Strip Law (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[intriguing music playing]
[Sheila] Victory ice cream, baby!
Our tenth win in a row.
Irene, I woulda got you one,
but they didn't have any Tim Burton-ass
flavors, just regular good ones.
Just kidding.
They did have Tim Burton-ass flavors.
Ooh! Blood orange and witch hazel?
What are we celebrating?
We're on a hot streak.
-Our formula is unbeatable.
-Formula?
Yeah, you know, lawyer, magician.
I say fancy words, wear a suit.
And then I do some Black Girl Magic,
a term I just now coined.
I swear, it works so good,
we basically don't even
have to try anymore.
Hold it now, and watch the hoodwink.
As I make you stop, think.
-Hup, hup…
-[people gasping]
Hah! Ta-da!
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman.
[cheering and laughter]
-We're crushing it so hard!
-[phone buzzes]
-Nothing can mess up
-Uncle Lincoln?
Shush, Irene. I was saying,
nothing can mess up this streak we're on.
Good people of Las Vegas, I, Judge Bowman,
am retiring at the end of this week.
But before I go,
I plan to break the world's record
for most cases presided over by a judge.
This feels great. I want more.
What's the record for staring at the sun?
I'm goin' for it!
[scattered applause]
He moved up all your cases to this week
and insists you speed through them
so he can get his record.
What? We have, like, 20 cases with him.
That's impossible.
Relax, it's nothin'
the formula can't handle.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
[door opens]
[slurring] Hey, guys.
Guess who has two thumbs, 11 toes,
and can legally practice law again?
Thought you got disbarred
and sold your extra toe to a witch.
They just reversed the decision.
Guess that's what happens
when the judge who disbarred you
gets beheaded for treason.
Oh, also, this lady was waitin' outside.
She seemed so sad,
I gave her my Tim Burton-ass sundae.
Excuse me, are you Lincoln Gumb?
My name is Inez Ramos.
My town needs a lawyer.
I'm sorry, Ms. Ramos,
but we can't take on more clients
Wait, hold on.
Our firm has two lawyers now.
This entire law firm has two lawyers?
Uh-huh. What's the case, ma'am?
Insurance, divorce,
teenage son on camera doin' Nazi stuff?
A giant corporation
has polluted our town's water supply.
It's such a disaster
that this film crew is already turning it
into a depressing documentary.
Please, will you take our case?
-[sighs] I'd love to help, but
-[director] One sec. Hey, Trent?
Can we get in tight on this heartless
lawyer before he turns her away?
But let me introduce you
to my associate, Glem Blorchman, Esquire.
Uh, you won't regret it!
And sorry about my name.
Okay, Glem is taking
this high-profile case.
What's the worst that could…
[dramatic music playing]
[Inez] Las Vegas is where people go
to make dreams come true,
but just a few miles away,
my community is living a nightmare.
All the dump sinks
in all the city bars and casinos
flow to a central pipe
running directly under our town.
Last month, that pipe ruptured.
Now tap water
in the average home is 120 proof,
and everyone in this town…
[unsteadily] …is always drunk.
[sirens wailing]
[cheering]
Yeah!
We need a hero.
You know, these young pups don't know it,
but I used to run this town.
My ads were legendary.
Injured on the job? Hit and run?
Bitten by a dog or a strange dog like man?
Gotten your genitals caught in a hot tub,
lava lamp, or neighbor's motorcycle?
I can handle all those cases,
plus four other kinds.
Glem Blorchman got me
a huge cash settlement
when I got meiner kleiner penis stuck
in the motorcycle
of a strange dog like man.
I guess you could say
mon-E equals Gle-M C-squared.
[Glem] You butchered
my perfect writing, you pig!
-A-T-T-O-R-N-E-Y ♪
-[cash register chimes]
After I got disbarred,
I had a rough couple of pairs of decades.
Vegas hates losers.
-[growling]
-[Glem yelps]
-Ugh!
-Aah! Aaargh!
-Hurgh! Yaah!
-[crunch]
-[crowd cheering]
-[Glem groaning]
But one hand can turn it all around.
And what a hand this case is.
Greedy fat cats, sad women,
and metric tons of liquor.
It's classic Glem.
Once I win, I'll be like Dracula.
Dead and Loving It.
Except I'll be alive.
Okay, Sheila, if we're gonna win,
hoo boy, several dozen cases in a week,
we're really gonna
have to lean on the formula.
No more being breastfed, got it.
That's why I'm officially promoting you
to uncertified paralegal.
This is gonna work.
Thank you for coming, Glem.
And this beef girl is your bodyguard?
No, this is my protégé, Irene.
[disguised voice] I'm not Glem's protégé.
I'm his captive.
I don't go to school.
He makes me work out so I can do
more manual labor on his alpaca farm.
I just wanna go home.
[man] Kid, will you please just sign
the likeness waiver?
Kid? How dare you talk that way
to Barack Obama?
-[whimpering]
-[siren blaring]
[barking]
[siren bleeps, fades]
[Glem] Tragic.
I've heard of alcohol being fun, but bad?
It's especially hard on the children.
Look.
I just [bleep]-ing love Roblox
so much, man.
[kids coughing and groaning]
This is awful.
He's right about Roblox, though.
I've seen enough.
Folks, ever since
I started my legal career
and then restarted it this morning,
I've fought for the little guy.
Corporations do whatever they want,
and people like us
fall through the cracks.
Now, those cracks
are leaking back washed vodka
into your kitchens.
And bubble baffs… Bath-sff… Bathsss.
Well, that ends today.
-Today, Glem Blorchman fights for you!
-[all murmuring]
[cheering]
And cut. Trent, can we get that again?
That weeping father
was pullin' focus from me.
-[drumroll]
-[gavel bangs]
All right, we got a lotta cases
to get this record,
and we're not leavin' until it's done.
Court is now in session.
Your Honor, for my opening remarks,
I'd like to begin
with a quote from Voltaire.
[clears throat] "Man"
-Time! Prosecution, closing statements.
-She did it.
-Jury?
-Guilty.
Twenty years!
What the hell just happened?
Mr. Gumb, Ms. Flambé.
Soaring rhetoric
and complicated, wacky setups
might help you win your weekly cases,
but I have a record to break.
If you want to help your clients,
my advice is simple and to the point,
just like sex with my beloved wife.
If you waste my time, I'm movin' on.
-From the sex?
-Yes. Bailiff, what's our next case?
The people of Nevada versus Lil' Dickens,
the viral TikTok baby
who shot a police car.
We're not ready for Lil' Dickens yet.
That baby guilty as hell.
[Bowman] I've heard enough.
That baby guilty as hell.
-[bangs gavel]
-Dang it.
[pool balls clacking]
Glem usually gets his best ideas
while drinkin'.
It's where he got the idea
for the underwear
with a built-in washable condom.
I said he should call 'em Funderpants,
but he went with
Winking Glem's Secret Contraption.
Now, Mr. Blorchman,
I quit the third grade to start this bar,
but it seems to me like just-a considering
environmental regulations alone might…
[groans]
Jesus!
What's with the crappy watered-down booze?
How dare you?
I'd never water down a drink!
This town has purity laws.
If we watered down the booze,
the government could shut us down.
Government? Purity?
Trivago! No, that's not right.
What's this… this thing people yell
when they think of something? Eureka!
Yeah, they yell, "I've got it!"
-And I've got it! [groans]
-[dings]
Your Honor,
what separates a bar from a grill?
A grill might serve loaded tots,
but only a bar can serve alcohol.
And my client's town is
serving up alcohol and loaded tots,
by which I mean drunken children.
-[all groan]
-But bars can't serve just any alcohol.
No, it has to meet
certain purity standards.
And this morning, I filed the papers
to have Wetfinger, Nevada…
That's really its name? That's gross.
I filed papers to have the whole town
officially reclassified as a bar.
-[people in gallery gasp]
-You did what?
Which means their liquor supplier,
the defendants,
are now illegally supplying them
with watered-down booze.
-[groans]
-[people in gallery] Ooh!
So, what's it gonna be, boys?
Pay to fix this town's pipes,
or pay even more to start pumpin' 'em
full of top-shelf liquor?
-Glem mate!
-[people in gallery gasp and murmur]
A big, flashy maneuver
so crazy your opponent has no choice
but to give up.
Like I said, classic Glem.
When Glem said that,
he pretty much lost the entire case.
I mean, even for a guy I'm pretty sure
had a live crab in his pocket,
it was a shockingly bad decision.
The defense would like to file
a counter suit seeking reimbursement
for product provided thus far
in the amount of $4 million.
-Motion accepted.
-[gasping]
-What… what just happened? Did I win?
-[Inez groans]
-Not now, Linda.
-[squeaks]
Okay, Sheila, the formula isn't working.
We have to start trying again.
Oh, man. You sound just like
my infertile ex-husband.
Nothin', don't worry about it.
We have to just cut to that incredible
last part of these weekly cases
where we do something inventive
and kinda stupid and then win.
Hell, yeah!
Court is now back in session.
Anderson versus Smokin' Joe's Barbecue.
Ladies and gentlemen, my client is accused
of attempting
drunk-bachelor-party-style public sex
with an animatronic cow
outside a barbecue restaurant,
which… he did.
Whoo!
My client's future is on the line,
so I need you all to listen carefully
to these important details.
What is entrapment?
The official slogan
of the Las Vegas Tourism Board is,
"In Vegas, you can get lucky anywhere."
Anywhere.
Even outside a barbecue restaurant.
Telling that to a town
where tourists are encouraged
to get monumentally drunk and horny,
that is entrapment.
More importantly, who here heard
a word of what I just said,
and who was busy staring
at the objectively sexy cow?
[gasping and murmuring]
That is really entrapment.
Displaying a mechanical cow
so seductive that
any of us would try to have sex with it?
-We rest our case.
-[cowbell clanking]
Not guilty. Cow-robot-sex man is a hero.
[cheering]
[angry yelling]
Now, now, okay,
yes, some mistakes were made.
You turned us into a bar!
Now we owe them millions of dollars,
and they made the alcohol more pure.
Idiot!
People! People, don't you see?
I wanted this to happen.
-It's all part of the plan. See…
-[woman] Wait a minute, what?
In a case like this, okay,
you want them
to think nothing of you, right?
That you're on the ropes.
And then bam!
A knockout blow. It's classic Glem.
[unsteadily] But now,
we're being counter sued.
And when I win tomorrow,
we'll counter-counter sue for billions.
Your Honor, last time we spoke,
believe it or not, I made a mistake.
A town can't be a bar.
If Wetfinger is a so-called "bar,"
then, legally, no children can be allowed
inside its borders.
And that means no smoking, no nudity.
-[gasps]
-You'd have bouncers instead of cops.
Instead of houses, people would live in,
I don't know, jukeboxes?
So, unless you're prepared
to force the town of Wetfinger
to enforce all those horrific…
-[crows cawing]
-So, we lost the suit and the counter suit.
On the bright side, I…
I hear the strip-mining colony
that all the children were taken to
is really thriving under the leadership of
a strong 12-year-old named Big Randy, so…
I guess Glem ruined another town.
This is just like the time he sold
a defective monorail to that one city.
Oh, what was it? Springfield?
Yeah, I told him,
"Glem, don't have a cow, man." [chuckles]
But he wouldn't listen.
Just kept eatin' that Krusty Burger.
[director] Check with legal,
but we can't use any of that.
Oh, you can't?
Ay, caramba.
[crowd clamoring angrily]
There he is, the anti-god
who stole our children.
[Glem] Hey, now, that…
that's a little harshly accurate.
-[crowd yelling]
-[Glem yelps]
Hey, you guys mind
if I play this medley of Beatles hits?
[director] Again, Irene, we can't clear…
I want Jesus ♪
To walk with me ♪
All along my pil ♪
Okay, you're suing Mega Jugs Strip Club
because you,
as a visually impaired customer,
need to be able to touch the dancers
in a process you call "titty braille"?
That's right.
They gotta let us blindos have a feel.
Otherwise, it's discrimination-like.
Well, that's a very compelling argument.
Are you crazy? You coulda killed me.
Uh… I mean, uh, who threw that?
A white dude?
-Your Honor?
-Dismissed.
You say your husband died
of natural causes, correct?
Yes! It was, like, so sad.
That's interesting because…
-[eerie wailing]
-[defendant shrieks]
[sobs and screams]
Oh my God, Jeffrey's vengeful spirit!
It's true. I forged a new will,
and I had him killed.
Uh, this was an inheritance case,
but, Your Honor?
Another win, Mr. Gumb.
Bailiff, take the witness to lady jail.
-And the dog to dog jail.
-[dog whimpers]
Would you look at that? One last case,
and it's a measly parkin' ticket.
Whoo! The record is as good as mine!
Congrats, even though
you could've delayed retirement
by, like, a month and done this normally.
Shut up! Because of me,
you two have tied the all-time record
for most court cases won in a day.
Damn! I guess we make a great team.
You're as good as I am out there.
Really makes my law degree
seem fuckin' pointless.
-[whispering]
-Well, tragic news, everybody.
The assistant DA for our last case
got in a hot-air balloon
that wouldn't stop goin' up.
So, Flambé, you're the prosecution now.
Bam! You're a lawyer.
I can do that, like a ship's captain.
It's a lifetime appointment, too,
unless I get beheaded.
Anyway, let's wrap this up,
and I guess whichever one of you wins
this next one also gets the record.
Any last words?
Before I make you
the second-best lawyer in history?
Before I make you the second lawyer
named Lincoln to get killed
by a disgruntled performer.
That was a long walk.
That's what these legs are good for, Gumb.
There you are. You're missing all the fun
in the strip-mining town.
[laughs] Boy oh boy, they weren't kidding.
Big Randy really was born without pity.
Yeah, I might as well go be
Big Randy's butler.
What else good am I to society?
I'm a loser.
Oh, come on. This is just a speed bump.
"Classic Glem," remember?
Huh. This, Irene? This is classic Glem.
Lose two lawsuits at once,
create a hell town full of child marauders
out of a need to prove
I'm the smartest guy in the room.
It wasn't about winning or losing.
It was all about me, Classic Glem.
Ow! Why are you punching Classic Glem?
Ugh! You dick! I was having fun
messing with the movie nerds,
and now you're makin' me
be all heartfelt and sincere,
you absolute chode.
Who got Lincoln outta trouble
when his airplane anxiety attack
was so bad
the air marshal thought he was in ISIS?
Uh, Glem.
Who tricked the Catholic Church
into canonizing him
the patron saint of single moms?
Glem.
Who got my third-grade bully
involuntarily drafted by the Navy?
Well, I'd like to think
that was more of a team effort.
I never knew the so-called Classic Glem,
but the Glem I know is willing to go to
the weird, gross places no one else would
to make sure the butt holes don't win.
And even when you're a disaster,
you're a disaster for the right people.
Disaster? Trivago!
Irene, you're a damn genius! Follow me.
Now, as you can see in Exhibit M,
the wheel is exactly six inches
from the curb,
where the city alleges
my client is 6.1 inches from the curb.
-Mr. Gumb, is this really necessar
-Time!
Jury, may I direct your attention
to the plaintiff who claims
he did not pay his parking meter
because he, quote, "never carries change,"
when in fact he has a fortune of coins!
Besides, it was after 8:00 p.m.
when he parked.
Leap days!
When the city ordinance was drawn up,
Nevada had yet to institute leap days,
which means,
relative to the date of implementation,
it was Sunday, not Saturday,
meaning parking was free.
Pay no attention to my opponent.
He's high on his love
of illegal pornography.
-[jury gasp]
-Order! Order!
Please, for the love of God
-Motion to cross-examine the defense!
-Fine. I don't care anymore.
Mr. Gumb, would you describe yourself
as an expert in parking law?
[laughs] I've been talking about it
for 11 hours.
Then you know the difference
between right and wrong.
I believe in my client.
I believe in the law.
-God damn it, I believe in this country.
-Is that the truth?
Yes, and I can handle it!
It being the truth!
Then why do you, Lincoln Gumb,
yourself, have an unpaid parking ticket?
[jury members gasp]
If you're lying about one thing,
what else are you lying about?
-I rest my case, Your Honor.
-Yes! I have the record!
I am God!
[party horn blows]
-[bell tolls]
-[gasping]
Why, if it isn't State Supreme Court
Justice Eileen Evans!
[chuckles] Here to celebrate my record?
No! I heard about
this weird court-case marathon.
None of it is constitutional.
All of these cases
are officially mistrials.
-And I sentence you to death by beheading.
-[bell tolls, people gasp]
No! My record!
Also, I want to be alive.
Holy shit, Sheila! You really got my ass.
Only after you got mine!
-God, I feel incredible.
-[Bowman] Please don't!
-Please don't do it!
-I wanted to destroy you!
-I wanted to destroy you. With my mouth.
-[Bowman] Why?
-No! Not the guillotine!
-Words… from my mouth.
-What do we do with all this energy?
-[Bowman] Stop!
-[blade slices]
-Well!
-Got that out of the way.
-Yeah, good game. Good game.
Ahem. Sorry I'm late.
I had to stop off
for some refreshments.
Your Honor, hasn't Mr. Blorchman
wasted enough of this court's time?
No, she's right.
I… I have been wasting time,
coming up with flashy stunts
instead of helping my clients.
Wetfinger isn't a bar or a documentary
or a Mad Max society
of alcoholic children.
No. It's a town full of people who matter.
A town these casinos have turned
into an ecological disaster.
Please. First it's a bar,
now it's a disaster site.
Your Honor, people have been safely living
in Wetfinger for months.
Safe, huh?
Well, then you wouldn't mind
drinking a cup of their tap water.
Not at all.
Just a sec. Doctors recommend
eight glasses of water daily.
-Mm, I… I can't!
-But I can.
[slurping]
[mumbles]
Your Honor,
my best friend is a little kid,
and she motivated me to come here
and be a big man.
Now, they thought my friend was in ISIS,
but he's… he's a good guy.
He's a good…
I'm so full of anger, law man.
I want to kill my uncle and you.
[groans]
No! My pants hurt me. Why'd they hurt me?
My… I love you guys.
I hate you. I hate you!
[wailing]
[tape whirring, no audio]
[Glem moaning]
Help me! I just want pants.
[mumbling]
Can you walk me to the guy?
No!
Look at me, Judge.
I'm a walking catastrophe.
I'm a human Glemsaster.
And any town that turns people into me
is a crime against nature.
He's right.
No person should ever subject themselves
to the risk of becoming like this man.
Your clients have turned this town
into an ecological Glemsaster.
I'm lifting the fines,
the company must pay restitution,
and I'm issuing a recommendation
that FEMA intervene
on this legally recognized disaster site.
-[cheering]
-[man] Yeah!
[Irene] So yeah, Glem rules, actually.
Also, I've been lying to you guys
this whole time. I'm glad I'm his protégé.
We know, and now you have an arc.
You're probably gonna be
the breakout character of this doc.
God damn it!
-At first, we thought Glem was our savior.
-[cheering and applause]
-Then we thought he was a disgusting worm.
-[angry yelling]
But he's both.
He's our disgusting savior worm.
[Glem] So, I completely
ruined my reputation
with that
"get drunk and act pathetic" move.
But I helped these people.
I won by losing.
Classic Glem.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm pretty sure
that booze water is still killing me.
[starts engine]
-[loud crash]
-[screaming]
Another crazy day in court.
Pretty cool move, huh?
Gettin' the whole town turned
into a bar, yeah?
I feel like this is a slam dunk, and…
Ay, caramba!
Glem, what are you doing here? I thought
the whole documentary thing was over.
What? Just 'cause you finished your thing,
I automatically finished mine?
It's been, like, two days.
Nice genitals, SF.
Oh my God!
Thank you!
[theme music playing]
Chirp.