Gnomes (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Ha!
Wow.
Zayn is making this shit up.
That looked pretty real to me.
You find the Gnome Queen
before Brant Sanders gets here,
how can I help but sing your praises?
Welcome to Gnome-A-Palooza!
Wait, wait, wait!
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no! Arnold, wake up!
Wake up, Arnold!
I'm standing in the middle of Nompton,
where the butchered body
of a beloved senior citizen
was discovered mere minutes ago.
As you can see, local police
are struggling to maintain order.
Everybody just fucking calm down!
Meanwhile, a cold-blooded killer
could still be in our midst.
Oh, dude, this will get you back on prime time.
Consider yourself officially uncancelled, my bro.
That's right. I'm back, baby.
Stop
Stop!
So not chill, bro.
Keep rolling.
Well, well, well, what have we got here?
Wow. You are not my usual type, but, er
Yeah, I think I can make this work.
Oh, bro, not again.
So if we look over here, we'll see some trees.
Native, non-pornographic trees.
Oh, she took all of it!
This is Brant Sanders,
currently under attack from
what appears to be a small demonic feminist.
Can we at least start with the nipples?
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Come on!
Yes!
Fang it!
Dylan, case against you
isn't good, baby mongoose.
First, you try convincing everyone
that I stole the stupid Gnome Queen.
It's true. You kind of did.
Then you set me up in front of the cops.
Dad was super pissed.
And you have a stupid face.
Not sure that one counts.
Seriously, how am I supposed to trust you, Dylan?
All right, look. You've got to
prove to the adults
that gnomes are alive and that you're innocent.
Yeah?
- Maybe.
- Well
I have an idea.
OK, guys, I'm having second thoughts.
This feels really dangerous.
Shh! Bait doesn't talk, bro.
Hello
any gnomes. Come on.
Come on, little guy. Want a little worm?
Little worm for ya.
OK. Come on, buddy.
Oh! OK.
My God, is that Stumpy?
Come on. Yep, come on.
Now. Now!
- Now!
- Wait for it.
Now!
Oh! I think we got him.
Holy shit. I think my balls just went back in.
I don't think they were ever out.
So, I didn't know you could hot-wire a car.
Have you met my old man?
Oh, ow.
- Is it bad?
- Oh, erm
No, it's fine. It's, erm
I'll tell you what. Just, er
There you go.
There.
On an unrelated note,
how would you feel about a fringe?
What are we going to do?
I don't know.
Can we tell him? We We have to tell him.
Just We go in, we tell him
- tell him what we saw.
- Right.
- Harvey was killed.
- Harvey was killed by
- a group of evil
- Yes.
- little
- Garden gnomes.
come to life.
I should have listened to you.
We could have had this square closed hours ago.
You can't think like that, OK?
No-one could have predicted what just happened.
There's all this shit going on in my head.
- Yeah.
- The mayor said he was
going to put in a good word for me with Harvey,
and Devon was being Devon, and
Arnold, what?
He said that he?
You kept the festival open so
that you could keep your job?
No, it's just a suggestion from
You're a fucking hypocrite.
Ellie Ellie, come on!
Dickhead! What?!
Shit.
OK
You got to keep it together, Josie,
especially while Ellie's here.
As if she's going to give me
the caretaker job, anyway.
It's not about getting THAT job,
it's about having any job at all!
You got away with a warning the first time.
I don't think you'll get lucky twice.
No matter what happens, do not lose your temper.
Josie!
Oh, hey, guys! Er Tea?
No tea. We need to get everyone
off the streets right now.
That's already been done.
Josie and I established a curfew
the second we found the body.
Wait. What body?
Mr Henrickson.
Oh, my God, because we just, erm
Wait. Wait, hang on. Wait, wait.
Is there another body?
Why are you covered in blood?
Arnold, have you got something to tell us?
It's hard to put into words.
- Harvey's dead.
- Oh, no!
Oh, no!
We were attacked.
Attacked by who?
Evil garden gnomes.
I know, I know it sounds crazy,
but they attacked us and
- But they're coming.
- He's gone loopy.
And if we don't get prepared,
we don't stand a chance.
Garden gnomes. Good one!
I'm gonna ask you a question,
and I want you to answer honestly.
Have you been drinking again?
- No!
- Cos yesterday, he was
- Knocks to the head.
- Sarge, come on,
you've known me in my entire
life. Why would I make this up?
He's telling the truth.
- What?!
- I don't know how,
but they are real.
Right.
- So how do we stop them?
- What?!
- Sarge! No phones, no radios.
- What happened to the radio?
It was damaged.
Which means we have no backup.
Plus, there's rumours the
bridge is out. We do not have
time for Arnold's crazy make-believe stories.
God's sake, Devon, they're not make-believe!
Oh, what the?
Torches. Get your torches out.
Fine. This is fine. I'm fine.
Ellie, can you see how fine I am? I'm fine.
This is fucking fine!
Hey. Yes, it is fine.
This is what happens
when you don't clean the food
off your desk, by the way. You get rats.
- Rats chew through wire.
- Devon, give me a break!
The switch isn't working in that room.
- Sarge, got the keys.
- Got the keys.
Jesus! Did anybody else see that?
Killer garden gnomes, huh?
Shit, this is cooked.
Could somebody please sedate it or something?
Because if Mum wakes up, she's gonna freak.
Oh! It's got teeth!
Why do they want to hurt us so bad?
I don't know, it's like
they're possessed or something.
Some dark-magic shit.
That stuff's real, you know.
Really? I thought some
things were just born bad.
Like, it's just, I don't know, in their nature.
That's what my dad says, anyway.
Oi! Enough.
- What?
- Sorry.
Just tired.
Right, weapons.
Wow. It's the yo-yo in particular
that fills me with confidence.
Guys! Where are the guns?
It was either ammunition or staff amenities.
- Yeah.
- What's an anemone?
Tea, coffee, biscuits.
- Where are your guns?
- Arnold lost them.
- What?!
- Both of them.
We don't need guns. We just
need to hit these things hard.
We do that and we stick together,
- we'll get through this. Yeah.
- I'll be at my desk.
Huh!
It's a rat. It's a rat!
That can't get in here, can it?
Arnold? We need to figure out
how the hell we're going to
stay in contact out there.
Sarge, you know that old ham radio
we confiscated from the church group last year?
- Go on.
- In season ten, episode nine
of CSI, Nick finds a Signal One Milspec 1030.
And in the deleted scenes,
you see him with his shirt off.
But you also see him using the radio.
I've watched it, like, 47 times.
I know I can get that radio working.
I know I can get us help.
Counting on you, Officer.
Oh!
Arnold! Sh, sh, sh!
I've been thinking about whether some of this
could actually be our fault.
I've been thinking the same thing.
Mm. I mean, the warning signs
were all there, weren't they?
The vandalism, Evan dead,
then there's that bloody
meddling girlfriend of yours
trying to shut the festival down
and us actively not listening.
But then I realised
we haven't done anything wrong.
In fact, I think we did the opposite.
- So?
- Listen, listen.
This is the town
where garden gnomes literally came to life.
Think about that, eh? It's
gonna be a global news story.
And if we play our cards right,
we'll come out of this heroes.
I covered for you! I protected you
after you stole council funds
to pay for that fucking gnome.
Who told you?
- Oh! Yes.
- You're on your own.
And don't you ever say a bad
thing about my Ellie again.
Shhh! People trying to sleep, mate.
What are you doing?
Shh. Nothing.
I just feel kind of bad for him, that's all.
Why? He's clearly evil.
OK, what happens if he's
actually not that bad and
it's only because people keep
saying he's bad over and over,
which pisses him off so much that he
- seems bad?
- Don't let it out!
I'm not.
You know, why not? We can't blame Stumpy
for every bad thing every other
gnome has ever done.
That's racism.
OK, that's just 100% not correct.
- He is kind of cute, but
- He's going to hurt us!
No, Rosie, this isn't the one that attacked us.
Yeah, but how do we know we can trust him?
There's only one way to find out.
Come on!
Hello? This is Beverly Hills
requesting immediate assistance.
We're at Nompton police station
and we are being attacked
by killer garden gnomes.
I repeat, killer garden gnomes.
And I'm not on drugs.
So who's gonna do it?
I will.
I'm not scared of some little garden gnome.
- Guys, please don't do this.
- Rosie, just go over there.
What the hell is that?
Shit!
Holy shit! Get him, Jenny! Get him!
Go, Stumpy! Run!
- I'm coming.
- Get it off!
He's not dead.
Where's he going? He's not dead.
Hello? Can you hear me?
Hello, this is Beverly Hills.
I'm getting super bored now.
And if shit goes south, I'll meet you and Ellie
at the church. Agreed?
Maybe put Ellie with Dev this time.
- She's mad at me.
- Oh, stop it!
Ellie's mad because she still loves you.
I'll be twice as mad if you
bugger all that up again.
Arnold, what is it?
I haven't seen you look
this worried since you were 18
and drove into the general store.
Hey!
The store came out of nowhere.
It's me. You can tell me anything.
I think I did something, Sarge.
I think I did something bad.
Whatever it is you think you've
done, we'll get through it,
- like we always do.
- No, it's it's not
You've got to stop trying to face problems alone.
You have friends, Arnold, people who love you.
It's time you started trusting them.
Now, has this got to do with Lachlan?
No.
- Well, yes, a bit.
- Mm.
I was at the hall the other night.
I don't know, something happened to me.
I think that's what's
Beverly! Come on.
Bev?
Bev!
All right, we finish this now.
Who does he think he is, huh?
I'm the mayor you know and trust.
Hey
Hey!
The mayor you know
and trust.
It's time to be brave, Mr Mayor.
I'm gonna murder every one of
them little terracotta fucks!
Be careful. They've killed two of us already
and they'll kill again.
Nope.
Sarge? Sarge, Sarge, watch out!
Help!
Sarge, watch out!
No!
Sarge! Sarge, are you OK? What happened?
- It's fine. It's OK.
- What happened? Tell me!
It's fine. I just need a minute, OK?
If they need you, go. Go! Go!
- I'm gonna be right back.
- Oh, dear
Fire?!
Ta-da!
Autograph?
Fuck you.
Oh, no, no, no, not the photocopy room!
Nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah!
Stop. Stop! I have a system. Stop!
That's it!
Damn well being alive!
Oh, no, out of toner!
- Josie, do something!
- I'm handling it, Ellie!
- Ellie, where are you?
- We're in here.
- Are you OK?
- Yes.
Should we?
You have got to be kidding me.
Josie!
Oh! Whoa!
Hey, you know that thing I said
about not getting angry?
I was wrong. Get angry!
Those are the good pens!
Arn, it's back.
This is insane.
Hi.
Arnold!
Ohhh! Goal!
You don't break the rules. The rules break you.
Come on!
We nailed it!
Wait, where's Susan?
And where's Bev?
No, no no, no No, no, no, no!
Guys! Guys, it's Bev!
They're coming through. They're coming through!
- Run. Run!
- Gotta go now!
Arn, get up! Come on!
Everybody stay close.
Evening, Officers.
Anyone seen a pair of red-hot monster hunters?
Oh, wait a minute. That's us.
Creatures that you know
Afraid to see They know what you are
It's them
They're stepping off the lawn
Nowhere to hide You won't survive till dawn
Glowing eyes, a mean complexion
A terracotta invasion
In the night they're waking up
Out of sight They're out for blood! ♪