The Reluctant Vampire (2026) s01e04 Episode Script

1
WILF: Since the dawn of time,
man has been stalked
by a merciless killing machine
that prowls the streets,
steals into homes
and fe-e-eds on human flesh.
HOWLING
Its name, the lycanthrope,
aka
the werewolf.
Next slide, please.
But what if there was a ring
of steel
that could contain
this ter-r-rible creature?
SNIGGERS
Are you talking about
werewolves generally,
or you personally?
What's the diff?
I can't remember the last time
you even changed
Shall we take questions
at the end? OK?
Cos we've probably got time for
questions at the very end. OK?
OK. Ladies and gentlemen,
the Werewolf Incursion
Limitation Field is
a containment system that
employs a series
of tripwires, snares, pits
and rope traps.
Wow! Last time, we just
threw you a pound of sausages,
and you slept it off
in the kennel.
OK, that's a lie! Is there
some sort of problem, guys?
Wilf, we all think
you're very scary.
SNIGGERING
Yeah, why wouldn't you?
But this does all feel
a bit like you're, uh
Like I'm overcompensating?
Like I've got performance anxiety?
Like I need to prove myself,
cos I haven't changed
in a few months?
Because I'll tell you this
for nothing.
There was a lot of cloud cover
on that last full moon,
so the, um
SNAPS FINGERS
the-the-the-the
Beams the beams couldn't
get through.
I'm just trying
to keep the peace here,
because, like, werewolves
do cause panic!
LAUGHTER
So, are we building this thing
or what?
That's not even how you
spell "field".
You f
BREATHES DEEPLY
BIRDS CHIRP
COCK CROWS
VALEETA: Come on, boys,
time for bed.
Sleep well, Val.
DOOR CREAKS CLOSED
I might not have figured out
how to pass myself off
as a vampire at my initiation,
but at least I've mastered
how to act human.
You just say "mate" a lot
and wear a T-shirt
with a cool band name on it,
which, as far as I can tell,
is a familiar phrase spelt
in a funky way.
When I'm at home,
I hear every tick of the clock.
But my visits to Gertie fly by.
It's what humans call having
butterflies in your tummy.
Actually, the stomach acid
and lack of oxygen
would kill the butterflies
in about two seconds.
We'll talk for hours,
just sitting by the lake
or sitting on a bus.
Or I'll sit on a bus on my own
because I cannot believe
no-one ever told me about buses,
because they're brilliant
and you can ding the bell
and everything.
REPEATED DINGING
MAN: Oi! Stop doing that!
DING
Around Gertie, I feel at home.
It's like all my problems disappear.
I feel at ease, content, special.
And nothing's ever going to
change tha-a-a
Who the hell is this?
Val! You've got to meet Silas.
HIGH-PITCHED: Why?
Silas, this is Val, my friend.
Friend, best friend whatever.
Oh, dear.
A musty little irritation
that's hard to get rid of?
CHUCKLES
Oh!
You're talking about
the Yeest Infektion?
Nope.
I'm being funny.
I'm being funny!
OTHERS LAUGH
Silas is so cool.
Him and his dad had an
actual shipwreck.
We're lucky he even survived.
We are, aren't we?
Yeah, er, cool story.
Pops and I were
studying jellyfish
off the shoulder of Portugal.
Found a baby terrapin
with his flap hanging off.
Now, I knew we had to get him
to Professor Gilligan,
the world's top terrapin
specialist here in England.
But a storm was coming.
THUNDER RUMBLES
Safest thing to do
was find harbour in Spain.
And did you?
I promised that little guy
I'd get him to England
OTHERS: Aww!
And I don't break my promises.
No, we sailed through wind and
rain, thunder and lightning.
Boat got smashed up pretty bad.
But we made it.
That's so brave.
What about the terrapin?
SILAS SIGHS
He's going to be OK.
OTHERS: Aww!
But, er, with the boat in pieces,
looks like we're going to be here
a while.
Great! So if there's anything we
can do to help?
Any Any jellyfish need studying?
That was a research trip.
Pops and I study natural predators.
It's a scientific approach
to haematophagic Nosferology.
Technical term for
vampire hunting.
THUNDER RUMBLES
Let me tell you something
about vampire hunters.
Every month or so,
one will promise to rid the village
of its hated enemy.
But after being paid half
up front,
they're never seen again.
No, thank you. On your way.
What?
As chair of the Vampire Committee,
all queries of this nature
are to go through me.
And I say we have no interest
in a bunch of snake oil salesmen
trying to make a fast buck
out of us.
Thank you and goodbye.
Jim's dead right.
It's John.
You guys should be sceptical.
I would be,
if I had not witnessed my own
son suffer a vampire attack.
It's how he lost his eye.
GASPING
I don't believe it.
I literally don't either.
To vampires, human eyes
are a delicacy.
They serve them
stacked up like Ferrero Rocher.
SHOCKED MURMURING
Since then, unlike other hunters,
we've taken a more
scientific approach.
But if Jim here
It's John.
Isn't interested in that
Wasn't saying I'm not interested.
I'm glad to hear it, Jim. John.
Now
which of you ladies want to
make us a lovely slap-up lunch?
GIGGLING
As for my so-called friend,
Silas is welcome to her.
I'm happy on my own, thanks.
The only reason I've picked up
Mum and Dad's wedding photo
is to see how heavy it is.
No, I feel great!
If there was someone special,
you would tell me, wouldn't you?
I may be your mother,
but I am not naive
in matters of the heart.
Even before your father,
I had dalliances.
Whether it was Dietrich,
Etienne, Miguel,
Hans,
oh, Alfonso,
Jan, Otto,
Sebastian, Marco,
Marco's brother, Jurgen,
Giorgio,
Giovanni
Derek.
Lorenzo.
Oh, Lorenzo, Lorenzo, Lorenzo!
Is that more than one Lorenzo,
or the same one lots of times?
It made your father try
all the harder.
You know, once, when we were
in Vienna,
he mentioned marriage,
and my grandfather said,
"Over my dead body."
But, years later, that's where
he proposed.
Vienna? No, over my grandfather's
dead body.
Right.
And he sent flowers, letters.
GASPS
And wait until you see this.
Come with me.
To mark our engagement,
your father whittled sculptures
of the two of us, out of ice,
with his bare hands,
and pledged to keep them frozen
for as long as we're together.
And here they are. See?
Van Helsing's proving no match!
Victor? Ah.
HE CLEARS THROA
Er Hello, darling.
What is all this?
Well, uh, a war room.
Oh. I was just treating
young Vernon here
to a re-enactment of the
Battle of Drava Field,
1880 a day of terrible bloodshed,
which was also delicious.
The day we finally destroyed
the Van Helsings
once and for all.
No wonder!
They're tiny!
CHUCKLES
War is no matter for jokes, boy.
Unless you find something
amusing about displaying courage,
standing with young, fit men,
showing your manhood.
You should take an interest.
It behoves a young vampire
to steep himself in our victories.
I've always said it behoves us
to do that, Father.
Then I apologise
for my behooviour.
Who even has a war room?
You're obsessed.
You even recite the dates of
battles sometimes
when we're intimate and you need
to delay things.
For all the good it does.
Well, that was once, darling,
when I was recalling
a particular incursion
when our troops flooded
into enemy territor y.
CLEARS THROA
Yep. Now I see the problem.
Where are the ice sculptures?
The ones you said you would
keep forever intact
as a symbol of our love?
There are in safe storage.
So they're safe. Yeah.
You didn't throw them away?
Nope. Doesn't feel like
the kind of thing I'd do.
OK, good. So you can go and
get them out of storage, then.
Yep.
CLEARS THROA
Yep. Did we ever go to war
with other vampire hunters?
Other vampire hunters?
They couldn't wage war
if they wanted to.
Only the Van Helsings were
a worthy enough foe.
Just heard there were other
vampire hunters in the village.
How?
SQUEAKS: Hmm?!
How did you hear there were
vampire hunters in the village?
This is tricky, but the way
to avoid suspicion
is just act natural.
I find a small chuckle can help
to deflect attention.
LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY
LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY
GUFFAWS
That was too much.
What was too much?
SQUEALS
Nothing.
Oh, there's some very dusty
books there.
Been
working hard?
Oh, yes. I've been really working up
a sweat,
trying to sort out Wilf's
new security cordon.
SIGHS
Oh, I'm absolutely exhausted.
Have a night off.
I wouldn't want to take liberties,
Your Highness. Don't be silly.
We've not given you a night
off for, what, six months?
84 years. There you go, then.
A night off. Maybe a
a bath? You know what?
Come to think of it, Your Highness,
I've never, ever had a bath.
Never? You should.
No, I've never needed one.
My body just stays
naturally fresh.
Have one anyway.
Honestly, Your Highness,
I just
Have a bath!
Maybe I will.
Maybe a nice long, hot bath,
with bubbles.
Ah, I think Mother's got
some bath foam.
No Bubbles.
She works in the kitchen.
You two, quickly.
Did you see if Valentine left
the castle earlier?
I wasn't watching.
You're facing that way.
If it's not my turn,
I might not look that way.
For a change, I might look up there,
or I might look diagonally down,
like that.
The other day, I looked up there
for a bit.
Not your turn?
We take it in shifts.
I'll watch out
while Guy's on duty,
Guy watches out
while I'm on duty.
Wrong way round.
I watch out when I'm on duty,
you watch out when you're on duty.
Why would I watch out
when I'm on duty?
Because that's what being
on duty means!
No, being on duty means
you're on a break.
You're thinking of being on shift.
You're just wrong, Gary.
Being on duty, being on shift
is the same thing!
Right?
So, for the year
we've had the rota,
we've either both been on lookout,
which is pointless,
or neither of us have been
on lookout.
You make it sound
Oh, yeah. You're right.
That's probably why we missed
the locusts
on the day of a billion locusts.
THROUGH GRITTED TEETH:
Exactly, Gary.
A night off?! Didn't you
just have a night off?
So that was, um, 84 years ago.
So you just had one.
Very well. Oh!
I'll have the maid draw you up
a bath.
Oh, ho-ho-ho!
Very kind, sir.
Um, is there anything else
you need before I'm relieved?
No, no, no, I think we'll survive
one night without a butler
at our beck and call.
Very kind, sir.
I wish to make an ice sculpture
for my wife.
Sir?
Between you and me,
I need somebody to source
a block of ice.
This far south, that's
a 300-mile round trip, easily, sir.
Yes?
Oh
SIGHS
Would you like me to go, sir?
Yes.
I'll have the maid hold off
on that bath.
Very kind, sir.
Well, I'm a very kind king.
If Valentine leaves the castle,
I want to know where he goes
and what he does.
So follow him.
And bring me something
I can show Father.
I know it's uncomfortable, but I
need you to look like a bat -
a crow raises suspicion.
I'd get an actual bat,
but they would never spy
on a fellow vampire.
There.
Now, remember one peck
for yes, two pecks for no.
Got it?
Good.
I want you to keep tabs on him.
Do you understand?
Good.
Happy?
Is it the ears again?
You know what you're meant
to be doing, right?
One for yes, two for no?
That was three.
Are you just eating crumbs?
Oh, for God's sake! Focus!
SIGN CREAKS
And he said, "It's annoying
to only hear the punch line!"
LAUGHTER
They're great guys.
Really great. Really great.
That Reuben knows a lot.
Very knowledgeable.
Oh, and Silas is so brave.
But they wear it lightly.
Well, they're humble, aren't they?
Mm. That's exactly
the word - humble.
Two great, knowledgeable,
brave, humble guys.
Mm.
SILAS: That was before I lost the
eye. Yeah.
Just, er,
not sure
I like them.
Oh, my God, I hate them.
Oh, me too.
Studying predators,
saving terrapins!
Get a proper job!
They all just lap it up.
Thinking he knows more
about vampires than I do.
Come on!
I've lived with them
for 15 years.
I stood for the council
as an anti-vampire candidate.
This is what I know.
Look at him!
Going on about his missing eye!
Yeah, if it is missing.
Lad at my school used crutches
just to get attention.
His leg was fine!
And calling me Jim.
The name's John!
John. John.
John. John!
All right, Jim?
Hi, how are you doing?
But, no, great guys.
Really great. Really great.
You look tired, old friend.
I am tired, sir.
I should never have asked that
of you.
And, look, you bring me four.
You've surpassed yourself.
Yes, I thought it best
I bring four,
just in case there were any mishaps.
Now, the technique
to doing this, sir
Ah-ah-ah.
You've done enough,
and you should be relaxing now,
soaking in a nice hot bath.
Oh! No, this is all
pretty self-explanatory.
Ah
LAUGHS
Oops!
Let's try that again.
Yes. Now, if you don't mind, sir.
No, just
If you would like to
No matter, no matter.
I can't see me smashing
four of these!
Indeed. Now, this time,
if you could just give it a
Say no more.
All this requires is
a steady hand.
Not a problem for me.
When dealing with matters
of importance,
you learn to be calm
under pressure.
I can't
For the love of
Can you imagine if I was
to shatter the fourth of these?
Your whole journey,
a complete waste of
CHISEL HITS ICE
Oh!
Oh!
I bet you thought that
the fourth one was going to
There is goes.
CRESTFALLEN: Ah
Ah.
I'm out of ice.
I'm going to need someone
to go and fetch me some more.
Would you like me to go, sir?
Yes.
And bring me another chisel.
I think there's something wrong
with this one.
Now, I need you to tell me
what you saw,
but instead of doing
yes or no questions,
I've devised a quicker approach.
As you can see, each square here
corresponds to a different activity.
You roam around the board
as free as a bird,
even though you're a bat,
remember?
And peck at the thing
you've seen him do.
For example, peck this one
if you've seen Val talking
to a human,
peck this one if you've seen
him eating human food,
peck this one if
What's that one?
Oh
Oh, no, that's that's that's
the food.
So what's that one?
That must be
blowing glass? Why?
Why would I put that on the board?
Bear with me.
Nope. Start again.
You pull back the shaft.
Wow. Yeah.
Sorry, sorry.
Um, we can't thank you enough.
It's just It's so brave
of you.
You are so kind. Aww!
You know, Silas has a phrase
that goes,
"He who conquers himself
is the mightiest warrior."
Oh, that is so true.
I think that's Confucius.
Maybe they both came up
with the same thought.
Ye-e-s!
Maybe a 15-year-old
terrapin handler
came up with the same ideas
as the world-famous father
of Confucianism.
Then again,
the life he's had probably
makes you quite wise -
everything he's been through.
Everything he says
he's been through.
Do you think some of it's made up?
It's all made up.
Everything that tumbles
out of that stupid little mouth
of his
is an obvious lie.
And you're all gobbling it up
like it's your mum's un-yee-on.
Not you, John.
PLUMMILY: "Yeah, we,
uh, we saved terrapins"
"from off the coast of Portugal.
Mm-hm. Uh-huh."
Are terrapins even native
to those waters?
He lost his eye to a vampire!
Lost his eye?
Come on!
Well
Wake up!
Right? What? Is it
oh, because he has an eye patch?
If you've thought for a second,
you'd realise what I realise,
which is that under this so-called
eye patch
is a perfectly healthy
human eye.
Oh
GASPING
I am
so sorry for your loss.
I've never seen Gertie
so disappointed.
I said I'll try and patch
things up, but
maybe shouldn't have put it
like that.
So I promised I'd make an effort.
But playing nice with someone
you can't stand isn't easy.
Finally, I got the cash.
Half the vampire hunt money?
Thousand quid.
You stay here.
I've got people I owe some money to.
What about my share?
I'll split it.
60/40 to you.
Oh, thanks!
First, my 40%.
That is, er, 400.
That leaves 600.
What's 60% of 600?
Uh, 360.
There. 60%.
You've done pretty well
out of this.
Yeah Thanks, Dad.
Why not make this interesting?
All or nothing.
Go on
Take this beer mat off the glass,
you win Silas's share.
Fail, he wins yours.
All right. You're on.
What?
I know this one.
Is it something
to do with magnets?
Nope.
Can I use my hands?
Yeah, use 'em if you like.
Oh! Well, in that case
CHUCKLES
I've won. He has!
You've done it.
He's good, isn't he?
It's called brains, gentlemen.
It's a pleasure doing business.
Likewise.
Why would you do that?
Val?!
That's 640 quid.
Thanks, Val!
It's all right.
Treat yourself.
I'll get another tattoo!
Another?
Oh!
VH. What does VH stand for?
Van Helsing.
My name.
Yeah!
Course it does.
CHUCKLES
Oh.
CHUCKLES
Ooh!
Right, then. Let's hunt!
CHEERING
Yes! Absolutely!
Let's hunt if you want
to hunt, because, er,
we could always not hunt.
Val!
Wouldn't be much of a
Van Helsing if I didn't hunt!
Yeah, and that's what you are,
isn't it?
A Van Helsing, which,
uh, you didn't say earlier,
which is a slightly odd thing
to leave out.
What a dilemma - how to stop
Silas reaching my family
without Gertie thinking
I'm undermining him.
Hurry up!
Anyone would think you're
trying to slow Silas down.
What?!
Pretty sure the easiest
way to the castle
is straight up here.
Crouch for me.
So we are there
Um, so it's not not
that way. Um
Oh. Hang on.
No, it's it's right. Come on.
Ugh, what are the chances?!
Just get me down!
Ow!
GROANS
Why bother?
The trap wasn't even concealed.
How did you not see it?
Sometimes I wonder
if you only have half a brain
as well as half your eyes.
SOME OTHERS CHUCKLE
Wow.
Vampires! This is
Reuben Van Helsing!
Come out and face me!
I know you can hear me!
DISTANT HOWLING
VICTOR: Ah, yes.
Oh, this is coming together.
She's going to love this.
Finally
it's finished.
Darling!
Little candle
LAUGHS
WATER RUNS
I can't wait for this.
KNOCKING AT DOOR
Igon, the King was looking for you.
He wants you to to dress
the sculptures
and place them outside.
Dress them?
WHIMPERS
Oh
So close to my lovely bath.
I've got to do it. My job.
GROANS
PANTS
Uh
ANGRY SHOUTING
INDISTINCT YELLING
Come on, cowards!
Which of you dare face
the Van Helsings?
Sh, sh.
Come on, come on.
Sh, sh, sh.
Time's up, bloodsuckers.
ALL: Yes!
OTHERS: Oh
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMEN
Again!
Yes!
OTHERS: Oh
The power of Christ compels you.
The power of Christ compels you.
What is he doing now?
The power of Christ compels you.
I really don't think
that's going to cut it.
The power of Christ compels you!
WATER DRAINS
I suppose what Socrates
was getting at
was that wisdom isn't
about what you know,
it's about knowing what you don't
Ga-a-a-h! Ba-a-ah!
He's useless. The power of Christ
compels you.
This is embarrassing. The power
of Christ compels you.
Since my son Silas has failed to
live up to the family name
They're dying!
GASPING
The power of Christ compels you.
SHOUTING
GARGOYLES: A-A-A-A-Ah!
Time's up, bloodsuckers!
CHEERING
BOTH: A-A-Ah
GUY SPITS
What were you saying?
I don't know.
EXCITED CHATTER
CHEERING
LAUGHTER
CHEERING
Yeah! Come on!
Those bloody vampires!
You deserved that!
Yes! Come on!
Oh!
GROANS SADLY
SIGHS
Oh!
VALEETA: I must say, Victor, I
didn't think you had it in you.
Well, I said I had them,
I gave you my word,
and my word happens to mean
What? They They were here.
They were here.
Er, they were here!
Well, they're not any more.
My darling, wait!
Wait just a second.
Let me explain!
You can speak?
Yeah. Since when?
Just always have.
Why wouldn't you tell me?
I've just spent 12 hours
asking you yes or no questions
to peck at.
Why wouldn't you just tell me
you could speak?
You didn't ask.
VAL CHUCKLES
Oh!
Wow! That was so brave!
It was pretty brave.
You've not seen true bravery
until you've seen a guy -
me -
reach into the sea near Portugal
and rescue a terrapin that was
Terrapins in Portugal?
CHUCKLES
Yes! Why is that?
SCREAMS
I just remembered!
Wah! I think I left the iron on.
Argh!
Aaargh!
According to the Vampire's Handbook,
a learned mind is a contented mind.
It's amazing what you can learn
from the right book.
Such a nice guy. Really cool.
Yeah. You think he'd be
incredibly annoying,
but he wasn't.
Into terrapins now, are we?
LAUGHS
Let's see.
It says here, "Terrapins are
found in the Gulf of Mexico,"
that they don't live
anywhere near Portugal!
GASPS
You are kidding me!
That little b
REPEATED DINGING
Guys! Guys!
This re-e-eally hurts!