Camping (2016) s01e04 Episode Script

This programme contains very strong
language and adult humour from the
outset.
Mmm-MMM!
The bacon looks off the hook.
It is super.
Talking of super,
how you doing, superhero?
-Ohhh!
-Who needs Batman when you've
got Robin? Want a Pride of Britain
award with your breakfast?
That's very kind of you, but
I couldn't leave Kerry and Davey in
-the water.
-So you'd drown with them?
No, no, I get it. I'm the same.
Act now, think about yourself later.
Robin, I'm going to sort out the
fossil goggles. You're in charge of
-striking tools.
-Oh. Right you are.
Thanks, Fi.
Hmm.
Oh.
She really is super, Tom.
Yeah. Thanks, man.
She's a million dollars.
All flexible there like a
interest rate.
We have a tracker mortgage,
so it's Oh, tell me about it.
I just feel so lucky, you know,
given a second chance like this.
I mean, she's just bounced
into my life, turned it upside down,
but I am dancing on the ceiling.
It's terrible to say,
-but I don't miss Anne.
-Oh.
I don't miss her at all. I do not
miss her. No, I do not, sir.
You must miss the kids, though.
Oh, yeah, I miss the little guys,
but Skype's a wonderful thing. It's
a thing of beauty. This whole gig's
actually made me a better father.
So is it a serious thing
or is it just a fuckfest?
Adam! They're engaged!
Well, not totally,
but, to be honest, fuckfest-wise,
it is a bonkathon.
The tent's basically functioning
as a sex dojo right now, but I just
want to get it right this time.
I feel blessed and I don't want
to rub your noses in my fun,
but it's an incredible time for me.
But, look, here am I just
yakking on about my fun times.
I should just zip it. It's vulgar.
You don't want to hear all this.
It's a renaissance for me. 400 years
ago I'd be working with marble, but
I won't rub my fun in your faces.
Bit of a cunt, though, aren't you?
Well, hang on, mate. I mean
No more than you are.
You used to say, "What are you still
doing with Anne? She's a nightmare."
She is. A fucking giant nightmare.
-She's giant, isn't she?
-She's not
medically a giant! Just shy of.
Right. Just to make sure
you're all aware of today's schedule,
we're fossil hunting at 10am.
It's of the Triassic Period, as
represented by the bunter sandstone.
Just to make you all aware,
it is illegal to remove pebbles
from the beach.
She has really mastered Excel,
-hasn't she?
-Oh, yeah.
I feel like I'm starting my life
all over again, you know?
--Mm?Yeah.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
It feels like Fay's
given birth to me, like in a way.
Like a mother and a lover.
-Mm.
-Feels like a comeback.
I feel like Ali.
Wow.
It kind of feels like
this big, white light's just been,
--you know, switched on.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
You know what? I don't want
that light to go out. I don't.
It's just that honeymoon feeling,
just 24/7. Just "Ah!"
We look into each other's eyes
and just want todo it.
I don't think we ever had that,
-Fiona and I.
-Yeah?
Well, it's never too late.
There's ways of restarting these
marriages, keep the vibe alive.
-Mm, yeah.
-You and Anne weren't able
to do that, though, were you?
Well, you know
-We tried.
-Yeah.
-We tried.
-Mm.
I mean, do you and Fi have
a physical life?
Yeah, wewe go jogging.
No, I meant sex.
Ah.
Yeah?
-When did you last have sex?
-Um
Gosh. That would be going back
-seven years now.
-OK.
OK. That's, um
That was during Blair, wasn't it?
That's not even Brown.
No. It was definitely Blair.
Yeah, he was often there
-in the background.
-Yeah.
Fi never liked to miss the news.
Well, look, man, all I'm saying is
it ain't over till it's over.
Hmm. Yeah. Thank you.
It's never done, never done.
So did you try and have sex with her
-these last seven years?
-I did.
What happened?
Well, nothing, really. She
She wasn'tawake at the time
and Really?
No, no, it wasn't like that.
I was very gentle.
It was mainly fingersthumbs
But it's just that I found myself
unable to perform if she was
--..conscious.
-Yeah.
-Mm.
Yeah, I've been there.
Well, you know,
I'm a fat one to talk. Me and Anne,
we experimented a fair amount.
-Really?
-Yeah. Role play, cos play,
wet play.
Well Fi likes swimming, so
No, no, no.
Wet play is, um Wet play is
when you urinate on your partner.
Gosh.
And Anne liked that?
No, as it turned out. No.
She's a spider
Sit down beside her
Don't criticise her
Or she'll lay her eggs on you
She's arachnid
Don't make her backflip
She'll make your disc slip
And lay her eggs on you
She's a woman
Her eight legs a-drummin'
HE ACCOMPANIES HER
Black widow's comin'
To lay her eggs on you
She's a spider
Don't sit beside her
Or push yourself inside her
Or she'll lay her eggs on you-u-u
She's a lady
Don't call her baby
She's no maybe
She'll spray her eggs on you. ♪
Come on, Robin!
We'll be late for the fossil hunt!
Oh, God!
PHONE RINGS
Hello? ..Yes, speaking.
What? Anne?
'I'm afraid we can't
get hold of her husband.'
Oh, my God
When did this happen?'Last night.'
Yes. Thank you.
-OK, yes, I will.
-What?
-Oh, my God!
-Fi, is everything?
I could whip up, like, a salad
for the beach. Like a sort of beach
-salad.
-That would be really healthy.
Should I get some cucumbers?
Ehthey're courgettes and yes.
Cos they would go well
with some carrots in my beach salad.
--Ah!Hey, Fi!
-Hey, Fi.
-We're just
talking about salads and stuff.
We're going to go to Budleigh now
-for the whole fossil shebang.
-Really
-excited.
-It's going to be big.
Yeah, fine. Just to let you know,
-Tom, Anne is in a coma.
-Uh-huh.
-Sorry?
-Your wife, Anne,
is in a coma. She took an overdose.
Sojust passing that on.
-How do you know?
-Well, the hospital
just phoned me because your children
couldn't get hold of their father.
Oh, it's a fucking nightmare.
I know.
I'm like I can't believe it.
I just feel like all the women
just hate me. They really hate me.
Anne is in a coma!
I just I just feel like they all
-really hate me.
-They don't hate you.
OK, maybe a couple of them do,
but There's only two of them!
The guys Robin likes you,
Adam loves you. He loves you.
--Guys always love me.
-Yeah?
-OK?
-Yeah.
-I'm not having a great time.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just turned
all over by this whole Anne thing
Oh, God.
Are Are you going off me?
-A bit.
-Oh, no.
-No, don't.
-I'm sorry.
How much are you going off me?
Like 80%.
I Shit!
I can't go through this again.
-I can't do this again.
-I'm sorry.
-I wanted a fun holiday.
-I know.
-This is really heavy!
-I know!
I can't apologise enough.
-I'm just not having a good time.
-I'm
-sorry.
-I want to go back to London.
No, don't go back to London!
London's shit. Stay here with me.
I mean
Why don't we just take a little bit
of something and chill the fuck out?
Yeah, I've got some speed.
OK, yeah.
-Is thatis that chilling?
-Yeah.
I'm going to do it until I get
-a nose buzz.
-Yeah? Yeah? OK.
-God, I love drugs.
-Cos you know
--I love you, baby.
-Yeah.
-I love you.
And I just want to rock with you,
you know? Rawk with you!
I wanna rawk your penis!
I wanna rock your roll
and float your boat, baby bitch.
I'm gonna tip this on your cock.
Oh, Jesus OK? I'm going to tip it
on your cock, then open this mirror,
-and just crush it.
-Are you?
You're going to crush my cock
with a compact?
Let's get some speed on your cock.
Just don't leave me.
Oh, shit
-You ready?
-Oh, yeah.
--Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Like that.
Ah! Ah.
-OK, I'm going to do it.
-Yeah.
-I'm opening it up.
-OK.
I'll squeeze it like chopsticks.
AAH!
Aah! Oh, my God!
It's like a crocodile!
Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
It's the IBS. Just Sorry.
Do you need to go to the toilet?
-Not any more.
-You mean you?
No, no, just the pressure's been
released. It's fine, it's fine.
I can hold out to Budleigh.
OK, babe?
Yeah.
It's the ice cream. The ice cream.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey. All right?
-Hey, Davey.
-Hi.
Where's Tom Tom?
Oh, he'she's in the toilet.
Having a flare-up.
Smoking some puff?
No. His IBS.
I'm thinking of going back,
-actually.
-To the campsite?
No. To London.
There we are.
-Hi, Kerry.
-Hi.
Did you get it all?
What's going on? You were meant
to start fossiling at ten!
So sorry, Fi!
Hey, babe.
-You OK, babe?
-All good, all good.
Tom, I'm so sorry to hear
-about Anne.
-Oh, thanks, Kez. Thanks.
Yeah, it's a bit of a biggie.
-Are we getting a coffee?
-No, I'm
just going to grab some tap water.
-You two go and goggle up.
-Okey-doke.
So, Tom, are you not going to go down
and see her?
Who?
-Anne!
-Well
I mean, strictly speaking,
we are on a break, Fi, aren't we?
I've got to be strong, for a start.
For everyone, especially Anne.
We knew things like this would
come up. When you think about it,
it's not really a proper break.
-And nobody learns anything.
-Tom,
her life is hanging in the balance.
I know, but it's a four-hour trip.
Four hours and change.
It took us six to get down here.
I don't think your IBS would
-stand it.
-It wouldn't, no.
--Here, baby.
-Thank you.
-Fi?
No, thank you. No.
It's got a hazelnut shot.
They didn't have I'll leave it.
This sounds like a cry for help.
I've heard these cries before
and do you know what?
They're the cries of a wolf.
A wolf in a coma, Tom!
Still a wolf!
And I keep thinking
about this shadowy Horst figure.
-Where is Horst?
-Exactly.
Where is Horst in all this?
Whither Horst?
I mean, what do we know about him?
Has he been giving her paracetamol?
He's a builder. Can he afford
British paracetamol? Is he giving
-her Danish paracetamol?
-What?!
I don't think there's a Danish
-paracetamol!
-I'm exploring options.
Paracetamol's so dangerous, Fi.
I had a friend take an overdose. She
was fine. A week later, her liver
collapsed and she passed it whole.
And also, may I say, Fi?
I don't see anyone else
beating a path down to Anne.
You could send her some flowers
or a foil balloon, but no It's
a lot of jibber jabber, no action.
Sorry. I will send Anne
-some balloons.
-You said you were
-her best friend.
-Not best
She talks about you constantly.
Not at the moment, but
Sorry. I really object to that.
It sounds like me and Fay are
-the only friends Anne's got.
-You've
tried to turn this round on Tom.
No, no Let's acknowledge
Fay's presence in the conversation.
Anne is not my partner.
Anne is Anne is a woman
who is currently unconscious
that I used to sleep with.
Come here. Sorry.
Oh It's hard. It's fucking hard,
-isn't it?
-It's very hard.
So, um, how long have
you and Adam been married?
Um, well,
we're not actually
We're not actually married.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry!
No, but we'revery strong.
Yeah.
I heard his first wife drowned.
-Yes, she did.
-God.
Is that why he didn't save you
the other day when you fell in?
Water. Any liquid.
It's so full of death for him.
Mm-hm. What, like, even a bath
or something?
Well hehe prefers showers.
Come on, Davey! Get in here!
Don't be a pussy! Come on!
Get in here!
Look in this sort of general area.
What can happen very often is the
fossils spray out from the cliffs,
tumble down and land
-on other, larger rocks.
-I thought
they were only inside the rocks.
The fossils? Yes
They often are inside the rocks
and then they spurt out
like a volcano and then land
back on the larger rocks.
You see if you can find a fossil
on top of a larger rock, OK?
In that sort of area.
OK, Archie? I'll see you soon.
Left a bit.
If I had a hammer ♪
Oh. Would you like me to have a go,
-darling?
-No, I'm the person most
likely to find anything significant.
All right. It's just that I can give
-it a really good whack.
-If you'd
brought enough striking tools,
you could have done your own banging
-on a piece of rock.
-Mama! Mama!
-Oh, my God!
-Mama!
Oh, my God! Archie, have you cut
yourself, darling? Are you bleeding?
-I found a fossil!
-Have you found
something? Gosh! Look at that!
Is it an ammonite, do you think?
-Look.
-I'm not blind. I can see it.
Look at the size of it!
It's not that big.
It's not an entire diplodocus
-skeleton!
-Pretty impressive for
-an eight-year-old boy.
-It's a start.
Indiana Jones started somewhere.
He's not a fossil hunter, is he?
We'd better pop it in my bag.
Ah!
Super duper.
-Well done. Group hug?
-No. I want to
get on with this one over here.
-All right.
-There might be something
-bigger in there.
-Been hunting
all day and Archie finds one.
Well, yes, beginner's luck,
I suppose.
Perhaps we should give him a go on
-this one here.
-No, I'm doing this
-one, thank you very much.
-Let Archie!
Robin!
Stand back, please.
Right, goggies on.
Oh, dear. I think Mummy's
a bit jealous because you found one.
Don't be stupid, Robin.
It's about perseverance.
-Let Archie have a go.
-No.
He's got the magic touch.
Can you be quiet, Robin? I'm trying
to break open this big stone.
Ah! Done it.
-Ah. And is there anything in it?
-No.
Aw, rotten luck.
Thank you.
Hi.
I-I'm Davey.
I'm Lisa.
Oh, eh
I'm There's a party
at our campsite tomorrow.
Em Em, sorry.
-Er, yeah.
-OK.
-Sure.
-Cool.
-I'm Davey.
-You said.
Oh, yeah. And you're
-Lisa.
-Lisa. Yeah.
Hey, mermaid. How ya doing?
-Yeah, good. You?
-I'm pretty good.
I had a good blast-off
--up in the toilets.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
It's all good.
Looking beautiful, right?
Amazing.
You going to go in?
Er I don't know.
-Has Adam gone in?
-Yeah.
He's been in for about an hour.
I might go in.
--I'm going in.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
-Like what you see?
-Yeah.
Still a bit sticky
from my blast-off.
Yeah.
Oh! Whoo!
-Hey!
-Oh, my goodness!
-Wow.
-That was intense.
Whoo!
-Woo!
-That was awesome.
--Oh, my God!
-What?
-Really?
Are you seriously going to go in
in your budgie smugglers?
They're not budgie smugglers, mate.
Vulture smugglers.
-Really? Vulture?
-Vulture, yeah.
Isn't that an endangered bird?
Bird of prey, mate.
-Yeah.
-Tell me about the cross
currents. Port to starboard?
They're prettysmall!
No! Don't!
A little bit like that.
Got you! I got you.
Can I have my trousers, please, Fay?
All the denim, all the denim.
Please.
Look at that.
Big game
-I think I want to go home.
-Really?
Just back to London.
Oh, OK.
-Is that all right?
-Yeah, sure.
I think Adam's not fossiling,
so I can just
No, no You can come with me.
-Really?
-Yeah!
We could justswing by Anne's.
It'd be fun.
You could meet her.
-But she's in a coma.
-That's
probably the best way of doing it.
-Come with me.
-OK.
Cool.
Race you.
Hi, Horst. I'm absolutely
devastated. It must have ripped
the arse out of your day.
I am just jumping onto a train.
I'm going to try and get down
for about five past six.
Just as fast
as my wheels can carry me.
What hospital are you in? OK.
We're in Devon. Hang on.
Are you going to the buffet car?
Can you get me a pack of crisps?
Cheese and onion? Thank you.
Um
OK, OK. Well, look.
I'll just jump in a black cab and
Yeah, or an Uber. And I'll just
get there as soon as I can.
What are you doing, Robin?
Stop it, please! The more you go
at me, the more My hips lock!
I was just so pleased about Archie.
-Mm.
-And how pleased
-how pleased you were.
-Pleased?
With him finding the fossil.
Oh, yes. It was quite a first.
Do you like it?
I do. Let's have a look. Ah.
Mmm.
Mmm. There we are.
Can I have a word, please?
(This makes a mockery of everything!
You're just a cheat.
Excuse me? I'm a cheat?)
(Not as much of a cheat as you!
Telling Kerry you've had enough of
-me?!
-What are you talking about?!)
That's what she told me today!
You're thinking of leaving me.
-No, she's mentally ill.
-That's beside
-the point.
-Anyway, this is the sort
of thing that turns somebody gay.
What? Sorry?!
Our son finding a fossil
-is going to turn him gay?
-Yes!
If he doesn't have to fight for it.
Oh, Fiona, sometimes I wish
you'd listen to yourself.
I have to say this.
You flick a switch in a child's brain
by deceiving them and they end up
-a homosexual.
-Oh, Fi
If he's gay, he's going to be gay.
There's nothing we can do about it.
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