The Goes Wrong Show (2019) s01e04 Episode Script

1
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Welcome back
to Play of the Week,
where each week a new play
is performed live in front of
a studio audience
here in Cornley,
and broadcast
to the nation.
I am Chris Bean,
the director.
-[CHUCKLES]
-[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Tonight, we are
going to present
a truly frightening horror.
Last Halloween,
we presented a season
of spooky stage adaptations,
but regrettably,
due to misprints on
our publicity materials,
we ended up presenting
a rather underwhelming
production
of The Texas Chainsaw
Massager
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
In which a masked man
went on a rampage,
giving back rubs
to the local community.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Equally poorly received,
was our pajama-based production
of Nightwear on Elm Street.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
But we're going to put
all that behind us tonight.
One tiny note,
when we did our dress rehearsal,
the play ran very smoothly,
but just a touch too short
for its timeslot.
But do not fear,
we have managed to make up
those missing three minutes
with the subtle use
of additional adjectives.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So, the actors are prepared.
The stage is set.
Please enjoy The Lodge.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR CREAKS]
Oh! What an unusual,
creepy, old, big,
large blue house.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Alice! Come in
out the rain, please!
Oh, wow!
This place is amazing.
Well, it's not very homely.
So, how would you like to
make this all yours?
Grade-two listed
detached family home,
built 1726,
every detail of it
immaculately renovated
in 1931.
Period fixtures
and fittings
throughout
Almost everything here
is an antique,
so please,
do be careful.
Pretty nice. [SIGHS]
How many bedrooms?
Three. A large,
impressive, spacious,
elegant, commanding,
beautiful ensuite
for yourselves.
A cozy, warm,
welcome, nice, bright,
safe single for Alice
and a small, sweet,
snug, petite, pretty little
compact, neat,
charming single.
Perfect for the little one
on the way.
[BALLOON BURSTS]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Well, that sounds great.
Believe me,
you guys do not
want to miss out
on this opportunity.
Well, I'm convinced.
David, he's just
a good salesman.
Shall we take a look
in the kitchen?
Are you sure
this place is safe?
It looks a bit rickety,
all these old beams.
Oh, of course it's safe.
They built this
in the days when they
made things to last.
As you can see,
a fully fitted kitchen.
DAVID: Oh, it's lovely.
I suppose I quite
like the tiles.
Yes, can I
pour you a tea?
Yes, please.
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
[SIPS TEA] Oh, that is nice.
Let's go back into
the living room.
Here we are.
What on Earth
is that?
DAVID: Good Lord, yes.
Oh, pay no attention to that.
It belongs to Mr. Fortenoy.
Don't worry. It won't
be here when you move in.
-Now?
-No, not now,
wait for your cue.
Mummy, look
what I've got!
Alice! What have I
told you about running off
without an adult?
I was skipping with
the other little girl.
What other little girl?
ALICE: Outside.
There's no one there.
ALICE: [LAUGHS]
Yes, there is.
She gave me this.
How odd, strange,
bizarre, and weird.
Where did you find that?
She must have found it
in the spacious, impressive,
verdant, green garden
surrounding the unusual,
creepy, old, big,
large blue house.
No, Mummy.
There was a little girl.
Alice, how old are you?
Seven.
And is that
your skipping rope?
Yes.
Why don't you show
Tony what you can do?
-Can you do any tricks?
-No.
How would you like
to see your new room?
Can I?
Don't forget your new doll.
That's strange.
It's gone.
Well, it can't
have gone far.
Come on, Alice,
I'll race you.
[ALICE GIGGLING]
[SCREAMS]
[TONY SCREAMS]
[THUDS]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Well, it really is
coming down out there.
So what do you think?
I still don't know, David.
I mean, there's something
about this place that just
gives me the creeps,
and it seems
unusually cheap
for three bedrooms.
That's the advantage
of being a few miles
further out.
-[SIGHS]
-[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
Damn lights have blown.
Damn lights have blown.
DAVID: It's just a fuse.
EMMA: Or this place
is cheap because it's old
and nothing works.
Good evening.
Sorry, I didn't
mean to scare you.
Oh, no.
Not at all.
I'm Albert Fortenoy.
DAVID: The vendor?
Unfortunately, yes.
"Unfortunately"?
I wish I didn't
have to sell.
My dear wife Vera
passed away 30 years ago.
Thirty years ago today, in fact.
I can no longer afford
the upkeep all on my own.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Well, it's
a beautiful house.
Thank you.
I've lived here
All my life!
I feel very safe here.
It's been in the family
since it was built.
Passed down for gen
Passed down.
Passed
Passed down.
Pa Passed down.
Passed down!
Passed down for generations!
If these walls could talk,
think of the stories
they'd tell.
In fact, sometimes,
I think they can.
Sometimes, I think
I hear them whisper.
MAN OVER PA: Stand by
for sound-cue seven.
Well, thank you very much
for having us.
I think we've seen
everything we need to see.
We'd best get going.
Yes, dear.
Come along, Alice!
Well, don't rush off
on my account.
It's getting rather late.
And there is
A storm coming!
Sound-cue seven!
-[THUNDER RUMBLING]
-Yeah.
No, we really
ought to make a move.
It's a fair drive home.
I'll bring the car round.
Well, before you go,
let's talk about
making an offer.
[CHUCKLES]
Whoa!
Oh! Oh, no!
[SCREAMING]
That's odd.
-What is?
-Car won't start.
What a damn nuisance.
We'll have to call someone.
You'll never get
a mechanic to come
all the way
out here now, dear.
[SCREAMING] Get out!
Get out!
No! No! Not now!
She said, "Now, deer."
Wait for your cue!
So what do we do now?
Well, it looks like
you'll have to
stay the night.
Oh, no, no, no,
we wouldn't want to
be an imposition.
It's no trouble at all.
Besides, in this weather,
what choice do you have,
but to stay
at the lodge.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
He's got a point.
It's far too far
to walk back to town.
Well, that's
very kind of you.
Oh, please, it'll be good
to have the company.
There's plenty of room.
Thank you.
The little one can stay in
Vera's cozy, warm, welcoming,
bright, nice, safe study.
Help yourself to
anything in the kitchen
and there's some
old nightclothes
in the airing cupboard.
You have free run
of the house.
Although, you should be aware,
Fortenoy Lodge has
a few little quirks
which I'm sure
you'll discover.
But then again,
don't we all?
[CHUCKLES]
Sleep well.
[LAUGHS]
[MOTOR STOPS]
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
[SCREAMING]
[LAUGHING AWKWARDLY]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
[ACTORS TALKING
HURRIEDLY IN WHISPERS]
[ACTORS TALKING
HURRIEDLY IN WHISPERS]
Is she asleep?
Out like a light.
DAVID: No. No.
No bother?
Some nonsense about
another little girl
in the mirror.
That girl's imagination.
It will be good once
she's got a little brother
to play with.
[BALLOON BURSTS]
Yes.
Well, anyway,
she's fast asleep now.
I made the bed up.
Oh, thank you, dear.
Get out!
Get out!
No! No!
What are you doing?
She said, "Cue deer."
She said,
"Thank you, dear."
-Get out! Get out!
-No! No! Shut up!
I will give you
a visual cue.
I really don't like
that Mr. Fortenoy.
He gives me the creeps.
I'm sure he's just
a bit eccentric.
Imagine being alone
in this place all these years.
Anyway, time for bed.
Looks like
we're bunking in
with Tony tonight.
No, no, no, no. Tony!
Tony? Time for bed.
Fast asleep.
Fast asleep!
Fast asleep.
Chuck a blanket over him.
Oh, for goodness sake,
all right.
David, uh, look at this.
A newspaper article
from 1937.
God, there's
dozens of them.
Fourth of June 1948,
"Vicar's daughter
missing from school,
presumed dead." David,
her doll looks just like
the one Alice found earlier.
Every single page
catalogued in perfect order,
all detailing people
who've just vanished
right up until the present day.
Why would he
keep all of this?
I'm sure there's
a perfectly reasonable
explanation.
I knew there was
something odd
about that man.
What do you think
he's doing up there?
He's probably trying
to get some sleep,
and I'd like to do the same.
Ever since we've arrived,
I have had a bad feeling
about this place.
Get away from there!
David, I can see him!
[BLABBERING]
What are you doing?
Get out. We're in
the middle of filming.
All right.
David! He's doing something
very strange in there.
It's some sort of ritual.
It's not our place to judge
a man's religious beliefs.
I'm sure there's
nothing to worry about.
Yes, I'm Oh!
Yes, I
I'm sure you're right.
Gosh!
It really is
coming down out there.
Then just be glad
we're inside.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[VOICES WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[GRAMOPHONE PLAYING
EERIE MUSIC]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
[GASPS]
FORTENOY: Only me.
Only me.
What are you doing
up at this hour?
I thought I heard
a strange noise.
It's most likely a bat.
They often flit about
the place at night.
You know, in this light,
you remind me a little
of my Vera.
She and I always
wanted a child.
When is it due?
Um
Any day now.
[BALLOON BURSTS]
I'd give anything
to see my Vera again.
To have her safely back at
The lodge.
Perhaps I will see her again.
-[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
-There it is! The lodge!
Perhaps, I will
see her again.
One day.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
What was that?
It came from Vera's cozy,
warm, welcoming, nice,
bright, safe study.
Oh! Oh my God, Alice?
David, wake up!
[SCREAMING]
She's missing.
Oh my God!
Get out!
-Get out!
-No! No, what are you doing?
You touched your nose.
I was acting!
Very convincing.
We must search the house.
Where is she?
What have you done
with our daughter?
Nothing at all.
David, let's not jump
to any conclusions.
-Mummy.
-[GASPS]
Why is everyone shouting?
Oh, Alice, thank God!
Come here, my darling!
[STRAINED VOICE]
Mummy's got you.
Mummy has got you.
It's all going to be okay.
Where were you?
I was just talking
to the other little girl.
Alice, stop making things up.
There is no other little girl.
[CHUCKLES] Yes, there is.
She's the Vicar's daughter,
and she told me
Tony needs help.
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm sorry.
He's dead.
[SNEEZES]
Alice, go to your room.
-[SCREAMS]
-[THUDS]
You'll be safe in there.
The man was clearly unwell.
He'd been
taking those pills
since we arrived.
Let's afford the man
a little dignity at least.
Let's all go back to bed.
We can call the police
in the mor
-Whoo!
-Let's all go back to bed,
and we can call
the police in the morning.
What on Earth
are you talking about?
We can't wait
till morning.
Wait Stop it.
Stop it!
We can't wait until morning.
We need to call them now.
Hello? Yes, police.
I'd like to report a death.
Would they even
risk coming out
in a storm like this?
[SIGHS IN RELIEF]
Oh!
We think it may
have been an overdose.
Yes, the address
is Fortenoy Lodge,
ten miles outside of
Hello?
Hello?
It's gone dead.
-You've cut the line.
-Yes, I have!
Nothing can be done
for Tony now.
How can you be
so callous?
A man has died.
[GASPS]
Oh my God, he's gone!
Vera has taken him.
That's why you cut the line.
That's why you cut
That's why you cut the line.
That's why you cut the line!
And you've sabotaged our car.
Tony could never have
left this place alive.
Nor can anyone,
for that matter.
Not when my Vera's life
depends on it.
What are you
talking about, man?
There really is nothing
I wouldn't do to see
my wife again.
And when enough blood
has been spilled,
my Vera shall return.
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
[GUN CLICKS]
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
[BLABBERING]
[SCREAMING]
Bang!
Not long now, my love!
Soon we shall be reunited.
Ha-ha!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Emma! Tie him
to the chair,
I've got him!
No, you haven't!
-Yes, I have!
-No, you haven't.
You have to
let me get you.
If you want to get me,
you've got to get me,
come on!
Stop that.
Get in the chair!
You're weak, Chris.
[GRUNTS]
Sorry, that was too much.
All right.
He got me.
Get out!
Get out!
No! You get out!
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Shut up.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Ooh!
Argh!
I'm all right.
Mummy!
The Vicar's daughter
said the angry lady
is coming.
We have to leave now.
The whole house
is screaming it.
[GASPS]
Dennis!
Dennis! Get in! Get in!
Get in!
Get in!
-No! "Get out"!
-Okay, okay, sorry.
No! Get in!
Get in!
No! Say, "Get out!"
Say get out!
Don't say,
"Say get out,"
just, "Get out!"
-Okay, right, I'm sorry.
-No!
Get back in, Dennis!
-No, get out!
-All right! All right!
-Dennis, come back!
-Dennis, come back!
-Oh, just forget it!
-Just forget it!
Go away, you idiot!
Go away, you idiot!
-Get out!
-Get out!
-There it is.
-Yes! Nailed it.
Alice, please!
There is no angry lady!
[GIGGLES]
Of course there is, silly.
She's right there!
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Gone. She's vanished
without a trace.
GHOSTLY FEMALE VOICE:
You will die!
The rain has turned to hail!
Daddy!
"Expect more
"Boides."
MAN: Oh, no.
We need to get out of here!
It's locked.
It's locked.
I'm afraid there is
no way out of
The lodge.
[CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
Mummy, I'm scared.
Quickly, this way.
We can hide in the kitchen!
DAVID: Quickly,
close the door.
[SLAMMING]
Hand me that knife
from the counter.
[EMMA EXCLAIMS]
Get in the cabinet.
Don't make a sound.
[LAUGHING]
Where are you?
Are you under the table?
No.
Are you in the pantry?
No.
Then you must be in here!
[ALL SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
You'll never take
my family, Fortenoy!
[GRUNTS]
[GASPS]
[YELLING]
David, no!
Don't kill him.
No one else has to die.
You're right.
[SCREAMING]
I can feel myself changing!
Vera is merging with me!
My Vera!
My Vera!
Albert, is that you, my love?
It is, my sweet!
With one more life,
you shall be reborn.
Behold your new body.
-[GRUNTING]
-[SCREAMING]
No!
[SCREAMING]
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
[GROANING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMING]
You're doing
far too much there, Chris.
Please don't hurt me, Mummy!
-Your mummy is dead.
-Your mummy has gone.
-My love is dead!
-My love is dead!
-And now I will have my revenge.
-And now I shall
I will have my revenge!
Revenge!
Go, go, go!
[SCREAMING]
Help me! Help me!
POLICEMAN: Ah-ha!
No need to panic.
I'm here now.
I'm I'm here.
Ah, yes, I I'm
I'm going to kill her.
Help me! I really
need help right now!
Right, yes.
Just hold on.
Hold on one minute.
I kind of have
no other option now.
I'm going to kill her.
Ha-ha-ha!
It's happening.
In three Two One
And a half, and
Argh!
-I've stabbed her.
It's done. It's happened.
-[GROANING]
Ah-ha!
[GUNSHOT SOUND EFFECT PLAYS]
[GRUNTS]
Oh!
You're safe now.
Here, take my hand.
Let's get you
out of this damned place.
Everything's
going to be okay.
Oh!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]