Frauds (2025) s01e04 Episode Script

BERT: We are gonna steal
The Face of the Great Masturbator.
SAM: So, Jackie helps us
get in undetected?
Don't get involved with her, babe.
She is not worth it.
I'm leaving, Craig.
Leaving? Leaving me?
IN SPANISH:
Let's see how you work under
real pressure. Sharpen the mind.
Nothing can just be mine, can it?
Not even finding my daughter.
I wanna be more involved.
We need another
capable pair of hands.
I would really like
for us to work together.
I just wanted you to be you,
whatever you turned out to be.
Can we not talk about the cancer?
I just wanna enjoy my time with you.
Take care, OK?
I was gonna keep it,
but give it to Maria.
It's worth more than I owe her.
I'm worried you have a short memory.
'You promised to cut me in
on something big.'
Shit! What're you doing?
You haven't got cancer.
You faked it.
Is there anything else
I need to know? Nothing.
Brownie's honour.
This way
Well-well
CROWD GASPS
I prefer to live it like this.
You OK?
Do you want me to come
and see the doctor with you?
No, I'm fine.
CAR DOOR SLAMS
PHONE BUZZES
Oh! I'd forget my head
Cheers.
OK.
Announce: 'Dr Lopez, Oncology.'
Hi. Erm
So, spontaneous remission.
You know, when the cancer
just kind of disappears.
You ever heard of that?
No. I'm just gonna
Ah.
MARIA CHUCKLES
Maria!
How do I look out of my prison duds?
Why keep this up?
You're out now,
no-one thinks you're a threat.
I had to keep someone invested.
You don't understand,
she's my oldest friend.
I had to get her to want
to spend some time with me.
The less I know about what you
do on the outside, the better.
I do need paying.
What? You've been paid!
From Blas.
I gave him a watch to give you.
What watch? There's been no watch.
SIGHS
OVER TV, IN SPANISH:
OVER RADIO: 'Painted in 1937,
'Guernica is one of the
highest-profile paintings
'to have been attacked
in this latest spate of'
Have you heard?
We've got a big problem.
Yeah.
It'll be crawling with security.
Have you seen this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's right next door
to the Masturbator. Just focus!
Come on, it's impossible.
So, what do we actually know?
Well, that the place
is in total lockdown
and half of Spain's press
are camped outside.
That'll only be the case
for a couple of days.
When the Mona Lisa were nicked
in 1911,
people came to stare
at the space on the wall.
They'd never had so many visitors.
PHONE BUZZES
Well, let's deal with the facts.
We know that, due to the size of
the painting
It's bloody massive.
So it won't be removed.
It'll be restored in situ.
Yeah, and most of the work
will be done at night.
With a restoration team in there
around the clock
and more security,
that rules out going at night.
There's no way we can go unnoticed.
I mean, we'll just be seen.
So, what? We push the job?
No, we can't.
Celine's given us a deadline.
What, then?
We go in during the day
and steal the painting
in front of all of those people?
That's impossible.
Yeah, we're not gonna do anything
that puts you in any danger.
OK, we come up with a plan,
and we execute it.
PHONE BUZZES
Craig, do fuck off.
Why did you do that?
He needs to leave you alone.
Jackie, you need to come up
with a plan to get the painting
in and out during the day.
Yeah, I'm already on it.
You don't have to worry about me.
Can you two guarantee
that you're not gonna go rogue?
Nobody's going rogue.
Get some rest.
Tomorrow will be a big day.
Do you really think we can
pull this off in a crowded gallery?
The security guard
at the prison.
Yeah?
I sort of kept in touch with him.
I didn't say anything cos obviously
I didn't see it going anywhere,
but now we've got a requirement for
an inside man at the museum.
And you trust him?
Trust is a relative concept,
but there's never been a man that,
between us, we couldn't handle.
Well, let's go see him.
You know Caitlin's part
of the team.
She doesn't need special treatment.
I'll be the judge
of how I treat Caitlin.
SHOP DOOR BELL RINGS
BLAS: Buenas.
Buenos Dias.
IN SPANISH:
Muy bien.
SHOP DOOR BELL RINGS,
DOOR SLAMS
I'm in contact with a journalist
who's reporting at the museum.
Convinced him I'm an editor at
El Mundo, promised him an exclusive.
He can feed me the details of what's
changing on the ground. Oh, great!
I'm worried.
Please, that's the last thing
I want.
Part of the job is rolling
with the punches.
No, I'm worried about you.
And Bert. It's just
When you're together,
it's just this thing
with the two of you.
Well, we were best friends
for years.
We're about to do a massive job.
I can't end up in prison
like Bert did.
You won't.
How can you know that?
Because I'm in charge,
and I wasn't when she was arrested.
What actually happened?
There was this job.
Taking something from a safe
for a client.
And it caused
a whole load of trouble.
Two guys who'd happily worked
the same area started a turf war,
and Bert ended up on the wrong side.
It was a mess. People got hurt.
A turf war?
You were involved in this job?
Look, we were both arrested, but
Bert kept me in the dark
on a lot of it.
She took the wrap
because it was her wrap to take.
That can't happen this time.
It won't.
Whatever happens, you can trust me.
I'm running this, I'm managing Bert,
and we are rebuilding the plan.
You have to understand.
I will always have your back.
I'm in charge this time,
and you are my priority.
And that means a lot.
ON PHONE, IN SPANISH:
IN SPANISH:
PHONE BUZZES
ON PHONE, IN SPANISH:
SAM: Hope your mate plays ball.
Bert?
Mm-hm?
What the?
What you looking at?
I'm not sure.
You think that car's following us?
I don't know.
Well, let's not find out.
TYRES SCREECH
Can you lose him?
No.
CAR HORN BLASTS
Jesus.
Who is that?
I don't know.
Fuck this.
Oi! You could've killed us,
you knob.
Celine needs to see you. Now.
How the fuck d'you even find us?
Follow me.
Shit.
Guernica.
The minute you heard about that,
I should have had a phone call
telling me you know
there's a spanner in the works,
but you are moving hell
and high water to sort it.
Yeah, we are.
We didn't wanna come to you
with a half-baked idea.
Well, thank fuck for that.
You got a back-up plan?
Yep.
Do I need one?
Because the buyer
is breathing up my arse,
and I am holding her off,
but she is not to be messed with.
The buyer? That's not you?
No, that's fucking not me.
But I am the one with all the
exposure if this goes tits akimbo,
so don't be slacking off.
We've got a lot at stake.
We need this to work
as much as you do.
OK, so we're in agreement
..that just because
some yoghurt knitter lobs paint
around a museum,
we are not gonna let anything slip.
And by we, I mean you.
Your delivery date remains the same.
We just need to redesign
the acquisition. OK.
Well, you come back to me
with a nailed-on plan
of what you're gonna do, OK?
Right. You're done.
Get the fuck out.
Unless you're in any way handy
with a bucket of Star Drops.
You'd be amazed, the amount of piss
you have to deal with in this place.
WATER SLOSHES
Oh, fuck sake.
We just told a lunatic
we have a plan.
Yep.
And our gang thinks we have a plan.
Yeah We need a plan, don't we?
We've got to stop seeing the crowds
as a problem
and start seeing them as a solution.
That's all I've got. Sorry.
THEY LAUGH
That's beautiful!
PHONE BUZZES
SIGHS
METAL TOOL CLATTERS
Sorry.
Just a bit on edge.
Didn't mean to startle you.
Are you OK?
Yeah, thanks.
Here y'are, put those on there.
Just come and grab this for me.
Pinch it.
Very good.
We might be missing a trick,
you know.
I was just thinking about
how does a woman get in
and out of somewhere
without getting noticed?
Like?
Well if you're an older woman
LAUGHS
..no-one takes
a blind bit of notice.
You could take the crown jewels
off the King's head,
and the courtiers would be like,
"Oh, is there a breeze?"
And we can use that invisibility
to our advantage.
PHONE BUZZES
Your husband?
I've done the same thing
for 30 years.
I'm not going back to it.
That bad?
Yeah.
What did you mean
about Sam and Bert going rogue?
When it's good
..they're the best in the world.
But when it's not, it's
What?
It's toxic.
I know you want a relationship
with your mum, Caitlin,
and you can have that.
But you can't get in between them
..because it's a game.
They don't think it is
but it is.
I just I just really need this.
Me too, darling.
Cheers.
BOTTLES CLINK
IN SPANISH:
LUIS:
BERT: There, he's at the back.
Hey.
Pleased to meet you.
Martha Samuels, Sam to my friends.
Well, "Sam to my friends"
..you're late.
Yeah, I know, we're really sorry.
We had something important
to attend to.
Not a hospital thing?
No.
A make-us-a-lot-of-money thing.
Look, we've said we're sorry
for being late.
Come on. Please, stay.
We'll get you another drink.
Yeah. Please, stay.
Look, we need you.
I'm going to need an advance.
We can get you 5,000
before the end of the week.
The rest is payable
when the job's finished.
Doesn't work for me.
You know,
I bet she still hasn't told you.
About Isabella her cell-mate.
What? The person she got the idea
for the job from?
You're not worried
about her finding out?
She won't find out, will she?
Go on, tell me more.
Hola.
Hola.
IN SPANISH:
Are the police on to me?
Are they on to us?
This is getting out of hand.
It's too risky. I'm done.
Calm down!
You need to go inside and finish the
painting, and then you can go home.
OK? You just need to trust them.
Oh, they can't even
trust each other.
I saw them battering each other
in the pool, proper fist fight.
Bloody wild animals,
the pair of them.
OK.
Just breathe through your nose, OK?
HE INHALES
Yeah.
HE EXHALES
Keep breathing.
Look, we're looking for someone
who works in security,
with an unblemished record,
who can get a job at the Reina Sofia
and feed us information
about their new security.
She's cute, right?
Oh, yeah, she's cute.
But if you keep trying her,
she'll pull your arm off
and shove it up your arse.
Oh!
Here's the deal.
We'll pay you 100,000 euros
on completion of the job.
And what is it exactly
you're taking from the Reina Sofia?
Muy bien.
Three hundred.
Two hundred.
Are you in or are you out?
I'm in.
BERT CHUCKLES
BERT AND SAM LAUGH
Everything OK?
Mm-mm.
Your painter is having a meltdown.
What?
A policeman came round earlier.
To talk to me?
No, to talk to Bert.
I got rid of him.
What did he say?
He said it was a routine check,
and I told him
that Bert was very sick
and she had a hospital appointment
to attend to.
OK, good. Er
..let's not bother her with this.
Don't take the piss, Bilal.
We did a full kidnap
and rescue on you.
So how about you finish the job
I've employed you to do.
Now you take your balls,
get back to that easel, crack on.
All right?
And cheer up.
PHONE BUZZES
Blas?
All right.
Thanks for letting me know.
He's got an interview tomorrow
at the museum.
He'll talk his way into that.
They're desperate,
and he's absolutely bubbling.
Great. When he's in,
let's get to Madrid.
We'll assess the crowds,
be in the space.
I'll come too.
No, you stay here.
Yeah, it's far more useful
if you stay here
and keep your eye on Bilal
and Jackie.
Look she needs this.
We don't know how long she has.
You hold the fort here.
We can have all the time in the
world together when this is done.
BERT: So, we need a new plan.
And the night is completely out.
That means we have to go in
during the day
and use the crowds to our advantage.
The good news is the painting's on
track for being finished in a week,
which gives us ample time
for any last-minute adjustments.
Jackie's designing a rig to get
the fake in, ready for the swap.
Working on making it as fast
as possible,
using disruptors
to block the magnetic locks.
SAM: What we don't have
is a diversion.
How do we control the crowd?
We don't know yet, but hopefully
our inside man will give us access
to security and the museum cameras.
We still need an exit strategy,
but Caitlin's nicked a van.
We'll get access to the loading bay,
and we'll go in as service workers.
So, that's half a plan.
What do you think?
I'd say we're getting there,
but a lot to work out.
Buckle up, buttercup,
and pack your knickers.
We are off to Madrid.
Like the back of my hand
I don't give a damn
I carry the crown
Nothing can break me down
The lay of the land
Like the back of my hand
N-Nothing can break me down
You can't break me down
I got money in the bank
You're looking at the man
The Masturbator is on
a list of paintings
which have been given 24/7
one-to-one security.
Government's orders.
As the Guernica room is closed, the
Masturbator has the most footfall.
Well, I'll be honest,
if I had a masturbator room,
that'd get a lot of footfall
an' all.
Maximum numbers?
Nothing official, but if it feels
like it's getting crowded,
we can stop people entering.
OVER EAR PIECE: 'Doesn't help
the Guernica is in the same space,
'the rooms are interconnected,
and there are a lot more visitors.'
This is all sounding pretty hard
to get around.
No, no, no. We can use some of this
to our advantage.
If something else gets disturbed,
we can use the chaos that ensues
to pull focus away from us.
'True, but you don't want to
end up in a locked-down gallery.'
Good point.
Pluses and minuses.
Minus a lot more security.
Plus a lot of them are new.
Minus everyone's on high alert.
Plus when people are on
high alert,
they get easily distracted
and spooked.
Especially with the restoration.
Are all of the exhibits alarmed?
'Everything in
the permanent collection.
'The temporary collection, no.
They're just tagged.'
So, that's a weak spot.
Let's see if it could be useful.
We'll need a distraction
to move the crowds.
Something big to get people away
from the Masturbator room.
It's just beautiful, that's all.
Want to play a game?
What?
IN AMERICAN ACCENT:
God, your waters!
WITH ACCENT: Oh, my God! Help!
It's It's my waters.
I'm pregnant. But I'm, uh
I don't I don't speak, um
CONCERNED CHATTER
Yeah, I may need to call my doctor.
Uh OK Uh
Come on, hurry up!
Why did you leave?
I had to style it out
and say I'd just pissed myself.
Just trying a proof of concept.
What?
Wanted to see what we could achieve
when no-one is paying attention.
What?
Turn around.
For you.
Can we go somewhere on the way home?
BANGING
Hang on!
What do you want, Craig?
Old dog, new trick?
Or have you taken up art
in your menopause?
HE LAUGHS
AIR GUN HISSES
What do you want, Craigy?
For you to give your head a shake
and come home.
No, I can't.
Can't?
I won't, actually.
Not this time.
All I've ever done
is look out for you, Jackie.
No-one will ever love you like me.
Komet, Craig.
She's a kid.
And you're a show.
You owe me, Jackie.
I don't owe you anything,
and I don't want anything.
Who brought you to Spain?
Me.
I brought me to Spain.
Oh, you've got a short memory.
I've got a long one, unfortunately.
I made The Great Diavolo, Craig.
Not you.
Do you really believe that?
You're the wind beneath my wings?
Is that what you think?
I mean, if you wanna
put it like that.
Don't let your head get turned now.
Do you believe
that you're bigger than this?
Think yourself lucky
that you're here at all.
Why do you have
to make me feel so small?
I can't make you
feel anything, Jack.
You're just responding to what I say
because it's true.
I am just a realist,
and I know
that whatever you're up to now
will just be a flash in the pan,
and you'll wake up
and know that you need me.
So, let's just save us the trouble
and just do it now, 'ey?
No.
I don't want anything from you.
I don't want anything
to do with you.
You need to get
back on that stage, Jackie.
SIGHS
I can't believe it's still standing.
It was so green when we came.
It must all have been burnt
to the ground.
Don't recognise it, do you?
No.
Come on.
Oh, my God!
SAM GASPS
You carved that in.
We went to that fiesta in San Pedro.
Yeah. And that Ferris wheel
was completely unsafe,
and we screamed at the guy
to let us off, and he wouldn't.
So when we did, we just jammed
his engine so it wouldn't stop.
He went nuts.
And we pegged it past him
on your moped.
It was like a hairdryer on wheels,
that thing!
So, is this where you
you wanna
SIGHS
Yeah.
You know I
Like over the years,
I've been
And you were
It was a lot. And, erm
It was just I was
You were brilliant.
You were mental
..and you were a fucking nightmare.
But you were fierce
and you were loyal.
And you were just just ace.
And if you'd been given a bit
of love and opportunity,
you could've ruled the world.
And this job, Bert, this
Well, this is you putting it right.
Yeah?
You're the only friend
I've ever had.
Same.
I'm sorry.
You've got nothing to be sorry for.
Nothing.
POLICE SPEAK IN SPANISH,
SAM SHOUTS
HANDCUFFS CLICK
Fu
DOOR BUZZES
Sam.
You've been really brave.
Help her with the wire.
Your decision to contact us
has been key to our investigation.
Hey, look at me.
You should be proud of yourself.
You've got a clean record,
and you can put this behind you.
Yeah?
You can start again.
WHISPERING: Fuck. Fuck.
Oi, oi!
Thought I'd swing by.
How's the exit plan going?
Hm.
Need anything?
Yeah, I do actually. Can you go
the hardware store for me?
Ask them for a long stand.
THEY LAUGH
Is it taking longer
than you thought?
Getting the canvas off the wall
is one thing, but stealing a Dali
in broad daylight is something else.
If I can get the swap
down to 30 seconds,
we're in with a chance.
But I need to finish off this rig.
Craig leaving you alone?
Mm. Yeah.
It's hard, though.
Why?
Because he does this thing where he
can just convince me black is white.
He's a gaslighting,
narcissistic prick,
and the only thing he's good for
is being a magician.
Not even good at that, is he?
Do you remember that time
he let all those rabbits go,
and they were hopping
all over the stage?
And then that woman stood up
and said,
"I'm not staying here, Colin.
No, it's absolutely dogshit."
LAUGHING: Do you remember?
Yeah.
Well, I took over the reins
after that.
Yeah, but you still let him
have his name above the door.
Just saying.
Right, I'm going into town.
I'm gonna see the comms guys
cos we need new earpieces.
Bert.
Hm?
Thank you.
What're you being weird for?
The Great Diavolo!
More like The Great Dickhead!
SHE LAUGHS
I'll see you later.
BOX LID CREAKS
Having a smart laugh
with your friend, are you? What?
I am your husband.
And them rabbits were duds,
by the way.
The police came to my house
looking for Bert.
You promised me I'd be anonymous.
You are.
As long as she's not got you
involved in anything,
you don't need to worry about that.
Viros, I need to know
this has nothing to do with me.
It was probably
a routine house-to-house.
But, look, Sam, I will call
my old partner on the force
and see what I can find out.
But if they seriously needed her
for something,
they would have stuck around, OK?
You're worrying unnecessarily,
trust me.
'Sam and Bert?'
A Dali painting? Theft?
It's nothing.
How much they paying you?
A fortune?
A small fortune.
Come back to me.
Let's get out of here.
Let's set our sights on Vegas.
Me and you.
OK. It's like that, is it?
Well, maybe I'll just
phone the police, then.
PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS
ON PHONE: 'Cual es su emergencia?'
Policia, por favor.
Stop.
WHISPERING: Just stop, Craig.
I-I'll split it with you.
Split what?
How much are they paying?
POLICE, ON PHONE:
'Policia, como podemos ayudar?
'Hola?'
Come back to work.
Do your little side hustle,
and we'll sort the split out later.
Jackie?
OK!
I'll come back.
That's the spirit.
LUIS, IN SPANISH:
IN SPANISH:
Hey!
Hey!
Madrid good?
Yeah.
Yeah, it was useful.
Thanks for understanding.
I feel like you're keeping things
from me.
I'm not. I I promise.
Don't get me wrong,
I love seeing you with her.
I think she makes you feel alive,
and I feel more part of it than ever
when we're all together, and it's
it's really exciting.
I just don't want to be
on the outside, not with you.
Understood. We're in this together.
Do you want me to talk you
through the new plan?
Yeah!
Right.
RINGING TONE
'You've reached Jackie, leave a'
TOILET FLUSHES
IN SPANISH:
Hey! Hey!
SHOUTS IN SPANISH
POLICE OFFICER SHOUTS
IN SPANISH
SHOUTS IN SPANISH
DISTANT CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE
You have got
to be fucking kidding me.
Jesus.
RINGING TONE
VOICEMAIL: 'You've reached Jackie,
leave a message.'
CRAIG: Let's welcome out
onto the stage Thank you, ma'am.
If I could ask you
just to stand here.
And, ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to keep your eyes
very closely on my hands
because my hands will be in view
at all times.
I saw her two hours ago.
SAM: 'She can't have gone
back to him.'
CAITLIN: 'What does that mean
for the job?'
'We'd be fucked.'
Yeah.
And next up
Can you just get down here?
We're on our way.
..we have a death-defying act.
A feat like no other.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jackie! Are you mad?
Bert, I can't!
What're you doing?
I've I'm busy.
We are working up to a huge job,
and you're an integral member
of the team.
What're you doing back here?
Jackie Diamond!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We fucked up because he knows!
He knows about the job.
He overheard us talking,
he was hiding in my workshop.
He's a massive fucking weirdo.
You know that that's not normal?
He said he'd call the police
if I didn't come back!
Jackie Diamond!
That's why I'm here.
Jackie
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..Diamond.
IN SPANISH:
Shit.
Jackie!
Ja Jackie!
JACKIE SCREAMS
CROWD GASPS
You could have killed her,
you prick.
Everybody out!
Jackie!
Bert!
Look at me, I'm gonna sort this.
Go on!
He's coming.
Come on. Come on.
That is your fault, that!
You're off your head, you!
I need you to leave her alone.
Shut up, you stupid cow!
Please!
What?
Come on, move!
You're all right.
Craig!
CRAIG GRUNTS
Come on.
Behave, Craig.
Look, now, if you go away somewhere,
then when all this is done,
we can sort you out
with some money, yeah?
Yeah, babes
I don't want your money!
I want my wife.
And your wife wants to be with us
because we know who she is,
and we fucking know who you are.
Please. All right, so you've been
crying to your mates, have you? 'Ey?
You think they're gonna whisk you
off to a better life than this?
Shut up!
You've always thought that
you were something better than this,
but you are nothing.
Oh!
She's not nothing, you prick!
Please, please!
CRAIG GRUNTS
CYMBALS CRASH
BONE CRACKS
Bert!
What have you done?
He's bleeding.
Sam!
It's from his head.
He was wild.
You always fuck things up!
Not true. Sam?
I'm calling an ambulance.
And I am calling the police.
No, Jackie.
Una ambulancia, por favor.
Cheeky Blinders.
Sam, there's so much blood.
Gracias.
Oh, my God.
It was an accident.
He attacked you.
His temper, Jackie.
It was her.
If you say it was her,
they'll arrest her
and all of this will be for nothing.
He did that in front of people.
He's a loose cannon, you know that.
That's why you left him.
She attacked him.
He attacked you.
You distracted him!
Are you hearing yourself?
Are you serious?
You need to get cleaned up.
Jackie!
He's still breathing.
You too, Bert. Here.
Right, the police
are gonna investigate this.
We need to get all evidence
out of Jackie's workshop.
Seriously?
Is that what you think's important
right now?
Yes! It's what is important
for all of us right now.
I'm sorry! Caitlin,
we need to get you out of here.
OK.
Come on. Come on!
So you're just gonna leave me?
Hey!
Look, he deserved that, yeah?
I did the right thing.
Sam?
Yeah, you did.