He Had It Coming (2025) s01e04 Episode Script
Clit Pong
1
VICE-CHANCELLOR:
We are looking for information
regarding this bracelet.
ELISE: You still have
that bracelet, right?
SHEPHERD: You don't own
one of these, do you?
BARBARA: That cop's onto me.
And I have to keep
a very needy Rory happy
to be the Doe.
All we need to do
is find the killer.
So we're looking for a feminist
with keys to the therapy room.
What the fuck?!
ELISE: I thought
you were the killers.
You have keys to
the women's therapy room.
Two men killed! This is
the feminist agenda at play!
What were you saying about
the boys calming down?
-ELISE: Did you see
-BARBARA: Yep.
I guess she remembers us, then.
PHOENIX: So, what do we see?
Come on, we're all adults here.
We all have brains.
We have thoughts and feelings.
What are we seeing?
Women licking jam off a car?
Yes.
Women licking jam
off a car
from Allan Kaprow's
landmark happenings series
from the 1960s.
Yeah, so, when we describe
something as art,
we make art.
FEMALE STUDENT: Mm. (LAUGHS)
Mm. and let's apply this
to our own context.
(CLICK!)
-Ooh!
-(STUDENTS MUTTER)
Yeah, I know, I thought that
might get your attention.
This is a raw, primal attack
on toxic masculinity
so rarely seen
in Australian culture.
STUDENT: Mm. Mm.
(PHONE RINGS)
PHOENIX: Yeah.
And then
we have this
(PHONE CLICKS)
I'd say immature, petulant,
-flaccid attempt
-(STUDENT LAUGHS)
to curb feminine rage.
It's gross.
I could talk a lot more
(PHOENIX CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
-Elise. Oh, sorry.
-Ooh!
Too close. I knew it.
Hey. Prue really wants you
to come tonight.
Oh, me? Why?
Just be there.
I wish someone was excited
for me to go to a party.
I wonder if that flyer
admits two.
I'm sure it does.
Sorry, Ivan, I have to go.
I need to find Barbara.
-Sorry. Sorry.
-Out of my way.
IVAN: Oh, whoops! Oh, ow.
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! ♪
ROACH: So we've abandoned
the hotline
that was just overrun
with, um, prank calls and, um
Dick pics.
ROACH: So we've set up a
physical tip-off box as well.
And re last night,
obviously, it's not ideal,
but we have arrested
the students responsible
for the counter protest
and for burning the effigy.
Yes, I called
the Commissioner about that.
He's an old friend.
He's assured me that they'll be
released this morning.
(SNIGGERS)
Sorry. Why?
They burnt a witch and
spray-painted "Kill all women"
over the women's room entrance.
It's a clear escalation
of threat!
These terrified boys
are rightly lashing out
that no legitimate arrest
has been made.
And what exactly
are you going to do about this?
(VICE-CHANCELLOR
PUTS PAMPHLET DOWN)
SHEPHERD: Well,
it's a party, so
-bring a plate.
-Shepherd!
VICE-CHANCELLOR:
I beg your pardon!
It's ridiculous!
We're trying to find a murderer.
This is the beginning
of a gender war on campus.
ROACH: We'll keep an eye on it.
You will do the right thing
and shut it down.
(DOOR SHUTS)
So I guess in the two years
you two have been here
you haven't had
Friday night drinks.
Oh, no, this is just
standard bullshit from her.
Everything's about optics.
Honestly, her one priority
is placating those boys
and their rich donor parents.
Shutting down that party
is not gonna keep the boys safe.
I agree.
But your job is funded
by the board, right?
So unless you want to go back
to traffic duty,
I suggest that you stop
wasting energy on it
and just do what we're told.
Fine.
Why don't you just buy
plain biscuits?!
(DOOR THUDS)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(SIGHS) Personal space not
really a thing in Scotland?
England. What is it about me
that's giving Scottish?
This was here when I arrived.
Scared the hell out of me.
And I think it's a message
from Prue.
I think she's gonna
tell everyone
that we're the ones
who vandalised the statue.
Blaide gave me this
and then she tapped on her nose
in the same way that Prue did.
This isn't from Prue.
It's a sign from the college
that they've finally picked Rory
to be the Buck,
which which means I'm the Doe.
Why did they deliver it here?
Surely they'd deliver it
to your dorm room.
I get all my stuff sent here.
Oh, OK, OK.
I'm-I'm happy for you.
But it doesn't take away
from the fact
that Prue knows something.
She's probably gonna
tell the police.
OK, we'll go to the party.
We'll find out what they know,
what they want,
and then I'll get ready
for the ceremony.
Deal.
What time's the ceremony?
(SIGHS) An officiant will let
Rory and I know when it's time.
-(PHONE RINGS)
-Wait, aren't you guys fighting?
BARBARA: No.
-He's obsessed with me.
-(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
All I have to do
is like his messages.
Ping!
He'll be fine.
OK.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-You waited.
-Course, bruh.
No worries.
No man left behind. Hmm.
Do you need a lift?
-I've got space in my car.
-It'll be fine.
-Barbara's always late.
-OK.
(CLICKS PHONE)
RORY ON PHONE:
Babz, it's me. I need you.
I've accidentally
done a hate crime.
I've set a witch on fire.
They've arrested me.
Call me back.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
It's ridiculous. Like, they get
all the funding and
Alright, gentle sirs.
This is Rory.
He helped me witch-burn
last night.
Aren't you, like,
captain of the Bucks?
Uh, I guess.
-By default.
-So you're, like, an ultra-Chad?
-Why are we working with a jock?
-Dorian
Rory's friend was killed
by the feminists.
That is why we're all here.
Look, I don't want any trouble.
I can just
We're men's rights activists,
not basement-dwelling incels.
JARED: Alright.
Just sign there and you're
you're one of us.
(CLEARS THROAT)
BARBARA: They have zero chill
when it comes to
exclamation marks.
ELISE: I hope we get in.
(SCOFFS) Please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Name one feminist.
One? OK, I can name so many.
Uh, Simone de Beauvoir, obvs.
Um, bell hooks.
Yeah, OK.
Beyoncé.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Yeah, OK.
OK, so let's talk strategy.
I think, obviously,
I make a better good cop
because my natural resting face
is not as bitchy.
PRUE: You fucks!
('SAFARI' BY SRIRACHA PLAYS)
She's doing it. She's doing it!
I'm lurking in the tall grass
I'm the main bitch in the cast
Think slow but speak fast ♪
Hey, Blaide.
-What do you want from us?
-PRUE: What do you want?
I remember you.
Yeah? You do?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, but you don't know
why we did it.
-You don't know the full story.
-Elise!
It's free entertainment!
-That's a flippant way
-Why are you blackmailing us?
-of describing a murder.
-PRUE: I can help you.
Nose ring girl.
OK, seriously,
you two have some kind of
bizarre nose ring connection?
Oh. OK, let me explain.
I think maybe one day
I asked her about her nose
Um, so, to be clear,
you-you don't know,
uh, who the killer is?
-I-I do know.
-Who?
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, um, sorry,
that must be mine.
What are you
so squirrelly about?
She's waiting on a text. She's
the Doe for Stephen's College.
PRUE: Blaide!
Blaide.
Hey again, Blaide.
-Hey.
-Babe, we are in the presence
of the Stephen's College Doe!
Oh!
Wow.
(PRUE AND BLAIDE SCOFF)
So welcoming. So inclusive.
Yeah, being a woman doesn't give
you an automatic feminist card.
Actually, I think it does.
The ceremony is tradition.
So is sexism. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, don't mistake
men calling you hot
and opening doors for you
for, uh, actually
being seen as a person.
And don't mistake running around
with a nose ring
and being judgey
for being morally superior.
PRUE: You know,
girls like you think
you can play by their rules,
but, sweetie, one day,
you're gonna look up and see
that you're stuck in a cage,
just like the rest of us.
-Oh.
-You can't be neutral.
Not ever, no matter how nice
you think your hair is.
I'm not neutral.
I actually think the murders
might be a good thing
for for women.
So
Prue,
Blaidey,
why don't you tell me
who you think the killer is?
I promise, we can just keep it
between the four of us.
No.
I reckon we should just
(STUDENTS CHEER AND LAUGH)
What if I earned it?
This is clit pong.
It's like beer pong but harder,
'cause the cups are smaller
and more difficult
to get a bullseye with.
OK, and, um, if I win,
you'll tell us who the
(CLEARS THROAT) ..is.
Sure, nose ring girl.
(WHISPERS) I've got this.
I don't know that you do.
PRUE: Fair warning,
I've got a lot of experience
finding the clit.
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
(ANIMATED ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
STUDENTS: Shot,
shot, shot, shot!
Shot, shot, shot, shot!
-Shot, shot, shot, shot!
-(CHEERING)
(KISSES BALL)
-STUDENT: Yeah!
-(CHEERING)
Eugh.
STUDENTS: Elise!
Elise! Elise! Elise!
-(CHEERING)
-Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, whatever.
Oh!
STUDENTS: Chug,
chug, chug, chug!
(CHEERING)
STUDENTS: Loser!
(LAUGHTER)
STUDENTS: Chug,
chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug
(CHEERING)
(PHONE RINGS)
STUDENTS: Chug,
chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug!
(CHEERING)
BARBARA: It's your mum, again.
Answer the phone.
Mum, I can't talk right now.
I'm playing clit pong.
Um, this is my best friend,
Barbara.
Uh, just, actually, friend.
I added the 'best' bit just now.
Elise, don't go.
See? She's fine.
Not sober, but fine.
So, you can stop calling.
Look, I
I just wondered if you were OK
being her friend.
Yes. Why wouldn't I be?
It's just, well, I know she
can be a bit much sometimes.
With her friendship.
But if she is, please,
don't go to campus security.
We don't need
another stalking charge.
Just come straight to me, OK?
Yeah, sure.
Um
Yeah, she told me about it.
-It's
-Oh.
-It's not an issue.
-OK, well
Um
Thank you.
(CHEERING)
ELISE: Babz! Barbara!
Barbara, did you see that?
I'm winning.
Bagpiper's fingers.
(CHEERING)
(BATS SQUEAK)
STUDENTS: Elise!
Elise! Elise! Elise!
Elise! Elise! Elise!
Elise! Elise!
(CHEERING)
(THROWS PLASTIC CUP) Urgh!
(CHEERING)
PRUE: OK, OK.
-Alright, everyone.
-Disloyal.
I need space. I need space.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ELISE: I did it, Babz.
BARBARA: You did.
Well?
Kaye Blanchett.
Cate Blanchett?
-The actress?
-PRUE: Actor.
Oh, you're fucking with us.
Kaye Blanchett, the arts major.
Scott and Lyle
both broke up with her
in famously public ways.
She defs did it.
Isn't isn't that a little bit
anti-feminist to say?
And she's a drama fiend,
like, so dramatic.
-Mm.
-She defs killed them.
Oh, my God, you're a genius.
OK, Barbara.
-We should go and find her.
-BARBARA: Yeah.
-Oh. Oh.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh!
What if we got a bit more
fucked up
with our protests?
You know? Like the MRAs.
Like, we could burn their shit!
Hey, what do you say?
Or maybe we could do
some more shots.
PRUE: What?
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
Kill all men! Kill all men!
Not women!
CAROLINE: Your friend
is super drunk.
ELISE: Bye-bye!
She's fine.
ROACH: Jacobs, so, your only job
is to make sure
that the men's rights boys
stay in check, OK?
JACOBS: Got it.
ROACH: Remind them
that we're on their side.
You'll take a couple of campus
security, couple of uniforms,
and then I'll go with Shep.
You cannot be serious.
A pack of us
are gonna barge in there,
provoke a group of peaceful
women in the middle of a party?
No, the VC
and the women themselves
have labelled it a protest,
and so we are within our right
to police that.
It's a tiny party, Roach.
It's a non-event!
Just, look, give me
a five-minute head start.
I will go in there
and talk to them.
I'll get everyone out
peacefully.
Nose ring.
PRUE AND BLAIDE: Nose ring
Nose ring.
Nose ring
Nose ring.
Nose ring.
Nose ring
Nose ring.
Nose ring
Nose ring.
('UNDER MY SKIN' BY GAUCI)
Nose ring.
Nose ring
I'm always told I look bored
That it's written on my face
I'm too shy to correct them
To put them in their place
"Give me a smile!"
I should have faked it
I laughed it off
Even though I really hate it
So I'm grinding my teeth
And I'm hiding it all
Don't want to cause a scene
When they smell like alcohol
And you don't understand
How it makes me afraid
That nothing will change
No matter what we say ♪
Wait. Wait, where's Barbara?
(UNSETTLING MUSIC)
Barbara! Barbara!
(ELISE SCREAMS)
-(PARTY CHATTER)
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Prue?
(MUSIC THROBS)
-So cute.
-What?
-Oh!
-OK.
OK, ladies, that's enough.
It's time to go.
Cop, fuck off!
It's just time to pack it in,
that's all.
All cops are bastards!
I'm doing this for you.
BLAIDE: ACAB!
STUDENTS: ACAB!
ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!
I'm doing this for you!
STUDENTS: ACAB! ACAB!
ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!
-(GRUNTS)
-ACAB! ACAB!
-ACAB
-(WOMEN JEER)
-(JEERING CONTINUES)
-ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!
You hurt?
Told you peaceful wouldn't work.
Rightio, just back off, alright?
(SWITCH CLICKS)
(TOMMO SIGHS)
He's not turning up.
Rory's coming.
Huh.
Look, Babz,
he must still be with the MRAs.
I'm the Doe.
Not without your Buck.
I am.
I deserve this.
Jess, Debbie, tell him.
(SCOFFS)
We haven't seen you, like,
all week, Barbara.
DEBBIE: What?
You've been spending
all your time
with that weird bagpipe chick.
No! No.
Rory's been grieving
and I've been helping him.
I think we've all been grieving,
actually.
And the Doe, their one job
is to hold everyone together.
The Doe manages the entire
college's social calendar.
It's important. You used to
think that this was important.
I do.
The Doe is meant to be
everybody's friend,
like, it's a two-way thing.
I don't even know you, Barbara.
Yes, you do!
DEBBIE:
I've never met your family.
You're so right. We don't even
know what school you went to.
I've never seen your dorm room.
You've never even told me
where you go for Euro summer.
OK, OK, I'll tell you.
I just don't think that the Doe
is right for you this year.
I'm sorry.
Stretch, do you have your Doe?
Oh.
(BOTH LAUGH)
-We made it! We made it!
-Yeah.
(STRETCH MOANS)
You can take your place
as a handmaiden.
Fuck you.
(GENTLE, AIRY MUSIC)
(SOBS)
(WHISPERS) Hi, Elise.
This is Elise.
-(WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS)
-This is Barbara for
Elise?
(TENDER MUSIC)
I thought I wanted it, but
I didn't have time to think.
Come on.
(ELISE GROANS)
BARBARA: Let's go.
(DOOR CLOSES)
('IF YOU CALL MY NAME'
BY DANIKA)
If you call my name
I'll be anywhere
That you are
If
You call
My name
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
But you got no credit
and your phone screen's fucked
So I guess it's up to me
If we're to keep in touch, eh?
You said you're lonely
when I leave your place
But when I'm there
You tell me
that you need your space
So I, I go about it
in my own separate way
I'm not comfortable
feeling like
I need you more
than you need me
Go 'bout it
in my own separate way
In my own separate way
But if
You call ♪
(ELISE WHISPERS) Night, Barbara.
My name
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
But you got no credit
and your phone screen's fucked
So I guess it's up to me
If we're to keep in touch, eh?
You said you're lonely
When I leave your place
But when I'm there
You tell me that
You need your space
But if
You call
My name
I'll be anywhere
That you are ♪
VICE-CHANCELLOR:
We are looking for information
regarding this bracelet.
ELISE: You still have
that bracelet, right?
SHEPHERD: You don't own
one of these, do you?
BARBARA: That cop's onto me.
And I have to keep
a very needy Rory happy
to be the Doe.
All we need to do
is find the killer.
So we're looking for a feminist
with keys to the therapy room.
What the fuck?!
ELISE: I thought
you were the killers.
You have keys to
the women's therapy room.
Two men killed! This is
the feminist agenda at play!
What were you saying about
the boys calming down?
-ELISE: Did you see
-BARBARA: Yep.
I guess she remembers us, then.
PHOENIX: So, what do we see?
Come on, we're all adults here.
We all have brains.
We have thoughts and feelings.
What are we seeing?
Women licking jam off a car?
Yes.
Women licking jam
off a car
from Allan Kaprow's
landmark happenings series
from the 1960s.
Yeah, so, when we describe
something as art,
we make art.
FEMALE STUDENT: Mm. (LAUGHS)
Mm. and let's apply this
to our own context.
(CLICK!)
-Ooh!
-(STUDENTS MUTTER)
Yeah, I know, I thought that
might get your attention.
This is a raw, primal attack
on toxic masculinity
so rarely seen
in Australian culture.
STUDENT: Mm. Mm.
(PHONE RINGS)
PHOENIX: Yeah.
And then
we have this
(PHONE CLICKS)
I'd say immature, petulant,
-flaccid attempt
-(STUDENT LAUGHS)
to curb feminine rage.
It's gross.
I could talk a lot more
(PHOENIX CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
-Elise. Oh, sorry.
-Ooh!
Too close. I knew it.
Hey. Prue really wants you
to come tonight.
Oh, me? Why?
Just be there.
I wish someone was excited
for me to go to a party.
I wonder if that flyer
admits two.
I'm sure it does.
Sorry, Ivan, I have to go.
I need to find Barbara.
-Sorry. Sorry.
-Out of my way.
IVAN: Oh, whoops! Oh, ow.
Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya! ♪
ROACH: So we've abandoned
the hotline
that was just overrun
with, um, prank calls and, um
Dick pics.
ROACH: So we've set up a
physical tip-off box as well.
And re last night,
obviously, it's not ideal,
but we have arrested
the students responsible
for the counter protest
and for burning the effigy.
Yes, I called
the Commissioner about that.
He's an old friend.
He's assured me that they'll be
released this morning.
(SNIGGERS)
Sorry. Why?
They burnt a witch and
spray-painted "Kill all women"
over the women's room entrance.
It's a clear escalation
of threat!
These terrified boys
are rightly lashing out
that no legitimate arrest
has been made.
And what exactly
are you going to do about this?
(VICE-CHANCELLOR
PUTS PAMPHLET DOWN)
SHEPHERD: Well,
it's a party, so
-bring a plate.
-Shepherd!
VICE-CHANCELLOR:
I beg your pardon!
It's ridiculous!
We're trying to find a murderer.
This is the beginning
of a gender war on campus.
ROACH: We'll keep an eye on it.
You will do the right thing
and shut it down.
(DOOR SHUTS)
So I guess in the two years
you two have been here
you haven't had
Friday night drinks.
Oh, no, this is just
standard bullshit from her.
Everything's about optics.
Honestly, her one priority
is placating those boys
and their rich donor parents.
Shutting down that party
is not gonna keep the boys safe.
I agree.
But your job is funded
by the board, right?
So unless you want to go back
to traffic duty,
I suggest that you stop
wasting energy on it
and just do what we're told.
Fine.
Why don't you just buy
plain biscuits?!
(DOOR THUDS)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(SIGHS) Personal space not
really a thing in Scotland?
England. What is it about me
that's giving Scottish?
This was here when I arrived.
Scared the hell out of me.
And I think it's a message
from Prue.
I think she's gonna
tell everyone
that we're the ones
who vandalised the statue.
Blaide gave me this
and then she tapped on her nose
in the same way that Prue did.
This isn't from Prue.
It's a sign from the college
that they've finally picked Rory
to be the Buck,
which which means I'm the Doe.
Why did they deliver it here?
Surely they'd deliver it
to your dorm room.
I get all my stuff sent here.
Oh, OK, OK.
I'm-I'm happy for you.
But it doesn't take away
from the fact
that Prue knows something.
She's probably gonna
tell the police.
OK, we'll go to the party.
We'll find out what they know,
what they want,
and then I'll get ready
for the ceremony.
Deal.
What time's the ceremony?
(SIGHS) An officiant will let
Rory and I know when it's time.
-(PHONE RINGS)
-Wait, aren't you guys fighting?
BARBARA: No.
-He's obsessed with me.
-(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
All I have to do
is like his messages.
Ping!
He'll be fine.
OK.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
-You waited.
-Course, bruh.
No worries.
No man left behind. Hmm.
Do you need a lift?
-I've got space in my car.
-It'll be fine.
-Barbara's always late.
-OK.
(CLICKS PHONE)
RORY ON PHONE:
Babz, it's me. I need you.
I've accidentally
done a hate crime.
I've set a witch on fire.
They've arrested me.
Call me back.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC)
It's ridiculous. Like, they get
all the funding and
Alright, gentle sirs.
This is Rory.
He helped me witch-burn
last night.
Aren't you, like,
captain of the Bucks?
Uh, I guess.
-By default.
-So you're, like, an ultra-Chad?
-Why are we working with a jock?
-Dorian
Rory's friend was killed
by the feminists.
That is why we're all here.
Look, I don't want any trouble.
I can just
We're men's rights activists,
not basement-dwelling incels.
JARED: Alright.
Just sign there and you're
you're one of us.
(CLEARS THROAT)
BARBARA: They have zero chill
when it comes to
exclamation marks.
ELISE: I hope we get in.
(SCOFFS) Please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Name one feminist.
One? OK, I can name so many.
Uh, Simone de Beauvoir, obvs.
Um, bell hooks.
Yeah, OK.
Beyoncé.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Yeah, OK.
OK, so let's talk strategy.
I think, obviously,
I make a better good cop
because my natural resting face
is not as bitchy.
PRUE: You fucks!
('SAFARI' BY SRIRACHA PLAYS)
She's doing it. She's doing it!
I'm lurking in the tall grass
I'm the main bitch in the cast
Think slow but speak fast ♪
Hey, Blaide.
-What do you want from us?
-PRUE: What do you want?
I remember you.
Yeah? You do?
Mm-hm.
Yeah, but you don't know
why we did it.
-You don't know the full story.
-Elise!
It's free entertainment!
-That's a flippant way
-Why are you blackmailing us?
-of describing a murder.
-PRUE: I can help you.
Nose ring girl.
OK, seriously,
you two have some kind of
bizarre nose ring connection?
Oh. OK, let me explain.
I think maybe one day
I asked her about her nose
Um, so, to be clear,
you-you don't know,
uh, who the killer is?
-I-I do know.
-Who?
(PHONE RINGS)
Oh, um, sorry,
that must be mine.
What are you
so squirrelly about?
She's waiting on a text. She's
the Doe for Stephen's College.
PRUE: Blaide!
Blaide.
Hey again, Blaide.
-Hey.
-Babe, we are in the presence
of the Stephen's College Doe!
Oh!
Wow.
(PRUE AND BLAIDE SCOFF)
So welcoming. So inclusive.
Yeah, being a woman doesn't give
you an automatic feminist card.
Actually, I think it does.
The ceremony is tradition.
So is sexism. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, don't mistake
men calling you hot
and opening doors for you
for, uh, actually
being seen as a person.
And don't mistake running around
with a nose ring
and being judgey
for being morally superior.
PRUE: You know,
girls like you think
you can play by their rules,
but, sweetie, one day,
you're gonna look up and see
that you're stuck in a cage,
just like the rest of us.
-Oh.
-You can't be neutral.
Not ever, no matter how nice
you think your hair is.
I'm not neutral.
I actually think the murders
might be a good thing
for for women.
So
Prue,
Blaidey,
why don't you tell me
who you think the killer is?
I promise, we can just keep it
between the four of us.
No.
I reckon we should just
(STUDENTS CHEER AND LAUGH)
What if I earned it?
This is clit pong.
It's like beer pong but harder,
'cause the cups are smaller
and more difficult
to get a bullseye with.
OK, and, um, if I win,
you'll tell us who the
(CLEARS THROAT) ..is.
Sure, nose ring girl.
(WHISPERS) I've got this.
I don't know that you do.
PRUE: Fair warning,
I've got a lot of experience
finding the clit.
(WOMEN CHUCKLE)
(ANIMATED ELECTRONIC MUSIC)
STUDENTS: Shot,
shot, shot, shot!
Shot, shot, shot, shot!
-Shot, shot, shot, shot!
-(CHEERING)
(KISSES BALL)
-STUDENT: Yeah!
-(CHEERING)
Eugh.
STUDENTS: Elise!
Elise! Elise! Elise!
-(CHEERING)
-Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, whatever.
Oh!
STUDENTS: Chug,
chug, chug, chug!
(CHEERING)
STUDENTS: Loser!
(LAUGHTER)
STUDENTS: Chug,
chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug
(CHEERING)
(PHONE RINGS)
STUDENTS: Chug,
chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug!
(CHEERING)
BARBARA: It's your mum, again.
Answer the phone.
Mum, I can't talk right now.
I'm playing clit pong.
Um, this is my best friend,
Barbara.
Uh, just, actually, friend.
I added the 'best' bit just now.
Elise, don't go.
See? She's fine.
Not sober, but fine.
So, you can stop calling.
Look, I
I just wondered if you were OK
being her friend.
Yes. Why wouldn't I be?
It's just, well, I know she
can be a bit much sometimes.
With her friendship.
But if she is, please,
don't go to campus security.
We don't need
another stalking charge.
Just come straight to me, OK?
Yeah, sure.
Um
Yeah, she told me about it.
-It's
-Oh.
-It's not an issue.
-OK, well
Um
Thank you.
(CHEERING)
ELISE: Babz! Barbara!
Barbara, did you see that?
I'm winning.
Bagpiper's fingers.
(CHEERING)
(BATS SQUEAK)
STUDENTS: Elise!
Elise! Elise! Elise!
Elise! Elise! Elise!
Elise! Elise!
(CHEERING)
(THROWS PLASTIC CUP) Urgh!
(CHEERING)
PRUE: OK, OK.
-Alright, everyone.
-Disloyal.
I need space. I need space.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
ELISE: I did it, Babz.
BARBARA: You did.
Well?
Kaye Blanchett.
Cate Blanchett?
-The actress?
-PRUE: Actor.
Oh, you're fucking with us.
Kaye Blanchett, the arts major.
Scott and Lyle
both broke up with her
in famously public ways.
She defs did it.
Isn't isn't that a little bit
anti-feminist to say?
And she's a drama fiend,
like, so dramatic.
-Mm.
-She defs killed them.
Oh, my God, you're a genius.
OK, Barbara.
-We should go and find her.
-BARBARA: Yeah.
-Oh. Oh.
-Oh, my God.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh!
What if we got a bit more
fucked up
with our protests?
You know? Like the MRAs.
Like, we could burn their shit!
Hey, what do you say?
Or maybe we could do
some more shots.
PRUE: What?
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
(NOTIFICATION CHIMES)
Kill all men! Kill all men!
Not women!
CAROLINE: Your friend
is super drunk.
ELISE: Bye-bye!
She's fine.
ROACH: Jacobs, so, your only job
is to make sure
that the men's rights boys
stay in check, OK?
JACOBS: Got it.
ROACH: Remind them
that we're on their side.
You'll take a couple of campus
security, couple of uniforms,
and then I'll go with Shep.
You cannot be serious.
A pack of us
are gonna barge in there,
provoke a group of peaceful
women in the middle of a party?
No, the VC
and the women themselves
have labelled it a protest,
and so we are within our right
to police that.
It's a tiny party, Roach.
It's a non-event!
Just, look, give me
a five-minute head start.
I will go in there
and talk to them.
I'll get everyone out
peacefully.
Nose ring.
PRUE AND BLAIDE: Nose ring
Nose ring.
Nose ring
Nose ring.
Nose ring.
Nose ring
Nose ring.
Nose ring
Nose ring.
('UNDER MY SKIN' BY GAUCI)
Nose ring.
Nose ring
I'm always told I look bored
That it's written on my face
I'm too shy to correct them
To put them in their place
"Give me a smile!"
I should have faked it
I laughed it off
Even though I really hate it
So I'm grinding my teeth
And I'm hiding it all
Don't want to cause a scene
When they smell like alcohol
And you don't understand
How it makes me afraid
That nothing will change
No matter what we say ♪
Wait. Wait, where's Barbara?
(UNSETTLING MUSIC)
Barbara! Barbara!
(ELISE SCREAMS)
-(PARTY CHATTER)
-(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Prue?
(MUSIC THROBS)
-So cute.
-What?
-Oh!
-OK.
OK, ladies, that's enough.
It's time to go.
Cop, fuck off!
It's just time to pack it in,
that's all.
All cops are bastards!
I'm doing this for you.
BLAIDE: ACAB!
STUDENTS: ACAB!
ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!
I'm doing this for you!
STUDENTS: ACAB! ACAB!
ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!
-(GRUNTS)
-ACAB! ACAB!
-ACAB
-(WOMEN JEER)
-(JEERING CONTINUES)
-ACAB! ACAB! ACAB!
You hurt?
Told you peaceful wouldn't work.
Rightio, just back off, alright?
(SWITCH CLICKS)
(TOMMO SIGHS)
He's not turning up.
Rory's coming.
Huh.
Look, Babz,
he must still be with the MRAs.
I'm the Doe.
Not without your Buck.
I am.
I deserve this.
Jess, Debbie, tell him.
(SCOFFS)
We haven't seen you, like,
all week, Barbara.
DEBBIE: What?
You've been spending
all your time
with that weird bagpipe chick.
No! No.
Rory's been grieving
and I've been helping him.
I think we've all been grieving,
actually.
And the Doe, their one job
is to hold everyone together.
The Doe manages the entire
college's social calendar.
It's important. You used to
think that this was important.
I do.
The Doe is meant to be
everybody's friend,
like, it's a two-way thing.
I don't even know you, Barbara.
Yes, you do!
DEBBIE:
I've never met your family.
You're so right. We don't even
know what school you went to.
I've never seen your dorm room.
You've never even told me
where you go for Euro summer.
OK, OK, I'll tell you.
I just don't think that the Doe
is right for you this year.
I'm sorry.
Stretch, do you have your Doe?
Oh.
(BOTH LAUGH)
-We made it! We made it!
-Yeah.
(STRETCH MOANS)
You can take your place
as a handmaiden.
Fuck you.
(GENTLE, AIRY MUSIC)
(SOBS)
(WHISPERS) Hi, Elise.
This is Elise.
-(WALKIE-TALKIE BLEEPS)
-This is Barbara for
Elise?
(TENDER MUSIC)
I thought I wanted it, but
I didn't have time to think.
Come on.
(ELISE GROANS)
BARBARA: Let's go.
(DOOR CLOSES)
('IF YOU CALL MY NAME'
BY DANIKA)
If you call my name
I'll be anywhere
That you are
If
You call
My name
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
But you got no credit
and your phone screen's fucked
So I guess it's up to me
If we're to keep in touch, eh?
You said you're lonely
when I leave your place
But when I'm there
You tell me
that you need your space
So I, I go about it
in my own separate way
I'm not comfortable
feeling like
I need you more
than you need me
Go 'bout it
in my own separate way
In my own separate way
But if
You call ♪
(ELISE WHISPERS) Night, Barbara.
My name
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
But you got no credit
and your phone screen's fucked
So I guess it's up to me
If we're to keep in touch, eh?
You said you're lonely
When I leave your place
But when I'm there
You tell me that
You need your space
But if
You call
My name
I'll be anywhere
That you are ♪