AfterMASH (1983) s01e04 Episode Script

1
© BF-WATCH TV 2021.
True News Smashing!
Morning!
Morning!
It's chilly out there.
Morning!
Nip in the ear.
Good morning, lovely ladies.
Cream of wheat weather, eh?
Howdy.
You look comfortable.
Yikes!
You crazy man!
Have you no shame?
This is a government building.
Reception!
Get somebody down here who can handle this
man!
Well, is that all you can say for yourself?
Gordon!
You promised me you were going to get a
hobby.
He said hello to me, Father.
What could I do?
Well, let's get you upstairs and into a
pair of long Johns.
Thank you, Father.
I was getting a little cold.
I could tell.
Excuse me, sir.
Where do I show this?
My God, man!
Keep that coat button or you're under
arrest!
I was just looking to see where I check
in.
Oh, sorry.
That would be admitting.
Right here, through there.
Are you okay?
Welcome to General Pershing.
Good morning.
Hopkins?
Rivers.
Right.
Turner.
Potter.
Right.
I knew it was you.
Fifth calf?
Right.
Last time I saw you, it would have been
Giverny.
I was never in Giverny.
Must have you mixed up with someone else.
Oh, it's me.
Well, so am I.
Great to see you again.
Likewise.
Bob Scannell's here with us.
Bob Scannell?
A red-haired, tall guy of big shoulders?
Could have been.
Again, you checking in?
Yeah.
Remember what it was like when you'd ride
a horse before your lunch was settled?
That's the way my stomach's been feeling
lately.
Well, you came to the right place.
Our motto at General General, when you're
at death's door, we'll pull you through.
Colonel, can I have you for a minute?
Sure.
Good to see you again, Rivers.
You were a cognac man.
We were all cognac men.
Then we must be us.
Doctor?
Sir, we've got another two post-op cases
with staph infection.
It makes six.
I'm only a resident, but I sense a pattern.
They've got a carrier somewhere.
We're going to have to strip old General
Pershing down to his shorts.
Doctor, I want skin and nasal cultures run on
everyone before this thing spreads to Milwaukee.
Sir, could you pass this duty along to one
of the interns?
Dr. Shelby is performing an
aorta-oiliac thrombo-endar directly
this afternoon, and I've
got a seat right at the navel.
You have your orders.
I want your business in everyone's nose.
General Pershing?
The VA in Washington?
Yes, sir, I'll put you right through to
Mr. D'Angelo.
Bert, how are things in old D.C.,
the devil's cat house?
Is this an official call, or can I loosen
my tie?
Yeah, yeah.
And they're coming when?
We'll be ready for them.
Bert, you're a real pal filling me in on
the QT like this.
Do I owe you one, or is this paying me
back for one you owe me?
No, that didn't count, because I paid you
for it.
Okay, then you owe me one.
Appreciate it, Bert.
Be talking to you when I need you.
Alma, right now, Sibu, please.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, I lost the dress shield.
We'll have someone look for it later.
Alma, two days hence, we have a surprise
inspection coming from Washington.
We're not supposed to know about it,
and we don't, but of course we do.
Total shakedown?
The whole kit and caboodle, lock,
stock and barrel, ramrod, and greasy rag.
And the little snakes.
Yeah, lucky for us, we have spies
everywhere.
I'm counting on you, Alma.
I'm up here, counselor.
It's a challenge, but we'll be ready.
I have every confidence, every confidence.
Mike, we've got a staff infection running
roughshod through the second floor wards.
We've got to isolate the carrier or this
whole place is going to be on its back.
We'll find it.
This is no time for people to be getting
sick here in the hospital.
Colonel, in 48 hours, we'll undergo a full
VA internal review inspection.
I have to have every virus accounted for.
A raging epidemic is not going to sit well.
We're doing all we can, Mike.
You sure have rotten timing.
Okay.
It's a setback, but we have two days, more than
enough time to have everything under complete control.
No reason to panic.
Will someone please keep an eye on that
exhibitor?
During this inspection, I don't want that
man showing his face.
Among other things.
The General Pershing bedside network is on
the air with a little music.
I'd play Whistle While You Work,
but I don't have that one.
So this will have to do.
Mr. Klinger, your doctor progress notes
are in with your qualification records.
That shouldn't be.
Your pharmacy committee in with your lab
diagnostic procedures.
Inexcusable.
Oh, my God.
Your 10P10s alongside your tissue
committee notes.
In short, Mr. Klinger, your files are a
mess.
Well, I've been meaning to get to them.
Thanks for the boost.
Mr. Klinger, during our last inspection,
our former Chief of Staff assistant was
marked unsatisfactory, and his records
were in better shape than this.
You mean his was scattered around the room
in neat little piles?
When the inspectors arrive, they will
immediately check previous deficiencies.
If enough of these are found, then a
failed inspection is the result.
That can mean reductions in jobs.
And on a brighter note, that could mean
you.
Do you know where your predecessor is
today, Mr. Klinger?
He pumped gas for me last week.
Did a lousy job of it, too.
And as a result of me reporting him,
he may not even be doing that.
They wouldn't fire me.
And why not, Mr. Klinger?
Because I'm a veteran.
This is a veteran's hospital.
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting
You're nothing.
Special.
I want this floor looking like glass.
You understand?
Glass.
I got it under control, ma'am.
I don't believe this.
Personal classified.
Verboten.
How many men was I, Mr. Wright, till people learned
that this is a hospital, not a white elephant sale?
Well, don't be sorry.
Because I am going to pin up the people
who posted these.
Excuse me, Miss Cox.
Have you seen patient Gordon?
I'm supposed to be keeping an eye on him,
but he sort of slipped away.
I don't think so.
What does he look like?
Oh, how can I say this?
From the back, he wears a robe.
Oh, that man.
No, thank goodness I haven't seen him.
Are you sure?
Father, if a man did that to me,
wouldn't I know it?
All right.
May I?
Thank you.
Colonel, I'm not one for complaining.
No, and I look good in shorts.
I just can't handle all the
paperwork on these cultures that Dr.
Pfeiffer is sending through and
still get ready for the inspections.
John, you've got every right to complain.
Thank you.
But you're still gonna do it.
Sir, if my files aren't in perfect order,
I could lose my job.
Where'd you hear that balloon juice?
The unsinkable, Miss Cox.
People are gonna be laid off because of an
inspection?
Phooey.
Now, you go get a cup of Joe and take a
break.
It'll be the first one I ever had.
And don't worry so much.
You're getting dark circles under your eyes,
and that sets your nose off something fierce.
Yes, sir.
Layoffs.
That's a hot one.
Nursing supervisor, ward, you'll be.
Nursing supervisor, ward, you'll be.
Did you hear?
There's gonna be layoffs after this
inspection.
Says who?
Colonel Potter, Chief of Staff.
He was just telling Klinger.
One of those days, huh?
Today is all of them.
I should have been a migrant worker.
Less hours and the pay is better.
What's wrong with you people?
The hospital.
It was all fun and games.
They painted pink.
I'm not getting any closer to nailing down
this lousy staph infection than after a
hundred people scraping noses is starting
to lose its whimsy.
And if that's not enough, it looks like
we're going to lose a patient.
Really?
Who?
Rivers.
Metastatic carcinoma.
I don't think he's going to last much
longer.
Cancer?
That's what the x-rays show?
Well, they're not back yet, but the weight loss,
the anemia, the bone pain, everything points to it.
It'd be something as simple as
gallbladder.
Well, liver function tests were okay.
Maybe it's pancreatitis.
Nope.
Analyze is fine.
There's a host of things it could be.
Sir, a wise doctor once told me,
base your diagnosis on the facts.
That's all I'm doing.
I'm going to give you another fact.
This fellow you're so quick to Bury was
5th Cavalry.
Toughest bunch of boys you've ever seen.
I wouldn't write him off just yet.
Well, the test will be back tomorrow.
Then I'll know for sure.
No, I will.
I want that wise doctor's second opinion.
Thank you.
Did you hear 25 employees were going to be
let go?
No, I heard it was 50.
Staff inspection!
The succotash is hitting the fan now.
Don't panic, everybody.
Just a mockery run.
There's some crud on this.
Sir, that's the pattern.
No, that's crud.
I want these plates so clean you can eat
off them.
Servers, let's remember to wear our hats
and slash our hairnets.
Two salts on that table.
How's that veal, young man?
Delicious.
Get your 30 cents worth?
Yes, sir.
Good answer.
Ladies and gentlemen, as your administrator,
I am encouraged by what I am seeing.
I think this hospital is going to come
through this inspection smelling like ammonia.
Please, that's not necessary.
Meatloaf, pie, roll, coffee.
Okay, that's fine.
40 cents.
Doesn't leave much out of my half dollar,
does it?
Don't laugh.
You might need that money.
Haven't you heard?
Those inspectors are coming out to close
the hospital.
I just thought it was going to be mass
firings.
Someone already got the ax, a guy named
Klinger.
Wait a minute.
I'm Klinger.
Oh, God.
Lee Andrews, William Holden, Robert Preston, Loretta
Swit, and Larry Hagman in Blake Edwards' Hilarious SOB.
The standard operational bull.
Doctor, could we please move it along?
Believe it or not, I've got other things
to do today.
Oh, you'll be easier.
Nostrils flare.
Just stick it in and get it over with.
What's your best side?
Don't inhale.
You'll pull my hand in.
There's no alcohol.
You're in a lab.
No.
No drinking alcohol.
Ha, ha!
Incredible.
Can you hear high-pitched sounds?
Do?
What are you doing here, Dr. Pfeiffer?
I have no idea.
You know how some of the patients are.
They stash booze all over the place.
Oh, they do, do they?
Well, a few do.
Maybe one or two do.
Maybe one does.
Well, prohibition has returned.
You still owe me a nostril.
Wing it.
Mr. Gordon, when do you say we blow this
joint tomorrow?
I can come by for your date and have you
back no earlier than 3.30.
I don't think so.
So, tomorrow the daughters of the American
Revolution are coming by and I'd like to salute them.
They believe to go Saturday.
Weekends in River Bend are a madhouse
tomorrow.
What will we do?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe get you a new robe.
I'd like that.
Then it's a date.
Well, good afternoon, Miss Cox.
Father.
Crap, it's not a date.
Class, I want to see my face in that floor.
Why?
Mr. Klinger, you're busy?
A little.
Good.
I need someone of your reprehensible
abilities.
Oh.
It has come to my attention that this hospital is
becoming a veritable warehouse of unauthorized alcohol.
And we are going to close it down.
We are?
I want you to use your
cunning and guile to sniff out
every bit of liquor that
doesn't belong in this hospital.
Which is to say, all of it.
Because none of it belongs in this
hospital.
Does that include the bottle in Mr. D
'Angelo's office?
No, that was a gift from me.
Okay, you're the boss.
Of course, you'll cover for me during the inspection
because I won't have time to get these files ready.
Why, of course not.
Then what if I refuse?
You'd make me the happiest person on God's
green earth.
Why don't we try the day room first?
Colonel, did Rivers' tests come back?
Yeah.
After bathroom call, extension 17.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
Yeah.
Complications again, and they had to
remove my spring.
Then, somehow, on the way back from the
operating room, they dropped me.
Herniated my disc.
I was in traction for a couple of months.
Then, being off my feet like that, the
minute I got back on them, my arches fell.
Howdy, boys.
Hey, Sergeant.
We were talking about the good old days.
Well, you need your rest.
I better run.
I'll drop in.
I'll drop in later and tell you what
happened to me after 1930.
Hey, Bob.
Bill, how are you feeling, Rivers?
You're the doctor.
We're still evaluating the tests.
We're not quite sure yet.
Oh.
Barely recognize Cannell.
He's changed.
Hate to see a man in that condition.
Poor old guy.
Can't see, can't hear, can't hardly walk.
Can't even remember what happened to him.
Of course he can do.
I had my choice.
I'd just as soon have myself one last
cognac and pack it in before life did that to me.
Colonel Potter, Mr. D'Angelo would like to
see you immediately.
Be right there.
How'd it go?
Thanks for stopping by.
I'll be fine.
I know you will.
High brows, Mr. D'Angelo.
Yeah, Gilbert.
They're growing together again.
Makes me look devious.
Pluck them or snip them?
Surprise me.
What is it, Mike?
What's what?
You wanted to see me.
Some big emergency.
Right.
Oh, it's come to my attention that you've
not yet isolated that staph infection.
We're working on it.
Well, that's not good enough.
Put people on 24-hour alert.
Go, man, go.
I don't have to tell you what to do,
but since I am, why not?
Ow!
Snip them.
Mike, I'd love to put all my people
Don't be so careful on this thing.
Get right to the bottom of it.
But we have a nasty little inconvenience
here called patients who have all kinds of ills.
Some of them are even dying.
So I'm doing the best I can, and I'd probably do
better if a certain monkey would hop off my back.
Oh, gee, Sherm, take it easy.
It was only a suggestion.
Merely a good-natured goose.
You know I'm behind you.
Sometimes you get a little too close.
Gilbert, I don't think he's getting the
hang of this job.
Come in.
Colonel Potter.
Rivers.
Yes, sir.
The higher dosage of morphine isn't
controlling his pain.
His pulse is weak, and his blood pressure
is dropping.
Thank you, Mrs. Coleman.
I'll take it from here.
Soon-Lee, I know it's three in the
morning.
You better start dinner without me.
No, no, really.
I've almost got it licked.
Just one or two more odds and ends.
I love you, too, honey.
To Lillian Gish.
To Darthick Gish.
Lillian was the dish of the Gish.
Where was I, huh?
Terre Haute, Indiana.
Right, right.
I was selling washes.
Clothes washers?
No, no.
No, no.
Washer washers.
A little too hicky, you know.
Not exciting work.
But there was a need.
Then there was Montpelier, Laredo.
No, no.
Wichita and then Laredo.
That's Contito.
Laredo.
I had a worm farm.
A worm farm.
It happened a couple of years ago.
The sewer caught.
Oh,
holy Toledo, where did that come from?
Give it to me.
If this is spotted, it'll be my head.
If you don't give it back, it'll be your tail.
But, sir, everything's got to be perfect.
Better than perfect.
My whole life rests on
make any difference to Max Klinger.
Since Max Klinger came home.
Well, that Max Klinger's a weenie.
Where's your guts?
You've gone and gotten careful.
And for what?
Life is just too damn short.
To hell with the damn inspection.
If we don't pass, we don't pass.
Go on home already.
In fact, all of you
Go on home.
You've done enough.
You've got families, you've got homes,
you've got places to be.
Go on.
Shoo.
I said get out of here.
Shoo.
You still here?
See you later.
Adios.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, Colonel, I've located the staff carrier.
You did?
Good night.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Five minutes, Mr. D.
Alma, my hair's a little dull.
Have you seen my brilliant team?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I used the last of it to lube my chair.
What?
Alma, you know what they say.
Dull head, dull head.
You don't need it, sir.
You look perfect.
How perfect?
It's to die.
I guess that'll have to do.
Oh, well, Alma, this is it.
D-Day.
Zero hour.
The moment of truth.
I trust you're in this bit shy.
Everything is A, hunky, and B, dory.
The walls are spotless.
The floors are glass.
I went to sleep last night to secure in
the knowledge that no one else did.
Alma, have I told you lately that I
respect you?
Mr. D, please.
I had a clash with my caller.
Alma, can I have your handkerchief?
Anything.
Anything.
We're a heck of a team.
All right.
Let's go get him.
I've hitched my wagon to a star.
Miss Cox, have you seen Mr. Gordon?
Who?
Lord, Father, you were supposed to keep
him under arrest.
Slippery as a naked eel.
I just turned my head for a second and he
was gone.
The path of screams led me in this
direction.
We've got to find him.
I can't kill him if we don't find him.
Good night, ma'am.
Out of my way, Nimrod.
Ma'am, I wouldn't
Beautiful.
Just like that.
Now, this is a surprise inspection,
so you're going to have to look surprised.
Now, let me see you look surprised.
It's got to be real.
They're pulling up now, sir.
Huh?
Morning, Potter, Pfeiffer.
I like those masks.
They're medical.
Mike, we found our staff carrier.
Thank God.
Just in the Nick of time.
I don't care what you have to do,
but get rid of that clown.
Right this way, Mr. D'Angelo.
Wait a minute.
What's going on?
You're the lucky carrier, Mike.
No, it can't be.
Thank God we finally got to you.
Those glad hands of yours are deadly
weapons right now.
Not to worry.
A couple of weeks in isolation and you'll
be good as new.
Hold it.
You can't do this to me.
Who's going to greet the inspection team?
I will.
Welcome to General Pershing.
Don't go away.
Hey, we'll be right back.
I'm especially proud to announce that
we've just received our inspection rating
and it is the highest General Pershing has
received in my five-year tenure as your administrator.
And I can see by your smiling, happy faces
that this means as much to you as it does to me.
Life is too short.
There you go.
Someone once said, getting to the top is
the easy part.
Staying there, that's the task.
Well, stay there, we shall.
What a crock.
Now, when I'm past the point
where contact with me will
make you sick, I plan to shake
all of your collective hands.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you for sticking by me.
Wednesday on Whiz Kids, Richie's accused
of embezzlement.
Richie Adler stole the money after all.
Sending Farley and friends out to catch
the real culprits before they catch him.
Wednesday.
On Emerald Point in A.S.
tonight, a surprise guest appears while
unexpected testimony complicates Glenn's defense.
But first, notorious screen star takes a
shine to Dick's writing in the season
premiere of New Heart with guest Stella
Stevens.
Next.
New Heart.