The Andy Griffith Show (1960) s01e04 Episode Script

( whistling sprightly tune)
starring Andy Griffith
with Ronny Howard.
Also starring Elinor
Donahue and Don Knotts.
Barney, you wait
on out here if you will
and as soon as Aunt Bee
gets everything she wants
you can take her
on home, all right?
I won't be long, Barney.
Nice morning, ain't it?
I don't believe
it's going to rain.
Oh! It's closed.
Well, what do you
know about that?
Here it is after 9:00
and Fred ain't open yet.
He must be having
another spell of sickness.
Tsk. Well.
Come on in, Aunt Bee.
Now, what did I do with my list?
Ah. Here it is.
Well, good morning, madam.
I didn't see you come in.
You're the first customer
we had this morning.
Is there something particular
I can do for you?
Yes, you can get
me some toilet water.
You figuring on
going off on a date?
We got all manner
of goodies over here.
Let's see I wish you'd
look at that pretty bottle.
Mmm! Ain't that pretty?
"Par-foom nawj days
floris ain't roo-jay."
Made in Paris, France.
Whew! I was over there
one time during the war.
It's a real
nice-smelling country.
( sniffing)
Mmm! It do smell good.
Mmm-mmm!
Let's see. We could use
something for Opie's sniffles.
Officer!
Quick! Burglars!
What?!
Where?
Quickly! In the drugstore!
All right.
Please hurry.
( grunts)
I
Sorry.
Can't you use the
passenger side?
Can't now, ma'am.
( grunts)
Over there.
Oh.
All right, mister.
I got you red-handed, now.
Just stick 'em up.
Andy! It's you!
Well, of course it is.
Who'd you think it
was, Billy the Kid?
Barney, what is
the matter with you?!
Well, she said that
Well ma'am, ma'am,
this ain't no burglar.
This is Sheriff Taylor
and this is Aunt Bee.
You almost had me
shoot my own sheriff
for heaven's sake!
Then what are they
doing in this store
before it's open?
Oh, well, Fred was a
little late this morning
and the key's up over the door
and I just
I don't believe I know you.
I'm Ellie Walker,
but I still don't see
Oh! Fred's niece.
How-de-do.
He told us about your
coming to help out.
Oh, and it's nice of you too
with Fred ailin' and everything.
Barney, you heard
about the new lady
druggist coming.
Well, this here's her.
Well, h-howdy, doc.
Or whatever it is
you call yourself.
Just call her a lady
druggist, Barney
and if they're all
as pretty as she is
we can sure use a lot
more of 'em, couldn't we?
I still don't know
what you're doing
in this store before it's open.
Oh, well, I reckon
I know the store
about as good as Fred does
so I always help myself
even when he's here.
Now, let's see:
Toting this stuff
up is three and two
and carry two is $3.23.
Sheriff, what are you doing?!
ANDY: Why, I'm
paying my bill here.
ELLIE: If you please!
There you are, and thank you.
Well it was very nice
meeting you, Miss Walker.
Uh, y-yeah. It was nice.
Be sure and call me
any time you see a thief
only make sure
it ain't the sheriff.
Thank you very
much, and come again.
You all, uh
you all go ahead.
I'll be there in a, in a minute.
( clears throat)
Yes?
So, uh, you're, uh
you're Fred's niece, are ya?
( laughs softly)
Fresh out of
college, too, I see.
That's right.
17
Um, excuse me.
Well, I just thought
I might be able to
help you a little bit
this being your
first day and all
Kind of help you find
out where things are.
You're very kind,
but I'll manage.
Well, now, that's nice.
Your diploma right under Fred's.
Elinor Walker, PHG.
Pharmacy gal?
You must be prouder
than a prize heifer.
Sheriff Taylor, I
don't want to be rude
but you do understand
if I'm going to
help run this store
I've got to establish
some sort of system.
Oh! Well, of course
you do, course you do.
Same thing in the
sheriffing business.
Got to keep things orderly
and know where
things are all the time.
Wouldn't do to arrest a prisoner
and then forget
where you put him.
Well, now, that's a nice smile.
Just as toothy
'spect folks will take to that.
Well, if I can't help
you, I reckon I'll go on.
I'll see you again, I reckon.
Bye.
Good-bye.
Hello, Andy.
Well, morning,
Emma. How are you?
Terrible.
Ran out of my pills last night
and couldn't sleep a wink.
Oh, that's a shame.
Tried watching that
late show on television.
Even that couldn't
put me to sleep.
I know. I saw it. It was
pretty good, wasn't it?
Sure does keep a body awake
whenever they slip
in a good'un like that.
It's lucky they don't
have them more often.
Well, I'll I'll see you.
Andy
Don't you want to know
did I have a pain last night?
Of course I do.
Did you have a pain last night?
Did I have a pain?
It started right
here in the side
and shot down my leg,
raced up the other side
and around my back and
then went clean on up my neck.
Oh I'll say one
thing for you, Emma
when you have a pain,
it really goes places.
Don't it just?
( laughing)
But as soon as Fred gives
me my pills, I'll be fine.
Oh, oh, oh. Fred ain't here.
His niece is helping him out.
Uh, Miss Walker?
She know anything about pills?
Oh, uh, Miss Walker
This is Emma Brand,
a real good customer of Fred's.
Miss Walker'll take care of you.
Well, bye again.
Bye, Andy.
Yes, ma'am?
I'd like my pills, please.
Your pills?
Here's my dime.
Now give me my pills.
A dime for pills?
That's what I always
pay No more, no less.
Now let me have my pills.
May I see your
prescription, please?
My what?
Your prescription
The written order
for your medication?
Oh, I don't need
one; never had one.
They're them little blue
pills in that jar there.
Now give me a handful
and I'll be on my way.
Mrs. Brand, I'll
be glad to give you
whatever pills you want
and as many as you want
if I just had a prescription.
Now, if you'd like me to
call your doctor, I'm sure
I don't need a doctor.
All I need is my pills.
Now give me my pills.
I'm sorry, Mrs. Brand.
I'm not allowed to do that.
Well, you'll be even sorrier
'cause now you've
lost all my business.
Come Christmas time
don't expect me to buy
my cotton balls from you.
Barney, are you
cleaning that gun again?
You just cleaned it yesterday.
That's right.
Ain't nobody ever gonna say
Barney Fife's got a dirty gun.
But you don't have
to clean it that much.
You ain't even
fired it, have you?
No.
But I been pointin' it a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
I guess pointin'
does lead to dust collectin'.
Especially if you
point it into the wind.
Sheriff!
Oh, hi, Emma.
Sheriff, I come
to report a murder.
A murder? A murder!
That's right.
Somebody's been murdered?
Who? Yes.
You? Me.
Yes, and I'll tell
you who done it.
That lady druggist, that's who.
Miss, uh, Miss Walker?
She's the one.
Now, Sheriff, go arrest her.
Do your duty.
Well, now, Emma, they's
they's just the teensiest
little technicality
involved here.
You ain't quite dead yet.
Well, I will be.
Maybe a week, or ten days.
If I don't have my pills,
it's just a matter of time.
Well, why won't
you have your pills?
That lady druggist
She won't sell 'em to me.
Says I have to
have a prescription.
Oh, she does?
You know I never had to
have a prescription before.
I just come in and
put my dime down
and got my pills.
That's the way it's always been.
Well, now, that may be
the way it's always been
but with a new
druggist, and everything
it might be a
little bit different.
Different or not,
I want my pills.
Now, are you going
to make that girl give
me my pills or not?
Well, Emma, the
law don't allow me
to force anything like that.
All right, then.
I come lookin' for justice
and it's blind!
Now, Emma, don't go away mad.
To think I voted
for you last election.
Never even
considered nobody else.
Bad, bad sheriff!
Hi.
Hi. Anything I can do for you?
They told me there
was a new lady druggist
so I come by to look at her.
Are you her?
I'm her.
You're pretty.
Well, thank you.
Make good faces, too.
Well, I've had a
lot of experience.
I'm Ellie Walker.
What's your name?
Opie Taylor.
Are you any relation
to Sheriff Taylor?
He's my Paw.
Oh.
Ain't got no Maw.
But I got Aunt Bee.
She takes care of me.
I see.
Would you like an
ice cream cone?
I'd like one fine
only I ain't got no money.
I what?
I ain't got no money.
Well, I meant I'd give you one
free of charge.
Free? Honest?
On one condition:
That you don't
say "ain't" anymore.
Yes'm.
Gee, I ai uh
I haven't ever had a free
ice cream cone before.
I ain't even had
a paid one lately.
Well, young man
what you doin' over
here in the drugstore?
Gettin' a ice-cream cone.
Well, where in the world
did you get the money for that?
Didn't need any money, Paw.
She's going to
give it to me free
just for not saying
"ain't" no more.
So I ain't going to
say "ain't" no more.
Well, I don't blame you.
Here you are.
Thank you.
Certainly is mighty generous
of you, Miss Walker.
Let's just call it an
introductory special, huh?
She's a real nice
lady, Paw, ain't she?
I mean, isn't she?
She sure is.
Are you married?
No.
My Paw ain't married, either.
Bye.
( clears throat)
He's a nice boy.
Yeah. He does very well.
Talks a little too
much once in a while.
I reckon talkin's good, though.
Kind of clears the air.
And, uh speaking of that
something come to my
attention this morning
that I'd kind of like
to get straightened out
if I could.
Uh, I-it's about, um
Um
Just what are you doing?
Better tell her, Emma.
All right. I'm getting my pills.
If she won't give 'em to me
I'll take 'em.
That's stealing.
I don't care what you call it.
I want my pills.
Well, now you can't
rightly put Emma
in the category of a thief.
One thing, she
didn't steal anything.
For another, she
wasn't about to.
Let's see what you
got in your hand.
Look. There's a dime.
She was going to
pay for them pills.
Now, you can't rightly
call that stealing.
Sheriff Taylor, I've
already told Mrs. Brand
she can't have those
pills without a prescription
yet she sneaks in here
and tries to help herself.
What's worse, you condone it.
Well, Miss Walker, if
you would just realize
Ah no use talking to her.
She's mean.
She's mean and heartless
so I'll just go home and suffer.
( groaning)
Poor old soul.
She's started to walk crooked.
You don't care about seeing
another human
being suffer, do you?
All right. You just go right on.
Stick to your rules
and regulations.
Some of these times,
when you're sick and aching
and can't get up by
yourself, see who helps you.
There's a dime for
my boy's ice cream.
Morning, Barney.
Hi, Andy.
What you doing?
Oh, just memorizing
these sheriff rules.
Oh.
I got the first one
all memorized.
You have it?
Want to just check me on it?
Oh, all right.
I know the whole thing.
Okay "Rule number one."
All right. Go ahead.
Uh, you want to just
give me the first word
then I'll
Okay. Uh, "an."
An. An.
An?
Yeah, "An."
You sure?
I'm looking right at it.
An.
An
Uh, you want to just
give me the second word?
Okay.
"An officer."
Oh, yeah.
An officer.
An officer
An, an officer
An officer
An officer
An officer
An officer, an officer
An officer
"An officer of the"
An officer of the
An officer of the, uh
An officer of the what?
An officer of the what
That don't sound right.
No, that ain't right.
"An officer of the law."
Oh, yeah.
An officer of the law.
An officer of the law
An officer of the law
An officer of the law
An officer of the law
An officer of the law
"Shh"
( quietly): An officer?
"Shall"
Yeah. An officer
of the law shall
"Enforce enforce
"the law the law
"and order and order
"without without
"regard without regard
"to personal to personal
"welfare welfare
and safety." And safety.
Pretty good.
You want to go over it
again or you think you got it?
I got it.
Hi, Barney, hello, Andy.
ANDY: Oh, hey, Aunt Bee.
What you got there?
Some soup for Emma Brand.
She's taken to her
bed again, poor dear.
Barney, would you
drop this off for me
if you happen to be up her way?
I knew it.
I knew it!
Knew what?
That girl druggist and her
dad-burned technicalities
have driven Emma to her sickbed.
All right, all right.
We'll just get us up
some technicalities of our own.
Come on, Barney.
Bring the soup.
Well, did you find anything?
There must be some way
we can make that female druggist
give Emma her pills.
Well, closest I can find
is Wilson v. Thorpe's Pharmacy
in Mount Corey, 1952.
What'd it say?
Uh, "Wilson sues Thorpe
"for refusing to
sell him arsenic
"to kill rats in his cellar.
"Pharmacist Thorpe claimed
arsenic would be dangerous
"to Wilson's personal safety
"as Wilson was not
a responsible person.
"Wilson, however,
proved beyond any doubt
"that he was safe
and responsible
"won the case
and purchased his
arsenic on Tuesday, May 4."
That's good.
We got her.
"He was buried
on Friday, May 7."
Well, we we
just lost her again.
Better get this soup into Emma.
It's getting cold.
Terrible way to
go, that arsenic.
Must smart.
Yeah.
I'm gonna tell you
the truth, Barney
it just sets me on fire
how one human being could
be so inconsiderate of another.
It's enough to make
a man's blood boil.
EMMA: Come in.
Oh, listen.
That poor old soul's so weak
she can't hardly talk.
Hello, Emma.
Hey, Emma.
Oh, Sheriff, more soup?
Aunt Bee sent it to you.
Oh, how kind.
Just put it over there
between the pork roast
and the fried chicken.
It certainly is plain to see
you ain't gonna starve to death.
No, kind friends
been bringing
things all morning.
Oh, ain't it wonderful
how the folks help a body out
in time of need.
Bless 'em.
They want my last
days to be happy ones.
There's no telling
how long it will be.
Now, Emma, don't talk like that.
( knock on door)
Oh, dear.
I hope that's not more soup.
Well, I certainly didn't
expect to see you.
May I come in?
EMMA: Who is it, Andy?
You?!
What are you doing here?
Well, I came to
bring you some soup
but apparently,
I'm a little late.
You're late in more ways
than one, young woman.
I'm going downhill fast
and you're the one
that pushed me.
You try to stay calm, Mrs. Brand
and if you're referring
to the pills, here you are.
Those my pills?
Mm-hmm.
Well, what do you know.
You giving them to me?
I'm selling them to you.
The dime will be on your bill.
Now you better
take one right now.
I hope they're in
time to save me.
It's not too bad.
You just take one of
these every few hours
and I'm sure you'll be
fit as a fiddle by morning.
Now, if you'll excuse me
I've got to get
back to the store.
EMMA: Miss Walker.
Bless you.
Thank you.
Oh, I'm feeling better already.
I think I'll eat something.
Hand me that fried chicken
will you, Barney?
Uh, Miss Walker?
Yes.
That was, uh
that was a fine
thing you did there
bringing Emma that soup,
and especially her pills.
Sheriff Taylor, I
brought those pills
because I found myself
becoming the town villain.
It seems everyone
who came in the store
had something to say about it.
Is that the only reason
you brought them?
Well, maybe I thought,
"What's the harm?"
Well, ma'am, not
giving Emma them pills
is what put her in her
sickbed to start with.
Don't be silly.
Those pills couldn't
cure a sniffle.
They're nothing but sugar pills.
Sugar pills?
That's right, a placebo.
They have absolutely
no medicinal
qualities whatsoever.
It's all in her mind.
The pills are nothing.
It's just that Emma
thinks they do some good.
You see, that's why Uncle
Fred has been giving them to her
all these years
without a prescription
and why he only
charges her a dime.
I always did think
that was a low price
for a miracle drug.
Well, tell me something, then:
If you knew they was harmless
then how come you
insisted on a prescription?
Because I'm a pharmacist
and there are certain
prescribed rules
I'm sworn to follow.
Well, I know, and that's good.
I mean, rules and
different things like that
are fine things
to have, I reckon
but sometimes,
well, once in a while
you have to think
about the folks involved.
Like Emma getting sick
'cause she didn't
have them pills.
What do they call
it in the books?
I believe, what
The human
equation, I think it is.
You must believe that, too
or you wouldn't have
brought them to her.
Well, maybe.
Yeah. I bet you do.
I wish you'd looky yonder.
Don't that beat anything?
What are you doing?
Well, I have to
give 'em a ticket.
Why?
Well, they parked in front
of a fireplug; broke the law.
What happened to
your human equation?
How's that?
What about the person?
Maybe they didn't
see the hydrant.
Maybe they ran out of
gas and had to leave it here.
Maybe there was an emergency
and it couldn't be helped.
Are you going to make it worse
by giving them a ticket?
I-I don't know whether
you got a point there or not
but I'm dogged if I ain't
a-feelin' right generous.
I'll just forget it this time.
Good, and don't
you feel better for it?
( chuckling): I reckon I do.
Fine. Then everybody's happy.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Uh, Miss Miss Walker.
Hi, Sheriff Taylor.
I see you're closing up.
Yes is there anything
I can do for you, though?
Well, I just was over
at Emma Brand's house
see how she's getting along
Oh, how is she,
completely recovered?
Well, no.
No?
Miss Walker, them pills
You're sure they won't help her
no matter how many she takes?
Did she send you here for more?
Well
Believe me, those pills are
ineffectual, and she is not sick.
But, Miss Walker
Well, you saw Emma sitting there
eating all that soup and turkey
and chicken and pork roast.
Honestly, it's all in her head.
Well, no, it's all
in her stomach.
She ate all that food,
and now she really is sick.
( both chuckling)