DMV (2025) s01e04 Episode Script
Don't Kill the Job
1
Bidding starts at one dollar.
Do I hear a dollar? A dollar?
A dollar makes me holler.
Let's go two dollars.
Yup, yup, three dollars. Yup.
So you auction off items
from the lost and found
every month?
-Mm-hmm.
-It doesn't
leave customers much time
to come back
and get their stuff.
No, people don't even come back
for their children.
-They're not coming back for this crap.
-[gavel bangs]
One man's crap is another man's
whole new personality.
Last month, I purchased a pen
that was owned
by actress Téa Leoni.
Sold for five. Fantastic.
Okay, guys, that's all we got
for this month. Amazing.
Now, hold on. We got one
last item, and it's a beaut.
-[gasping]
-COLETTE: Oh, my God.
-D-Don't
-Neck massager.
-[buzzing]
-Oh.
It's the perfect size
to really get in there.
Oh, my God, is that a?
Yeah. A used one.
-Mm-hmm.
-BARB: Actually, this may be
a little dirty,
but you can even use it
-on your downstairs.
-Oh.
-[buzzing]
-BARB [groaning]: Oh!
Who the hell would bring
something like that to the DMV?
Who knows, really? It's im
It is impossible to tell.
[moans] -COLETTE:
Or prove. I mean, maybe
the person packed their bag
in the dark today,
or whatever day
that they brought it.
Well, I have never felt looser.
And I'm gonna bid
five whole bucks
on this little pocket rocket.
Great. Five bucks.
Do I hear ten?
No. Going once, going twice.
Sold to Barb.
This auction is over forever.
Bye, guys.
Gregg, it matches your shirt.
You and me at lunch?
♪
Oh. Thank you so much. I mean,
I really couldn't have passed
this road test without you.
You know what? I think the key
was trusting your instincts
as a strong woman, right? Yeah.
And keeping your eyes open the
whole time. That helps. [laughs]
[laughs] You are the best.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
-Well, it's
-AUTOMATED VOICE: At window
-number five
-Oh, my God. Colette Tyler?
[Colette gasps]
Oh, my God. Amber.
I'm the worst
at keeping in touch.
What has it been
like, three years?
Ooh, like, eight.
-No.
-Yup, eight years, yeah.
But I get it. You've been
really busy, putting out fires.
-Oh.
-Literally.
-That's my stunt double.
-[laughs]
They just bring us actors in
for the close-ups.
-I knew that.
-Can you believe
I'm going into season four
of Lifeguard Fire?
I can, actually,
because there's a billboard
that looks right
into my apartment.
-No way.
-Yeah, so I have this, like,
constant reminder
of your success.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
Like, the money is incredible.
-Oh, right?
-Like, stupid, even.
-Oh. Money is stupid.
-But I just think
about when you and I drove out
to L.A.,
two dreamers from Delaware,
and we promised
we would never compromise
on our goals.
-Did we?
-Speaking of,
did you crush veterinary school
or what?
What can I say?
Other than the truth,
which is, yes, I am a vet.
-And I'm practicing medicine
-Yes.
-on animals. Yes.
-Yes.
Okay. You're sitting with me.
I want to hear
about your love life,
vet school, everything.
Yes. [laughs]
How much time have you got?
The love life is pumping.
-Blip, blip. [laughs]
-[laughs]
Greggy Sue, we got a problem.
What did we say about
interrupting my chair naps?
Not to do it,
but this is important.
Noa's working
through his morning break.
Oh, my God.
I know. New guy. It's a problem.
Not on my
Were you gonna say watch?
That would have been tight.
Thank you for your patience.
-Hey.
-Hey.
So I understand you're working
through your break?
Yeah. I thought I would
just lighten the load a bit
for the rest of the crew.
-Oh. [laughs]
-[laughs]
No.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving two, five
at window number
So, the first year
of vet school
that's your cats, your dogs,
your, you know, hamsters.
Small domestics, we call 'em.
And then, you move on
to the big boys
you know, the lions
and tigers and bears.
-Oh, my. [laughs]
-[chuckles]
We actually had a tiger on set
of Lifeguard Firethis season.
-Oh, wow.
-Spoiler alert.
What was a tiger doing
on the beach in Hawaii?
That was my question, too,
until I read the script.
Circus plane crash.
-Right.
-GREGG: They say
you get used to the smell
after six months, but
[quietly]: Oh, God. Oh.
-Do-do-dee. Boo-boo-boo.
-Uh-oh.
Just checking I can still
touch my toes, and I can, so
I would hope so
after all the ointments
you had to put on them.
All good, pleased to report.
Walk normal, swim normal.
Yup.
♪
You gonna
jump out the window again?
What? No.
I'm hiding in here because
there's an old friend out there,
and I don't want her to know
that I work at the DMV.
It's stupid, I know, but, like,
I shouldn't be intimidated
just because she's the star
of some ridiculous
beach bonfire show.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Charlie Ocean is here?
Oh, my God. I am freaking out.
Have you seen the new trailer?
No, I'm not really a
Um, you're showing me anyway.
So
[upbeat theme music playing]
That wildfire just messed
with the wrong beach.
COLETTE: Are they looking
at something in slow motion?
How hard is that?
It's just like,
"Oh, no. A fire.
Can I put it out
with my perfect breasts?"
Mama, jealousy is not
a good look on you.
I know.
At the East Hollywood DMV,
we never skip breaks.
I quit smoking years ago,
but I still come out here
twice a day
because
the state grants me that right.
Well, I admire
your dedication?
Yeah. Thank you.
You see, taking breaks is how
we don't kill the job.
Excuse me.
Breaks are one
of the few perks we still
have left here at the DMV.
And if heroes like you
start working through them,
then it's only a matter of time
before Big Sac
starts coming down here
and starts taking that away
from us, too.
Yeah, I used to be like you,
trying to go the extra mile.
And then one day,
I got into the weeds
on a boat registration
and worked until closing,
which, at that time,
was 4:00 p.m. The next day,
we started closing at 5:00.
-Oh. Man, people must have hated you, Gregg.
-Yeah.
Some of the old-timers still
call me Gregg-stra Credit.
Mm. That must really hurt.
Yeah, Noa. That's the worst
thing I've ever been called.
Hmm.
-[Noa clears throat]
-[siren wails in distance]
Finally.
Hi.
I'm here to get a REAL ID.
I'm actually
shooting a movie in Atlanta.
Atlanta? That's where my cousin
is serving a lifetime sentence.
I'm not sure why I said that
so enthusiastically.
It's really sad. So sad.
Ah, it's so sad. So the REAL ID,
when you get a second?
Right. Let's do this.
I just need
your old ID
and two proofs of residence,
and you'll be wheels up
in no time.
Wait. Two? Uh [scoffs]
Sorry.
I thought it was only one.
Um, I don't know.
Could you use, like,
my IMDb page?
I do not know what that is,
so, no.
Do you know what being verified
on Instagram is?
-Okay. Oh, there you are.
-Hey now.
-Coco?
-Yeah.
Apparently, six acting credits
and two appearances as "self"
one being a late-night
appearance isn't enough
-for this woman.
-As "self"?
What kind of clown show are
you running here, lady?
-Thank you.
-BARB: Excuse me?
I'm sorry. This whole process
is just, like,
incredibly confusing.
Yeah, it is. You got some nerve
expecting customers
to read a very clear sentence
in bold
at the top of every form, Barb.
Which I gather is your name,
from context clues and your ID
badge, 'cause you work here.
-And I don't work here.
-No, she's a vet.
Uh oh.
-What is happening?
-You know what?
-Can I talk to the manager?
-Yes.
Oh, oh, oh, great.
You're a manager?
Great. Can we talk in private,
over here, please?
Thank you. I think
-she's just intimidated by celebrity.
-My God,
I hate when people get that way.
It's, like,
see yourself in my characters.
You know, my wins are your wins,
you know?
-Yeah. You're so relatable.
-Thank you.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving zero-45
Okay, look,
I am gonna act really mad
and, like, do some big gestures,
but the point is,
I ran into an old friend here,
and I pretended
that I'm a customer.
I know it's crappy,
but I said I was a vet.
You know, so, I think
it's because I just, um
You don't want her
taking advantage
of your very powerful position
here.
Yeah. Yes, that is it.
Don't worry. I got you, girl.
She's not the only one
with acting chops, okay?
COLETTE: Okay.
Wow.
What?
Just wow.
I am so insulted right now.
Don't take it personally.
That you didn't bring me in
on your lie.
Wait. What?
I'm the ruse king, baby.
That's what I do.
[British accent]:
Oh, what's that now?
It's me, Denzel Washington.
He's not British.
Exactly. Ruse king.
GREGG:
See, it's about pacing yourself.
Not killing the job
is about more
than taking
every official break.
-You understand?
-Mm.
It's simple, really.
Oh, do you need to use the?
Oh, God, no.
For actual bathroom trips,
use the Dave & Buster's
on Hollywood.
But here at the DMV,
we have
unlimited bathroom breaks, so
[door squeaks open]
Employees go number zero
throughout the day
to get extra moments of rest.
-Okay.
-[TV theme music plays on phone]
Oh, hey, what are you?
-Oh.
-GREGG: Hey, Scott.
Gregg.
Hi. I'm Noa.
-He loves Lifeguard Fire.
-Ah.
CHARLIE: Obviously, the
fire didn't start itself, Sarge.
Dr. Colette Coco Tyler,
please come to window two.
Dr. Colette Tyler, window two.
-Yup, here I am.
-Yoo-hoo.
-Hey. [laughs]
-Coco. Yoo-hoo.
Why do you keep paging me?
To prove that you're a customer
for Miss Fancy Pants over here.
Okay, so, like, honestly,
I have to know,
how does Fire Chief Kevin
breathe under all of that sand?
And, also, wouldn't the flames
above it turn it to glass?
Like
You're assuming he's on Oahu.
Is Dominic alive?
Ah!
Oh, my God, you guys! Okay.
I am so honored to be helping
the Dr. Coco Tyler,
vet to the stars. Is it true
you helped Pedro Pascal's dog
beat cancer?
-Is it?
-AMBER: Wait. Cokes?
-Huh?
-Seriously?
I'm literally best friends
with Pedro.
-Oh, good.
-Wait. We need to send him a picture.
He's gonna die.
Just be like,
"Stuck at the DMV. LOLs."
-Please don't.
-Didn't kill ourselves.
-I'd love to. I'd love to be fun, but I can't.
-What?
It's, like,
a privacy thing for HIPAA.
And PIPAA. That's the pets.
It's all the IPAAs, really.
I'm gonna I'm gonna come back
when you're not so busy.
Oh, this isn't busy for us.
Which is good, because
we're down a driving examiner.
But how would you know that?
[laughs]
Exactly. But I am in a rush,
so now that
you're done speaking
Amber, it was so nice
to see you again,
and I am just so glad that
we're both thriving so much.
It was really good seeing you,
too.
-Yeah. All the best.
-Hey, babe.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to park the Lambo.
Only handicaps. Hey.
I'm Colette's husband,
Deuce McDougall.
Spelled with two L's.
The only two I've ever taken.
[laughing]
[quietly]:
You're welcome. Ruse king.
[chuckles]
-[exhales] Okay.
-[printer whirring]
Oh, whoopsie. [laughs]
Always use
the farthest printer possible.
If it's convenient,
you're doing it wrong.
Here at the DMV, we like
to slow things way down.
Come with me. Mm.
Come with me slowly.
♪
I'm working at my job,
yeah, that's right ♪
I'm working at my job ♪
I'm completing all the tasks ♪
That are assigned by my boss ♪
-Slower.
-I'm working ♪
I'm working, I'm working ♪
-Too fast.
-Working, I'm working ♪
I'm working at my job ♪
I'm working at my job,
I'm working on my job. ♪
AMBER: I cannot believe
you got married first.
Literally, all our friends
thought she'd be last.
-Well, that's nice.
-Mm. Mm, mm, mm.
But you never know
when love's gonna just
force its way into your life.
-[chuckles]
-Like this guy.
[both chuckle]
My ring is in the shop,
by the way.
-Oh.
-VIC: Yeah, we're adding diamonds to it.
Lab-grown,
'cause my queen hates conflict.
-I do. Yeah mm, no.
-Mm-hmm
Oh, my God. No.
Just feeling a little,
-uh, nauseous.
-Well,
we all know why that is.
'Cause my girl's got
a bun in the ov.
-[laughs]
-Really? Congrats.
-VIC: Surprise.
-COLETTE: Yeah, we're
-expecting a little deuce.
-[laughs]
-Mm
-Got to drop a deuce.
♪
[door closes]
Noa, is that you?
NOA [low voice]:
No. No, no, this is Scott.
From written tests. I'm just
ordering some hamburgers.
Do you want one?
How dare you?
[regular pitch]:
Look, I'm sorry, man, I just
I needed to finish
one registration.
Okay? [stammers]
Do none of these locks work?
Nothing here works.
Except you.
Gregg
-[door opens]
-Gregg
A baby.
-Can I touch?
-Oh
You already are.
I had a feeling,
if I'm being honest,
from the minute I saw you.
-Oh.
-You know, your face is doing that thing
where it's glowing, but
-full.
-Yeah.
You know, I'm just glad
her body still works,
after all that action
she saw in Afghanistan.
-Afghanistan?
-Yeah.
-Afghanistan?
-And Iraq.
And a little Mogadishu.
Yeah. As I think we all know,
my lady here is
a highly decorated vet.
Wait, so,
you're a military vet, too?
Uh-huh, because that
is the other meaning
of the word "vet."
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Mm, yeah. Uh-huh.
Wow. So you're a vet vet.
Yeah, I've been
super busy with the
you know, the training
and the killing, yeah.
From being a Navy SEAL
to saving actual seals.
[laughs] What a crazy ride.
-That's a fun biopic for me to play.
-VIC: Mm-hmm.
Anyway, enough about me.
Look at that.
Looks like your photo's done.
So, I think the next step,
according to info available
to everyone on the DMV portal,
is to print your receipt
and, uh, get you on your way.
-Yay, you.
-Mm, hold on. I don't know,
I feel like this photo's good
for a normal person,
but you're
Charlotte Everett Ocean, right?
I mean, I guess I could do
a fun lip color or something.
-I think it looks fine.
-This is gonna be fun. For everybody.
What are you guys doing?
Why are you being such weirdos?
We are just trying to help.
Well, don't. I mean, this is why
I didn't want Amber to know
I work here in the first place.
I didn't want her to think
that I'm, like, some loser
who obsesses over TV shows
or dresses up to feel cool,
in costumes,
or whose entire life
is the stupid DMV.
Ooh.
-Excuse me, ma'am. First of all
-Yeah. Hey.
thank you for your service.
-Oh. You're welcome.
-And did I also hear
that you're some kind of
superstar vet?
'Cause my dog is sick.
-[whimpering]
-COLETTE: Oh, uh Know what?
-I'm don't really know how to
-AMBER: Oh,
she's the best.
She'll save your woofer.
Come on, Coco. You're on.
BARB: Yeah, Doctor,
why don't you show him
how much better you are
than the rest of us?
Yeah, go for it, babe,
since you're such
an all-star vetrealar
ernarian. [scoffs]
♪
[whimpering]
-[sighs] Uh Mm.
-BURT: Please?
So, I'm gonna start by measuring
this animal's heartbeat,
which any good vet knows is, uh,
you check just right beneath
the, um, the nipples,
and, uh, yeah.
I think I found your problem.
This fella has a lot of nipples.
-Yeah, Pretzel is a she.
-Huh, obvi. Yeah.
Go off, queen.
Now that I have you,
when did this sweet girl
start feeling sick?
-About ten minutes ago?
-Copy that.
So, just crunching
those numbers,
that's, like, 70 dog minutes.
Now that I have, uh, calculated
the onset of
this pooch's illness,
I'm gonna just, uh,
I'm gonna check the tail reflex.
-Yeah. Uh You may
-[barks, growls]
-Oh.
-COLETTE: Ooh. Yep. That worked.
Didn't like that. [weak chuckle]
All systems go in that area.
-[retching]
-Oh.
-That's it, girl.
-[retches]
Get it out, girl.
-[wet sloshing]
-[all groan]
Better out than in.
COLETTE: Okay, well
Someone is feeling better.
-Attagirl.
-[applause]
You good now?
I'll send you the bill.
-Thank you so much, Doctor.
-Eh, don't mention it.
Coco, that was so badass.
-You're like an actual hero.
-Yeah.
I just get paid an absurd amount
of money to play one on TV.
-You're worth it.
-I know.
♪
-[exhales]
-Hey, I'm sorry
I was sneak-working.
Guess I just find it hard
not helping people.
Why? People are terrible.
[chuckles] I know.
I come from a long line
of them. I, um
I don't really like
to tell people this, but I
I grew up very wealthy.
And it wasn't until I got older
that I realized
my family's
massive oil conglomerate
wasn't exactly ethical.
I don't want to be a part of it.
Are they looking for someone
to be a part of that, or?
I wouldn't know.
We haven't spoken
since I left New Zealand.
[sighs] -So you're atoning for
your rich childhood in paradise
by working at the DMV?
The most despised institution
in America.
Look, it just felt like
this is the place
where I can help
a lot of very unhappy people.
Hmm. You know, you remind me
of an idealistic teacher
I once knew.
-Hmm?
-Minus the generational wealth.
[laughs]
[sighs] Well,
I'd better get back in there.
I've got a lot of work to not do
for the both of us.
[laughs softly]
♪
[inhales sharply]
Oh, I got to give these up.
[exhales]
Well, now that Pretzel's
feeling better,
I am finally gonna scoot.
Amber, I would hug you,
but you know,
I'm a bit vomity. [chuckles]
Oh. Just like prom.
[laughs]
Never let me forget. Bye, Amber.
Bye.
Is that someone's ID badge?
♪
-That's me.
-Oh. Yeah. Mine.
[low]:
Hey. What are you doing? Stop.
Your friend might be
a fake lifeguard,
but we're not gonna let you
drown on your own.
We're gonna drown together.
Hey, what's going on, Coco?
Um
Thanks, guys. It's-it's okay.
Uh, Amber
here's the truth.
I work here.
-What do you mean?
-I work at the DMV.
That is me. Yep.
I never applied for vet school.
It's very expensive, and
turns out, it's a lot of birds,
-and I don't like birds.
-Well
if you're happy, I'm happy.
♪
I am happy.
[chuckles]
All three of us are supes happy.
-Aww.
-[chuckles]
Hey, that wasn't a lie.
[chuckles]
-It's just the funniest thing.
-COLETTE: Right.
Because you'd think that
they'd make bikinis fireproof,
-but they don't.
-They-they don't? Wow.
-S-Sorry. Uh
-Hey.
-can we get a photo?
-Aww.
-Sure.
-[Amber chuckles]
S-Sorry, I actually meant you.
Wouldn't have gotten
my license without you, so
-Ah.
-That is a cold fact
that feels much warmer.
-Get in here.
-I'll take it.
-You'll take it?
-Of course.
She did it. She did it. Yay.
Fifth time's the charm.
-COLETTE: Thank you.
-Okay, mouth closed. This isn't prom.
Yes.
-And you are done.
-[exhales] Finally.
I thought I'd be here
the rest of my life.
-[laughs]
-Can you imagine?
Okay, I just have to print
your copy from the printer,
-and you will be on your way.
-Great.
Hey, Gregg?
-Hmm?
-A little help?
Right away.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving
8, 100 and 29
[exhales]
-I'm on it.
-NOA: Mm-hmm.
NOA: Look at him.
So slow.
So beautiful.
-[exhales]
-What is happening?
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access
Bidding starts at one dollar.
Do I hear a dollar? A dollar?
A dollar makes me holler.
Let's go two dollars.
Yup, yup, three dollars. Yup.
So you auction off items
from the lost and found
every month?
-Mm-hmm.
-It doesn't
leave customers much time
to come back
and get their stuff.
No, people don't even come back
for their children.
-They're not coming back for this crap.
-[gavel bangs]
One man's crap is another man's
whole new personality.
Last month, I purchased a pen
that was owned
by actress Téa Leoni.
Sold for five. Fantastic.
Okay, guys, that's all we got
for this month. Amazing.
Now, hold on. We got one
last item, and it's a beaut.
-[gasping]
-COLETTE: Oh, my God.
-D-Don't
-Neck massager.
-[buzzing]
-Oh.
It's the perfect size
to really get in there.
Oh, my God, is that a?
Yeah. A used one.
-Mm-hmm.
-BARB: Actually, this may be
a little dirty,
but you can even use it
-on your downstairs.
-Oh.
-[buzzing]
-BARB [groaning]: Oh!
Who the hell would bring
something like that to the DMV?
Who knows, really? It's im
It is impossible to tell.
[moans] -COLETTE:
Or prove. I mean, maybe
the person packed their bag
in the dark today,
or whatever day
that they brought it.
Well, I have never felt looser.
And I'm gonna bid
five whole bucks
on this little pocket rocket.
Great. Five bucks.
Do I hear ten?
No. Going once, going twice.
Sold to Barb.
This auction is over forever.
Bye, guys.
Gregg, it matches your shirt.
You and me at lunch?
♪
Oh. Thank you so much. I mean,
I really couldn't have passed
this road test without you.
You know what? I think the key
was trusting your instincts
as a strong woman, right? Yeah.
And keeping your eyes open the
whole time. That helps. [laughs]
[laughs] You are the best.
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
-Well, it's
-AUTOMATED VOICE: At window
-number five
-Oh, my God. Colette Tyler?
[Colette gasps]
Oh, my God. Amber.
I'm the worst
at keeping in touch.
What has it been
like, three years?
Ooh, like, eight.
-No.
-Yup, eight years, yeah.
But I get it. You've been
really busy, putting out fires.
-Oh.
-Literally.
-That's my stunt double.
-[laughs]
They just bring us actors in
for the close-ups.
-I knew that.
-Can you believe
I'm going into season four
of Lifeguard Fire?
I can, actually,
because there's a billboard
that looks right
into my apartment.
-No way.
-Yeah, so I have this, like,
constant reminder
of your success.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
Like, the money is incredible.
-Oh, right?
-Like, stupid, even.
-Oh. Money is stupid.
-But I just think
about when you and I drove out
to L.A.,
two dreamers from Delaware,
and we promised
we would never compromise
on our goals.
-Did we?
-Speaking of,
did you crush veterinary school
or what?
What can I say?
Other than the truth,
which is, yes, I am a vet.
-And I'm practicing medicine
-Yes.
-on animals. Yes.
-Yes.
Okay. You're sitting with me.
I want to hear
about your love life,
vet school, everything.
Yes. [laughs]
How much time have you got?
The love life is pumping.
-Blip, blip. [laughs]
-[laughs]
Greggy Sue, we got a problem.
What did we say about
interrupting my chair naps?
Not to do it,
but this is important.
Noa's working
through his morning break.
Oh, my God.
I know. New guy. It's a problem.
Not on my
Were you gonna say watch?
That would have been tight.
Thank you for your patience.
-Hey.
-Hey.
So I understand you're working
through your break?
Yeah. I thought I would
just lighten the load a bit
for the rest of the crew.
-Oh. [laughs]
-[laughs]
No.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving two, five
at window number
So, the first year
of vet school
that's your cats, your dogs,
your, you know, hamsters.
Small domestics, we call 'em.
And then, you move on
to the big boys
you know, the lions
and tigers and bears.
-Oh, my. [laughs]
-[chuckles]
We actually had a tiger on set
of Lifeguard Firethis season.
-Oh, wow.
-Spoiler alert.
What was a tiger doing
on the beach in Hawaii?
That was my question, too,
until I read the script.
Circus plane crash.
-Right.
-GREGG: They say
you get used to the smell
after six months, but
[quietly]: Oh, God. Oh.
-Do-do-dee. Boo-boo-boo.
-Uh-oh.
Just checking I can still
touch my toes, and I can, so
I would hope so
after all the ointments
you had to put on them.
All good, pleased to report.
Walk normal, swim normal.
Yup.
♪
You gonna
jump out the window again?
What? No.
I'm hiding in here because
there's an old friend out there,
and I don't want her to know
that I work at the DMV.
It's stupid, I know, but, like,
I shouldn't be intimidated
just because she's the star
of some ridiculous
beach bonfire show.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Charlie Ocean is here?
Oh, my God. I am freaking out.
Have you seen the new trailer?
No, I'm not really a
Um, you're showing me anyway.
So
[upbeat theme music playing]
That wildfire just messed
with the wrong beach.
COLETTE: Are they looking
at something in slow motion?
How hard is that?
It's just like,
"Oh, no. A fire.
Can I put it out
with my perfect breasts?"
Mama, jealousy is not
a good look on you.
I know.
At the East Hollywood DMV,
we never skip breaks.
I quit smoking years ago,
but I still come out here
twice a day
because
the state grants me that right.
Well, I admire
your dedication?
Yeah. Thank you.
You see, taking breaks is how
we don't kill the job.
Excuse me.
Breaks are one
of the few perks we still
have left here at the DMV.
And if heroes like you
start working through them,
then it's only a matter of time
before Big Sac
starts coming down here
and starts taking that away
from us, too.
Yeah, I used to be like you,
trying to go the extra mile.
And then one day,
I got into the weeds
on a boat registration
and worked until closing,
which, at that time,
was 4:00 p.m. The next day,
we started closing at 5:00.
-Oh. Man, people must have hated you, Gregg.
-Yeah.
Some of the old-timers still
call me Gregg-stra Credit.
Mm. That must really hurt.
Yeah, Noa. That's the worst
thing I've ever been called.
Hmm.
-[Noa clears throat]
-[siren wails in distance]
Finally.
Hi.
I'm here to get a REAL ID.
I'm actually
shooting a movie in Atlanta.
Atlanta? That's where my cousin
is serving a lifetime sentence.
I'm not sure why I said that
so enthusiastically.
It's really sad. So sad.
Ah, it's so sad. So the REAL ID,
when you get a second?
Right. Let's do this.
I just need
your old ID
and two proofs of residence,
and you'll be wheels up
in no time.
Wait. Two? Uh [scoffs]
Sorry.
I thought it was only one.
Um, I don't know.
Could you use, like,
my IMDb page?
I do not know what that is,
so, no.
Do you know what being verified
on Instagram is?
-Okay. Oh, there you are.
-Hey now.
-Coco?
-Yeah.
Apparently, six acting credits
and two appearances as "self"
one being a late-night
appearance isn't enough
-for this woman.
-As "self"?
What kind of clown show are
you running here, lady?
-Thank you.
-BARB: Excuse me?
I'm sorry. This whole process
is just, like,
incredibly confusing.
Yeah, it is. You got some nerve
expecting customers
to read a very clear sentence
in bold
at the top of every form, Barb.
Which I gather is your name,
from context clues and your ID
badge, 'cause you work here.
-And I don't work here.
-No, she's a vet.
Uh oh.
-What is happening?
-You know what?
-Can I talk to the manager?
-Yes.
Oh, oh, oh, great.
You're a manager?
Great. Can we talk in private,
over here, please?
Thank you. I think
-she's just intimidated by celebrity.
-My God,
I hate when people get that way.
It's, like,
see yourself in my characters.
You know, my wins are your wins,
you know?
-Yeah. You're so relatable.
-Thank you.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Now serving zero-45
Okay, look,
I am gonna act really mad
and, like, do some big gestures,
but the point is,
I ran into an old friend here,
and I pretended
that I'm a customer.
I know it's crappy,
but I said I was a vet.
You know, so, I think
it's because I just, um
You don't want her
taking advantage
of your very powerful position
here.
Yeah. Yes, that is it.
Don't worry. I got you, girl.
She's not the only one
with acting chops, okay?
COLETTE: Okay.
Wow.
What?
Just wow.
I am so insulted right now.
Don't take it personally.
That you didn't bring me in
on your lie.
Wait. What?
I'm the ruse king, baby.
That's what I do.
[British accent]:
Oh, what's that now?
It's me, Denzel Washington.
He's not British.
Exactly. Ruse king.
GREGG:
See, it's about pacing yourself.
Not killing the job
is about more
than taking
every official break.
-You understand?
-Mm.
It's simple, really.
Oh, do you need to use the?
Oh, God, no.
For actual bathroom trips,
use the Dave & Buster's
on Hollywood.
But here at the DMV,
we have
unlimited bathroom breaks, so
[door squeaks open]
Employees go number zero
throughout the day
to get extra moments of rest.
-Okay.
-[TV theme music plays on phone]
Oh, hey, what are you?
-Oh.
-GREGG: Hey, Scott.
Gregg.
Hi. I'm Noa.
-He loves Lifeguard Fire.
-Ah.
CHARLIE: Obviously, the
fire didn't start itself, Sarge.
Dr. Colette Coco Tyler,
please come to window two.
Dr. Colette Tyler, window two.
-Yup, here I am.
-Yoo-hoo.
-Hey. [laughs]
-Coco. Yoo-hoo.
Why do you keep paging me?
To prove that you're a customer
for Miss Fancy Pants over here.
Okay, so, like, honestly,
I have to know,
how does Fire Chief Kevin
breathe under all of that sand?
And, also, wouldn't the flames
above it turn it to glass?
Like
You're assuming he's on Oahu.
Is Dominic alive?
Ah!
Oh, my God, you guys! Okay.
I am so honored to be helping
the Dr. Coco Tyler,
vet to the stars. Is it true
you helped Pedro Pascal's dog
beat cancer?
-Is it?
-AMBER: Wait. Cokes?
-Huh?
-Seriously?
I'm literally best friends
with Pedro.
-Oh, good.
-Wait. We need to send him a picture.
He's gonna die.
Just be like,
"Stuck at the DMV. LOLs."
-Please don't.
-Didn't kill ourselves.
-I'd love to. I'd love to be fun, but I can't.
-What?
It's, like,
a privacy thing for HIPAA.
And PIPAA. That's the pets.
It's all the IPAAs, really.
I'm gonna I'm gonna come back
when you're not so busy.
Oh, this isn't busy for us.
Which is good, because
we're down a driving examiner.
But how would you know that?
[laughs]
Exactly. But I am in a rush,
so now that
you're done speaking
Amber, it was so nice
to see you again,
and I am just so glad that
we're both thriving so much.
It was really good seeing you,
too.
-Yeah. All the best.
-Hey, babe.
Sorry I'm late.
I had to park the Lambo.
Only handicaps. Hey.
I'm Colette's husband,
Deuce McDougall.
Spelled with two L's.
The only two I've ever taken.
[laughing]
[quietly]:
You're welcome. Ruse king.
[chuckles]
-[exhales] Okay.
-[printer whirring]
Oh, whoopsie. [laughs]
Always use
the farthest printer possible.
If it's convenient,
you're doing it wrong.
Here at the DMV, we like
to slow things way down.
Come with me. Mm.
Come with me slowly.
♪
I'm working at my job,
yeah, that's right ♪
I'm working at my job ♪
I'm completing all the tasks ♪
That are assigned by my boss ♪
-Slower.
-I'm working ♪
I'm working, I'm working ♪
-Too fast.
-Working, I'm working ♪
I'm working at my job ♪
I'm working at my job,
I'm working on my job. ♪
AMBER: I cannot believe
you got married first.
Literally, all our friends
thought she'd be last.
-Well, that's nice.
-Mm. Mm, mm, mm.
But you never know
when love's gonna just
force its way into your life.
-[chuckles]
-Like this guy.
[both chuckle]
My ring is in the shop,
by the way.
-Oh.
-VIC: Yeah, we're adding diamonds to it.
Lab-grown,
'cause my queen hates conflict.
-I do. Yeah mm, no.
-Mm-hmm
Oh, my God. No.
Just feeling a little,
-uh, nauseous.
-Well,
we all know why that is.
'Cause my girl's got
a bun in the ov.
-[laughs]
-Really? Congrats.
-VIC: Surprise.
-COLETTE: Yeah, we're
-expecting a little deuce.
-[laughs]
-Mm
-Got to drop a deuce.
♪
[door closes]
Noa, is that you?
NOA [low voice]:
No. No, no, this is Scott.
From written tests. I'm just
ordering some hamburgers.
Do you want one?
How dare you?
[regular pitch]:
Look, I'm sorry, man, I just
I needed to finish
one registration.
Okay? [stammers]
Do none of these locks work?
Nothing here works.
Except you.
Gregg
-[door opens]
-Gregg
A baby.
-Can I touch?
-Oh
You already are.
I had a feeling,
if I'm being honest,
from the minute I saw you.
-Oh.
-You know, your face is doing that thing
where it's glowing, but
-full.
-Yeah.
You know, I'm just glad
her body still works,
after all that action
she saw in Afghanistan.
-Afghanistan?
-Yeah.
-Afghanistan?
-And Iraq.
And a little Mogadishu.
Yeah. As I think we all know,
my lady here is
a highly decorated vet.
Wait, so,
you're a military vet, too?
Uh-huh, because that
is the other meaning
of the word "vet."
-Yeah. Yeah.
-Mm, yeah. Uh-huh.
Wow. So you're a vet vet.
Yeah, I've been
super busy with the
you know, the training
and the killing, yeah.
From being a Navy SEAL
to saving actual seals.
[laughs] What a crazy ride.
-That's a fun biopic for me to play.
-VIC: Mm-hmm.
Anyway, enough about me.
Look at that.
Looks like your photo's done.
So, I think the next step,
according to info available
to everyone on the DMV portal,
is to print your receipt
and, uh, get you on your way.
-Yay, you.
-Mm, hold on. I don't know,
I feel like this photo's good
for a normal person,
but you're
Charlotte Everett Ocean, right?
I mean, I guess I could do
a fun lip color or something.
-I think it looks fine.
-This is gonna be fun. For everybody.
What are you guys doing?
Why are you being such weirdos?
We are just trying to help.
Well, don't. I mean, this is why
I didn't want Amber to know
I work here in the first place.
I didn't want her to think
that I'm, like, some loser
who obsesses over TV shows
or dresses up to feel cool,
in costumes,
or whose entire life
is the stupid DMV.
Ooh.
-Excuse me, ma'am. First of all
-Yeah. Hey.
thank you for your service.
-Oh. You're welcome.
-And did I also hear
that you're some kind of
superstar vet?
'Cause my dog is sick.
-[whimpering]
-COLETTE: Oh, uh Know what?
-I'm don't really know how to
-AMBER: Oh,
she's the best.
She'll save your woofer.
Come on, Coco. You're on.
BARB: Yeah, Doctor,
why don't you show him
how much better you are
than the rest of us?
Yeah, go for it, babe,
since you're such
an all-star vetrealar
ernarian. [scoffs]
♪
[whimpering]
-[sighs] Uh Mm.
-BURT: Please?
So, I'm gonna start by measuring
this animal's heartbeat,
which any good vet knows is, uh,
you check just right beneath
the, um, the nipples,
and, uh, yeah.
I think I found your problem.
This fella has a lot of nipples.
-Yeah, Pretzel is a she.
-Huh, obvi. Yeah.
Go off, queen.
Now that I have you,
when did this sweet girl
start feeling sick?
-About ten minutes ago?
-Copy that.
So, just crunching
those numbers,
that's, like, 70 dog minutes.
Now that I have, uh, calculated
the onset of
this pooch's illness,
I'm gonna just, uh,
I'm gonna check the tail reflex.
-Yeah. Uh You may
-[barks, growls]
-Oh.
-COLETTE: Ooh. Yep. That worked.
Didn't like that. [weak chuckle]
All systems go in that area.
-[retching]
-Oh.
-That's it, girl.
-[retches]
Get it out, girl.
-[wet sloshing]
-[all groan]
Better out than in.
COLETTE: Okay, well
Someone is feeling better.
-Attagirl.
-[applause]
You good now?
I'll send you the bill.
-Thank you so much, Doctor.
-Eh, don't mention it.
Coco, that was so badass.
-You're like an actual hero.
-Yeah.
I just get paid an absurd amount
of money to play one on TV.
-You're worth it.
-I know.
♪
-[exhales]
-Hey, I'm sorry
I was sneak-working.
Guess I just find it hard
not helping people.
Why? People are terrible.
[chuckles] I know.
I come from a long line
of them. I, um
I don't really like
to tell people this, but I
I grew up very wealthy.
And it wasn't until I got older
that I realized
my family's
massive oil conglomerate
wasn't exactly ethical.
I don't want to be a part of it.
Are they looking for someone
to be a part of that, or?
I wouldn't know.
We haven't spoken
since I left New Zealand.
[sighs] -So you're atoning for
your rich childhood in paradise
by working at the DMV?
The most despised institution
in America.
Look, it just felt like
this is the place
where I can help
a lot of very unhappy people.
Hmm. You know, you remind me
of an idealistic teacher
I once knew.
-Hmm?
-Minus the generational wealth.
[laughs]
[sighs] Well,
I'd better get back in there.
I've got a lot of work to not do
for the both of us.
[laughs softly]
♪
[inhales sharply]
Oh, I got to give these up.
[exhales]
Well, now that Pretzel's
feeling better,
I am finally gonna scoot.
Amber, I would hug you,
but you know,
I'm a bit vomity. [chuckles]
Oh. Just like prom.
[laughs]
Never let me forget. Bye, Amber.
Bye.
Is that someone's ID badge?
♪
-That's me.
-Oh. Yeah. Mine.
[low]:
Hey. What are you doing? Stop.
Your friend might be
a fake lifeguard,
but we're not gonna let you
drown on your own.
We're gonna drown together.
Hey, what's going on, Coco?
Um
Thanks, guys. It's-it's okay.
Uh, Amber
here's the truth.
I work here.
-What do you mean?
-I work at the DMV.
That is me. Yep.
I never applied for vet school.
It's very expensive, and
turns out, it's a lot of birds,
-and I don't like birds.
-Well
if you're happy, I'm happy.
♪
I am happy.
[chuckles]
All three of us are supes happy.
-Aww.
-[chuckles]
Hey, that wasn't a lie.
[chuckles]
-It's just the funniest thing.
-COLETTE: Right.
Because you'd think that
they'd make bikinis fireproof,
-but they don't.
-They-they don't? Wow.
-S-Sorry. Uh
-Hey.
-can we get a photo?
-Aww.
-Sure.
-[Amber chuckles]
S-Sorry, I actually meant you.
Wouldn't have gotten
my license without you, so
-Ah.
-That is a cold fact
that feels much warmer.
-Get in here.
-I'll take it.
-You'll take it?
-Of course.
She did it. She did it. Yay.
Fifth time's the charm.
-COLETTE: Thank you.
-Okay, mouth closed. This isn't prom.
Yes.
-And you are done.
-[exhales] Finally.
I thought I'd be here
the rest of my life.
-[laughs]
-Can you imagine?
Okay, I just have to print
your copy from the printer,
-and you will be on your way.
-Great.
Hey, Gregg?
-Hmm?
-A little help?
Right away.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Now serving
8, 100 and 29
[exhales]
-I'm on it.
-NOA: Mm-hmm.
NOA: Look at him.
So slow.
So beautiful.
-[exhales]
-What is happening?
and TOYOTA.
Captioned by Media Access