Santa Inc. (2021) s01e04 Episode Script

You were like a father to me ♪
Because you were my dad ♪
Ever since your tragic death ♪
My heart it hurts real bad ♪
Our dicks were identical ♪
The veins,
the shaft, the girth ♪
Our junk separated at birth ♪
Father son schlong,
father son dong ♪
-Catchin' up on some porn, huh?
-Uh, that's right, boss.
Just porning it up
at the office.
Well, if you need
to finish, you know,
flickin' it, or, uh,
whatever you're
doin' down there,
you know, just
slappin' your flaps,
-I can duck out.
Just let me know.
-Oh god, stop.
I was actually
just watching
a dumb music video
my brother made
for the anniversary
of our dad's death.
Your dad would be so
proud of you, Candy.
Acting number two
at Santa Inc.,
you're a guest
of Santa at his
South Pole Villa
this weekend,
-you're a very snappy dresser--
-Back it up, back it up
to the South Pole Villa part.
Oh, I want you to come there
with me and the Board.
I'm doin' trips
with all the top
Successor contenders.
We did a wine tasting last
weekend with Timmy the Toy Guy.
What can I say?
He was a fun hang.
He's pullin' toys out
all the fuckin' time.
-It's just inherently fun.
-Oh, I'm so happy for Timmy,
the totally uninteresting
white male choice
that will do nothing
for this company.
You know what it could be,
is a good chance
for you to wipe away
the memory of your
State of the Workshop
hell speech.
I mean, "hell speech"
is probably too harsh.
Uh, "Nightmare speech"?
"Apocalypse speech"?
You know,
all those sound worse.
-Are ya in?
-Fuck yes! Wow.
Be a fun hang,
like Timmy.
You know, be yourself,
but the most Timmy
version of yourself.
I assumed you knew
I was infamously
one of the most fun
people who's ever existed.
Mm-hm, yeah, sure.
If you say so.
Even penguins
think I'm funny.
And you know
what a tough crowd
those miserable
motherfuckers are.
(joyful music playing)
(horn honks)
-Candy: I'm fun, right?
-Goldie: Of course.
Why would I, a woman,
whose motto is,
"I live for dick,"
have a best friend who sucked?
Your impressions make
everyone so happy.
Remember in high school
when you crank called
your mother
and pretended
to be Tom Selleck?
"I would love to devour
your hot bod, Mrs. Smalls."
"Let Magnum whisk
you away to Hawaii."
You guys are right.
I rule.
I just hope that
Santa and the Board
see in me what you see.
Would you guys wanna come?
Santa said I could bring guests.
-South Pole, here we come!
-(all cheering)
What the fuck,
Cookie?
I have to babysit
while you go
on vacation?
You don't babysit
your own child, asshole!
And if you
deny me this,
the next time
your body will be
touched by my hands
is when I shove
you down the stairs
-to get your life insurance.
-Take all the time ya need.
I'll be here,
babysitting, ehh,
with the kid, eh,
come back when y--
Bye voyage.
Devin:
Let's go over what we know:
Santa and the Board are
all male and all white.
Their average age is 67
because they're all 67.
They play golf,
drink, smoke cigars,
say things like, "deregulation,"
and "quarterly earnings,"
and "don't ever
marry your mistress."
Oh, I know how to play golf.
I, I played with
my dad all the time.
I'm actually pretty good.
What I need to learn is how
to bro out with these guys.
You know,
shoot the shit,
do shots,
shoot shots of shit, whatever.
Oh, you've come
to the right guy.
The Board are exactly
like my frat bros,
except they pop Viagra
instead of Adderall.
Now we have 48 hours
of cramming to do.
Let's go over that
dirty joke again.
A cucumber, a pickle,
and a penis sit at a bar.
(motivational music playing)
♪
(razor buzzing)
Look at me.
I look hot enough
to melt the polar ice caps.
Billions would perish,
but I don't care
'cause I look great
in a bathing suit.
What's wrong?
You love it when I pretend
I'm not an old bag of shit.
I am feeling
a little down lately.
This morning,
I put an English muffin
in our toaster,
and I just stared
at the toaster until
the English muffin
popped back up.
Have you ever done that?
Just stared.
Is it gonna do what
it always does?
And then, it does.
I guess it's a relief.
You're the most
beautiful Mrs. Claus
since the beginning of time.
This vacation is
going to be great.
All I want is
to see if Candy
can hold her own,
and to fuck my lady
in our new jacuzzi
with the underwater TVs.
(sighs)
I wonder what
the toaster's up to.
Candy:
Gone for the weekend, suckers.
Don't miss me too much,
and don't--
Oh, would you look
at this, Candy.
Isn't it beautiful?
My retirement plan.
A betting pool to decide
the future Successor.
Ha, ha, yes.
Grandpa is a genius.
We Smalls are
gonna make it rain
in this bitch!
This is very illegal.
You could go
to jail for this.
What?
At least I'd get three hots
and a cot in the clink.
My miner's pension is
a hundred bucks a month
and a sock full of coal.
Oh my god,
that is so bad.
But when I'm Successor,
I can change things.
Okay, let's see
how I'm doing.
The bottom?! This is fucked!
I'm better than
Male Human Shit!
You'll see!
You'll all see!
(ship horn blows)
Holy motherfuckin' ship.
Yep, Santa's private yacht.
The "Twelve Twenty-Six."
Built a hundred years ago
entirely by Elf labor.
Get ready to set sail on
my Great-Grandpa's sweat.
This is so fun!
I "forgot"
my wedding ring
at home,
so, technically, I am
back on the market!
Cruisin' into some D!
Ding-Ding! Dicks ahoy!
Hey!
I wanted to
wish you luck.
Good tidings,
Mademoiselle Goldie.
Uh, would you do me
the honor of going on
a petite date with me
when you're back
from this
little journey?
I'm not looking
for any more rando
hook-ups, okay?
I need a real adult
with a career.
Not some college
slob with a boner
in his cargo shorts.
Ah, I'm sorry.
Captain:
Get ready for an adventure
unlike anything
ya ever experienced.
Unless ya done
Molly and Oxy together,
which I just did.
And I should not be operating
heavy machinery right now,
but fuck it!
All aboard!
(drill whirring)
-Candy: What?
-Cookie/Goldie: Huh?
All:
Ooh! Wow!
Candy:
Men of the Board,
after that wild ride,
let me give you a little sorbet
to cleanse the palate.
My personal, very own
impression of Santa.
"Did I tell you I chose
the first Black Successor?
If you forget,
I'll remind you until you die."
-(all laughing)
-You sound exactly like him.
(beat music plays)
-What's he doin' here?
-What the fuck? Is he crashing?
He's crashing.
I'm here not to vacation,
but to recover from surgery.
(grunts)
I gave my Grandma
half of my liver.
It was very painful,
but ah, ah
it was worth it.
So giving,
or dare I say,
Me-esque.
Come stay with us
for the weekend.
No more talking!
I insist. You're coming.
Why are you crashing?
You get your own event.
I'm workin' my way up
the list of contenders,
bottom to top.
Bang, bang, bang.
And you're first,
so prepare for Hell,
'cause I'm
startin' Smalls.
Pun intended.
Goldie:
I'm gonna marry
this fucking waffle
whether it's legal
or not because
(sings)
Our love is real ♪
I slept through all
the dumb-ass texts
Craig sent me.
"I don't see the milk.
"I'm lying in bed
with my eyes closed,
"but I still
don't see the milk.
"Good news!
Opened my eyes,
"went into the kitchen
and opened the fridge.
There was the milk."
-Hey!
-Cookie: You look
like the bride
at a lesbian
Leprechaun wedding.
This is what these old guys
wear on the golf course.
I need to fit in.
If they're gonna
swing their dicks,
I have to swing my vag.
Leave Candy alone.
She's got that freak
Junior on her ass.
I'm gonna bro these
guys' brains out,
I'm gonna golf
their cocks off,
then we'll all get wasted
at the steakhouse tonight
where I'm ordering
the Japanese beef,
and then, you know
what I'm gonna do?
I'm sendin' it back
for being overdone,
even if it isn't,
because that is what
a future Successor does.
Peace!
Isn't it weird
havin' a girl
on a guys' trip?
Not bad weird.
Just like,
bad not as good.
Is it "bad" that
I feel like slamming
this entire BM right now?
Look at her toss that
celery to the side!
She's not eatin'
that shit!
She's one of the boys!
She knows it's garnish!
Technically, the penis
and the clitoris develop
from the same organ,
so I guess I am
one of the boys.
Or maybe you're all one
of the girls! Heyo!
(laughing)
Good one,
Candy.
Who cares?
I gotta drain the hog.
-I hear that shit.
-Dick full of piss
ready to blow, huh?
Candy:
Same, my bros.
Vag full of piss,
ready to blow.
Is there a, um, is there
a r-restroom nearby?
Ah, I can hold it!
Candy, don't be silly.
Find a restroom.
-It's important. It's pee.
-Candy, let the number one
reindeer help you
take a number one.
-(horn honks)
-My caddy can drive you.
Oh, okay, but my Katrina,
she is such a sweetheart.
She asked me,
"Grandma, why can't every
day be Grandma Day?"
-Now is that some real
cutie-pie shit or what?
-(all laughing)
(awkward laughs)
Uh, so cute, yes.
If I ever get that boring,
smother me in my sleep.
But make sure to tweeze
my facial hair after
in case I have an open coffin.
We should save Mrs. Claus
from her boring-ass friends.
Ladies, sorry
to interrupt.
The concierge
inside has a package
from the North Pole,
and they don't know
who it's for.
It's just addressed to
"The World's
Greatest Grandma."
Move it or lose it,
Carol!
I will cut you!
I swear, I'll murder
your grandchild!
Ow!
I wonder who
the package was for?
There was no package.
We just freed you
from the boring
nightmare women.
What? Those
annoying nightmares
are my closest
friends.
Nobody said
"annoying."
That was all you.
You're better
than them.
Let's go do
something fancy!
Whew, all peed out
and ready to rock.
Let's go!
-Whoops, wrong hole.
-Is that what you
tell your wife?
No, ma'am.
I tell her my truth,
which is that
anal rocks.
Cookie:
Mmm, oh my god, this is good.
The best kneading
I've had in years.
Mrs. Claus, you have
a knot the size of
a Christmas ornament!
What do you have
to be stressed about?
You're living the dream.
My life is kinda boring.
Schmoozing with dignitaries,
bullshitting with diplomats.
I guess I thought Nick
and I would be partners,
you know, change
Christmas for the better.
-Like Candy.
-Mrs. Claus: Exactly!
When I saw her speak
at the State of the Workshop,
it all clicked.
That's who I thought
I would be some day,
an agent of change,
but I'm just a wife.
-(laughs)
-Goldie: I get it.
I train like a dog every year,
and get treated like
a bitch on Christmas Eve.
It truly sucks shit.
Mmm, the tension
of dreams unrealized.
There is nothing like it.
We were here an hour ago!
You drove in a giant circle!
Welp, I guess
we're lost.
Let's just stay
in one place until
someone finds us.
-Fan of historical fiction?
-Are you fuckin' kidding me?
Shove over.
I'm driving.
-(all laughing)
-Candy: Ah sorry.
Got a little
turned around
at the 18th hole.
All:
Hole!
Okay, what am I missing?
Oh, nothing, just
the inside joke
that will bond us guys,
and not you, forever.
It's a really
funny, smart game
Junior made up.
We tweak each
other's balls
whenever someone
says "hole." Oh--
-Hole!
-Oh, I did it!
-Tweak, tweak, tweak.
-Hole!
-(laughing)
-That's another.
All:
Hole!
-Whoa!
-Dear Lord, I keep forgetting
that you're not a small boy!
-(all laughing)
-(Candy groans)
Candy:
Hello, friends.
My day sucked.
Junior won't
get off my dick,
and everyone
loves him so much.
He'll fuck up soon enough.
Ooh, call Junior a
(whispers):
caribou.
Reindeer freak out at that.
No, I still have Devin's
joke in my back pocket.
And I picked up
these to be safe.
The unholy alliance between
vaginas and bathrooms
shall shackle women's
progress no longer!
When do we
leave for dinner?
I need time
to iron my tail.
Yeah, there's some bad news.
The dinner tonight is bros only.
Well, bros and one ho, me.
Going along with
this sexist tradition?
It's against who you are.
I fucking have to!
Don't you get it?
Candy! You just
snapped at me.
This is important!
And you snap
at me all the time!
Because years ago
we all agreed that
I can dish it out,
but I can't take it.
Why is she not
honoring my hypocrisy?
I wish we could talk more,
but I need to
throw on my diaper,
and memorize
a grotesque sexist joke,
so I can save the world
for women everywhere!
I have to confess,
this whole trip,
it's making me
-miss Craig.
-That's gross and dark.
You're not even
the one who got
snapped at.
But it triggered me
all the same.
When Candy snapped,
it reminded me of when
I snap at Craig.
He never snaps back.
He just grumbles,
"crazy fuckin' bitch,"
and walks away.
It's so sweet!
(sighs)
I wonder what
he and Fun Size
are doing right now?
That was a fun day
in the sandbox.
Now, does Fun Size
wanna hear Daddy tell
a story before bed?
This was not the playdate
I was looking for, asshole.
Where the fuck is my baby?
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
-Hey, massage buds!
-Mrs. Claus!
-You goin' out on the town?
-Oh no, I'm headed back
from an early dinner
with the Carols.
-Wanna get a drink?
-I am horny for friendship.
Am I saying that right?
"Horny"? Can you guys
use that in a sentence?
(laughs)
Hop in!
(indistinct chatter)
What do you gotta do
to flag down a penguin
around here?
So, should I just,
uh, sit in the middle
of the table, or what?
My bad.
I told them five,
but it's six.
-Um, that's for a baby.
-It is?
I swear to God
I did not realize that.
I just thought it
was for a weak adult.
Waiter, can we
get an adult chair,
and 20 to 30 phone books
for the lady, please?
Just-- Stop yelling.
It's fine. I'll-- This is fine.
It's actually cool.
It's, uh, less like
a high chair for a baby,
and more like
a, a throne for a queen.
Yo, Candy?
You wearin' a diapee?
Uh, yeah, I'm wearing a diaper.
-(baby giggles)
-No, of course not.
-Say "night night" 'cause
you're about to go down, elf.
-We'll see.
Goldie:
Candy's snap was like
an alligator, Mrs. Claus.
Chomp, chomp, chomp.
I'll never forget it.
Neither will we!
You've been talking
about it for an hour.
I know you're upset, Goldie,
but Candy's trying
to make history.
And once she's
named Santa,
she'll have
more time for us.
(laughing)
More time?
All Nick has done for 45 years
since becoming
Successor is work!
He doesn't have
time to go to movies,
or have dinner alone with me,
let alone, you know,
go down on me.
Actually, it's been 20 years.
What?
How do you 69?
Well, we haven't
69'ed since '96.
I remember it was '96 because
it was the night Tupac died.
-So they say.
-Forget about all that now.
You're on vacation.
Let's take this party
to another level!
(dance music playing)
(crowd cheering)
Is this it?
Is this dancing?
I love it!
Santa:
Holy shit, it's me!
An artist
is among us!
Eh, just somethin'
I do with my bros
at home all the time.
You're like
a dickless
Michelangelo
of smoke ring
blowers!
Cardinal Stryker:
It's as beautiful as the ceiling
of the Sistine Chapel.
Suck on that, asshole.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
My men, watch this!
-(applause)
-(cheers)
You're a wizard
of the smoke!
(Candy coughs and laughs)
Candy:
Bros, bros!
I got an amazing
joke for you.
A dirty one.
It's gonna blow
your dicks off.
-Oh, I see Junior's
already heard it.
-(table laughing)
So, a pickle, a cucumber,
and a penis sit at a bar.
Girls!
It's getting late.
Why not keep
the party going,
Mrs. Claus?
-Hey, what is your first name?
-Ugh, I hate it.
My dad took it hard
when I was born
because he got
a third daughter,
so he named me
after himself
the son he
always wanted.
-Woo! Yes!
-You go, Leonard!
Who's a hot bitch?
-Leonard is!
-Woo-hoo!
Candy:
So, the penis says,
"What are you
complaining about--"
They constantly wrap me
in a plastic bag,
shove me in a cave,
and make me do push-ups
until I throw up!
(laughing)
That was my dirty joke!
You're a very
amusing woman,
but dirty jokes
sound better
coming from
a low voice.
And that's why
Vin Diesel
will always be funnier
than Lucille Ball.
(laughing)
Ugh, this is out of control.
The fact that the Board
of a giant company has
this sexist attitude
means we need
big changes
at Santa Inc.
Nick!
It's happening again.
You promised me
she wouldn't suck like
with that last speech.
I'm having PTSD
from the swag bag
I never got.
Me likey swag.
Me likey free
frozen yogurt
machine.
Candy, you promised
you wouldn't do this.
Pull it together
and be impressive.
Hey, look!
The tiramisu's in
the fuckin' house!
(cries)
Mrs. Claus:
Hello there.
Hey, Mrs. Claus.
It's weird
we built a whole
tropical villa here
when it's even colder
than the North Pole.
(laughs)
What a fucking
waste of money.
What's going on?
You look sad.
This night just showed me
my dream is a fucking joke.
I feel like I should
just spare myself
more humiliation,
and just call it a day.
No, you can't!
Before I married Santa,
I wanted to
"be the change I wished
to see in the world."
You know,
like Gandhi said.
I never was
because I gave up.
Don't do what I did.
Yeah, I get it.
Though I think that quote
has actually been
misattributed to Gandhi.
See?! That's why
you can't give up!
I misattribute quotes
to Gandhi! You don't!
And obviously,
there's a million other
amazing things about you,
but I'm so
fucking wasted.
Can you help me
up, up, up?
Yes, yes, of course.
Let's go.
Please don't
give up!
(intense music playing)
Ooh, too little.
Holy shit!
Nice one.
Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me.
Fuckin' fuck. Fuck.
Fuck my balls.
Got a four!
(laughs)
Oh, that is so cute.
(indistinct chatter)
(grunts)
♪
Santa:
Candy's the man!
(chanting):
Candy's the man!
Candy's the man!
Okay, okay.
A hole-in-one
from the ladies'
tee is easy,
but from back here,
that takes skill.
-Watch this.
-Aw, he's right, you guys.
Oh shit! He whacked that
tiny girl in the face!
Come on!
I didn't even touch her!
She'll never get
a husband now!
-Ow, ow, ah!
-Poor, fragile woman!
What if it was
my wife or daughter
or Virgin Mary?
Candy:
Don't go into the light, Candy!
Jesus Christ!
Candy?
Can you, can you,
can you get up?
I don't think so.
I'm even weaker than normal.
-Liar!
-You just whacked this
fuckin' woman in the head
with a golf club, dude.
We all saw it!
Stop lying
and apologize to her!
Do you know who I am?
Who my father is?
We are not liars.
-That little piece
of elf trash is the liar!
-(gasps)
I've spent this whole weekend
winnin' you assholes over,
then, suddenly,
it's all about Candy?
Her hole-in-one,
and then her other
hole-in-one!
Not to mention we just said
"hole" 50 different times,
and no one even
moved to ball tweak!
What happened
to our inside joke?!
Ball tweak, hole!
Ball tweak, ball tweak, hole!
Ball tweak, ball tweak.
Give me them balls!
Get 'em over here, line 'em up!
You are outta control, man.
This behavior
is fuckin' bullshit
for both a gentleman
and future Successor.
So, fuck you, stop it.
Grrr.
(Walrus groans)
Hole!
Man, it's hard
to watch Junior
come undone like that.
That was fucked up.
Chasing the Santa job
fucks with your head.
Let's just say that
I did some shit
I am not proud of.
Tell me. I need some gossip
to distract me from this pain.
It's like this, I was born fat.
Okay?
As a kid, an adult, always fat.
But top heavy, you know,
like, like a big gut,
but nothin' below really.
And, and I got hung up
about it, you know?
N-No kid wants to go
see Santa and tell them
what they want for Christmas
sitting on some bony-ass
fuckin' lap, right?
So, right before
being named Successor,
when the decision was
still up in the air
-I got lap implants.
-No shit!
Let me
test drive this bitch.
Woo! Ho-ho!
It's bouncy!
It's cozy!
You'd never know
it was fake.
Indestructible, too.
My lap used to look like
a dick and balls
just like resting
on a wire coat hanger.
It was fuckin' gross.
But now, everything is
pure silicone and titanium.
What can I say?
Goin' for the red suit
it'll make you
do strange things.
Yeah, I know.
Oh my god!
You set Junior up.
-Is that horrible?
-Yes!
You're playin'
the game, Candy.
I'm impressed.
I didn't know
you had it in ya.
Honestly, Santa,
neither did I.
Hey, I was
wondering something:
did you know anything
about what went on
with the Christmas
Spirit bars?
You know what? Forget it.
I, I didn't think you did.
(ship horn blows)
Look, you guys
haven't talked to me
since yesterday and I--
I just wanted to say
I'm really sorry
about this weekend.
You're doing
important shit.
We support you.
But never snap
again, okay?
It triggers me
to be very upset.
Got it.
Never again.
Hey, did I tell you?
The Board said I was
"just like one of the guys."
Isn't that cool?
I don't know.
Is it?
Yeah! I passed the test!
Then we're happy
for you, Candy.
Oh look!
There are my guys!
-Oh! I missed you!
-Really?
But are you
only being nice
because you cheated
and feel guilty?
'Cause I'm not being nice
because I fucked up
and lost the baby
or anything like that,
and like replaced the baby
with an old man or anything,
everything went
fucking fine.
I know you lost
Fun Size at the park.
What?
I have a hundred trackers
baked into that kid.
He was buried
in the sandbox
the whole time.
Craig, your wife
is one smart Cookie.
Hey, Grandpa.
What're you doing up?
I only sleep
when every woman
in the North Pole
has been sexually satisfied.
You know that.
Right, I forgot.
I guess I'm tired
from the jet lag.
It's the same time zone,
but drilling through the Earth
-can take it out of ya.
-I get it.
You's is risin' to the top.
(joyful music playing)
(heavy metal music playing)
You were like
a father to me ♪
Because you were my dad ♪
Ever since
your tragic death ♪
My heart it hurts real bad ♪
Our dicks were identical ♪
The veins,
the shaft, the girth ♪
Our junk separated at birth ♪
Father son schlong,
father son dong ♪
Father son schlong,
father son dong ♪
Whenever I jerk it,
I'll sing you this song ♪
♪