Heading Out (2013) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
One rat rope bridge, six nibbling cubes and a hamster snuggle pouch.
Yeah, check.
Ok.
One ferret adventure centre, one supreme gerbil fortress, - one supreme gerbil palace.
- Check.
Oh, hang on, no fortress.
That's fine, we've got the palace, so I'm happy.
But they're not the same thing.
A palace is just a posh house.
A fortress is a military installation.
I think the bigger question, Daniel is, - why does a rodent need a fortress? - Well, fine.
But just don't expect it to be able to defend itself in a siege situation.
You're seriously asking me to restock an item because you think there might be a gerbil Stalingrad? Oh, shit.
Look! - Oh, God, it's her - Look! Go and see what she wants.
No, you go and see what she wants, I'm looking for this fortress.
I don't want to see her.
Go and do the consult.
What's in it for me? - A day off.
- Nah.
- Two days off.
- Better.
Starting? Tomorrow? - All right, straight after you've seen her.
- Perfect.
My mum's away, means I can spend a long weekend with Mistress Venerea and The Ninja Vixen.
Eh? Right.
One squirrel swing ball, one My First Kitten Karate Kit Hello? Yes, speaking, yeah.
Oh! Uh yes, of course, I've remembered, yes, brilliant Great! Uh I look forward to seeing him tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow, that's perfect, yeah, great.
Thanks so much for calling.
He's still having trouble walking.
Come on, Smithy - That's great, I've got to go.
- Come on.
As I say, most likely it's a bug, although there's a 1% chance it's a twisted bowel, in which case those pills I've given you will be completely useless and he'll die in agony.
Ok? Well, good luck with that.
Bye! Well, you've lost none of your reassuring banter.
Daniel, a word, please.
No, the dog is not really sick.
Yes, she probably just came here to see you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with a pneumatic redhead in my newly-customised lounge dungeon.
And I imagine that lady comes with a foot pump? Now, I've had a fascinating call from the PSS because, apparently, a Jonathan Walters is coming tomorrow to carry out an inspection.
Well, they sent a letter.
How am I supposed to find anything in that mess? Mr Walters, 9am, Tuesday 12th.
Easy, see? I've explained this to you a million times before.
It's such a simple system.
Left hand side, people you can tolerate.
Middle, people you just want to slightly hurt.
Right hand side, people you want to destroy.
Ok, then? Within that needs a good slapping, needs a good kicking, needs an elastic band round the bollocks.
It's quite a big section, that.
So where's Mr Walters? Well, his personality is yet unknown, innit, so I put him on the neutral shelf.
Haven't assessed him yet, he's a pen-pusher, so he'll be somewhere between acid bath and punch to the kidneys.
- Right, see ya.
Bye! - Bye, enjoy.
Get off! Get off! Well done, well done! What was that? - One minute seven.
- Excellent.
You're getting much faster at expressing those personal boundaries.
Two weeks' time, your parents will be here and it's crunch time.
- Do I have buttock marks on my face? - Yes.
Now, your problem is that you don't just come out with things.
You need to be more honest.
More direct.
Yes? Maybe Now, I think the best way to achieve this would be for us to get stuck into with some good old-fashioned role play.
- Yes? - Yes, great, ok.
Now, stand up and shake it out.
Shake it out.
Right, let me just have a little think Ok, ok, I've got it, I've got it.
- Justine, you're a waitress.
- Ok.
Sara, sit down, sit down.
Spill it out, spill it out.
Now, you are a customer.
You're half way through your starter, you find a beetle in it.
I want you to complain.
Right.
Excuse me? Of course.
I'm sorry, my leg, it was damaged in an accident.
For goodness' sake.
I mean Babcia told me not to play on construction site, but I was young.
I did not know what bulldozer was.
Now all I have is this job.
How can I help you? Yeah, I really can't do this, cos Just, just hold it there, hold it there.
Be honest, go on.
Yes? - Sorry, it's this salad - You don't like the salad? My brother made that salad before he died.
Now, I make it every day in honour of him.
Yeah, this is ridiculous.
This is brilliant.
Just have another go.
How can I help you? Ah, you're from the Old Country.
Me too, yes.
I see you have accident? I also have accident, I have very, very withered arm, but I use it like scarf now to keep warm.
So, which part of Poland are you from? Krakow.
My family also from there many years.
We are like sisters, we've bonded together, yes.
So come get the beetle out of this shitting salad! Excellent! Hug it out.
Oooh! Hug it out.
Hug it out! Oh, sorry.
I've got to go.
I promised One Direction I'd give them a status workshop.
If I'm one second late, little Harry will be milfing the heck out of something.
Hello, Harry! Now, I've told you to stop sexting me.
- You're really good at that role play stuff! - Thanks.
I love it.
Don't suppose you want to do any more, do you? Sure.
Who am I? Right.
You're going to be a receptionist at a busy vets.
Now, your job is to welcome clients and also to sort out the disastrous filing left by your predecessor.
Great! Great.
All right, you start tomorrow.
Minimum wage Thank you.
God, this is looking so tidy.
This is a great job.
Are you enjoying it? Hi, I don't know you.
I'm Anne-Marie, the agency sent me.
Wow, you like to get deep into character, don't you? Hello.
Don't bin that, that's for the rescue centre, so just pop that up there, I'm trying to raise some cash for them, they are going down the tubes, poor things.
Ok, listen, send the next patient in, Justine.
Thanks.
- Anne-Marie.
- Oh, sorry, Anne-Marie.
Mrs Batalova, the vet will see you now.
I have been waiting 15 minutes.
If you were in Russia, you would be in gulag by now.
I am Ivanka Budska Carolina Batalova.
Husband is Dmitri Konstantin Batalov.
This is our baby son, Sasha Anatoli Vadim Kutchera IV.
Hello there, little fella.
Don't touch him.
Don't ever touch him.
Do you have any idea who this is? Sasha the fourth? This is a dog from Russia's most famous bloodline.
His ancestors licked the feet of the Tsars, all the way back in the 14th century.
His great-great-great-great-grandfather defecated in Lenin's shoe.
Don't ever touch him.
Ok.
Perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with him.
A week ago, we introduce Sasha to Alexandria Chermatova, the famous bitch.
He did not like her.
We left him alone together.
Nothing.
Now, my husband refuse to have him in the house until he makes masculine eruption.
He cannot make sexy with other dog.
He is wrong in penis, maybe.
- Um, uh - You can help? I'll certainly try.
You've heard of oil? - Yes.
- You've heard of gas? - Yes.
- We own them.
If you help Sasha to achieve the wood, I pay you much, much money.
The Russian way in bag, in boot of car.
And if I don't? Same for you.
Boot of car.
Ah, good morning.
I'm from the Practice Standards Scheme - Oh, here you go.
- Thank you.
Yes, I'm Jonathan Walters, PSS.
Are you the receptionist or one of the vets? I am a vet.
Ah well, I inspect vets.
Oh, no, no Um no.
Ok, I just want to get some kind of idea as to the type you like, so Let me know.
Something long-haired? No? Short-haired? How about something continental or exotic? I don't know.
Are you gay? All right, all right, easy.
You Russians, you're all the same.
So that's my dream.
A plastic surgery clinic for animals.
Called Pug Ugly? Yes.
I want it to be classy.
Oh, of course.
Well, I've never understood the joys of small animal surgery.
For me, it's about all things equine.
Nothing beats sitting astride a stallion, that taut barrel between your thighs, breathing in that fresh, salty sweat, feeling your hearts beating as one and then jum p! Ah Mmmm.
- Do you know what I mean? - Not really.
Anyhow, we should trot on, get on with this inspection.
I'm not sure what's keeping our senior vet.
Perhaps we should hurry her along.
Yes, why not.
Do you want a bit of butt, eh? In your face? I'm the Beyonce of animal behaviourism, look at this.
This is Jonathan.
Of course.
Jonathan Walters, PSS.
I've been chatting to your colleague and I have to say she's abreast - of some very cutting-edge surgical techniques.
- Really? Uh, eh lovely to meet you.
Um one thing.
On the form, there are two vets listed at the practice, but I've got them written as Sara and Daniel.
Is that right? That should read Danielle.
Danielle, I'll make that change.
And you just do small animals here, yes? Nothing bigger, like horses? It's very hard to get a horse into a small urban practice.
Your loss.
Well, Danielle's offered to take me on a tour of the premises, so if I can just take a moment to clear my nostrils, I'll be right with you.
What are you playing at? Role-playing.
Like you asked.
I said receptionist, not vet.
You know, I got bored.
Well, I get bored, but I don't suddenly turn into a florist! Why are you talking with that Northern accent? Well, the only thing I could think of was All Creatures Great And Small.
Well, thanks very much, Tristan, you have landed me right in it.
Well, thank you both.
That was a very interesting briefing.
I'll certainly take on board your comments about a uniform, Danielle.
Yeah, do think about it.
I'd go floral or pastel.
Just something to soften the whole evil inspector vibe.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Tomorrow? Yes, for the one-on-one interviews.
It's just the basics CPD records, rates of post-surgical infection, that sort of thing.
- I might watch a procedure too, if that suits.
- Absolutely! Well, have a good evening.
And thanks.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye! I think that went brilliantly.
You told him we'd treated a unicorn.
Yeah, I was trying to impress him! I mean, they're rare, aren't they? They are, they are very rare.
How come I didn't know he was coming two days in a row? Where's that letter? It's here.
Under 'S' for 'Scary'.
Does anybody file traditionally any more or is it all done by emotional states? This isn't going to work, I'm going to need to get Daniel back.
And I'm going to tell him a story.
I shall say that you were a locum or just a passing nutter.
Oh.
So does that mean the role play's over? Yes.
Well, who am I going to be now? Er Justine? And what is her motivation? Do you know, I've never really had a clue.
'Please leave a message.
' 'Hi, this is a message for Sara.
It's Eve.
' 'Um ok, when you get this, can you call me?' 'I really need to talk to you, it's about my dog.
' 'Are you there?' 'If you're there, please, can you pick up, it's urgent.
' - Aren't you going to call her back? - Nope, it's a ploy.
She knows that I know she is seeing somebody.
So this is just another way of reeling me in.
But her dog It's a lie.
Trust me.
- Gosh.
- Mmm.
Can I just keep the Northern accent? No, lass.
Daniel! Daniel! Oh, it's you.
What the bloody hell are you doing here? Look, it's going really badly, this inspection.
Really badly.
I just need you to come by tomorrow and help me out, please.
I'm sorry, I told you, I'm busy for the next few days.
It's Ninja Vixen time.
Oh, yes, sorry, I forgot.
Yes, it's you and Red Sonja and Queen Carnal, Empress Gonorrhoea, all just holed up for the weekend.
Great.
You'd rather sit in that flat and play video games than help me out.
You loser! Who dares to call you a loser, Prince Gothica? Be calm, my princess, or you may wake The Vixen.
So sorry to interrupt.
Um great to meet you.
Lovely sword, by the way.
I I should go, anyway, I was just going to Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.
I'm mid-wargasm, yeah? Ok, so not into bondage, then? We know that.
You're so vanilla.
Right, now, I think we could kick off with a little relaxer that I picked up from the Cujareno tribe in the Amazon "la danza de las mujeres desnudas hormonales" or The Dance of the Hormonal Naked Women.
Right.
Now, what we need is some rush matting and a couple of corks, ok? No? No.
Shame.
Nevermind, let's do a simple exercise instead.
We each take it in turns to make a claim and then, the others guess whether it's true or false.
Right.
Eventually, we build up enough trust and knowledge of the group to be able to disclose something genuine.
Yes, all right, Jamie, you start.
Right, ok.
- I like relaxing with - That's a lie.
He never relaxes.
Damn! She's good, she's good.
My turn, my turn, my turn! I once played Spin The Bottle with the Queen Mother.
- True.
- True.
False.
No, it was Prince Albert of Monaco.
I once exploded a gerbil.
True.
False.
Actually, it's false.
Just mildly expanded.
I was once cautioned by the Italian police for cleaning toe jam from Michelangelo's David.
True! Damn! I'm rubbish at this.
Last night, I had an erotic dream about Jamie in which we performed position 16 of the Kama Sutra the wheelbarrow.
That's false! I think it's true.
It is true.
And then, we went on to perform the wagon wheel and the angry lobster.
Oh, God Well, I once took down a client's details from our records and went to her house, because I've got a really terrible crush on her and it's doomed to failure.
True! Well done! Now, Jamie, get the stopwatch! Right, I'm coming in! Right, that's it, I'm coming in! I don't want to be re-born.
I don't want to be re-born.
- Morning! - Morning! No luck with Daniel, then? No, he's currently upside down being flagellated by an Essex leather princess.
Well, I got your message and I'm I am ready.
- Yeah? - I spent all of last night researching being a vet.
Ask me anything, anything at all.
What vaccines do you give a ten-week-old pup? Measles, mumps, rubella and if it's been a cold winter, a flu jab? How do lambs acquire immunity? I want to say if they become diplomats, but I know that's not right, is it? Or is it? We're doomed.
- No, we're not, cos I've got a back-up plan.
- Oh, God! I've asked Jamie to come in and he's going to kick up a fuss about his rabbit's appendix.
Rabbits don't have appendixes.
Then, you'll be able to tell him that, showing off your knowledge.
Morning.
Can I get you a cup of tea? No, thank you.
I'm a bit pressed for time, so let's crack on with the interviews and have look at your surgical rota.
Do you have copies of your CVs? CVs? Yes.
I assume you do have copies.
Yeah, of course we do, in our cupboard.
Filed under F.
Come in.
Take a seat.
So, Daniel.
That's a good start, isn't it? Let's change that to Danielle.
I've been reading your mission statement, "I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make it drink.
" What does that even mean? "I am a sexual talisman who brings energy, vigour and potency to the party.
" - Well - Don't interrupt me.
"My hobbies include battle re-enactments, cage fighting, helping animals and big-game hunting.
" "I pride myself on my attention to detail, team management skills, organisational abilities and my attention to detail.
" - Ahh - I haven't finished.
I quote, "I am very experienced at Pubic Relations.
" Not presenting a very good picture, is it? Right.
Sum yourself up in 18 words.
Oh! Um this isn't counting towards my words, is it? Really? So how many have I got left? Oh.
Care to tell me what's going on? - What do you mean? - Well, your colleague, Danielle.
- What about her? - She's patently not qualified.
What gives you that idea? When I asked her about her training, she cited Spring Watch and Lambing Live.
She thinks a gecko is a baby T-Rex.
She's a maverick.
When I asked her which animal she'd most like to encounter, she said, "A wookie.
" Oh, God, not wookie.
Ok.
So she's not a vet.
She's she's my friend.
She was here helping out and we were a vet short and well, she knew how important this inspection was to me, so it all just snowballed from there.
I lied.
I'm sorry.
I'm prepared to face the consequences.
But why would you do that? Why lie? To smooth things over? To avoid disappointing someone? To indulge someone's fantasy of being something they're not.
Haven't you ever done that? I always wanted to be a pirate but I'm frightened of water, so I became a vet.
What about you? You can't have always wanted to be an inspector.
Damn it, where's my inhaler? I thought you said you had a cold? - I do.
- Well, why would you need an inhaler? Why not? Well, no reason, but, I mean, inhalers you'd usually use it for, I don't know Have you been shaving cats in here? You have, haven't you? No! Well, one or two, maybe.
Well, just help me look for it, please! Why do you need an inhaler, Jonathan? I mean, usually you would use an inhaler for All right! Just give me the inhaler, please.
You wanted to be a pirate.
Well, I always wanted to be a vet.
From the moment I saw my first horse, I knew it.
A palomino called Sally.
Lovely springy barrel.
The way her spine dug into my tailbone So I studied and studied, got into vet school.
And then, out of nowhere, in the second year, I started wheezing and coughing and Well, that was it.
I'm sorry.
My only real regret is that I I never got to save a life.
Nobody in a suit ever did anything as wondrous as that.
Is there a vet here? I need help! Help, I need a vet! Help! Hi, I need a vet.
My rabbit's appendix have burst.
Rabbits don't have appendix.
Well, there's something very wrong with her and I need you to come with me now.
Oh, no oh, no.
Oh, no, no Get it away from me.
I'm in moleskin! I'm in moleskin! I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to touch him! He's related to the Romanovs or something.
Oh, God! It's got its lipstick out.
Not the moleskin.
Can you help me, please? He's just collapsed, he's been puking all day.
Didn't you get my message? Oh, just keep him lying still.
I need to check his stomach, it's very swollen.
Ok, we'll skip bloodworks and radiography Daniel, can you prep the surgery please? Daniel? Oh, shit! I can do it, if you like.
Ok, I would need you to prepare the surgery for an emergency gastrotomy.
I will need minor surgery pack and scrub in.
Justine, you too, scrub in.
Ok, we're getting the exploration.
Mid-line abdominal approach, cutting along the linea alba.
Blood pressure 137, 138, still rising.
That's the digital clock, Justine.
This is exciting, isn't it? You know, I haven't been in an operating theatre since I removed an infected bit from a Shetland.
The way the light caught her shaggy mane.
She was naked.
I was naked.
We were all naked.
I hate to interrupt, do naked later, let's save this dog.
Look, there's something in there blocking the pylorus.
I can't see it.
Listen, do you want to take the reins? Oh, I'd love to but before I begin, I need to know how many hands is he? Ok, four and a thumb.
- Four and a thumb.
Forceps.
- Forceps, right.
God, how did I miss that? What is that? It's a palace? - Actually, it's a fortress.
- Not you as well.
- Is there a difference? - A fortress is a military installation.
You're my hero.
Right, ok, let's clean the wound.
Might need to just This is fine, it's just it's just snot.
Damn, he's losing too much blood.
Justine? I've got a steady reading of 9.
2.
They're the weighing scales, you're standing on them.
I can't stabilise the pressure! All right, increase fluids.
Not you, Justine, the dog! - Clamp.
- Clamp.
Come on, come on, boy! We're not going to lose you.
Whoa Easy there Perfect job, Jonathan.
Thank you.
Now, pass me the suture needle and let's get this gelding sown up.
I'm not quite sure what to make of the past couple of days, but thank you.
It's been great to get back in the saddle.
Well, thank you.
I mean, I promise I'll be an awful lot more straightforward next time.
Ah, your secret's safe with me.
Oh, I hope you don't mind I'd like to keep this as a souvenir.
It will sit well next to my dressage cup.
- Of course you can.
- Thank you.
Oh, now we've both got a souvenir.
Indeed.
Nice to meet you.
And you.
I need to warn you he's left half of his sinus cavity in your dog's stomach.
- Oh, does that mean we need to come back? - Stop it.
I came to your house.
Oh, so that was you by the bins in the night vision goggles? I came to your house.
I know you did.
Well, I guessed it was you.
You ran off, I wanted to I'm very sorry.
I've been incredibly childish.
I should have answered the phone when you called and I should have done that consultation and that was incredibly unprofessional.
It won't happen again.
I'm here for Sasha.
Have you made him erect yet? I haven't, no, but our resident sexologist, Dr James has.
Excellent.
My husband will be delighted that there is no longer a eunuch in the house.
I bring you this as arranged.
Do not ask where it comes from.
Where is my dog? We must plunge him immediately into Alexandria Chermatova VII while she is still drippy.
He is just there, I'll go get him.
Ok, Jamie, time to go.
- Where are we going? - Well, I'm not going anywhere.
But you're going with a very nice Russian lady to create the next generation of Slavic sex pest.
I'm not going.
You can't make me.
I'm not going to make you, no.
But I can offer you this, which could be, I don't know, a lifetime's supply of mop heads, microfibre cloths, hand sanitisers, whatever you want it to be, really.
You promise me there'll be no touching? I promise.
Right, all sorted, Mrs Batalova.
Dr James will come with you now and oversee the mating.
Sasha.
Just so you know the last dog of hers who didn't make sexy ended up as that coat, so get it up, old fella.
Listen, about the other day It is over.
I just I haven't had the guts to say so, that's all.
It's not for me to judge you, you know.
I would be hypocritical.
There's plenty of things I haven't told the people that I love, so it's just call it quits.
We really need to sort ourselves out, don't we? It's so BORING.
How do you think I feel? This is the first time I've had to be a grown up, horrible! I suggest you leave now before I change my mind.
- How long before you crack? - Three seconds.
- Three seconds isn't long - Two seconds.
- You're being very strict.
- One - All right! I'm gone.
- Very strict, go on, go on.
Sara, Sara, I'm not going.
I'm not going, ok? I know you can hear me.
You cannot make me sit in a confined space with that perverted hound.
Yeah, check.
Ok.
One ferret adventure centre, one supreme gerbil fortress, - one supreme gerbil palace.
- Check.
Oh, hang on, no fortress.
That's fine, we've got the palace, so I'm happy.
But they're not the same thing.
A palace is just a posh house.
A fortress is a military installation.
I think the bigger question, Daniel is, - why does a rodent need a fortress? - Well, fine.
But just don't expect it to be able to defend itself in a siege situation.
You're seriously asking me to restock an item because you think there might be a gerbil Stalingrad? Oh, shit.
Look! - Oh, God, it's her - Look! Go and see what she wants.
No, you go and see what she wants, I'm looking for this fortress.
I don't want to see her.
Go and do the consult.
What's in it for me? - A day off.
- Nah.
- Two days off.
- Better.
Starting? Tomorrow? - All right, straight after you've seen her.
- Perfect.
My mum's away, means I can spend a long weekend with Mistress Venerea and The Ninja Vixen.
Eh? Right.
One squirrel swing ball, one My First Kitten Karate Kit Hello? Yes, speaking, yeah.
Oh! Uh yes, of course, I've remembered, yes, brilliant Great! Uh I look forward to seeing him tomorrow.
Yes, tomorrow, that's perfect, yeah, great.
Thanks so much for calling.
He's still having trouble walking.
Come on, Smithy - That's great, I've got to go.
- Come on.
As I say, most likely it's a bug, although there's a 1% chance it's a twisted bowel, in which case those pills I've given you will be completely useless and he'll die in agony.
Ok? Well, good luck with that.
Bye! Well, you've lost none of your reassuring banter.
Daniel, a word, please.
No, the dog is not really sick.
Yes, she probably just came here to see you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date with a pneumatic redhead in my newly-customised lounge dungeon.
And I imagine that lady comes with a foot pump? Now, I've had a fascinating call from the PSS because, apparently, a Jonathan Walters is coming tomorrow to carry out an inspection.
Well, they sent a letter.
How am I supposed to find anything in that mess? Mr Walters, 9am, Tuesday 12th.
Easy, see? I've explained this to you a million times before.
It's such a simple system.
Left hand side, people you can tolerate.
Middle, people you just want to slightly hurt.
Right hand side, people you want to destroy.
Ok, then? Within that needs a good slapping, needs a good kicking, needs an elastic band round the bollocks.
It's quite a big section, that.
So where's Mr Walters? Well, his personality is yet unknown, innit, so I put him on the neutral shelf.
Haven't assessed him yet, he's a pen-pusher, so he'll be somewhere between acid bath and punch to the kidneys.
- Right, see ya.
Bye! - Bye, enjoy.
Get off! Get off! Well done, well done! What was that? - One minute seven.
- Excellent.
You're getting much faster at expressing those personal boundaries.
Two weeks' time, your parents will be here and it's crunch time.
- Do I have buttock marks on my face? - Yes.
Now, your problem is that you don't just come out with things.
You need to be more honest.
More direct.
Yes? Maybe Now, I think the best way to achieve this would be for us to get stuck into with some good old-fashioned role play.
- Yes? - Yes, great, ok.
Now, stand up and shake it out.
Shake it out.
Right, let me just have a little think Ok, ok, I've got it, I've got it.
- Justine, you're a waitress.
- Ok.
Sara, sit down, sit down.
Spill it out, spill it out.
Now, you are a customer.
You're half way through your starter, you find a beetle in it.
I want you to complain.
Right.
Excuse me? Of course.
I'm sorry, my leg, it was damaged in an accident.
For goodness' sake.
I mean Babcia told me not to play on construction site, but I was young.
I did not know what bulldozer was.
Now all I have is this job.
How can I help you? Yeah, I really can't do this, cos Just, just hold it there, hold it there.
Be honest, go on.
Yes? - Sorry, it's this salad - You don't like the salad? My brother made that salad before he died.
Now, I make it every day in honour of him.
Yeah, this is ridiculous.
This is brilliant.
Just have another go.
How can I help you? Ah, you're from the Old Country.
Me too, yes.
I see you have accident? I also have accident, I have very, very withered arm, but I use it like scarf now to keep warm.
So, which part of Poland are you from? Krakow.
My family also from there many years.
We are like sisters, we've bonded together, yes.
So come get the beetle out of this shitting salad! Excellent! Hug it out.
Oooh! Hug it out.
Hug it out! Oh, sorry.
I've got to go.
I promised One Direction I'd give them a status workshop.
If I'm one second late, little Harry will be milfing the heck out of something.
Hello, Harry! Now, I've told you to stop sexting me.
- You're really good at that role play stuff! - Thanks.
I love it.
Don't suppose you want to do any more, do you? Sure.
Who am I? Right.
You're going to be a receptionist at a busy vets.
Now, your job is to welcome clients and also to sort out the disastrous filing left by your predecessor.
Great! Great.
All right, you start tomorrow.
Minimum wage Thank you.
God, this is looking so tidy.
This is a great job.
Are you enjoying it? Hi, I don't know you.
I'm Anne-Marie, the agency sent me.
Wow, you like to get deep into character, don't you? Hello.
Don't bin that, that's for the rescue centre, so just pop that up there, I'm trying to raise some cash for them, they are going down the tubes, poor things.
Ok, listen, send the next patient in, Justine.
Thanks.
- Anne-Marie.
- Oh, sorry, Anne-Marie.
Mrs Batalova, the vet will see you now.
I have been waiting 15 minutes.
If you were in Russia, you would be in gulag by now.
I am Ivanka Budska Carolina Batalova.
Husband is Dmitri Konstantin Batalov.
This is our baby son, Sasha Anatoli Vadim Kutchera IV.
Hello there, little fella.
Don't touch him.
Don't ever touch him.
Do you have any idea who this is? Sasha the fourth? This is a dog from Russia's most famous bloodline.
His ancestors licked the feet of the Tsars, all the way back in the 14th century.
His great-great-great-great-grandfather defecated in Lenin's shoe.
Don't ever touch him.
Ok.
Perhaps you can tell me what's wrong with him.
A week ago, we introduce Sasha to Alexandria Chermatova, the famous bitch.
He did not like her.
We left him alone together.
Nothing.
Now, my husband refuse to have him in the house until he makes masculine eruption.
He cannot make sexy with other dog.
He is wrong in penis, maybe.
- Um, uh - You can help? I'll certainly try.
You've heard of oil? - Yes.
- You've heard of gas? - Yes.
- We own them.
If you help Sasha to achieve the wood, I pay you much, much money.
The Russian way in bag, in boot of car.
And if I don't? Same for you.
Boot of car.
Ah, good morning.
I'm from the Practice Standards Scheme - Oh, here you go.
- Thank you.
Yes, I'm Jonathan Walters, PSS.
Are you the receptionist or one of the vets? I am a vet.
Ah well, I inspect vets.
Oh, no, no Um no.
Ok, I just want to get some kind of idea as to the type you like, so Let me know.
Something long-haired? No? Short-haired? How about something continental or exotic? I don't know.
Are you gay? All right, all right, easy.
You Russians, you're all the same.
So that's my dream.
A plastic surgery clinic for animals.
Called Pug Ugly? Yes.
I want it to be classy.
Oh, of course.
Well, I've never understood the joys of small animal surgery.
For me, it's about all things equine.
Nothing beats sitting astride a stallion, that taut barrel between your thighs, breathing in that fresh, salty sweat, feeling your hearts beating as one and then jum p! Ah Mmmm.
- Do you know what I mean? - Not really.
Anyhow, we should trot on, get on with this inspection.
I'm not sure what's keeping our senior vet.
Perhaps we should hurry her along.
Yes, why not.
Do you want a bit of butt, eh? In your face? I'm the Beyonce of animal behaviourism, look at this.
This is Jonathan.
Of course.
Jonathan Walters, PSS.
I've been chatting to your colleague and I have to say she's abreast - of some very cutting-edge surgical techniques.
- Really? Uh, eh lovely to meet you.
Um one thing.
On the form, there are two vets listed at the practice, but I've got them written as Sara and Daniel.
Is that right? That should read Danielle.
Danielle, I'll make that change.
And you just do small animals here, yes? Nothing bigger, like horses? It's very hard to get a horse into a small urban practice.
Your loss.
Well, Danielle's offered to take me on a tour of the premises, so if I can just take a moment to clear my nostrils, I'll be right with you.
What are you playing at? Role-playing.
Like you asked.
I said receptionist, not vet.
You know, I got bored.
Well, I get bored, but I don't suddenly turn into a florist! Why are you talking with that Northern accent? Well, the only thing I could think of was All Creatures Great And Small.
Well, thanks very much, Tristan, you have landed me right in it.
Well, thank you both.
That was a very interesting briefing.
I'll certainly take on board your comments about a uniform, Danielle.
Yeah, do think about it.
I'd go floral or pastel.
Just something to soften the whole evil inspector vibe.
Well, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Tomorrow? Yes, for the one-on-one interviews.
It's just the basics CPD records, rates of post-surgical infection, that sort of thing.
- I might watch a procedure too, if that suits.
- Absolutely! Well, have a good evening.
And thanks.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye! I think that went brilliantly.
You told him we'd treated a unicorn.
Yeah, I was trying to impress him! I mean, they're rare, aren't they? They are, they are very rare.
How come I didn't know he was coming two days in a row? Where's that letter? It's here.
Under 'S' for 'Scary'.
Does anybody file traditionally any more or is it all done by emotional states? This isn't going to work, I'm going to need to get Daniel back.
And I'm going to tell him a story.
I shall say that you were a locum or just a passing nutter.
Oh.
So does that mean the role play's over? Yes.
Well, who am I going to be now? Er Justine? And what is her motivation? Do you know, I've never really had a clue.
'Please leave a message.
' 'Hi, this is a message for Sara.
It's Eve.
' 'Um ok, when you get this, can you call me?' 'I really need to talk to you, it's about my dog.
' 'Are you there?' 'If you're there, please, can you pick up, it's urgent.
' - Aren't you going to call her back? - Nope, it's a ploy.
She knows that I know she is seeing somebody.
So this is just another way of reeling me in.
But her dog It's a lie.
Trust me.
- Gosh.
- Mmm.
Can I just keep the Northern accent? No, lass.
Daniel! Daniel! Oh, it's you.
What the bloody hell are you doing here? Look, it's going really badly, this inspection.
Really badly.
I just need you to come by tomorrow and help me out, please.
I'm sorry, I told you, I'm busy for the next few days.
It's Ninja Vixen time.
Oh, yes, sorry, I forgot.
Yes, it's you and Red Sonja and Queen Carnal, Empress Gonorrhoea, all just holed up for the weekend.
Great.
You'd rather sit in that flat and play video games than help me out.
You loser! Who dares to call you a loser, Prince Gothica? Be calm, my princess, or you may wake The Vixen.
So sorry to interrupt.
Um great to meet you.
Lovely sword, by the way.
I I should go, anyway, I was just going to Yeah, if you wouldn't mind.
I'm mid-wargasm, yeah? Ok, so not into bondage, then? We know that.
You're so vanilla.
Right, now, I think we could kick off with a little relaxer that I picked up from the Cujareno tribe in the Amazon "la danza de las mujeres desnudas hormonales" or The Dance of the Hormonal Naked Women.
Right.
Now, what we need is some rush matting and a couple of corks, ok? No? No.
Shame.
Nevermind, let's do a simple exercise instead.
We each take it in turns to make a claim and then, the others guess whether it's true or false.
Right.
Eventually, we build up enough trust and knowledge of the group to be able to disclose something genuine.
Yes, all right, Jamie, you start.
Right, ok.
- I like relaxing with - That's a lie.
He never relaxes.
Damn! She's good, she's good.
My turn, my turn, my turn! I once played Spin The Bottle with the Queen Mother.
- True.
- True.
False.
No, it was Prince Albert of Monaco.
I once exploded a gerbil.
True.
False.
Actually, it's false.
Just mildly expanded.
I was once cautioned by the Italian police for cleaning toe jam from Michelangelo's David.
True! Damn! I'm rubbish at this.
Last night, I had an erotic dream about Jamie in which we performed position 16 of the Kama Sutra the wheelbarrow.
That's false! I think it's true.
It is true.
And then, we went on to perform the wagon wheel and the angry lobster.
Oh, God Well, I once took down a client's details from our records and went to her house, because I've got a really terrible crush on her and it's doomed to failure.
True! Well done! Now, Jamie, get the stopwatch! Right, I'm coming in! Right, that's it, I'm coming in! I don't want to be re-born.
I don't want to be re-born.
- Morning! - Morning! No luck with Daniel, then? No, he's currently upside down being flagellated by an Essex leather princess.
Well, I got your message and I'm I am ready.
- Yeah? - I spent all of last night researching being a vet.
Ask me anything, anything at all.
What vaccines do you give a ten-week-old pup? Measles, mumps, rubella and if it's been a cold winter, a flu jab? How do lambs acquire immunity? I want to say if they become diplomats, but I know that's not right, is it? Or is it? We're doomed.
- No, we're not, cos I've got a back-up plan.
- Oh, God! I've asked Jamie to come in and he's going to kick up a fuss about his rabbit's appendix.
Rabbits don't have appendixes.
Then, you'll be able to tell him that, showing off your knowledge.
Morning.
Can I get you a cup of tea? No, thank you.
I'm a bit pressed for time, so let's crack on with the interviews and have look at your surgical rota.
Do you have copies of your CVs? CVs? Yes.
I assume you do have copies.
Yeah, of course we do, in our cupboard.
Filed under F.
Come in.
Take a seat.
So, Daniel.
That's a good start, isn't it? Let's change that to Danielle.
I've been reading your mission statement, "I can lead a horse to water, but I can't make it drink.
" What does that even mean? "I am a sexual talisman who brings energy, vigour and potency to the party.
" - Well - Don't interrupt me.
"My hobbies include battle re-enactments, cage fighting, helping animals and big-game hunting.
" "I pride myself on my attention to detail, team management skills, organisational abilities and my attention to detail.
" - Ahh - I haven't finished.
I quote, "I am very experienced at Pubic Relations.
" Not presenting a very good picture, is it? Right.
Sum yourself up in 18 words.
Oh! Um this isn't counting towards my words, is it? Really? So how many have I got left? Oh.
Care to tell me what's going on? - What do you mean? - Well, your colleague, Danielle.
- What about her? - She's patently not qualified.
What gives you that idea? When I asked her about her training, she cited Spring Watch and Lambing Live.
She thinks a gecko is a baby T-Rex.
She's a maverick.
When I asked her which animal she'd most like to encounter, she said, "A wookie.
" Oh, God, not wookie.
Ok.
So she's not a vet.
She's she's my friend.
She was here helping out and we were a vet short and well, she knew how important this inspection was to me, so it all just snowballed from there.
I lied.
I'm sorry.
I'm prepared to face the consequences.
But why would you do that? Why lie? To smooth things over? To avoid disappointing someone? To indulge someone's fantasy of being something they're not.
Haven't you ever done that? I always wanted to be a pirate but I'm frightened of water, so I became a vet.
What about you? You can't have always wanted to be an inspector.
Damn it, where's my inhaler? I thought you said you had a cold? - I do.
- Well, why would you need an inhaler? Why not? Well, no reason, but, I mean, inhalers you'd usually use it for, I don't know Have you been shaving cats in here? You have, haven't you? No! Well, one or two, maybe.
Well, just help me look for it, please! Why do you need an inhaler, Jonathan? I mean, usually you would use an inhaler for All right! Just give me the inhaler, please.
You wanted to be a pirate.
Well, I always wanted to be a vet.
From the moment I saw my first horse, I knew it.
A palomino called Sally.
Lovely springy barrel.
The way her spine dug into my tailbone So I studied and studied, got into vet school.
And then, out of nowhere, in the second year, I started wheezing and coughing and Well, that was it.
I'm sorry.
My only real regret is that I I never got to save a life.
Nobody in a suit ever did anything as wondrous as that.
Is there a vet here? I need help! Help, I need a vet! Help! Hi, I need a vet.
My rabbit's appendix have burst.
Rabbits don't have appendix.
Well, there's something very wrong with her and I need you to come with me now.
Oh, no oh, no.
Oh, no, no Get it away from me.
I'm in moleskin! I'm in moleskin! I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to touch him! He's related to the Romanovs or something.
Oh, God! It's got its lipstick out.
Not the moleskin.
Can you help me, please? He's just collapsed, he's been puking all day.
Didn't you get my message? Oh, just keep him lying still.
I need to check his stomach, it's very swollen.
Ok, we'll skip bloodworks and radiography Daniel, can you prep the surgery please? Daniel? Oh, shit! I can do it, if you like.
Ok, I would need you to prepare the surgery for an emergency gastrotomy.
I will need minor surgery pack and scrub in.
Justine, you too, scrub in.
Ok, we're getting the exploration.
Mid-line abdominal approach, cutting along the linea alba.
Blood pressure 137, 138, still rising.
That's the digital clock, Justine.
This is exciting, isn't it? You know, I haven't been in an operating theatre since I removed an infected bit from a Shetland.
The way the light caught her shaggy mane.
She was naked.
I was naked.
We were all naked.
I hate to interrupt, do naked later, let's save this dog.
Look, there's something in there blocking the pylorus.
I can't see it.
Listen, do you want to take the reins? Oh, I'd love to but before I begin, I need to know how many hands is he? Ok, four and a thumb.
- Four and a thumb.
Forceps.
- Forceps, right.
God, how did I miss that? What is that? It's a palace? - Actually, it's a fortress.
- Not you as well.
- Is there a difference? - A fortress is a military installation.
You're my hero.
Right, ok, let's clean the wound.
Might need to just This is fine, it's just it's just snot.
Damn, he's losing too much blood.
Justine? I've got a steady reading of 9.
2.
They're the weighing scales, you're standing on them.
I can't stabilise the pressure! All right, increase fluids.
Not you, Justine, the dog! - Clamp.
- Clamp.
Come on, come on, boy! We're not going to lose you.
Whoa Easy there Perfect job, Jonathan.
Thank you.
Now, pass me the suture needle and let's get this gelding sown up.
I'm not quite sure what to make of the past couple of days, but thank you.
It's been great to get back in the saddle.
Well, thank you.
I mean, I promise I'll be an awful lot more straightforward next time.
Ah, your secret's safe with me.
Oh, I hope you don't mind I'd like to keep this as a souvenir.
It will sit well next to my dressage cup.
- Of course you can.
- Thank you.
Oh, now we've both got a souvenir.
Indeed.
Nice to meet you.
And you.
I need to warn you he's left half of his sinus cavity in your dog's stomach.
- Oh, does that mean we need to come back? - Stop it.
I came to your house.
Oh, so that was you by the bins in the night vision goggles? I came to your house.
I know you did.
Well, I guessed it was you.
You ran off, I wanted to I'm very sorry.
I've been incredibly childish.
I should have answered the phone when you called and I should have done that consultation and that was incredibly unprofessional.
It won't happen again.
I'm here for Sasha.
Have you made him erect yet? I haven't, no, but our resident sexologist, Dr James has.
Excellent.
My husband will be delighted that there is no longer a eunuch in the house.
I bring you this as arranged.
Do not ask where it comes from.
Where is my dog? We must plunge him immediately into Alexandria Chermatova VII while she is still drippy.
He is just there, I'll go get him.
Ok, Jamie, time to go.
- Where are we going? - Well, I'm not going anywhere.
But you're going with a very nice Russian lady to create the next generation of Slavic sex pest.
I'm not going.
You can't make me.
I'm not going to make you, no.
But I can offer you this, which could be, I don't know, a lifetime's supply of mop heads, microfibre cloths, hand sanitisers, whatever you want it to be, really.
You promise me there'll be no touching? I promise.
Right, all sorted, Mrs Batalova.
Dr James will come with you now and oversee the mating.
Sasha.
Just so you know the last dog of hers who didn't make sexy ended up as that coat, so get it up, old fella.
Listen, about the other day It is over.
I just I haven't had the guts to say so, that's all.
It's not for me to judge you, you know.
I would be hypocritical.
There's plenty of things I haven't told the people that I love, so it's just call it quits.
We really need to sort ourselves out, don't we? It's so BORING.
How do you think I feel? This is the first time I've had to be a grown up, horrible! I suggest you leave now before I change my mind.
- How long before you crack? - Three seconds.
- Three seconds isn't long - Two seconds.
- You're being very strict.
- One - All right! I'm gone.
- Very strict, go on, go on.
Sara, Sara, I'm not going.
I'm not going, ok? I know you can hear me.
You cannot make me sit in a confined space with that perverted hound.