The Brady Bunch (1969) s01e04 Episode Script

1
Here's the story
Of a lovely lady
Who was bringing up
Three very lovely girls
All of them had hair of gold ♪
Like their mother
The youngest one in curls
It's the story of a man named Brady ♪
Who was busy with
three boys of his own ♪
They were four men living all together ♪
Yet they were all alone
Till the one day when
The lady met this fellow
And they knew that it was
Much more than a hunch
That this group
Must somehow form a family
That's the way they all
Became the Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
The Brady Bunch
That's the way they became
The Brady Bunch.
BOBBY: Alice!
Alice! Ow, I ripped myself!
Oh, let me see, Bobby.
Oh, what happened?
I fell off my bike!
Yeah, you banged that
knee up pretty good.
How fast were you going,
300-400 miles an hour?
I was going around the corner
and I hit a banana.
Well, that will do it every time.
Park yourself over here.
We'll get it bandaged in a jiffy.
All work guaranteed or your money back.
What's going on? What's all the noise?
Hot rod Charlie hit a banana.
Looks like he hit more than that.
Your poor knee.
You think I'm messed up
you ought to see my bike.
Banged up, huh?
Like a pretzel.
Come on, let's hobble upstairs
and I'll get you bandaged up.
Alice can do it.
Oh.
Okay.
You might get a better deal upstairs.
You always do it real good.
Well, as long as you're all right.
Next time, look out for those bananas.
You know, you're not very smart.
You had a chance at a pretty nurse
and you blew it.
But, Alice, you always fix my knees
and elbows and things.
Well, the more I think about it
the more I think
you better go upstairs to your mother.
Why?
I'm too busy right now.
I don't have time to fool
around with scraped knees.
But you said
All right, so I changed my mind.
This is a kitchen,
not an emergency ward.
Aw, but, Alice
Don't "but, Alice" me.
Go on upstairs, scoot.
Oh.
Boy, when you take a spill
you really do it up right.
I've had worse than this
lots of times.
If you saw the banana in the street
why didn't you go around it?
I wanted to squish it and I did, too.
Well, it looks like it squished you back.
You sure don't bleed much.
I could bleed more if I wanted to.
How are things in the operating room?
Oh, we're getting the
patient back together again.
Come on in and watch him bleed.
No, thanks.
I've seen him bleed.
Alice?
Alice?
Alice?!
Coming!
What's the problem, Mr. Brady?
A button's coming off this shirt.
Could you sew one on real fast?
I've got ten minutes to get downtown.
Sure. I'll zap one on there
for you in just a jiff
On second thought, Mr. Brady,
I just won't have time to do it right now.
Time? It will only take you a minute.
I'm sorry.
I just can't do it.
I'm way behind schedule.
Say, I've got an idea.
Why don't you ask Mrs. Brady?
Yeah. I guess Carol could sew a button.
Sure, she can.
I'll bet she's a heck
of a good button sewer-oner.
Carol?
Carol?!
You shouldn't have
taken it without asking!
I don't go taking your stuff!
Well, you weren't home!
I had to have a glove!
Well, use your own glove!
I couldn't find mine! I bet you took it!
I never touched it!
Now look what you did!
You got the pocket in the wrong place!
What's up, men?
Look at this, Alice. He took my glove.
Now the whole pocket's messed up.
Where's my glove? You took it! I did not!
Somebody took it! It's not where I left it!
Don't look at me!
All right!
Alice, tell him not to get into my stuff.
My glove's gone! Alice,
make him give it back!
Wait a minute. Hold it!
I have no time to referee
your arguments.
Go in the house, both of you,
and talk to your mother.
She doesn't know
anything about our fights.
She raised three girls.
She knows plenty about fights.
Aw, Alice I'm sorry, fellas.
I got no time. Now go.
She'll give you a fair deal.
Go on.
I'll show you.
I left my glove right here
and when I came back, it was gone.
So he took mine. You took mine.
You say that once more
and I'm gonna pop you one.
Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Now, Peter, you lost
I didn't lose it. He took it.
I warned you.
Wait, maybe someone else took it.
Like who?
Who'd be the last person you'd suspect?
You?
I thought baseball season was over.
Come here.
Is this what you're looking for?
Yeah. Thanks.
Don't you owe Greg an apology?
Yeah. Greg, I'll owe you an apology.
Peter
I'm sorry, Greg.
Carry on, men.
How about that?
Hi, Alice. How's it going?
It's been a good day.
No floods, no fires, no broken bones.
Can't ask for more than that.
Mrs. Brady upstairs?
I think so.
Good. Carol?
Oh, Mike.
Mike, big news.
We got a tax refund?
Oh, better than that.
The ice is melting.
The boys are starting to come to me
with their problems.
Oh, well, my boys know a good thing
when they see it. Oh, no, really, Mike.
For the first time, they asked for me.
And you even asked me
to sew on that button.
Oh, yeah, well.
For the first time
I felt like a mother and a wife.
I nearly cried.
Well, I told you things would smooth out.
Oh, I know, but it happened so suddenly.
I was overwhelmed.
Look what you did to me!
It's your own fault!
You started it!
You did it on purpose!
Hey, hey, wait a minute, fellas.
What's going on here?
Look what he did to me, the dirty rat.
Never mind with the names,
just tell me what happened.
He threw some mud at me
so I threw some at him.
Mine was an accident.
Well, if you ask me, fellas
Mom, look what Peter did to me, Mom!
PETER: Don't believe him, Mom.
He started the whole thing.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Greg.
Seen Mom?
Yeah, she's upstairs.
Anything I can do?
I got a hang-up on my math assignment.
Oh, maybe I can give you a hand.
That's okay.
Mom's a whiz at this stuff.
She helped me twice this week.
Well, I'm pretty good at math myself.
Thanks, but it's pretty tricky.
Mom explains it great.
( Knocking )
Hello, Stokey.
Good morning, Alice.
Let me carry this in.
Package for the Brady boys.
Say, I'll bet that's that giant telescope kit
they sent away for.
Greg! Peter! Bobby!
Boy, we've been waiting for this.
We? Are you in on this deal, too?
Well, I helped them send away for it.
I'm sort of a live-in scoutmaster.
I go along with the boys on their projects.
Well, lots of luck with the telescope
and give my regards to Jupiter.
Thanks. I will.
Hey, boys! The telescope is here!
Yahoo! It's here!
Oh, man, look at the size of that box!
Bobby, look what we got!
Let's open it up and
see what it looks like!
Let's show it to Mom. Come on.
I thought it would never come.
PETER: Hey, Mom, look what we got!
BOBBY: Mom, we got a telescope!
GREG: It's finally here.
Here she comes.
Marcia said you all wanted to see me.
Well?
There's something going on
and we don't understand it.
Something going on?
Yeah.
Yeah.
JAN: It's about Marcia
and Cindy and me.
Us girls.
Oh.
Well, come on, let's sit down
and talk this over.
Now then, what's this all about?
How come the boys are
more important than we are?
What?
JAN: You're always helping them
with their games and their
homework and everything.
MARCIA: You spend
way more time with them.
Do you like them better than us?
I'm sorry, girls.
I should have realized.
I've been paying some extra attention
to Greg and Bobby and Peter
because they haven't had
a mother for a long time.
And I want them to
feel that I'm just as much
their mother as I am yours.
That we're all one family.
I love you just as much as ever.
We love you, too, mommy.
( All laughing )
Hi, Alice.
Oh, hi, Mr. Brady.
( Clattering )
How did it go today?
Okay.
Good.
Mr. Brady, I was wondering
if you're not busy tonight
if I might speak to you and Mrs. Brady.
Sure. Anything wrong?
Oh, no. Just something
I'd like to talk to you about.
Sure. We'll, uh, do it this evening.
Yeah.
( Clattering )
Alice, uh, are you all right?
I'm fine.
Noisy, but fine.
( Clattering )
It's not that I have any complaints.
Some of the happiest moments of my life
have been spent right here in this house.
Alice, you're beating around the bush.
Now, what's bugging you?
Nothing. Nothing. It's just that
well, what I'm trying to say is, um
Well, I felt something's
been bothering you
the last two days.
Is it the girls?
Oh, no. Oh, no. They're dolls.
No, you see, what it really is
well, you see, I have this aunt of mine.
Your aunt?
Yeah. My uncle's wife.
And she's getting along in years.
And now she's developed
this ailment in her liver.
Or her kidney.
One of those things in there.
Alice, you never mentioned
you had an aunt.
Where does she live?
Oh, uh, oh, uh, she lives in, uh
Seattle is where she lives.
That's where my uncle lived, too.
Anyway, she's, uh, got this ailment
and she's been going downhill,
oh, real fast.
( Whistles )
And she asked me if I couldn't
come and be with her.
What could I say?
What with her going downhill like that.
Alice, I'm sorry about your aunt.
Why didn't you tell me?
Well, Auntie's strange that way.
She doesn't like her liver spread around.
Alice, are you trying to
tell us that you're leaving?
Oh, I wouldn't put it that way, Mr. Brady.
It's just that my aunt really needs me
and I thought
Well, under the circumstances, it's
When you really get down to it
like you said, I'm leaving.
I understand how you feel, Alice,
but why are you making
it so permanent?
Take a week or two off.
Then if your aunt gets better
I don't think so. No.
She's the type when she goes downhill,
she just picks up speed.
I've just got to go and be with her.
I hate to see you leave, Alice.
You've been here with me and the boys
for a long time.
Seven years
four months, 13 days and 9-1/2 hours.
Oh, it'll be a terrible shock to the boys.
Oh, they'll be fine.
They have you and the girls,
you're a family now.
So if it's okay
I'll plan to leave tomorrow night.
Take the plane south.
South? To Seattle?
Oh, uh, well, that-that's
the way that the planes go.
I mean, they head south
when they take off
before they turn around and go north.
Greg.
What?
Is Alice really going to leave?
That's what Mom and Dad said.
I thought she was going
to stay here forever.
So did I.
Boy, I'm really going to miss her.
Not as much as me.
Why don't you two knock it off?
We're big guys now
not little kids
like when she first came here.
We got to act grown up.
I'm going to miss her, too.
( Knocking )
Come in.
You guys asleep?
No.
We couldn't sleep either.
We were all talking.
About Alice.
Well, we don't want to talk about it.
We were thinking
I don't care what you were thinking.
Well, you don't have to get nasty about it.
Yeah.
Girls, I think I understand this.
The boys have known Alice
a lot longer than we have.
Now come on.
It's just not going to be
the same without Alice.
Well, we can't make her stay.
Abraham Lincoln put a stop to that.
I talked my fool head off
trying to convince her.
And she decided so suddenly.
Yeah, I can't figure it out.
Well, good night, honey.
Good night, dear.
Mike.
What?
You don't believe that
story about her aunt
any more than I do.
We've got to find out the truth.
Honey, what do you want to do?
Put her under a bright light
or drip water on her forehead?
We'll talk about it in the morning.
Okay.
Good night.
Mike.
Now what?
Doesn't it seem strange to you
she never mentioned an
aunt in Seattle before?
No, not especially.
I have an aunt in Albuquerque
and I never mentioned it.
Now please, could we get some sleep?
Okay.
Good night.
Good night. Love you.
Carol.
What?
When we got married
I doubled the size of the family.
Alice has twice as much cooking,
and laundry and cleaning
and I never offered her a raise.
I got to give her more money.
Even if it hurts a little.
Yeah, that's the answer.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Alice, you deserve a raise.
Mr. Brady, it's not the money.
What is it?
It's like I said,
it's my aunt in Sacramento.
Sacramento?
If I'd known I was going
to draw such a big crowd
I'd have sold tickets.
Are you really gonna leave?
Afraid so, Peter.
Marcia and Jan and me
were just starting
to love you.
I'm going to miss all you kids.
If you're going to miss us,
why are you going?
Well, because I have to.
Who said?
Mom told you, dummy.
She's got to go to Seattle.
Do you like attle better than us?
What?
They said you were going to see attle.
Seattle that's a place like Mississippi.
Mrs. Who?
( Phone ringing )
Get the phone, would you, Greg.
Mom's in there.
Hello.
Alice?
Just a minute. I'll call her.
Alice.
Coming.
Excuse me.
Oh. Thanks.
Hello. This is Alice.
Oh, hi, Myrtle.
Yeah, it's true, Myrt, I'm leaving.
I was just in my room packing.
Plans? No I haven't got any plans yet.
Why?
Things have kind of changed
around here, Myrt.
Now that Mr. Brady's married
I'm just not necessary anymore.
Yeah, who needs an old Victrola
when stereo comes in?
What's going on?
I found out why Alice is leaving.
Jan and I were out in
the back near the kitchen
when Alice was on the phone.
We couldn't help hearing.
Marcia, you shouldn't eavesdrop.
It isn't nice.
It's bad manners.
It's, it's
Well, come on, what'd she say?
She was talking to Myrt
and she told her
Carol, are you sure she said that?
An old Victrola?
I got it straight from the Mafia.
You know that story
about her aunt in Seattle?
She made the whole thing up
because she thinks we don't need her.
Now look, Carol, take her aside
and explain to her that we do need her.
Write it in big letters on the wall.
Mike, telling her won't do any good.
She'll think we're just being kind.
We have to show her.
Whatever we do, we have to do it fast.
At 7:00 tonight she'll be
on a plane for Sacramento,
Seattle, Saskatchewan
or Siberia for all we know.
Now, do we all understand the plan?
Yeah. My part's easy. I know what to do.
I know what to do, too. So do I.
Good.
Aren't you going to ask Mommy?
Oh, I know what to do, sweetie.
Then we're all set.
Operation Alice is underway.
( Cluttered clamoring )
Alice, what are you doing?
You're supposed to be packing.
That's all done.
I just thought I'd get
this kitchen organized.
That's very thoughtful,
but go just go in and relax,
rest up for your trip.
Mr. Brady and I have to go out
to a formal dinner tonight
you know, one of those
business social affairs.
If you're going out,
who's going to feed the kids?
Oh, I'll fix dinner before we go.
Don't worry about that.
Mom, I've got to go.
I'm going to be late for my club meeting
and I've got to bring the cake!
Well, we can go right now.
The car's out front.
What about dinner for the kids?
Oh, I'll fix that when I get back.
Now, Alice, you relax.
Hey, you forgot the cake!
Hold it!
Wait a minute.
You show up without this cake
and you'll be out of the club.
Thanks, Alice. You're really a big help.
MIKE: Carol? I looked all over.
Where's my tuxedo?
Isn't it in the closet?
MIKE: No.
I'll take care of it. Thanks, Alice.
It's right next to
your dark blue suit, Mr. Brady.
Oh, yeah. Thanks, Alice.
Be right back, Alice.
ALICE: Drive carefully, Mrs. Brady.
Alice, where'd Carol go?
She took Marcia to a club meeting.
It's a heck of a time
to be chauffeuring the kids around.
We have to be at the Rockford's at 8:00
and you have to be at the airport at 7:00.
Take it easy, Mr. Brady.
Mrs. Brady will be right back.
You get showered, into your tux,
and I'll get dinner started for the kids.
Alice!
Peter, Alice isn't at your beck and call.
Now, she's getting
ready to leave. What is it?
Tiger's run away again.
I can't find him anywhere.
He's gone.
Look, we're getting ready to go out.
I can't stop to chase that hound.
Mr. Brady, you get dressed.
I'll find the dog.
He's probably after that
cute poodle next door again.
Alice, let the boys find the dog.
You're taking the day off.
Where's Greg?
He's over at Gordy's house.
He wanted me to tell you
he's gonna need a ride home.
Oh, brother.
CINDY: Alice!
BOBBY: Alice!
All right, kids, be patient.
The dog will be back.
It's not Tiger. She took my checkers!
They're my checkers!
They're mine! They are not!
Hold it! Hold it!
What are you doing?
Eating.
We'll eat after you
characters clear out of here
so that I can get dinner started.
Out, out, out. Everybody out.
( Kids arguing )
And hold it down.
Mrs. Brady, why don't you
let me feed the kids?
Alice, you shouldn't
even be here in the kitchen.
I've been lots of places
I wasn't supposed to be.
That outfit does not go with chili burgers.
MIKE: Alice!
Where's my black tie?
It's in the second drawer from the top.
I've looked there.
All right, I'll come find it.
( Phone rings )
Brady residence.
You've got to be kidding. Who is it?
Greg's at Gordy's house
and he wants a ride home.
We'll pick you up when
we take Alice to the airport.
Mom? Hold on a minute, Greg.
How's Marcia going to get home?
Marcia oh!
Greg, are you still there?
Jan, run up and wash for dinner.
Listen, Greg, we'll pick you
up when we pick Marcia up
when we take Alice to
the airport. Just stay put.
Oh, Alice, will you please
help me with dinner?
MIKE: Alice!
As soon as I find a black tie.
Well
how do I look?
Darling, you're beautiful.
BOBBY: Dad! Dad! Dad!
Don't let him touch me!
Out, out, out!
Oh! Oh!
Oh, your tuxedo!
You're a mess!
Oh, brother! Oh!
Oh, that's terrible.
Well, Alice, it's too bad
all the happy years you've been with us
had to end this way.
I guess Seattle must
look pretty good by now.
Mr. Brady, if it's all right
with you and Mrs. Brady
I think I'd like to postpone
Seattle for a while.
Alice, can you?
I think so, Mr. Brady.
That would be wonderful.
But what about downhill Auntie?
I hear she's perking up.
Oh, Alice.
I just had a thought.
Since you two have
to leave the house now
to make this act look legitimate
why don't you two go out to supper
and have some fun?
You mean you knew we were acting?
There go our Oscars.
Well, I'll tell you
when you had to go out formal
and the kids had to be fed
and the dog got lost
and Marcia needed a ride to the club
and then Greg needed a ride home
and the black tie got misplaced
I was suspicious.
But when Bobby and Peter ran in
and splattered mud on your tuxedo
I knew I was being hustled.
Alice, we were just trying
to prove something to you.
Well, you proved it all right.
If you go to all that trouble
to make me feel wanted
you really got to mean it.
Alice
you know we do. Will you stay?
Sure, I'll stay.
Alice, you're marvelous.
Absolutely the greatest!
Oh, honey.
Stop it. You're embarrassing her.
Are you kidding? I love it.
Go on, you can think of some more.
Sensational. Unforgettable.
Terrific.
Kids, she's going to stay.
( All cheering )
Good morning, Alice.
Good morning, Mr. Brady.
Good morning, Alice.
Morning, Mrs. Brady.
Alice, would you pick up
my gray suit at the cleaners?
Yes, sir. It's nice to feel needed.
And I have a shopping list
for the market, Alice.
Yes, ma'am, I'll take care
of that this morning.
By the way, my golf clubs need polishing.
Oh, that reminds me, all the
hair brushes need cleaning.
Oh, and, Alice, would you vacuum
the car? It's a mess.
I have a new arrangement
for the furniture in the living room.
( Whistles ) Yes, and another thing
Hold it! Hold it!
Nobody wants to be needed that much.