Henpocalypse! (2023) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Arms up!
- They're Pilates instructors - like me.
- I told you she was lying.
- We've got a living sperm bank
cuffed to our plumbing.
- I want to be set free.
- I'm talking the Amazon of spunk!
- When do we start?
- Leave first thing tomorrow?
- We can't leave without Gary.
- We cannot tell Zara
what we did last night.
- Nice jizz stain there, Shell.
- No, it's not jizz - it's
glue from craft at school.
- Jesus! Now?
- Jen's leg has to come off and
there's no time like the present.
Jen, love, got a
surprise for you.
- ALL SHOUT: Jen!
Jen!
- Jen!
- Jen!
- Jen!
What the fuck's that?
- Jen!
"Run off with Danny Dyer."
What's she on about?
- Must be the gangrene talking.
- Poor Jen.
I'll miss her. She
always had tissues.
- She was cracking on bin day.
She always had my wheelies out the
front on the dot of seven every Friday.
- We could search
up the hill again.
- Nah. She's made her choice.
I've got my get-out-of-jail-free
card to keep her mother off my back.
- In that case
- FYI, Shelly, you owe
me a dismemberment.
- Still heading home tomorrow, Bern?
- You bet your arse.
Operation Liquid Gold
waits for no man.
- Except for Gary.
We're waiting for Gary.
- Course we are, princess.
- He's alive and he's coming to get me.
- Yeah, you bet he is.
- Yeah, 100% not dead.
- We'll crack on with
that petrol mission, then.
Shell, you're up. We need a full tank
if we want to make it to Birmingham.
I'll get my gear.
- Veens, got anything I can wax my legs with?
I want to be totally
hairless for Gary tomorrow.
- Help yourself to my kit. I've got loads of gaffer tape in here.
- Thanks.
- It's strong stuff, mind. I've
secured guttering with that.
Do not use it on your fanny.
- Zar, give me a hand.
I'd better burn Jen's mattress,
before the rats get at it.
- Be right there, Mum.
See you tomorrow, my prince.
- Shell, bring a scrubbing brush,
for the pus stains on the floor.
- Shelly! It's
me, Gary Whatmuff.
Come and open the door!
- QUIETLY: What?!
What are you doing?! You
should be proposing to Zara.
- I want to talk to you.
- We talked more than enough yesterday.
- But it's big! And, no, I'm
not talking about my dick.
- I don't care. Go away.
- Agh, my tongue! - Well you shouldn't be
putting it through my flap, then, should you?
- Shelly, please!
It's important!
- Go away, Gary!
I can still hear you breathing.
- All right, OK.
- PHONE BUZZES
Zar.
- Shell, get over here!
- Oh, God! I'm sure
this bra's shrunk.
You know, it isn't right
- how we're treating Zara.
You know Gary's
dead and so do I.
We shouldn't let her go on believing all this time.
- Zar doesn't deal
with disappointment well. She set a
skip on fire when Busted split up.
- Exactly! What are we going
to do when he doesn't show up?
- We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.
- This is the bridge! We're on it!
We should have told her weeks ago.
We've been gaslighting her.
And gaslighting is bad!
- We've gaslighted her?
- You're right, it was mainly Bern. - Nah, mate.
It was mainly you. You've been gaslighter in chief.
- What? No, I haven't!
- Who plotted Gary's route from the zorbing centre with her?
- I was - Working out
which service stations he'd stop
at for a Peperami and a Relentless.
- Yeah, but
- Telling her to listen to her fanny, for updates.
- Well, you never contradicted her fanny!
- Don't turn this on me, Shell.
I figured we'd be eaten
by zombies by now.
What's your excuse?
- I was just being supportive.
And, yeah, maybe it
was nice to pretend.
- Why's that, then, Shell?
- I I need to
tell you something.
Zar!
- I'm done, Shell. I'm done with
him and everything he ever touched!
- Gary? Why, did he do something?
- He's
He's seeing someone.
- No. No. No chance!
- I'm telling you. My fanny's screaming at me!
- Your fanny's just upset. It's just lashing out.
Just Let's put the bear down.
- Too late.
I'm moving on. I texted Lee Rhind,
told him this is his chance.
Two can play at that game, Gary!
- Zar, come on, no,
he loves that towel. Why don't
we just move away from the fire,
because that dress looks really flammable! OK.
- Too late, Shell!
It's too late.
- Mummy's here.
- Oh! - Baby!
- Bernadette, please help!
- Come on, princess!
This is no good, is it?
Mummy'll make it better.
- Oh, Jesus!
- There you go.
Now, that's a fire.
Jen kept quiet about
that bedbug infestation.
Dirty girl!
- It's been ages since
we had a good fire.
- Good for the soul, an inferno.
Want some breakfast, princess?
Don't worry about that bug,
I watched it roast alive.
- No, no carbs for me.
Don't want to be bloated for our wedding day!
- Of course.
We should have been in
Bannatyne's, Balsall Heath, today,
getting your water weight pounded
out of you by big-fisted Ken.
He'll be dead, and all.
- Sorry, Mum. I know you
liked them big fists.
- We crack on.
It's time to pitch Operation
Liquid Gold to Drew.
- Do you think he'll go for it?
- Don't worry.
Mummy can be very persuasive.
Got anything to
cover my mouth sores?
- Do you think I'm a hussy?
- Nah.
Makes sense. You and Gary always had a bit of a thing.
- We didn't have a thing!
- Mate, he locked himself in a chest freezer
because you tagged him in the ice bucket challenge.
- That's just Gary being Gary.
It doesn't mean anything.
- And he climbed a pylon to get your trainers down.
- Yeah, but it was him who threw them up there.
- All I'm saying, it's no
surprise you hooked up in the end.
Would have happened sooner
if Zara hadn't swooped in.
Ah, well, there's barely a dribble in there.
- Yeah, but she did swoop in.
- Ah, well, she had a pop
at your lallies. All's fair.
You can't help your feelings.
- There are no feelings!
It was just a stupid mistake.
- Was it just a noshing
off, Shell? Nothing more?
- Yes. It meant nothing.
- No. I'm asking was his
todger inside you at any point?
Because the only people
I know with swollen norks
who are mad for the smell
of petrol are up the duff.
- WORRIEDLY: - Hmmm.
- Lippy.
- I think it's going to take more
than a smear of Elizabeth Arden.
It's been a rough nine weeks.
- Are we talking a full refurb, Mum?
- Aye.
Back, sack and crack.
- I'll get the gaffer tape.
- Ah! Big one.
- How's that?
- Lovely colour.
- Phwoar! If you
weren't my mum
- I haven't looked this
good since I was in court.
- Want a hand with the pitch?
- No.
You finish dolling yourself
up, because, tonight,
we're going to have
a little party,
finish off your hen do.
- Really?
Thanks, Mum!
- Get the cock pinata off the compost heap
and I will go and work
my magic on Golden Balls.
- Break a leg.
- I mean, I'm hoping it won't
come to that. But if it does,
I'll be ready.
- God, I'm such an idiot.
How could I not notice?
And my last period
was months ago.
I took my class to the urban farm and this
billy goat was hella interested in my crotch.
At first, I was quite flattered,
but then I went to the toilet
and I was like, "Oh, right."
Is this really the time to
be pissing about with bins?
I'm in big trouble here.
- I'm looking for a prescription bag.
- Uh?
- To get the address of that pharmacy Nezzie was on about -
to get you a pregnancy test.
- Oh! Right. Yeah,
nice one.
- OK. Scout these gardens,
look for gnomes, ornamental
wheelbarrows, wind chimes
- Why?
- ..garden tat. It means an elderly householder.
And those guys chong
through prescriptions.
- Got you.
Found anything?
- Not yet. Keep digging!
- Ooh! Gnome! 12 o'clock!
- Aha!
- Oh, yes! - Powell's Pharmacy.
- How are we going to get there?
Could be miles away.
- I'm packing Post-Apoc Google.
In a world without Wi-Fi,
the hard copy is king.
We've got health tips from
Jen's Take A Break magazine,
a Haynes manual for
a 1992 Ford Escort
and our old friend
the Ordnance Survey.
Now who's Mark Zuckerberg? Ha.
Follow me.
Brought my divorce package.
Best seller, this is.
Push-up bra, knock-off
Botox, anal bleach.
Ooh, so Do we know
who he's boffing?
- Something caught in
your throat, there, Shell?
- Take your pick, Veens. Every
slapper east of Telford wants
a pop on my Gary!
- Have you got any ideas who
might be at it with Gary, Shell?
- Me? No. None, no.
I'm, um I'm actually off the
dating scene myself, at the moment.
- Oh, yeah? You had a jizz
stain on your skirt yesterday.
- Did you now?
Where's that from?
- Just this guy I met online.
- What's his name?
- He's called
..Fire
..pot.
Darren Firepot.
- Darren Firepot?
- When are we going to meet him, Shell?
- No time soon, I'm afraid.
- Why's that?
- Um, he's
Um, the thing is, he's
..currently in prison.
- No! You dark horse! What's
he in for? Is it murder?
Always wanted to shag a
murderer. Only a hot one, mind.
- I wouldn't recommend it.
- No, he's not
He's not a murderer.
He shouldn't even
be in there, really.
Um
- Hmm.
- Because all he did was
steal a loaf of bread.
You know, like Hugh
Jackman does in Les Mis.
- Must have a shit barrister
to get put away for that.
- Hang on, if he's in prison,
where did the stain come from?
- Oh, yeah! Explain that.
- From That was
from a conjugal visit.
- You had it away in a prison?
- Yeah.
- That's so cool, Shell!
- Here he is.
Darren Firepot.
- You found him?!
- Well, well. I hate to
break it to you, Shell, but
Darren Firepot's a nonce.
- No!
No, he can't be.
No, that's lit That's
literally impossible!
- Well, he's in for two years.
Aggravated masturbation
in a public place.
- No! No, he just
stole a loaf of bread.
- Yeah, he would say that. Wanking at a
traffic warden don't have the same ring to it.
- Come on, guys. Support Shelly.
She can't help loving a nonce.
- He's not a nonce!
No, there must be
another Darren Firepot!
- With a name like that?
- At least you know now, Shell.
She's doing a public
service, really
giving him an outlet for his twisted urges.
- Twisted.
- Stop him preying
on the innocent.
- Yeah, good for you! Right,
to Shelly and her nonce.
- To Shelly. And her nonce.
- Nonce. - Whoo!
- You see, princess
- love finds a way.
Your Gary's going nowhere.
Mark my words.
- KNOCK AT DOOR
- Zar! Zar! It's me,
baby - Lee Rhind!
I was at my uncle's funeral in
Droitwich, but I came as fast as I could.
- Aw, sorry, Lee, babe. You're
too late. The moment's passed.
I'm giving Gary the benefit of the doubt.
- Not again, man!
Come on!
- Doesn't have to be a wasted journey, though, Lee.
All right, love.
- Bernadette.
Why are you dressed like that?
What do you want?
- I just thought we should have a little heart-to-heart.
Do you ever wonder why you were
saved from the megadeath, love?
- It's all I think about. I sometimes wonder if
- I've got a theory.
- What?
- When those girls look at you,
they see a stripper. But
I see an entrepreneur.
- Yes! Stripping is just
part of my portfolio, huh?
I'm much more than that.
- Oh, I know.
I mean, I see myself in you.
And I see you in me.
- You do?
- Entrepreneurs - they don't see a crisis,
they see an opportunity.
- Yes. It's one of
Elon's key tenets.
- I think you've been chained
to that rad for too long.
- I have!
- You shouldn't have to listen to Shelly drivel on.
- I can't hear any more about her dad!
- The way I see it,
Armageddon is the ultimate
business opportunity.
And we've got something
nobody else has.
Let's talk turkey.
- Yes! Go, Veen!
- Don't thank me.
Thank the new Google.
That's its name till I think of
something really bloody sticky.
What about Noogle?
Looks clear.
- Balls!
- I'll look for the good stuff.
You get the pregnancy tests.
Oh! All gone.
HRT, opiates, Valium.
Some canny bitch is
having a great apocalypse.
Fair play to 'em.
- There's nothing here.
What am I going to do?
- Well, you've got three options.
Option one, fess up to Zar and let
her raise the baby, if she wants.
- She'll never do that.
- Why not? Surrogacy's in.
Anything Kim Kardashian's
done, Zar will be up for.
- She'd have to forgive me first, which is very unlikely.
- Mm-hm.
Option two, you raise the baby
and, when it comes of age,
if it looks like Gary, they
might be into each other.
- That's not right. There'd be
a massive age gap, for a start.
- Joan Collins and Cheryl Cole have set the stage for you there.
- What's the third option?
- Well, given Gary's carked it,
you could have it off with Drew,
claim it's his. Princess
Diana got away with it.
Royal seal of approval.
- No.
Thing is, I'm actually starting
to think Drew's not that into me.
He always just seems a
tiny bit, I don't know -
annoyed whenever I'm around.
- Into you or not,
Drew is the last dick out of Nam.
I suggest you give it another go.
Here - grease his wheels.
- Viagra?
- Hide!
- Oh, my God! Hide!
- Hide!
- Um
Hide where?
- Down here. Get down there.
- WOMAN: - OK,
yes, this is it.
- Ah!
- INDISTINCT VOICES
DOORS CLOSE
It's the pelvis posse!
QUIETLY: Oh, God.
LEONIE: - I really think she would
have been fine with the dock leaves.
- We can't take any chances.
If Kelly's metatarsal heals
wrong, that's her posture ruined.
There! There's a
support bandage.
- Oh. Does it not come in lilac?
- When does a support
bandage ever come in lilac?
Kel, just put it on.
- Wait!
- Christ! That was so close.
- That land tractor's
full of fuel.
- No, no, no! Please,
no more tension!
Please, I'm going to
have a heart attack.
- Sorry. I always forget
other people aren't on drugs.
Wait here.
- No, don't leave me!
- Scared here or scared
with me - choose.
- Scared here.
- Good.
- SHE PANTS
Oh, my God.
CHATTER
WHISPERS: Hurry up!
CHATTER
WHISPERS: Veena. Veena!
- A few breathing exercises
and you'll be fine. Get in!
- SIGHS: - That was
a waste of time.
Right, let's get out of here.
- ENGINE STARTS
Ve- Veena!
Veena! Oh, my God!
- I left them enough to get a
long way before they work it out.
- You legend!
- Don't thank me.
Thank the ketamine. It's
keeping me ice cold.
- Think of it -
hundreds of paying customers,
all carrying your progeny.
- I could bring
them back - the men!
Joe Rogan, Gareth
Bale, Nigel Farage -
all the lads!
- And now if we're talking repopulation,
we're going to need
a lot of product.
- That's never been a problem for
me. I've done it twice in one night!
- A whole twice?
- I will dedicate myself to my task.
This will be my calling.
I will father the
new human race!
- And I will do
all the haggling!
- No so fast! I want
90% off the back-end.
- There's no money in
the back-end, love.
Call it 60 and
you've got a deal.
- You're on.
It's like the day I
bought my domain name!
The sky's the limit!
- Shall we pop that cork?
- I thought you'd never ask.
- CORK POPS, THEY LAUGH
- Well That went
off with a bang.
- I know how it feels. It's probably
been bottled up for a long time.
- Well, we all have.
- What do you say to a taste
of the miracle, partner?
- Let's see what you
can do with two hands.
- Actually, I'm
quite into the cuffs.
- You dirty bugger.
- MOANING
SHOUTING
- Come on!
- SHE SIGHS
- You can't beat
a girls' night in.
Feeling better, Zar?
- On the road to forgiveness.
I've unblocked Gary on
Insta, as a peace offering.
- BARNEY WHINES BY DOOR
- Can you take Barney out for a quick
dump, Shell? There's a good girl.
- Want us to pause the film?
- Nah. I hate Inception.
- Literally no-one hates Inception.
Even Jen likes Inception.
- Well, I hate it. No-one's
dreams are that boring.
Where are all the little rat
men with the face of my dad?
Nice quick one, eh, Barn?
SHE GASPS, HE GROANS
- It's me! Gary Whatmuff!
- What are you doing?! Why
haven't you proposed yet?!
- I'm going to. But me nan took
a turn for the worse last night,
so it's looking all good on
the engagement ring front.
- Well, get on with
it! She's on the edge!
- Shame. - SCOFFS: Can you just get in there and do it?
- The thing is, Shell,
power washing really
makes you think.
I've been looking back over my
life. I mean, time is, like
It's mental, right?
- I don't think power
washing's good for you, Gary.
- No, Shell, listen.
Do you remember that time when I stuck a firework up my arse in fourth year?
- Yeah.
You set Mr Clegg's
Mazda on fire.
- Yeah, well, when I was
reaching round to light the fuse,
it wasn't Zar that
I was looking at,
to see if she thought
I was a legend.
It was you.
I keep thinking about it, I
keep going over it in my head,
and it's got to mean
something, Shell, surely!
- It doesn't mean anything! You had a firework up your bum! You weren't thinking straight!
- Yes.
- You love Zar. You have always loved Zar.
- I do, I do. I love Zar.
She's the fittest girl
I've ever managed to tap.
I love her to the moon and back
- BERN: - Go on, my son!
- What are they doing in there?
- Watching Inception.
Bern gets excited when Leonardo
DiCaprio enters someone's dream.
- I hate Inception.
I mean, no-one's
dreams are that boring.
Where are all the tits?
- Gary, stop thinking and propose. - Yeah
- Understand?
- Is that your final answer?
- Yeah.
Yeah, it's my final answer.
- Very well.
I shall not darken
your door again.
- THUD
Jesus Christ, Gary!
Just use the gate!
- Yeah.
- Bern, you look
- Just doing a spot of business.
- Mind if I pop in to see Drew?
There's something I really need to
- Don't disturb him!
Poor lad's tuckered out.
He broke a personal
record today.
- Maybe the teapot needs emptying.
- I've taken care of all his needs.
- Bern, did you and Drew?
- Get your glad rags on, girls!
We're going to have
a little celebration!
- MOVIE PLAYS ON TV
Are they in Leonardo
DiCaprio's dream now?
- I'd love to be in
Leonardo DiCaprio's dream.
The things I'd do to him
- When you next going in to see Darren Firepot?
- Erm I'm done
with him, actually.
I I just emailed
him, calling it off.
- Serves him right.
No-one likes a liar.
No more stains on your
skirt, then, Shelly?
- No. No more stains.
- Good.
- You cut up about it, babe? - Nah.
Nah, it didn't mean anything.
- I was kind of into going
into the prison with you.
Getting wolf-whistled by a yard full
of crims would've really cheered me up.
- It gets old.
- Don't worry, Zar. Gary's
going to propose any day now.
I just know it.
- Thanks, babe.
Do you want Lee Rhind's number?
- No, thank you.
VEENA: - That was quick.
- It didn't happen! Bern seduced him!
- Unexpected. Nice one, Bern.
It's a wrinkle in the dick plan.
- Yeah, you're telling
me! How does Bern do it?
What's she got that I haven't?
- Mouth sores.
- Bit of news, girls!
It's been a very successful
day in the Dragons' Den.
Drew's on board.
Birmingham, here we come!
- Literally, in Drew's case.
- To Operation Liquid Gold!
- THEY CHEER
- And to Gary! Tomorrow,
babe. Tomorrow.
- To Gary!
And to Jen, for
leaving that note
so I'm in the clear with Renee.
- ALL, SOFTER: To Jen.
- How are you coming on with those tunes, Veens?
- Any minute now.
- You going to do
Inception for us tonight?
Really round the evening off?
- Only if I'm still conscious.
Here we go!
- MUSIC PLAYS:
Dancing Queen by ABBA
THEY SQUEAL
MUSIC STOPS
THEY GROAN
- Veena!
- That's your lot. Took two
hours to crank that out.
- Well, it's just as
well that I brought
..Old Betsy!
- THEY LAUGH
THEY SING: You are
the dancing queen
Young and sweet, only 17 ♪
SONG CONTINUES
Dancing queen
Feel the beat from the
tambourine Oh, yeah ♪
- I'm sorry about
Mum and Drew, babe.
- It's OK. The better woman won.
- Yeah.
It sucks when you lose a bloke
you like to someone else.
- See that girl, watch that scene
Digging the dancing queen ♪
Yeah.
VEENA: - And then
Michael Caine says
- IMITATES CAINE: -
.. "Look who's here."
It's Leonardo DiCaprio's kids!
We zoom in on the top spinning.
It's the end of the film.
Is this a dream?
- Why can't they just make
it clear? Stupid Inception!
- That's the point, Shelly.
We don't know if what we're
watching is the dream
- VOICE FADES: - ..or reality.
- Well, I think
that's a shit ending.
- I'm coming, babe!
Gary's coming!
- HE GROANS