Family Affair (1966) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Well, what's the secret?
The secret is we have to get out of Mr.
French's hair.
Like Cissy got out of your hair.
Out of my hair?
Yes, sir.
Did Cissy tell you that?
Yes, sir.
Who ever gave her an idea like that?
Begging your pardon, sir, you did.
I'm sorry, sir, but the children insisted
on making shambles of your newspaper,
sir, while trying to find the so-called
funnies.
As it occurred to you, tomorrow is the
first day of school.
No, sir.
Up to now, this has been a matter of total
disinterest.
Well, it is.
We have to figure out where they go.
Maybe Cissy's got some ideas.
In fact, Miss Cissy went to the grocery,
sir.
I suspect there's some added attraction
beyond the canned goods.
What?
Oh, nothing, sir.
Uh-huh.
Um, I wouldn't worry about
Cissy, if I were you anyway, sir, we're bound
to find a good private school for the young lady.
Ah, excuse me, sir.
I've just been talking to Miss Faversham, and she
suggested Miss Haycroft's school for young ladies, sir.
It's only 50 miles from London.
London?
Yes, sir.
And if my memory serves me correctly,
the daughter of the Duke of Linsley
attended Miss Haycroft and later
married into the family of Lord Dinsmore, sir.
French, I don't want to get her married
off.
I just want to get her into school
tomorrow.
I'm not going to separate those kids again
unless it's their own choice.
As you wish, sir.
In that case, we'll have to find something
closer.
Yeah, like in the neighborhood.
You know, where she can come home for
lunch and see Buffy and Jody in the evenings.
Yes, sir.
Miss Favisham is a very knowledgeable
governess.
She also mentioned the Briarfield School.
Ah, where is that?
Connecticut.
Well, you're getting closer.
Established in the 18th century,
sir.
I understand that's considered rather aged
by North American standards.
Oh, it sure is.
18th century.
I don't know what they're doing by now.
Well, good morning, Cissy.
Good morning.
Uncle Bill, I just heard.
School starts tomorrow in New York City.
Yeah, we know.
Buffy and Jody went to kindergarten in Terre
Haute, so they'll be entering the first grade.
Mm-hmm.
Now the question is, what are we going to
do with you, huh?
Well, I hear Lexi High is a good school,
and it's right over on Lexington.
I could walk.
French just mentioned a private school in
Connecticut.
I mean, if you like that sort of thing.
You mean one of those where you live at
school?
Yeah.
Well, you come home weekends, I guess.
Sure.
Oh, excuse me, sir.
Oh, I'll get it.
That's Freddy delivering the groceries.
Freddy?
To be sure.
Oh, sir.
Freddy.
Hi, Freddy.
Hi.
We don't usually deliver on Sunday, but in
your case Freddy, Lexi is a good school, isn't it?
Good?
Why, we won the city basketball
championship last season.
Hello, Mr. Davis.
Hi, Freddy.
How's your mother?
She's fine.
Got a real nice girl here, Mr. Davis.
Yeah, yeah, we think so.
I'm glad you two met.
Cissy's kind of a stranger in town,
you know.
She won't be for long.
Not after I show her around Lexi.
Oh.
Say, what about Lexi?
She's the greatest.
We have kids from penthouses and we have
kids from basements.
Do they teach you anything?
Sure, the works.
Things you can use, too.
Like English and gymnasium and shops.
The girls take home economics.
Excuse me, I gotta hurry back.
Cissy, you get a minute this afternoon.
Stop by, I'll fill you in on the teachers
who are soft touches.
So long, Mr. Davis.
How'd you meet Freddy?
I'm not sure.
I was trying to help Mr. French with
shopping and before I knew it,
Freddy was carrying the 10 pounds of
potatoes.
Well, I better fix my hair if I'm going
out to the grocery again.
Hi, big day.
Five customers.
Freddy, I don't know about Lexi.
What else is there?
Trade school?
Private school.
You kidding?
Lexi's good enough for anybody.
That isn't the idea.
You see, the three of his kids were dumped
on Uncle Bill.
He's a bachelor.
We've made his life kind of a turmoil.
I think he'd welcome me living at school
all week.
Only he's too nice to say so.
Uncle Bill, why can't I go back to
kindergarten?
We're too old, Jody.
We have to go to first grade.
I like sandboxing single paints.
Well, sure you do, but now
you're going to learn how to
read and write and all kind
of good things like that, see?
And what about you?
You make up your mind whether it's going
to be Briarfield or Lexi High?
Whatever you say, Uncle Bill.
Miss Cissy, a school like Briarfield
prepares you for becoming a young lady.
You will emerge from its Ivy-covered halls
ready to take your place in society.
Yeah, if you like that sort of thing.
Oh, and I've investigated the living
accommodations very carefully,
and they're quite satisfactory.
Uncle Bill, I don't want Cissy to move
away again.
Well, she's not going to move away,
Jody.
She's just going to go away to school for
a while.
She'll come home every weekend.
Besides, it's a very nice school.
Thanks, Uncle Bill.
Let's say it's Briarfield.
You sure now?
I'm sure.
Okay.
I'll take you up there tomorrow morning
myself.
Oh, I've got that conference with the
Kabul and company at 9 O'clock.
Well, we'll postpone it for a couple
hours.
Oh, Uncle Bill, don't bother.
I can take the train.
I'll find Briarfield by myself.
Oh, not on your life.
You won't.
I want to see what you're getting into.
Now, that leaves you, French.
You can take Buffy and Jody to school to
register tomorrow.
Me, sir?
Who else?
Bill, I can't believe it.
No, I just can't believe it.
They've come all the way from Afghanistan
just to hear our proposals.
Of course, I'll do the best I can.
But, uh, how do you tell Cabool and
Company that Davis of Davis and Gaynor is
going to escort his 15-year-old niece to
school?
Good morning.
Good morning.
Good morning, gentlemen.
Good morning, Mr. Gaynor.
I must apologize for Mr. Cabool.
He's been unavoidably detained for a few
hours.
Oh?
It seems he must escort his daughter to
the American school for the first date.
He's a very good father.
Oh, well, I understand, gentlemen.
Have a seat.
Now, you got everything?
Yeah.
Okay, well, if you find out you need
something else when you get up there,
just go out and buy it, or else call us, and
then we'll get it for you, and we'll send it up to you.
Okay.
Well, sir, how'd you like them?
I think they're rather well turned out.
I feel like I'm good for Sunday school,
not Monday school.
He's kind of on the formal side,
don't you think, Frank?
Oh, dear me.
No, sir, no, sir.
First impression's the most important.
Come on, kids, let's go now.
The names are Buffy and Jody Davis.
Buffy?
That's a very odd name, Mr. Davis.
My name is Mr. French.
Mr. Davis is our uncle.
Residing at 600 East 62nd Street.
Now, madam, may we please continue with
the registration?
Very well.
Well, do you have their birth
certificates?
Oh, I'm afraid not.
Birth certificates are required,
Mr. French.
It's a rule of the system.
These children were born, madam.
They did not pop out of the ground.
We were born into a hut.
Together.
We're boy and girl twins.
I'm the boy.
She's the girl.
Oh, very well.
Mr. Davis will acquire the certificates,
madam.
Now, I suggest that you register
these children first grade, if you please.
Very well.
We'll make an exception since they're from
out of town.
But you will have Mr. Davis send in the
birth certificates as soon as possible.
Now, have they been vaccinated?
Oh, uh, have you?
Sure.
What am I on?
I got it here.
Never mind.
We will assume that they have been
vaccinated.
Now, uh, at our school At our school, we have
two sessions, Mr. French, morning and afternoon.
Which do you prefer?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, would it be possible for them to
attend both, madam?
No, I'm afraid not.
Let's take a look at the afternoon
session.
That would be good.
Then in the morning, we can help Mr.
French with the dusting.
And the ironing, and the washing,
and the vacuuming.
I am Mr. Davis's.
Gentleman's gentleman, madam.
Oh, really?
I've never met one before.
He's like Kilda, the housekeeper lady back
home.
Only Mr. French wears pants.
Oh, dear.
The afternoon class seems to be filled.
It'll have to be the morning.
They can be picked up at 1 O'clock.
Barbara, will you take the Davis children
to 183, room 204, please?
Just a moment, please.
Now, children.
Children, I shall return at precisely 1 O
'clock.
You are not to move away from the school
grounds.
Do you understand?
Thank you.
Come, children.
Bye, Mr. French.
Madam, I suggest that you start them on
their first Latin lessons as soon as possible.
There may be all sorts of languages in
their class, Mr. French, but I'm afraid no Latin.
Well, I sure appreciate you coming.
Keep an eye on her, Mrs. Hedgerup.
At least she gets kind of used to living
in school.
Oh, well, I'll get along fine here,
Uncle Bill.
It's a beautiful place to live.
Sure, it's pretty nice.
I mean, it's beautiful.
It is beautiful.
Well, if you have any problems,
honey, just call me.
Okay?
Bye-bye.
Bye, Mrs. Hedgerup.
Don't worry about your niece, Mr. Davis.
Goodbye.
Uncle Bill,
if you're busy this weekend, I'm sure I
could arrange to stay here.
Now, look, Cissy, it's bad enough having
you away all week.
I'm gonna drive up here on
Friday and take you back with me,
and then the two of us are
gonna make a night of it, see?
We're gonna have dinner at 21,
and then we're gonna go see what he called
that new musical, and afterwards, we're
gonna go to a nightclub and see a good show.
Now, you can sleep all you want on
Saturday, okay?
Uncle Bill, I've never been to a nightclub
in my life.
Come to think of it, I've never seen a
musical.
I don't even know what a 21 is.
It's a restaurant.
Strictly very dressy.
Oh, welcome home, Miss Cissy.
Oh, Cissy, I
It's Friday.
I forgot to pick you up.
I'm sorry.
Come on.
Allow me.
Oh, thanks, Mr. French.
I've been so tied up with these
negotiations, I forgot what day it is.
I'm sorry.
I knew something had happened.
It was no problem.
I hitched a ride in with Betty Poulet and
her father.
Well, um, everything okay there,
Briarfield?
Of course.
It's a wonderful school.
I'm getting along fine.
Well, don't let me interfere with your
work.
I'll just freshen up.
It's okay.
I'll see you later.
Here you are, Bill.
Thank you.
Now, gentlemen, sign, seal, and deliver.
Tonight, we must celebrate.
I have arranged a special dinner to be
prepared by the chef from our embassy.
Well, thank you.
After all, Mr. Davis, you will be working
in Afghanistan for many months.
You had better sample our cooking in
advance.
Fine, fine.
Gentlemen, it will be a pleasure.
Thank you.
Good night, gentlemen.
Good night.
Dinner.
French, Mr. Gaines and I are going to have
dinner at the embassy with these
gentlemen, so just give the kids whatever
they like for dinner, all right?
Yes.
I may be quite late.
Good night.
Good night, sir.
Uncle Bill!
Yes, Miss Cissy.
Can I be of assistance?
Mr. French, am I dressed all right to go
out tonight?
Out, Miss Cissy?
Yes, with Uncle Bill.
We made a date for tonight when he drove
me to Briarfield.
Dinner at 21, a musical, and a nightclub.
It will be my first real grown-up evening.
I'm sorry, Miss Cissy, but Mr. Davis has
gone out for the evening.
You see, he signed the final contracts
with the Afghanistani gentlemen,
and, well, they invited him out to
celebrate.
You know what it is.
He's been so preoccupied with all this
business that I'm afraid he forgot your plans.
Well, thank you.
That's okay.
It's something like a big contract.
Anybody could understand how tonight would
slip his mind.
Well, if you wish, I could try and contact
Mr. Davis.
Oh, no, please don't.
There'll be other nights.
And please, don't tell him.
He'd feel just awful.
As you wish, Miss Cissy.
Well, I think I'll change.
I'd better save this dress.
Oh.
Well, Cissy, I planned to serve dinner on
the terrace by candlelight.
My opinion, you addressed quite properly.
Thanks, Mr. French.
Sunday night sure got here fast.
It did, didn't it?
I don't see why you have to go up in that
school in Connecticut.
Connecticut.
We have plenty of room, Buffy and me.
Mrs. B?
Mrs. Beasley would like to know that,
too.
Mrs. Beasley, I'm going to stay at
Briarfield, so I'm out of Uncle Bill's hair.
Out of his hair?
Uncle Bill is a busy man.
He doesn't have time for a pack of kids.
Well, at least one of us ought to be out
of his hair.
I'm the oldest and the biggest bother.
Oh.
Come in.
Listen, it's only 5 O'clock.
Why don't you stay and have dinner with
us, and I'll drive you up there to Briarfield.
That would be nice, but Betty's folks are
picking me up in 15 minutes.
Well, can't you call and tell them?
I'm sorry.
It's too late.
They're on the way.
We haven't had a chance to talk yet.
I've been tied up the whole weekend.
That's all right.
If you're worried about me getting along
at Briarfield, there's no need.
I adjust.
I'll tell you what.
Look, I have to go to I have to go to Afghanistan
next week, but the first weekend when I get back, huh?
Uncle Bill, I've met some of the kids who
stay at school weekends, too.
They really have a ball.
If it's all right with you, I won't come
home until the Christmas holiday.
Christmas holiday?
Oh, there's a Miss Betty downstairs,
Miss Cissy.
Oh, that's it.
I have to run.
Bye, kids.
Bye.
Don't worry about me.
I'll find everybody.
Oh, wait a minute, Cissy.
Do you think we're in Uncle Bill's hair?
No.
I think we're in Mr. French's hair.
Mrs. Brown, have you any idea of the
whereabouts of Buffy and Jody?
I gave them strict instructions to wait me
at the school steps.
Well, I saw them walking down the street
with little Murray Burns towards 2nd Avenue.
Thank you, Mrs. Brown.
What time does your father come home?
Any minute, as soon as he takes his cab to
the garage.
Think you'll do it for us, Murray?
Sure, as long as you pay him.
We don't have any money.
Okay, just use your credit card.
Here you are.
Hi, Mr. French.
What are you doing here a full block away?
We're waiting for Murray.
He's Murray's father.
Oh, and who is Murray's father?
Mr. Burns, the best cab driver in town.
We gotta talk to Mr. Burns.
Oh, what about?
It's a secret.
Oh, really?
Well, good day, Master Murray.
What about our deal?
It's still cold.
We'll try again tomorrow.
Oh, come on, come on.
And there they were, sir, discussing some
transaction with an urchin.
A man named Murray.
What transaction?
It's a secret.
But, uh, Murray's father drives a taxi.
We were gonna hire him to take us to
Connecticut.
Connecticut, sir.
Do you kids miss Sissy that much?
Sure, but that's not the secret.
Well, what's the secret?
The secret is we have to get out of Mr.
French's hair.
Like Sissy got out of your hair.
Out of my hair?
Yes, sir.
Did Sissy tell you that?
Yes, sir.
Who ever gave her an idea like that?
Begging your pardon, sir, you did.
From me?
If you recall, sir, a matter of taking Miss
Sissy to dinner last weekend at the 21.
All right.
Cancel my plane reservation.
Make it for the first plane out in the
morning.
I'm going to drive up to Connecticut right
now.
Yes, sir.
That's Kennycut.
Yeah, I know.
Kennycut, only she's not going to go to
school in Kennycut.
She's going to go to Lexi High right here.
I'm calling on behalf of Mr. William
Davis.
Yes, his favorite table, please.
Downstairs.
Two at 7 P.M.
Mr. Davis will have his usual aperitif.
Oh, but he's being accompanied by a young
lady.
May I suggest for her Shirley Temple?
Quite.
Thank you.
Good evening.
Ah, sir.
The theater tickets are in your inside
pocket.
I made inquiries as to the nightclub
entertainment.
Quite suitable, sir.
Okay.
Now we're presentable, sir.
Fine.
Sorry to keep you waiting, Uncle Bill.
It was worth it.
All right, you two, off to bed,
quickly.
Cissy looks so grown up.
Is she still a sister?
Not tonight.
She's like Cinderella.
But tomorrow, she'll be our sister again.
Yes, well, all right, come on.
Quickly, quickly, quickly.
Quickly.
Quickly.