Happy Days (1974) s01e04 Episode Script

1
One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
Put your glad rags on, join me, hon
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the clock strikes two, three, and four
If the band slows down, we'll yell for more
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the chimes ring five, six, and seven
We'll be right in seventh heaven
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
When the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then
Start a-rockin' 'round the clock again
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock, rock, rock till broad daylight
We're gonna rock, gonna rock around the clock tonight
Hi.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That engine sounds nice.
Hey, it don't sound nice. Nat King Cole sounds nice.
This engine sounds fast.
Ralph, what did you do to your car? It sounds really fast.
Fonzie fixed it up.
It can lay rubber in three gears, not counting reverse.
My mother could outrun that heap
with her good leg tied behind her.
Oh, hey.
Oh, yeah?
That's telling him, Ralph.
Hey, Malph, why don't you put
your motor where your mouth is?
Hey, Skizzy's challenging Ralph to a drag race.
- He is?
- Yeah, 7:00 tonight at the airport road.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well Yeah, I'd run you, Skiz,
but, um, well, dragging's against the law.
Well, since you put it that way, you're on.
Oh, yeah. FONZIE: Cool it.
Now, uh, Ralph ain't ever raced before.
Yeah? Then he'll learn the hard way.
Uh, maybe you're gonna learn the hard way.
What's that mean?
That means that Ralph here ain't gonna drive tonight. I am.
- Oh, hey.
- Can you drive Ralph's car?
Two bits, four bits, six bits a dollar.
AN for Fonzie stand and holler. Yeah!
Why does she do that?
You know, she's a cheerleader. They do that all the time.
Man, she must be murder on a date.
With you driving,
this has gotta be the greatest drag race of the century.
Hey, hey, hey, half greatest.
That banana Skizzy is in it.
Come on. RALPH: Right.
- What'll it be, fellas?
- Nothing, we're just talking.
Ordering three nothings is not going to thrill the boss.
"Ordering three nothings is not gonna thrill the boss."
- Well, I'll have a lime rickey.
- That will thrill him.
I really dig Skizzy's girl.
In fact, I dig all the Assorted Nuts.
- They're really a tough club.
- Yeah.
I used to date Chestnut.
- You kidding me?
- Yeah.
She's the best nut.
How's it going?
You know, Skizzy's girl, she reminds me of some movie star.
Yeah, what's her name?
- I don't know.
- I know her. Her name's Jean.
I'd go over there and make some time, but she's with Skizzy.
- Oh, yeah? Not anymore.
- Huh?
I mean, uh, now's your chance.
Oh, uh, I don't know.
While you're over there, ask her
what movie star she reminds me of.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, Robby.
Richie.
Are you going to the drag race?
Sure, I'm gonna ride in the car with Skizzy.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, don't we have the same lunch period?
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, you know, I noticed that you
eat a lot of tuna fish in the cafeteria.
Well, yeah, I heard it makes your hair soft.
- Oh, really?
- Sure, it's the oil in the tuna. Feel.
Hey, Cunningham, what's with your hands today?
At first you put them on my car,
and now I find them on my girl.
Well, we were just, uh We were just discussing tuna fish.
Oh, and you thought her hair was a net.
That's it. That's it, Annette. Annette Funicello.
You put mouse ears on her, you couldn't tell them apart.
Hey, little brother, that's 16 to 14.
- Hey, what's shaking?
- Potsie, you're looking pretty snazzy.
Well, I had to go to the airport with my folks.
My father was winner of Tri-State
Oil's clean restroom award,
so they got a free weekend in Atlantic City.
Potsie's staying over at our house while his folks are gone.
Fine, Pots. Come on, Richie, move.
Hey, go, Rich.
Hey, Joanie, you're interrupting my lay-up.
- Sorry.
- Hey, wait.
Did I miss anything good today at Arnold's?
Yeah. You know Skizzy Scharlach?
- Yeah.
He challenged Ralph Malph to a
drag race out at the airport road.
That's cool.
Fonzie is driving Ralph's car.
It'll be drag-racing history. Let's be there.
Oh, come on.
Wow. That's 20-14. Game.
Look, I gotta get back to dorm. See you, Potsie.
- See you later, Chuck.
- Oh, man, I couldn't hit a shot.
I mean, he really clobbered me this time.
Why, 20-14 isn't so bad.
He spotted me 14 points before we started.
Oh.
Hey, Rich, uh, are you sure it's cool that I stay here?
Why wouldn't it be?
I don't know, every time I come over to your house,
I feel like your father's always avoiding me.
He's always going to the bathroom to wash his hands.
I never noticed that before.
All I know is, whenever I leave your house,
your father always has wrinkled fingers.
Look, I better be making tracks. Gotta pack.
- See you later, alligator.
- All right.
I'm not gonna be a baton twirler,
I'm gonna be a basketball player.
Think fast.
- A guest is a guest.
- I don't consider Potsie a guest.
He's been over here so often,
sometimes I think we bought
this house with him already in it.
I think it's nice that Richard has his friends stay over.
- Help me, dear.
- Oh, sure.
I'll bet he wears that same shirt
with the blue and white stripes.
Every time he comes to this house, he wears the same shirt.
What are you doing, Daddy?
Well, your mother wouldn't dance with me.
Hey, Potsie, come on in.
- Uh, everything cool?
- Sure.
Hey, you know, the drag race starts at 9:00.
We should get there by 8:30. RICHIE: Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, Mrs. C.
- Hello, Potsie.
- Uh, where's Mr. C.?
He stopped by the bathroom to wash his hands.
What'd I tell you?
- His hands were probably dirty.
- Yeah.
- Oh, hi, Mr. C.
- Potsie.
- Nice shirt.
- Oh, thanks.
Mmm, Mrs. C., this is the best dinner I've ever had.
Thank you.
Gee, Potsie, you should act this nice all the time.
Then people wouldn't think you're such a nerd.
Joanie.
- Thanks.
- They wouldn't.
What have you got planned for tonight?
Oh, just gonna do some homework.
They never give us enough time for that stuff.
I had plenty of time to do my homework.
Wasn't there a lot less to learn back then?
Not that much less, Marion.
And I took time to play football.
You played football?
- Howard once got into a game.
- Hmm.
- I recovered a fumble.
- Wasn't it your own fumble, dear?
Marion.
I bet you were some athlete, Mr. C.
Did you ever play against Jim Thorpe?
Jim Thorpe played high school football in 1906.
You didn't play against him then, huh?
I gotta wash my hands.
Couldn't you speed it up, huh? We're supposed to meet Ralph.
Hey, Potsie, maybe you'd know.
If you use the same footnote twice,
do you use op. Cit. Or ibid.?
- I don't use footnotes.
- Thanks a lot.
Hey, Rich. Look.
- Huh?
- Look.
- I'll see you later.
- No, wait. Come help me. Don't go.
Pick something up, will you?
Okay.
Ready? Open it.
Ralph.
Ralph.
- It's only me, guys.
- What are you doing here?
Listen, Fonzie had a rush job at the garage.
So the time's been changed to midnight.
Oh, that's pretty late.
Oh, hey, I'm sorry if it interferes
with your bed die-bye time.
Don't worry, Ralph, we'll be there.
Hey, you can catch a ride with Burt. Okay?
Hey, I gotta go over and tell Frankie. I'll see you.
Yeah.
These two-storey houses are killing me.
Potsie, Why'd you tell him we'd be there?
I don't think my parents are gonna let us out of the house.
- Don't sweat it. We'll sneak out.
- Sneak out.
Sure. If we get caught, it's worth
any punishment they can dish out.
That's easy for you to say. Your father's in Atlantic City.
Ha, that's right, baby.
Think fast.
Tune in next week for part two of our story,
when Eliot Ness meets Frank Nitti face to face.
- I love The Untouchables.
- Oh, it's always exciting.
Tonight especially. You know, for a minute there,
I thought I saw Eliot Ness move his mouth.
- I guess we better hit the books, huh?
- Oh, yeah, right.
Come on, Rich, let's sneak out.
We'll be the only ones within
50 miles who won't be at the race.
Oh, I don't know.
Rich, Fonzie is driving against Skizzy.
It's worth anything to see that.
- It's too risky.
- Oh, Rich.
- Jean will be there.
- So?
So you got a crush on her.
I do not.
Oh, Rich.
You know, it might not be all that risky.
Now we're cooking with gas. Come on.
Now what are you doing?
Putting on a little aftershave lotion.
For a drag race?
I hope it's essence of burning rubber.
- After you.
- Okay.
Howard? Howard.
What is it, Marion?
The boys aren't in their room.
I'll be out in a minute.
They aren't anywhere in the house. Did you see them leave?
Not from here, Marion.
I bet I know where they went.
I bet they snuck out to the drag races at airport road.
Did I hear someone mention a drag race?
Howard, you have to run out and
find them before they get into trouble.
I can't run out anywhere right now, Marion.
Ralph, where's Fonzie?
Don't worry. He's doing some last-minute work on my rod.
Oh, oh, yeah.
Hey, I don't see Fonzie, uh, maybe he's chicken.
- Don't count on it, Skiz.
- We'll see.
- Hi, Jean.
- Oh, hi, Richie.
- Listen, uh, good luck tonight.
- Thanks.
Is that you smelling like that?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just put on a little aftershave, you know?
It's nice. Skizzy always smells like gasoline.
Oh, well, I believe a guy should
try and smell his best at all times.
Gasoline is Skizzy's best.
There's Fonzie.
All right, Fonzie.
Starting to sweat, huh, Skiz, huh? Fire.
Okay, you guys ready? Ready?
Hey, wait a minute. He can't start the race.
- Why not?
- Because, dummy,
he's prejudiced. He'll cheat.
How is he gonna cheat, you turkey?
Throw himself in front of your fast, fast rod?
Look,
I want another starter or I don't
drag. Get somebody who's honest.
- All right, who's here that's honest?
- I am.
Ah.
All right, Cunningham. Cunningham.
- He's honest.
- Okay by me.
Oh, uh, listen, you see, uh
I never started a drag race before, you know? I
It's all right.
All you gotta do is say ready, set, go,
and drop that flag. Got it?
All right.
Okay.
Ready,
set
- Richard.
- Dad.
Hey, wait a minute. What is this?
Richard, I am very disappointed in you.
Cops. Cops.
Jean, are you all right?
Richie, come on, we gotta Oh, hi, Mr. C. See you.
Hi, officer. Uh, I'm Potsie
Weber of the school safety patrol.
I'm here on a special undercover assignment.
Need any help? You don't need any.
Officer, am I glad to see you.
These kids, they were gonna have a drag race,
and I came out looking for my son, and
Oh, I'll bet you're wondering
what I'm doing with this flag, huh?
Oh, no.
- Wait. Richard-No
- I'm right with you, Dad.
You don't understand, officer.
I can explain this whole thing.
You see, I came out here because my son was in a drag race.
Now, he wasn't driving, he doesn't even have a car.
He had a car, but he sold it for $25
Ah, it's the children's hour.
This isn't a nice way to spend an evening, is it?
You could all be home, tucked in your nice little beds,
but you had to go out and have a nasty old drag race.
Now, in case you haven't heard lately,
drag racing is a no-no in this state.
You don't make me very happy, kids.
You're a little old for this kind
of thing, aren't you, sonny?
I tried to explain to the other officer. I'm his father.
Oh, I get it. The family that plays together
Sergeant, I can explain what happened
You'll get your chance to explain later,
so just hold your horses.
- Dad
- We'll talk when we get home.
Boy, will we talk.
Oh, Fonzie.
I'm ashamed of you.
I never expected to see you in here for dragging,
especially against Skizzy.
Now, don't tell me you lost your cool.
Hey, Skizzy insulted a friend here.
I mean, I just thought it was my duty to drive.
Well, I guess chivalry ain't what it used to be.
All right, now look, I'm gonna call all your parents
so they can come and get you.
Of course, that doesn't apply to those of you
who get arrested on the family plan.
- Uh, sir.
- Yeah?
- I'm with him.
- Who?
- Me.
- Oh.
Don't tell me, you're starting your own teenage gang.
His parents are out of town.
Yeah, my father won a trip to Atlantic City
for having the cleanest restrooms.
How nice. Okay, that's it. Dragnet's over.
The Dagwood of crime, come on.
You bring your gang and come with me.
I can't wait to hear your story.
All right, everybody in the waiting
room until somebody picks you up.
I'm sorry you got into this, Mr. C.
Mr. C., would it make you feel any
better if I told you it was my fault?
I mean, I'm the one who talked Rich into sneaking out.
It doesn't make any difference, huh?
I think I'll go wash my hands.
Well, how'd it go, dear?
It went fine, Marion. We'll discuss it later.
All right.
Isn't it way past your bedtime, Joanie?
It's past everybody's bedtime. Did you punish Richie?
Yes, I punished him. Now go to bed, huh?
- What did you do to him?
- I gave him what he deserved.
Now will you go to bed?
Couldn't you give me a few
details? I've been waiting a long time.
No details.
Now, if you don't go to bed by the time I count to three
- Just a hint?
- No hint.
- Now, one, two, three.
- Good night.
How did you punish him, Howard?
Well, I'm the father, Marion,
and I used cool, fatherly logic,
and gave him a just punishment.
Grounded for life?
I mean, what is that supposed to mean, grounded for life?
It means your dad's pretty mad.
Oh, I've never seen him this upset before.
Grounded for life.
Don't take it too hard. It'll probably
blow over by the time you're 30.
Come in.
Howard.
Howard?
Your father has something to tell you.
Howard.
I've, uh, decided that you're just grounded for four
Two weeks.
Two weeks.
It'll go fast.
Thanks, Mom.
There, you see, you been paroled already.
- Yeah.
- Hey, you know, Rich,
your dad's really neat.
He could have really been
tough on you, but he kept his cool.
Do you think he could adopt me before my father gets home?
Come on, Fonz, you can do it. Come on.
It ain't time yet.
I can beat you with both hands tied behind my back.
Yeah? Now it's time.
Way to go, Fonz.
That settles it. I would have won the drag race.
Oh, that settles nothing.
Oh, yeah? Come on, goofball. Let's do it again.
- Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Fonzie is the winner.
- Hey, Richie.
- Oh, hi.
Sorry about last night.
Oh, listen, it wasn't too bad.
I mean, I only got grounded for a couple of weeks.
Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Listen, it's 5:30.
Everybody who's grounded better beat it. Come on.
Well, I guess I'll see you in biology tomorrow.
Yeah, maybe we'll share a microscope.
Those drag races just kill business.