Petticoat Junction (1963) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Come ride the little train ♪
That is rollin' down the tracks to the Junction ♪
Forget about your cares ♪
It is time to relax at the Junction ♪
Lots of curves, you bet ♪
And even more when you get ♪
To the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
There's a little hotel called
the Shady Rest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
It is run by Kate, come and
be her guest at the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction ♪
And that's Uncle Joe, he's a-movin' kinda slow ♪
At the Junction ♪
Petticoat Junction! ♪
Two and three and four and five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Here, here, what's going on?
We're working on a new finish
for the Jamboree Hoedown, Mom.
Yeah, see how you like it.
Da-da-da-da-da, bum-bum. ♪
That's very, very good.
Of course, it would be better with boys. Uh-huh.
Anything's better with boys.
Yeah, here.
Add these to the decorations.
And get busy.
Where's Uncle Joe?
In the dining room, Mom.
Uncle Joe, you promised to hang that sign out front for us.
Kate, I've only got two hands and one mouth.
Well, I guess the girls and I can manage it.
How about a little help from your hobo friend?
Who?
That no-good moocher
that's taking you for free room and board.
I presume you're referring to Mr. Norman Curtis.
I'm referring to Nutty Norman, the freeloader.
Uncle Joe, Mr. Curtis may be
temporarily financially embarrassed,
but he is an ambitious, intelligent,
refined, well-educated gentleman.
Don't waste all that hot air, put it in here.
You're going to be sorry when you find out
where he is right now.
In the kitchen eating up all the food?
No, sir.
He's gone to Pixley with Floyd and Charley.
He's got a plan to attach a flatcar
to the back of the train, put benches on it
and bring 50 extra people to our jamboree.
Now where would he get a flatcar?
He he says he has connections with the railroad.
His only connections are with a knife and fork.
Well, Floyd and Charley thought enough of his plan
to take him into Pixley with them.
In fact, they gave him the throttle.
That's dangerous. Why?
He might put ketchup on it and eat it.
He sure looks happy, don't he?
Of course he does.
Poor old hobo
All of his life he's been riding the rods,
and now he's at the throttle of the Hooterville Cannonball.
Hey, Norman. Yeah.
You really think you can get that flatcar?
Well, I told you fellas,
I got connections with this railroad.
Mr. Curtis' office.
No, I'm sorry, Mr. Curtis is out of the city
for a few days
Secretary of Labor? Yes, I'll tell him.
Mr. Curtis' office.
No, I'm sorry. He won't be able to go to Washington
for the White House conference.
Mr. Curtis' office.
No, no, I'm sorry,
he's someplace between Hooterville and Pixley.
I don't know where they are either.
Come on, Mom, you can dance it.
One, two, three, four
Now, that's
Save that for your young fellas.
Uncle Joe and I will watch from the sidelines.
Well, speak for yourself, Kate.
I can shake a foot with any of these young bucks.
Come on, Uncle Joe.
Come on.
One, two, three, four There's a step you can do.
Look, two more fellas.
Now we all have partners.
Come on, Charley. We're doing a new dance for the jamboree.
Hold it, hold it, girls.
I'm afraid there ain't gonna be a jamboree.
How can that be?
There's no way for the folks to get here.
That fella Curtis has wrecked the Cannonball.
Wrecked the Cannonball?
What?!
He just as good as wrecked it.
Busted the throttle right smack off.
Can't run a train without a throttle.
How'd it happen?
He tried to show off going up Bleaker's Hill.
Yanked the throttle back so hard
he snapped it right in two.
Pretty much pulled a rod right out of the boiler.
Yeah, Floyd and I had to pound
it back with a block of wood.
Shut off the steam.
Well, what'd you do, walk all the way from Bleaker's Hill?
No, we let it roll backwards and coasted to here.
Well, Kate, what do you think
of your refined, intelligent Mr. Curtis now?
He's wrecked a train and ruined our jamboree.
I hope you're satisfied.
Shh. Here he comes.
Now don't just stand there, Kate,
go get him something to eat.
He's probably hungry after all he did today.
I don't know what to say.
Take a crack at "good-bye."
Now, Uncle Joe
Charley, can't the throttle be fixed?
I'm afraid we'll have to get a new one.
A new old one.
They ain't made 'em like that in 50 years.
Might as well face it, Kate
The Cannonball can't be fixed in time
to bring the folks to the jamboree.
Yes, it can.
Now listen to me, everyone
Quiet, folks, we're gonna hear some words of wisdom
from our distinguished hobo guest.
I hadn't intended to reveal my identity to you,
but now I think I should.
And then you'll know that I can have the train fixed.
I am Norman P. Curtis
President of the C. & F.W. Railroad.
Charley, are you sure that throttle can't be fixed.
Don't you believe me?
Norman, this is no time for jokes.
But wait a minute, Kate.
I'll prove it to you.
Anybody got a dime?
Aw, forget it, Norman.
That thing's as phony as you are.
What?
It's got the same kind of connections
with the telephone company you've got with the railroad
None.
Well, why is it here?
Gives the hotel class.
Which it's going to need plenty of with you here.
Norman, you're pathetic.
Maybe Lon Harker can fix that.
He's a farmer.
He also does blacksmithing.
If he can mend a plow,
why can't he forge that together?
How we gonna get up to his place with no train?
Cut through the woods to the county road
and hitch a ride.
Let's go, Charley. It's worth a try.
I just wanted to say,
I'm awful sorry about Mr. Curtis.
Kind of feel like it's my fault
for inviting him to stay here.
Aw, Kate, don't be blaming yourself.
It's our fault, too.
We let him drive the train.
Kate, I'm kind of worried about Floyd and me going off
and leaving you and the girls and Nutty Norman.
But Uncle Joe's here.
Well, that's what I mean. Can you handle two of them?
Get out of here, both of you.
Kate, if I can only get to a telephone,
I guarantee you I can have that train running again.
Well, the nearest telephone is in Hooterville.
Isn't there any way I can get there?
There's a handcar down by the water tower,
but, uh, that's a mighty long way to pump.
Well, I was the stroke on the Yale varsity crew
that beat Harvard, Princeton and Cornell.
Yeah.
Oh, I liked him so much better
before he started all that bragging.
What's the matter?
You girls haven't touched a bite of your food.
Not hungry. Me either.
Uncle Joe, how can you eat at a time like this?
Well, this is a perfect time.
When Nutty Norman's at the table,
nobody else had a chance.
How do your girls expect to do any dancing
when you're not eating?
Who's going to be dancing?
Now no one can get here for the jamboree.
Oh, no, let's not give up.
We got a lot of things going for us.
Maybe Lon Harker will forge
the throttle back together again.
Maybe Nutty Norman, will
I mean, Mr. Curtis will do something.
Please, Kate, not while I'm eating.
Well, he's certainly trying.
He's pumping the handcar all the way to Hooterville.
Oh, fine.
It's not enough losing the train
Now the handcar's gone.
Well, come on, girls.
If you're not going to eat,
pick up your plates, take 'em to the kitchen
and help me.
And don't pay any attention to your Uncle Joe
about anything he says about Mr. Curtis.
I still say, in spite of everything that's happened,
that man has something great inside him.
Yeah, our food.
Good afternoon, ladies.
How do you do?
How do you do?
We're waiting for the train.
Well, I wish you luck.
Uh, pardon me.
Would one of you ladies please let me have a dime?
It's very important.
Thank you very much.
Hello, operator,
I want to talk person to person
to General Frank Newton.
The number is code area 311, 555-8324.
I want extension 1-1-1-1.
Operator, charge this to credit account
555-2368-L, 184.
I just gave you the number.
Code area 311, 555-8324.
Extension 1-1-1-1.
Credit account is 555-2368-L 184.
Oh, oh, this number.
Why didn't you say so.
Hooterville 3.
Oh, hello, Frank?
This is Norman.
Well, how's my favorite general?
Well, you old rascal.
You've been fooling around with models long enough.
How'd you like to work on the real thing?
Well, in course it's important.
I wouldn't ask you otherwise.
Frank, some wonderful people are depending on it.
Now listen, I want you to get a hold
of George Prentice in Detroit
and Dave LaSalle in New York
and I want all of you here in Hooterville
the first thing in the morning ready to go to work.
Hooterville.
Well, get out your map and your magnifying glass
and I'll tell you where it is.
Who is he?
That's the hobo Kate Bradley took in.
They call him Nutty Norman.
I'll say one thing.
You might as well say good-bye to your dime.
Oh, you're very nice.
Shoo! Get away from here!
Go on! Shoo! Get along! Just shoo!
You get away from here.
Stop eating this train.
Just because she sat here since yesterday
doesn't mean she won't run again.
Anybody showed up yet?
Well, not yet, but the girls are out looking.
Might as well take that stupid sign down.
We ain't gonna have no jamboree.
Uncle Joe, whatever you do, don't start acting gloomy
and pessimistic in front of the girls.
We gotta keep their spirits up.
Okay.
Mother!
Any sign of the handcar coming from Hooterville?
No, Mother.
And it would just break your heart
to see the poor old Cannonball.
Chickens are laying eggs in
her and goats are chewing on her.
It's terrible.
Oh, baby, cheer up.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Isn't it, Uncle Joe?
Oh, y-you bet. Just fine and dandy.
Yeah, you see Mom! Oh.
Any sign of Floyd and Charlie?
Not a sign, Mother.
And we hiked clear over to the county road.
Well, now, don't get discouraged.
Everything's going to be fine.
Isn't it, Uncle Joe?
You bet, just fine and dandy.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna take this stupid sign down.
We ain't gonna have no jamboree.
Now later.
Norman. Norman, jar that loose.
Kate. Kate.
What's the matter.
That freeloader, Nutty Norman.
He's back, and he brung his rat pack with him.
Rat pack? Three more freeloaders.
Hoboes just like him.
This time, they're gonna finish the Cannonball for sure.
What do you mean?
They're swarming all over it, taking it apart.
They're probably gonna cart it up
and haul it away and sell it for junk.
Kate, I wouldn't go down there if I was you.
They look dangerous.
Oh, I'll be all right.
Yell if you need me.
I'll be having a bite of lunch.
Frank!
Communication's set up. It's ready to go.
Be with you in a minute.
Norm. The valve rod is shot.
What do you suppose kept her going?
Habit.
Well, I guess we'd better put another one in, huh?
Norman.
Hello, Kate. Well, good heavens,
what are you doing to the train?
We're getting it ready for the jamboree.
That's what you wanted, wasn't it?
Well, uh I declare,
you brought in a whole repair crew.
Yeah, well, you never saw a crew like this before.
Oh, th-the-they, they look very ex-experienced.
Dillon, this is Mrs. Bradley,
the little lady I told you about.
Kate, I want you to meet General Frank Newton.
Howdy-do, ma'am?
General?
Retired, ma'am.
Yes, all he does now is serve as the chairman of the board
of the Michigan and Southwest Railroad.
Goodness.
And this is George Previs.
He's president of Worldwide Airways.
Ma'am. Newt, let me have the wrench.
And the fellow up in the baggage car is Dave LaSalle.
Hey, Dave!
He's president of Intercontinental Telephone.
Well, they're certainly a mighty distinguished group.
Kate, the boys have come a long way,
and, well, they're working pretty hard
I don't suppose you could scare up a little Food.
Yeah. Well, of course I can.
Just give me 15 minutes and then, uh,
bring your group up to the dining room.
Oh, bless you.
Okay, go ahead.
Hello. Peterson?
Peterson? Frank Newton.
Now listen.
I want the throttle lever off the Emma Sweeney.
That's the wood burner in the north wing.
Right.
Mighty handy having
your own railroad museum, isn't it?
Dave, call my office. I'll have a plane pick it up.
What good'll that do? You can't land a jet around here.
They still make parachutes.
They can drop it right down the smokestack.
Hey, Peterson. Peterson.
Put that throttle lever in a metal drop crate
and rush it out to the airport.
Worldwide Airlines will pick it up.
Dave, uh, get me my office, will ya?
Uh, just a minute, Norman.
Dave, put me through to my office first.
Okay.
Operator.
Connect me with the main office
of Worldwide Airlines.
And don't give me that busy circuit routine.
You can clear it through Chicago, Denver or New Orleans.
It doesn't matter, but put it through.
My own company and I can't get a line.
They're all just like Norman.
Nuttier than fruitcakes.
By the way, Frank,
did you take advantage of the market tip I gave you
on Western Mining?
Yeah. Bought 10,000 shares.
Dropped six points in a week.
Don't blame me.
I got the tip from my secretary.
You've just got the wrong girl.
Mine steered me into General Products
and I made almost a quarter of a million in three weeks.
Now that's a secretary.
Not only that, she's learning to type.
With all your money, what are you gonna do
with another quarter million?
I think I'll buy a locomotive
like the Hooterville Cannonball.
Put it in the backyard and work on it weekends.
I haven't had so much fun in years.
How about it, Norman?
Do you want to sell the Hooterville Cannonball?
Sorry, boys. She's not for sale.
A squirrel would have a feast in there.
Kate. Kate. We gotta get them hoboes outta here
as quick as we can.
They're plumb, raving loony.
You oughta hear 'em talking about the money they got.
Oh, Uncle Joe, when men are down on their luck,
they're bound to exaggerate a little.
It makes them feel better.
Yeah, well, come listen to the guff they're spouting.
It's plumb crazy.
Norman, this is magnificent.
Why, it's even better than we used to get
at the Officer's Club.
Well, I wouldn't know about that, General.
I was an enlisted man myself.
I've eaten all over the world
France, Italy, the Orient, the finest ocean liners,
but this is the best, the most delicious food
I've ever eaten.
No wonder you're so fond of this place, Norman.
Well, it isn't only the food.
There's also Kate.
I - see what you mean.
I don't blame you.
Mighty attractive woman.
Ohh now.
I don't think they're talking so crazy.
Hey, we got it!
Old Lon Harker came through.
Just like new!
Oh, that's wonderful, boys.
Take her down and put her right on.
Oh, please, Kate, feed us first.
We're starving.
I'll clear out all the freeloaders.
Hurry up, fellows.
Now, they'll be through here with our
Oh, no!
Mr. Curtis, what have you got against our train?
That was a beautiful drop.
With that wind drift, it oughta land right in our lap.
When I run an airline, I run an airline.
Look, Mom, it's falling right down by the tracks.
I wonder what it could be.
Well, whatever it is it's for them.
They're running after it.
Kate, I was wrong about those men.
And I'm big enough to admit it.
They ain't hoboes.
They're spies.
By golly, Norman, I believe she's as good as ever!
She's better than ever.
We fixed things on there
you didn't even know about.
Sure.
They've been riding the rails so long,
they're experts.
Let it roll, boys.
We're gonna have a jamboree after all.
Welcome to Shady Rest.
How are you, Oscar?
What do you mean,
I could use Phoebe for my secretary?
Well, she'll give you some real hot tips
on the market. Oh.
Listen.
Phoebe, what'll General Products Common do
on the market next week?
Going up.
Hello, Lynnie.
Nettie, come on over. Well, hello.
Welcome to Shady Rest. Hello.
Welcome to Shady Rest.
Oh, Uncle Joe, this is gonna be the best jamboree yet.
And I didn't even think it was gonna come off.
Me neither.
Boy, what a jinx that Nutty Norman turned out to be.
What do you mean?
Why, he was responsible for fixing the train.
Well, that's the least he could have done.
Nothing ever happened to it until he came.
I tell you, Kate, the man's a jinx.
I thought you said he was a spy.
Well, that's the worst kind.
Oh, Uncle Joe.
Hi, Charley. Hi, Charley!
Hello, Floyd.
What happened to your hand?
Firebox door bit me.
Darn thing ain't worked in 20 years
and them fellas had to come along and put a spring.
Huh!
But-but Floyd's the only one can double on fiddle.
Oh, how can you have a jamboree
without a fiddler? That's easy.
You don't. Sorry, folks.
Like I said, Kate, that fella's a jinx.
Watch it, Joe, here he comes.
Yeah, let's go, Kate.
The boys haven't been to a jamboree in years.
They're champing at the bit.
Well, they're not gonna need a harness tonight.
What do you mean?
You had to go fix the firebox door.
Yeah, you wrecked his fiddling hand that's what you did.
Now let's see you fix that.
Well, that's the easiest thing in the world.
Come on, Floyd. Ow!
Yeah, he'll fix it all right.
He'll probably wreck the other hand.
The jinx.
♪
We sure would have been in a terrible fix
if it hadn't been for Norman Curtis.
Don't you think it's about time
you admitted you were wrong?
Oh, I guess so.
But how was I to know he could play the fiddle?
Ms. Bradley, may I have the honor of this dance?
With pleasure, General.
General.
Come on, Joe.
Don't be a wallflower.
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