Blott on the Landscape (1985) s01e04 Episode Script

What are we going to do? I've got to explain it to the Prime Minister.
Well, Minister, it is awfully difficult.
More difficult if the PM rings again.
Sir Francis is dead, and his majority was 45.
You and I are to be responsible for demolishing 75 council houses in his constituency.
In normal circumstances, it's a marginal seat.
In those, it's a lost one.
Have you approved the report of the inquiry, Minister? Oh.
Do I have to? I put it in your box before the weekend.
- Oh, well, I haven't had time to - Well, thank goodness.
Oh? Is that good? In this case, it is.
I've just had Dundridge on the phone.
He's urging a return to routing the motorway through Cleene Gorge.
All you have to do is accept his advice.
(PHONE RINGS) Mm? Oh, yes, Prime Minister.
Oh, no, really, it's no problem at all.
No, really, it's not as bad as all that, in view of my decision on the inquiry findings.
Oh, didn't you know? I've opted for the route through the Cleene Gorge.
It's intolerable.
It's quite intolerable.
My family estate to be eaten up by bulldozers.
Outrageously intolerable.
Of course, they have improved the compensation.
But it isn't the money.
It's the, er it's the principle of the thing.
It certainly is not the money.
The money goes to you.
You know, I can't help feeling, Giles, that you had something to do with this.
My dear, how could I? I did everything in my power to get the route put through Ottertown.
I've persuaded, cajoled.
I mean, how could I know Sir Francis would go and die like this? Or that your friend Mr Dundridge would change his mind.
I mean, why? Why did he do that? - That man was never much of a good person.
- My thoughts exactly, Blott.
No, no, no.
Nevertheless, it has all turned out awfully well for you, hasn't it, Giles? For both of us, my dear.
We'll find somewhere else nice to live.
We can afford it.
I don't want to live anywhere else! I want to keep Handyman Hall! - I want to have children here.
- You are right, my lady.
Don't interfere, Blott! - Morning, sir.
- Good morning, Mary.
Oh, listen.
If Lady Maud Lynchwood should ring or call, I'm not in.
I am never in to Lady Lynchwood.
Is Mr Hoskins in his office? - Yes, he's there.
- Ask him to step in and see me, please.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come.
- I say! You've been busy.
- Yes, Hoskins, we've got to move quickly.
You don't move quickly when you're building a motorway, Mr Dundridge.
It's a slow process.
We aren't simply building a motorway.
We're conducting a mission through hostile territory.
We must hit at key objectives, keep the initiative.
I realise there will be objections, but people are adaptable.
When it comes to There will be counter-attacks.
The essence of my plan is to make random sorties.
Random sorties? What on earth with? Bulldozers.
Bulldozers? Look, you can't have bulldozers roaming the countryside making random sorties.
- What are they going to randomly sort? - Vital areas, bridgeheads.
As I see it, the main area of resistance is going to be here.
Strategically, that is the vital area.
- Seize that, and we've won.
- You can't just seize Cleene Gorge.
Motorways proceed by careful stages.
Contractors work according to a schedule.
That is our weakness.
We must alter the schedule when the enemy least expects it.
But everything has to be done by legal process.
You can't go knocking down people's houses.
I said nothing about knocking people's houses down.
That is not the strategy.
I have a plan.
Why not just let things take their natural course? People will get used to the idea.
They always do.
That bitch won't let the motorway go through her Gothic dump.
She'll fight to the bitter end.
I intend to fight this project to the bitter end.
I have no intention of being driven out of my own home just because a lot of bureaucratic dunderheads in London take it into their thick skulls to ignore the recommendations of a proper inquiry.
Quite.
It's so unfair.
Especially after what Lord Leakham said about preserving the wildlife of the area.
What I don't understand is why they've changed their minds.
- I don't understand that, either.
- I talked to Whitehall.
It's all because of Puckerington's death.
The government knows if they put the route through Ottertown, they'll lose the by-election.
Of course, in mercenary terms, it's worked out rather well.
We'll get increased compensation.
- Really? - A lot? Well, they say they'll have to up it by 20%.
In your case, Lady Maud, that means something like L600,000.
Not to be sneezed at.
Colonel Chapman, the money does not go to me.
It goes to my husband.
- Where is Giles? - In London.
He says he's fighting our case.
Not much he can do now.
Such a pity Sir Francis died.
Who could have foreseen it? We ought to have, really.
We all knew he had a dicky heart.
- Who knew? - Did Giles never tell you? - He was always expecting a by-election there.
- Giles knew? Well, he was always so concerned about him.
He was at the hospital when he died.
Was he, Ivy? Was he really? Poor old Maud.
She seems quite broken up about this.
- It's quite knocked the spirit out of her.
- Never had our shoot here, did we? - I feel so terribly sorry for her.
- I feel terribly sorry for her, too.
Blott! Blott! Yes, lady? Do you trust Giles? Of course not, lady.
He's fixed all this.
I know he has.
He started this motorway business, and I'm going to break him with it.
How can we find out? - You look in the desk? - Yes.
Me, too.
- Nothing, eh? - No.
Nothing anywhere.
Only the safe.
I don't know how he did it, but I know that he did.
Can you open the safe? Only with combinations.
Do you have combinations? If I did, Blott, I wouldn't have to ask you.
- There's no other way? - No, lady.
- Then we'll blow it open.
- Blow it open? - What are those things with flames? Oxy - Acetylene torch? It don't work.
Well, pull it out of the wall and throw it off the roof, if you have to.
Get the safe open.
I know.
Ask him for the combinations.
Him? Him's the one I don't want to know.
But he knows if you blow it open.
We could always say it was burglars.
Yes, we could do this.
This is very difficult, you know.
- It makes much damage.
- Do whatever damage you like.
The house will come down if we don't do something.
We might as well do some damage.
Yes, I think so.
Well, if I can do damage, I fetch my sledging hammer.
You do that, Blott.
And in the meantime, I'm going to ring Whipsnade Zoo and Woburn Wildlife Park.
- Please? - I think it's time for some action.
Don't you? - Yes, lady.
And if you like to count on me.
- I do, Blott.
You know, you're awful, Mr Blott.
You never come and see me any more.
What happened to our understanding? Exactly.
I'm very busy at the moment.
Sir Giles is away always, so now I must do many helps for Lady Maud.
I've never been a jealous sort, Mr Blott, but I think you're too sentimental about her.
She won't respect you.
That sort never do.
Besides, she's always been very strait-laced.
Famous for it.
Really? I could tell you some things that would make your hair stand.
But I won't.
Stay tonight, Mr Blott.
I'm sorry, Mrs Wynn, but I go back to the lodge.
I have some equipments to prepare for the morning.
Equipments? Jolly good, Blott! Well done.
This is very good safe.
It don't open so easy.
- Why don't you hit it with your hammer? - It's too strong, like the armour of a tank.
How would you pierce the armour of a tank? Yes, exactly.
Yes, four should be enough.
Is that the same as a pride? Four lions.
Now, what have you got in giraffes? And do the lions eat the giraffes, or the other way round? Oh, well, I think two giraffes.
Now, I need something else fierce.
What about rhinos? Oh.
I'll take both of those.
Which ones do they eat? No, that's all.
Can you get them here in two weeks? Thank you very much.
Will Access do? Blott! Blott, where are you? Blott, what's happened? It's open.
- Is it safe? - The safe? Oh, yes, very safe.
- Wasn't much in it, was there? - Perhaps I'm a little rough.
Most is burned.
What on earth's this, Blott? This is a piece of lady who is naked.
A bosom, don't you see? Please, you shouldn't look.
I think perhaps we have found something after all.
Collect it all up very carefully, Blott.
(COUGHING) Bring it back to the house.
Now, here, a good piece of man.
There.
And here a very good bit of lady.
- I think probably there.
Don't you? - Yes.
- (BELL RINGS) - Recognise anybody? - Not really.
Is not Sir Giles? - No, it's not him.
Nothing like him.
You don't think the leg's a little bit like your motorway friend? Mr Dundridge? Mr Dundridge! - Is that how Giles? - A Mr Jackson from High Protection Fencing.
- What is that about? - Never you mind, Blott.
Show him in.
Thank you, Blott.
Mr Jackson, good of you to come.
Do sit down.
Thank you.
I want my estate guarded by the most secure fencing available.
It must be proof against any form of human or animal.
I see.
Can I ask why? I'm opening a wildlife park in two weeks' time.
And you want it thoroughly secured in two weeks.
Can't be done.
- No? - Not unless you're prepared to pay a fortune.
I am prepared to pay a fortune.
Well, it could cost you something in the region of, erm 25,000.
I mean, that's what we're talking about.
Let's call it 30 and have done with it.
With a bonus of an extra thousand for every day under two weeks, and a penalty of two thousand for every day over.
- You, er do know what you're doing, do you? - I know precisely what I'm doing.
Now, I want all materials brought in at night and work carried out under strict secrecy.
I want your men to work day and night, and I'll provide accommodation.
I've written one cheque for half the cost now, and another one for the other half, post-dated.
- Well, let me think.
- I'll give you one minute.
Otherwise I'll go elsewhere.
I want this work to start today.
- Very well, madam.
You're on.
- Good.
Let's shake on it.
- Blott! - Yes, lady? Show Mr Jackson out.
And give him all the help he needs.
Thank you, Lady Maud.
- Oh, and, Blott - Yes, lady? When Mr Jackson's gone, bring the car round.
- And do tidy up a bit, Blott.
- Yes, lady.
- You seem cheerful, Blott.
- Yes, lady.
Is nice day, and I really like, you know, to make those bangs.
Boom! Where did you learn to use weapons like that? Oh, it is one of my skills in my previous lives.
(LADYMAUD) You have had a military training, haven't you? (BLOTT) There is nothing so odd of this.
In England, you do not like to make any more the boys into soldiers.
Every other country, you must be conscript, you must train, you must become good soldier, and be prepared to fight for the fatherland or the motherland or any other land.
- Where do you like it I go? - Oh, the planning office.
I want Mr Dundridge to tell me how he got in Giles's photographs.
I think the time has come for a counter-attack.
Don't you, Blott? - Can I help you, madam? - I wish to speak to Mr Dundridge.
Lady Maud.
Oh.
Er Mr Dundridge is out.
Is he really? Where? - He's inspecting a site.
- Then I'll leave a message.
Tell him I have some sights that I'd like him to inspect, a number of photographs in which I think he'll take a particular interest.
Well, write it down.
I think he'll understand, if he has any sense.
Good day.
Goodbye, Lady Maud.
- (KNOCK) - Come in.
That was Lady Maud Lynchwood, Mr Dundridge.
- Yes, I know.
- I didn't tell her where you were.
- Yes, I know.
- She left a message.
Yes, I know.
Mary, that horrid old bag is trying to blackmail me.
Really? She's been trying for days to compromise me.
Has she? My goodness, Mr Dundridge.
Make me an appointment with the best solicitor in Worford.
And don't mention this to anyone.
Nobody is going to stop me.
Nasty little man! His secretary said he was out.
I'm sure he was hiding.
Blott, are you certain you don't recognise the woman in the photographs? Well She has no face and no clothes, but I think No, I don't recognise.
I'm sure Giles was blackmailing him.
But how could he get hold of photographs like that? I don't think it's so hard.
All you need is some secret and a camera.
Quite.
- I think two could play at that game, Blott.
- Please? I think it's time you and I went and took a look at Giles in London.
Do you feel like a trip to London, Blott? I don't know.
I have been there never.
Also I don't have anything to wear.
I have to go to London.
I like to look very elegant.
No, no, no, Blott! I'm not taking you to London looking like that.
Something more sombre.
Something like that.
Yes, hello.
I want a camera with an excellent lens.
One that can be operated by a complete idiot.
- Well, you really need an automatic camera.
- Not at all.
- What we need is a Praktica.
- Hardly the camera for a complete A novice.
This camera is for me.
- I am not complete idiot.
- Just a minute.
Blott, do you mean to tell me that you really know how to take photographs? - Of course.
- Blott, you're a godsend! Go and get whatever you need to take good, clear pictures.
This is not so easy.
What of? What type subject? Of the type of subject of Giles in bed with another woman.
That type subject.
I think flash and wide-angle lens.
You know, I believe I will much like London.
Oh, look.
Already they are making the fence.
Stop the car, Blott.
Mr Jackson! - Yes, ma'am? - You've begun work already.
Excellent! - Aiming for that bonus.
- I shall be away for a week.
Your men can sleep in the servants' quarters.
They're comfortable.
Blott will give you a key.
- You'll see a change when you come back.
- I hope so.
I must warn you first, if this is anything to do with the motorway, I can't handle it.
- You do understand? - Yes.
Well, it isn't.
- Ah.
- At least, not directly.
Mr Ganglion I am being blackmailed.
Are you? You'll join me, I trust? Blackmail? Well! An unusual crime indeed in this part of the world.
In all my experience, I can't recall handling such a case.
Very interesting kind of thing.
Yes, Mr Dundridge, you've whetted my curiosity.
Do go on.
I went to the golf club.
I met this girl.
- An attractive girl, I dare say.
- Yes.
Quite the best kind.
You went home with her? That's how it usually No, I didn't.
At least, I don't think so.
- Surely you know what you did? - That's the point.
I don't know what I did.
At least, if I did it, and, as I say, I don't think I did, I have no idea when or where it was done.
- Really? A field, perhaps - Not a field.
- The back seat of a car.
That's a frequent - No, no, no.
The thing is that I was unconscious.
Really? How very extraordinary.
You You were unconscious, but you did it? A-a-a-although you think you didn't? I had a cocktail before I left.
It tasted very bitter, though cocktails sometimes do.
I really wouldn't know.
I don't drink them.
Then I got into a car and that's the last thing I remember.
Yet something gives you the impression that you did it? - The next I knew, I was in a lay-by.
- Very appropriate.
What happened next? I was sent some photographs.
Were you really? Splendid.
Photographs, indeed.
And a demand for L1,000.
Really, I find this most engrossing.
And these photographs, Mr Dundridge.
You've got them? Yes.
Splendid.
I'll soon tell you what I think of them.
Ah.
You want to see them? If you want me to take an interest in the case.
- They're pretty awful.
- For L1,000, they're bound to be.
Quite revolting, I've no doubt.
But they're germane to evidence, you see, Mr Dundridge.
One has to examine the evidence.
- You must remember I was unconscious.
- Entirely understood.
My heavens! Oh! Oh! Oh! Quite remarkable.
Did you really? L1,000? I think you got off damn lightly.
L1,000? They must be almost worth that on the market.
Really, Mr Dundridge, I look on you with quite a new respect.
They really are quite revolting.
Did you find the money? Still, I suppose with your athletic talents I didn't pay.
They never called me back.
And you've no idea who this remarkable lady is? - I only met her once.
- Once would do, by the look of it.
And you've had no further approaches? Not until today.
- I got a message from my secretary.
- Her name? She has nothing to do with it.
She just told me that someone had called about the photographs.
That person's name, do you know that? Yes.
Lady Maud Lynchwood.
Lady Maud? You're saying that Lady Maud is the blackmailer, that she had something to do with these photographs? I think you'd better get out of here, young man, before I before I strike you! You come in here with the most disgusting photographs it has ever been my misfortune to lay my eyes on.
You say you were unconscious when you did these things, which require, as I fully realise, a great deal of devoted attention.
You then announce that Lady Maud, one of the sweetest ladies I ever saw, tried - She did.
- Out, Mr Dundridge! Out of my office.
And if you say one word more either in this office or anywhere else that so much as suggests, I shall institute immediate proceedings for slander.
One breath of a rumour from you and I shan't hesitate.
Is that clear? - You mean you don't think I have a case? - Out, Mr Dundridge! Go! Marvellous stuff! Lady Maud.
I wouldn't put it past her.
Perfect.
That's where Giles normally lives, the flat up there.
- Is good.
- Now, watch out for him and follow him.
If you see him with a woman, follow the woman.
We need to know who she is, where she lives.
- Then I took some photographs? - In due time.
The main thing is to find out where he spends his nights.
Parliamentary business, he calls it.
Right, out you get, Blott.
Stay inconspicuous.
- So this is London? - Spend whatever you have to.
When you have some news, report back to me at the hotel.
Got the address? - Yes.
- Jolly good.
- You are taxi? - No, mate.
- Taxis have yellow lights on.
- Yellow lights? Look, there's one behind me, stuck behind me.
You are taxi with the yellow light.
Follow the car in front of the car in front.
Oh? Are you Liechtenstein's answer to Starsky and Hutch? Go on! Wait here, please.
And I pay you.
Don't worry.
Yes, sir? Did you wish to see someone? Yes.
I am a visiting gentleman.
I am wondering if in this place is Sir Giles Lynchwood.
I think he just comes in.
- Yes, he's dining.
You wish to speak with him? - Oh, no.
I like to make sure he gets something to eat.
- What is this place? - This is an exclusive London club, sir.
Oh.
- That should be all right.
- I'll tell him of your concern.
What name? Oh, no, no.
Please don't do that.
I am, you know of the secret service.
Yes, sir.
I see.
We get a lot of that here.
Sir! You are on our side? Oh, yes.
Hello, Mrs Forthby.
Ooh-ooh! Guess who I am tonight! - Miss Catheter, the Wicked Nurse? - No.
- Sister Florinda, the Nymphomaniac Nun? - No! Doris, the Schoolgirl Sexpot.
- Oh-hoh.
- And who are you, nice gentleman? I think it's lesson time.
- Mrs F Forthby.
- Yes.
You're quite sure? Yes, certain.
That is what is on the bell-push, and there is no woman other in the house.
That's very clever of you, Blott.
And he didn't come out again? I waited there two hour.
Then the taxi man had to go home for his supper.
Mrs Forthby.
I wonder what she's like.
I really ought to meet her.
Perhaps she is secretary.
- Or one of those who does the feet.
- I doubt it, Blott.
There must be some way of arranging a meeting.
Do you like it that I call her? I hardly think that would work, Blott.
(AS GILES) This is Sir Giles, dear Mrs Forthby.
I wonder if you'd meet me at a certain place.
Oh, Blott, that's wonderful! I know exactly what we'll do! - Hungry, Blott? - Is possible another pork pie? - Oh, come tonight.
I'll do you Nanny Whip.
- Not tonight.
I'm out of town at a conference.
- Oh, I shall miss you so.
- If you're a good girl, I'll come tomorrow.
- How about that? - Smashing.
Must be off, my dear.
Most enjoyable.
(GIGGLE) Weren't you naughty? There he goes.
Right, Blott, remember exactly what you have to say.
- (BUZZER) - # You always hurt # Who is it? - (GILES'S VOICE) It's me.
I forgot my car keys.
- Oh, I thought I was the forgetful Good morning.
Let me introduce myself.
You must be Mrs Forthby.
I'm Lady Maud Lynchwood.
I've been longing to meet you.
Giles told me so little about you.
How frightfully embarrassing.
Quite a little love nest, isn't it? - How awful.
- Mm? It's no such thing.
Oh, do stop twisting that duster.
You make me nervous.
Look, I I feel that I, erm l-I owe you an apology.
- Apology? What for? - Well, you know.
For being my husband's mistress? If you think I hold that against you, you're mistaken.
From my point of view, you've been a godsend.
- I'm a godsend? - I've always found Giles a disgusting man.
The very vilest of personal habits.
The fact that you, out of the goodness of your heart, satisfy his obscene longings leaves me much in your debt.
- Does it really? - Very much so.
Now, where do these absurdities take place? Presumably in the bedroom.
Blott, the bedroom.
(LADY MAUD) Now, then, you and me, we're going to have a little chat.
- Oh, yes? - You look like a sensible woman.
Got your head on your shoulders.
I'm sure we can reach an advantageous arrangement.
Tell me Do sit down.
Thank you.
Have you ever been a co-respondent in a divorce case? No, I haven't, never.
Well, my dear, unless you're prepared to do exactly what I ask down to the finest detail, you'll find yourself involved in the most sordid divorce case we've seen for a very long time.
- How simply awful.
- Now, tell me What sort of thing does Giles ask you to do? Blott, come here.
What have you found? - Good God! Blott! - Oh, this is so embarrassing.
Whatever would Cedric have said? - Cedric? - My late husband.
A very particular man.
Oh! Oh, these would make the most frightfully good exhibits in court.
How many are there? - What are they all for? - Well, erm I'll get the game plan, shall I? He writes it down for me 'cause I tend to be a bit forgetful.
Sometimes I just get it wrong.
Are these for sex or for something else? They're for sex, Blott.
- I like it with the clothes OFF.
- Erm It's all there.
What were you last night? Miss Catheter, the Wicked Nurse? Doris, the Schoolgirl Sexpot.
My husband has a surprisingly varied imagination, if a poor literary style.
- And tonight? - Oh, no, he's not coming tonight.
Business conference.
Tomorrow night.
There.
Erm Nanny Whip.
I see.
Right, this is the plan.
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in.
We've got the bulldozers in, starting at Bunnington.
No, Hoskins.
I want the task force to begin in the gorge.
- That starts in October.
- I want a force there now.
A token force.
- Handyman Hall? A token force? - Not at the Hall.
In the gorge itself.
We haven't served the compulsory purchase order on the Lynchwoods.
Do it at once.
And get orders out to the Misses Percival, General Burnett and Bullett-Finch.
Bring pressure on them.
Do you understand? Well, no.
I can't see the hurry.
No, you wouldn't.
Get it done.
We don't need an order for work in the gorge.
It's common land.
Move men in.
What do you expect them to do? Storm the bloody Hall under cover of darkness? I do not care for your sarcasm.
I am Controller of Motorways and what I say goes, I believe.
Right.
And if anything goes wrong, you'll carry the can.
What do you want these men to do? The cliffs have to be cleared.
They can start on that.
- That means dynamiting.
- Excellent.
Show the old bag that we mean business.
- She'll be round here like a shot.
- Yes.
And I shall be ready for her.
Rather you than me.
Very ready.
- Ready, Blott? - Ready.
(BEEP) Sir Giles Lynchwood on the phone for you.
- Ah, Lynchwood, good morning.
- My dear chap.
I want you to sell the following at best.
4,000 Premier Zinc.
1,500 ZNK.
10,000 Rio Negri.
- All my gold and copper.
- Lynchwood - You all right? - All right? Of course I'm all right.
- What the devil - What the devil do you mean? Sir Giles, the market's rock bottom.
Better to wait.
Blodger, when I say sell, I mean sell.
If you take my advice, you'll get out now, too.
- So you really think? - I don't think.
I know.
See what you can get.
I'll call you back again in half an hour.
Brilliant, Blott! I really thought you were Giles myself.
That should put the cat among the pigeons, or the bull among the bears.
When we call back again, we'll give them the second list.
Schaeffer? Giles Lynchwood's unloading stock.
He's out of his mind, or he knows something.
He's dropping 80,000 on Premier Zinc.
He bought Rio Negri at 25.
He's selling at 12.
He's usually right.
All these years he's never put a foot wrong.
- (BEEP) - Yes? - It's Sir Giles on the line again, Mr Blodger.
- Put him through, quick.
- Yes, Sir Giles? - Blodger, listen.
Sell everything.
- I want out.
- Everything? The whole damn lot? - Yes, Blodger, and today.
- Today? Send the transfers to me as quickly as you can.
I'm staying at the - Beamish Hotel.
- Beamish Hotel.
While I redecorate the flat.
- And, by the way - I want the money I want the money transferred to my current account in Worford.
- Is all clear? - It's! - It's all clear? - Perfectly clear.
Look, old fellow, what do you know? Everything.
- Hello, Mrs Forthby! - Sir Giles.
So there you are, you naughty boy! It's a spanking for you.
Into the bedroom and take off your clothes.
- No, no! - Yes, yes! In there.
- No, no! - And get your proper clothes on! Are we ready, Master Giles? I haven't got all day.
No, Nanny Whip.
I've got my proper clothes on now.
I'm just getting into bed.
Come and say goodnight, please.
I'm sorry I was bad today.
Yes, well, Master Giles.
It's not been one of your good days.
I think you'd better be strapped in.
- No, no! - Yes, yes, yes.
- No, no! - Yes, yes! - Have you been drinking? - Yes, yes.
- You're a teetotaller.
- Lie there, Master Giles.
I won't be a moment.
- Where are you going? - I've got to go out and get some fish fingers.
You be a good boy.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
Good God, woman, you can't go out getting fish fingers Hmph! - Ta-ta.
- Hmphmh! Hmphmh! Hmphmh! Phoof! Phoof! Phoof (BUZZER) (LADY MAUD) Hello there? Anybody at home? Oh, look.
The door's open.
Might as well go in and wait, hmm? Perhaps there's somebody in the bedroom.
- Ungh! - Ah.
There you are, Giles.
I thought we might find you here.
How very convenient.
Come in, Blott.
Giles won't mind.
It's time we had a little chat.
- What about the pictures first? - Do you think he'd prefer the pictures first? Oh, yes, I think you're right, Blott.
Urgh! Agh! Ungh! Waugh! Urgh! - I think we'll take this out now.
- What the hell? Stop him! Stop him! He's nearly finished.
Now for a little talk about your future.
I brought the terms.
- What What terms? - The terms of our divorce.
- Stop him! - You simply append your signature here.
I need my reading glasses.
You look quite ridiculous.
- Here you are.
- You're mad if you think I'd sign that.
- You won't get me to sign anything.
- Unspeakable creature! You'll sign it if it's the last thing you do.
And this.
And this.
In return, I won't distribute these photographs to the Prime Minister, the Chief Whip, your constituents, your party and the press, You will sign these documents, and you will see that the motorway is stopped within one month.
Those are my terms.
- What do you have to say? - You filthy bitch! - Do you agree to sign? - I do not, you filthy! Blott go to the kitchen and find a knife.
You've always had a penchant for a little pain, haven't you, Giles? - There must be something here we can cut off.
- Mphmph! You DO want to sign? Untie his right hand, Blott.
It's quite simple.
Here.
And here.
And here.
Perhaps you'd act as a witness, Blott.
Tie his hand down again, fast! Augh! Ugh! Now I'll start divorce proceedings at once.
You'll see that the motorway is stopped, or face the consequences.
You will not set foot on my property again.
I'll have your things sent down to you.
Have you anything to say? All right.
I'll get the motorway stopped.
Return the photographs and negatives to me.
Of course.
We Handymans may have our faults, but breaking promises isn't one of them.
You Mhmph.
There.
There.
Come along, Blott.
I think Giles must be waiting for Mrs Forthby.
Oh, there was such a long queue.
Is he all right? You didn't do anything horrid? He signed the documents like a baby.
Oh, he isn't too cross, then? He can get into some terrible tantrums.
You're Nanny Whip.
You must be firm with him.
Yes, but it isn't my nature to be unkind.
I'd like to give you a little honorarium for your assistance, Mrs Forthby.
I may be silly and not very nice, but I do have standards.
Besides, I'd probably forget to cash it.
That woman's far too good for Giles, Blott.
I think it's time to get back to Handyman Hall, don't you? First thing in the morning, hmm? - Mhmh! - I'm back.
- I haven't forgotten.
- Mhmh! Shall I take this thing out? There.
That filthy, filthy bitch! She's been here.
- Has somebody been here? - Filthy, filthy I think I need another another drink, Sir Giles.
You can tell me about it later.
No, you will not, Mrs Forthby! Come here! Untie me at once! Very nice fence.
What do you make it for? I'll tell you later.
Let's get out and have a look.
Yes.
Very nice.
Very secure.
You've done an excellent job, Mr Jackson.
Yes, well, we're nearly done now, right round the perimeter.
Always I like a fence.
It must have looked like this during the war when it was an army camp.
Good God! What was that? - Is blasting.
Dynamite.
- It's been going on all day.
- Someone starts a war? - They said they've started blasting a motorway.
It's started! Mr Jackson, I want this fence finished as quickly as possible.
- This is when I'll miss a man about the house.
- You have a man about the garden.
Oh, that's much better.
You're getting the use back.
You are an absent-minded old sot.
- If I weren't so weak, I'd - Don't say that.
Your face is getting red.
Do you realise you've lost me everything? Have to realise my bloody assets and make a quick trip to Brazil.
If I've got any bloody assets to realise.
God knows what that bitch made me sign.
Look on the bright side.
You've still got me.