. Guys.
Hit me with your best shot.
We're on a deadline.
Ooh. Kelsey,
that's a little rude, okay?
So we're gonna call that
strike one for the day,
all right?
Yeah, Josh.
Hi. Josh Rapaport.
Do you have any tips
for interviewing people?
Do I have tips? Yeah.
Yeah, I have tips.
So, sophomore year,
I taught myself shorthand.
-That's right.
-Google
"Hot to Jot" Cheryl Koenig.
Game changer. [chuckles]
Yes, over here. Question?
Um, didn't you stop by
my Spanish class last week?
Yeah. Yeah,
you were there last week.
I remember seeing you.
No, I don't think I did.
Did I? I don't know.
Yeah, you asked if we were
up to vosotros .
Don't think that that was me.
Do we have
any other questions? Yes.
Yeah, why do you care
if we're up t vosotros
?
No, you know what? Why don't
we keep it on track, shall we?
Avery is right.
She's here a lot. It's weird.
-Okay, so that feels like
strike two.
-[sighs] Why?
How is Rachel Sheffield
always on a fucking cruise?
I got an interview.
-What?
-I got an interview at,
like, a
-at a company.
-No, I can't hear you.
I have an interview
at a company.
Like a fintech company.
Wait, what?
That's amazing.
I know. Picture me, fintech.
-Can you see it? I'm at a desk.
-Mm-hmm.
Bunch of staplers,
little ones, big ones.
-Staple remover as well.
-'Course.
I'm sitting there,
"Hi, I'm Samir.
I work at fintech."
My voice is different.
It's "in fintech."
But yes, I fully pictured it.
-Wow. [stammers] It's great.
-Okay.
This is crazy.
I just gotta look up
what the "fin" means.
Mm-hmm. Look that up.
So now it's between Abby P
and Abby F
for the lead
of Popcorn Forest the Musical.
But it's just, like, Abby F's
parents are in a commune.
-She isn't well.
-And done.
-You are officially airtagged.
-I love it.
-Wait. It's actually so chic.
-Should we take it
for a test-drive?
-[gasps] Yeah.
-Go to Sephora.
-Somewhere scary.
-Oh, my God.
-I love how you're speaking.
-Uh-huh.
That sounds so fun.
I love it. [gasps]
-What? Do we know him?
-Oh, my God. Look.
No, but that's, like,
literally Anton's type.
Well, he's with a girl though.
Well, I started to,
like, notice people again.
And it's the first time
since Michael that I feel
-like I'm ready
to get back out there.
-Michael. He's gay.
-He's gay.
-[chuckles]
And this is why I'm like,
"Everyone should be in therapy."
[friend] I know.
Wait, are you still
What does he say?
I can't. Tomorrow,
I'm doing that park cleanup.
-[friend] All right.
-Yeah, you know.
-Hey, you want to walk with me?
-[friend] Yeah.
Oh, shit, they're leaving.
Wait, what do we do?
No, babe, don't
Don't. Don't! Don't!
-No, you did not.
-I had to.
-You did not have to.
-I really did.
We are in a post-de Blasio,
pre- Avatar III moment.
We have to live.
-What does that
have to do with this?
-No, look at me.
We have to live.
That's, like, a hundred bucks.
Okay, the mailbox
is so full, you guys.
We actually have to think about
opening that soon.
-He's here!
-Welcome. We've been waiting.
-Whatever it is, no.
I have work.
-No, no, no, so do we.
We have been working to break
your dry spell, actually.
Allow me to explain.
Okay, see me at
a coffee shop outside.
I'm wearing this gorgeous
burgundy camisole,
and my nipples look great.
You took the AirTag
that we all chipped in on
for your house rule,
and you put it on a random guy
that you profiled as gay.
-Or bi.
-No, he was definitely gay.
-But yes.
-Okay. I have to work.
-No, no, Anton,
please sit down. Please.
-[sighs]
We've been working on this
all morning. Just five minutes.
Thank you. So, now
Anton, full commit sit.
Okay, look at me.
Now look at Paul Baker.
Now tell him he's cute.
-You're cute.
-Okay.
Look at that dot.
We saw that dot.
We heard that dot's voice.
We saw that dot's bicep
ripple in the sun
as he drank his dirty, little,
slutty, little chai.
[whispers] So slutty.
I am telling you,
with full confidence,
this dot could be
more than just your
first fuck in eight months.
This dot could be
the love of your life.
The love of your life.
[scoffs]
-I've always wanted to read her.
-Take it. For real, take it.
You'll love Elena Ferrante.
-You don't have to walk me out.
-Please.
It's the least I can do.
-Hey, sorry about the kids.
-Yeah.
-They're real shits this year.
-They really are.
Well, come back next year.
All the COVIDy ones
are graduating, so
No, thanks. But this is kind of
my farewell tour.
-Oh.
-Yeah.
And not in the Elton way,
where I keep coming back.
But in like a Bowie way,
where I die at the end.
Oh. Oh, oh. Who do we have here?
[chuckles]
The myth, the legend.
[÷ | wistful music]
Billie? You okay, Billie?
Billie, you okay?
-Yeah.
-Oh, gosh. What can I
-Would you like some water
or something?
-No.
-I'll take it down.
-No, don't take it down.
Okay, I'll leave it there. Um
Do you [sighs] Do you want
some gossip? Teacher gossip?
Madame Daubreu's been
embezzling from the French Club.
[sobs] But then how will
they go to Quebec?
-[sobs]
-Um
Do you want to help me
grade some essays?
Yeah, I think I'd like that.
Great.
Ooh. Dot's leaving The Whitney.
[Issa] And you know
he was there for the art too.
Like, that was way too long
for just a status tote.
Oh, my God.
Wow, Dot's flying down
9th Avenue.
-Wow, Dot's in incredible shape.
-Anton.
Okay, can you guys do this
in truly any other part
of the house?
I have to go off mute
in a second and say, "Uh-huh,"
or else I'll get an email.
Yeah, I'm gonna go prep
for my interview upstairs.
It's the one for fintech.
"Fin" stands for "financial,"
just so we're all aware.
-Totally.
-See?
Some people have actual work,
instead of wasting the day
stalking a gay stranger.
-[Issa] Dot's at Cafe Corinne!
-[Paul] Is that good or bad?
That's amazing. That's, like,
Anton's favorite restaurant.
It's, like, dim lighting,
long communal sinks,
amazing soap.
-[Paul gasps]
-Good luck, Dot.
You're gonna have to wait
in line for, like, an hour.
-[Paul] Oh, my God.
Dot's getting in.
-He must have a connection.
[Anton's colleague]
to Anton. Anton?
Uh-huh.
[Anton's colleague]
Great. And we'll get that
Who is this perfect man?
[÷ | whimsical dance music]
Yeah, so obviously it's
a new space for me, fintech.
But I am a quick learner
and I've been brushing up
on Python since college.
Okay, very nice.
So, yeah, it'll be a jump,
but, like, Harrison Ford started
as a carpenter, right?
-[chuckles]
-Yeah.
[Adam] That's good.
Well, look, Samir, we're
building this team out fast,
and I think I speak
for all of us
when I say we love you
in the role as a PM.
-Oh.
- So, uh, yeah, let's do it.
-Wha Yeah?
-[Adam] Yes.
Like, that that's it?
That's it.
You got the job, Samir.
- Good job.
-Wow.
Yeah, that's great. Well
No, that's great.
-Wow, wow.
- Oh, come on. That's it?
[stammers] Thank you, guys.
We just said you got the job.
-[Lindsay] You can celebrate.
- Come on.
The interview is over.
-[Lindsay] Loosen up.
The job is yours.
-Okay. Yeah. Yeah.
-I mean, yeah.
-[Adam] Come on. It's exciting.
-[Lindsay]
Celebrate a little. Ow!
-Oh, man.
Yeah, there we go. Good job.
- Ey.
- Uh-oh. Watch out.
- Ey. This guy.
-[whooping]
-[gasping]
-Ah! [chuckles]
Okay. Think I might
have you guys on mute.
So how does it work, uh,
with vacation days?
Okay, wait, I think this is AI.
Yes. I mean,
they're all AI, but just
-How good is the AI
that I'm grading?
-[chuckles]
So, any chance you wanna tell me
what's going on with you?
-I just lost my job, so
-[sighs]
Fuck, Billie, I'm sorry.
I did have a hunch.
[sighs] Well, you know,
what with all the
the knock, knocks.
[sighs] That's I know, I
I mean, I've been trying,
you know?
Pretending like
it doesn't bother me
and trying to lean into it
and telling myself that it's,
like, this great opportunity
to rebrand but
-[clicking stapler]
-It's not, you know?
Like, I'm 24, I'm unemployed,
I'm about to be
priced out of blonde,
and now, on top of that,
I'm in 15 grand of medical debt
because of some hospital bill.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
And it's like, I don't know,
maybe that's just what happens.
Maybe that's what life is.
You go from being
all gold stars and potential
to just some bitch
who peaked in high school.
Look, hey, I've seen "peaked
in high school," all right?
Max Rapaport.
-He's so bald now.
-I know.
[both chuckling]
I'm not worrying about you.
Whatever you're going through,
you will get through.
You will.
Yeah, I hope so.
You will.
You just have to, you know,
take it one step at a time.
Okay, like, for example,
what did the hospital say
when you called them
about the bill?
-You can call them?
-Oh.
-[Anton] I feel like
Dot's an uncle.
-[Issa] Mmm!
But, like, he's not annoying
about it. He just, like,
loves his nephews.
-Yeah.
-And I feel like Dot has,
like, a toolbox,
but all the tools are actually,
like, clicked in their place.
-[Issa gasps]
-Oh. 100%. Yeah.
Okay, question for the group.
Do we think Dot has
a dick or a cock?
Oh. Interesting.
'Cause some guys have dicks,
and then some guys have,
like, cocks.
I feel like Dot has a schlong.
-You know?
Like, it's, like, heavy.
-[Issa] Yeah. Yeah.
-I feel like Mindwipe?
-Yeah.
I feel like it's been hard to
break my dry spell or whatever
-because I, like,
hate a random hookup.
-Mm-hmm.
But obviously if it's not
random, then it feels like
it means something,
and then if it, like,
means something,
then I could get Jacob again.
Anton's ex. Broke Anton's heart.
Dead to us.
Amazing shoulders though.
-[whispers] Iss.
-Sorry.
I can't avoid it forever,
obviously.
-I just
-Yeah.
Okay, you guys,
I called mindwipe.
-Oh. Totally, yeah.
-Oh. Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, my God! Samir, how'd it go?
Uh, I got the job.
-Hey!
-What?
-And then I mooned them.
-Oh.
Then I lost the job.
-What?
-[Samir] So
Yeah.
-So
-[mouths] Mooned them.
Maybe I'm a socialist.
Ah. No, Samy, dude, you gotta
You can't let all that
with the
with the haters,
didn't get the
-Oh, my God. Dot's home.
Dot's home.
-What? Google that building.
-East 79th, baby, East 79th.
-Oh, it's a doorman building!
Oh, my God! I'm gonna be sick.
The start of my life
has begun, my love.
This is the start of my life!
[rat squeaks]
So I have the itemized bill
in front of me
and I did get, um, yeah,
all three of those scopes done.
But you're looking at
the procedure calculator online.
And, um,
I'm on the hospital website
and the procedure calculator
is showing a much lower price.
Yeah, I'm looking at 1,700
for an endoscopy.
And a thousand
for a colonoscopy.
And more like
a thousand for a colonoscopy.
Now ask about
the hardship payment plan.
Yeah, and let me ask you
something, Cindy.
Do you have a, um
a hardship payment plan?
-Mm-hmm.
-Because I, uh
I just got fired, so
Wait, really?
-[whispers] 2,200.
-Take it, take it.
-And that's over six months?
-[gasping]
Yes. Yeah. Oh, my God.
Yeah, I can
I can figure that out, I think.
Yes, thank you, Cindy.
Thank you so much. Okay, bye.
Whoo!
-Holy shit! Oh my God!
-Hey.
-Hey, you were amazing.
-You were amazing.
Oh, my God! Okay, 2,200
is still a lot of money.
We'll figure that out.
But, oh, my God, how did you
figure out how to do that?
There's a lot of years
between 24 and 42.
Plus I once paid ten grand
for an MRI, so
[sighs]
Hey, wait till I get
my hands on your rsum.
-Oh. Oh. Uh
-[unzipping]
I don't know that we should
do this in here, Billie.
[whimpers, pants]
No, no, no, leave them,
leave them.
I'll give them all B's.
[Issa] Wait,
I feel insane right now.
If Dot's job
transfers him to London,
you are not going with him.
-I'm just saying,
maybe I do go with him.
-[doorbell rings]
And I'm just saying,
where the fuck do I live?
Well, we can't have
a dedicated room for you
in the flat.
-That's something we cannot do.
I'm sorry.
-Okay, then find a bigger house.
I don't understand.
Finder's fee.
I got you guys together.
-Finder's fee?
-Yeah.
How much do I owe you?
I'll pay you.
-Hey, man. Uh, ID?
-Oh, yeah, come on in.
[Anton] I need time with him
alone. Dot wants me alone.
What are you watching?
This, uh,
squirrel is water skiing.
[Anton and Issa
continue indistinctly]
Hey, what's the interview
like for this?
-For what? For doing deliveries?
-Yeah.
You just sign up.
[Issa] Oh, my God.
If anything, I can
move in as godmother
after you guys have kids.
-I mean, that'll be soon.
I'm just
-Okay.
-Oh, shit.
-What?
-Dot's in Queens.
-[Issa gasps]
-That's Harold's pub.
-Oh, my God.
That's like two minutes away.
[gasps]
-What? What?
-Go to him.
-Come on, Anton.
This is destiny.
-Anton!
This is a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
This is the love of your life.
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'll go. I'll go. I'll go.
-Yeah?
-I'll go.
Yes, I'm going. I'm go
-Okay. I'm gonna get a coat.
-I'm going.
-You're gonna meet your person.
-Oh, my God. What is happening?
So I obviously love you
in a structured shoulder,
but this one makes you
look like Casablanca.
-Never seen it.
-Yeah, me neither.
-Okay, that one.
-Okay.
-[Issa] Oh, my God.
Oh, my goodness.
-Okay. I'm gonna go meet Dot.
-[Issa] You're gonna meet Dot.
-I'm gonna be
face to face with Dot.
With the love of your life.
Oh my God. [gasps]
[whispers]
Deep breath, deep breath.
Hey, go fuck his brains out,
crazy girl.
[both sighing]
-There he goes.
-[whispers] We did it.
÷ | You build me up
you break me down ÷ |
÷ | Then you whisper to yourself
"It's just a phase" ÷ |
÷ | Just a phase ÷ |
[÷ | upbeat rock continues]
-[music stops]
-[siren wailing in distance]
Shit.
-[sighs]
-[phone chimes]
[message tone beeps]
[message tone beeps]
Again with this fucking cruise.
-[Issa] That picture's good.
-[Samir] You think so?
-[Issa] That's really good.
-[Samir] That's a guy
you trust with food.
-[Issa] Totally.
-[Samir] He's not gonna
have a fry, right?
-What's going on?
-Samir got a job.
-He's employed!
-Hello! Fintech?
No, I-I mooned them. It was
crazy, but I am officially
Ba-ba-ba.
"Terms and conditions."
Bada bing, bada boom.
-I'm doing deliveries.
-Whoo!
-[all cheering]
-Yay!
Attaboy.
-[Issa] You did it.
-[Samir] Did it.
[Paul] Aw. We're so proud
of you, Samy.
-[Issa] Oh, my God.
-[Billie] Yay!
-First one! First one!
First one!
-Whoo!
Okay. Yeah.
-[all laughing]
-[Billie] Nice.
Wait, so what did you
Wait, what's in your hair?
-You have something
in your Like
-Oh.
Yeah. You have something.
What?
[÷ | wistful music]
[smacks lips] Nothing.
÷ | Those schoolgirl days ÷ |
÷ | Of telling tales
and biting nails are gone ÷ |
÷ | If you wanted the sky ÷ |
÷ | I would write across the sky
in letters ÷ |
÷ | That would soar
a thousand feet high ÷ |
÷ | "To sir, with love" ÷ |
÷ | If you wanted the sky ÷ |
÷ | I would write across the sky
in letters ÷ |
÷ | That would soar
a thousand feet high ÷ |
÷ | "To sir, with love" ÷ |