Stuart Fails to Save the Universe (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

1
I know it sounds crazy
but Penny was like
some kind of, uh, revolutionary
guerrilla leader,
uh, fighting against
this AI government thing
that put chips
in everyone's neck.
And the chips,
they were inserted with magic?
N No, no, that's
that's the next universe.
That's a that's a completely
different ball of wax.
Right, sorry.
- "Different ball of wax."
- (QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
And I know you.
I mean, uh, from my universe.
But you weren't a psychiatrist,
you were
were a neurobiologist.
Well, good for me.
And this all happened
before or after the apocalypse?
Oh, before.
After civilization collapsed,
there wasn't a big demand
for neurobiologists.
Rat farmers, sure, you know?
(CHUCKLES) People gotta eat.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Uh-huh.
Okay, uh, here's what
we're gonna do.
(QUIRKY MUSIC RESUMES) ♪
Let's keep your Shamoxil
where it is,
and I'm going to double
your dosage on Trafederine,
see if that doesn't help.
- You think I'm crazy?
- Oh
That's not a word we like
to use around here, but
Doesn't matter. I
- gotta get out of this place.
- To go to a different universe?
Not just different,
a good universe.
You know, without giant moths,
or evil demons.
Right, sure.
Well, if you make progress,
it's not out of the question
that someday you can leave.
Someday? What what
what does "someday" mean?
It means a vague time
in an unspecified future.
(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
That sounds like never to me.
Oh, "never" is not a word
we use around here.
It can be upsetting.
(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
Stuart tries
To reset our lives ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
He's our only chance
And he tries and he tries ♪
But he fails
To save the universe ♪
(CHOIR VOCALIZING) ♪
- Stuart fails ♪
- (THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SLURPS, GULPS)
STEPHANIE: Open.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Thank you.
Oh, and remember,
Dr. Fowler upped our dosage,
so we might wanna take it easy
for a while.
"We"? Are you
on these drugs too?
(LAUGHS) You're a crack-up.
(LAUGHS)
I like you.
(STEPHANIE CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(DARK INTRIGUING MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
(EERIE MUSIC OVERLAPPING) ♪
(MUSIC TURNS DISCORDANT) ♪
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
(CHOIR VOCALIZING EERILY) ♪
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(WHIMPERS, PANTS)
(STRAINING)
Who builds a hallway like this?
(GRUNTS)
(MUSIC CRESCENDOES) ♪
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
- (TAPPING ON WINDOW)
- (STUART BLOOM PANTS)
- (TAPPING CONTINUES)
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Oh, Bert.
Thank God.
Let's get out of here.
(SCREAMS)
SHERPA:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Careful there, Chachi.
- (GASPS)
- Who are you?
- Who am I?
I'm Mamie Eisenhower.
(WIND HOWLING)
I'm a Sherpa.
- A Sherpa?
- SHERPA: Hmm.
I thought Sherpa
was an ethnic group.
Oh, it is. I converted.
I met a girl online.
We did the whole thing,
you know, the classes,
the ceremony.
Then she goes back to her ex.
I don't know what to say.
Uh, I'm sorry?
Oh, no,
I'm I'm working through it.
I'm in therapy.
- I'm thinking about ayahuasca.
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
STUART: I I think
that's a good idea.
SHERPA: I don't know.
We'll find out.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
There's something wrong
with the door.
(UPBEAT ACCORDION PLAYING) ♪
Hello my baby, hello my honey
Hello, my ragtime gal ♪
Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart's on fire ♪
If you refuse me
Honey, you'll lose me ♪
Then you'll be all alone ♪
Oh, baby, telephone
And tell me I'm your own ♪
BERT KIBBLER: Stuart.
How'd you get out?
I didn't. You're very high.
("LOONEY TUNES" THEME
PLAYING) ♪
(STAMMERS) That's all, folks!
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- Hey. How'd you get out here?
- Oh. (GRUNTS) No!
No, you don't understand!
I can't stay here!
None of this is real.
- I can't stay in this universe!
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- None of this is real.
- (SHOUTING) What's not real?
- (ECHOING SLAM)
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- Mr. Bloom, you have a visitor.
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Denise?
- There's my guy.
You gotta get me out of here.
Oh, honey, I wish I could.
You've gotta get well first.
Mm, there's nothing wrong
with me.
Stuart, please, you need help.
I miss you.
The children miss you.
I have children?
- Oh, my God.
- I'm a dad?
DENISE: You're a wonderful dad.
Jaden and Talia
love you so very much.
Okay. I'll do the work.
- I'll get better.
- Oh, thank you.
Uh
Whose idea was it to name them
Jaden and Talia?
- Yours.
- Oh, I do need help.
("WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND"
BY LOVERBOY PLAYING) ♪
(CHUCKLES) Okay,
very interesting interpretation.
Stuart, do you have anything
that you'd like to add to that?
Stuart?
Okay.
- (SOBS)
- Everyone's watching ♪
To see what you will do ♪
- Everyone's looking at you ♪
- (WAILS)
Oh! ♪
- Everyone's wondering ♪
- Mom? Dad?
There's something
I need to get off my chest.
(HIGH-PITCHED)
"What is it, honey?"
(NORMALLY) "Just listen."
"And that's why
I felt invisible."
"No, Dad,
you're talking out of turn!"
Everybody's working
For the weekend ♪
Everybody wants
A new romance ♪
(INAUDIBLE)
- Everybody's going Off the deep end ♪
- (GROUP LAUGHS)
- "You have a son named Stuart."
- And here's Stuart.
"Oh, my goodness!
He's come home."
In the past,
I'd be full of fear.
Now, I'm just feeling the love
from deep within.
(GROUP LAUGHING, EXCLAIMING)
That's great. Good job.
Everybody, round of applause
for Stuart.
- (GROUP APPLAUDING)
- AMY FARRAH FOWLER: Good job, good job.
(SONG CONCLUDING) ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
I see you've been working
very hard.
- I have, yeah.
- AMY: I've got a nice note here
from your occupational
therapist.
Really?
"Mr. Bloom brings
a refreshing enthusiasm
- to his leather work."
- I made this wallet.
Three compartments
and a coin purse.
Always need a place
for your coins.
But how are we feeling
about these other universes?
I'm glad you asked.
I've come to understand
that I was batshit crazy.
Not the word that I would use,
but a word that I would think.
I still have some concerns.
- No, I'm
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
I'm eating well,
I'm sleeping well.
Last movie night,
they played Step Brothers,
and I laughed.
In all the right places.
Any way you look at it,
I am well.
Well, that's not really
for you to decide, is it?
No, it's for you to decide.
- Have you?
- I have.
I can make you a nice belt.
Not necessary.
It's time you go home.
(EXCLAIMS, LAUGHS)
Thank you, thank you.
- Ah!
- You're welcome.
(SIGHS) Think you'll be letting
Bert out anytime soon?
We don't have
a patient named Bert.
Of course not.
I was just testing you.
You passed!
I'm gonna go now.
Bye! If any of my friends
lose their marbles,
I'll send 'em here.
("BABY, I LOVE YOU"
BY THE RONETTES PLAYING) ♪
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, oh, oh ♪
Have I ever told you ♪
How good it feels
To hold you? ♪
(CONTINUES OVER STEREO)
It isn't easy to explain ♪
DENISE: You doing okay?
- STUART: Yeah, great.
- DENISE: Good.
I am so, so glad
you're coming home.
- STUART: Me too.
- DENISE: Hmm.
I mean, I don't wanna put
any pressure on things
or push you too much,
but (SIGHS)
Mama really missed
her Big Daddy.
Uh, I I'm Big Daddy?
- Yeah, you are.
- STUART: Okay.
- Yeah.
- STUART: Just checking.
"Big" is a, uh, great adjective.
Mm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)
Unless you're talking about
a suspicious lump.
We just have
to make one little stop.
- For what?
- Oh, you'll see.
(CHUCKLES)
Big Daddy loves surprises.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Oh, yeah.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS,
FADES) ♪
- (LIVELY CHATTER)
- (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Denise, what is all this?
- It's your exhibition.
You're the hottest artist going.
I am?
(ATTENDEES APPLAUDING)
- The man of the hour.
- Bert.
What What are you doing here?
What are you talking about?
It's my gallery.
Okay, come on,
everybody's dying to meet you.
Oh, uh, help me out.
Am I down-to-Earth famous,
or more asshole famous?
- Asshole.
- Great.
- Yes, it's me!
- (ATTENDEES EXCLAIM)
Good to see you. (CHUCKLES)
- FAN 1: Wow.
- Thank you so much.
Denise, I'm gonna need
some Purell.
Thank you.
I don't even remember painting
most of these.
Good to
Good to see you, yeah.
- (DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- That's, uh
- FAN 2: (ECHOES) I love your work.
- What's that?
FAN 3: (ECHOES) I'm a huge fan.
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
- (MUSIC CRESCENDOES) ♪
- (DEMONIC LAUGHTER)
- (MEAT SIZZLING)
- (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY) ♪
M'kay!
Who's ready for a hot dog?
- I am!
- Me! Me!
Fresh-squeezed lemonade.
TALIA AND JADEN: Yay!
(CHUCKLES)
- How you doing?
- Great.
I can't believe I thought
there was a better universe
- than this one right here.
- Oh. (KISSES, CHUCKLES)
BARRY KRIPKE: (WITH RHOTACISM)
Welcome back, neighbow.
- Kripke?
- Guilty as charged.
We're neighbors?
I wike to think we're
a wittwe more than neighbows.
I held your son at his bwis.
We're Jewish?
So, how was the woony bin?
It's not a loony bin, Barry.
It's a hospital.
- Yeah, fow woonies. (LAUGHS)
- Barry
I'm kidding. I'm a kidder.
Just ask my husband.
Is this guy
giving you the business?
- Gary?
- Hey, Stuart.
(QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- I gotta go lay down.
- Are you okay?
I'm not sure.
Wooks wike they didn't tighten
all the scwews there.
- You're terrible.
- Oh, and you wove it.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
STUART: Denise, I'm gonna go
for a little walk,
- clear my head.
- DENISE: Want me to come with?
STUART: That's okay.
I won't be long.
(SOFT EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INTRIGUING MUSICAL STING) ♪
(MUSIC CRESCENDOES) ♪
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSICAL STING) ♪
(MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪
(MUSIC CRESCENDOES, FALLS ) ♪
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC
OVERLAPPING) ♪
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
- (BELL DINGING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(SHOP BELL CHIMING)
KYLE: You're not listening
to me, okay?
The centrifugal force
of Thor's hammer
is what allows him to fly.
TREVOR: But Thor is throwing it.
That violates
Newton's first law.
Uh, hey. Hey, hey.
Settle an argument for us.
Laws of physics don't apply
to Norse gods, right?
Of course not.
Thor, along with
the other inhabitants of Asgard,
exist outside the paradigm
of the physical universe.
- (GASPS) How do I know that?
- (DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING) ♪
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Oh, boy.
(MUSIC TURNS EERIE) ♪
(WHOOSHING WARBLE)
(MUSIC FADES) ♪
(INSECTS CHIRPING)
- How was your walk?
- Good.
- What you got there?
- Uh bought a comic book.
Hmm. Since when do you read
comic books?
People read comic books.
(YELLS) What is with you?
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
Sorry. That was too loud.
STUART PRIME: "It was like
any other Tuesday at Caltech.
- Smart people doing smart stuff.
- (INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
STUART PRIME: Leonard, Sheldon,
and Howard constructed
a Vari-state
Quantum Entanglement Device.
Stuart Bloom stopped by
to share the news
of a clean colonoscopy.
In his excitement,
he knocked the device
off the table."
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Honey, everything all right?
Uh, yeah, give me a minute.
STUART PRIME:
"From that point on,
Stuart was entangled
with the fate of the universe."
- Oh, Jesus.
- DENISE: You need the MiraLAX?
Uh, no, no. I'm okay.
Don't strain.
Remember, that's how Elvis died.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
STUART PRIME:
"Messages were sent to help him,
but the big dope didn't notice."
I'm a big dope?
You're a big dope.
DENISE: If you need it,
there's a Fleet enema under the sink.
Great, thanks.
STUART PRIME:
"So you've gotta fix it.
We're going
to send you more instructions,
but first, you have to escape
from this prison."
- "Prison"?
- (TENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
BERT: (ECHOES)
"None of this is real!"
Coming!
(MUSIC CRESCENDOES) ♪
- (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
- (TOILET FLUSHING)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- What you got there, neighbow?
- Uh, nothing, nothing.
Doesn't wook wike nothing.
Mind your own
damn business, Barry!
That was vewy wude.
(INTRIGUING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (BUTTON CLICKING)
- (DEVICE WHIRRING)
What's that?
- You can see it?
- Yeah, I can see it. What is it?
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
You ever wonder
whether any of this is real?
What are you talking about?
Doesn't bother you
that everything seems perfect?
No. This is the life
we dreamed of.
STUART: Exactly!
When have my dreams
ever come true?
- Stuart, you're scaring me.
- You think you're scared now?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
You might wanna tighten
your sphincter.
(MUSIC TURNS DRAMATIC) ♪
(DEVICE BEEPING, ROARING)
(PORTAL WARBLES)
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(MENACING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(GASPS)
(RETCHES) Yuck!
- (PODS HISSING)
- (FLUID SLOSHING)
(BERT GRUNTS)
Ah! I'm bald.
What'd you do? Where are we?
- (ELECTRIC HUMMING)
- Uh
(ECHOING)
It looks like The Matrix to me.
Uh, technically,
we're out of the Matrix.
So, what, the house,
the kids, the cable TV,
- none of that was real?
- Oh, man. I wiked it there.
I mean, I was homosexual,
but my husband
was a weal wooker.
- Guys, this is The Matrix.
- Yeah, we know.
No, it's literally a scene
from the movie.
- (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
- You're right.
We're still trapped.
Are you sure?
It wooks wike we escaped.
That's what
they want us to think.
- Who is "they"?
- I don't know.
Hang on.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(HUMMING WARBLE)
(DRAMATIC CHORAL MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
(BUZZING WARBLE)
(MUSIC CRESCENDOES, FADES) ♪
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(BREATHES SHARPLY)
You guys ready?
There's no way to know
where we're gonna land.
Anywhere,
as wong as I'm stwaight.
That is so inappropriate.
(GROANS) I know, I know.
It's not a choice.
- (GROANS)
- (DEVICE BEEPING, WHIRRING)
(DEVICE HUMMING)
(PORTAL WARBLES)
- (GRUNTS, PANTS)
- (ECHOING RUMBLE)
(ANIMALS CALLING)
Well, we're not in Pasadena.
- Is it real?
- BERT: Seems real.
Sand, organic material, clay.
Could be kaolinite
or montmorillonite.
What's that mean?
It's dirt.
Why didn't you just say "dirt"?
I was showing off a little.
- (LEAVES RUSTLING)
- Do you hear something?
(MENACING MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Uh no hurt.
- Peaceful.
- We come from far.
We good.
- What do you think?
- I don't know.
They sound stupid.
(DRAMATIC RHYTHMIC MUSIC
PLAYING) ♪
(MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(THEME SONG PLAYING) ♪
(CHOIR VOCALIZING) ♪
(THEME SONG CONCLUDES) ♪