Everybody Still Hates Chris (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
- There's a moment
in every boy's life
when he becomes a man.
And in that moment
is when he realizes
that instead of buying cologne,
he can just rock free samples
from inside men's magazines.
If I wear this, I'm going home
with at least four numbers.
That's that good musk.
- We're gonna pull
all kinds of ladies
at Spiegelman's party tomorrow.
I heard the last one, they
played Manishewitz bong.
- I can't believe
we got invited.
- So we actually didn't.
- Then why am I rubbing
Billy Dee's balls
all over my neck?
- First of all, his
name is Lando.
And relax, I
overheard Spiegelman
talking about it when I
was stuffed in a locker.
Overhearing is
basically an invitation.
- And Greg was
basically a loser.
- But he said there's
gonna be a ton of food,
it could go all weekend,
and Spiegelman's cousins
are coming from
Connecticut the girl cousins.
Out-of-town girls
love to put out.
- Good enough for me.
I just need to get
permission from my mom.
Wait. Is it seriously 7:25?
If I break curfew,
I'll need permission
from my mom to breathe again.
- I'd have my dad give you
a ride, but this time of night,
he's parked somewhere,
crying in his car.
No one respects me.
These white folks were acting
like I was the scariest thing
in the neighborhood.
- I wasn't.
Uh
- You lost?
- That's what the
Native Americans said
when you showed up.
- You take that
train right there,
and you get back
to where you belong.
- I better never
see you here again.
- The KKK in NYC?
All I could think was, GTFO.
While I was running
from the Klan,
Drew and Tonya were
wait, they're at the movies
while I'm running from the Klan?
- Finally, "Karate Dad 2."
I can't believe it's been six
weeks since the first one.
- There's nothing my dad
loved more than a B movie,
but those were expensive.
So we went to C movies.
Daddy, do I really have to see
the same movie as you guys?
- Why, baby? Do you want to see
"Adrienne Goes to Camp" instead?
- Uh, yeah.
You know how much I love
the other Adrienne movies.
"Adrienne Goes to Space,"
"Adrienne Goes to War,"
"Adrienne Goes to Tampa."
- Drew also liked C
movies, but he loved having
his very own action hero more.
- Dad, you would
kick that alien's ass,
which I guess is also his mouth.
- You got that right.
I would put my foot
all up in that ass-mouth.
Why is this light on?
That's 4 yen
worth of electricity.
- Wax on, lights off.
- I don't know how to tie a tie.
- We're here to stop you
from being such a good dad.
- If I don't survive,
take my place
as the protector of our family.
Your older brother is useless.
Gah!
- I can't believe Tonya wanted
to see "Adrienne Goes to Camp."
- She didn't.
- It's so scandalous
that you're my fiancé's brother.
- Our love can never be.
- Yes, it can!
- Shh.
- You shush.
- I couldn't let my
mom find out about
my run-in with the KKK,
or that would mean
no Spiegelman party.
- Cutting it close, Chris.
Two more minutes,
and I would have opened
a can of sleepy time whup-ass.
- I was gonna call
collect, but I knew
you wouldn't accept the charges.
- At $0.54 a minute?
Do you want your
father to leave me?
- Good point, Mom.
Well, I'm gonna go wash up.
- Wash up?
Are you a 45-year-old
banker having an affair?
What's going on with you?
- Nothing.
Well, good night.
Why do you smell like
the old guy at the club?
- I was at Greg's.
You know that's
his signature scent.
- Chris, tell me
what's going on.
- Nothing.
- Well, Greg already told me.
- How?
Greg wasn't with me
when I ran into the KKK.
- The KK-what?
- Oop. Damn it.
- In New York City?
- I know.
How do they keep those sheets
white in these grimy streets?
- You think this is a joke?
- No, I
- Go to your room.
- Mom, it wasn't
as bad as you think.
- Boy, I said go to your room.
We'll deal with this tomorrow.
Well, so much for meeting
Spiegelman's girl cousins,
Shalom, Shoshana,
Liat, and Tamar.
I'm renaming my left hand Leah.
- What a great movie.
How about that scene where
Karate Dad beat the villain
with his baby's car seat?
- And he still made it to
his colonoscopy on time.
- Or when the woman realizes
she was marrying a good boy,
but she wanted a bad boy
at camp?
- What the hell kind of
camp did Adrienne go to?
- Can I help y'all?
- How did your head
all: Get so shiny? ♪
So shiny.
- A big thing in the
'80s was a cappella,
singing without instruments.
But if these boys
messed with my dad,
they'd be singing without teeth.
- Just get off my stoop.
- Hmm.
- Nah, man.
Are you hearing
these acoustics? ♪
- You do not want
to mess with my dad.
- Oh, is that so?
Ah!
- Damn, he flinched.
Mr. Potato Head flinched.
- That was the first time
Drew saw our dad get punked.
He went from Karate Dad to
The Flincher!
- Come on.
- We're going inside.
- I knew I wasn't
leaving the house again
until Martin Luther
King's dream came true,
so I was getting comfortable
with the idea of
sitting my Black ass
on my bed for the rest of
- Chris, get your
Black ass in here!
- Is this for me?
- Oh, dang it.
I forgot your favorite cereal.
- Mmm. This food is amazing.
Wait. Is Grandma sick?
Did Chris call you collect,
and now Daddy's leaving?
Is El DeBarge dead?
- No, that ain't for you.
If you want something,
there's a store
around the corner.
- What's the
occasion? My funeral?
- The occasion is me
taking care of my baby
after what he went
through yesterday.
Now, hurry up and eat.
I borrowed Nessa's car,
and we're going to the arcade.
- If this was gonna
be her reaction,
I was gonna play the KKK card
all the way to
Spiegelman's party.
- Drew, there's a 2:00 PM
showing of "Chef Assassin."
If the bullets don't kill
you, the seasoning will.
Wanna go?
No, I'm all right.
- But he kicks ass
in three courses.
- I just want to
get a head start
on next month's homework.
- Really? Well, if you
change your mind,
you know where to find me.
What's going on with him?
- Seeing that sexy movie
awakened a desire in Tonya
she'd never felt before: desire.
all: Ooh, bah-dah ♪
- Excuse me.
Me and my long-lost
sister are trying to catch up.
- Can you just leave him alone?
- Who's gonna make
us, your flinching dad?
Ooh, now that's a jam, fellas.
all: You got a flinching dad ♪
Your daddy's a flinch ♪
- Turns out my sister was
like every other girl I knew.
She had a soft spot for
light-skinned brothers
who could sing.
- Wow.
Come on, sis.
- So I'm thinking
"Donkey Kong" first,
then "Punch-Out," "Ms.
Pac-Man" for the lady
- Hold up, you thought we were
here to play some video games?
- Yeah.
- I told you I was
gonna take care of you.
So today, you're
enrolled in your mama's
You Ain't White Academy.
- My mama's what?
- Lesson one: don't ever
be the only Black boy
in a group of white
kids acting up,
'cause when things go down,
they'll never have your back.
- Is there a GED
for this school?
- There's a GET your ass whupped
if you don't pay attention.
Focus!
- Well, so much for the arcade.
If I wanted to go to
Spiegelman's party,
I'd have to do
like I did in school
and say what the
teacher wanted to hear.
Thank you, Mother,
for the opportunity
to soak up your wisdom.
You know, the world is
scarier than ever for
young Black men
- You trying to play
me in my borrowed car?
You know, this is about more
than just one
ugly guy in a hood.
- What makes you
so sure he's ugly?
- If you look like
Robert Redford,
you don't cover your face.
Besides, a bigger problem
than a fool in bed sheets
are the racists who
seem like regular people.
- She means Americans.
Mom, I learned this in school.
- Well, I lived it,
in South Carolina, in the '50s.
I saw some things, boy.
OK.
What's the next lesson?
- You hungry?
I got a egg sandwich
coming your way.
Ow, ow! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
Ooh, ow! Hot, hot, hot!
If I don't survive, you
must take my place
as the protector of our family.
- How about I make you
an egg sandwich, Dad?
- No, I got it.
- No, I'm stepping up.
It'll be a flinch
I mean, cinch.
- Wait, is that why you've
been acting all funny-style?
You just kind of backed down
with those singers.
- Son, being strong isn't
about hitting people or
Meep, meep, meep,
meep, meep, meep, meep, meep,
meep, meep, meep, meep, meep.
Are you even listening?
- It's cool. I'm not
even hungry anymore.
- Have you lost
respect for meep?
- OK, lesson 12:
a lot of people think
shoplifting is no big deal,
and it's not if you're white,
which, as we've
discussed, you ain't.
If you shoplift, you
better make sure
you're ready to do 50 to life
over a pack of Nutter Butters.
- Excuse me, that lady just
- Lesson 13: mind
your damn business.
♪
- Traffic, weather and
"Rhapsody in Blue"
every ten minutes.
- Hey.
- It's not what you
want to listen to.
It's what the cop
wants to listen to
in case you get pulled over.
That's lesson 23.
- I'm not gonna get pulled over.
- Lesson 24: yes, you will.
- But I didn't do anything.
- Half of jail
didn't do anything.
Both hands on the
wheel. Look confident.
I didn't say cocky.
Wallet on the dash.
Keep them hands on the wheel.
- How can I
- When the cop walks
up, make eye contact,
but don't eyeball him.
- What? That doesn't make sense.
- Take a deep breath.
Nessa? You're a cop?
- No, I'm an actor.
I studied at the distinguished
Nipsey Russell's Junior College
of Night School and
Auto Repair and yeah.
I played my role, Chelle.
Give me my car back.
- No, Nessa! Drive, Chris.
Boy, just drive!
- Give it back!
Ooh, these extensions
hitting me all up in my eye, oh.
- I can't believe you
had Nessa do that.
What's next, sending in
someone to rob this place?
- If Jerome would have
done it for $10, yes.
- This is stressing
me out like real school.
- What can I get you?
- A cheeseburger and a Coke.
- Just a strawberry shake.
- He'll take a Coke.
Don't forget, you ain't white.
You're Blacktose intolerant.
- All right, I'll
call you guys up.
- Thanks.
And?
- Um, thanks for your business.
Hambur bye.
- The receipt, Lenny.
Proof of purchase.
- I'm gonna have
to reload the roll.
- I'll wait.
- This. This is what
I want from you.
- That's when we both realized
I was crushing You
Ain't White Academy.
- Up next, graduating at
the top of his class, Chris.
- That's my baby!
- Calm down. That's my baby too.
- That's my baby!
- Bitch, calm down!
That's my baby too.
- Chill. You messing
up my rhythm.
Congrats, baby.
- But this is how I was feeling.
- Chris is at my party?
Tonight just got way cooler.
- You're welcome.
- Chrissy, you promised
we'd Cabbage Patch.
Got to go, Spiegs.
Booty calls.
Here, sweet thang.
Hold my receipts.
- Well, here's a new
dance that can't be matched ♪
So just step to the floor
and do the Cabbage Patch ♪
- Uh, cheeseburger
and two Cokes.
- Hey, that's mine.
- You got proof of
purchase, punk?
'Cause I do.
- Excuse me, gentlemen,
our bubble bath
won't run itself.
- Mm, these boys got some soul.
- Yeah.
- Mm, just what my
grieving heart needs.
all: His flinching face,
how scared was he ♪
- Uh, the man
flinched. Get over it.
all: He pissed his pants ♪
- With pee ♪
- These boys are distracting.
They are making me
mess up my appointments.
- And all this a cappella is
why my fruit sales are down.
Definitely that, not 'cause
they're three weeks expired.
- Somebody's got to do something
about this musical terrorism.
- All right, fools, show's over.
I got a bristle with
your name on it.
- What are you doing?
- It's OK. I got this.
- Well, well, well,
if it isn't the Flinch.
- I didn't flinch.
I was stepping
in front of my kids.
I ain't scared of none of y'all.
- Oh, you want to go?
- No, I was explaining that
- Then let's do it.
Me, me, me
versus you, you, you ♪
- Yeah, get 'em, Julius.
Beat these guys up for
messing up my very fresh fruit.
I hate to do this,
but if I win, you
boys leave this block.
- No!
I mean, go, Dad.
- Drew was happy someone
was finally standing up
to these harmonizing
bullies, but he wasn't sure
if my dad was the one to do it.
This was cool, Ma.
You taught me a lot.
I appreciate it.
- Well, you're a great student.
Why don't you do
better in school?
- Hey, so since we're
in the car already,
think you could give
me a ride to this kid
Spiegelman's party?
- Spiegel-whose what now?
- There's a party the kids
from school are going to.
- Did I not get through to you?
- You did.
I'm fully prepared to
attend this party safely.
- If you were fully
prepared, you wouldn't go.
I can't let you go
to a white kid party
in a white neighborhood.
- But you make me
go to a white school
in a white neighborhood.
- Well, maybe you shouldn't.
Maybe your ass should
stay next to me 24/7
so I can keep my eye on you.
- I have to be on lockdown
just 'cause you're scared?
- Because you're
not scared enough.
You know what?
You're never leaving
the house again.
- Then I'll never
speak to you again.
- Ha, whatever. I'd rather have
a mute living boy than
a dead talking one.
- Fine.
- Where are you going?
Chris, come back here!
He is not doing this.
Chris!
- Julius, do you know
where I put Whoopi Goldbelt?
- Whoopi Goldbelt?
Who's about to get
they ass whupped?
Are you mad about something?
- What makes you think I'm mad?
- Uh, nothing at all, baby.
Are you?
- I'm mad. I'm scared.
I'm all of it, Julius.
- What's going on, baby?
- Chris jumped
out the car and left.
- He what?
- I was trying to teach
him some life lessons,
but then he got upset
because I wasn't gonna
let him go to some white party
in some white
neighborhood late at night.
He's he's not
ready for all of that.
- He's growing up.
We can't keep him
locked in his room forever.
- I know that, Julius.
I would never suggest
something like that.
But what if something
happens to him out there?
- Look, you've prepared him.
You've prepared all our kids.
But sometimes, we just
got to let them live their lives
and hope that what
we've done is enough.
If there's a problem,
we'll handle it, together.
- Look at you, being all wise.
- I try. Now, excuse me.
I got to go fight
some teenagers.
- Julius is gonna beat your ass.
- But just your
ass, not your face.
Not that I care.
- Dad, are you sure
this is a good idea?
- Yeah, you can't flinch
your way out of this.
All right. Go ahead.
Throw your best punch.
♪
Come on. He flinched.
He flinched again.
No, you threw a horrible punch.
Hopefully, your friends
can punch better than you.
- Yeah! Nope.
- Whoa.
- Even if you had
landed that punch,
you probably would
have broken your hand.
The only thing he
can hit is high notes.
- Oh, snap.
- Ball up your fist like this,
and then plant your leg.
That'll give your
swing more power, son.
- Oh, dang, you just
moved him like a paperclip.
- Being strong is
only half the battle.
You also got to know
when to use that strength.
That's what makes
someone powerful.
Now, will you guys
please find another stoop?
- All right, boys. all:
Let's bounce ♪
- I haven't fed my cat in days.
- In that moment, Tonya
knew she'd never fall
for a light-skinned
brother again.
♪
- I'm gonna go for a jog.
- Oh, Dad, should we
watch "Karate Dad 3,"
"Son of Karate Dad,"
or what about
"Dick Buttless, PI"?
- Do I even have to say?
both: "Dick Buttless, PI."
- I've got to get my own TV.
- Hey, Buttless,
get your ass in here!
- I would if I could, Captain.
- You OK, Rochelle?
- Oh, yeah. I'm fine.
I'm not even
thinking about Chris.
Chris?
- Hello. You have
a collect call from:
- Mom, I'm sorry.
You were right.
- To the accept
charges, press 1.
Chris! Chris!
- Hello. You have
a collect call from:
- I shouldn't have
left the car, OK?
- To accept the
charges, press 1.
- Hello. You have
a collect call from:
- I'm so sorry, Mama! I'm sorry!
- Chris, Chris,
Chris. Slow down.
I accepted the charges.
both: You did?
- I know today was a lot.
It's just if something happened
because I didn't do enough
I overreacted.
- No, you didn't.
I thought about
how much you worry.
And after today, I get why.
♪
- I shouldn't have run off.
I'm coming home.
- No, you go to the party.
You're gonna be OK.
- Wait. Are you sure?
- I don't know, but I trust
you to handle yourself.
- Well, I had a great teacher.
- You're damn skippy.
- Thanks for taking
the time today, Ma.
I love you.
- I love you too.
And I'm gonna
lovingly beat your ass
if you're not home by 10:30.
And no shortcuts.
I don't want you running
into any more KKK men.
- What-what-what men?
- Let's get this party started.
- We are so gonna lose
our virginities tonight.
- You must be Murray's
friends from school.
And you came to show
respect for my mother.
What little mensches you are.
- Wait, I went through
all of this for a funeral?
- There's three
kinds of herring
pickled, creamed, and smoked.
Help yourself.
You smell nice,
like my late husband.
He was a brother.
- I guess I couldn't say
the cologne didn't work.
Thanks a lot, Billy Dee.
- Everybody hates Chris ♪
- Hey, did you see
a skinny Black kid
here the other night?
- I did, and I'll tell you
the same thing I told him.
Get lost.
- Oh, I'm going.
Just wanted to
make sure it was you.
The sheet makes
you all look the same.
- A beating ♪
- A beating ♪
- A beating ♪
- Plant your back
foot and swing, boys.
all: A, a, a, a foot
All up in, in, in your ass ♪
- Just a little.
- MTV ♪