Piglets (2024) s01e04 Episode Script

Step away from the
vehicle. Piss off.
I'm asking you nicely,
step away from the vehicle.
Yeah? Says who?
I'm an off-duty police
officer. Bullshit.
Well, I'm an off-duty student
officer undergoing police training,
but I have the power
to render you immobile,
so step away from the
vehicle now, please. No way.
My dad's away for
two days, Humza.
Yeah, and he told me not to
let you near the big car,
so you can forget it.
So you get to drive it, and you're
younger than me. I hate you.
I hate you, and I hate your
brothers, and I hate Dad.
Well, that's hate speech.
Oh, I'm gonna call
the police. HE LAUGHS
Prick.
Yeah? Ooh, Bob, sir.
I've got an email for you from
HQ about curriculum updates.
Lovely, ping it
over to me. Ping!
And then a text from Amazon that
your delivery is slightly delayed
but it should be with
you on Thursday. Ping!
Actually, Melanie, I'm
gonna stop you there,
because a phone text alert
really isn't a ping
so much as a "ploof".
Ploof. It's just "ploof".
Ploof.
PHONE TEXT ALER
Yeah, like that.
Hm. "Hi, Dad. Phone's
broken, urgently need money."
"Please transfer £10,000
to my friend's account."
Oh, my God.
Pretty sure you haven't got any
kids, Bob. Oh. What a relief!
And, anyway, they don't really
count until Melanie prints them out.
And one last one.
"ID of recruit infiltrator will
increase chances of promotion."
Ploof! No - ploof. No,
it's an email. Ping!
Thank you. You know what
this means, don't you?
Y No.
Whoever's first to pluck
the stinking pair of pants
from the bottom of
the linen basket
takes prime position at the
top of the laundry pile.
Ping, Bob. Ping. Ping.
SHE LAUGHS Ping.
Bet your arse, ping.
Wow, you's like a
shopkeeper, Geeta.
Who you calling a shopkeeper,
Paul? That's a can of worms.
What, they all got worms in 'em?
No, it's a energy drink, Paul.
Nitin, my eldest, got influenced
by a transgender lady off TikTok.
He's bought like a
hundred of 'em. A hundred?
That's loads, that's like
hundreds.
And I'm not being funny, yeah,
but there's loads of perfectly nice
transgender girls at his school,
so why does he have to
support one off the internet
who's already a millionaire?
So, what, it gives
you, like, energy?
Ah, is this how you're gonna
get through the bleep test?
I'm gonna smash
the shit out of it.
Can I borrow some? Borrow?
Well, have. Knock yourself out,
there's like 76 of them at home.
Paul? Nah, you're
all right, Geeta.
I've got an energy allergy.
Here we go! BLEEP
All right, lovely,
lovely. Move!
I see you, Simon.
I just wanted to say,
yeah, about last night?
Well done. You know?
You got the job done,
that's the main thing.
Got the job done? Yeah.
You know, now I'm 100%
non-virgin, no grey areas.
OK. Do you want me to
sign a certificate?
OK, next group, please!
Oh, that's my go. So, er
Thanks for sex.
Oh, my pleasure.
You OK, Chabra? Yeah,
just feel a bit sick, sir.
You been talking to Leggo?
That does it for me.
It's OK, yeah, I don't expect
any of you to match my UK record.
HE CHUCKLES
You did really well, Geeta.
Don't patronise me, Afia.
We all know you got ten.
OK, wow. Who pissed on
your paratha? Keep going!
Sorry, I'm just
Perseverance!
I'm in a bit of a funny mood.
It's like
I wanna bite someone's face
off, but I also wanna eat mud.
It's almost as if
You've got rabies.
No, those are classic
pregnancy symptoms.
It can't be that. I mean, I don't
even know how that could happen.
Well, that's a great big lie
cos you've got about 20 kids.
Shut your fat
mouth for once, OK?
She better have a hormonal excuse,
talking to me like that. Keep going!
Although she's probably too old
to get pregnant, to be fair. Yeah.
"She" is 42. Yeah, but old people
don't have much sex, do they?
Mm. I'm 42.
And I don't want
any more babies, OK?
This isn't babies time,
this is Geeta time.
OK, calm down. You said it
yourself, it couldn't happen.
You're right, there's no
way I could be pregnant.
SHE RETCHES
Ugh
Oh, what a shame, that
was such a nice bag.
Ah, you two. A short
progress report report.
Huggins, you have the mental and
physical scores of an unborn child.
Oh, cool. Or even
that of a lazy sperm.
Are you a lazy sperm? No, sir.
Yours are even worse. Thank
you very much. I do try.
You are dangerously close to
finding yourself in aisle six.
The yellow sticker food aisle,
damaged food, discontinued food,
sell-by-date imminent,
shelf life nil.
Am I making myself clear?
No. You are this close
to being thrown out.
Ah, finally! Not you.
But we're getting
the same scores.
I'm just as useless. Oh, dear.
Life just isn't fair, is it?
SHE MOCK-CRIES
Isn't she lovely? Not really.
Hm
Ah, Huggins!
Question for you. Me?
What might an
unconscious bias be?
OK, yeah, erm so, it's like
when you're not being fair
when you're asleep.
You're not asleep, Huggins,
you're just unaware.
Oh, he's doing his best, sir.
As we all are. We all are.
Should we not be discussing the
central issues in this module, sir?
Shouldn't you be telling us
about protected characteristics?
Yes, very good, and they are?
Race. Race.
Religion, sex, sexual orientation,
disabilities, it's right there.
Yes, let's boof.
Boof, thank you.
Er, yes, they're They're
those They are tho
There they are. There. Mm.
Any more, from anyone? Age.
Ah-ha-ha. I knew
you'd get that one.
CLASS GROANS No,
no, not because
No, there's no reason.
I didn't notice whether she's
older than anybody else,
or indeed younger.
I am older. Just to be clear.
Pfft. Pfft.
Don't care. Not
bothered. And, er
Unconscious biases,
there are some more.
Er, pregnancy,
marriage-slash-civil partnership.
A bias against pregnancy?
Is that a thing?
Prejudices come in all kinds
of weird shapes and sizes.
Just like pregnancy.
Very insightful. I think CID
is the place for you, sir.
Thank you very much, yes.
Something that, erm
Oh!
Hello, darlin'.
Hey, mate. Can't say that.
What? I can't say hello now?
You can say "hello", but
you can't say "darlin' ".
Especially like
that. Oh, yeah?
Mm-hm. And who's
gonna stop me?
Mr Wokey Cokey? Well
He is. Nothing to do with me.
Oh. Thank you, Mike.
Well, it isn't.
I'm gonna nail you, my son.
Because do you know what
really gets on my tits?
Is it nipple clamps?
Neapolitanism.
Do you mean nepotism?
Cos if you do, I'm
telling Mummy and Daddy.
Oh, just leave him alone.
Oh, you what, love?
Do not call me love and do
not assault a student officer,
because I will report you
to the superintendent,
and not the idiot one.
As much as I want you to, it's
not worth slapping him, Daz.
Bang goes your probation, you'll
never get back on the streets.
Oh, that's the only reason
not worth slapping him?
Oh, yeah, and cos
slapping's "bad".
Ooh.
What did we do?
What? I can slap you.
I'm OK.
KNOCK ON DOOR Come in!
Oh, I already have.
Shall I, erm?
Oh, erm HE CLICKS TONGUE
No. No, it's fine.
It's fine, yeah.
So, what can I diddle you for?
Oh, erm, Superintendent Spry
has asked if you could take over
the Just and Unjust Use of
Powers workshop with B group?
What? I've I've only just
And she's added More?
"And better go in there yourself to
make sure he doesn't shit it up."
HE SIGHS
Right, right, er
Is there a script?
Shall I just Google "just and unjust
use of powers" and print that off?
Would you, Melanie? Thank
you. Yes. Go Google!
Back in a jiffy.
Sir.
Improvise. Adapt.
Grapple. Throw.
HE YELLS
Go.
No, you can't throw me.
You're not that
heavy, are you? No.
You're what, maybe 5,000, 6,000kg?
I'm not a fucking elephant.
Sorry, I'm just really bad at
guessing weights. And ages.
I mean you're, what,
60 years old? I'm 42.
Oh, is that why I can't throw you?
Brittle bones. My nan has that.
And how old is she? 42.
Your nan is not 42. She looks
about the same age as you.
Yeah. No, you can't throw me.
Cos I might be pregnant.
Oh, my God, are you telling
me because I'm the father?
Have we had sex? No.
Well, then, you can't be the
father, can you? Chabra! Grapple.
Well, no, I've been accused of
being a father before. By a woman.
Turned out she weren't pregnant,
she just caught the menopause.
Similar symptoms.
Yeah, so I believe.
Plus, we had bottom sex.
Has to be fanny for a baby.
OK, thank you, Dr Ranj.
What are you two schoolgirls
yacking about over there? Throw her!
Quick, I'm gonna lie down,
pretend you threw me.
Yes!
I threw her, sir. Nice
one! How did you do that?
Oh, you know, I just
kind of tossed her up in
the air, about 50ft, 60ft.
He's not great
with numbers, sir.
OK, so now I'm positive.
That you're not pregnant?
That I am pregnant. Oh, no.
You don't see that
as a positive?
No, I see it as a
great big fat negative.
Just look on the bright side.
There is no bright side.
I know, I'm just
trying to be positive.
Can you stop saying "positive"?
What you gonna do with it?
I dunno, take it to the park, make
things out of toilet roll tubes.
No, I mean keep it
or just flush it?
Steph! What? I didn't
I'm gonna take the only
option available to me,
which is to ruin my police
career before it even started.
Yeah. Cruelly cut short.
Nipped in the bud.
Suffocated at birth. Is this
you being positive again?
Nah, I'm just trying
to agree with you.
Oh, well, don't.
It's depressing.
No, it's not. Yes, it is.
I was trying to disagree with
you in case that's any better.
Well, it's not!
All right? God.
You know, I liked you better
when you weren't pregnant.
Me too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Come.
I think Steph's
avoiding me. Yeah?
Claims she was going to the loo,
but she's been in there for ages.
Yeah, but ladies take
longer, though, innit?
You know, cos they can't whip it
out and then whip it back in again.
I mean, time-wise, Dev,
you've gotta compare it to us
having, like, a medium poo.
No, not like me and you together,
just, like, blokes in general.
STEPH SIGHS
My God, two weeks into
the course and pregnant.
What a nightmare.
Yeah. Gutted.
HE GASPS
They ain't best pleased.
What do you mean?
You deep-fried the flash drive.
And now word is you're going
to get thrown out of here.
You're a liability.
What, am I gonna be OK?
Please say yes. No.
Oh. I mean, depends whether
Roger the Scrote is full of shit.
But you won't know until the
tide comes in at about four.
But if he's not, you'll be hopping
around like a frog on a hot plate
until someone tells you
who knows what and when.
Either way, Roger the Scrote
says when the prune gets binned,
someone's gonna have
their eyes eaten by crabs.
Oh, Jesus. Speaking of which,
we've got a quite nice crab linguine
cacio e pepe this afternoon.
Want me to put some aside?
No, you're all right,
I've got No?
Well, no
Hi, Melanie. Can I just?
Oh, it's fine, don't
knock or anything.
It's not like I could've
been naked in here.
Could you have
been naked in here?
Yes. Right.
Well, I'm just wondering what
the procedure was if I was, er
I was pregnant? Oh, gosh!
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
Oh, I'm sorry, is this a
difficult conversation for you?
Oh, no, no, it's just paperwork,
it's more paperwork, that's all.
Right, so I wouldn't have to leave?
Oh, no, no, you could stay here.
It's fine. And then if you pass,
you could delay your start as an
actual officer, and that's fine.
Most stations have a creche
now, so Ah, really?
No, obviously!
Well, good to know the service
is supportive of working mothers.
"The service, the service"
It's ME that has to jump
through all of the hoops.
Take these forms.
Are these all for pregnancy?
Some of them are bound to be.
SHE SIGHS
STRAINED VOICE: Don't have it.
What? Nothing!
I don't see what the problem is.
She could just take a year off.
No, it's different for
older women, innit?
Like, what's one year for us is like
five for them. It's like dog years.
Oh, my God. No, I'm
just saying, like
Geeta takes too much time off,
when she comes back, we're
all flying about in jet packs
and half the criminals
are holograms.
She's gonna have to retake
all the training modules.
I want you to do a training module
on how you think time works.
Good afternoon.
Thank you, Melanie.
HE CLEARS THROA
"With great power comes
great responsibility.
"Spider-Man
"Sp
"Spider-Man knew this,
"because his Uncle Ben
told him as he lay dying,"
"shot by a mugger that Spider-Man
had let go earlier that very day."
Well, this is awful.
Actually, it could've been
Aunt May who said that
as she lay mortally wounded
by the Green Goblin.
Your Aunt May?
Spider-Man's Aunt May.
Although it depends which one.
Wh-Which Aunt May?
Which Spider-Man.
HE WHEEZES
What? There's more
than one Spider-Man?
Well, actually, sir, there's
a Well, there's loads of them.
What? Yeah.
HE SCOFFS
Yes! Yes!
So, so, let me get this right,
th-the Green Goblin who
killed Tom Holland's Aunt May
was originally in the
Tobey Maguire films. Yes.
And the Tobey Maguire Spider-Man
appears in No Way Home,
alongside the the
Tom Holland Spider-Man?
Yes, yes. And the Andrew
Garfield Spider-Man.
Well, what about the
the cartoon version?
Those are from the Spiderverse
films, which are separate.
But part of the same continuity.
Yes, but all together, it
makes up the multiverse.
CLASS CHEERS
I mean, just, that is
I mean just wow-ee-ow-wowee.
Doing that.
Doing, er, the power
and responsibility.
Actually, that does
about cover it. Yeah.
Well, go on, bugger off.
Don't wanna miss your
playtime or marching practice.
Pretty much the same thing.
Did you, erm Did you
know about the multiverse?
Yes, yes, I know about
the, er, multiverse, Bob.
I did a special course.
There's a course?
No. No, there isn't.
I'm fucking with you.
Oh, you've a, erm What?
Nothing.
Hey. Steph.
Can I pull you for a
chat? Yeah. Go on, then.
Nah, we need to meet somewhere.
Why can't we just talk here?
Cos I wouldn't be
pulling you for a chat,
I'd be joining you
for a chat. And?
And that's not how they do
it on Love Island. Oh, right.
Shall we meet by the fire pit?
Oh, is there one? No. There
isn't a terrace either.
That bit out there?
OK, go on, then.
But come in, like,
five minutes. Yeah?
So the other Islanders
don't get suspicious.
There you are.
Whoa, mate, you know if you
cram too much into your brain,
you know it can explode?
That's an old wives'
tale, actually.
I'm a lazy sperm.
Oh, come on, Paul. It's
a term of endearment.
I'm done, mate, I'm
gonna be out on my elbow.
Arse. No, it's true.
You heard her, I'm
gonna get chucked out.
Yeah, and I'm not.
Shit for both of us.
Well, my shit is
bigger than your shit.
Well, it's not all
about size, Paul.
You got colour, you got
texture, you got float ability.
We shouldn't tell anyone this,
but I wanna be honest with
you, mate, about who I am.
Right, are you vice president
of a European Central Bank? No.
No, course I'm not. Why
would you think that?
I dunno, just Maybe
something about your haircut.
Oh.
The thing is, Leggo
I'm too scared to be a policeman,
and I'm too scared to be
a criminal.
HE CHUCKLES
Well, you know, it's not
one or the other, mate.
Look, there's loads
of jobs in between.
You've got forklift
driver. Hairdresser, nurse.
Right, you want
my opinion? Mm.
You'll make a good cop.
I don't wanna be a cop, I don't
wanna do any of this shit.
Yeah, well, me neither.
I guess having you here sort
of makes it a bit better.
Ow. Thank you, mate.
What do you want? Mm?
We're Deph. What?
Dev and Steph, Deph.
Or Steph and Dev, Stev.
Probably better. And we can't
forget, there's three of us now.
Yeah? Our creation.
What's happening?
Hey there, little
guy. Little Dev.
Davina. Davina McCall.
My little baby girl-slash-boy. Oh,
what are you doing? Get off me.
What? I'm stepping up,
man. This is my moment.
I'm gonna stand by
you and the baby.
I'm not pregnant,
for fuck's sake.
But outside the toilet,
you said that
That Geeta's having
a baby. What?
Like a surrogate? Oh, my God.
OK. All right, in a language
you're gonna understand Yeah?
I'm gonna recouple and I'm
pieing you off and it is what it is.
It is what it is? Yes.
It is what it is?
IMITATES SPIDER-MAN
God, I am pooped. Ugh.
No, not "I've pooped", I
am pooped. Oh, right, OK.
You should have the stuff Dev and
Geeta have been knocking back.
Here, knock yourself out.
Nitin's ordered another 500.
Will it help me cope
with Dev's insanity?
Nothing's that powerful. Nice
if you could actually read it.
It's all in gibberish. I
did two years of Cantonese.
Was that before or after you
designed the Large Hadron Collider?
OK. It says you should only
drink one can a week. One?
And keep away from
naked People?
Oh, no, it's actually
flames. Oh, OK.
Erm The name
translates as Slim Tool.
Slim Tool? Yeah, they named a
drink after you. How cool is that?
Well, actually, that
is my porn name. Erm
Diet-aid drink contains HCG.
Oh, my God, Geeta.
SHE SPEAKS CANTONESE
Come again? SHE REPEATS WORD
That's a pregnancy hormone.
OK, I never thought
I'd say this, but
I need Dev right now.
Have you got the spare
test? Oh, erm, yes.
Good luck. Oi, you lot.
Have you seen Dev anywhere?
Erm, look, you know how yesterday,
I called you basic and desperate?
Did you? Well, maybe,
but I dunno, didn't
I don't care. Doesn't bother
me at all. I don't care.
Well, I think it did, erm
So, I wanna say that I'm sorry.
It was unfair.
All right, well
I'm also sorry for calling you an
annoying little fucking dickhead.
HE SCOFFS
OK, you didn't
say that, did you?
Really? Maybe I didn't
say it out loud.
Well, in that case, I am
sorry for thinking it.
Mm. Well, apology accepted.
Slim Tool? Mm.
I'm gonna catch this
bastard gate-crasher,
and I'm gonna throw them out
on their cocky little arse.
That's the spirit.
Actually, no. Bosoms,
I was gonna do that.
Jesus, Bob.
You don't stand a
cat in hell's chance
of taking over from Cunningham.
I think you'll find this old
cat will do rather well in hell.
Mm, putting yourself
in the firing line,
just when old white men are
nobody's favourite demographic.
I don't wanna alarm you, Bob,
but they will be asking
what you have to offer.
I think you'll find I've
Commendation. I've got
I've got accommodation.
Commendation. Commendation.
So do I.
Don't know if I ever mentioned
it. Yes, you have mentioned it.
It involved a, er, crack
den fire, and then a rescue.
Yes, mine was also rescue-based,
but it involved a freezing river.
What did you
rescue, Bob? Babies.
Ooh! Two babies.
14 months apart.
They did say I would've got
a promotion there and then,
had they been twins
But, you know, gotta work
with what you're given, so
What did you rescue, Julie?
A dog. But the ceremony
was a really big deal,
and though the dog was
the guest of honour,
I was very much the
centre of attention.
And what happened
after the ceremony?
I ran over the dog. Oh
Which is exactly
the kind of thing
I will be allowed to
do on a regular basis
once I am Chief Superintendent.
Well done, me. Mm.
Did you tell him why he
has to pee on the stick?
No, I didn't wanna
blind him with science.
Wouldn't take much, to be fair.
DEV: Oh, fuck!
Look, Geeta, look.
SHE GASPS It's positive.
Yay! Oh, get in.
Stop celebrating.
We're both pregnant.
And I can't have a baby.
No, you really can't.
I can't believe
there's even a chance
they might put you on the
streets. In my condition!
Dev, you're not pregnant.
I hope not, man,
I'm so stressed.
I mean, I've only done it once.
How fucking unlucky would that be?
Look! Get it away.
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