Don't Forget the Driver (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Dad.
Dad!
Hello?
Yeah?
She left her donkey.
If you need somebody
Call my name
If you want someone ♪
Well, we did what we could for her.
Did we?
Yes, I I think we can be
proud of ourselves, Kay.
Can we?
We showed her that there are still
decent, compassionate,
humane people in the world.
You wanted her to leave.
No, no.
She had to move on for her own safety.
Then what about the blokes at the door?
She'll find her own way.
If you love somebody ♪
If you love someone
..set them free.
Free, free, set them free ♪
So, um
OK, toast?
- Yeah.
- Not you.
Toast good.
Kayla and me,
we go to work.
Work.
I work?
No, no, no.
You stay here.
Here.
- You don't have to put on an accent.
- I'm not.
She's not stupid.
Yes, um
I work.
- You work?
- I work.
Y-you, in Eritrea?
Yes.
Kayla, she work,
um, she cook foods.
Tssssss.
Tssss. Tssssss.
You?
I am soldier.
Duw-duw-duw-duw-duw-duw
- Good, great.
- Yes.
Soldier.
That's interesting, is-isn't it, Kay?
What?
Um, I
- You run away, yeah?
- Yeah.
Um, man
Er, they
They say I work,
money
Of course.
Um, me and my brother, we
We go.
You need to find him, yeah?
Dad'll fix your phone, yeah?
After work.
- Yeah.
- Fix it.
Kayla and me,
w-w-w-we go.
You stay inside,
door lock,
then I come back
and I sort it "owl" out.
Ah.
"Awll" out.
- "Awll out"?!
- OK.
I don't feel right leaving her.
You just want an excuse not to work.
You stay with her then.
I can't, I have other responsibilities.
You'll be back before long, so
This is bollocks.
Kay, look, she's as safe here
as anywhere.
- She's got food and water.
- She's not a pet.
- I know she's not a pet.
- Do you?
Remember Monty?
Monty wasn't my fault.
Wasn't he?
You left the front door open.
I didn't run him over, though, did I?
Oh, do we have to go
through this again?
You're supposed to be a good driver.
Had any other road kills?
Kayla! You've done it again!
You always
run away from important stuff.
Oh, what? My job isn't important?
Paying the mortgage isn't important?
- What if they come back?
- They've gone, you heard them.
This is bollocks.
Huh, spoken like a true teenager.
I'm 20!
Two A-levels and a BTEC to cook
sausages in a lay-by.
Well, at least you've got a job.
It's nothing though, is it?
It's shit.
- Kay.
- Fuck my life.
- Kay!
- Morning, Kay!
Er, have I done something wrong, Pete?
No, course not.
It's just,
you look like a man with piles.
I am a man with piles.
All right, Lech?
Hello.
Want to swap?
Where are you going?
School run.
No.
Come on!
In my contract, mate. No schools.
Japs, is it?
Pomp and palaces.
- You and Mel?
- Mm.
She's a married woman, Pete.
They're the worst.
Gagging for a change of diet.
Why are you telling me all this, Dave?
Did you hear they've closed
Bracklesham Bay?
Not going anywhere near it.
Three bodies washed up.
That's five in one week, Pete.
New high score.
Where they all coming from, eh, Lech?
Poland?
I don't know.
You wonder, don't you?
If these are the unlucky ones,
where are the lucky ones?
Where've they got to, Pete?
Not my problem, Dave.
- Hurry up, Lech.
- Yes.
Fuck sake.
This is my beach, it's mine.
Konni-chihuahua.
That's a dog, Pete.
- What is?
- Chihuahua's a dog.
Konnichiwa.
Konnichiwa.
Bingo.
I'm English, Mel.
Well, you'd never have guessed.
Oh.
Showtime.
Konnichiwa.
Konnichiwa.
- Konnichiwa.
- Konnichiwa.
Dozo.
Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa.
All right?
Konnichiwa.
Konnichiwa.
Konnichiwa.
Konnichiwa.
No-one's home, leave a message.
Kay, did you
G'day, cocker! It's Bazza!
You there, Pete?
Where are ya, ya big drongo?!
I've got something to tell you.
Pee Wee?
Hello?
Hampton Court Palace is where
Cardinal Thomas Wolsey
..Perpendicular Gothic
Henry VIII
..Divorced, beheaded, died,
divorced, beheaded, survived.
Told you he'd make us come back.
No, you didn't. You said
he wouldn't care.
Shut up, then. Let's get it done.
I told them it was good luck
to give paper money.
Driver?
Yes, sir.
Thank you for driving.
You're welcome.
Question.
William Shakespeare.
Hmm?
I try to read,
I found it very difficult.
Difficult English.
- You?
- Me?
You find Shakespeare difficult?
Driver, can you please
explain blank verse
..iambic pentameter.
Oh, look, Mr Pentameter,
there's a palace tour guide waiting
to take you through the portcullis.
Very good Driver.
- Right, then.
- Let's go.
Wow!
Haven't seen one
of these in ages. Mm?
Yeah, I can see exactly
what the problem is.
It's smashed.
I need my brother, please.
Look
I can't make any promises,
but come back later, OK?
One hour.
One hour.
So they see something, say a building
either it doesn't live up
to their expectations
or it exceeds their expectations,
blows their minds.
And they actually pass out?
You have to sit with them,
head between their legs.
Yeah, it a recognised syndrome,
Pete. Extreme culture shock.
You want another one?
Think I'd burst.
So, what's going on
with you, then, Pete?
You know these people
keep being washed up?
Horrible, isn't it?
- I saw one.
- What?!
One on Bognor Beach, I saw it.
- Alive?
- No, no.
Must have been terrible.
But I didn't do anything.
Well, what could you have done?
Wasn't your fault.
Should have brought salt.
Can't have an egg without salt.
You worry too much, Pete.
Fuck you.
Piece of shit.
Vegetarian. Vegetarian.
Run, run, run, run!
Run, run, run!
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
Have you got anyone in your life
at the minute, Pete?
What do you mean?
I thought you were seeing that woman
whose husband died.
Ah, no, no.
Too complicated.
She's got a son.
You've got a daughter.
Yeah, it's
- It's different. He's he's a bit
- Oi!
What are you doing?
What does it look like?
You can't swim here.
We're cooling our feet!
- Go on.
- It's nothing.
You have to have a licence!
What?
You can't fish without a licence!
Does it look like we're fishing?
It's a bylaw!
You don't own the river!
You'll spook the fish!
- Oh, God
- There ain't any fish, it's the Thames.
I know who you are!
- What?
- I said, I know who you are!
Don't care!
I know who you are!
No, you don't!
I made it very clear,
you're not allowed to fish!
Well, fuck off!
Yeah, why don't you just
please fuck off?!
Not you.
I have to leave, Fran,
it's an emergency.
Just is, yeah.
I'm going. I'm going.
Perpendicular Gothic.
Very good.
Glad to hear it.
This, above all
To thine own self be true
And it must follow
As the night the day
Thou canst not then be false
to any man.
Come on, then, let's beat the traffic.
- We only ever said it was temporary.
- You have to give me notice, Kayla.
- I've left something at home.
- Well, couldn't it wait? - No.
- Oh, for heaven's sake.
- And I ate a sausage. - So?
This girl's a vegetarian.
Look, I couldn't fix it,
so I found you an old phone.
You need to charge it,
it'll take about six hours.
You'll get a text and you've got
to switch it off
- and then switch it on again.
- Thank you. - OK?
Good luck with your brother.
Rita?
Rita!
Rita!
Dad! Someone's broken in!
What? Wait, let me let me just
turn this down.
Can you hear me?
- Kay?
- They've broken in.
- Who has?
- Who do you think?!
They've fucked the front door
and been through the house
- and she's gone.
- Oh
Can you hear me?
Rita, Dad, she's gone!
You should have stayed.
Well, what can I do?
- Call the police.
- Can't call the police, they'll take her.
Think about it, Dad.
She's illegal. Illegal, isn't she?
G-G-Go to your nan's,
I-I-I'll meet you at Nan's.
You have to do something, Dad.
You have to
Oh, my God!
Kay?
Kay?
Kay?
Kay!
Where have you been?
- You scared the shit out of me.
- I win for you.
Look what the bastards have done.
Come on, let's get out of here.
We're going to Nan's.
- Mum? - Barry?
- Peter.
- Nan.
- Rita.
This is not a knocking shop.
King George V
..bugger Bognor.
Mum, are you listening?
The thing is, I have got 20 Japanese
tourists
booked into a medieval banquet
an hour ago.
Does anyone know what this is?
Never seen one before.
- I thought it was me.
- No.
Very interesting trip, Driver.
Beautiful contrast.
Absolutely, sir.
Bugger Bognor.
Konnich-iguana.
I-I'm sorry about all of this, Mel.
The thing is, when I did it,
I didn't realise what I was doing,
and now that I've done it,
I don't really know what to do.
I haven't got time for this, Pete.
Sorry, but this is your problem.
They've already started
the revelling in there.
Where'd you get that?
Bognor.
Have you found your brother?
I wait.
Cool.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
Oh, bollocks.
Agh! Please, come on!
- Came as soon as I could.
- Shit's hit the fan big time.
Are you all right, Rita?
Nice to have your mum back,
though, isn't it, Kayla?
Right.
Mmm!
Kaput.
How do you fancy staying
the night at mine?
Peter, I think you never ask.
Oi, short-arse, you're a slippy
little bastard, ain't you?
- Hello. - Not you, Igor.
- What do you mean?
- I'm looking for my lost property.
- What?
What?!
Do you want a Polski smack?
- A Polski smack?
- Do you?
- Do you?
- Do you even speak English, mate?
- I speak English.
- Move, then.
Lech! Lech!
Lech
Now
Lech! Careful!
- You pull my ears
- No, no, no! Actually, Lech
Lech, come on! Lech! Come on!
Lech!
- I'll kill you!
- Lech!
Ohh
Lech!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Go, Peter! Go, go, go, go, go!
Yes Yes!
Oi! Where is she?
Oi, come back!
You see this hand, Kay?
Hmm.
This is the hand of
a qualified embalmer.
Oh, mate, don't touch me.
And on Monday,
I get to do my first funeral.
And it's very good of
you to take my son back.
He doesn't deserve you.
Um, good son.
They're just boys, aren't they? Men?
They're just boys.
I've never been to a funeral.
We had six of those beach bodies
from last year.
Can I come?
There'll be no-one there.
It's for the council.
That's why they're letting me
have a go.
Should be a giggle.
- Oh. - Good night.
- Night-night.
- Off?
- Mm.
- Night-night.
- Oh, lovely, lovely, lovely.
Peter, I see this man yesterday,
with Squeaky.
No, this man has bigger
fish to fry, Lech.
Peter, this man, Squeaky.
- You know?
- Squeaky's a twat.
Twat?
Early start.
I'll beat the traffic wardens.
Yes.
- Did you hear that?
- Quiet.
- He come back for more.
- What?
We fight, Peter, he come back for more.
- Grab weapon.
- What?
Oh, shit. Shit.
Shit. Shit.
- Ohh!
- Peter, ssh.
- Bastard!
- Get off me!
Leave us alone! We've done nothing
wrong! Just leave us alone!
We've done nothing wrong
Peter!
Pee-Wee?
Barry?!
- Oh
- Peter?
Brothers?
Yes!