It's Florida, Man. (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

1
NARRATOR:
What you're about to see
may be dangerous,
illegal, unethical,
petty, misguided, immoral,
and most definitely stupid.
But it's also all true.
Hmm. Sort of.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
DERRICK IRVING: I wanted
to get revenge on my ex,
so I came up
with the perfect crime.
It was early morning.
It was like 6:00,
7:00 in the morning.
I had a badass car
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
and a getaway driver.
I even wore a disguise
so the neighbors
wouldn't even know who I was.
I got in easily.
I took my time.
I ignored the obvious valuables.
My getaway driver got nervous.
Hey, time's up. We gotta go.
DERRICK: But I told him
I'm still thinking
of evil stuff to do.
I was thinking on what would
hurt my ex the most.
And then I thought to myself
Bingo.
DERRICK: I stole his best shit.
(CHUCKLING)
I took the air conditioner,
the TV, the vacuum cleaner,
and then I signed off
with the perfect "fuck you."
And that's what I did.
It was beautiful,
just beautiful.
I told myself
"I'm gonna burn
this trailer down
and send him back to Kentucky."
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
My name is Derrick Irving,
I am 42 years old,
and I'm from Daytona Beach,
Florida.
I love cooking.
I cook all the time.
It reminds me
of being in the kitchen
with my grandma.
When this all started,
I wasn't even looking
to date anyone,
but I-- I was on this,
um, dating website.
"DERRICK": Nope.
Mm-hmm, honey.
I really didn't go into it
looking for anyone
or anything specific.
I like to fish.
I love hip-hop and R&B.
DERRICK: Definitely not looking
for Denver, but (CHUCKLING)
Denver?
His profile
would catch your attention.
My profile said something
along the lines of,
"Open for whatever." (CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER:
(CHUCKLES)
I'm Denver Campbell.
I got nothing wrong.
I'll put it like that.
(CHUCKLES)
(CELLPHONE CHIMES)
DERRICK:
Denver just wanted a companion.
Well, he said
he just wanted a companion.
DENVER CAMPBELL:
He was so eager to meet me,
as he would say,
"A sexy Black guy." (CHUCKLES)
He's just like,
"Hell, let's just meet up
this morning for breakfast.
We can go to the Waffle House."
And I'm like,
"The Waffle House?"
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CHOMPS)
(CHUCKLES)
DENVER:
(CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER:
(CLEARS THROAT)
On our second date,
Denver called
and invited me to the beach.
He neglected to tell me
that it was a nude beach.
(SEAGULL SQUAWKING)
He was just like a wolf,
just slobbering,
like just waiting for me
to take off (CHUCKLES)
an article of clothing.
Go on, Mr. Open For Whatever.
(CHUCKLING)
Let's see what you got.
DERRICK:
He just could not stop staring.
I had to take his phone
because he was taking
pictures of me. (CHUCKLES)
"DENVER": Oh my God,
look at that.
Oh my God. (CHUCKLING)
I'm gonna choke
on my own hot dog.
(CHUCKLES) I'm like, "Denver"
Denver was a lot more into me
than I was into him.
I did still-- I liked him
as a person, you know.
TASHEENA IRVING: So, when
Derrick told me about Denver,
he was like,
"I think I really like him."
"He talk a good game,
I’mma just see
where his head at."
And I was like,
"Who the fuck is Denver?"
My name is Tasheena Irving
and I am the sister
of Derrick Irving.
I thought Derrick was out
of his fucking mind
because this guy was old
as shit.
And I was like,
"It gotta be about the money."
Yeah, very much that.
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
You know, he bought me cars.
Whatever I needed,
he was just right there
to help however he could.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER TV)
DERRICK:
Over the next few months,
every day,
we were doing something.
DENVER:
Everything was going good.
(CHUCKLES)
DERRICK:
Denver was very into me.
His mind changed
from just a friendship
to he want to jump
in the sack, you know, together.
And I'm like, "Nah,
that's not going to happen,
that's never going to happen."
Yeah,
of course, they was fucking.
Like, I mean, who-- Wh--
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DERRICK: The more and more
we hung out,
I did start liking him
a little more,
and he wanted me
to move in with him.
So I said,
"Well, I'll give it a try."
And I eventually moved in
to the Empire.
(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DERRICK: The Empire
is what Denver likes to call
his trailer, his home,
his heart. (CHUCKLES)
The Empire.
DENVER:
Denver has a very bad habit
of inviting people,
homeless people,
to come and live with him.
DENVER:
TASHEENA: Denver is a really
kind-hearted person,
and Derrick wouldn't let people
run over him.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I think
they did love each other.
For a good while,
at least a year,
they were-- they were together.
But it messed up
when they decided
to add other people in, I guess.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DENVER:
DERRICK: I met John
at Red Lobster.
We were dating
uh, so to speak.
INTERVIEWER:
No, he did not know about it.
(BOTH SMOOCH)
DERRICK: The only thing
he knew about John was
he dressed in drag.
Denver is pretty old-fashioned
and has some pretty
old-fashioned ideas.
(CHUCKLES)
DERRICK: In Denver's defense,
all John did was put on a wig,
and he didn't even shave
his face.
Denver did not like John
and Derrick together at all.
Not at all.
John had started
coming over,
and Denver would bang
-on the door.
-(DOOR KNOCKING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You brought a crossdresser
into my house?
DERRICK: One Sunday,
I cooked dinner.
He came out
while I was in the other room
and started throwing the food
in the trash.
I spent hours cooking this meal.
(SCOFFS)
DERRICK: I said, "Okay."
Oh, okay.
I'm going to get him right back.
He would have a 24-pack
of long neck Budweiser
in the refrigerator for him
when he get off from work.
"DERRICK": Mm?
-Hey. Hey.
-"DERRICK": What?
Mm-hmm.
DERRICK: I said,
"Denver, see what I'm doing."
-"DENVER": Hey.
-"DERRICK": Mm-hmm.
DENVER:
Those are my 12 good,
cold longneck Budweiser's!
So, he grabbed his phone
and dialed 9-1-1.
(CELLPHONE KEYPAD BEEPING)
And he's like,
"He's pouring out my beers."
He's pouring out my beers.
"You need to get over here
quick!" (CHUCKLES)
DERRICK: Another day,
I put sugar in the tank
of his car.
What in the hell
do you think you're doing?
No, no, no!
DENVER:
(GROANS)
DENVER:
Get it off me.
They got into heated arguments,
and bickering back and forth,
and moving out of one room
to the next.
It was just incident
after incident, so I told him
I didn't want to see him
anymore.
-(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-And when I told him that,
he wasn't happy.
He said something about my mom,
whom is deceased.
And that was the last straw.
I said, "Okay,
I'm gonna burn this trailer down
and send him back to Kentucky."
I was gonna get rid of him
one way or another.
The morning of the crime,
it was cold.
The warmest thing
that I had to put on
was a onesie,
a bull costume onesie.
INTERVIEWER:
(CHUCKLES)
Well, I may have exaggerated
just a little bit. (CHUCKLING)
The heist thing
it was kind of,
sort of a-- a disaster
(CAR DOOR CLOSING)
actually.
(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DERRICK: We did go over there,
but we weren't exactly
professionals.
(CLATTERING)
(ENGINE BACKFIRES)
(CAR DOOR OPENS)
DERRICK: John, he didn't even
wanna get out of the car
to help me.
I said, "I have permission.
You see, I have a key."
You know,
and I was showing him the key.
And so he was like,
"I guess it's okay."
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DERRICK: He came inside,
and he looked and saw a camera.
There's a camera.
DERRICK: He said,
"Oh my God, there's a camera."
He started to freak out.
(WHISPERS) Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Don't freak out.
Do not freak out.
And I was like, "Oh, well,
that's a camera. That's--"
I started dancing
in front of the camera,
like doing a booty shake dance
in front of the camera,
pretty much saying,
"Kiss my ass." (CHUCKLING)
We took a TV,
an air conditioner,
and the vacuum cleaner.
But I was still thinking
of evil stuff to do.
I know that if water
or any other type of,
you know, liquid goes into,
uh, hot grease,
it would explode.
So, I looked around
in the kitchen
for something
to ignite the fire.
And the only thing
that I was able to find was
Bingo!
a bottle
of Ragu spaghetti sauce.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DERRICK: So, I put that in a pot
next to a pot of oil
and I turned them both on high.
There was a rag
that I had fishing
from one pot to the other,
you know, and I was thinking
that once the Ragu sauce boiled,
it would feed over to the oil
and it would explode
and then,
the trailer would be burnt down,
and he would be upset.
(PANTS)
Watch this.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DENVER:
There's someone breaking
-into my mobile home right now.
-(SIREN CHIRPING)
DENVER:
-Be cool now.
-Be cool.
(COUGHS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
INTENSIFIES) ♪
DETECTIVE BOWLIN: What the fuck?
OFFICER: What is that?
I believe it's marinara.
(SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DERRICK: Once I got
into the car,
I was trying
to do a mental checklist
to make sure I had everything,
like, evidence-wise, you know,
bec-- In case,
the cops came or something.
All right, okay,
Ragu sauce, check.
I have that wallet.
I have that--
I have everything that I,
you know, came here with,
but then,
when we got down the street,
I was like, "Oh, shit."
Stop!
We gotta stop, we gotta go back.
And he was like, "Why?"
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I left my cigarettes.
Then John was like (SCOFFS)
"I'll just buy you
another pack." I'm like, "No,
this is really important."
Because he didn't know
what I had done
with the Ragu sauce and the oil.
So, we went back.
(CHUCKLING) We went back,
circled the block,
and went back to the Empire
and
Oh, shit. (CHUCKLES)
(SCOFFS)
DERRICK: Ran head
into a sheriff deputy.
(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Motherfucker. (LAUGHS)
-OFFICER: Oh, shit.
DERRICK: The deputy
put the fire out
-before it could explode
-BOWLIN: Uh-huh.
and burn down the trailer.
I didn't even realize
that I still had
the bull onesie on,
until one of the officers
was like
"What the hell?"
What the hell is this,
a bear costume?
I remember turning around
and looking at him
while I was in cuffs
and saying this.
It's not a bear costume,
it's a fucking bull.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DENVER:
Thank you very kindly.
They was dumbasses.
DERRICK: I thought that,
if the plan of the trailer
burning down did not work,
I was gonna be able
to get the memory card
from the camera,
and I was gonna be able
to delete that stuff, you know?
But, uh, yeah,
it didn't work out that way.
MATT AUSTIN:
Two guys are facing charges
after Volusia County deputies
say they tried to pull off
quite the bizarre burglary plot.
Suspects tried to start a fire
with spaghetti sauce.
(WAILS)
John,
he started crying instantly,
you know, because he had never
been arrested.
I didn't care at the moment
because I-- I thought
that once they get in contact
with Denver,
he's gonna clear this all up.
It was just
a big misunderstanding.
DENVER:
Hi.
DERRICK: I remember him
looking at me
and he licked his tongue out
and gave me the middle finger.
DENVER:
He said,
"Well, I don't know that man,
and I wanna press charges
to the fullest extent."
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INDISTINCT CHATTER OVER RADIO)
DENVER:
BOWLIN: Marinara.
Gotcha.
(CHUCKLES)
The jar of Ragu sauce
was the smoking gun. (CHUCKLES)
I was facing 15 years for arson,
burglary
of an unoccupied dwelling,
and dealing in stolen property.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
DENVER:
Where is Denver Campbell?
DENVER:
Goddamn, I'm so nervous.
Mr. Campbell, you're going
to have to speak up.
Denver changed his story.
I'm changing my story.
DERRICK: Denver,
he just batted down
all of her questions.
TASHEENA: Denver is the one
who dropped charges.
He stopped cooperating
with the state.
DENVER:
I gotta spend the next 15 years
of my life lying here
knowing that he's in prison?
I can't do that.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
He brought a damn crossdresser
in the house.
He brought a damn crossdresser
in my house.
DENVER:
Mr. Irving, you're a lucky man
to have a friend like this.
DERRICK: And the judge said,
"This case will be forever
known to me
as the 'drag queen defense.'"
JUDGE: Court adjourned.
("DERRICK" GRUNTS)
Classic drag queen defense.
Case was dismissed.
NEWS REPORTER:
Welcome back, everybody.
The secret is in the sauce.
(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
TASHEENA: I was on Instagram
and I saw a post
about a saucy bandit,
and I was like,
"Bitch, is that my brother?"
His lips was all white and shit.
And I'm like, "Damn,
he didn't think to lick his lips
before he got on there."
Like, why would you take
a mugshot like that?
NEWS REPORTER 2:
One man was wearing
a onesie costume
disguised as a bull.
My brother
became an overnight sensation.
I was upset because of the way
they described me
as the monster.
You know, I guess--
Now, that I think about it,
I was a monster.
But they didn't have to put
that all
in the news and stuff like that.
But (CHUCKLES)
I am definitely
a Florida Man.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(CHUCKLES)
DERRICK: So,
when I was released,
I was pretty much homeless
at that point.
Right now, I am living here,
uh, in the camper.
You see,
right next to the trailer
that I allegedly burnt down.
DERRICK: (CHUCKLING)
Why would I poison something
that I'm gonna eat myself,
silly?
DENVER:
DERRICK: I was happy to,
you know, be next to him again,
you know,
breathe in the same air.
Denver was right there
to pick me up.
I really had a friend
that I could really depend on.
(CHUCKLES)
(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-DENVER:
-DERRICK: Mm-hmm.
-(CHUCKLES)
-(CHUCKLES)
What about when you
called the police
when I poured out the beers?
DERRICK: (CHUCKLING) What--
Well,
what making it an emergency?
What did the officer say?
DERRICK: Like he's talking
to some grown-ass children.
(CHUCKLES)
I think it's awesome
because regardless
of what they go through,
if Derrick got into a bind
right now,
and he was stuck in Orlando,
Denver will drop
every fucking thing
he's doing to make sure Derrick
has a ride to get back.
He'll drive
like an old ass lady,
like he driving Miss Daisy,
but he's gonna make sure
he get there.
And he's gonna make sure
Derrick's okay.
(CHUCKLES)
It's comical now, you know,
and the lesson
that I learned from this,
the-- the entire thing was,
you know, don't burn bridges
that you're gonna have to cross
again.
The trailer was the bridge.
(CHUCKLES)
-(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-Recently,
Derrick actually shot Denver
in the face with a pellet gun.
I don't know
if he told y'all that.
I just--
I didn't know who it was.
First, there was scratching
at my window.
There was a--
Still a hole at the--
On the screen.
I said, "All right, I got a gun,
and I'll shoot."
Well, but still, it--
You was on the ground.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
("STAY IN MY LIFE"
BY THE REVEREND HORATIO DUNCAN
& AMOS SWEETS PLAYING) ♪
I want you to stay ♪
In my life, Lord ♪
Lord, when I walk with you ♪
-I see the light ♪
-Whoa ♪
Oh, the bull onesie.
We were getting rid
of some clothes.
We decided
to bag up those clothes,
wash them, and send them
to the Volusia County Sheriffs
Boys Ranch,
uh, as a donation.
And my bull onesie
was a part of that donation.
Not intentionally, but
That's where it ended up.
INTERVIEWER:
So you donated your onesie
to the sheriff’s department
that arrested you in it?
Yes. (CHUCKLES)
-It was always up to me ♪
-Ooh ♪
Why'd it take so long to see ♪
I want you to stay ♪
-Please, stay, Lord ♪
-With me today ♪
-Oh, I need you to stay, hey ♪
-I'm lost ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪