Teachers (2001) s01e04 Episode Script

(Noisy chatter)
(Pins clattering)
(Laughing)
(Drunken mumbling)
I never thought about having
friends in high places before
but it's really great.
It means I can get completely rat-arsed
during the week
and not worry about anyone
breathing down my neck.
Cos you'll have been there with me.
Yeah, can you take over year 8 as well?
No, Brian, cos then
I'd be in charge of you.
(Ball rolling, pins clattering)
If you're so pleased about it,
then maybe I can
run something past you?
Go on, then, let's hear your lovely plans.
I've gotta redefine the policy
on pastoral care, so
Stop now! I've changed me mind.
No, Susan, it sounds really interesting.
Tell us about it.
Don't spare any of the details.
Tell you what. I won't bother.
Thank God for that.
Who wants another drink?
Not now.
Oh, shot.
I'm gonna go and seduce Maggie.
OK. Jenny and Susan, or Maggie?
Leave me out of it.
Maggie. No disrespect.
Susan and Jenny
or Maggie and me?
Actually
I've always found you
strangely attractive.
If it wasn't for Maggie,
I would've chosen you.
Liar. Anyway, what makes you think
I'd want you to choose me?
Cos I know you love me.
You're staying in an aged relationship,
waiting for me to come
to my senses and whisk you away.
Obviously, that'll never happen
and you'll die an embittered
If you don't stop now, I'll have to kill you.
If you do this on Thursday,
Peter'll kill you.
What's happening on Thursday?
Me and Maggie are going
to dinner at theirs.
(Kurt) Can we come?
- No.
- It'll be rubbish, then.
Well, I'm really looking forward to it.
Cos she's my gorgeous girlfriend
and I want her to meet
all my wonderful friends.
Carry on like that,
you won't have any left.
Hey!
(Bluetones: Solomon Bites The Worm)
Monday
Count all the teeth in my head
Tuesday
Anointed by a man in a dress ♪
(Siren)
It's more than just a question of time
It's more a question of
Reason and rhyme
Wednesday, got hitched
just like a good boy should
Thursday
And Friday didn't feel so good
On Satur ♪
(Doorbell)
I've just been telling my friends
how fantastic you are
and I am and we are!
Did they vomit?
Yeah. But I couldn't help it.
Because I think you're really
really great.
Mm-hm.
Come over here, gorgeous.
Right.
(Birdsong)
- Morning!
- Fucking hell!
- What happened?
- You talked shite,
got a bit amorous,
I tried to seduce you and then
you lost consciousness.
- Did I?
- Yeah.
Took all me clothes off,
dancing about,
got the baby oil out, it was no good.
- You didn't, did you?
- No. But it wouldn't have mattered.
You should've tried
that thing that you do.
I did.
(Fizzing)
That's the first time,
the first night we haven't had sex.
Well, had to happen sooner or later.
Yeah, late at night and all alone
It tells me quicken up, pick up the pace
C'mon more speed
and a little less haste
Get along, no time to waste
Telephone voice calmly says
Do ya wanna go faster, baby?
Do ya wanna go faster?
Do ya wanna go faster, baby?
Do ya wanna go faster?
Do ya wanna go faster, baby?
Do ya wanna go faster?
Do ya wanna go faster, baby?
Do ya wanna go faster?
Dancing down the motorway
In the fast lane all the way
I see the night turn into day
I was dancing down the motorway
Hear the voice say ♪
Angie'll go first. Definitely.
Gotta be Bob. I saw him telling himself
off in the mirror.
He does that all the time. But look at her.
She's right on the edge.
Fiver?
(Quietly) Be nice to me about this.
Right. Quickly, I've done
a new pastoral care programme
and I'm giving you these
for this week's topic.
Ah, sex. My favourite subject.
- For year 11 form tutors only.
- How are we ever gonna learn?
I'll buy you lunch
if you both piss off now.
Right. The idea is to make sure
that each topic is discussed
in the right social context.
So, for example, when we talk about sex,
it's in the context of marriage
and permanent relationships,
that sort of thing.
Morning, everyone.
Just checking you're on top
of coursework folders.
- All in by Friday, please.
- (All groaning)
Remember, we all need good results,
not just the kids.
So, erm, I've done up this questionnaire
to get us started.
- Do we have to do it today?
- Don't panic, it's straightforward.
Four o'clock, my office, coursework.
- That all right for you, Jenny?
- Fine.
Clare has insisted we get on with it.
How come he didn't ask
if it was all right for me?
- You were saying?
- I was trying to say
it's high priority so give it a go today
and we'll catch up tomorrow,
see how we got on.
(Jenny) Is that it?
(Susan) That's it.
Oh, and, er, try not to get
into homosexuality.
But I've got Charles Troni in my class.
(Susan) Just try and get them talking.
Once you're in a relationship,
your sex life's fucked anyway,
so it doesn't really matter what you say.
So do you know that's true?
- I mean, is it like a law of the universe?
- And I know what you're talking about.
That relationship-sex-death thing.
Is that it with you and Peter?
We only do it on Sundays,
by appointment with the lights out.
- If at all.
- Really?
No.
Is it better to wait until you're
in a stable relationship
before having sex?
Can you have a good relationship
without having sex?
How long should you go out with
someone before sleeping with them?
What was the question again?
Can you have a good relationship
without having sex?
Yeah. With my mum.
(Laughter)
Let's look at another question.
Is sex better in a stable relationship?
Well, you tell us.
You're the one that's got one.
Well, it can get a bit, erm
We're discussing you lot, you tell me.
- (Tanya) No, you tell us.
- No, you tell me.
(Jeremy) We don't know.
(Katy) Doesn't the sex stop
once you settle down?
(Cheryl) Yeah, my parents
haven't done it for years.
(All laughing)
Stopped already, hasn't it? Hmm?
I feel sorry for your girlfriend.
Dancing around in her underwear
and you didn't even notice.
I'll probably do it before you do.
So will we.
Leave me aloooone!
(Silence)
(Chattering)
Can I ask you something about that?
- Go on, then.
- Not here.
I'm up to my tits, Cheryl, what is it?
Have you ever been out with somebody
who didn't want to have sex with you?
It's Greg, he's just not into it.
Do you think that even though
you're mad about each other
the thrill of sex has waned
now you're in a relationship?
No. We haven't done it at all.
Oh, right.
- Maybe he's seeing someone else.
- Always possible.
- What should I do?
- Well, maybe, er
- What do you wanna do?
- I want to have sex with him!
(Coughing) Right, well, er
Do you think that makes me a slag?
No, of course not.
I don't know. Are you?
Just cos you've reached
that once-a-week
No, I haven't. We still do it, it's just
Look, if
If you want it to work out,
just explain how you feel.
- How?
- Tell him what you said to me.
But what if he says no?
Well, if you're not
If there's no, er spark,
then what's the point?
So it's OK, me wanting to?
Yeah. Go on. Why not?
Cheers, Simon.
Telling everybody what you should be
telling anyone
Else ♪
Oh, thank fuck, I need to talk to you.
Simon, I can't now.
Er, I think my whole life's
about to fall apart.
..what you should be
telling anyone else ♪
If you've got problems with
your sex life, talk to each other.
Because I don't know if
I can bear to hear the details.
- Forget it.
- About the questionnaire
- I'm talking about it tomorrow.
- But I thought I could help.
I prepared a load of stuff
when I was doing your job.
I was gonna go and have a fag.
I don't mind.
Do you dislike how I've done it?
I think some aspects could be looked at
in more detail.
Such as?
Well, I did a load of research
into all areas of sex education.
You're welcome to have a look.
She hasn't got time for my problems
but somehow
she can make time for Jenny.
I've got more than enough stuff
to wade through as it is.
OK. Susan with Jenny's arse
- or Jenny with Susan's tits?
- Oh, no contest.
How about Maggie, or Cagney and Lacey
both with their own arses?
- And tits.
- She's my friend, not Jenny's.
(Sighs)
So, were you and Susan talking
about anything special?
If it was any of your business,
I might tell you.
Greg Simmonds is in your form, isn't he?
- And?
- Is he
all right, do you think?
If you consider collecting
Jeffrey Dahmer memorabilia
and shooting small animals
all right, then yes.
Has he come to you
with any personal problems?
That's Susan's department now.
OK.
Marking schemes for all three pieces
of coursework.
You must collate the components
of the sonnets essay mark
with those of A View From The Bridge
and Of Mice And Men.
And in order to try
to salvage something
..from your pitiful
or non-existent sex lives,
I propose that we exchange
our sexual insecurities together,
as a group, to see if that makes
for a stimulating solution.
So let's start with
the most extreme case in the group.
Simon.
- What?
- Swap your coursework.
For objective comparison
later in the week.
- I'm dead.
- We're gonna need more detail.
I needed out of a hole,
so I dictated an essay to the class
and told them to rewrite it
in their own words.
- Nice one.
- They all made the same mistakes,
they got practically the same grades.
Apart from one swotty little freak
who couldn't just cheat like the rest
but had to do it himself.
So now my best student has
the worst mark and she'll spot it.
Relax. Who cares about
other people's marks?
This is Jenny we're talking about.
And it wouldn't be so bad but now my
my personal life's falling apart
and Susan's deserted me.
Well, we don't mind listening to you
drivel on if it makes you feel better.
(TV) 'Nice day for it, isn't it?'
'You don't have to be mad
to work here'
Have you ever worried that
things aren't working out, you know
(Sighs) ..sexually?
All the time, mate.
Nothing a woman couldn't sort out.
- Can't you get it up?
- It's not that!
It's just (Sighs)
..sex life's gone a bit missing.
Is it all falling apart,
you've forgotten why you loved her
- and you wish you were dead?
- No.
Or you still love her
but she's looking at you and thinking,
"I wouldn't shag him again
if you put a gun to my head"?
It happens to every relationship.
How the fuck would you know?
(Sighs)
Bad news.
It says you have to work hard
to keep it fresh.
"50 Ways To Keep
Your Relationship Alive."
Here's a good one. "Why not invite
your friends to join in?"
Generous offer but no thanks.
"Surprise your partner in a public place."
What, like Tesco's?
"Why not try role-playing?"
I tell you what. I'll be you, you be me.
When's Maggie coming round?
(Doorbell)
Just don't say anything
about what we've been talking about.
(Simon giggling)
Get us a drink or I'll do you
for wasting police time.
Nothing in. Payday's Friday.
- Pub, then.
- I've got homework to do.
What, you're not even going to eat?
Maggie, you know
when you go around Tesco's,
do you ever find yourself
having lewd thoughts?
Fuck it. Let's go out and eat.
I've got plenty of time for work.
Excellent. See ya.
Would you rather have sex
behind the fish counter in Tesco's
or at the checkout in Kwik Save?
Do you think we're getting
What?
Nothing.
One of the girls in my class
came to see me today.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, she's worried
that her and her boyfriend aren't
having sex.
I thought they'd be shagging
like monkeys, like we used to.
What do you mean "used to"?
We still are, aren't we?
I meant when we were 16.
Oh, right. Yeah, well, obviously not.
So, er, she came to me for advice.
- Hm! Mm.
- What?
Mm. Um so, what did you tell her?
Well, I told her to tell him
how she's feeling.
Bit young to be losing interest in sex,
aren't they?
They haven't done it at all,
that's the problem.
She can't persuade him to.
Well, if they don't wanna do it now,
what's gonna happen later on?
Ever felt the urge to do something
really dangerous?
I'm not doing a runner
from this restaurant.
No, that's not what I mean. More like
All right.
Where's the most exciting place
you ever had sex?
In a car park.
(Scoffs) Well, is that it?
With my best mate - Jill.
Fucking hell!
Do you ever? Is that something?
- Would you still?
- What about you?
Where have you done it?
Well, in the Mediterranean.
With
a-a woman.
Mm. I did it in the back
of my mate's car once.
While his mum was driving.
I did it on the 125 to Reading.
Once I arrested this bloke for shoplifting
and we went into the changing rooms
- Yeah, OK. OK.
- And this other time
I did it at work in a cell, there were
- seven other blokes
- OK, that's not what I
I've always kind of fancied doing it in a
(Whispers) ..in a restaurant.
Is that the best you can do?
They have nice, clean toilets in here.
Oh, you mean now.
God, no, I'm only saying.
When I said that you were ugly
I meant your personality
I went and made a small mistake
Which was the straw
that caused the break ♪
Hello, children.
And they fall back out again
We could sink without a trace ♪
- Can, erm Can we
- (Motor racing on TV)
..use your room, Brian?
No. You haven't cooked for
a week and I'm going to bed.
But
remember what I said earlier?
You know (Mouths)
Shush.
Well, if you're watching this,
can we sleep in your room?
Mm.
When the pieces fall in place
And they fall back out again
We could sink without a trace ♪
Jesus Christ!
(Laughing) Get off!
It's all right, mate,
I think we'll just watch TV.
You haven't missed much.
They're only on lap four.
Of how many?
Excellent.
When I said that you were ugly
I meant your personality ♪
(Man on radio) '8:28 Thursday morning.
Hello. Cloudy today,
'sunny spells later,
highs at 13 degrees Celsius.'
(Woman) 'Lisa called to say
happy birthday for tomorrow
'to Ryan in Reading.
'She invited us all to the party.
'And we got an email from Sarah,
AKA Little Chick.
'And she says you're a crazy shock jock.'
(Man) 'You never know
what I'm gonna do.'
(Woman) 'Thank you for sending that
and she wants to say'
- (Kurt) Don't mind me.
- Jesus Christ! What the f?
I got cold around lap 42.
(The Dandys: All That You Do)
Cos all that you hear
And all that you see
Is all you will ever be
All that you touch
And all that you feel
Is all you will ever be ♪
- You were right.
- Good. What about?
- I took your advice. I dumped Greg.
- What?!
I asked him, he said no, so fuck him.
- I didn't tell you to do that.
- He's a shirt-lifter.
Homosexual, Pauline.
This isn't about you.
I told him what you said -
it's pointless if we don't shag.
I did not say
You dumped him
cos he wouldn't have sex?
- Yeah.
- (Bell)
La la la la, la la la la ♪
So, how did we all get on?
Any problems?
- (Scoffs)
- No.
- Simon.
- We can't just give them rules
and tell them to get on with it.
One of the girls might have a problem
and I'll give her advice
that worked for someone else
but is totally wrong for her.
Was there a specific problem?
No. No, it's just this stuff's
totally irrelevant.
Thanks for that.
So, did anyone have
a more positive experience?
(Jenny) I still think areas are missing.
Yeah, we know that's what you think.
Shouldn't we use this
to address divorce?
Over half our kids
have divorced parents.
We are coming round to that.
You can't address
the positives of marriage alone.
You need to be more lateral.
Well, as you're obviously the expert,
I should defer to you.
But as I'm head of year,
I'll continue to decide
how we teach this subject.
(Angie) So long
as it's not more work for us,
- I don't care what we teach.
- I just think it's bollocks.
Well, fortunately,
you don't have a personal say.
(Jenny) Sorry, I don't have time for this.
Wooo.
I knew I could rely on your support (!)
Well, it's shit.
You're supposed to be my friend!
- When it suits you.
- What?
Whenever I wanna talk, you're too busy!
Oh, don't talk rubbish.
Jenny!
Don't ever walk out on me again.
There's no point if no one's listening.
I don't want to hear
how you'd do it better.
Yes, you'd rather hear
Simon tell you how to do it better!
I'm trying to give
equal respect to every teacher.
Would you mind fucking off?
- Shame that doesn't include me!
- You're mad I got the job.
No. I've gone out of my way to cooperate
but you throw it back in my face.
That's not the way I see it.
Look, try and put yourself in my position.
I worked really hard on all that
and I was disappointed
not to get the job.
But it seems like a real shame
for all the work I did to go to waste.
It might actually be useful to you.
If you don't use it, fine. But at least do
me the favour of casting your eye over it.
I will look at it.
In fact, why don't I copy it for the others
and we'll discuss the best way forward.
They don't want to hear my views.
They might welcome you more
if you give them a chance too.
- Including Simon?
- OK, so he's over-excitable
and not terribly reliable,
but at least he's enthusiastic.
- And I'm not?
- I'm not saying that.
Maybe you should start thinking
about the signals you give out.
Why the fuck did you tell
Cheryl to dump me?
I didn't!
It's not my fault
you don't wanna shag her.
Look. If something's wrong,
you should talk to someone.
- I can't do it.
- Course you can.
Can't.
I've got crabs. Man, they're disgusting.
There was hundreds of the bastards.
So I tried to kill them off
with disinfectant.
All the skin peeled off my
Skin peeled off your?
I only did it once with this girl.
Then I got these.
Probably just as well
Cheryl doesn't know why.
No, she'd kill both of us.
Does Cheryl know her?
Mmm yeah.
Not Pauline? You really know how
to shit in your own school bag.
You just get your dick an MO
and forget about it.
- Is everything all right?
- Might be.
You said you were worried
about him earlier.
Nah. Young love. No big deal.
What, you and Greg?
Right. Is there anything I can do?
He needs someone to lick
his wounds, if you're offering.
Tiny crabs going
"ee-ee-ee" in his pubes.
(Brian and Kurt) Eugh!
- What a dirty bastard.
- What about her?
Right. Pauline Young with crabs
or Cheryl Cassidy with
a really bad cold?
At least he's got good reason
not to have sex.
You still not been to Tesco's?
Have you ever done it
in a really, really exciting place?
Depends what you mean by exciting.
Like in a car park or a police cell?
I had a wank in the IT room once.
It was break time.
- I nearly did it on a plane.
- What do you mean, nearly?
Well, I met this really nice girl.
- And we got chatting.
- And?
At one point
I thought she was gonna snog me.
That should make me
feel better and yet
strangely, it doesn't.
Maggie's done everything with everyone.
- Really?
- What, recently?
No, I just feel like she's done these
really adventurous things and I haven't.
I'm scared she thinks sex
with me is really boring
just cos we do it in a bed
or on the sofa.
Not even that now.
Well, be fair. You've got
a good repertoire of positions.
- How the fuck do you know?
- (Doorbell)
- How do you know?
- I'm not telling you that.
You might have sex one day.
(Maggie) I'm not, really.
(Groaning)
You all right, Maggie?
Not too tired?
I'm fine, thanks.
- Is there something on my face?
- No.
They don't see girls that often.
Just the sight of one
can overwhelm them.
I'll just go put my jacket on
and then come back.
You're not gonna leave me in here
with these two, are you?
"Sex and Relationships."
Please tell me you're not teaching this.
- (Both) No.
- Simon is.
Oh. Well, that makes it so much better,
then, doesn't it?
Bones, sinking like stones
All that we fought for ♪
(Simon) So, if you had to do
one of three things
and not tell anyone why,
which one would you do?
Walk to work naked every day -
or cycle if you prefer -
take all your lectures
dressed as a Hare Krishna,
or go up to everyone you meet
from now on and say,
"Have you let Jesus into your heart?"
Why would I do any of them?
(Simon) It's a game, you have to.
- No, they're all ridiculous.
- Yeah, but that's the point.
It's a game, you have to choose one.
- I don't want to choose one.
- You've got to!
- Do one on me.
- No, Peter's gotta choose one.
I don't think I do.
All right. All right.
Try another one, same setup.
One, you have to resign from your job
and go door to door selling
feminine hygiene products
(Maggie) Simon.
Shut up.
So, what exactly is clinical psychology?
It's about people
who are really fucked up.
Yes. That would be
the technical definition.
But I specialise in treating
acute psychoses,
which, when agitated
by cognitive dissonance
vallen in twee algemene types
schizophrenia waarbig de patient
de realiteit ui het ogg verliest
..en manic-depressive psychoses
waarbig de patient ongecontrolleerde en
extreme stemmingswisselingen ervaart.
That's the conference this weekend.
- Fascinating.
- You didn't tell me about that.
- I mentioned it before.
- Don't think you did.
Sometimes it's hard to forget
you're married to a teacher.
But easy to forget
you're married to a psychologist
when he's hardly ever there.
I thought your department dinner
was on Saturday.
That's next week.
And I'm afraid the following weekend's
gone as well.
That's fucking brilliant.
So, what was it you've been
chasing me round about?
- What?
- I know you wanted to talk
and I'm sorry I've been so snowed under
but now, I'm all yours.
- Doesn't matter.
- No, go on.
No, I don't want to.
Oh, I get it. Now you're all grumpy
because I can't spend all day
pissing about with you.
Is that why you had a go at me
at the meeting?
No, that's because it's a load of bollocks.
Yeah, well, I'm your boss now,
so tough shit.
I never thought you'd have
bought into all of that.
You know kids.
Whatever we say, they do the opposite.
So marriage is good, shagging is bad,
and there's no such thing
as a gay teenager, OK?
- Is that really your brief?
- It comes with the new job.
Along with parent liaison,
careers, study skills, discipline
On top of everything else?
I enjoy it. When Simon leaves me alone.
Sounds like a lot of extra work
for three grand a year.
More wine.
- Go on, Peter, get that down.
- No thanks. Busy day tomorrow.
And you wouldn't want to be drunk
in charge of an inkblot.
So, what was your big problem, then?
What? Oh, it's personal. Sort of.
It's not for now.
- Go on, then.
- Oh, God, no.
It's not personal about me,
it's about a student.
The nymphomaniac with the boyfriend
who can't get it up?
It turned out she dumped him
cos he didn't wanna have sex.
You can't dump someone
cos they don't wanna have sex.
No one'd be in a relationship,
would we, darling?
There's nothing wrong with our sex life.
We take turns on top. Me one week
Me the next.
Sometimes we leave the light on.
Once I, er I even took you
from behind, didn't I, dear?
Yes, you did.
But sometimes we're too tired.
We just snuggle up and go to sleep.
- Ow! Shit!
- What is it?
Oh, contact lens. Bastard.
I didn't know you wore lenses.
- Ow!
- It's gone round the back.
- Are you all right?
- Help me, Simon.
Sorry, where's your, erm, bathroom?
Erm, Simon knows where it is.
I feel good, I feel bad ♪
I really don't have a clue
what you're on about. What?
It's all gonna end up in flames
Without a shame, cos I'm ♪
- What about your eye?
- I'm being spontaneous.
No, that's just doing it
because we've been talking about it.
You can't just decide
"let's be spontaneous".
You have to BE spontaneous.
OK. Let's do it when we get home, then.
That's worse, that's planning it.
Next we'll be comparing diaries
to make appointments for it like they do.
So we're not gonna do it now or at home.
So when are we gonna do it?
Well, I don't know.
OK, let's do it now, then.
No, I tell you what.
Let's never bother to do it again.
Can't be seen, you're gettin' mean
Now we're going
to change the show ♪
Cos it's super-sexy, super-cool
The way they walk the avenue
But it's a sadder day than yesterday
So it kinda makes 'em super-blue
Spastic Sam and Eric Drew ♪
I'm glad you had
a scintillating evening without me.
Well, I'm glad you're glad.
- Did Peter enjoy it?
- Yeah. Why?
Didn't he seem to be enjoying it to you?
Yeah, kind of.
- Four o'clock, my office.
- It's tattooed on my soul, Bob.
- He's changed a bit.
- Happens to the best of us.
I thought he'd be more clued up
about what you were doing.
He's got a lot on.
Is everything all right with you two?
You a relationship expert
all of a sudden?
Sorry, I'm just trying to be helpful.
You worry about you and Maggie,
let me worry about me and Peter.
What do you mean, worry?
Why should I be worried?
What have I got to worry about?
You disappear to the bathroom
with some spurious excuse
and come back
barely speaking to each other.
That's what I've been trying to tell you,
we haven't done it for ages.
We're turning into you and Peter.
- How long is ages?
- Three days.
- Oh, for God's sake.
- It's the beginning of the end.
I'm worried we'll never do it again.
Right. You've got two minutes.
You can't just fit me into your schedule
like I'm a pupil.
- Yes, I can.
- How can you be so cruel?
- This is how I have to be.
- But why?
Because I've got a new job.
I preferred it the way it was.
- Time up.
- That's not two minutes.
I know but I'm bored.
I brought this in for you,
you might find it useful.
- Thanks.
- Don't feel you have to use it.
I will read it, though, thank you.
- Is my coursework all right?
- Great, yeah. Very good.
- Good.
- What about mine?
Fine.
To be honest, I've only read a few.
- I'll read the rest at lunchtime.
- Right.
(Bleep)
(Bleep)
(Bleep)
(Brian) Come on, Pauline, that was crap!
Greg tire you out, did he?
Where are you going?
Do ya wanna go faster, baby? ♪
- You little bastard!
- What?
(All shouting)
Do ya wanna go faster?
Do ya wanna go faster, baby?
Do ya wanna go faster? ♪
(Shouting)
Oh, for Christ's sake, Cheryl, Jesus.
- I can't believe you did that!
- Stop it!
Quiet!
Mrs Hunter's office, now.
It's OK, I'll sort it, I know the background.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
Thanks.
- Cheryl, it didn't mean anything.
- It meant I got a dose off you.
Come in, sit down.
Greg screwed Pauline
and he got a dose off her.
Tell me what happened.
I'll never talk to her again. Dirty bitch.
I loved him and I thought he loved me
but he did it with her
and never with me once,
the lying fucker.
I can imagine how much that hurts.
Still, it's probably better
you didn't sleep with him.
Simon said I should.
What do you mean?
Simon said it's pointless going out
with someone without sex
and if Greg didn't want to,
I should dump him.
So I went and asked him
and he said no, so I dumped him.
All the time,
he was sleeping with Pauline!
(Sighs)
Let me get this straight.
You told a 16-year-old girl
to ask for sex from a boy with crabs
who's been banging her best mate.
You can't blame me for the crabs bit.
If Brian hadn't told everyone,
it'd all be fine.
- You told Brian?
- Yeah, it just slipped out.
- What the hell were you doing?
- I was trying to help them.
She only asked because
of your stupid questionnaire.
The whole point of it was
to ensure these conversations
are had in a structured forum -
there are guidelines.
Come on, don't be like that,
you're my best mate.
You've got to be really careful not to put
yourself in a vulnerable position.
Sorry.
It's not difficult.
I just want you to describe a blackberry,
for Christ's sake!
If you're pissed off,
don't take it out on us.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
How about desirable,
sensuous, voluptuous?
So it's about sex?
- So what?
- Exactly.
Blackberry Picking represents
sexual awakening.
But he's clever cos it cuts two ways.
While it is a serious initiation
into adulthood,
it's also something
for everyone to enjoy.
Oh, so we're allowed to enjoy it now.
Er, well, you certainly did.
Yeah, well, you would've done
given half the chance.
You were the one
who was begging for it.
Yeah. And you were the one with crabs.
- (Laughter)
- (Simon) So, to sum up,
sex can be fun
but it's not without its complications.
It's best in a stable relationship.
- Now
- You don't mean that?
Don't, we'll never get anything done.
Look, sex is important but
it isn't everything - in my opinion.
Can we get on, please?
(Simon) Jenny's sonnets
look good to me.
Highest was a low A, her lowest a D/E.
- And how were Simon's?
- Quite impressive, actually.
The standard was consistently high.
Generally good Bs.
(Bob) Not all of them, surely?
All except Jeremy Stephens,
he was significantly lower.
He had flu that week.
They can't all have Bs. Let me see.
There's no need.
Honestly, Bob. It's all in order.
They're all good essays.
Well, I'll, er take your word for it.
Well done, Simon. Very good, everyone.
Have a nice weekend but not too nice.
Mock exams are only a month away.
- Are you going for a drink?
- On payday?
- Is the Queen Mum stuffed?
- Mind if I come?
Pleasure.
Get in the back.
Living it up in the city
Keeping the pressure down
The good and the bad and the pretty
Going around ♪
(Simon) I got away with it.
She thought they were all fine.
(Brian) I told you, Jenny won't care,
she's too worried about her own.
I'm gonna get so drunk tonight.
(Cheering)
I thought you'd be
much better at cheating.
What are you talking about?
Why didn't you say something?
I helped a few of
the weaker students as well.
I thought you were supposed
to be perfect.
We all want the best
for the students, don't we?
Unless, of course, you just did it
to make your own life easier.
No, well Yeah.
But I want what's best for them too.
Right. I'm going to the bar.
(Jenny) No, let me get you one. Scotch?
- Thanks.
- Am I forgiven?
It's not personal, it's work.
Have you forgiven me at work, then?
Don't know yet. Find that out on Monday.
I try my best
but everything I seem to do
seems to blow up in me face.
Oi. You know the rule.
We don't drink in your pub,
you don't drink in ours.
We just wanted to go somewhere quiet
to sort things out.
OK.
Aren't they being grown-up?
Working it all out
without any help from you.
All right, you've made
your point, now fuck off.
Right. Peter's away,
who's coming out to play?
I'm cooking for Maggie.
Be a mate, take Little and Large out.
- Did you say you were cooking?
- Fuckin' marvellous.
(Donald Sinden) 'Let me whisk them
away from you at once.'
(Lily Savage)
'Get your flamin' hands off, pig!'
(Bob Mortimer)
'Our Freya doesn't suffer fools gladly.'
- Do you need a hand?
- If you like.
- Should've gone to yours.
- (Belch)
I thought they'd stay in the pub
and we'd cuddle up in front of the telly
and have a nice night in.
I'm sorry.
I'm not bothered about them. Come here.
(Shed Seven: Getting Better)
You are my guiding light
And you're shining brighter ♪
- Brian, can you do us a favour?
- What?
Er, come over here.
And the hills are alive ♪
I want you to stir this. Back in a sec.
And you stay there, don't move.
It's getting better all the time ♪
I really like the fact we've got
a proper, mature relationship.
No, you don't. You're just relieved
we've had sex again.
I know I am.
And I'm sure Brian and Kurt are too.
(Maggie) Aren't you, boys?
(Both) Yes.