The Dana Carvey Show (1996) s01e04 Episode Script
The Diet Mug Root Beer Dana Carvey Show
1
From the ABC Broadcast Center
in New York, it's the Diet Mug
Root Beer Dana Carvey Show,
with special guest, Jan Hooks.
If
only we drank Diet Mug
Root Beer, it tastes as foamily
good as the regular
style, if we only stuck to
ABC has edited the middle
portion of this song because
of an obscene gesture
made by the fat guy on the left.
Here's our foamy diet book star,
Dana Carvey!
It's like we're celebrating.
We have cameras and wigs and we're
actually doing a show!
Thank you.
By now you probably know I asked a
question, so
Any questions from the audience about this
show or anything else in life?
Yes, sir?
How do you suggest a young actor in a
business like myself can get started?
Oh, really?
Oh, wow.
You have got a long road.
Do you like people saying you're no good?
No, you have to go through 100 rejections.
I once I once auditioned for 300 parts
and was turned down.
In fact, once my agent called me and said,
not only did they not want you for the
movie, they said when you audition,
you frighten them.
And then I go into self-loathing mode.
I don't know.
Is it just You just
have to want to do it.
You don't want to do anything else with
your life?
No.
You really want it?
That's all I do.
More than anything?
Yes.
All right.
Let's all make a silent prayer.
What's your name?
Josh.
Joshua?
Josh, yeah.
Joshua?
Okay.
Let us hold hands and pray for Joshua.
Grab your hands.
Hold hands.
Everyone hold hands now.
I said hold hands.
This is television.
I don't have time.
Let's pray for Joshua that he may get in a
fine feature film with Martin Scorsese and
not be the neighbor on a full house
reunion.
Okay.
Now, here's Regis Philbin and Kathy Lee
Gifford.
Well, anyway, are you ready for this?
Here's our show.
We're all very excited.
Here's the, uh, that's right, very
excited.
Here's the big headline from the Daily
News.
It says here, tough cop.
Our men in blue.
Yes, I'm not sure.
I'm not sure what it is, what the story
is.
Neither do I.
Neither do I.
But anyway, they're very important people
and we're glad to have them.
Very important and courageous.
Regis, I want to talk about my Easter
special.
Oh boy, here we go.
Here we go.
Now she's doing Easter.
Oh.
Suddenly I'm co-hosting with Andy
Williams.
Rage!
Gelman, why do you let her do these
things?
There's no stopping her.
Gelman, don't you start!
Yeah.
Well, good to see you two getting along.
I feel like I'm in Peyton Place with these
two.
No.
Why don't you two just get a room?
Rage!
All righty, all righty.
Now, what about my special?
So what happens?
Cody makes a doo-doo on the Easter Bunny?
Is that it?
Rage!
It's Easter!
Oh, he's with the Cody!
Every time I turn around, I've got
Oh!
All right, anyway, anyway, it's a very
important holiday.
Yes, yes, it is.
Very important.
Yes, very important.
Yes, very important.
Very important.
Very, very sacred.
So who's on?
Who's on the show?
Let us know.
Oh, we have some wonderful guests.
We have Peeple Bryson and John Davidson,
who's so lovely.
Wow, all the biggies.
Rage!
Sorry, sorry.
It wasn't called for.
We have some wonderful musical numbers.
Oh, Rage, and I have a clip of one.
Oh, here we go.
Gelman, save me!
Oh.
It's out of my hands.
So now you're Gelman!
Now you're using the show to plug your
outside projects.
Rage, come on.
It's a beautiful song.
All right, all right.
Fine, it's Kathy Lee's Easter special.
Let's roll the clip.
I didn't evolve from you.
I evolved from Jesus.
We're two different species.
I don't eat my own feces.
You're not of my genus.
That's why you don't cover your penis.
Guys, I didn't evolve from you.
I evolved from Jesus.
Both of us come from God.
But I don't come from you.
Wonderful experience.
Anyway, so you don't believe in evolution.
No, I don't feel that we're directly
descended.
Suddenly, I'm co-hosting with Pat
Buchanan.
Rich, it's a good show.
Easy, all right, all right.
Enough about the show.
You work here.
Remember, here.
Gellman, tell her.
There's a phone call for you, Regis.
David Letterman.
What?
David Letterman's on the phone for Regis
Feldman?
David Letterman's calling me.
Hello, Dave.
Can I put you on speakerphone and talk on
the air?
No?
Oh, that's okay.
Okay, fine.
What's new?
It's David Letterman.
David?
So you want me on the show?
Okay, what do I do?
You want me to dress up as a mashed
potato?
Okay.
And jump into a bowl of gravy?
Okay, sounds good.
And I can run through the crowd and throw
in my exercise video, right?
Uh, no.
Okay, fine, fine.
But you'll introduce me.
No.
Okay, sure.
But you can see my face in the potato
suit.
You can't see my face.
Okay.
But there's a hole for me to breathe in,
right?
You're not sure.
Okay.
Well, what time do you need me?
Right now?
Well, I'm kind of busy.
Anyway, I'm right in the middle of a show,
Dave.
It has to be now.
Okay, I'll be right What?
Yes, one turkey sandwich on whole wheat.
Mayo, lettuce, no tomato.
Okay, you got it.
Okay, yes, I'll hurry.
Okay.
Gotta go, gotta go.
David Letterman's calling.
Riggs!
Riggs!
We're doing the show!
It's not Riggs!
David Letterman's calling!
No, come back here, Riggs!
David Letterman's calling.
Coming through.
Sorry, ma'am.
David Letterman's calling.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Coming through.
Dave's calling.
I need a turkey sandwich, lettuce,
mayo, wheat bread, no tomato!
Hurry up, it's for Letterman!
Coming through.
David Letterman's calling.
Turkey sandwich, no tomato.
Riggs!
Carol Channing, good to see you.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Glad to see you.
Oh, how's Kathie Lee?
Kathie Lee's fine.
She was so sweet to me.
He's a very sweet lady.
Oh, did you give Kathie Lee
a nice I will, that's terrific.
Big soft wet.
I will.
I've really got to go, Carol.
You'll do that.
I've really got to go.
All right.
Where are you going, sweetie?
David Letterman's calling.
I must be going.
Oh, I love David Letterman.
Yes, David Letterman.
Oh, he's the kindest, most
patient I can't talk to you.
the dearest man.
I've got to chew my leg off.
Hey, let me get that.
Thank you, sir.
Here's five dollars.
Got to go.
David Letterman's calling.
Coming through.
Coming through.
Hey, hey, buddy.
I've got to go.
David's calling.
No problem.
No problem.
Easy, fella.
I'm just trying to find Dave.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
David Letterman.
David Letterman!
Oh!
Coming through.
David Letterman calling.
David Oh!
David Letterman calling.
Oh!
Got to go.
I can't Oh!
There it is.
David Letterman's in there.
David Letterman called me.
I've got to get in.
He wants me in a mashed potato suit.
I'm sorry.
I know nothing about this.
I've got to get in, I'm telling you.
You can't get in.
Look out.
I've got to get in.
There's got to be a way.
I can't
Get to see Dave.
Get back.
What?
Get back.
Tony Randall, what are you doing?
Get back.
Get back.
I'm going to go see Dave.
No, sir.
You don't understand.
It's my turn.
No, sir.
It's my turn.
It's my turn in the potato suit.
I'm on whatever I want to be and not you.
Let go.
I'm going to fall.
I'm going to die.
You deserve to fall and die.
Get back.
Get back.
I'll be in the potato suit.
Get back.
I'm out of control.
Regis Filmin here.
I'm ready to see David Letterman.
Did you bring the sandwich?
Yeah, I did a sandwich.
Now which way to the potato suit?
It's in the lobby.
Very good.
In the lobby.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Help me in the potato suit.
Help me.
Help me in the suit.
Oh, man.
You know, Paul, I'm thinking.
I look over there.
We got the giant vat of gravy.
Vat of gravy.
Oh, man.
You know what goes great with the gravy,
don't you?
Of course I do.
Spuds.
Spuds.
Mashed potatoes.
Mashed potatoes.
Oh, I can't get enough of the mashed
potatoes.
How you doing?
It's Oh, this
will be something.
Easy.
Watch yourself.
Careful.
They love you.
They love you.
They love you.
We're back with Kato Kalin in his first
television appearance.
Besides
Besides Barbara Walters hard copy and
hosting Talk Soup.
Kato, what at all do you remember from
that night?
Well, I was on the phone, right?
And it was There was, you
know, there's like, what was that?
You know?
And there were three bumps?
Like that?
And so I go, O.J., you know, somebody's
here?
And he's like, I don't know, because I
said, let's check it out.
And he's like, weird over there,
and that's not the way he goes.
That way.
And I'm not sure what he's that
happened.
And he's going like, you know,
and there's the time he missed his flight.
And what was his mood like?
What was the vibe?
How did he handle himself?
Well, uh, yeah, yes, yes.
It was like, um, really, yes, weird.
It was like, oh, okay thing, and not like,
oh, what?
You know, it was like, oh, you know,
it was like, oh, okay.
Yes, it was like, oh, okay.
Yes, yes.
Don't you see, man?
Don't you see that I'm trying to help you?
Can't you see that it's me trying to help
you?
Don't you see that, Kato?
Don't you see?
See?
See?
See?
See?
Kato, my friend, I want to help you.
Thanks, thank you.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you
right here, right now, in
front of everyone right
here, do you think O.J.
Simpson killed Nicole?
Kato.
Oh.
Yes.
Okay, Kato, we have a caller.
Hello?
Hello, Geraldo.
This is O.J.
Simpson.
I am appalled by what Kato is saying.
Juice, my poor, sad, deluded black
brother.
Do you not see you only have yourself to
blame?
Yeah, listen, Geraldo, you're breaking up.
I'm on my car phone.
Hold on, I'll be there in just a second.
Uh, Geraldo, I don't think O.J.
did it anymore.
Shut up, idiot.
Now, I-I don't understand why you're
talking to Kato about this.
Why don't you talk to me?
Don't you want to know the truth?
Okay, Juice, I'm glad you're here.
Now, here's a chance to answer a straight
question.
Where were you when this crime was
happening?
Geraldo, I've said it before, and I'll say
it again.
Watch the tape.
Buy my tape.
It will explain everything.
For just $29.95, you can know the truth.
But nobody's buying the tape.
Of course, no one is buying the tape,
O.J.
It's offensive.
Don't you want to know what happened?
If you want to know what happened,
watch the tape.
Okay, okay, let's-let's see the tape.
Donny?
I did it.
I killed my wife.
I killed them both.
That's the truth.
And I'll show you how I did it.
Come on.
Now, Marsha Clark and Chris Darden have
their theories about the timeline.
Let me tell you what really happened.
Now, let's start with 9.05.
I get dressed, and I get ready to go kill
my wife.
9.17, I tell the driver
to hurry up, get my car
earlier, because I need
to go kill my wife first.
Okay.
9.22, Kato says, hey, O.J., don't kill
your wife.
9.33, I tell Kato I'll buy
him a cheeseburger if you
don't tell anyone that
I'm going to kill my wife.
9.34, Kato says to me, make it a Big Mac,
and you can kill all the wives you want.
Well, whoever wrote that sketch is going
straight to hell.
The Diet Madruthi at Dana Carvey Show
presents Germans Who Say Nice Things.
This is delicious.
I must have your recipe.
You at the World
Order looks like a pony.
You're once, twice, three times a lady.
Would you mind signing my yearbook?
Surprise!
I'm your secret Santa.
I'd give anything for your cheekbones.
Last night, we watched a very special
episode of Blossom, and we cry!
This concludes C-SPAN's coverage of Senator
Daniel Patrick Moynihan brushing his teeth.
We now take you to the Washington Hilton,
where the National Publishers Association
is holding a dinner in honor of President
Clinton.
Now, let me tell you something else right
now.
Judging from the polls,
it looks like Speaker
Gingrich will have to
balance more than his budget.
I mean, because, see, he'll have to
balance his weight as well.
Okay, tough room.
Now, I just want to say that we all know
that last week there was some
embarrassment when I had Don Imus address
our annual dinner.
And I just, I like his
radio show, but I guess
it just didn't translate
or something like that.
Anyway, I think this week I've
got someone who's got an even
funnier radio show, and I
know you're going to love him.
And let's please welcome Mr. Howard Stern.
Thank you, Mr. President.
It is an honor to be here in your
presence, even though you're a dope.
President.
No, but I admire Bill Clinton.
I mean, this is a guy
who's got more women in
the last 20 minutes
than I've had in 20 years.
And if you don't believe me, look under
the dais.
Let me tell you something.
Calm down, Bill.
That's a good job.
Let me tell you something.
This guy must get some hot action.
Lucky bastard.
All right, very good.
Look, obviously, obviously Bill and
Hillary have a great marriage.
Poof!
Hey, Hillary, let me tell you something.
I think you are so hot.
What are you, a D cup?
I'm talking about your ass.
Look, well, uh
Look, at least Bill over here knows how to
have a good time.
That's right.
Unlike some of the other stiffs up here.
Sandra Day O'Connor.
I bet you got cobwebs in your panties.
I mean
Look, this is a woman who hasn't gotten
any since they passed Roe v.
Wade.
Hold on.
I think
I think that's enough.
That was just great.
Thank you.
Look, wait.
I got 20 more minutes on lesbians.
20 minutes on lesbians?
Yeah.
All right, would you call me and leave it
on my machine at home, okay?
All right.
All right, folks.
Now That was Howard Scherner.
I thought it was gonna do it.
Now Folks, well, I guess I
guess that didn't really translate either.
But don't worry.
I've got some solid American entertainment
for you.
Here's a fella who I know you're gonna
like.
Please welcome the Human Garbage Disposal.
C-SPAN will resume its coverage of the
National Publishers Association dinner
for President Clinton, still in progress.
I'm sorry, but what the hell is wrong with
you people?
That's good stuff.
Those are good things right there.
Listen to me.
I'm your president, and I'm a human being.
I mean, I like sex.
There.
I said it.
Doesn't mean I'm a bad president or a bad
person.
I like sex.
I like sex.
Not stinky sex.
All right?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a horny
president.
I'm a horndog.
I'm a horn, horn, horny president.
That's right.
But I'm a good president.
I have a large, oversized head.
I have big chunking thighs that rub
together.
But I'm a good man.
And I'm a horny president.
That's right.
For FDR, I was a horny man.
Eisenhower, JFK, all horny presidents.
Effective in their own way.
Richard Nixon, not a horny president.
Had to resign.
But I'm not going to pass judgment.
Ed Koch, asexual.
Doesn't want to touch anything that's warm
or moves.
That's his choice.
I like talking about Bosnia.
I like dealing with a line item veto.
And I like sex.
I'm a horny man, but I'm a good president.
I like sex.
I like stinky sex.
But I'm also a good president.
I'm a good man.
I like looking at chesty love.
And I'm a good friend.
C-SPAN will continue coverage of the
presidential nervous breakdown after this thing.
I'm sliding, stinky, hot sex.
But I'm a good man.
I want to thank my very special guest,
Ms. Jan Hooks.
And thanks for watching.
We'll see you next week.
Good night.
Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior,
does not want you to wear shoes.
How many days?
Take off your shoes because
Jesus I'll be there in a minute, Dave.
I'm on my way.
Jesus is also on his way.
From the ABC Broadcast Center
in New York, it's the Diet Mug
Root Beer Dana Carvey Show,
with special guest, Jan Hooks.
If
only we drank Diet Mug
Root Beer, it tastes as foamily
good as the regular
style, if we only stuck to
ABC has edited the middle
portion of this song because
of an obscene gesture
made by the fat guy on the left.
Here's our foamy diet book star,
Dana Carvey!
It's like we're celebrating.
We have cameras and wigs and we're
actually doing a show!
Thank you.
By now you probably know I asked a
question, so
Any questions from the audience about this
show or anything else in life?
Yes, sir?
How do you suggest a young actor in a
business like myself can get started?
Oh, really?
Oh, wow.
You have got a long road.
Do you like people saying you're no good?
No, you have to go through 100 rejections.
I once I once auditioned for 300 parts
and was turned down.
In fact, once my agent called me and said,
not only did they not want you for the
movie, they said when you audition,
you frighten them.
And then I go into self-loathing mode.
I don't know.
Is it just You just
have to want to do it.
You don't want to do anything else with
your life?
No.
You really want it?
That's all I do.
More than anything?
Yes.
All right.
Let's all make a silent prayer.
What's your name?
Josh.
Joshua?
Josh, yeah.
Joshua?
Okay.
Let us hold hands and pray for Joshua.
Grab your hands.
Hold hands.
Everyone hold hands now.
I said hold hands.
This is television.
I don't have time.
Let's pray for Joshua that he may get in a
fine feature film with Martin Scorsese and
not be the neighbor on a full house
reunion.
Okay.
Now, here's Regis Philbin and Kathy Lee
Gifford.
Well, anyway, are you ready for this?
Here's our show.
We're all very excited.
Here's the, uh, that's right, very
excited.
Here's the big headline from the Daily
News.
It says here, tough cop.
Our men in blue.
Yes, I'm not sure.
I'm not sure what it is, what the story
is.
Neither do I.
Neither do I.
But anyway, they're very important people
and we're glad to have them.
Very important and courageous.
Regis, I want to talk about my Easter
special.
Oh boy, here we go.
Here we go.
Now she's doing Easter.
Oh.
Suddenly I'm co-hosting with Andy
Williams.
Rage!
Gelman, why do you let her do these
things?
There's no stopping her.
Gelman, don't you start!
Yeah.
Well, good to see you two getting along.
I feel like I'm in Peyton Place with these
two.
No.
Why don't you two just get a room?
Rage!
All righty, all righty.
Now, what about my special?
So what happens?
Cody makes a doo-doo on the Easter Bunny?
Is that it?
Rage!
It's Easter!
Oh, he's with the Cody!
Every time I turn around, I've got
Oh!
All right, anyway, anyway, it's a very
important holiday.
Yes, yes, it is.
Very important.
Yes, very important.
Yes, very important.
Very important.
Very, very sacred.
So who's on?
Who's on the show?
Let us know.
Oh, we have some wonderful guests.
We have Peeple Bryson and John Davidson,
who's so lovely.
Wow, all the biggies.
Rage!
Sorry, sorry.
It wasn't called for.
We have some wonderful musical numbers.
Oh, Rage, and I have a clip of one.
Oh, here we go.
Gelman, save me!
Oh.
It's out of my hands.
So now you're Gelman!
Now you're using the show to plug your
outside projects.
Rage, come on.
It's a beautiful song.
All right, all right.
Fine, it's Kathy Lee's Easter special.
Let's roll the clip.
I didn't evolve from you.
I evolved from Jesus.
We're two different species.
I don't eat my own feces.
You're not of my genus.
That's why you don't cover your penis.
Guys, I didn't evolve from you.
I evolved from Jesus.
Both of us come from God.
But I don't come from you.
Wonderful experience.
Anyway, so you don't believe in evolution.
No, I don't feel that we're directly
descended.
Suddenly, I'm co-hosting with Pat
Buchanan.
Rich, it's a good show.
Easy, all right, all right.
Enough about the show.
You work here.
Remember, here.
Gellman, tell her.
There's a phone call for you, Regis.
David Letterman.
What?
David Letterman's on the phone for Regis
Feldman?
David Letterman's calling me.
Hello, Dave.
Can I put you on speakerphone and talk on
the air?
No?
Oh, that's okay.
Okay, fine.
What's new?
It's David Letterman.
David?
So you want me on the show?
Okay, what do I do?
You want me to dress up as a mashed
potato?
Okay.
And jump into a bowl of gravy?
Okay, sounds good.
And I can run through the crowd and throw
in my exercise video, right?
Uh, no.
Okay, fine, fine.
But you'll introduce me.
No.
Okay, sure.
But you can see my face in the potato
suit.
You can't see my face.
Okay.
But there's a hole for me to breathe in,
right?
You're not sure.
Okay.
Well, what time do you need me?
Right now?
Well, I'm kind of busy.
Anyway, I'm right in the middle of a show,
Dave.
It has to be now.
Okay, I'll be right What?
Yes, one turkey sandwich on whole wheat.
Mayo, lettuce, no tomato.
Okay, you got it.
Okay, yes, I'll hurry.
Okay.
Gotta go, gotta go.
David Letterman's calling.
Riggs!
Riggs!
We're doing the show!
It's not Riggs!
David Letterman's calling!
No, come back here, Riggs!
David Letterman's calling.
Coming through.
Sorry, ma'am.
David Letterman's calling.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Coming through.
Dave's calling.
I need a turkey sandwich, lettuce,
mayo, wheat bread, no tomato!
Hurry up, it's for Letterman!
Coming through.
David Letterman's calling.
Turkey sandwich, no tomato.
Riggs!
Carol Channing, good to see you.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Glad to see you.
Oh, how's Kathie Lee?
Kathie Lee's fine.
She was so sweet to me.
He's a very sweet lady.
Oh, did you give Kathie Lee
a nice I will, that's terrific.
Big soft wet.
I will.
I've really got to go, Carol.
You'll do that.
I've really got to go.
All right.
Where are you going, sweetie?
David Letterman's calling.
I must be going.
Oh, I love David Letterman.
Yes, David Letterman.
Oh, he's the kindest, most
patient I can't talk to you.
the dearest man.
I've got to chew my leg off.
Hey, let me get that.
Thank you, sir.
Here's five dollars.
Got to go.
David Letterman's calling.
Coming through.
Coming through.
Hey, hey, buddy.
I've got to go.
David's calling.
No problem.
No problem.
Easy, fella.
I'm just trying to find Dave.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
David Letterman.
David Letterman!
Oh!
Coming through.
David Letterman calling.
David Oh!
David Letterman calling.
Oh!
Got to go.
I can't Oh!
There it is.
David Letterman's in there.
David Letterman called me.
I've got to get in.
He wants me in a mashed potato suit.
I'm sorry.
I know nothing about this.
I've got to get in, I'm telling you.
You can't get in.
Look out.
I've got to get in.
There's got to be a way.
I can't
Get to see Dave.
Get back.
What?
Get back.
Tony Randall, what are you doing?
Get back.
Get back.
I'm going to go see Dave.
No, sir.
You don't understand.
It's my turn.
No, sir.
It's my turn.
It's my turn in the potato suit.
I'm on whatever I want to be and not you.
Let go.
I'm going to fall.
I'm going to die.
You deserve to fall and die.
Get back.
Get back.
I'll be in the potato suit.
Get back.
I'm out of control.
Regis Filmin here.
I'm ready to see David Letterman.
Did you bring the sandwich?
Yeah, I did a sandwich.
Now which way to the potato suit?
It's in the lobby.
Very good.
In the lobby.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Help me in the potato suit.
Help me.
Help me in the suit.
Oh, man.
You know, Paul, I'm thinking.
I look over there.
We got the giant vat of gravy.
Vat of gravy.
Oh, man.
You know what goes great with the gravy,
don't you?
Of course I do.
Spuds.
Spuds.
Mashed potatoes.
Mashed potatoes.
Oh, I can't get enough of the mashed
potatoes.
How you doing?
It's Oh, this
will be something.
Easy.
Watch yourself.
Careful.
They love you.
They love you.
They love you.
We're back with Kato Kalin in his first
television appearance.
Besides
Besides Barbara Walters hard copy and
hosting Talk Soup.
Kato, what at all do you remember from
that night?
Well, I was on the phone, right?
And it was There was, you
know, there's like, what was that?
You know?
And there were three bumps?
Like that?
And so I go, O.J., you know, somebody's
here?
And he's like, I don't know, because I
said, let's check it out.
And he's like, weird over there,
and that's not the way he goes.
That way.
And I'm not sure what he's that
happened.
And he's going like, you know,
and there's the time he missed his flight.
And what was his mood like?
What was the vibe?
How did he handle himself?
Well, uh, yeah, yes, yes.
It was like, um, really, yes, weird.
It was like, oh, okay thing, and not like,
oh, what?
You know, it was like, oh, you know,
it was like, oh, okay.
Yes, it was like, oh, okay.
Yes, yes.
Don't you see, man?
Don't you see that I'm trying to help you?
Can't you see that it's me trying to help
you?
Don't you see that, Kato?
Don't you see?
See?
See?
See?
See?
Kato, my friend, I want to help you.
Thanks, thank you.
Okay, I'm gonna ask you
right here, right now, in
front of everyone right
here, do you think O.J.
Simpson killed Nicole?
Kato.
Oh.
Yes.
Okay, Kato, we have a caller.
Hello?
Hello, Geraldo.
This is O.J.
Simpson.
I am appalled by what Kato is saying.
Juice, my poor, sad, deluded black
brother.
Do you not see you only have yourself to
blame?
Yeah, listen, Geraldo, you're breaking up.
I'm on my car phone.
Hold on, I'll be there in just a second.
Uh, Geraldo, I don't think O.J.
did it anymore.
Shut up, idiot.
Now, I-I don't understand why you're
talking to Kato about this.
Why don't you talk to me?
Don't you want to know the truth?
Okay, Juice, I'm glad you're here.
Now, here's a chance to answer a straight
question.
Where were you when this crime was
happening?
Geraldo, I've said it before, and I'll say
it again.
Watch the tape.
Buy my tape.
It will explain everything.
For just $29.95, you can know the truth.
But nobody's buying the tape.
Of course, no one is buying the tape,
O.J.
It's offensive.
Don't you want to know what happened?
If you want to know what happened,
watch the tape.
Okay, okay, let's-let's see the tape.
Donny?
I did it.
I killed my wife.
I killed them both.
That's the truth.
And I'll show you how I did it.
Come on.
Now, Marsha Clark and Chris Darden have
their theories about the timeline.
Let me tell you what really happened.
Now, let's start with 9.05.
I get dressed, and I get ready to go kill
my wife.
9.17, I tell the driver
to hurry up, get my car
earlier, because I need
to go kill my wife first.
Okay.
9.22, Kato says, hey, O.J., don't kill
your wife.
9.33, I tell Kato I'll buy
him a cheeseburger if you
don't tell anyone that
I'm going to kill my wife.
9.34, Kato says to me, make it a Big Mac,
and you can kill all the wives you want.
Well, whoever wrote that sketch is going
straight to hell.
The Diet Madruthi at Dana Carvey Show
presents Germans Who Say Nice Things.
This is delicious.
I must have your recipe.
You at the World
Order looks like a pony.
You're once, twice, three times a lady.
Would you mind signing my yearbook?
Surprise!
I'm your secret Santa.
I'd give anything for your cheekbones.
Last night, we watched a very special
episode of Blossom, and we cry!
This concludes C-SPAN's coverage of Senator
Daniel Patrick Moynihan brushing his teeth.
We now take you to the Washington Hilton,
where the National Publishers Association
is holding a dinner in honor of President
Clinton.
Now, let me tell you something else right
now.
Judging from the polls,
it looks like Speaker
Gingrich will have to
balance more than his budget.
I mean, because, see, he'll have to
balance his weight as well.
Okay, tough room.
Now, I just want to say that we all know
that last week there was some
embarrassment when I had Don Imus address
our annual dinner.
And I just, I like his
radio show, but I guess
it just didn't translate
or something like that.
Anyway, I think this week I've
got someone who's got an even
funnier radio show, and I
know you're going to love him.
And let's please welcome Mr. Howard Stern.
Thank you, Mr. President.
It is an honor to be here in your
presence, even though you're a dope.
President.
No, but I admire Bill Clinton.
I mean, this is a guy
who's got more women in
the last 20 minutes
than I've had in 20 years.
And if you don't believe me, look under
the dais.
Let me tell you something.
Calm down, Bill.
That's a good job.
Let me tell you something.
This guy must get some hot action.
Lucky bastard.
All right, very good.
Look, obviously, obviously Bill and
Hillary have a great marriage.
Poof!
Hey, Hillary, let me tell you something.
I think you are so hot.
What are you, a D cup?
I'm talking about your ass.
Look, well, uh
Look, at least Bill over here knows how to
have a good time.
That's right.
Unlike some of the other stiffs up here.
Sandra Day O'Connor.
I bet you got cobwebs in your panties.
I mean
Look, this is a woman who hasn't gotten
any since they passed Roe v.
Wade.
Hold on.
I think
I think that's enough.
That was just great.
Thank you.
Look, wait.
I got 20 more minutes on lesbians.
20 minutes on lesbians?
Yeah.
All right, would you call me and leave it
on my machine at home, okay?
All right.
All right, folks.
Now That was Howard Scherner.
I thought it was gonna do it.
Now Folks, well, I guess I
guess that didn't really translate either.
But don't worry.
I've got some solid American entertainment
for you.
Here's a fella who I know you're gonna
like.
Please welcome the Human Garbage Disposal.
C-SPAN will resume its coverage of the
National Publishers Association dinner
for President Clinton, still in progress.
I'm sorry, but what the hell is wrong with
you people?
That's good stuff.
Those are good things right there.
Listen to me.
I'm your president, and I'm a human being.
I mean, I like sex.
There.
I said it.
Doesn't mean I'm a bad president or a bad
person.
I like sex.
I like sex.
Not stinky sex.
All right?
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a horny
president.
I'm a horndog.
I'm a horn, horn, horny president.
That's right.
But I'm a good president.
I have a large, oversized head.
I have big chunking thighs that rub
together.
But I'm a good man.
And I'm a horny president.
That's right.
For FDR, I was a horny man.
Eisenhower, JFK, all horny presidents.
Effective in their own way.
Richard Nixon, not a horny president.
Had to resign.
But I'm not going to pass judgment.
Ed Koch, asexual.
Doesn't want to touch anything that's warm
or moves.
That's his choice.
I like talking about Bosnia.
I like dealing with a line item veto.
And I like sex.
I'm a horny man, but I'm a good president.
I like sex.
I like stinky sex.
But I'm also a good president.
I'm a good man.
I like looking at chesty love.
And I'm a good friend.
C-SPAN will continue coverage of the
presidential nervous breakdown after this thing.
I'm sliding, stinky, hot sex.
But I'm a good man.
I want to thank my very special guest,
Ms. Jan Hooks.
And thanks for watching.
We'll see you next week.
Good night.
Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior,
does not want you to wear shoes.
How many days?
Take off your shoes because
Jesus I'll be there in a minute, Dave.
I'm on my way.
Jesus is also on his way.