Eternally Yours (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

I'm simply saying that two hours
is an exceptionally long time
to spend on one's hair.
I mean, we so rarely get to
attend a formal vampire event,
and now we're very late.
It wasn't just my hair, Charles.
I had to bathe.
By my count,
that's the third one this month.
How clean do you need to be?
Uh, Charles?
CHARLES:
My God.
What happened here?
It was werewolves.
You just missed them.
Oh. So, what do you think
of my hair now, Charles?
- Lovely. Worth the wait.
- Okay.
To protect yourselves
from future attacks,
you must find [wheezes]
the Wolfsbane Chalice.
- [exhales]
- LIZ: Um,
he's dead.
Anyone else in here
clinging to life,
know where or what
the Wolfsbane Chalice is?
Guess not.
♪
LIZ: Okay, we are gonna
leave it there for today.
Please read chapter nine
for next time,
and no, I won't go
to the AEPi formal with you,
Elliot.
Thank you.
Dr. Geltzer,
to what do I owe this,
uh, pleasure?
Well, I just wanted
to let you know
that the department has met
and, uh, well,
you are being considered
for full professorship.
Seriously?
- That's amazing.
- Well, we all agree, it's just
a joy to watch you teach.
I mean, the way you speak
about Napoleonic France--
it's like you were there,
you know? [laughs]
Well, I wasn't. [laughs loudly]
Yeah.
So, do you have any big
Halloween plans for tomorrow?
Oh, yeah. You know, the kids,
they asked us to drop them off
at Cascadia Ridge,
which is, like,
this noted Halloween street.
This is so funny.
We live on Cascadia Ridge.
- Seriously?
- You and your wife
should stop by
for a little drink while the
kids are out trick-or-treating.
It'll be so fun.
We can hand out
- candy and soul cakes.
- I'm sorry.
Soul cakes?
Yeah, you know.
A soul cake, a soul cake,
have mercy ♪
On all souls
for a soul cake.♪
You've never heard the?
Okay, I will text you
the address.
MAX:
Hey, so I couldn't help
but notice that we're
the only house on the block
without any decorations,
which feels kind of
off-brand for a coven.
Yeah, we don't really
celebrate Halloween.
CHARLES: The whole thing
is just offensive.
Bunch of idiots
in plastic fangs,
stumbling over their capes.
Well, excuse me,
my culture is not your costume.
EMMA:
The bigger issue
is that werewolves are
emboldened on Halloween.
'Cause they can assume
their true form and blend in.
Yeah. It's a dangerous night
for vampires.
I mean, you could get your arm
bitten off.
And a lot of those sexy nurses
walking around--
no medical training at all.
That's why we do what, boys?
Stay inside, we must remember,
else our bodies are dismembered.
- My guys.
- So, has everyone heard
the big news?
Our little Mort's got
a hot Halloween date tonight.
- Ooh.
- [Emma gasps]
They're gonna watch
scary movies in the basement.
- Ooh.
- Okay.
- Her name's Mackenzie.
She's so cool.
She's a sophomore,
- she drives.
- Wow. Mort, she's so cute.
Wait. Is that the
background photo of your phone?
Seems like you're coming on
a little strong.
JESSE: Yeah, buddy,
you should probably change that.
It's a little creepy, and that's
coming from an undead monster.
- What?
- It's a figure of speech.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
- MAX: So, uh,
- how'd you ask her out, Mort?
- MORT: It was crazy.
- She asked me out.
- Oh.
She walked over
from the cool-kids table
at lunch.
- Wow.
- [phone plays tune]
Oh, it's her. I should get this.
[clears throat]
Hey, Mackenzie.
You got this, buddy.
So, do you know
this Mackenzie girl, Henry?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Everyone does.
She's super popular.
And she asked Mort out.
- Yeah. She did.
- Huh.
EMMA:
I hate to be the one
to say this,
but are we sure
it's a real date?
And not some mean bet, like a
like a She's All That situation?
Or she's using Mort
to get to Henry.
PHYLLIS:
What a month. First I get
the bubonic plague, and now,
a mean girl is using my son
as bait to land my other son.
Can I suggest
another possibility?
Maybe this girl just sees
the amazing person that is Mort.
Or he's paying her, like
a Can't Buy Me Love scenario?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Definitely, definitely.
- Yeah.
- You're so right.
It's gotta be that.
[indistinct chatter]
Okay, I put a bunch of these
out in the yard.
Spooky, right?
It's like a corpse hand,
clawing its way
out of the ground.
That's not what they look like.
Their flesh would be
far more desiccated.
Oh, but I suppose
the good people
at Party City know better.
- I think it's fun, Max.
- Thank you, Liz.
Uh, also,
I put out a bowl of candy
for people to help themselves,
so we won't even have to deal
- with trick-or-treaters,
Charles. Okay?
- Yeah, I suppose
that's fine.
Are you wearing cat ears, Liz?
What is going on?
Why are we so suddenly
in the Halloween spirit?
I thought we were in agreement
that we were
the creepy lights-out house.
Actually, Charles, we're hosting
Dr. Geltzer and his wife
- for a festive drink tonight.
- Oh.
Your department head? What? Why?
Because I'm up for a promotion.
They're considering me
for a full-time professorship.
MAX:
Oh, my God, that's amazing.
Liz. High five.
Okay.
- Yes.
- CHARLES: This is wonderful, but
when were you planning
on telling me
about us having guests
that I need to entertain?
[doorbell ringing]
When it was too late for you
to weasel your way out of it.
- Okay.
- Please.
This is
a really big opportunity for me.
So, just be nice?
Okay.
Thank you.
And who knows?
You might really like them.
[with accent]:
Good evening.
- [with accent]: I vant
to drink your vine.
- [laughing]
[Glen and Susan laughing]
Hey, what's going on?
Talk to us, Henry.
Mort's date is still a no-show.
Damn it.
Poor guy's going to be crushed.
Guys, this is insane. Someone
stole all the candy I left out.
- They even took the bowl.
- JESSE: I'm sorry. We've got
bigger problems than someone
taking your Tupperware, Max.
It wasn't Tupperware. It was
this really cool old goblet
that I found in the basement.
It's glass,
and the handle was this,
like, silvery wolf's paw thing.
Was the rim adorned
with 16 rubies?
Uh, I mean, there were
some red stones on it.
They were sort of ruby-like.
- EMMA: Oh, my God.
- JESSE: You put out
the Wolfsbane Chalice
as a Halloween decoration?!
- I-I what?
- How could you be
so foolish, Max?
Well, I'm still learning
about all this stuff.
What? What-what is
the Wolfshead Chalice?
The Wolfsbane Chalice, Max,
is an ancient relic
that protects our domicile
from a werewolf incursion.
JESSE:
It being lost
or stolen leaves us
vulnerable to a werewolf attack,
which, we don't have
to explain to you--
or maybe we do-- there is a
heightened risk of on Halloween.
Okay. Uh, what does this mean?
What it means is that we need
to find the chalice
before a werewolf discovers
that it's missing.
EMMA:
Because if they do, we are
in extreme danger.
MORT:
Hey, guys.
Look who just showed up.
It's Mackenzie.
Hey, everyone.
- She's a werewolf.
- Rrr.
[Jesse whimpers]
[eerie music playing on TV]
You can move a little closer
if you want.
I won't bite.
♪
What I want to know is how
that little bitch even sussed
out that Mort's a vampire.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
"Little bitch"?
She's technically a dog, Max.
It's their preferred vernacular.
Guys, this is nuts.
She's just a girl
wearing an admittedly very
convincing Halloween costume.
But if she's a werewolf,
why hasn't she done anything
yet?
Werewolves rarely attack solo.
She's probably a scout
for the pack,
sent to probe our defenses.
I mean, I love my boy,
but this is not adding up.
Henry told me that Mackenzie
dated the quarterback last year.
- [sighs]
- EMMA: Let's just kick her out.
Better safe than sorry.
Before we ruin Mort's date,
is there any way
to find out for sure if
this girl is a werewolf or not?
I mean, yes,
there's the Lupinian Trials.
JESSE:
Yes. Yes.
They're a series
of ancient tests we could run
to prove if someone is
or is not a werewolf.
Then isn't it at least worth
trying to find out? For Mort?
Fine. Let's run the tests,
and see how this bitch does.
I feel like now
maybe you're overusing it.
Okay.
So, tell us a little bit
about you guys.
How long have you been married?
GLEN:
Well, let's see.
[with accent]:
We got married a-one, a-two,
a-three years ago.
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
You know,
because vampires love counting.
Well, some do count,
but, uh, it's not out of love.
It's a compulsion,
a dark affliction.
Would you guys
like a snack?
I could go bring out
a cheese board?
Oh. As long as it's nothing
with garlic.
Okay, that garlic thing is
just a ridiculous stereotype.
Of vampires? They're not real.
LIZ:
Charles, you know how important
this is to me.
Just smile and nod.
CHARLES:
These two. They're no better
than a couple of Prussians.
LIZ: Please. This will
all be over in one hour.
What's going on?
Uh I don't know.
Is the cheese board
not happening?
Sorry to, uh, interrupt.
- Um, no, that's okay.
What's up?
- Oh.
It's just, you guys have been
sitting for a while.
Thought you might want to, uh
[whistling]
go for a walk?
Um no. We're-we're good.
That-That's one of the tests?
What are you writing down?
"Subject's ears
slightly perked up."
- Seriously?
- JESSE: Okay. Not a problem.
- Heads up! Ooh.
- EMMA: Ooh.
- Interesting.
- Yeah.
- Going in.
- JESSE: Okay. Yeah, yeah.
- MORT: Hey,
I really appreciate
you guys coming down here,
- but we're just trying
to watch the movie.
- JESSE: Totally.
- We'll get out of your hair.
- Yeah, speaking of hair,
Mackenzie,
that is such a great costume.
- Do you mind if I just?
- Ow! What the hell?!
Can you guys get out of here?
Yeah, sorry. Go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Did you hear that yelp?
Oh, I heard it. Very lupine.
We need to do something.
Agreed. The coven is in danger.
We must act.
Okay, guys, again,
if you're wrong,
Mort is never going
to forgive you.
Is-is there anything else
we can do
besides kicking Mort's date
out of the house?
We could put the cone on her.
That still won't stop her
from alerting the pack.
Yeah, you're right. That's
the only problem with that idea.
- Or we could tell my dad.
- What?
He's the head of our coven.
We could seek his counsel.
Alert him to the fact
that you put out
the Wolfsbane Chalice
as a vessel to distribute
Fun Sized Butterfingers.
[sighs]
Yeah, okay.
Let's kick her out.
So, Charles, you might
be interested to know
that Glen is actually
working on a book
- about the Seven Years' War.
- Mm.
And that his thesis is
that the Prussians were
to blame.
Oh. You're a disdainer
of the Prussian people?
Well, it may have been fair
to say that in the past,
but my research has taken
a bit of a turn of late.
- Oh, God.
- See, having delved
deeper into the topic,
it is now my contention
that the Prussian empire
has been unfairly maligned.
Oh, really? How so?
Well, take Frederick the Great,
for instance.
One of history's unsung heroes.
Fred? Little Fred?
LIZ:
We don't need to keep talking
about hot-button topics
like Frederick the Great.
"The Great." It was sarcastic.
The air quotes didn't show up
in the history books.
I'm sorry. Where are you getting
your information?
Everyone knows the Prussians
were absolutely responsible
for the Seven Years' War.
Not only that,
they reeked deeply of cabbage.
GLEN:
Okay, I don't know what strange
Reddit holes you've been down,
but I think I know
what I'm talking about.
Oh, you do, do you?
Well, you weren't even there.
- What?
- What he means is,
you weren't there,
we weren't there,
nobody was there.
Right? More Manchego?
- Maybe we should go.
- I think that might be best.
If you'll excuse us,
vee vould like
to be formally invited to leave.
- That's not a thing!
- [sighs]
MORT:
I can't believe you guys!
Why did you just kick Mackenzie
out of our house?
And Emma, why did you spray her
with a water bottle?
Listen, buddy, it seems likely
Mackenzie was
an actual werewolf.
Now,
I know what you're thinking.
How did she get in here
while we're under the protection
- of the Wolfsbane Chalice?
- PHYLLIS: Oh, hey, guys.
Just grabbing some more brandy
for my sangria.
Babe, where did you get
that cup?
Oh, this thing?
I found it outside.
It had candy in it,
but I thought it would
be perfect for my costume.
And you were here
in the house this whole time?
Yep, just drinking alone
in my bedroom.
Well, not alone.
I was playing
Halloween Zoom mah-jongg
with the Panera crew.
[clicks tongue]
Woo-hoo!
Anyway, back to it.
That was the Wolfsbane Chalice, right?
So, if Phyllis had the chalice,
and she was here all night
It means the domicile
was under its protection.
Therefore, Mort's date could
not have been a werewolf.
Well, that's good news, buddy.
She seems great.
So let me get this straight.
You guys thought
it was more likely that
Mackenzie was an actual werewolf
than just a girl who liked me?
It's just, like, the
costume was really realistic.
Her dad's a costume designer.
He worked for Lucasfilm.
Oh, my God.
That's actually really cool.
MORT:
It is! She's really cool!
And she liked me,
and you guys ruined it.
I'm so sorry, son.
Well, that's not going
to get her back, is it?
Mort?
I mean, I did say I didn't think
she was a werewolf.
Yeah. Sorry.
Oh, that's sort of fun,
washing dishes.
Ah, we don't get
to do that very often.
Charles, I don't really want
to be around you right now.
Oh, Liz.
One hour.
That's all I asked of you.
You couldn't just suck it up,
play nice.
I mean, I tried,
but that man was insufferable.
- You are insufferable.
- [sighs]
- All you ever care about
is yourself.
- Okay.
How about just sacrificing
for me for once?
Oh, come on.
So what if you get a promotion?
- [scoffs]
- I'm sorry,
but we'll just have to move
in a few years,
like we always do.
And then you'll get another job,
and we'll move again.
And eventually,
we'll see the sun explode.
And I don't know
what will happen after that.
We'll just be floating about
in a big void, I suppose,
which is
It's honestly
sort of terrifying.
So that's why you acted
like that?
Because none of this matters?
Because my promotion
doesn't matter?
I'm just saying,
in a big-void scenario
Well, it matters to me, Charles.
That should be enough.
Wait.
I
Liz? Liz?
Remember,
any of these trick-or-treaters
could be werewolves
in disguise.
We have to stay vigilant.
You know, not that Mort's love
life isn't very important to me,
but maybe we should just do this
tomorrow, or really,
any other night that
we're not at a heightened risk
for dismemberment?
No. We have to speak
with Mackenzie tonight.
First thing tomorrow,
she's going to go to school
and tell all her friends
what happened.
And they're going
to tell their friends.
Next thing you know,
Mort's gonna be a pariah,
like we thought
he was initially.
[animal howling]
Why didn't we just bring
the chalice?
Unfortunately,
it's strictly for domiciles.
- You can't roam with it.
- [laughs]
Bro thinks
it's a Wolfsbane to-go mug.
- Just hear us out.
- Mom!
Look, all we wanted
to say was
Gotcha.
- What?
- JESSE: The keys,
the tennis ball.
We were just
messing with you.
You know,
'cause of the costume.
MAX:
It's a classic
Halloween trick.
Most people do treats, but we're
just kind of random like that.
- No, no!
- JESSE: Mackenzie,
please don't hold this
against Mort.
He had nothing to do with it.
- And we know it went too far.
- EMMA: Yeah, I never should have
threatened you with a spray
bottle, or called you a bitch.
- You called me a bitch?
- No.
- Can you guys please leave?
- MAX: Yeah. Sorry.
We're going.
[animals howling]
Actually, uh, can we
can we just come in,
uh, until, like, dawn?
Oh, my God. Get out of here.
- GLEN: Oh!
Let us in, please!
- [knocking]
- GLEN: Oh.
- LIZ: Hi.
- GLEN: Oh.
- [Susan whimpers]
LIZ:
Oh, my goodness.
Are you guys okay?
- What happened?
- [coughs] I-I'm not sure.
There was a
a bat chasing us for blocks.
We couldn't get rid of it.
It's almost like it funneled us
right to your door.
- A bat? How strange.
- And then Susan whacked it
with her purse.
And then, it ricocheted off
a lamppost and landed in a bush.
But then it just kept coming.
Hey.
You guys are back. What a
what a pleasant surprise.
Um, perhaps we could give
this evening another try.
- LIZ: Mm-hmm.
- Uh
you know, it is kind of late,
and I'm sure the bat is, uh,
probably gone by now.
Yeah, we-we should go.
Uh, but before you do,
I really need to apologize.
Um, Glen I read some of your
academic publishings online.
They were erudite
and well-reasoned.
And they convinced me
that the Prussians were indeed
a wonderful people.
GLEN:
Wow. Thank you. I mean,
- it's so big of you to say that.
- CHARLES: Yeah, for instance,
they invented having to fill out
forms for everything,
which was cool.
LIZ:
And, uh, Frederick the Great?
Oh, he was awesome.
And his subjects smelled
so normal.
Well, I, for one,
admire a person
who can admit
when they're wrong.
And so
- [with accent]: vee vill stay.
- [laughs]
- Oh.
- Vunderful.
[laughing]:
Oh, nice.
Close. It's a little deeper
in the throat.
- Is it?
- GLEN: Right, and the laugh.
The laugh's really
what sells it, so
Ah.
Ah-ha-ha-ha.
GLEN:
Hey!
- There it is. [laughs]
- Ah! [laughs]
SUSAN:
Bravo.
Look, here's the good news.
I mean, we move cities
every four or five years,
so the humiliation--
it really has an end date.
Cool. That's helpful.
[knocking]
Hey, buddy. Can we come in?
Why?
You guys already apologized
- for chasing Mackenzie
out of here.
- EMMA: Yeah.
Unfortunately, we have a new
Mackenzie-related offense
to apologize for.
Uh, we went over to her house
to explain our actions.
We had this, honestly, like,
kind of clever explanation
about how we were doing a trick
instead of a treat.
Mm-hmm. But it didn't work,
and possibly inflamed
the situation even more.
Wait. You guys went
to Mackenzie's house?
Yeah. We know, we blew it.
You guys went out
on Halloween?
The most dangerous night
for vampires to venture out
and risked possible
dismemberment
for me?
Yeah, we felt terrible
for ruining your date.
We never should have
doubted you, son.
And I know this feels bad
right now.
But someone else is going
to come along,
because
you are an incredible guy.
- Thanks, Dad.
- All right, buddy.
[phone chimes]
Oh, hey, it's Mackenzie.
- She wants to hang out again.
- Dude,
- hell yeah.
- That's great, Mort.
- MAX: Wait.
- So our apology
actually worked?
- MORT: No.
But she says
her family is really weird, too,
so she gets it.
Yeah, I mean I guess
we did act pretty weird,
doing all those werewolf tests
on her.
[laughing]:
Yeah, we were.
No, she doesn't really care
about that.
These are more observations
about you guys.
- Like what?
- Okay. Again,
these aren't meant
for you to hear, but
Yeah, we can take it.
She's kind of ragging
on your car, Dad.
The Challenger? It's badass.
Uh, she says it's douchey.
"It's giving desperate, aging
frat boy trying to stay young."
I am young.
I am forever young.
Ooh, that's brutal. [laughs]
MORT:
And Emma,
she says your whole "avoidant,
detached, cool girl facade,
"combined with Max's needy
puppy-dog energy,
is a recipe for disaster."
She gives you
three months, tops.
- Ooh.
- MORT: Yeah.
- It's kind of a twofer.
- It's efficient.
Also, Emma,
she thinks you walk weird.
Anyway, I'm going
to go grab a snack.
Thanks for doing this for me,
guys. It means a lot.
- [phone chimes]
- [Mort laughs]
Damn. She is not letting up
on your weird walk.
That girl is mean.
I feel emotionally dismembered.
Who does that Mackenzie girl
think she is,
- questioning our relationship?
- Yeah.
We're definitely gonna last
longer than three months.
She doesn't get it.
We're going
to be dating so long,
we're going to show up
at her deathbed holding hands.
Oh. And then she'll be like, "I
was so wrong about Max and Emma.
Also, why haven't they aged?"
[both laugh softly]
She walks weird.
Oh, so clompy, right?
- Oh. [gasps]
- I believe these are yours.
Oh, Charles.
- Last night was incredible.
- Mm.
So now it's birthdays
and holidays?
- Holiday.
- I'll take it.
Aah.
My head is pounding.
Those Halloween Zoom
mah-jongg Panera gals
can really get after it.
- That's wonderful, Phyllis.
- [Liz clears throat]
PHYLLIS:
Oh, shoot. The sangria cup
was not dishwasher-safe.
[Liz gasps]
- Dear God.
- Is that the?
- CHARLES: Oh.
- PHYLLIS: Oh, don't worry.
I can get one
just as good at Party City.
And it'll be on sale now
after the holiday.
Win, win, win.
- CHARLES: Oh! Okay.
- Oh.
CBS
Captioned by