Archie (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
This is so not how
I expected you to be.
What on earth are you wearing?
Audrey Hepburn,
she's older than me!
It's my screen persona, silly child.
Just leave it.
So it's OK to have a silly child
like me in real life,
but in la-la land
it makes you look ridiculous!
When did you get to be so insolent?
When did you get to be so insolent?
When did you get to be such
a jerk!
Everything is a confrontation
with you.
I'm done.
- She left me.
- The cheek of it!
Why don't you come over here
and live with me?
DYAN: I want a husband and children.
But life doesn't make any sense
without you.
SHE LAUGHS
- No!
- What are you saying?
- Yes.
- Yes?
Tell him he's making
the biggest mistake of his life!
- I have something for you.
- OK.
You're gonna be a father.
You asked her to marry you? Why?
Because I love her.
I don't want to lose her.
- A very different thing.
- Yeah.
So, let's get into that today.
What is it that's worrying you?
Well, that I'm not supposed
to be her husband
Well, that I'm not supposed
to be her husband
and I'll be a terrible father.
Is that it?
That I'm making
a terrible mistake.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: 'Could you take
your glasses off, please, Cary?'
I just wanna see
what you look like.
There. Anything else
you'd like me to take off?
LAUGHTER
Why d'you marry Dyan Cannon?
Why d'you marry Dyan Cannon?
Yeah. Why did you marry Dyan Cannon?
MAN: 'Do you love her?'
'I'm over here, Cary!'
Well, who wouldn't
want to marry Dyan Cannon?
MAN: She was
so much younger than you?
MAN: She was
so much younger than you?
I'd just like to state
for the record that,
with all my wives,
I only married for one reason.
Because I love her, Mother.
Oh, don't be so ridiculous!
She's a hustler!
She just wants to use you
as a leg up for her career.
Is that all you have to say?
Honestly?
No, no congratulations,
no good luck?
No, no congratulations,
no good luck?
'Do you wish me well at all?'
Well, it's because of you
that I'm saying this!
Why did you ring me today?
Because you obviously
wanted my approval.
Well, I'm sorry,
I can't give you that.
'All I can give you
is the truth.'
Well, thank you so much.
Any more pearls of wisdom
to drop on me?
'You were gonna come
and live with me, Archie!
'Why are you going off
with her, Archie?'
Mum
You know she'll make you
unhappy, you know that.
I can make you happy. You know
I've waited all these years.
I can smell a rat.
Why are you so easily duped?
I can smell a rat.
Why are you so easily duped?
'And don't tell me you love her!
You'
Well, I have to go to work now,
so you keep well, Mother.
OK?
- 'And she doesn't love you'
- Bye-bye.
I think I might have done it
..to spite my mother.
MENDELSSOHN'S
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
MENDELSSOHN'S
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
Will you love him
and honour him?
Will you cherish him
and obey him?
I will.
This marriage ring
seals the vows of marriage
and represents eternal
and everlasting love.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
I loved Dyan Cannon
..as best I knew how.
We've been over this, darling.
A natural birth's best
for the baby and you.
SHE MOANS
I know I know you're in pain.
- You're full of shit, Cary!
- Absolutely.
Don't give her any drugs,
whatever she asks for, OK?
- Give me drugs! Give me LSD!
- Keep pushing.
- Keep pushing, honey.
- Give me anything!
SHE GROANS
Come on!
DYAN EXHALES
Just push one last time!
DYAN GROANS
Just push one last time!
DYAN GROANS
There it is!
SHE SCREAMS
MIDWIFE: I can see the head!
That's it. Keep pushing.
DYAN SCREAMS
Beautiful.
BABY CRIES
OK, OK Shh!
Boys, very quickly.
My daughter, Jennifer
Her name.
My daughter, Jennifer
Her name.
..is the most beautiful
baby in the world.
And, uh, she is by far
my best production.
All right, thank you
for your interest
and please go back to your
own families.
- Mr Grant! Mr Grant!
- That's all, boys!
Shh, shh, shh!
It's just you and me now, hey?
Just you and me.
This is the moment I've been
waiting for my whole life.
Thank you.
- There we go!
- Thank you.
- Jennifer, meet Mae.
- Look at her!
She's perfect!
She's all right.
Oh, wow!
Oh, wow!
Hi!
It's pretty astounding,
isn't it, love?
We've had cards and flowers, and
telegrams from all over the world.
"Many congratulations from
Robert and Ethel Kennedy."
How about that?
People have been so kind.
"Clever old you,
from Hitch and Alma."
I had a little
something to do with it.
You had a lot to do with it.
Didn't she?
Mummy was amazing!
This is our lovely house.
I need energy.
I need chocolate.
I need cookies!
Oh, no, no, no!
None of that nonsense any more!
Oh, no, no, no!
None of that nonsense any more!
Mummy needs vegetables,
doesn't she?
Mummy needs proteins
and vitamins.
Mae, can you knock her up
a chicken salad, please?
- Right away!
- Oh, hey!
I haven't seen Bangs yet.
Hey, Bangs!
- Sunshine out the window.
- Meet your new playmate!
There's a swimming pool
out there, yes.
Mae, where's Bangs?
Cary, where's my dog?
I found her a new home.
It turns out in addition
to the hygiene issues,
animals can experience extreme
jealousy around newborns.
Cary, where's my dog? Wherever
she is, go and get her back.
- I won't be doing that.
- Cary, go
Cary, go and get her back.
She's never hurt anyone!
They can have profound
personality changes.
You never know.
Oh, my God, what have you done?
Let's not do this,
not today of all days, eh?
Let's start how we mean to go on.
Parents shouldn't argue
in front of their children.
BABY CRIES
Look, you've upset her!
BABY CRIES
Look, you've upset her!
Cary, you've got rid of my dog
without asking me.
I'm doing what's best
for Jennifer, darling.
Don't "darling" me, because
anybody who ever cared about me
could never do that to me!
Cary, you
SHE INHALES SHARPLY
You had no right!
I hate you!
Oh
Oh, babe.
Ah-ha! Hello, Mother! Ha-ha!
Or should I say, Grandmother!
Say hello to your granddaughter.
- Hey.
- Hi, Elsie.
Would you like to hold her?
Come on, don't be shy!
Here we go.
BABY BABBLES
There we are.
Her name's Jennifer.
Has she got a middle name?
No, we haven't given her one.
She'll choose one
when she's older.
Maybe she'll choose
her mum's name.
Betsy, that'll be lovely for you.
I hope you're as good a dad
as your father was to you, Archie.
Elias was a wonderful man.
He was devoted to the boys and me.
We had a very happy family.
I'm glad you have
so many happy memories.
I do.
Don't you let her out of your sight,
not for one minute.
Don't you let her out of your sight,
not for one minute.
You take her back.
Is everything OK?
I just don't want
to get too attached.
Very good. You're a good girl.
HE HUMS HAPPILY
- Sorry, sorry, sorry!
- That's OK.
We've been having
a rich old time, haven't we?
Who was the cable from?
Who was the cable from?
- United Artists.
- Mm-hm.
I managed to get
through to David Swift.
He's offering me the lead role
in How To Succeed In Business.
Cary, he said I wasn't just his,
but everybody's first choice
for the part.
And he said I own this role!
What are you thinking?
I think you're not
thinking straight.
How can a mother even
contemplate being away
for weeks or months on a movie set
when there's a baby girl
depending on her?
Cary, we have a lot of friends
that balance children
and their careers
very successfully.
Yeah, what other people do
doesn't concern me.
You want me to tell them
I can't take the role?
You wanted to be married,
have a family.
Well, now you have those things.
I
I can do both. You do it.
Don't be ridiculous!
We have something special here,
dear child.
We have something special here,
dear child.
Let's not mess it up.
Anybody know the movie?
AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Father Goose!
- Thank you.
You must be the two
who bought a ticket.
Yes.
Father Goose, the first film
I did after Jennifer was born.
I grew whiskers,
I played a drunken bum.
I had a great time. Good stuff.
But I was away for three months
with a newborn baby.
Shouldn't have gone.
Bad timing.
Hi. I missed you.
BABY CRIES
Oh, dear.
I'll go.
CRYING CONTINUES
Daddy's here, Daddy's
Oh, my God, look at the size
of you, you're enormous!
I love you so much.
There you go.
I've got you. That's better.
There you go. Daddy loves you.
Shall we do this later?
You have Stanley coming over.
Shall we do this later?
You have Stanley coming over.
Yeah, but I've got
a few minutes.
It's been a long time
since we've done it.
It's good to get back into
old habits, don't you think?
Wait, my cuttings. And I just
need to get a glass of water.
Oh, Dyan? Make sure you tighten
the faucet properly, darling,
so it doesn't drip.
So, what's caught your eye
in this week's news?
Just a minute!
There was one I thought
that we could talk about.
Where is it?
- Here it is.
- I'm listening.
About Vietnam.
About Vietnam.
"Eisenhower supports Nixon's
criticisms of President Johnson."
Yes, sounds
very interesting. Go on.
They criticise him
for his hesitation,
indecision and
and his timidity.
And what do you think?
Well, they're wrong.
Why?
Well, we already have
too many soldiers over there
and Nixon wants
to increase the draft.
The public won't stand for it.
Well, I completely disagree.
Now is the time to be decisive.
Well, I completely disagree.
Now is the time to be decisive.
If we can overwhelm
the North Vietnamese forces,
we can have all the boys
home for Christmas.
I always seem to get it wrong,
don't I?
No, darling,
there is no right or wrong.
It's a discussion.
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh, there's Stanley.
You're doing great.
It's fun, isn't it?
We'll carry on later.
TV BLARES
Oh, there you are.
I was looking
Oh, there you are.
I was looking
Are you eating one
of my Picnic bars?
For fuck's sake, Dyan!
TELEPHONE RECEIVER CLANGS
I had them specially sent
from England.
They are incredibly hard
to get hold of.
Sorry.
DOOR SLAMS
SHE KNOCKS
Come in.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Mae.
- No problem.
TV BLARES
SHE SIGHS
Oh, I'm
I haven't finished yet.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
OK. "Thank you so much
"for the lovely cardigan for
Jennifer," comma,
"made all the more special because
you knitted it yourself," full stop.
"made all the more special because
you knitted it yourself," full stop.
"Its my favourite colour
"and it looks gorgeous on her," full
stop, new line.
"Sending best wishes," comma,
"Dyan," comma,
"Cary and Jennifer," full stop.
Much better.
It's my favourite colour.
Missing an apostrophe.
And "gorgeous" is
a strange adjective for an
object, it's slightly bland.
Ah, hello, ladies!
I'm home
from the coalface. Dyan?
Dyan?
Mae?
Mae?
Where's Dyan and Jennifer?
I'm sorry, Mr Grant.
Sorry about what?
I haven't slept more than an hour.
Haven't eaten in two days.
I'll go and see her.
I'll get her
to agree to meet you.
It's gone, Stanley.
My whole life has gone.
My whole life has gone.
My whole
fucking life just
..just gone.
Destroyed it all.
Like I always do.
Hi, Mr Grant.
- Nice to see you.
- I'll show you in.
Thank you.
CARY CLEARS
HIS THROA
Thank you very much.
Hi.
- How are you? How's Jennifer?
- She's fine.
I have to see her, Dyan.
I I need to see her.
You can come over tomorrow.
I'll go for a walk.
What, you can't be there too?
God, you look beautiful.
Really.
Motherhood suits you.
Motherhood suits you.
Thank you.
Cary, you're always saying
that I need to change and
Well, we all do.
I mean, be open to change.
You say that a lot
and I have tried to change a lot.
But what about you?
Do you think you need to change?
Well, I
Yes, I do. I think I
- I think I am. I think I have.
- How?
For years I
I wore a mask of my own making,
and now, with you and Jennifer,
I feel like I
I can Well, we we can
breathe together and we can!
I never had any trouble breathing
before I met you, Cary.
I guess I asked for that.
Not now.
Look, I was thinking
that maybe it's
..you know, high time we made
a movie together, don't you think?
I have a perfect script for us.
It's called The Old Man And Me.
I have a perfect script for us.
It's called The Old Man And Me.
A young American woman comes to
London to conquer the arts scene.
I don't need a role
in one of your movies, Cary.
I don't have another divorce
in me, Dyan.
Please.
We could just start over, you know?
I just want my family
back together again.
Do you love me?
- Don't be silly.
- Stop, just
Cary, right here, right now
Cary, right here, right now
do you love me?
Me, just as I am right now?
Thank you
for being honest with me.
We're delighted to have you here,
Cary, truly we are.
We're delighted to have you here,
Cary, truly we are.
Well, it's very nice of you, but
I'm sure the last thing you need
is a miserable big cuckoo
descended on your happy home.
Stanley told me
he didn't like the idea
of you being on your own
right now
and I completely agree with him.
You're welcome
to stay as long as you want.
Thank you both very much. I'll
I'll try and stay out of your way
as much as I can.
I haven't seen Jennifer
for two weeks now.
- It's driving me crazy.
- What's Dyan saying?
- It's driving me crazy.
- What's Dyan saying?
Nothing. I call her every day,
multiple times.
She won't even
pick up the telephone.
Not seeing my daughter's
like having a leg removed.
I don't see why she'd be used
as a weapon against me.
And don't fold the collar
in half, it's shaped.
RINGING TONE
Hello, is Dyan there, please?
WOMAN: 'Not right now.'
SHE HANGS UP
SHE HANGS UP
Hello?
LINE BEEPS
Yes, can I speak to Dyan,
please?
PERSON HANGS UP
NO CONNECTION TONE
Have you finished?
If you're not going to eat it,
I will.
Waste not want not, remember?
No, well, she
I understand.
Yeah. Dyan.
PERSON HANGS UP
Because she's my wife!
Stickiness in the air,
don't you think?
CARY: Damn!
Is that?
What's it like having
a movie star for a house guest?
Well, it's
- Mary, I
- Oh, oh, Cary!
This is my friend,
Lucy Cartwright.
Pleased to make your acquaintance,
Lucy Cartwright.
How do you do?
I was in your pantry
and you've got seven jars of mustard
in various stages of usage.
Oh, thank you, Cary.
I'll get on to that this afternoon.
I've consolidated them
into one and washed the others.
Don't throw them away,
they're useful.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'll get to start
on the ketchups.
Thank you.
That's what it's like.
'Can you see 'em, Jed?
I've lost my glasses.'
'Can you see 'em, Jed?
I've lost my glasses.'
THEY CHUCKLE
TELEPHONE RINGS
Fox residence.
Cary, it's for you.
WHISPERS: It's Dyan.
Yes?
Yes. No, no, no, I was
We were just
OK.
OK, yeah. No, that's fine.
Well
Well, certainly I can.
Well
Yes.
Well
Yes.
Well, no. Thank you.
Well, looks like
I'm going home for the weekend.
I can have Jennifer by myself.
Oh, thank God!
I mean, thank God
you can have Jennifer.
I'm so pleased for you.
- Hi.
- Hi.
She's asleep.
She's asleep.
I'll take her.
Great.
- Here.
Want to come in for a bit?
No. I assume
Mae's here to help?
No, no. It's just
it's just us two for the weekend.
Uh, well, I'm only a phone call away
if you need me.
And I'll be here
to get her on Sunday night.
OK.
Thanks.
If you don't eat, you won't
grown up to be a big girl!
Don't cry.
BABY CRIES
It's just food, darling.
It's just
BABY CRIES
Oh, I know!
Who's that?
CRYING CONTINUES
Quack-quack here.
Quack-quack there.
BABY CRIES
Oh, that's very loud, darling.
Don't like that.
CRYING CONTINUES
Oh, hold on. Wait, wait, wait.
HE SNIFFS
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, what's that?
The answer to all our problems.
I know, my darling.
BABY CRIES
Here we go.
All right, all hands on deck,
I'm going in!
HE SINGS LULLABY QUIETLY
I used a different brand
of diaper on her.
I used a different brand
of diaper on her.
Much better for her skin.
I can send you some if you like?
I have diapers.
I'll see you in two weeks.
I missed you.
Cary, erm
So you heard it from me, I'll be
filing divorce papers this week.
- Mr Grant? Mr Fox is here.
- Thank you, Mae.
- Cary.
- Stanley.
Shouldn't you be getting
showered and dressed?
I I'm, I'm not sure
I'm gonna come.
I I'm, I'm not sure
I'm gonna come.
What?
I'm not attending
the proceedings.
Cary, you need to be there,
you need to defend yourself.
This isn't like the other ones.
- She's going in hard.
- How hard?
That you were very controlling.
Her career,
her clothes, her make-up.
What she ate, baby milk.
The dog.
The dog.
You got rid of her dog.
Dog!
Anything else?
She's going to bring up the LSD.
That I took it
during therapy or?
No.
That you made her take it.
I honestly believed
it would help,
help us to stay together.
- Fucking mess!
- Well, that's divorce.
- Fucking mess!
- Well, that's divorce.
It's always messy.
When we married,
Mary told me there will be
no divorce in this house.
There may be a hunting accident
in the kitchen, but no divorce.
No. No. I'm not coming.
I think you should reconsider.
No. Thank you, Stanley, but no.
I I I think
it's best if this thing
blows over
as quickly as possible.
I don't want Jennifer reading some
"she said, he said" version
in a few years.
I can't.
You go.
I'm staying here.
I read about the settlement
in the newspapers.
That's another one
on the payroll.
How many ex-wives
are you bankrolling?
Too many. I can afford it.
Thank you, Mother.
You're weak,
just like your father.
I thought he was a wonderful
husband, perfect family man.
I know exactly what he was.
And what he did.
I'm not stupid. I know
I know Eric isn't your cousin,
I know he's your half-brother.
No doubt his slut of a mother
is still out there somewhere.
I just thank God
I've no idea who she is.
I just thank God
I've no idea who she is.
I assume Elias
finally told you where I was?
I didn't know!
I mean, I had no idea.
You have to believe me.
I thought you
He told me you were dead.
I might as well have been.
I don't want you to come
any more, Archie.
- It's too upsetting.
- No! No, no, Mum, please.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
I'm sorry for all of it,
for everything.
I waited all
those years for you,
and then when you did come,
you didn't want me.
I missed you so much.
Every day I
I thought about you every day.
And, eventually, I
I built something for myself.
You know, a a new life.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And there was no place
for me in it.
I'm sorry.
MAE: What a good girl!
She's such a good girl.
She's missed you.
Hi! Hey!
- Hello, my darling.
- Who's that? Who's that?
- Hello, my darling.
- Who's that? Who's that?
Hi, hi.
We heard you on the radio
the other day.
She got so excited
hearing your voice.
Listen, Cary, I've been offered
the lead in a play on Broadway.
On Broadway?
So, I'll have to be in New York
for a couple of months
and I was
gonna hire a nanny, but then
I thought that Jennifer
would much rather be with you.
Obviously, I'm gonna
miss her so much, but
if you want to have her, then
if you want to have her, then
Maybe it's a stupid idea,
you're probably busy, but I
Yes. Yes!
You don't have a movie
coming up or something?
There's something,
but, no, it doesn't matter.
I don't want the studio getting mad
at me because you pulled out.
The studio can go take a hike.
You, you go to New York.
You can pursue your career.
I'm very happy to be
a stay-at-home dad.
Well, I know how much Jennifer
would like it.
And I want her for two weeks
in the middle of the run
and I'll be back and forth
the whole time.
Fine. Of course.
Thank you, Dyan. Thank you.
Thank you, Dyan. Thank you.
OK? You want to go see Daddy?
Thank you. I know, my angel.
SHE CRIES
Shall we say goodbye to Mummy?
Yeah, let's say, "Bye, Mum!"
Bye, Mum.
OK.
You enjoy New York.
We're gonna have a great time.
You're at the peak
of your career.
You have so much to give!
CARY SHUSHES JENNIFER
There are so many awards
to be won.
So much more creative
satisfaction to be had.
So much more creative
satisfaction to be had.
So much more money to be made.
Stanley, there's no amount of money
in the world
that could compensate for this.
Hitch has been on the phone.
Billy Wilder.
God! They all want
to make movies with you.
Do you mind?
Ah!
No. Thank you.
I've made my decision,
I'm not going back.
I got lots of offers to come out
of retirement, I still do.
I got lots of offers to come out
of retirement, I still do.
But me getting out
of the business coincided
with my ex-wife becoming
something of a hot property.
Which meant I got to spend
more time with Jennifer.
Are you ready? Tilt your head back.
Tilt your head back slightly.
And go!
Where'd it go?
Have you swallowed it?
Who is that?
Sara.
Oh, Sara! Oh, well
PUTS ON COMEDY VOICE: Hello, Sara,
my name is Hermione and, uh
and my favourite thing
in the world to do
is to drink Darjeeling tea
out of bone China cups.
is to drink Darjeeling tea
out of bone China cups.
Would you care to join me?
HIGH-PITCHED:
Yes, I would care to!
SHE BURPS
Oh, excuse me, your ladyship!
I'm terribly sorry.
HE BURPS
Do you mind?
Honestly!
The place is falling apart.
SHE CHUCKLES
I've been called many things
in my life. Skinflint.
WOMAN: I don't think
you're a skinflint, Cary!
WOMAN: I don't think
you're a skinflint, Cary!
No, no, no, I quite like
being called a skinflint.
I'm careful with my money.
I've also been accused
of being gay.
I have to tell you,
I don't consider either of those
an insult of any kind.
What was difficult to get used to
was not being called
an actor any more.
After 50 years,
it was kind of strange.
Well, I didn't stop working.
I had a new mouth to feed,
after all.
I did some business.
A friend of mind offered me
a directorship of a company
that dealt with perfumes
and cosmetics.
And that is why, a few years ago,
I found myself in London.
LIFT DINGS
This just isn't good enough,
Miss Harris.
There's no car booked
for Bristol tonight.
It's not on the itinerary
and I have to go
and see my mother.
She's elderly
and it's very important to me.
OK. Well, how about this?
Tomorrow, I have to drive down
to see my family in Bath
Tomorrow, I have to drive down
to see my family in Bath
and I would be happy,
as I am doing the PR,
to personally drop you off
in Bristol on the way
and bring you back here
two days later.
How about that,
door-to-door service?
I went to market today
and I bought a Ferrari,
a cucumber, a Zeppelin,
a powdered wig,
a pair of smelly socks,
a piece of
- Um
- Uh, no, no, no!
No, no, no, no,
I know what it is!
It's, uh, it's world peace!
It's world peace,
a flagon of rum,
It's world peace,
a flagon of rum,
a flame thrower,
a ventriloquist, gold watch
- No, no!
- It is a gold watch!
A ventriloquist's dummy!
- Oh balls!
- I win again.
There's some kind of cheating
going on somewhere here.
Just accept I have
the better memory!
- Absolutely not! Nil-nil.
- Fine, one more time.
Are you hungry?
Yes, I am, actually.
Fancy some fish and chips?
KNOCK ON DOOR
CARY: Mother? Hello?
CARY: Mother? Hello?
Oh, there you are.
Hello.
Elias? Is that you?
No, dear.
Elias, come and sit with me!
I've missed you so much.
Oh, you've no need to go to her
any more, I can change.
Oh, you've no need to go to her
any more, I can change.
I can give you everything
you need here at home
with our beautiful boys.
Oh
Can you hold me, Elias?
Oh, put your arms around me.
You are my only one.
I should never
have let you out of my sight.
I'm right here.
I'm not going anywhere.
'Shortly before she died,
'my mother instructed me
to dye my hair black.'
When I asked her why, she said,
"Because you're
making me look old."
She was 95.
'She was a small, fierce woman
whose approval, whose love,
'I tried my entire life to win.'
And failed.
And failed.
'Did she love me?'
She loved Archie, I know that.
'Whether it was approval
or mostly disapproval,
'she had something to say
about everything I did.'
Sorry, this has turned into rather
an amateur therapy session.
Not my intention,
and I'm sorry, but
Not my intention,
and I'm sorry, but
let me tell you anyway,
the advice from Dr Cary,
accumulated after 82 rocky years,
is really simple.
Leave the past
in the past where it belongs.
If you're not careful
it becomes a trap,
one that is almost
impossible to escape from.
Almost.
Thank God.
BARBARA: So, the key to War And
Peace is that Tolstoy was mixing
a fictional narrative
with actual history and philosophy.
If you get stuck,
come and get me.
I'll put that in the essay.
Thanks, Barbara.
I can't wait to read it!
No playing records, please!
Homework first, young lady!
Yes? You hear me?
Thank you.
For what?
Oh, for
Oh, for
just making life so so easy.
You are doing a wonderful job
raising her. And Dyan too.
Yeah, we do our best,
I'll own that.
If it's not too swanky to say.
BARBARA: Mmm!
HE CHUCKLES
It's just bliss.
All of it.
All of it.
I was just thinking, I have so much
more energy than I've had in years.
I'm getting so much more sleep.
Neither of us
are party animals, are we?
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Not any more.
You know I love you, but I
but I could never marry you.
Who said I wanted you to?
It's just that, that's when
everything starts going wrong.
AUDIENCE: Marry her!
AUDIENCE: Marry her!
What? I can't!
I'm sorry!
Cary, yes, it would be nice
to be your wife
..but I'm perfectly happy
as we are. OK?
I am sorry.
'Over the years, I assiduously
gathered precious things.
'So frightened of losing them,
I kept them in a fireproof vault!
'And I was standing there,
amongst my treasure
'..when I realised the truth.
'I wanted to tell you that I've
fallen in love with Barbara.
'She makes me very happy.
'And I want to make her happy.'
You are the most important person
in the world to me.
And nothing's ever
gonna change that.
But I want to know
what you felt first.
So I'm
..I'm thinking of asking her
to marry me.
Is it that bad an idea?
No.
I'm crying because
I'm happy, Daddy.
I love Barbara and I think
you'll be wonderful for each other.
Thank you, sweetheart.
That means the world to me.
That means the world to me.
So I asked Barbara
to marry me and
to my delight and relief,
she said yes.
She's here tonight actually.
There with my beautiful
daughter. There.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
To this day, I spent
most of my life wondering
who I was supposed to be.
Was I Archie? Was I Cary?
Was I Archie? Was I Cary?
What was real?
What wasn't?
Well, I introduced them
to each other quite recently
and they got on like
a house on fire.
But the point is,
it doesn't matter.
You can call me
whatever you like now.
I know exactly who I am.
I'm Barbara Harris's husband.
And most of all,
I'm Jennifer Dyan Grant's dad.
I'm Jennifer Dyan Grant's dad.
I belong somewhere
and I always will.
Everything is copacetic.
Look it up in the dictionary.
HE CHUCKLES
And I wish you all
the same peace of mind.
I think I hear my exit music.
I think I hear my exit music.
Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE