On the Buses (1969) s01e04 Episode Script

I couldn't help it.
Mum, the traffic's absolutely murder.
Who'd be a bus driver?
Hey, do you know what?
It took me half an hour to get down the high street.
Blimey, I think you'd get down the high street quicker than that.
Of course I could, but I'm not allowed to leave the cab, am I?
Well, they'll be ready in five minutes.
Oh, good.
Just try it with a quick fag.
Oh, it's a good idea.
Thanks very much.
Don't the railways pay you enough, then?
What do you mean, don't you buy your own fags?
I do, my packet's empty.
I've come to the conclusion you buy empty packets, you don't buy fags.
That's out.
I think you only married my sister just to get her my fags.
Oh, did you, kid?
Oh, now, now, Stan.
You didn't order smoke.
It's not good for you.
Well, I'm all on edge.
You don't realise, Mum.
I've been driving that bus for nearly four hours non-stop.
I can't relax for a minute, you know.
Oh, I know.
It's a great responsibility.
All them people's lives in your hands.
Oh, blimey, what a lot of fuss.
He drives a bus, not a jumbo jet.
Don't give me that, mate.
Those pilots have it cushy.
What?
Six hours across the Atlantic, battling against the elements?
Yes, but they don't have to keep stopping to pick up passengers.
And they don't have a hostess dinging the bell all the time to let people off.
Oh, dear, you got that there pain again?
Oh, it's only a twinge.
Don't worry about it, Mum.
We all get it.
It's what they call a bus driver's stomach.
Bus driver's stomach?
It's no such thing.
What a lot of rot you do talk.
Of course there is.
It's sitting over that thumping engine all day long, with the stress and the
strain of it all.
It's what they call occupational hazard.
It's like nothing the conductors get standing all day.
Do they have bus driver's stomach, too?
No, they get conductor's flat feet.
Oh, well, that's not so bad.
You can put your feet in a nice hot bowl of water, more than you can do with
your stomach.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, you got the pain again.
You better have some of Olive's medicine.
You don't mind, do you, Olive?
Couldn't care less.
Gives me wind.
Mum, I don't want it, please.
Now, put it away.
I don't want it.
I don't want the medicine.
Oh, dear, come on, give me a hand.
All I want is me lunch.
I'll get you lunch, and I'll stay away.
It's got nothing to do with it.
I get the pain from driving the bus.
It has got nothing to do with driving your bus.
It's your eating habits.
What are you talking about?
Gobbling down all the wrong sort of food.
God blimey, you've done half talk, a load of rubbish at times, haven't you?
Don't take your notes from me, mate.
Here's your evidence.
You listen to this.
The effects of food on the body.
You are what you eat.
If that's the case, you must have been brought up on stewed cod's heads.
Do you mind?
It's a very serious book.
Chapter one.
How to stop digging your grave with your teeth.
That's easy.
Have your teeth out.
If you don't shut up, I'll knock yours out.
Blimey, Arthur, I was heading off.
You can write about a pain in your throat.
Now, what's going on here, eh?
Oh, good.
Fried sausages and chips.
Where are the chips, then?
Here they are.
I've just warmed them up.
Oh, good.
The smell gets right in me lungs.
Well, don't worry, love.
I'll soon put this lot out of your way.
Blimey, if you've got a pain in your stomach, you shouldn't be eating fried
food for a start.
Well, can't do him no harm.
I cooked him myself.
If you cooked him arsenic, he wouldn't exactly thrive on it, would he?
Now, listen here.
Fried food can be positively dangerous to anyone with an ulcer.
But, blimey, I haven't got an ulcer.
You will have after that lot, mate.
If an habitual pain is not caused by ulceration, however, it could be the sign
of several serious ailments.
What ailments?
Well, it doesn't specify exactly, but it says most of these can prove fatal.
Fatal?
Yeah.
Ah, don't you know, it's a load of rubbish, Mum.
Well, makes you think, Stan.
You never know.
What are you doing?
That's got nothing to do with it.
I just get the cramp, that's all.
It's the acid in your stomach.
You've got enough acid in your stomach to burn a two-inch hole in a carpet.
Now, look here.
Now, that's silly.
Stan don't eat bits of carpet.
Look, it is a well-established fact that the excess heat in a fried food can
lead to the necessity for surgical intervention.
Try it.
Well, we won't take no chances.
Yeah.
Oh, for mother's sake!
Chips have never hurt me.
Oh, yes, they have.
Remember when you went in the shadow van to market?
You had chips and you were sick all day.
I remember that day better than you do.
And on that day, I had cockles, six ice creams, two plates of jelly deals, a
candy floss, a ride on the Big Dipper, kicking the stomach from her all in half
an hour.
And it's got nothing to do with chips.
Well, I think Arthur's right.
Best have no chips at all.
Chips never did anyone any good at all.
Blimey, look, I can't survive on two sausages.
No, no, no, all right, love, all right.
You should have one of, uh, one of Olive's yoghurts.
A yoghurt?
Yes, that's right.
Apple and bilberry.
Well, I don't like it.
Sorry, do you want it, don't you, Olive?
No, I've had too many chips.
Right, well, I've, uh, got to get back to the depot anyway.
What, now?
You're not taking a bus out till four o'clock.
No, I know, but I just remembered I've, uh, got some paperwork to do, haven't
I?
Ta-ta, then.
Ta-ta, love.
Ta-ta.
The service in this canteen's getting shocking.
You came up here half an hour ago, and you've only just got your chips.
That's his third portion.
Especially, mate.
That's what I've been telling him.
If you've got a pain in your stomach, feed it.
Give me a gastric juice, it's something to work on.
Couldn't agree more.
Pass that to the source, will you, Harry?
Might as well give it a bit of overtime.
I've been driving for 20 years, and you've got to learn to live with busman's
stomach.
Double portion of chips and tea, love.
Mind you, if your stomach's bad, don't let on to the inspector.
They're tightening up.
Any driver who isn't up to it is being transferred to cleaning.
No, but that's typical, isn't it?
The management don't want to risk having to pay sick benefit.
No, they'd rather pay death benefit.
Because that won't only pay it once, you see.
Oh, Jack, I've got that pain again.
Do you think it's anything to do with eating this greasy food?
No, of course it isn't.
It's sitting in your cab all day, isn't it?
Slumped over the wheels.
It's your posture.
What's wrong with it?
You ain't got none.
All right.
No, I'll tell you what it is, mate.
See, your vertebra
Yeah.
He's pressing against your gastric nerve.
There, like that, see?
Bust my stomach.
Bust my stomach.
I was telling my brother-in-law Arthur about that, yeah.
What you want, mate, is manipulation.
Yeah.
Tell you what.
Why don't you get Bert to have a go at you?
He does the football team.
Wizard with his hands, you know.
Jack's right.
A quick twist of your backbones from Bert and you'll be as right as rain.
He knows what he's doing.
Here, Bert, come over here.
He's an expert on bones.
Yeah.
Oh, good, yeah.
What's your trouble, nutbusses?
No, no, it's not me, it's him.
It's his vertebra.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's to do with the spine, right?
Yeah, what's he saying?
Manipulation.
You might need a little bit of looting.
Oh, oh, oh!
I can't do it like sitting down.
Stand up.
All it wants is your own neck stretched out.
Hey, Bert!
Yeah.
Are you a bone man or an egg man?
Now, look, you've got to relax.
If you don't relax, I can't do nothing, can I?
Blimey, haven't you done it?
No, now, look.
You ready?
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm gonna do it now.
Hold up.
Oh!
I'll do that now, you unstretch the old spine, yeah?
Oh!
That's it, there.
Let me make sure you get it down.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Bert!
Put me back here!
Oh!
Oh!
Come and sit down.
Oh!
Now, all you've got to do is when you get home, have a nice hot bath, and
you'll be as white as rain, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh!
Oh, thanks, Bert.
The hell?
Never felt a thing, did you?
That's cos I'm numb.
You look better already.
He knows what he's doing, Bert.
He was taught to do that in the army.
To their side or ours?
Blimey, he's half crippled me, Jack.
Only half.
Yeah, Bert, you're understandable.
Pay attention, now.
I've got an official notice here from the office.
Concerns all drivers.
You all right, are you?
Yeah.
Oh, blimey!
Yeah, why, what's wrong?
I'm glad to hear it.
Cos the management, in their infinite wisdom, have decided that all drivers
must undergo a medical next Tuesday.
Medical?
What for?
Too many of yous are not properly fit.
Some of yous are not fit for anything.
Any driver found to be suffering from stomach, back or allied complaints might
be transferred to other duties, i.e. cleaning or maintenance.
That means no overtime.
Exactly.
So you'd better hurry up and get yourself fit, haven't you?
You've got exactly five days in which to fool the boys.
Don't worry me, mate.
There's nothing wrong with me.
No?
I'll pin this up on the board and you can all read it at your leisure time.
Yeah.
Gordon, you're the right comic that, mate, aren't you?
Medical.
It's a piece of cake, mate.
Walk it.
Let's have a look at it.
Oh, Gordon!
Listen, mate, I keep telling you, I don't need a doctor.
I can pass that company medical just like that.
There's nothing wrong with me, so stop worrying.
It's just a little twinge I've got.
Right, so I'm fit.
Fit?
Blimey, you even make Olive here look healthy.
What a family I'm married into.
Don't you talk about my children like that.
When you married my Olive, we all knew about your condition.
Yeah.
Anyway, it was better after you had the operation.
Yeah, but it ruined the first year of my marriage.
Yeah, well, shut up.
Anyway, I've got to go, mate.
Now, then, are you coming back later, love?
Yeah, and I'm telling you something else, I don't need a doctor, so you can get
your mind off of that for a start.
I still think you want to see Dr Clark.
I don't want one, Mum.
I hate doctors.
You know that, love.
I've got to get cracking now.
All right, you're coming back later.
Well, I'll knock off at two o'clock.
Let's see.
I've promised Jack to see his motorbike, take his injured bits.
I'll be back at five o'clock.
All right, love.
Tell her, Mum.
Yeah.
Arthur.
Yeah.
I've been thinking, when Dr Clark comes to see Olive, he could see Stan at the
same time.
Well, he's not coming to see Olive.
Oh, yes, he is.
Olive, dear, I think you'd better go up to bed.
Olive?
No, I don't feel that ill.
Don't argue, dear.
Do as your mum says.
Up you go.
Oh, Mum, I saw Dr Clark yesterday.
Arthur, ring up Dr Clark and tell him that Dolly's not feeling very well.
Ring up Dr
Oh, I see.
You're a cunning old thing, aren't you, eh?
I'll tell you one thing, if Stan finds out Dr Clark's here, he's not going to
stop in to see him.
I can manage Stan all right.
He won't know nothing about it till it's too late.
Won't he?
No.
Dr Clark will be here shaking him by the hand with one hand and filling his
stomach with the other.
I hope Stan won't be late.
Ah, look, the doctor's not due for ten minutes.
Yeah, come on, love.
Come on, help me tidy up the place.
Go on.
Here, Rusty.
Here, there, there.
Hey, do you want this, er, on this laundry, put in a cupboard there?
No, no, no, give it to me.
I got it out for Stan.
Well, clean vest and pants.
Yes, I want him to have everything on clean.
He's got to have everything on clean, he'll never know what the doctor may want
to examine.
And I'll tell you something, Dr Clark is very thorough.
Here, he's standing now.
Oh, so it is.
Hello, Stan, tea's nearly ready.
Oh, dearie, dearie, dearie.
Stan!
Oh, Stan, you're filthy.
Well, of course I am.
I had to take Jack's motorbike and a bit to the engine.
Look, it's a bit of a messy job, see?
Yeah, yeah, well, well, you can't sit down a tea like that.
No, of course you can't.
I'll turn the water on in the sink.
There's no point, Mum.
I'm going straight back after tea to put the engine together again.
No, I'm telling you, you can't sit down a tea like that.
Oh, well, if you feel that way about it, I shan't bother about tea.
I'll go straight back to Jack's.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that because, er
Because what?
Well, because, er
Yeah, well, because your mother's got the tea all set out, hasn't she?
Yes, I have.
Now, come on, wash your face and your hands.
I'll turn the water on.
Now, there's the soap, love.
Soap?
What, do you need some quick whip-round with a wild wolf?
Nah, it's not.
I need paraffin.
That's the stuff that gets it.
Oh, dear, it smells awful.
That's all right.
Oh, here, look at your chest.
It's all covered in oil.
No, don't, don't, don't.
Don't wipe that off, Mum.
It makes your ears grow bigger.
Oh, you stink to high heaven.
It's all right.
All right?
Here, look, even the cat's got out the room.
Now, look, Mum, you've got to do something.
Where's the air freshener?
What?
Oh, yes, that's idea, yes.
Here we are.
That's fine.
What are you doing?
Turn it in!
I don't
Get away!
I don't want it, Mum!
Pack it up, pack it up!
You've got to smell nice, anyway.
Blimey, I'm only going to have a cup of tea.
I'm not going on my honeymoon.
Give me a sip of this.
Blimey, that's hand-killer.
Oh, dear.
Do I never mind?
There's snake oil in it.
You can do without as well.
And you can do with a few scotches, too.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
What?
Don't sit down on here with them filthy trousers.
You get them changed, eh, Mum?
Get them changed.
And while you're at it, you can put your clean pants on, too.
Clean pants?
Clean pants?
But, blimey, I don't have a cup of tea!
And your vest.
A vest and pa
Have you gone potty?
What about his vest and pants?
Why don't he change his?
Oh, there's someone at the front door.
I wonder who that can be.
Oh, shall I go and answer it?
No, I'll let him in.
How do you know it was in him?
Uh, yeah, well, um, she must have recognised his knock.
But he rang.
Blimey, it's Dr Clark.
What's he come for?
Oh, he must have come to see Olive.
She's in bed with her chest.
Well, let's hope she doesn't bring him in here, that's all I say.
Oh, I've got it.
I've got it now.
Clean vest, clean pants, all the best crockery out.
Yeah, well
Blimey, she's cunning and she's dead crafty, you've got to admit that.
And you knew all about it as well.
I'll tell you something, mate.
He's not putting his hands on me.
Shouldn't he be, what, without rubber gloves on?
No, he didn't.
He's nothing but a doddering old fool, I'm telling you that.
Do you know what he is?
He's an old twer
Oh, hello.
Yes, Stan, Dr
Dr Clark insisted on seeing Olive, but see you first.
I bet he did.
Now, good afternoon, Arthur.
Good afternoon.
Well, now, Stanley, your mother tells me you've been having trouble with your
stomach.
Oh, just a twinge, you know, I didn't
Well, now, tell me, do you feel any pain just there?
No.
Or here?
And sometimes we get some pain just there.
He's got a full house, hasn't he?
Well, you bus drivers, you're all alike.
Acute inflammation of the stomach and the duodenum.
You'll have to watch what he eats.
She can't do that.
It's never on the plate long enough.
Of course, it's food, doesn't it?
He always did, even when he was a little baby.
Yes.
He was always so eager.
He used to bite the top off the bottle.
Still down there, I think.
Doctor, do you think that Stan will pass his bus medical?
What?
Oh, the company doctor will spot what's wrong with him without getting out of
his car.
Oh, well, listen, Doctor, well, can you give me something for
Well, I can't do anything about the shaking up you get from the engine, but I
can give you a little painkiller, and you'll have to go on a very strict diet
of milk and slops.
What?
No chips?
He won't stay on that for a minute.
Oh, yes, he will if I say so.
Yeah.
I've got willpower.
You are a chip addict.
Your chips sudden, mate.
You have them with every meal.
What are you talking about?
I don't have them for breakfast, do I?
I can give up chips just like that, mate.
They don't mean anything to me, I'm telling you.
Troy don't want a few chips, mate.
Me?
No, no, I'm all right with this, no.
What is that stuff?
Old milk and straight tapioca.
Oh, blimey.
Yeah, very good.
Go down the tree.
Stuffing your kite as usual, are you?
Come on, you're due out in three minutes.
Oh, blimey, I've got me weighing bill.
See you on the bus.
Yeah, all right then, Jack, yeah.
11th Cemetery Gate.
This'll be Stan's
Stan's bus.
Now, he ought to be here at any moment now.
Hmm, I wonder where he
I wonder where he is.
Oh, there he is!
Stan!
Hello, Stan.
Been in the canteen?
Yes, Mum, yes.
Having your milk pudding?
Pudding, yeah.
Why are you chewing?
Oh, it's a bit lumpy.
Ready, Stan?
Yes, yeah.
Here.
What are you two doing here, anyway?
Oh, Mum bought something to help your stomach from the chemist.
I don't want any more medicine.
No, not medicine.
This.
A rubber ring?
Yeah.
You sit on it, love.
Well, look, this is not a halo.
Look, Mum, I've got pains in me stomach and I've got pains in me back, but I
certainly haven't got pains in me
Yeah, well, you will have if you expect a costume of that thing.
You'll get a boot right up your rear bumper.
Now, Stan, you put that on the driving seat and it stops all the vibrations
going up to your stomach, you know?
Yeah, I know, Mum, but
Now, put it on the
Yeah, what I'm trying to say is, Mam, you see
Well, what's the matter?
Don't you like it?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's just what I wanted.
Oh, well, put it on the seat and sit on it.
What, now?
Yes, love.
We want to see if it fits.
The man said it must fit properly.
It might not be your size.
Yeah, 6 7 8.
That's my size, yeah.
We don't want you to get stuck in it, Stan.
No, don't worry.
If he does, I can always prise him out with a couple of tyre levers.
Here, Mum, look.
I don't think I can put this in the cabin.
Here, watch it.
Here comes the Gestapo.
Come on, Butler.
Come on.
You'll do out, you know.
Oh.
Hello.
Got the whole family here today, have we?
I do.
I do.
Stan, the reporter's for Stan.
Yes, he came to give me a send-off.
A send-off?
He's going to the cemetery gates and back.
He's not sailing on a non-stop voyage round the world.
I'll see the Queen gives him a knighthood when he comes back, shall I?
Oh, thank you.
Well, there you go round the Cape, won't you?
Watch that new bollard in the High Street.
Hi.
What?
What are you sitting up my way like that for?
I'm not.
I'm not.
You are.
You're much higher than usual.
What are you sitting up my way like that for?
I'm not.
Well, it's, er
What is it?
Well, they've pumped the tyres up a bit too hard.
Drive away.
Bye, Stan.
What do you think you're doing?
Recognising a test?
Yeah.
I'm waiting for it to go green, you stupid nit.
I think it's blowing up.
Pack it in, will you?
You're making us look ridiculous.
What's the matter now?
I've gone giddy.
Get in there.
What?
Am I moving?
What's wrong now?
I've got a poacher.
He'll come out and jack you up, rid you with a spear.
And get cracking.
Now, but you're three minutes late, you know.
You must do better than that.
I can't in the traffic.
I mean you can't, do you?
What's that?
Oh, yes, er, that's me life belt.
Life belt?
You're thinking of driving into the river, are you?
Yeah, next time you're on board.
I'm not.
Very funny.
You'd better start thinking of doing that within the next three days.
What are you talking about?
When the medical board sees you, they'll have you out of that cab.
You won't be up there driving it, you'll be cleaning it.
You wouldn't pass a medical.
They'd chuck you out for making acid.
What are you talking about?
Don't be personal.
I do not make acid.
No, but I do, every time I see you.
Come and jack.
Hey, Arthur, here's your chips.
Oh, thanks very much.
I'm in medical.
Do I have to keep drinking this stuff all the time?
You haven't had the results yet.
I think you'd better stick to your milk.
Tomorrow I'll give you something else.
Oh, good.
A nice piece of boiled cod.
He's in here.
Stan, it's Jack and Harry.
Oh, hello, Jack.
Stan, we just came from the depot.
They put the results in the rack.
I thought you'd like to see yours.
Oh, yeah, of course, yeah.
I wonder what it says.
You're too frightened to open it.
I'm not.
I'm fast, Matt!
I'm fast!
What did I tell you?
I'm fast!
Don't get too excited.
Loves it to stomach.
You're lucky, mate.
Out of here, got turned down.
They put you on cleaning?
No.
Inspector.
Inspector?
Yeah.
The three drivers that failed the medical got made inspector.
Oh, I see.
You're not getting so much money, then?
Two quid a week.
More.
I've got me pain back again.
All right, love.
Come on, you better have some more milk.
I don't want to drink it.
If I'd drunk it, I'd have been an inspector.
Besides, milk's for cats.
Give it to Rusty.
What are you going to have?
Oh, there's chips.
Give them to me.
What are you doing?