Alice and Steve (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

[blender whirring]
What are you doing?
Making hummus.
For breakfast?
Uh, no, just generally to have hummus.
I like to, uh… have some hummus around.
Sometimes friends come around
and demand hummus.
But we could have hummus for breakfast.
-It's a good idea--
-What time did you get up?
Uh… I couldn't really sleep.
So you've been making hummus all night?
Uh… No. I got home late.
Whoo, this is a lot of hummus.
I'm always surprised that hummus is
so good for you.
Chickpeas taste too good
to be good for you.
It's-It's so nice
when things work out that way.
I can't really think of many things
that are good for you,
but they…
they taste like they're bad for you…
Maybe Kefir?
What's going on?
Nothing. Nothing's going on.
Something's going on.
Maybe we should talk about this, uh…
when I'm not so tired.
So there is something wrong?
What?
Tell me.
[kitchenware thuds]
[exhales]
Is it something I did?
-No.
-What?
[inhales deeply]
I talked to your mother.
Oh, my God, are we doing that again?
What did she say?
She said
she would never be okay with this.
Yeah, we know that.
She's made that pretty clear.
That-That is a shame.
But this relationship is ours, not hers.
And there is always a chance
that she'll get over it.
I promised her
that I would break up with you.
Excuse me?
She begged me, and I-I couldn't say no.
[chuckles]
Begging. [chuckles]
Oh, right. Yeah.
I-I mean who can say no to begging?
Don't be such a coward, Steve! Grow up!
[sighs]
Izzy, Izzy I don't want to break up
with you. I-I don't know what else to do.
That's all right. I'm just gonna go.
Oh, you should call my mother
and tell her. She'll be so relieved.
I'm just trying to be a good guy here.
Don't you dare make it like
you're doing this for me!
You know what's so sad, Steve?
I am a hot 26 year old with a brain.
I am excellent at dancing and sex.
And I'm likely
to make a pretty good income.
And I only liked you
because you were so sweet.
You were just… Yeah.
Like… I-I chose you because you were safe.
But turns out, you're not safe at all.
You are never gonna find anyone
as good as me.
Ever. Ever.
Ever.
Okay?
Bye.
[door opens, closes]
[phone ringing]
Hey. How's it… How's it going?
How could you?
I trusted you, Steve. You were my…
-What's happened?
-I thought we were friends.
The papers have printed a story
saying I shat myself.
-I've… [stammers] I've never told anyone.
-Bollocks!
Of course it was you!
You were the only person who knew!
Anyway, I'm just calling to say
I will no longer require your services.
And you should know I've called everyone
and told them you aren't to be trusted.
-So good luck having no clients…
-Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
…and no job.
-[Steve groans]
-Goodbye, Steve.
-Oh, no. Bye.
-[busy signal beeping]
All my friends hate the tabloids.
So who do you know that
reads that shit, Steve?
Really hope you enjoy each other.
Oh, shit! No, no, no. Oh, shit.
-[phone ringing]
-Oh, for…
Hello?
I understand.
-[phone rings]
-H… H… Hello.
Okay, I understand.
-[phone rings]
-Uh, hello.
Uh-huh. [stammers]
Oh, God.
[Steve] I'm sorry to hear that.
Uh… Yes, I understand. I understand.
No, no, I-I understand.
Just one more question.
Will you still need me
to style you for the music video?
[busy signal beeps]
[sighs]
[phone buzzing]
You have destroyed my life.
I hope you're happy now.
Can it… Can it just say,
"I'm so sorry. We can fix this.
It was a silly moment of anger,
and I really regret it.
But we both did… [sighs]
…something we shouldn't have done and…"
[florist] Yeah,
that won't fit on the card.
[sighs]
Okay, just "sorry" then. Thank you.
[Steve] "Sorry then, thank you"?
"Sorry then, thank you"?
What the fuck are you thanking me for?
We're going to ruin her, aren't we boy?
Yes, that's right.
We're going to take everything she has.
She doesn't know how fucked she is.
No, that's right.
No, she's really fucked.
She's fucked.
Okay, well, it's, um…
Um, it's been real, Dan.
Call me.
[chuckles]
[phone ringing]
[sighs]
Hey, Steve.
Where are you?
I'm here.
[Daniel] Steve told me everything.
[stammers] What everything?
No, there-there-there is no everything--
I've taken your side
through all of this, Alice.
I've listened to your whining for weeks.
-Poor me. I'm sad, how could he?
-Why are you being so mean?
Because I always presumed
you were honest with me.
I am… I am honest.
[chuckles] No, you're not.
Steve told me about the time my mum was
in town and she got sick.
And you said you couldn't make it
to the hospital
because your conference had run over.
But it wasn't your conference,
was it, Alice?
It was because you and Steve
had done edibles in Sevenoaks
and were too paranoid to go outside.
Well, I didn't know
she was gonna get sick--
And that it was actually you
and not Dom who broke my flute.
And that the 2,000 pounds you said
you'd given to Pakistani flood relief,
you actually spent on Botox and filler.
It was my money. And… [stammers]
I didn't get filler.
Those are normal lies.
There are no normal lies, Alice!
I don't lie to you.
How am I supposed to love you
if I don't even know who you are?
What do you mean
how are you supposed to love me?
I think we should spend some time apart.
What?
Where will you go?
I won't go anywhere, Alice.
You will.
And on that happy note, have a good week.
And if you have any problems
with the essays,
figure it out yourselves.
[Janis] Thought you'd be more upset?
Sorry?
I thought you'd be more upset
when we broke up.
Most people are upset
when I break up with them.
I broke up with you
because I thought you were too needy,
but it turns out
you didn't need me at all.
I'm impressed, tiger.
Right, well,
sorry to disappoint you, Janis.
Turns out I am totally fine on my own.
I always knew you were a tiger.
I miss you. Mmm?
I want us to go back out
and I think you want it too.
[scoffs] Wow.
So now that I don't need you,
-you want to go back out with me again?
-Yes.
No way. I don't want or need anyone.
[resident] My father was
from Bury St Edmunds.
Have you ever been to Bury St Edmunds?
No.
Oh.
What a shame.
Mm-mmm.
[snoring]
[Alice] Okay, so you're not picking up.
I'm just calling to say that you shouldn't
have spoken to Daniel, Steve.
You need to remember who started this.
You did.
You slept with my daughter, remember?
And now you've really crossed the line.
You're going down.
Goodbye.
[doorbell rings]
[Alice] Hi, Nancy!
What's wrong with him?
Nothing.
I-I just…
I wanted to, uh, just come by and say--
Why are you here, Alice? I've not seen you
since Steve and I got divorced.
[scoffs] Um…
[sighs]
Sorry, Nancy. Now… Now is not a good time.
Well, I've come to take Crosby
'cause Alice told me what you did.
Wh-What are you talking about?
She told me that the dog ate cocaine.
And I've been speaking to a lawyer,
and they'll never let you keep him.
It was Alice's cocaine--
It doesn't matter
whose cocaine it was, Steve!
The point is, you were looking after him
and he nearly died.
[whispering] Please don't.
[normal voice] Please don't take Crosby.
Crosby's all I have left.
Please don't do this, Nancy.
Well, you can keep him today.
But I'll be back tomorrow. And after that,
you'll never see him again. Ever.
Bye!
[phone chimes]
Oh, fuck you, asshole!
[stammers] Fuck you!
Look.
Not you.
No, I can't see without my glasses.
[phone chimes]
[humming]
-[whispering] Alice! Alice!
-Oh.
Um… She's looking for you.
She seems really upset about something.
-[sighs]
-[Alex] Alice.
May I have a word?
Can you explain this?
[clears throat]
Wasabay.
[mumbles]
Mugabe.
Mugabe. Mugabe.
Mugabe. Mugabe. Mugabe.
[chuckles]
[chokes]
I-I know who sent that to you.
He has a vendetta against me.
I-I never do drugs, anymore. None.
I'm basically teetotal--
I'm not talking about the drugs, Alice.
I'm talking about the fact
that this is racist.
Sorry?
You're saying the name, "Mugabe".
It's an African name.
You're mocking an African name.
Oh, no. No, no, no. No, I'm s…
No, I'm saying, um…
You know words that… [chuckles]
…just sounded funny.
Not that the name is funny.
I-I-I would never.
I'm obviously just… I'm very high.
You think that helps your case?
I'm afraid with this and with your recent
outbursts about girls and their hoo-has,
it's put us in a very difficult position.
I will love you forever, Crosby.
You've taught me everything that I know
about love.
I'm sorry I let you down.
[Nancy] You know they don't speak English,
don't you?
-[sniffles, groans]
-[Crosby whining]
-Look after him for me.
-Yeah.
No more cocaine for you,
Crosby. [chuckles]
-[sniffles]
-[engine starts]
[sighs]
[sniffles] Uh… Shall we talk about it?
What?
Me and your mother.
Um…
No, we don't need to.
Marriage is complicated.
-Um…
-[doorbell rings]
-[stammers]
-[knocking on door]
[Steve] Izzy!
I'm sorry.
I made a huge mistake.
And I regretted it, as soon as I said it.
You are the best thing
to ever happen to me.
I will do whatever it takes…
-I think we should--
-No, no, don't, Dom.
-[Steve] I'm sorry.
-Dom.
[Dom] I'm-- I'm going to.
[Steve] Please forgive me.
She's at Zuli's.
Oh.
Thanks, man.
Okay, I'm rehydrated.
Shall we go again?
What did you miss about me?
You want compliments?
Okay.
I missed
your dancing in the mornings.
[Izzy] Mm-hmm.
I missed arguing with you about
whether people should keep dogs,
even though people should
definitely not keep dogs
because it's servitude imprisonment.
I missed your al dente T-shirt.
-Mmm.
-I missed your armpit.
[Izzy chuckles]
I missed your neck.
I thought you said
you were done with all men
and that you found them
to be meaningless sacks of cum.
I do.
So, why are you having sex with Janis?
Because I am a free agent.
I can do what I want with my body.
It's empowering.
Okay.
Okay. You're not just going
from one man to the other?
From Janis to Steve and back to Janis?
[clicks tongue] No.
I am the master of my destiny.
[chuckles] Is that what we're calling it?
-[Izzy chuckles]
-[knocks on door]
Hey. Um… Is Izzy here?
-[Zuli] Um…
-I heard she was here.
Uh…
Is… Is she?
Um…
[smacks lips] One sec.
Are you here?
Yeah, okay.
She's not here.
Okay. Well,
can you tell her, um… that I'm sorry
and that I made a stupid decision
because I was afraid.
Um… It's like she said, I was a coward.
She called me a coward. You don't need
to know the whole backstory but…
-Hmm.
-[Steve] And, um…
Can you tell her that if…
if she gives me another chance,
I won't make the same mistake again.
God, there's a lot. Shall I write it down?
Just tell her… tell her… [sighs]
…tell her that I love her.
I love her.
Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
Oh, and, uh…
give her that.
Thank you, Steve.
It's hers. She left it at my house,
it's not a gift.
Oh.
-[Zuli] Yeah.
-Thank you, Julie.
-I'm Zuli.
-Zuli.
[sighs]
No husband and no job.
Well, I suppose the bright side is
at least you get your Freedom Pass soon.
Ten years isn't soon.
-Seven years.
-And I have a husband.
Yeah, but for how long?
I wouldn't let him get too used
to being on his own if I were you.
He might grow to like it.
And it's not like people are queuing up
to go out with 50-year-olds, are they?
No.
You-You're an older, unemployed woman,
hurtling towards old age.
I mean, at this point you've got to think,
what's in it for him?
If you don't get him back fast,
he might go elsewhere.
-Come on, we'll cheer you up.
-Sorry.
Let's play a game.
-Okay. So…
-Yeah.
…if you had to have sex
with someone at this bar, who would it be?
And not me obviously.
But seriously, if your life depended on
having sex with someone at this bar,
who would it be?
Uh… Why does my life depend on it?
It's Armageddon.
If you don't have sex
with one of these people,
the, um… whole planet will die,
and you'll be responsible
for eight billion deaths.
Don't want that. [chuckles]
Um…
It'd be the lady with the red hair.
Okay.
Why her?
Because she looks bossy,
and I wouldn't have to think too much.
You, um… You should try taking control
for once.
I think that, um…
there's a chance you might like it.
I have an idea.
Come on.
Where are we going?
No, I can't do it.
Why not? I'm not gonna judge you.
It's just words, Dan.
What is it that
makes you so uncomfortable?
Sex is sex. It's like…
It's like tennis, you're just naked.
And wanting things doesn't make you
a bad person.
Tell me, what's your fantasy?
I want to help you open up.
[sighs]
[Daniel] I can't. I…
All right.
Okay, I'll go.
Okay. [chuckles] Um…
So,
it's a warm summer's day,
and I'm on Wembley football pitch.
I've been tied onto the goalposts
just in front of the net.
I'm sort of floating.
It feels like my legs are being held like…
like wide apart.
Pickford's holding me up from behind,
and the rest of them are lined up,
each waiting for their turn.
First up
is little Phil Foden.
Little dirty scrapper.
Grabs his hands into my buttocks
and then plunges his surprisingly wide c…
…behind him I can see Maguire smirking…
…and Stones gets this look in his eye,
like he's…
[adult contemporary music playing]
[gasps]
Oh, uh, w…
He's got a way about him ♪
-[chuckles]
-Uh…
I don't know what it is ♪
But I know
That I can't live without him ♪
-Alice---
-No, let me.
He's got a way of pleasing ♪
[sniffles]
I don't know what it is ♪
But there doesn't have to be a reason ♪
-Alice, please stop--
-Anyway ♪
[chuckles]
He's got a smile that heals me ♪
I don't know why it is ♪
But I have to laugh when he reveals me ♪
He's got a way of showing ♪
-Hi.
-[gasps]
Who the f-f-fuck are you?
-I should probably go.
-Sorry, who is that?
-A friend.
-You don't have any friends.
-Why is she here?
-[Daniel] I invited her.
-Well, I'll see you at work.
-All right.
-Nice to meet you, Alice.
-Yep.
[music stops]
Are you sleeping with her?
No.
Do you want to sleep with her?
No.
Do you not love me anymore?
I don't think I love you enough.
Ooh.
[clears throat]
I-I don't think you love me enough either.
[breathes shakily]
I do.
[chuckles]
I should be your priority.
-You are.
-No, I'm not.
You're your priority.
And you should be yours.
I'm not responsible for your life, Daniel.
You are.
I-If you're not happy, then fix it.
Make yourself happy.
But I-I-I have never not loved you.
And I… I just… I love myself
a tiny bit more, and that's normal.
I don't believe it when people say they'd
take a bullet for you. It's bullshit.
You… [stammers] Survival's in our bones.
Steve shouldn't be a priority.
He-He was one of my priorities.
You and me,
we can't be everything to each other.
Why not?
You can't be totally nourished
by one person.
It-It-It doesn't work that way.
What can't you get from me?
You're not joyful, Daniel.
And sometimes I need joy.
Maybe that's the problem.
I-I get my joy from you.
[stutters] Well,
that's because I'm joyful.
[chuckles]
But I'm not necessarily, um, kind.
We all have our different skills.
I'm not sure I'm happy.
Oh. Uh, okay.
I didn't… I didn't know that.
Maybe we should talk about this
another time when I'm not so drunk.
You got drunk without me?
-Goodnight, Alice.
-Goodnight.
[sobbing]
[scoffs]
[grunts]
[grunts]
[Alice] Fuck off!
[phone ringing]
Hello.
Yeah, that's me.
I only came in 'cause I was constipated.
Should I be worried? [chuckles]
Hi.
Hi.
You broke up with me.
Yeah. 'Cause I'm an idiot.
I'm really sorry.
What are you sorry for?
-I'm sorry for being weak.
-Mmm.
I'm sorry for not listening to my heart.
Anything else?
For going on about hummus?
For prioritising my mum over us.
Yeah.
For that.
Are you ever gonna do that again?
No. Never.
I've never liked anyone
the way I like you.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry too.
You have nothing to apologise for.
I've got cancer.
What?
I had a blood test,
and they want me to come in.
So, uh, might not be cancer.
What? It could literally be anything?
[stutters] Yeah, but I'm dramatic.
When do… When do they want you to go in?
Now.
Okay. So, um…
because these are test results,
I just wanted to ask if you want
to receive these results in private?
Uh, no, no. I want him to be here.
Okay. And, um, are you Izzy's father?
-Oh. Uh, no, no, no. No.
-No. No. He's my boyfriend.
Okay. Great. Right.
Okay, then. Um… Well, um…
Blood results all came back good.
Um, but we did find
a fairly sizable hormone differential.
So we tested again,
and it turns out that you are pregnant.
Sorry?
You're pregnant.
["Oh Shit" playing]
-Oh, shit ♪
-Oh, shit ♪
Oh, shit ♪
Oh, shit ♪
-No ♪
-Oh, shit ♪
Oh, shit ♪
Oh, shit ♪
-Oh, shit ♪
-Oh, shit ♪
Oh, shit ♪
-Oh, shit ♪
-Shit ♪
-Oh, shit ♪
-Oh, shit ♪
Oh, shit ♪
Oh, little Sally Walker
Sittin' in a saucer ♪
Oh, how I tossed that ass up ♪
Like a mission in the woods
Woody Woodpecker would if he could ♪
But I didn't want to pass it up ♪
To the next man
Had my Walkman bumpin' on ♪